Frequently, e-mailers seemed confused about what it is we do here at Jezebel. One guy chose the oddly self-referential subject line, "nice to send e-mail to you," and inquired whether we were "in pet business." Then there was this good Samaritan:

hello my friend, Jesus can help you leave this life of sin.
pornography makes you a slave and only Jesus in his love can help you find your freedom, because as I give your life to Jesus

And, on the other side of the issue:

Hi there

Are you looking for sexy PRETTY WOMEN, MEN AND COUPLES certainly read more.

Are you looking for a one night stand, sex relationship or a serious relationship.

I found a nice and interesting site.

This is the most complete site for swingers in the Netherlands,Belgium and world wide it is a site like tagged.com but
erotic content is

allowed

I has extented profiles, upload unlimited fotos to you own own profile pages, blogs, guestbook the most extensive photo album of famous

Prophecies are also popular. In what may be the longest e-mail I have ever received, a reader lets us know that Jesus is on the way, and He's looking for action:

My Blessed Child, I am your Father Yaweh, yea Jehovah, Most High God! My Blessed Child, just as surely as the wind blows, and just as surely as the sun rises in the East, My promise is ever so true, that I am coming for My Bride!

The above is only a tiny sampling of a much longer piece, which also included a discussion of Morgellon's syndrome and "hidden mind control doors." Others chose to express their predictions for the future more succinctly:

FIXING TO BE ONE BAD ONE. COMMING SOON . WON'T BE IN NO THEATER.

Of course, sometimes emailers are angry, like this one:

Look At Whitney Huston- pathetic example ,she's a wash .Now, not even you thinks she 's worth writing about any more. So save me your concerns. There are many American women out there like Rhianna but very few are like tiger's Swedish wife. She did not play victim,she kicked his behind and is now 300-500 million richer for it! As for tiger, you want us to pity this fool?? He was humping different women unprotected then coming back home smelling like martinis and 2 hour ago sex. Are you guys for real writing such an article?? You need to check out these restaurants that are supporting prostitution in the their establishments . 1500$ a night tiger spent, by himself? Come on!!! The Swede can teach you victimized American women a lot . A WHOLE LOT! You're clueless!!

Yes, we should all model ourselves after "the Swede." But if we can't, there are some who love us just the way we are:

Hey guys, gals, ladies, writers of Jezebel,

I write because I love your on-line publication.
Please keep up the good words.
I admire the wit and intelligence that informs your essays and comments.
Equally, I love to read the spirited writing always present in the same.
I am a subscriber, and a big fan of Dodai, and "commentor"/"commentator" [redacted].

(At this point you've either dismissed me as a "stalker", or as a misinformed, adolescent applicant to what I must have mistakenly thought was The Beatles Fan website.)
(Have a favorite Beatle ? ........)
(And I invited [commenter redacted] to include an "all-consumming but disasterous affair with a middle-aged man" into her list of things she wanted to do in the next two years before withdrawing to a tropical island to write a book — and I recommended myself as a worthy candidate ....., to which she responded with a restraining-order....)

In fact, I am a 51 year old male, firmly entrenched in his own mediocrity, but who is also occasionally cable of remarkable things — when inspired.

Sometimes an emailer's intentions are clear, as in this message:

HI SADIE, ARE YOU A REAL AUTHER? I NEED TO WRITE A BOOK , I NEED A WRITER TO HELP ME. IF YOUR INTERESTED E-MAIL ME & WE WILL DISCUESS IT.

Sadie is now proud to be working on a book with a real live LOLCat. But perhaps the most awe-inspiring of reader e-mails are those for which there is absolutely no discernible purpose. Below, I give you two mysterious missives that showed up in our inboxes this morning:

you Really Like hard worker. /
upturn directive. katie.
So. Revenge.

huu... study sex.
how to live.

shallow history of america.

nothing. american phychology disdain backward country. human dieing-
whats advance?

long time ago in japan already finished dismiss.

so american people now discuss sex feminist gay.

natural usual .better leave it unside.
American Philosophy Confuse World.

old fashion.

Same 2500 Years ago in Roman. Italy.
Freedom woman?
more not Living Well woman.
Runaway for Freedom ()
isaid you must read by Ehrlich From

only love human
you must tender by people.

storng is snap.

flexible. loss is win.soft is storong.
hardpower not continue.

softpower. is DAISAKU IKEDA 1989 in HARBARD speach.

And, shorter but no less poignant:

Childhood and now earnest lack play

me same.
super
sirious Fooleries

hahahaha—da. not relevsant!

thats real relateing.

be fool!

I feel her. I used to hate emoticons myself, and they ranked fairly high on a long, obnoxious and completely hypothetical list of things I considered romantic dealbreakers, somwhere between an inability to catch car keys and enthusiasm for Eric LInklater. (Reality has forced wisdom, humble pie, and a collection of heist DVDs on me.) Along with e.e. cummings punctuation, it was the sort of thing which some modern U (as opposed to Non-) Did Not Do.

