Jezebel: end of days

Saddam Hussein Made Up That WMD Thing To Deter Invaders

Moe — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:40:31 EST

So it turns out Saddam Hussein lied about having WMD so the rest of the Axis of Evil would leave him alone. [CBS News]
How much would you bet even he couldn't have kept that lie up 935 times! [Wash Post
Isn't it funny how yesterday's enemies are today's...[Reuters]
The New York Times to endorse Hillary Clinton? Identity politics much, Gray Lady??? [Radar]
George Soros says it's the worst economic crisis in 60 years. Because financial instruments masterminded by crafty hedgies like himself just got too hard for central bankers and bureaucrats to understand. And speaking of hard to understand... [Financial Times]
But anyway, everyone else smarter than you agrees. [NY Times]
"Tax cuts in general perpetuate the excessive consumption that has marked the American economy." [NY Times]
Suck it, Stiglitz, I want my six hundred bucks. [WSJ]
Bill Gates is over capitalism. Convenient. [WSJ]

Editor's Note: Three of the Jezebels — ...

Anna — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Editor's Note: Three of the Jezebels — Moe, Tracie & Jennifer — are still gone, presumably still listening to a certain audaciously-hopeful Democratic presidential candidate try to hold forth on important issues while Tyra Banks quizzes him on his opinion of her hair weave, the best fall fashions, and which BBQ joints in Chicago have the best baby-back ribs. Dodai is gone because she has to get a bridesmaid dress altered, then get to bed (6am plane flight, Tampa, etc.). I'm going to a baseball game. All this is a way of saying: We're stopping a little earlier today, which, in my mind at least, will forever be known as the day that Barack Obama, the National League East and a bridesmaid dress broke the blog.

Fergie's Bodily Functions Strike Again

Jennifer — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Poor Fergie reportedly barfed all over herself while at the Minnesota State Fair. Maybe it was all the fried food on a stick? [Dlisted]
Speaking of Minnesota: Republican Senator Larry Craig got busted by the police for "lewd behavior" in the gentleman's room of a Minnesota airport. Hasn't the Land Of 10,000 Lakes been through enough?! [Crooks and Liars]
Michael Vick is going to jail and rightly so. But lets also remember that we live in a country where the man behind the Katrina debacle, Michael Chertoff, may be getting a promotion. [BBC]
President Bush says that poor little Alberto Gonzalez endured "unfair treatment" during his tenure as Attorney General. [CNN]

Speaking of Bush, French president Nicolas Sarkozy is starting to sound eerily like him: He's gunning for Iran. Sigh. [NYT]

The U.N., Christy Turlington, and Russell Simmons are banding together to promote some sorta World Peace Through Yoga Day. It's like Sesame Street: One of these things is not like the other. And by that we mean, we've never seen any of those U.N. dudes successfully execute scorpion pose. [ABC News]

"You could feel her bones sticking through. She's on the cusp - she looks good now but if she takes it any further, she's going to start to look ill. She's incredibly compulsive. The Spice Girls' reunion is a huge deal for her and she wants to look her very best for her moment back in the limelight." Alas, this quote isn't about Victoria Beckham, but Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell. Note to Geri: Starvation is not what "Girl Power" is all about. [Malaysia Sun]

Yay for gender equality? Now it's not just women who have to worry about the aftermath of hormone replacement therapy: Men who take testosterone supplements could suffer major kidney damage. [CNN]

It's Official: Being A Woman Kinda Sucks (Except For The Love Of Kitties)

heather — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Every once in a while it becomes clear that in a lot of ways, being a woman is an unbelievably raw deal. As if it's not enough that once a month blood comes burbling out of our vaginas, as several articles in the news today attest, each stage of our lives tends to be accompanied by the looming threat of some kind of trauma. In your teens, you're plagued by acne, which causes boys not like you, which subsequently causes the kind of angst that leaves lasting scars, "mentally more so that physically," a dermatologist tells the Wisconsin Post-Crescent. You know what else leaves scars? When you're fondled by a filthy old man in dance class.

After your skin clears up—if it ever does—and you've mastered the "fuck you, old man" glare, it's probably only a matter of time before you'll decide to fuck up your body by growing a human being inside of you, leaving you with tears, saggy breasts, stretch marks and strange stores of fat. "I used to have a washboard stomach but now it's ruined," one new mom tells the Mirror. "It's the bottom of my tummy that really bothers me. It just hangs there, all loose muscle and shriveled skin."

That's nothing, course, compared to middle-aged spread! And you'll be really sad you let your body go to pot when you come to realize your children are nothing but "walking problems" to which you constantly have to "find solutions". It will be then that you also realize that you married a complete abusive asshole. And because he insisted on a prenup, you'll get fuck-all in the divorce, and look how high the price of a Tuscan villas has gone up!

You'll make do with a small shack and a lover named Benito. But then, God forbid, you get cancer! Even if you survive all of the hideous things specific to the disease, according to Sally Kydd, the author of Intimacy After Cancer: A Woman's Guide, the treatment will fuck up your sex life, maybe for good. "The vaginal walls can become tissue-paper thin, which makes them vulnerable to injury, and slow to heal," the breast cancer survivor told Newsweek. "At any age, the vagina can become as dry as sandpaper and may also shrink, making sexual contact painful. Add to this severe fatigue, night sweats, hot flashes, weight gain and fluctuating hormones, and sex can be difficult or sometimes impossible to enjoy after cancer treatment." If you're fortunate enough to NOT get cancer, you'll still get to experience most of those symptoms with menopause, plus, new research suggests, you'll probably get fat! Benito has, of course, left you by now, but at least you will still have your cat, since he survived his accident.

