I am a young (female) mechanical engineer, and have just graduated from college.
Anyhow, I am starting my first serious job, and would like to know what to wear in the business-casual workplace. Do I accent my femininity? Play it down? As you can imagine, this is a male-dominated field, so there aren't many female examples to look at in this case.

I also worry about being taken seriously if I am trendy or stylish. Sometimes engineers will look down upon you if you put effort into looking put together- as in, you should be too busy with your work and such to be getting regular haircuts. In interviews, I always made a point to wear pantsuits as opposed to skirt suits so as not to seem to "girly"... as in "I could fit in here, I'm just like you guys!"

I appreciate the posts Jezebel does about women in the sciences. We've started a program at the local high school to expose the girls there to engineering fields, so hopefully things will be looking up in terms of gender parity....

In the meantime, any advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated!

Hey Dodai,

I'm the girl on the left of the picture. Your post was very thoughtful and well-written. Thanks for that; very few intelligent pieces on Lolita fashion exist, and as such, I felt the need to respond to the question you posed, and to the commentors below.

Lolita culture in the US is most definitely feminist. I would not be part of it if it were regressive. Lolita is incredibly female-positive in that it takes these traditionally female signifiers like lace and bows and makes them ultra-visible in a deliberately subversive way. Simply daring to be visible and loud while female is rebellious in and of itself, but daring to be visible in a way that celebrates femalehood (in a non-Pussycat Dolls way) is very feminist. I've noticed a trend of denigration of traditionally female things—pink is for idiot girls like Paris Hilton, fashion is for stupid girls, etc. Lolita celebrates these things with dresses titled "Poodle Parade," "Magical Etoile," & "Dreaming Macaron" and brands called Metamorphose Temps de Fille (the transforming time of the girl), Angelic Pretty, and BABY, the Stars Shine Bright. There are so many food and sweets-based prints in Lolita, and in a pro-ana world it's personally pretty refreshing to see people celebrate foods that are not celery and Diet Coke.

We certainly do not do this for the attention of men. In fact, the fashion frequently alienates them. Frequently, female sexuality is portrayed in a way that is palatable and accessible to men, and anything outside of that is intimidating. Something so unabashedly female is ultimately kind of scary—in fact, I consider it to be pretty confrontational. Dressing this way takes a certain kind of ownership of one's own sexuality that wearing expected or regular things just does not. It doesn't take a lot of moxie to put on a pencil skirt and flats. It's not, as some commentors have suggested, some sort of appeal to men's expectation that women should be childlike, or an attempt to pander to pedophiles. Pedophiles like little girls. They don't like grown women who happen to like dresses with cakes on them. I've never been hit on by a pedophile while in Lolita. We don't get into it because it is some sort of misplaced pedo complex or anything, and the objective isn't simply to emulate little girls, despite the name Lolita. "Lolita," I'm guessing, is another example of Japanized English—as in, "picking English words without regard to their connotation and putting them in insane contexts"—since the little girl of the novel was really a tomboy. Either way, to have the fetishes of an incredibly small portion of men dictate what I wear is ridiculous! To do so is to misunderstand the objective of Lolita, which is really a harmless subculture that does not infringe on anyone else, or infantilize women in general. It is not a symptom of any cultural ill just because its aesthetic inspiration comes from a period when women were subordinate to men. Why should I be worried about sending the 'wrong messages' to men? Why is that my personal responsibility? Isn't that like saying "she was asking for it"? Is the state of feminism that precarious that my wearing a bow on my head is threatening and regressive? Where is the philosophical debate about men who wear short-shorts or sandals and how they make their gender look bad?

Lolitas are usually into the fashion because they are into fashion in general: if I have a sewing or fabric question, I ask a Lolita, because she knows raschel from cluny and broadcloth from poplin from ten yards away. More than half of my loli-friends go to fashion school. We appreciate the clothing on a very technical level. The brand names do not exploit workers. The people who sew the clothing are usually lolitas. Japanese brands do not outsource the sewing work to China, which is part of why it is so expensive. If you look at a dress closely, the craftsmanship is immaculate.

The nytimes article, while it did justice to the clothing itself, didn't have the space to really represent what the Lolita 'culture' is like. It is about female community! Lolitas dress up mostly for one another—for other women. The girls group together, go out on meetups, and have close bonds. Some of my closest friendships have been formed through the fashion; last weekend I spent more than eighteen hours helping with another girl's fashion show, and housed other girls who were helping out too. We are a very diverse group. No one is excluded on the basis of race or size or even gender (there are boys who dress in lolita: "brolitas"). It is refreshing to be part of a fashion that connects and unites rather than divides. We do, however, tend to shun those who insist on being 'ladylike,' because clothing should not change who you are or how you act—besides, if you're going to dress this ridiculous, it's pretty necessary to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Really, if you want to know where to 'place' Lolita in the continuum of progressive or regressive, my answer is—Why does it need to be placed at all?

Sorry that this is so wordy! I had a lot on my mind.