And then I got a job on a blog. And in our particular bit of the blogosphere, we communicate almost exclusively via IM. Since we're always on deadline, these communiques are generally terse, even curt. And I soon learned the value of the emoticon: a handy shorthand for softening a brusque one-liner, indicating sarcasm, and, occasionally, injecting completely inappropriate whimsy into an otherwise grim day. Whereas a text can be succinct - we're paying for them, and typing them out is a pain - these indicators are often necessary in other media where the implication might otherwise be, "it's not me, it's you." (Indeed, so precious is our time that we never use that archaic bit of iconography, the em-dash "nose.")

Says Williams,

What is it about the emoticon that fills me with such loathing? Maybe it's the wastefulness of the enterprise, the redundancy of it, the implied lack of confidence in the writer's ability to communicate, or mine to comprehend. If you say, "I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight," I think you're looking forward to seeing me. If you say, "I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight. :-)," I think you're not sure I understand the extent of sentiment in that seven-word message. And if you write, "I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight ;-)," I think your assumption of getting laid this evening may have been a bit premature, Winky.

But, see, nowadays I'd look at that first unadorned statement and it looks, without benefit of so much as a gratuitous exclamation mark, both naked and aloof. Email is, in a way, a cold medium: anyone who's worked in an office has probably trebled his use of excited punctuation, to sweeten requests and imply enthusiasm. And emoticons are just the next step. I wonder if this is what the emoticon's creator had in mind in the early days of computer profileration. And, yes, there was a creator, as Williams tells us.

That man was Scott Fahlman. On Sept. 19, 1982, the Carnegie Mellon computer scientist sent out a message with the subject head ":-)." It was intended to clarify communication on a message board at the university, and it read, "I propose the following character sequence for joke markers: :-). Read it sideways. Actually, it is probably more economical to mark things that are NOT jokes, given current trends. For this, use :-(." The genie was out of the ASCII bottle.

The crying face, the animatronic gif steaming with rage, the bashful, blushing neo-Pac Man were inevitable outgrowths. Of course, in one regard Williams' rant is inarguable:

Of all the crimes perpetuated by the emoticon, surely the most grievous is its role in the passive-aggressive insult. There's at least an honesty to a plain old sarcastic, snotty comment. A group e-mail or Facebook comment to the effect of "Nice dress – I didn't know there was a hooker convention in town. ;-)" or "I guess I'll do all the cooking again like I always do! :-)" is just bullshit. And sarcasm with a wink isn't sarcasm. More than a quarter-century into Internet culture, we can safely say the emoticon has not eradicated flaming or general online assholery. It' s just another useful tool.

But by the same token, I'm guessing the assholery would exist in the absence of the emoticon. The problem, after all, is the brain, not - wait for it! - the smiley face.

Death To smiley [Salon]

Margaret thinks this one was inspired by this post.

Subject: Placing an Order

Hi,

I would like to place an order for the stainless steel douche on your website. Please advise.

Thank you.

Yes, someone saw the phrase "stainless steel douche" and thought, "Where can I get mine?" But at least she was polite, unlike this lady, who had some beef with our Heather Graham post:

I can think of a number of more beautiful, more handsome, more talented, REAL American people in the United States who would be more than happy and willing to star in the opposing Healthcare reform commercial. Who cares that it's Heather Graham, who has played less than modest roles in every single movie she's starred in. She's not an A lister by any means in comparison, and she doesn't speak for the MAJORITY of Americans, nor does she represent us. Contrary to what liberal dems want everyone to believe, Conservatives are NOT against Healthcare reform. They're against SOCIALIZED medicine, SOCIALIZED anything.

What the people keep forgetting and need to continually ask themselves is this. If this "reformed healthcare" is such a fantastic idea...then why will it NOT apply to everyone? Everyone being our Senators, our Congressmen, President and their families. Hm? Can you or anyone who matters tell us that? No, they can't. Yeah, "it's SO great....but it's not for us...it's for you!" HELLO! WAKE UP!

In the end, none of this matters....we win in the end, period! And I have solace in that.

Probably if Heather Graham's "less than modest roles" bother you, you are visiting the wrong website. But at least this opponent of SOCIALIZED anything expresses her views clearly. Sometimes we can't even tell if an email constitutes a complaint, and if so, what that complaint is about. To whit:

Hi Anna,
Since you're an astute woman at the center of thought-provoking storms, most of them caused by men with too much testosterone, do YOU think the American Empire deserves to die—and if NOT, why not and if YES, Who or What would replace us?

MY solution to the world's problems: Forget Swine Flu innoculations. Just drop estrogen-laced candy and cigarettes on all the nations and pretty soon we'd all be arranging furniture and faux-finishing our walls rather than leveling foreign cities.
Thanks!

How does one "faux-finish" a wall anyway? Doesn't matter, since apparently we should really be faux-finishing our faces:

Subject: Don't Spook Anyone This Halloween With Your Wrinkles...