Annnyway. We're sure you don't really have to worry about any of this stuff. Since you got your new IUD, you don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancies, and surely someone will find a cure for menopause before you get to that point. You will probably age really fabulously, like Susan Sarandon. And your kitty will always love you.

Today God's Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass

heather — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses committed by animals are considered especially heinous. "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory told the Associated Press earlier today (or yesterday or maybe even tomorrow, because Australia is a day behind or forward, we can never remember which) when they discovered the body of a woman who had apparently been suffocated by a young camel she was keeping as a pet. In fact, the "guilty" plea entered by dog-abusing Atlantic Falcons quarterback Michael Vick today seems to have touched off a worldwide animal revenge spree, for today, no human was safe! First, there was the news that men who hunt deer are at higher risk for heart attack. (Karma's a bitch!)

Then, in Serbia, a bear killed a drunk man, after apparently removing his clothes. Over in Finland, another bear bit hard into a man who was trying to shoot it. A Florida college student was bit by a shark; a rabid bat being treated an animal hospital in England flew into a rage, biting two men; and in South Africa, a bull elephant attempted to gore a conservationist. Watch out for your cats and toy dogs tonight, ladies. You never know when they may turn on you!

Bush Daughter To Wed, Possibly Reproduce; Deluge Drowns Lone Star State

heather — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

This afternoon, from the Bush compound in Crawford, Texas, came the news that First daughter Jenna Bush and her boyfriend of two years, Karl Rove minion and Republispawn Henry Hager, are engaged and immediately, an angry rain threatened to overcome the entire state of Texas. Not that those incidents were related! Because unlike some people, we don't really believe there's guy in the sky who controls the weather. (Speaking of splashes, an over-the-top wedding does not a happy marriage make!) Anyway, if they manage to weather the storm, here's the shit Jenna and Henry can look forward to as they begin their life together:

It's not looking too good for Republican folks in Washington. [Washington Post]

But at least Jenna and Henry don't live in Iraq, where many women have been forced to sell their bodies in order to feed their kids. [CNN]
And we know Jenna wants kids. Assuming she can have them. Let's hope she's not infertile. Because IVF could bring up some pretty big issues for her. [Salon]
Also, we hope both she and Henry are prepared for the fact that they are not going to be having a ton of sex in the future. According to the Red Hot Mamas organization's Sex and Menopause Survey, over half of women report a decrease in sex drive during menopause, and 44% report suffering from vaginal atrophy—their vaginas just like, dry up and it hurts too much to have sex. Ugh. [Reuters]

Anyway! Congratulations Henry! Best wishes Jenna!

Broadway Momentarily Un-Gay: Clay Aiken Musical Cancelled

Jennifer — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Moe is being interrogated by El Al as I type this, which means that her stock market/foreign policy-illuminating "Evening Purge" will be on hiatus until she returns from The Homeland next week. (My homeland, she keeps telling me. Not hers. Whatevs.) And so, back by not popular demand, my Bush-hating, animal-loving "End of Days"! Anyway, enjoy, peeps!

A musical about the life and times of Clay Aiken and his obsessive fans is no longer bound for Broadway. [TMZ]
Next time someone tells you you're rude for yawning at them, correct them and explain that you're actually empathizing. [News.com.au]
Raise the legal drinking age in England? Fuck no! [BBC]
New Jersey Buddhists have released animals bought in NYC's Chinatown into the wilds of New Jersey, hoping they reach their "karmic potential." Run, Thumper, run! [MSNBC]

Dude, we just hate it when baby bibs are contaminated with lead, don't you? We aren't going to say it, but they're made in China. [CNN]
What? The Bush administration is going to label another group of Arab / Middle Eastern folk terrorists? Shocking. [NYT]
So many fantasies, coming true: Barack Obama. To appear on The Tyra Banks Show. Please God let Ms. J show up for that one to give our boy Barry O some runway stomping tips! [ABC News]
Wow. Shocking. Another couple formed from The Bachelor call of their engagement. [People]

Go And See The Simpsons Movie Already, Guys!

Moe — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:04:53 EDT

Now that we have all these people working for Jezebel who actually wake up on time to do their posts the end-of-day roundup of shit we didn't get to during the work day falls upon me. Think of it as a daily purge. I suggest you stay around at work waiting for it because you will be the most informed person at happy hour and that's a good way of making up for being the most drunk. So without further ado, good evening. The Dow, Nasdaq and S&P 500 are all starting to recover from the horrible blow that was the iPhone's merely preposterous and not universe-altering sales, and this and this were all I found looking for smutty ticker symbols to celebrate the twin blessings of a healthy market and National Orgasm week. Okay, so!

I woke up late.
Now I know how I will go about never waking up again. [Telegraph]
Some grooms apparently have vaginas. [Daily Mirror]
Which explains why post-partum depression is so very very tough on them. [ABC News]
Science may have found a way to solve Lindsay Lohan. Or maybe just all those coke-addicted mice out there. [Daily Mail]
A rule of thumb for tipping your sperm child: it should be at least as much as the spank bank paid you for the DNA. [NYT]
This is going to totally shock Lula Mae Broadway but I never saw any of Ingmar Bergman's films [Wash Post]
And I won't see anything until after I see the Simpsons movie everyone else saw while I was attending to my drinking problem. [WSJ]

Rudy Giuliani says the Dems want a "nanny government", and we'd take a Scarlett Johansson-Fran Drescher ticket over Cheney-Bush ANY DAY. [AP]
Renting: not just for third world uteruses anymore! [Breitbart]
"Jesus — at what tax rate are your brains forcibly removed?" LOL. [Wonkette]
Hillary Clinton writes almost like a Sarah Lawrence student.
Campral absolutely does not work. We're back on excess.

