Ugh, it's like one of those nauseating stories you hear where someone was supposed to go on vacation with their friends and then they got mono at the last minute and had to stay home and then the plane crashed—except in this case the person with mono is the American public and the ill-fated flight is Jon Stewart almost …

• Austrian Richard Lugner, a "quirky 77-year-old entrepreneur known for his young girlfriends and appearances on reality TV," has asked Lindsay Lohan to be his date for the Vienna Opera Ball next month.

It was like, you want cooking? I'll give you cooking: Ecco, Iron Chef is filming at the White House, Doctor Quinn and Nigella are there, and the new kitchen staff is extremely hot (in a locavore-chef-maybe-slightly-Billy-Zane-but-it's-ok sort of way.)

• For the September issue of Harper's Bazaar, the magazine interviewed Karl Lagerfeld, speaking as Coco Chanel. In character, the Grand Teuton shared such idiotic reflections as: "I was never a feminist because I was never ugly enough for that." [FWD]

• Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have split after less than a year together. A source says the breakup was a result of Miley's traveling, and not Nick Jonas, although he and Miley "have been spending time together." [Us]

Update: after an elderly woman scared off robbers with her Emeril Lagasse brand pot, police seized it as evidence. Now, the chef says he's sending her a whole new set of his signature cookware. [AP]

• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden were seen partying Grammy weekend, so some random source says, "It's almost as if they aren't parents." Kind of a cheap shot. But yeah, the nanny is apparently working overtime. Mom and dad need to party! [Page Six]
  
• Guess who was on the set when Lindsay Lohan posed nude for Bert Stern's…