Hi Dodai,

This Halloween, wrinkles can have your face looking scarier than a child's monster mask. While no miracle cream can dissolve your wrinkles in time for all of the upcoming parties – it is possible to hide those wrinkles with the right makeup and the right tips and tricks so you don't spook anyone this season. However, traditional mineral makeup falls into fine lines, making them look MORE pronounced. What to do? [...]

Here are Christopher's tips for achieving a flawless Halloween party ready look:

1. Prep face by washing and applying a serum all over the face
2. Apply a concealer wherever needed in small amounts
3. Lightly apply Veludo Velvet Foundation
4. Next, apply Finale Finishing Powder
5. Use eyeliner and mascara sparingly
6. Top the look off with lip gloss

Follow these steps and you will have a look that will leave people yelling "treat" instead of screaming "trick"!

If someone yelled "treat" at me, I would indeed be "spooked." But not as much as I was by this email:

Subject: Kevin Sorbo caught masterbatings

Actor Kevin Sorbo was sitting around complaining that he had no work to do. He was quietly pissed off that he was just being considered a Britney Spears Promoter. he was whining that noone liked him

Nobody ever fucking liked him. Every one thought he was masturbater. Everyone thought he was a wash up with a stupid fucking show that just about everybody made fun of. Now this is where Kevin Sorbo Messed the fuck up.

This particular missive goes on, accusing former Hercules star Kevin Sorbo of all kinds of lewd acts, my favorite of which is "talking to himself about the porn he has on his laptop." All the allegations seem baseless, and I'm not sure why the tipster thought we would care, but we just posted his email, so I guess mission accomplished! We win in the end, period!

She writes,

I'm starting to think that Internet romances, including Mark Sanford's, are not romances between people at all. They're affairs with the Internet. Watch people who are newly in love, especially any kind of love that requires that the participants keep stealthy and apart, and they're all over their iPhones and Palm Pres. It's P.D.A. with P.D.A.'s. Romance seems to have become an online multiplayer fantasy-adventure game, no less thrilling than World of Warcraft, and open to all ages.

Ignore the lame jokes (from the Maureen Dowd school of technological humor), and she kind of has a point. The Internet, whether you use it to meet or just correspond with a partner, and whether said correspondence is adulterous or not, provides a whole new platform for romance. It allows lovers to communicate with far more frequency and granularity than physical dating affords. You might only see someone once a week — especially if you're not supposed to be seeing them — but in that time you can exchange thousands of e-mails, IMs, and Facebook messages (does anyone really flirt via Twitter?).

These modes of electronic communication don't just augment a relationship — they create a whole new relationship, parallel to and existing apart from any actual face-time. Anybody with both a computer and a heart has probably known someone who sends really charming e-mails but is a dud in person, and anyone who grew up with the Internet has probably had a few IM-only friends or more-than-friends. As Sadie points out, a correspondence can be as exciting as a meet-cute story, and Heffernan notes that frequent e-mailers tends to fall into a certain simpatico groove with one another.

But are they really "with one another"? Or are they just in a relationship with their chosen medium? Maybe a little of both. I know that when I'm stressed out, I find myself checking my e-mail the way others might reach for a cigarette, and I know that online communication itself can satisfy other cravings as well. Getting a lot of e-mail can make you feel successful and desired in a different way than locking eyes with a crush; quickly crafting a witty IM that you can refer back to later is different than simply telling a joke. Especially with the advent of Google's saved chats feature, all my online correspondence can now be archived forever. Critics say the Internet is ephemeral, but the typed word is now more indelible than the spoken one, and lovers can carry on a romance with their inboxes long after the actual affair has ended.

Of course, where there's a new platform for love, there's also a new platform for hate. People are notoriously willing to say things in, say, blog comments that they'd never voice to someone's face, and one reason advice columnists tell you not to break up with someone via e-mail is that it's so (comparatively) easy. The Internet divorces us from the human reality of our interlocutors — we are names typing at names. As such, it's easy to respond to the smallest slight with a burst of vitriol, and to care more about how many followers we have than about whether we've hurt someone's feelings. So has the Internet simply freed us up to express our true enmity for one another? Or have email and blogs and message boards and Twitter actually created a new hatred, a hatred for what other people become when they're no longer forced to deal with us physically, but also for what we've become, and for the medium that has transformed all of us? Is what we have with the Internet a love affair or a hatefuck? Again, maybe a little bit of both.

Love, Virtually [New York Times]

Earlier: Has Online Dating Really Lost Its Stigma?

From: Mark Sanford

To: Maria

Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2008 03:09:44 +0000

Dearest,

You are glorious and I hope you really understand that. You do not need a therapist to help you figure your place in the world [1]. You are special and unique and fabulous in a whole host of ways that are worth a much longer conversation. To be continued ... [2]

Have been having a few email problems as I am getting email through an aircard at the farm, where access to computer world is more than tough [3]. Please let me know if you have gotten my last two eamils (sic) [4]so I know it is working in getting to your part of the world ...