The Sad, Sorry, Dog Days Of Summer

Jennifer — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 18:55:54 EDT

Jake, one of the many specially-trained canines involved in the rescue of victims of both 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, has died of cancer, possibly as a result of toxins inhaled while working at Ground Zero. Wonder if Rudy Giuliani or Christine Todd Whitman will be sending condolence cards? [MSNBC]
Astronauts: Turning up for work drunk — just like us! [CNN]
Italian women in jail: Also clothing designers! [The West]

Shouldn't South Africa be focusing its energies on bigger issues than whether its women can, uh, wear pants? [BBC]
Seems that Christians don't like it so much when they kill Muslims and are called terrorists as a result. [NYT]
Bulgarian baby trafficker? Busted, at last. [BBC]
Yay! Now we can have Knut the Polar Bear: The Book! [Yahoo]
Even CNN is trying to offer Lindsay Lohan advice. [CNN]
Dina Lohan: Not such a fan of Jay Leno. [E!]
1 U.S. casuality identified. [DoD]

Bunnies & Kitties & Squid, Oh My

Jennifer — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 19:00:29 EDT

Nursing-home kitty Oscar the Cat (aka 'The Grim Reaper' of felines) is predicting nursing-home deaths at a facility in Rhode Island with almost 100% accuracy. [Breitbart]
We find it hard to feel the same empathy we had for the whales and the dolphins for the giant squid invading California with impunity. [USA Today]
Bunny rabbits invading Pennsylvania, however? Adorable. [Breitbart]
No more smoking in Disney movies aimed at families! And smoking discouraged in Miramax and Touchstone (Disney subsidiary production houses) films aimed at adults! Meanwhile, half of your Jezebels remain proud smokers. [BBC]
Joni Mitchell + Starbucks = Our hearts being sad. [E!]

German actor Ulrich Muehe, so brilliant in this year's The Lives of Others died yesterday of stomach cancer. He was 54 years old. [BBC]
Contempt citations! Mmm - tasty! [CNN]
The Taliban: Not so patient, it turns out! [CNN]
Bob Barker may no longer be the host of The Price Is Right, but his plea to have your pet spayed or neuter shall remain. [USA Today]
5 U.S. casualties identified today.

Eddie Murphy Is Loyal -- 'Til You Have His Baby

Jennifer — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 19:55:41 EDT

Eddie Murphy is on crack if he thinks a little bling is enough to convince the world that he treats his girlfriends well. Um, remember that you fathered and denied, Eddie? [People.com]
Oh come on people: There are enough real bombs in this world. Don't plant fake ones. [BBC]
Memo to President Bush: We already know that your reasons for attacking Iraq were bullshit. So don't feed us any of your retroactive theories now. [CNN]
Memo to Tony Blair: You lost your right to pontificate on the situation in the Middle East, too. [NYT]
Does this guy have a t-shirt that says, "I Served In Iraq And All I Got Was This Lousy Bionic Hand"? [CNN]

YouTube debates? Genius. Also — who else liked Biden alluding to Kucinich's hot wife? [USA Today]
Interesting shoes, but where does all the nasty-ass toe jam go? [Boing Boing]
What? MySpace? Rife with sex offenders? Shocking! [MSNBC]
2 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

Eva Mendes Doesn't Have To Hate Herself 'Cause She Knows She's Hot

Jennifer — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 18:36:08 EDT

Aw! Eva Mendes says it's easy to get all "critical" of yourself when you're on the red carpet but that she doesn't let herself "fall into that" — but that's she also "thankful" for her "nice physique"! Pretty sad if this counts as having positive body image nowadays. [People]
In poor England it's all water, water everywhere not not a drop to drink. [BBC]
Bush is cancer-free, meaning that now Cheney has to cut short his vacation and return to running the country. [CNN]
Oh fuck: Botulism. [CNN]
It's official: Drew Carey's the new host of The Price Is Right. The showcase showdown is dead to us. [11 Alive News]

Campbell Brown is headed to CNN: Have fun with the chain-smoking witch, kiddies! [USA Today]
8.3 million copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows sold since 12:01 am on Saturday. [USA Today]
Memo to ABC News: Posh was joking. [ABC News]
7 U.S. casualties identified since Friday. [DoD]

Things That May Or May Not Surprise You: We Don't Like Bush, We Do Like Harry Potter

Jennifer — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 20:45:05 EDT

Harry Potter! Yup, we pre-ordered our copy of the last-ever Harry Potter book. And we get to pick it up at 12:01 am tonight. We're super nervous about what's going to happen, too. We think that Snape isn't evil though. But we have a sneaking suspicion Harry is going to die. And we will be reading it all weekend to find out. No judgments, please.
So, President Bush has banned torture. Wow took him long enough, huh? Also, we have about as much faith in this executive order as, oh, Paris saying she's never done drugs. [BBC]
Bush is also getting a colonoscopy tomorrow. We just hope that Cheney doesn't go and revoke that executive order during that one hour when he's the acting president while Bush has a lighted tube shoved up his ass. [MSNBC]
And if either Bush or Cheney cared at all about justice, they would do something to free Genarlow Wilson. [CNN]
Wait, what?! David Beckham isn't even sure when he's going to feel up to playing soccer? Make it stop. Please. [E!]