-Ellie

Look! A gratuitous picture of Clive Owen. Now will you sign up? It's so easy! Just look for the thing that looks like this:

We humbly thank you and return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Entitlement
Really. We're in a "relationship" now? Isn't that a little presumptuous? You know I'm just "settling" on my current husband...how exactly? Are you aware of the world outside your own cocoon of baffling self-assurance? You sent that eleventh text message without reply because you're so very certain I will finally succumb to your charms...based on what? You're unattractive, unemployed and uncharming and yet you tell everyone I'm your type because...women like me have managed to see virtue in you in the past? Why must you assume I am desperate? And why must you assume that I fucked you before, therefore I will fuck you now? Why must you assume that I ever really wanted to fuck you to begin with? That you weren't just a pity fuck in the first place? Did I even attempt to fake an orgasm? Were you even paying attention? Wait, hold on a second, I don't get mad often, so when I fucking get mad, will you fucking look at me when I'm talking to you? Oh my God, are you checking that girl out? Seriously? Which brings me to...

Wandering Eye (Related: the "No Club That Would Have Me As A Member" Club)
You think there's something hotter/smarter/prettier/cooler around the corner. Guess what? THERE IS. ALWAYS. IT WILL NEVER END. SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE, GUYS. You can't fuck all of them. And why the fuck should they fuck you?

'Bros Before Hoes'-ism
You know what females are sick of? Loyalty. Fuck it, you know? We have enough. We don't need it from men. We're strong. Why would we need you to stick up for us ever? Especially our male friends, when they set us up with their male friends and something goes wrong. It's cool to be a leper sometimes, it's like we get to experience apartheid. But like, did it ever occur to you that the guy who coined that phrase, "Bros before hoes," did so because he never got laid?

Compartmentalization
Hey baby, will you tell me that story about how you came in that girl's face that night while shouting our her best friend's name, just to fuck with her? It's cool, because I know you would never do a thing like that to me because our relationship is totally different and you actually view me as more than just, as you so charmingly put it, a "cum dumpster." I feel really special that you made that leap with me.

Delusions of Grandeur
I dated a guy once who, I shit you not, had a two-sided To-do list pinned to his bulletin board. Facing up, we had some mundane reminders — buy a new lamp, exercise more — but if you turned it over, there were a few more. "Write sequel to The Prince." Now, see: that guy had been trained. He had ambitions, sure, but he knew better than to wear him on his sleeve in an attempt to make you think they might interfere with your plans to get Indian food.

Testosterone Supremacy (Related: overuse of terms such as "crazy", "PMS", "drama", "aggro"...)
Hey! I know men are better at math and science, but just where is the book that told dudes that estrogen was the driver of all female emotion? And that our hormones not only render all our thoughts and feelings wild and irrational, but that they blind us to any sense of reason that might lead us to screen the grievances we air to men for accuracy, logic and fairness? Because we're completely oblivious to the fact that women are biologically more emotional than men and therefore can never be told enough that we are engaging in "drama" or being "crazy." Unless we do hear that enough, and stifle our instincts and emotions and learn to choose our battles to the point that we actually get a reputation for being "chill," in which case it is an invitation for our dude friends to profess their love for us and chalk it up to our massive repressed numbness when we find ourselves unwilling to reciprocate. (See this sentiment expressed in Crap Email form here.)

Reciprocation
You know what is fair and just and true,
And it ends in -ilingus if we've gone down on you.

Related: Why Can't You Resist This Woman? [Details]

Earlier: Why Must All Dudes 'Always Be Closing'?
Boys Who Use The Word "Drama": An Investigation

Call me old fashioned, but I think there's never an excuse to snoop in someone's email. If you suspect them of something, put on your big girl pants and address the problem like a woman! Don't go for privacy-invading bullshit. But what do you all think? Is it ever acceptable to search a significant other's email account?

V-Day Advice: Ladies, Don't Snoop In People's E-mail [Salon]
Survey Says: Love At First Ping [Google Blog]

Earlier Crap Email From A Dude Tag Archive

"DH sent me an email last night telling me how hurt he is that I didn't have sex with him on his bday. I'm just too exhausted and too much other stuff on my mind. I work 7am-4pm, go to the hospital till 10, get home, eat, get ready for next day, then go to bed. You think he would understand but I get this huge guilty letter and now I feel like crap."

The women from The Nest took her side (as do we!). Interestingly, however, when this thread made its way to the message boards of TheNest's little-sister site, The Knot , the soon-to-be-marrieds had an entirely different take!

samfish2bcrab:

I might be a bad person but I sort of see the husbands point. It's his birthday, he's probably thinking if he can't get sex on that day then when?

I am a bad person too then. Just take a little while out of one day for your husband. I mean, once people have children, it is so hard for some of them to maintain that relationship with just the two of them. He is probably feeling that.

Although it must be pretty awful to have a child in the hospital, I think they need to schedule time together. That sounds bad but if ever you were to "schedule" in some time, it's his birthday.

IMO, his email wasn't really about the sex. He's probably feeling left out of the marriage, because she's putting all her focus on her job and the baby. There's something bigger going on than some dude wanting to get laid on his birthday. She's an idiot for not recognizing that. And the chick who responded that her baby is more important than her husband's sexual needs is a moron. You don't compare stuff like that. Yeah, it's hard to balance, but there's no priority for either of them. Keeping a marriage going strong is just as important.

That's part of the reason I am uncertain if I ever want kids. I cannot imagine having to share SO. And I don't want what we have to become second fiddle to someone else.

I can't imagine not having sex on his birthday.