Another glorious day outside. Hope you are doing well, and am anxious to hear about your week. Know that I miss you. Unbeleivably (sic) hard to imagine it has been a week [5]. Please also send your mailing address as I want to send you an insignificant something next week when I am back in civilization that I think you might find interesting given our conversation.

Want to write an indepth note with some thoughts on our visit when I know you are getting these emails. Hugs and much love. M

1. Here the speaker asserts himself as an expert in mental health, an assertion rendered highly dubious by the rest of the text.
2. Perhaps a reference to a phrase commonly displayed at the end of a variety of contemporary television program known as the "soap opera," a type of program which this text resembles in other ways.
3. The speaker attempts to make himself sound "rugged," an impression belied by the fact that he knows what an aircard is, and has one on his "farm."
4. The State's decision to draw attention to every one of the speaker's misspellings with the use of the word sic is both a source of humor in this text and a reminder to the audience to spellcheck e-mails lest they be made public as part of an international sex scandal.
5. The speaker's distorted concept of time foreshadows other cognitive distortions.

From:

To:

Subject: RE:

Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2008 01:42:46 -0400

Beloved back to you...

Got back an hour ago to civilization and am now in Columbia after what was for me a glorious break from reality down at the farm [6]. No phones ringing and tangible evidence of a day's labors. Though I have started every day by 6 this morning woke at 4:30, I guess since my body knew it was the last day, and I went out and ran the excavator with lights until the sun came up. To me, and I suspect no one else on earth, there is something wonderful about listening to country music playing in the cab, air conditioner running, the hum of a huge diesel engine in the background, the tranquility that comes with being in a virtual wilderness of trees and marsh, the day breaking and vibrant pink coming alive in the morning clouds - and getting to build something with each scoop of dirt [7]. It is admittedly weird but one of my more favorite ways of escaping the norms, constant phone calls and formalities that go with the office - and it probably fits with my weakness in doing rather than being - though you opened up a new chapter last week wherein I was happy and content just being [8]. Last point worth further discussion. Afternoon projects had me outside and by days (sic) end I pretty much looked like a homeless person ... but in this case a very content one. Enough about my love of heavy equipment and woods at sunrise ...

While I was getting exhausted with one project after another at Coosaw work week, you were basking (I'm certain gloriously) on the beach..

Sounds great, hope to hear more about what sounds a great spot.

Will now finally get some sleep and write you a longer note with a few more profound thoughts tomorrow or Wednesday. In the meantime I send my love and hope you know I am thinking of you.. M

P.S. I do not want to raise expectations, when I say I will send something insignificant I promise I will do as I say! It wont (sic) be worthy of bedside placement ... was just going to find the movie the Holiday as we had spoken of it last Thursday. Its music was pleasant and made me think of you - its mood and the notion of a holiday (wrapped up in our case over two days) certainly fit as well [9] ... (though our visit in some ways for me was as well less of a holiday than it was uncovering and realization of some things and feelings that again are worth longer conversation)

Had also hoped to find the cd of a song that played as I was flying home and also20made (sic) [10] me think of you. Who knows if I can find the music ... so all you may be stuck with is a long released movie - and if you put it by your bed I really be worried! Love you, good night and kisses back to you ...

6. The speaker repeatedly refers to the dichotomy between civilization/reality and the "farm," revealing his ignorance of the fact that rural environments are, metaphysically speaking, "real."
7. More "ruggedness" (see [3]). The "country music," the "excavator," the "scoop of dirt" are all signifiers of a particular group of conservative American values. Interestingly, these values include marital fidelity.
8. Psychobabble. Perhaps related to the speaker's earlier assertion of psychiatric expertise. Studies show that the use of such psychobabble is inversely proportional to the actual mental health of the user.
9. The comparison with the movie The Holiday appears to be a variant on a phenomenon usually found in adolescents, commonly known as "thinking every song is about your love."
10. In numerology, the number 20 means "I am about to throw away a promising political career for an ill-advised extramarital affair." This may be significant.

From: Mark Sanford

To: Maria

Subject: RE:

Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:24:54 -0400

Sweetest,

It was indeed a long day. I am most jealous of your salad under the palm tree [11].

Three thoughts in one note now that I have a moment [12]. One the travel schedule is about to get real busy (and this distresses me for the way it may well make it more difficult to get your notes over the next few weeks), two unfortunately all the feelings you describe are mutual, and three where do we go from here?

One, tomorrow leave at 5 am for New York and meetings. Will think about you on its streets and wish I was going to be there later in the month when you are there. Tomorrow night back to Philadelphia for the start of the National Governor's Conference through the weekend. Back to Columbia for Tuesday and then on Wednesday, as I think I had told you, taking the family to China, Tibet, Nepal, India, Thailand and then back through Hong Kong on world wind tour [13]. Few days home then to Bahamas for 5 days on a friends boat for the last break of the summer. The following weekend have been asked to spend it out in Aspen, Colorado with McCain - which has kicked up the whole VP talk all over again in the press back home.