Former Full House-er / meth addict Jodie Sweetin gets hitched! Aw, there's hope for all of us now, isn't there?! [Yahoo!]
Ok so blah blah blah Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker finally kissed and made up and now the Sex and the City movie is going to happen, right? Um, not so much. Chris Noth (aka Mr. Big) hasn't agreed to participate. Cry, Daily Candy-ites, cry. [Extra]
2 U.S. casualties and 1 missing sailor identified. [DoD]

Bill Clinton: Come Write With Us

Jennifer — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 18:35:41 EDT

Bill Clinton has begun blogging! Just like us! We wonder if he'll do hungover Friday tomorrow too! [Clinton Foundation]
We've always really liked Craig Ferguson. Now we have to like him less: He's dating Sharon Stone. Anna's heart just broke. [The Daily Blabber]
A judge has dismissed Valerie Plame's lawsuit against the White House in regards to leaking her identity while working as an undercover operative for the CIA. [MSNBC]
Go with us on this: Dinosaurs are sorta like Lindsay Lohan. A slow ascent to power in which they knocked out their other, similar, competitors. And then overnight (literally) crashed and burned. [BBC]

The story about the Chinese dumplings stuffed with cardboard instead of pork? Not so true! And our theories that Bush has it out for China are further confirmed. [CNN]
Which is maybe because the Chinese economy is booming? [NYT]
Mijovi is an energy drink. Bon Jovi is a musician. The latter thinks the former stole his name. We laugh at both. [USA Today]
Do not ever, ever put the words "Kelly Clarkson" and "suicide" in the same sentence, haters. We momentarily stopped breathing. [ABC News]
Jude Law's a lover not a fighter. Uh yeah, tell us something that his nanny, Sienna Miller, and his ex-wife don't already know. [E!]
9 U.S. casualty reports today pending DoD confirmation. [Iraq Coalition Casualties]

Oprah Pushing The Finding-A-Moral Agenda A Little Too Hard

Jennifer — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 18:55:29 EDT

Oprah's golden retriever Gracie died in May after an unfortunate choking incident and still Oprah is talking about it, only now she's putting that Oprah-branded spin on it saying that Gracie's death was really a hidden message that she needed to slow down and take more time to appreciate her own life. Seriously, we don't even have a response to this. [USA Today]
Oh yes: That's what's missing in the EU — machismo! [BBC]
Memo to People magazine: Please do not ever ever put that Jenny McCarthy eats nachos as an item under the tag "breaking news". Ever. [People.com]
Not shocking: Republicans don't want to pull out (from Iraq). But they don't want to give a Plan B either. Draw your own conclusions from this heavy-handed metaphor. [CNN]

The Island of Britain, scientists have discovered, was created over 200,000 years ago by massive flooding. We think that's just past the timeline for which Al Gore can drop one of his global warming "I told you so!'s." [BBC]
President Bush has called for the establishment of a new panel to review new safety precautions for imported foods. He says this is totally not all about China. Even a novice in Bush-speak knows that "no" always means "yes," so sorry, China, Bushie has it in for you! [CNN]
Anyone else skeptical that North Korea seems to be volunteering for nuclear disarmament a little too easily? [NYT]
Breaking news! Hootie and the Blowfish have delayed the start of their summer tour! Wait a second — Hootie and the Blowfish are still around? How the fuck is that possible? [USA Today]
1 U.S. casualty identified. [DoD]

We Wish We'd Bought A 'Free Winona' T-Shirt Way Back When

Jennifer — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 19:05:10 EDT

Winona Ryder is speaking out now about her shoplifting. Honestly? No one gives a shit. [People]
In the UK, one in four 18-to-25-year olds cannot answer the following question: What is one eighth of 32? [BBC]
Al-Qaeda said to be "stepping-up" its presence in the U.S. Please God, no one tell Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The thought of her ranting and raving about this is scarier than the threat of a terrorist act itself. [BBC]
Memo to Hillary: The woman who is to be India's first female president - not so popular. [NYT]
Harry Potter the book? Too long. Harry Potter the movie? Too heavy-handed. But Harry Potter the postage stamp? Now we're talking! [USA Today]

And meanwhile, Harry Potter is also the latest problem to afflict Israel, with the new book being released on Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath. Religious leaders = not happy. And now we wonder, are there that many Orthodox rabbis worried about whether Snape is evil or not? [USA Today]
The lawyer with TB who claimed he had no idea he was contagious had surgery to help treat his condition today. Um, too little too late, bub. [CNN]
The current crop of Republican presidential candidates? Losers, all of 'em. [CNN]
2 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

Simpsons Graffiti On Pagan Fields: Cute, But Where's Homer's Cock?

Jennifer — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 19:00:22 EDT

We were feeling kinda blue today. Then we saw this. [Boing Boing]
Now that Isaiah Washington has a new job maybe he'll stop his pointless bitching. The former Grey's Anatomy cast member been cast in 5 episodes of the upcoming TV show based on The Bionic Woman. [E!]
In the UK curry laced with ecstasy = attempted murder. Over here curry laced with ecstasy sounds kind of like a fun Friday night! [BBC]

The Killers' Brandon Flowers and his wife now have a son. They are both 26. We were about to feel a little depressed about this, but then we remembered that all three of the Hansons are now married with children. And now we feel really depressed. [People]
The Catholic Church has been ordered to fork over $660 million to 500 alleged sexual abuse victims in Los Angeles alone. [CNN]
The X-Files Movie, Round II?! Oh 1998, it's as if we never left you! [Entertainment Weekly]
President Bush has pledged his support to Palestinian President Abbas. Oh, Georgie — way to play the Arabs both ways! [NYT]
So unacceptable: Celebrity The Apprentice. Any (has been) star who goes on this show will lose whatever piddling amount of respect we still hold for them. [USA Today]
1 U.S. casualty identified over the weekend. [DoD]

Britney As Whitney? God Help Us.

Jennifer — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 18:45:56 EDT

Britney Spears to star in remake of The Bodyguard! Oh wait, phew. Joke! [Best Week Ever]
The verdict is in: Miss New Jersey can stay Miss New Jersey, even though she's a (only sorta) dirty girl. [CNN]
A helpful hint: Don't eat steamed buns off the street in China. They're made of cardboard. [CBS]
What's your virginity worth nowadays? Free theater tickets? [USA Today]
Different day, same deal: President Bush still believes the Iraq war can be won. [CNN]

A new study released by Pew reports that American women believe more strongly than they did 10 years ago that working full-time is not good for their children. [USA Today]
Seems like common sense, but apparently not: Do not go outside wearing an iPod in a lightening storm. [CNN]
3 pending U.S. casualty confirmations by DoD. [Iraq Coalition Casualties]

R.I.P. Lady Bird

Jennifer — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 19:10:13 EDT

America's best-monikered First Lady, Lady Bird Johnson, died this afternoon at the age of 94. She was one of the first people (sorry, Al!) to bring environmentalism center-stage. [CBS News]
Queen Elizabeth got huffy with photographer Annie Leibowitz. [USAToday]
UN Secretary General offers up the following deep thought: "New thinking" is needed to deal with our current climate change problems. What, is the UN now the NY Times 'Sunday Styles' section of world events? Picking up on "trends" a good three seasons after their debut?! [BBC]
Shy guys: Not only are the less likely to make the first move, but they're more likely to die of a heart attack. Which leads us to the natural, however seemingly absurd, conclusion that the chances of a guy having a heart attack when you put the moves on him pretty damn high. [Daily News UK]

The latest in Spice Girls Mania: Redux: A BBC documentary on the group is planned for the fall. Meaning that Victoria Beckham now feels a little better about the downsizing of her NBC special on herself? [BBC]
When will J.Lo learn? Movies featuring herself and her lover du jour = really bad idea. [TMZ]
The photographer who grabbed at Heather Mills to snap a pic of her in July of last year was found guilty of assault. Mills offered some statement about blah blah blah justice being served. But we want to know what Paul McCartney has to say! [BBC]
Uh oh Moz! Compaing Madonna's adopted (African) son to a wild animal is no way to make a point about why you shouldn't wear fur! Suddenly, we wonder if PETA is somehow behind Morrissey's recent slew of concert cancelings. Well, PETA or the NAACP. [Best Week Ever]
Growing up, whenever we would start complaining about something, our aunt would ask us if we were in SIberia (like our relatives had been, in work camps, during WWII). The answer was always no. But we wish we had been! Then we could have been the ones to discover the baby mammoth!!! [CNN]
We hope to see something on TheKnot.com tomorrow on what the etiquette is when one of your guests arrives a year early for your wedding. [CNN]
It appears that someone other than us is bitter that kids are off for the summer while we have to work. [Slate]
Memo to our high school stoner friends: New information about Jim Morrison's death! (Spoiler: Heroin, not a hot bath) [USA Today]
Evil Knievel and Kanye West are going to try to hug it out. [USA Today]
A dog named Max, saved by a little backdoor entry! [CBS]
2 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

Our Faith In God Continues To Dwindle If Tori Spelling Is Now A Minister

Jennifer — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 19:05:17 EDT

Tori Spelling has become a minister. Proving what we have been telling y'all for round about a week now: God is dead. [USA Today]
The former Surgeon General says the Bush Administration encouraged him to dispense information about stem cell research and sex education with shades of the "theological agenda." His speeches were also edited to make sure that pesky things like facts were left out. Well, at least these assholes are consistent! [WSJ]
What's more on-again-off-again than Jessica Simpson and John Mayer? The potential delaying of Nicole Richie's DUI trial. [Reuters]
The American Psychological Association is reviewing its official stance on homosexuality, in a move that potentially could discredit those who try to "cure" it as if it were a mental illness. [USA Today]

Can't Salman Rushdie get a break? First his wife Padma Lakshmi dumps him, and now Al-Qaeda is out to get him again. [BBC]
Frenchmen and women are told by the country's Economy Minister to stop, like, being philosophers and shit and y'know, show up at work. [CNN]
Meanwhile at the Vatican, the Pope one-ups this and tells non-Catholics that they're not actually Christian. [CNN]
4 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

Men Make Women Do The Darndest Things

Jennifer — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 19:18:18 EDT

We still don't understand why, in love triangles involving two women and one man, the women usually hate one another but the man gets off scot-free. Anyway, it turns out that astronaut Lisa Nowak ended up driving hundreds of miles and pepper-spraying her love rival because she just wanted to talk to her. [CNN]
If this doesn't mark the beginning of the end of L.A. nightlife, we don't know what is: Bob Saget was the biggest star at the Olsens twin home-away-from home nightclub Hyde last night. [TMZ]
The English. Are. READING. Books! Whoah. [BBC]
Beyonce: possibly drunk, caught in the act. [24/Sizzler]

Antidepressants are the most prescribed drugs in America. [CNN]
Bush claims executive privilege to prevent having to testify before federal prosecutors. We assume, unlike Cheney, he actually didn't really know whether he was a member of the executive branch and had to ask someone first. [CNN]
This is what we get for not having studied Hemingway past our sophomore year of high school: Hemingway's cats have 6 toes? How did we not know this? [CNN]
Unwanted pregnancy seems to be the least of Iraqis' worries about pulling out. [NYT]
Memo to kids who move back in with the 'rents post-college: Things might get awkward when you have crazy loud wall-banging sex in your (childhood) room. [ABC News]
9 U.S. casualties identified since Friday. [DoD]