Two, mutual feelings. I have been specializing in staying focused on decisions and actions of the head for a long time now [14] - and you have my heart. You have oh so many attributes that pulls it in this direction. Do you really comprehend how beautiful your smile is? Have you been told lately how warm your eyes are and how they softly glow with the special nature of your soul. I remember Jenny, or someone close to me, once commenting that while my mom was pleasant and warm it was sad she had never accomplished anything of significance. I replied that they were wrong because she had the ultimate of all gifts - and that was the ability to love unconditionally. The rarest of all commodities in this world is love. It is that thing that we all yearn for at some level - to be simply loved unconditionally for nothing more than who we are - not what we can get, give or become. There are but 50 governors in my country and outside of the top spot, this is as high as you can go in the area I have invested the last 15 years of my life - my getting here came as no small measure because I had that foundation of love and support so critical to getting up in the morning and feeling you could give and risk because you already had a full tank of love in the emotional bank account [15]. Since our first meeting there in a wind swept somewhat open air dance spot in Punta del Este, I felt that you had that same rare attribute. Above all else I love that inner beauty about you. That gift of yours is going to make a tremendous difference in (The State deleted sons' names) life - and in anyone's life who is blest to be touched by yours - you need to rest very comfortably in that fact. As I mentioned in our last visit, while I did not need love fifteen years ago - as the battle scars of life and aging and politics have worn on this has become a real need of mine. You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) [16] in the faded glow of night's light - but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner - and unlike you I would never do that!

Three and finally, while all the things above are all too true - at the same time we are in a hopelessly - or as you put it impossible - or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure [17]. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes (and yes this is true even if you did occasionally tantalize me with sexual details over the years!) - but it was all safe. Where we are is not. I have thought about it and in some ways feel I let you down in letting these complications come into a friendship that I hope will last till death. In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels know I have crossed lines I would have never imagined. I wish I could wish it away, but this soul-mate feel I alluded too is real and in that regard I sure don't want to be the person complicating your life. I looked to where I often look for advice and counsel, and in I Corinthians 13 it simply says that, " Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude, Love does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in the wrong, but rejoices in the right, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things" [18]. In this regard it is action that goes well beyond the emotion of today or tomorrow and in this light I want to look for ways to show love in helping you to live a better - not more complicated life. I want to help (one of Maria's sons) with film guys that might help his career, etc. I also don't want you walking20away (sic) [19] from some guy (I take it the younger guy you mentioned a t dinner) because of me - and what we both have to see as an impossible situation. I better stop now least this really sound like the Thornbirds - wherein I was always upset with Richard Chamberlain for not dropping his ambitions and running into Maggie's arms. The bottom line is two fold, my heart wants me to get on a plane tonight and to be in your loving arms - my head is saying how do we put the Genie back in the bottle because I sure don't want to be encumbering you, or your options or your life [20]. Put differently, given I love you, I don't want to be part of the reason you are having less than an ideal week in what sounds like a cool spot.

Lastly I also suspect I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before - so if you have pearls of wisdom on how we figure all this out please let me know ... In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul. I love you ... sleep tight. M

PS. I will make it a point in NY tomorrow to drop by a store and get that movie I promised to send your way ... I am encouraged to know you will not keep it beside the bed least we have tangible evidence of two pathetic figures missing each other far too much to live a few thousand miles apart!

11. A lesser-known sex position.
12. Many more than three thoughts are expressed in this "note." Interestingly, none of these thoughts involve the imprudence of sending said note at all, or the possibility that it could fall into the wrong hands.
13. Presumably the speaker means a "whirlwind tour," and not a tour of the world's winds. The State did not mark this mistake, probably due to fatigue.
14. The content of the text calls into question whether the speaker was ever truly a specialist in this area.
15. Here the speaker reveals he is also not a specialist in metaphor. Readers should be warned of the dangers of putting gas in one's bank account, or love in one's gas tank.
16. It is tempting to assume that the speaker is referring to his lover's breasts, but he may also mean her ass and her elbow, or her duodenum and her spleen. All these body parts are involved in the "salad under the palm tree" position.
17. The speaker is referencing a common South Carolina weather phenomenon, "sneaky lightning." It occurs in mid-summer, during drops in barometric pressure, and "when you least expect it."
18. It is telling that the speaker chooses to reproduce this Bible verse, and not Exodus 20:14, " Thou shalt not commit adultery."
19. Another numerological interpretation of the number 20 is "I write really long rambling e-mails."
20. At this point the number of props and characters in this text has grown so large as to be almost unmanageable. No doubt the effort of mentally juggling an excavator, the Bible, John McCain, his lover's breasts, his mother, The Holiday, the characters in The Thorn Birds, a bank account full of gas, and a genie caused the speaker to commit errors in judgment that he, with his avowed concern for the mental health of others, ordinarily never would have committed.

Exclusive: Read E-mails Between Sanford, Woman [The State]
Maria [Politico]

A note on the text: Keith Lewis is a Miss California USA pageant director. cprejeanXXXX here denotes Carrie Prejean.