And Again We Say: Paris Hilton Must Be Stopped

Jennifer — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 18:40:45 EDT

We said it eight hours ago and we'll say it again: God is dead. Because Paris Hilton has a Teen Choice Award nomination. [TMZ]
Note to self: Not nice to attack people with stilettos. [BBC]
Second note to self: Stop talking on phone about how awesome it is that Bush is going to go to jail for wire-tapping. 'Cause he's not. [CNN]
On a totally unrelated note, a Chinese government official who was found guilt of corruption has been sentenced to death. [NYT]

Green journalism: knitting as yellow journalism: yoga. [Slate]
How not-so-bad-ass is Avril Lavigne? Not-so-bad-ass enough to steal songs. [USA Today]
Here's one thing even we know that Martha Stewart would not do for a dinner party: Hiding a dead body in your freezer for your guests to find. [ABC News]
If Harry Potter dies, we will seriously freak out. And J.K. Rowling is not helping the situation. [E!]
3 U.S. casualties today pending DoD confirmation. [Iraq Coalition Casualties]

Al Gore Not Running For President, Son In Rehab: Coincidence? We Think Not

Jennifer — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 19:15:28 EDT

Al "I'm The Man Who Was Elected President, But Whatever I'm A Movie Star Now" Gore has "fallen out of love" with politics, he says. And thus will not be running for president... again. If this is true, what a drama queen! If this isn't true, what an even bigger drama queen! Simmer down, Al! (And if you need some help with that, we're sure your son has some pills that could help.) [CNN]
We [heart] brave kittens. Especially when they're better swimmers than we'll ever be. [ABCNews]
The list of that D.C. madam's hooker-hiring politicians goes public! God, this is going to be more entertaining to watch than an America's Next Top Model. [The Smoking Gun]
Taking "til death do us part" to a whole other level, a Welsh couple commit joint suicide after finding out that the husband had only a few weeks to live. In their suicide notes, they said they knew they could not live without one another. Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro: You guys are jokes. [Daily Mail UK]

Our mother always told us that swimming pools were scary places. And just now had we mustered up the strength to buy our first-ever bathing suit in attempt to get over our fears. Then we read this. Bathing suit: Now in a drawer forever. [ABCNews]
MTV has ordered a 4th season of Laguna Beach. What's that sound? Oh yes, our souls shattering. [Star]
Good news for Russia: You're all over the runways! Bad news for Russia: It's looking more and more like you poison your own kind. [NYT]
DailyCandy-ites rejoice: Sex and the City: The Movie is going to happen, at last. [E!]
6 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

Christina Aguilera To Bring "Dirrty", "Beautiful" Babe Into The World

Jennifer — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 19:15:53 EDT

Christina Aguilera is in the family way! Just like with a genie in a bottle, her husband rubbed her the right way. The baby-making way. [E!]
Isaiah Washington's verbal diarrhea of the day: He now says Patrick Dempsey is to blame for his spewing of hate speech. [ABC News]
R.I.P Beverly Sills. And big thanks to our Intro to Opera prof from college, without whom we would not care about Sills' passing. [CNN]
Violent crime in South Africa is at an "unacceptable" level. Do we hear the sweet sound of the Truth and Reconciliation Committee: The Revival? [BBC]

We all know that Pete Doherty is no fan of rehab. But now he like, totally loves it! Or so he told a judge when faced with the choice of rehab or jail. Rehab is fun! Just ask Lohan, Petey Boy! [BBC]
President Bush still might pardon Scooter Libby, on top of commuting his sentence? Way to practice small government and morality, Republicans! [CNN]
Awkward international news item of the day: Japan's defense minister saying that it was sorta okay for the U.S. to have dropped the A-bomb on his country during WWII. And all over the world, people squirm uncomfortably. [NYT]
Katie Holmes, Rosie O'Donnell, and Anna Nicole (and Larry Birkhead's!) baby were 3 of British tabloid OK's list of the 19 Most Influential Celebrities. We cry for Rosie, to be put in such company. [Yahoo]
Even senior citizens have to show ID to buy booze in Tennessee now. Which means that those poor, unfortunate college students don't stand a chance in hell. [Slate]
How does Paris Hilton show how much jail has matured her? By scoring a Hello Kitty t-shirt, of course. [People.com]
The Dept of Defense's website is down, and thus our regular source for reporting the U.S. casualty reports is thwarted. How do you say "vast right wing conspiracy"? [DoD]
Wait! Ugh. Reports of 5 U.S. casualties today. [Iraq Coalition Casualties]

No Jail For Libby, No Hot Wife For Salman, and Pam Anderson Lived To See 40: What Kind Of A World Do We Live In?

Jennifer — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 18:59:02 EDT

There is no justice in the world: President Bush has commuted Scooter Libby's jail sentence. [MSNBC]
Pam Anderson is 40. And we are speechless. [People]
Looking for a little real estate to invest in? How about Dracula's castle in Transylvania? It's the summer home that comes with vampires! (Garlic bulbs not included). [ABC News]
A border collie named Smooch saved two drowning kayakers. And up in heaven, Lassie smiles. [USA Today]

We actually screamed, "Holy shit!" out loud when we (thought) we saw a headline reading, "Bill Hits Hillary On Campaign Trail". Though that misreading would still have been less shocking than if we'd read it as "Bill Hits On Hillary On Campaign Trail." [BBC]
It's official: Salman "No Longer Hiding Despite The Fatwa" Rushdie and Padma "Please Pack Up You Knives, Top Chef Contestants" Lakshmi have split. [CNN]
Eva Peron (and Patti Lupone?) would be proud: Argentina's First Lady is running for president in her own right. And somewhere in Iowa, Hillary Clinton feels threatened. [NYT]
Want to sleep less soundly tonight? Read on: That foiled London car bomb was designed to ensure female casualties. [Slate]
Speaking of casualties, there have been 12 in the U.S. military since Friday. [DoD]

If Jezebel Was A 'Simpsons' Character She Might Look Like This

Jennifer — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 19:28:08 EDT

There's a Simpsons character-generator available on the website to promote the Simpsons movie (out in just 4 weeks!). This is what we think Jezebel would look like. [SimpsonsMovie]
Danny DeVito is to receive the 42nd Karloby Vary International Film Festivals's special award for outstanding creative achievement. We hope he stays away from the Limoncello the night before accepting, or he's going to take "creative achievement" to a whole other level. [USA Today]
Barbra Streisand was honored by the French government today, a development we assume will make Republicans hate her even more than they do. [BBC]
Despite a thwarted terrorist bombing in London today, the U.S. terrorist threat color code has not changed. Which we think means we're still at the, "Fear for your lives!" level that the Bush administration like to maintain as standard operating procedure. [CNN]
Aw, little Harry Potter! Scared to kiss girls! Our inappropriate crush on him grows. [CNN]

Lady Bird Johnson, our best named First Lady ever, has returned home from hospital the hospital. [CNN]
A Hamas-run Palestinian children's program ran a segment today in which a Mickey Mouse character preaching islam was beaten to death by Israelis, referred to on the program as "the killers of children." We do not think this is a great move towards peaceful negotiations on either side. [Yahoo]
Ice-T and his wife are getting a reality show and we're super stoked. Seriously. [ABC News]
Five U.S. soldiers killed on Thursday. [CNN]

Isaiah Washington Needs To Stick A Sock -- Or Some Other Implement -- In It

Jennifer — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 19:10:11 EDT

Isaiah Washington — for the love of God — please keep your mouth shut. The latest from everyone's favorite fired homophobe? That ABC lied when saying that he had gone to rehab since "there is no rehab for homophobia." (Thanks to Slut Machine for this awesome graphic.) [People]
New studies show that domestic cats are descended from 5 female cats from the Middle East's Fertile Crescent region, approx. 100,000 years ago. Middle East? Maybe this why they coined the term 'catfight'? [BBC]
God save the Queen! Literally! Buckingham Palace will crumble into decay unless immediate emergency repairs are made. [BBC]
Okay it's official: Every consumer product that comes from China is fucked. [CNN]

Today's good news for theh animals: The bald eagle is no longer considered 'endangered'. (Just in time for 4th of July!) We brim with patriotism. [CNN]
Today's bad news for animals: Mitt Romney once strapped the family dog to the roof of the car during a trip from Boston to Ontario. [ABC News]
How (yawn) surprising! Democratic presidential candidates are all trying to secure the African-American vote. We don't know about you, but we make no decisions 'til Al Sharpton says we can. [MSNBC]
The legality of veganism: Now being debated in a divorce court near you! [ABC News]
1 U.S. casualty identified today. [DoD]

Oprah Winfrey Really Is Taking Over The World

Jennifer — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 19:06:05 EDT

Does she not have enough money already? Oprah Winfrey is opening her own store. [Hollywood Reporter]
The Bush Administration has been subpoenaed for illegal wiretapping. The moment we heard this we called our mom and screamed with joy — because if anyone's being wiretapped it's us. [BBC]
1/3 of the Jezebel Administration has been subpoenaed for legal Paris Hilton/Larry King liveblogging. See you guys in two hours.
Little Bindi Irwin makes like dad and plays with dangerous animals fearlessly, lovingly. [USA Today]
The case of the now-21-year old who had consensual oral sex at age 17 has been denied bail for his 10-year sentence. We hate to say it, but we think this is what institutionalized racism smells like. [CNN]

TV star/presidential candidate Fred Thompson has earned the endorsements of all of his former girlfriends. Hmm. Would our former boyfriends would do the same for us. Boys? Care to comment? [TMZ]
We love bad TV (more on obsessions with Age of Love and Hannah Montana tomorrow!), but even we shudder at the thought of this newest reality program. [ABC News]
You gotta love a baby hippo! [Discovery]
3 U.S. casualties identified today. [DoD]

This Is Your Cornfield On Coke

Jennifer — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 19:45:07 EDT

What happens when you're high on coke and eluding cops in a cornfield? Some maize-y shit! [Daily Mail]
Proving himself to be the poster child for special-needs reptiles everywhere, a one-eyed alligator attacked a golfer in Florida today. Both man and gator are doing fine. [CNN]
Penguins used to be almost 5 ft tall! Monster penguins?! Awe-some. [Guardian]
Mary-Louise Parker and Jeffrey Dean Morgan are kaput. Which is sad because they both have three names. And, uh, we sorta feel like Mary-Louise has been through enough after getting dumped by Billy Crudup shortly before giving birth to his child. [People]
Istanbul has pulled out from hosting a Live Earth concert this summer. We suspect they're being grumpy at being snubbed by France in EU negotiations, which was because (we suspect) France was grumpy that Istanbul got named a cooler city than Paris. Follow? If you give a European city a cookie... [USA Today]

Snubbed again! Apparently Carrie Underwood is a sexier vegetarian than we are. Harumph. We (and the Catholic school boys in our neighborhood) beg to differ. [ABC News]
What words of wisdom did Paris Hilton take away from her prison stint? Sayeth the sheriff, "Paris, do a better job in your life." [TMZ]
9 U.S. casualties identified today. [DoD]