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 07:19:18 -0700To: Carrie PrejeanSubject: FW: Messages

Carrie,

The Style Network has asked to schedule a general meeting. Generals in the entertainment field are an opportunity for casting and producing executives to gain a better understanding of a potential talents range and demeanor in order to consider them for future projects. They are done without a specific agenda. I have had great success with my actors who have taken generals and would suggest you give it strong consideration. You never know where it may lead and sometimes they develop entire shows around you. The following days are available to meet with them here in LA. Please let me know as soon as possible if any of them work for you.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

Translation: For some reason we think that the ratio between how interesting you are and how much media attention you have received is not ridiculously unbalanced enough. To remedy this, we want people to develop entire shows around you.

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:38 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

What is this for?

Translation: I did not read your e-mail.

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 07:43:45 -0700To: Subject: RE: Messages

Carrie,

It is for a general meeting – please see the explanation below.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

Translation: Read my e-mail.

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:42 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

Just as you need details for things so do I. Also nice move trying to make money off of my appearances Also.. Do not try and silence me by saying I do not have a comment about the prop 8 ruling. Maybe you don't. I do

Translation: I mistakenly assume that the world needs to hear my opinions on controversial issues. Also, I still did not read your e-mail.

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 07:49:07 -0700To: Subject: RE: Messages

Carrie,

I have given you the details completely. Perhaps it is not something you would like to partake in, either way, you can let me know and I will respond to them today.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

Translation: Read my e-mail.

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:40 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

I expect you to be forwarding me ALL email requests and interview requests to me. I know how you are and its not right if you are selecting things for me. Thanks for your cooperation And fyi I am a presenter of medals at the special olympics in a few weeks for the summer games. So now u know I am doing this and I expect your full support. Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. Ill be reading from a show biz script monday. I am doing this

Translation: As my self-absorption increases, my spelling and punctuation decline. Also, I am going to be in "show biz."

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 08:01:35 -0700To: Subject: RE: Messages

Carrie,

As we have discussed, there is proper protocol and we have not waived our rights in any way to your contract. I am happy to try and facilitate the request. Please forward over the information along with the proper contact and we will try and confirm the appearance right away.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

Translation: It is an enormous strain to continue being polite to you, but I am contractually obligated to keep trying.

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:57 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose the the things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice. What are u gonna do fire me for volunteering for the special olympics hahaha ur crazy No I am doing this appearance. You do not need details. Its for the SPECIAL OLYMPICS!!! You just need to know I will be doing it alright

You will not facilitate this appearance

Translation: I see no contradiction between my total rudeness to you and my implication that appearing at the Special Olympics makes me a good person. Also, you're not the boss of me. hahaha

Event planners the world over are presumably psyched that Prejean is now released from her contract, and free to bring her charm and politeness to other engagements.

Exclusive: Carrie Prejean's Emails To Miss California Director Show Escalating Tensions [Fox News]
TRANSCRIPT: E-mails Between Carrie Prejean And Keith Lewis [Fox News]

Earlier: Carrie Prejean: Pink-Slipped

The CDC's website has 174 e-cards that link recipients to information on the agency's website. There are cards for offering congratulations on a new pet, flu vaccination reminders, and get well cards, as well as more bizarre fare such as:

But, the cards we'd be most disturbed to find in our inboxes deal with sex, marriage, and babies. We like the idea of using an e-card to let your partners know you've given them a STD. For most of us, getting that e-mail would be enough to make us go get checked out, but the CDC's card explains you may want to get that clamydia out of your reproductive organs because you may want to put a baby in there some day:

Well, at least the CDC isn't homophobic:

On the surface this engagement e-card isn't too bad, but it links to a "safe and healthy bride" page that starts out by telling future brides to "eat healthy" and "make smart choices to help you look and feel good for your wedding, showers, parties, and new life together." It's the perfect way to tell a friend that you don't want to be the one trying to zip her into that too-tight wedding gown.

But, what if a few years have passed and she and her husband still haven't started a family? (And she has diabetes.) Just pass on this handy hint:

Once she's expecting, there are plenty of ways to let her know that you never considered her mom material anyway:

It's really unfortunate that pregnant woman can't drink, because they may have a hard time calming down after finding these troubling reminders in her inbox:

Even after the kid is born, you can continue sending her intrusive tips about her family. Most people who suspect a friend's child has ADHD would sit them down and break it to them gently, but you could also just forward them this:

Or, just let them know that you think their little rugrats have poor hygiene:

Generally, this is all good health advice, we just don't want to be reminded that we and our loved ones are constantly in mortal danger via e-mail.

Health E-Cards [CDC.gov]
Safe And Healthy Bride [CDC.gov]

Earlier: You've Got Mail! And Something Else...

So in this piece in the Telegraph, Christopher Howse notes that the digital age is doing a number - not shockingly - on snail mail, and as such love letters are an endangered species. Which, he adds, is awesome. Because other people's love letters are embarrassing, and in any case good correspondence provides perfectly adequate reading-between-the-lines proof of affection without the slop, thanks very much. Quoth the curmudgeon,

perhaps love letters will be the last to disappear, for being in love preserves antique behaviour: dining out, dressing up, being polite, even writing poetry. The poetry will be bad, not for lack of feeling but for lack of skill, and so will the love letters. Like other people's holiday snaps, they suggest a whole world of shared experience that we outsiders cannot share. Digital cameras mean the death of old snaps and digitalia are killing love letters. And I, for one, shan't mourn them.

Unlike Howse, most of us are aware that the advent of email meant a resurgence in quotidian correspondence, and if there was a dry patch for a while there, well, now we've got as many revelations and day-to-day details and secrets as the biographers of tomorrow could wish for, at least as much of it preserved in perpetuity as the more ephemeral correspondence of yesteryear. Sure, stuff gets erased; but then, stuff used to get burned. But the man raises a good point: the internet doesn't really lend itself to love letters. For all the risks of drunk-emailing and the manifold indiscretions technology encourages, poetry doesn't tend to be one of them. Sure, there are unwise late-night confessions of interest, but is that really the same thing?

Weirdly, though, the breakup missive is flourishing. (See: Crap Email From a Dude...or that book Anna did!) I'm not even talking drunk, insulting ramblings, here, although I guess those are a sub-genre. Rather, we're discussing the antithesis of the love letter, a detached, deliberate statement of vitriol. Part of why breakups rate this, I think, is that such emails are often couched in terms of practicalities, like, "let's work out this rent issue, and by the way, here's why you suck as a human being." Email is also particularly well-suited to snideness; as everyone knows, it takes a ton of exclamation points and one smiley face more than you mean even to convey warmth; passive-aggressive curtness is so much easier. If you're a communal type, you can read it over, even get second opinions - something one would not do with a love letter. Most of all, email is casual: a dismissive email has the double effect of showing that you don't really care, whereas a letter would imply a telling expenditure of effort.

Best part? As a recipient, you can erase instantly. And without the risk of setting off the smoke alarm.

A Fond Farewell [Telegraph]

There are only two posts right now, but to Weasel's credit, these emails are extremely crappy. We have "Paul," who writes,

I mean, it's not like you are perfect. I mean, my friends give you a 5/ 10 and that's because you're with me. I mean, you aren't going to get anyone better than me are you, you're not exactly a size 2 anymore. [...] Please, don't throw us away, I know things can be perfect, if you just try not stuffing your face all the time, and I will be more accommodating of your rapid mood swings.

And "Erin" (we assume the names have been changed, but shouldn't this still be "Aaron"?), who warns,

You should consider yourself special; I'm likely the only guy to take the effort of writing over 650 words just to tell you to go fuck yourself. Enjoy your life in your own little world. When your relationship fails, and I know it will, be sure you remember this letter and the decent man you threw away. Your conscience isn't finished with you yet.

Psychotic Letters could become pretty cool, but is it misandrist that we're a little weirded out by Weasel himself? His other blog, Why Women Hate Men, compiles crap personal ads from dudes, and boasts, "Please note this website is produced and written by a STRAIGHT MALE!" Can a STRAIGHT MALE truly know why "women hate men"? And isn't there something sort of self-congratulatory about lampooning loser examples of his own gender? We prefer to shame dudes from the safety of our vaginas.

Psychotic Letters From Men [Official Site]

Behold the Twelve Days of Douchebags, a sampling of some of the most egregious portions from crap emails we didn't run this year. Think of these dudes (and chicks!) as little undigested corn kernels that we picked out of our mountain of crap and stuffed in your stocking!

Day 1, The Class Act:
"Did you know that I had no intention of proposing to you? I bought the ring from Walmart as a cheap gift to placate you."

Day 2, The Budding Shakespeare (via text):
"how bout a thnx 4 not wanting 2 take advantage of u, out of respect 4 u"

Day 3, The Budding Poe (inspired by "The Raven"):
"I write some verse for you my love
To retaliate your verbal shove
In case you don’t realise what I wrote this poem for
I’ve been working on it for some time
But if not for the convenient rhyme
I would not have sunk so low as call you boldly, whore!"

Day 4, The Giver:
"at least I know have a cool story about the relationship that came to an end when a girl got frusturated at not being eaten out. :P"

Day 5, The Baker:
"My apartment is ready and I know u haven't gotten down with a pure bread African-Canadian brotha before!"

Day 6, The Martyr:
"You have to know that i did not for a moment wanted to avoid you, for a single moment did not want to be the source of pain and if there was a way, a way that will interchange the sorrow and bitterness of your life and infuse it into mine, a way to throw the perfect stone at the machinery we call life i would - with pleasure - lay down on my knees and with a smile upon my face grab my fate, my faith woven of justice, feel the blade of the guillotine. with nothing but a smile."

Day 7, The Stalker:
"We knew each other pretty decently...enough for me to throw rocks at your window and for it to not be stalkerish."