Lohan To Rejoin Her Coke-Filled Community One 12-Step At A Time

Jennifer — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 19:07:29 EDT

Lindsay Lohan signs up for a Promises outpatient program designed to enable her to "transition" back into her "community"...of cokehead pseudo-socialites. [People.com]
France snubs Turkey in EU talks. We think this has to do with Istanbul beating out Paris in that Newsweek story on "fashion forward" cities. [BBC]
The most interesting part of the whole "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" case? That the word 'bong" was defined for the judges in the appeal. Oh c'mon, Scalia — don't pretend like you and Clarence Thomas don't toke up during recess. [CNN]
In other legal news, it's now on the books that "customer satisfaction" and a missing pair of pants are not worth $54 million. [ABC News]
At a campaign event last night, Hillary Clinton exited to KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See." Could Hillary be replacing her Canadian soft-rock campaign song with an English one? [NBC News]
Kelly Clarkson was bulimic and Jordin Sparks has learned to love her figure: If you have body image issues and one helluva voice get ready — American Idol auditions start July 30 in a city near you. [USA Today]
It's official: Rosie O'Donnell will not be successding Bob Barker. And we are sad. Because we really wanted to see her try to fit some anti-warmongering into her oral description of "a neeww RV!" [E!]
15 U.S. casualties identified since Friday. [DoD]

George Clooney: White Knight To Rich Folk Vacationing in Italy

Jennifer — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 19:15:28 EDT

George Clooney, champion of rich folk with vacation homes everywhere!, protests new construction developments in a small Northern Italian town. Where he has a home. Because he fears the new developments...would turn it into a tourist trap? And then his pretty movie star home wouldn't be a pretty movie star home any more. Boo hoo. [USA Today]
And at the first day of the Glastonbury Festival...it rains. Lucky for festival attendees that Kate Moss, like, practically invented wellies! (That would be galoshes to we American folk.) [BBC]
What? Dick Cheney tried to strong-arm and then do away with people who wouldn't do what he wanted in regards to some classified information? File under: totally blowing our mind right now! [CNN]
Tee hee: Perez gets sued. [ABC News]
The Smashing Pumpkins are back! [E!]
Pres. Bush's advisers think (crazy, we know!) that maybe the prison at Guantanomo should be shut down sooner than later. Yet we sorta have a hunch (crazy, we know!) that Bush is going to continue to disagree. [NYT]
What's more awkward and contrived than Paris and Nicole's break-up? Why Paris and NBC's break-up, of course! The Peacock Network swears it was never a done deal with Paris and that they totally never offered her money. And Paris has only had sex with two guys! [TMZ]
4 U.S. casulaties identified. [DoD]
About seven people informed us that the New York Post had picked up on our ingenious handwriting sample idea. [New York Post]

Wedding Bells, Not Bumps, For Moss And Doherty?

Jennifer — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:58:09 EDT

Is a bridal line in Kate Moss's future? Her boyfriend, supposedly sober Pete Doherty, says that if he can stay clean, he hopes to marry Moss this summer. We say there's as good a chance of that happening as there is our voting for Giuliani in 2008. [Yahoo News]
New names being tossed around to replace Rosie O'Donnell. Yay, the gays! Sex and the City's Mario Cantone and Ross "The Intern" Mathews (of Tonight Show fame) are both being considered for the gig. [E!]
Speaking of the gays, Jerusalem's Gay Pride Parade went off without a hitch this year. And by "without a hitch" we mean, aside from those 18 arrests of ultra-orthodox Jews during the parade, including one who attempted to bomb it. [BBC]
And while we're still on the topic, maybe-homophobe Isaiah Washington continues his reign of victimhood, now saying that it is his Grey's Anatomy castmate T.R. Knight who should have been fired from the show, not him. Dude! Get over it! [People.com]
Wes Craven is suing his neighbor Pauly Shore, claiming that water seeped from Shore's property onto his own and caused major damage. Wow: Pauly Shore and Wes Craven are neighbors? That's fucking hilarious. [USA Today]
No porn or booze for Australian Aborigines. Glad to know that colonial paternalism is still alive and well! [CNN]
First it was the whales, then the dolphins, and now all we can do is worry about the seals. Haven't marine mammals been through enough?! [Reuters]
9 U.S. casualties identified today. [DoD]

John Travolta Can Blow Us. Really.

Jennifer — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 18:59:19 EDT

John Travolta goes all Tom Cruise and says to 'just say no' to psychiatric drugs. Believe us, we've tried. And all that happened was a lot of crying and a lot of weight-gain. [ABC News]
Fatwa, shmatwa: Salman Rushdie will get knighted, despite outcry from Pakistani community. We say this will definitely make Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi hot for her hubby again. [BBC]
Sen. Hillary Clinton issues statement calling President Bush "out of touch" in response to his vetoing of stem cell research bill. Honey, you're the one who picked a Celine Dion song as your campaign theme: Don't judge! [CNN]
And yet, Bill and Hillary Clinton will both be honored by VH1's 'Save the Music' come September. And again we say: Celine Bleeping Dion??? [USA Today]

Don't flush your bra but it's okay ok to flush a kitten if you're trying to save its life. [CNN]
Larry Birkhead says of daughter Dannielynn: "She has long legs and chubby little toes exactly like Anna's; it's like a mirror image." [USA Today]
The New York Times is raising its prices for its print edition; Times Select looks increasingly appealing. [Yahoo News]
1 U.S. casualty identified. [DoD]