Day 8, The "I'm-Not-A-Stalker" Stalker:
"i walked the long way to the shoe store on monday to avoid passing your block. should you deign to not get back to me at all, can you at least tell me when you move so i don't have to indefinitely reroute my shopping trips for fear of seeming creepy?"

Day 9, The Psychoanalyst:
"That's why you'renot a good lawyer and why I can tell form the get-go you have low self worth and were brought up in a narcissistic family that made you feel you needed to become a lawyer to have a 'title' to feel good about yourself."

Day 10, The Renaissance Man:
"it is true that i enjoy many facets of life, including drunken debauchery, fun passionate intimatacy, playful reparte, mental acuity, physical sports, and integrity."

Day 11, The Addiction Counselor:
"I still think your a beautiful girl and when you lose a few pounds and tone that body up, your gonna be stunning. Just don't give up. Try and get addicted to hitting the gym."

Day 12, The Nostradamus:
"so yeah, i think the friends (and book recommenders?) thing would probably be a better idea ... not that any of us will live very long anyways, given that the rat-brained-robots are about to take over the world"

I work online, and I IM friends and coworkers all day long. Thanks to e-mail, MySpace, Facebook and LinkedIn, I know what friends and acquaintances are up to without ever hearing their voices. But when I was a teenager, I used to love talking on the phone. True, we didn't have texting, but there was also something about the back and forth of spontaneous conversation that was addictive. Although, sometimes, I didn't even talk to my friends on the phone: We'd just play songs for each other. (The phone scene in The Virgin Suicides made me weep.)

The telephone gives communication an important, human layer: You can hear a person breathe, sigh, sniffle, cough. Inflections and tone give statements subtext and weight. But when it comes to finding or deciphering emotion in texting, IM and email, you might as well be using Morse code. The weird thing is that the less I talk on the phone, the less I want to talk on the phone. When it rings, I sometimes feel interrupted, annoyed or, you guessed it, reluctant to answer. Could it be that because it tends to reveal emotion, the very thing that makes talking on the phone so special is what makes some people avoid it?

I am a young (female) mechanical engineer, and have just graduated from college.
Anyhow, I am starting my first serious job, and would like to know what to wear in the business-casual workplace. Do I accent my femininity? Play it down? As you can imagine, this is a male-dominated field, so there aren't many female examples to look at in this case.

I also worry about being taken seriously if I am trendy or stylish. Sometimes engineers will look down upon you if you put effort into looking put together- as in, you should be too busy with your work and such to be getting regular haircuts. In interviews, I always made a point to wear pantsuits as opposed to skirt suits so as not to seem to "girly"... as in "I could fit in here, I'm just like you guys!"

I appreciate the posts Jezebel does about women in the sciences. We've started a program at the local high school to expose the girls there to engineering fields, so hopefully things will be looking up in terms of gender parity....

In the meantime, any advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated!

Hey Dodai,

I'm the girl on the left of the picture. Your post was very thoughtful and well-written. Thanks for that; very few intelligent pieces on Lolita fashion exist, and as such, I felt the need to respond to the question you posed, and to the commentors below.

Lolita culture in the US is most definitely feminist. I would not be part of it if it were regressive. Lolita is incredibly female-positive in that it takes these traditionally female signifiers like lace and bows and makes them ultra-visible in a deliberately subversive way. Simply daring to be visible and loud while female is rebellious in and of itself, but daring to be visible in a way that celebrates femalehood (in a non-Pussycat Dolls way) is very feminist. I've noticed a trend of denigration of traditionally female things—pink is for idiot girls like Paris Hilton, fashion is for stupid girls, etc. Lolita celebrates these things with dresses titled "Poodle Parade," "Magical Etoile," & "Dreaming Macaron" and brands called Metamorphose Temps de Fille (the transforming time of the girl), Angelic Pretty, and BABY, the Stars Shine Bright. There are so many food and sweets-based prints in Lolita, and in a pro-ana world it's personally pretty refreshing to see people celebrate foods that are not celery and Diet Coke.

We certainly do not do this for the attention of men. In fact, the fashion frequently alienates them. Frequently, female sexuality is portrayed in a way that is palatable and accessible to men, and anything outside of that is intimidating. Something so unabashedly female is ultimately kind of scary—in fact, I consider it to be pretty confrontational. Dressing this way takes a certain kind of ownership of one's own sexuality that wearing expected or regular things just does not. It doesn't take a lot of moxie to put on a pencil skirt and flats. It's not, as some commentors have suggested, some sort of appeal to men's expectation that women should be childlike, or an attempt to pander to pedophiles. Pedophiles like little girls. They don't like grown women who happen to like dresses with cakes on them. I've never been hit on by a pedophile while in Lolita. We don't get into it because it is some sort of misplaced pedo complex or anything, and the objective isn't simply to emulate little girls, despite the name Lolita. "Lolita," I'm guessing, is another example of Japanized English—as in, "picking English words without regard to their connotation and putting them in insane contexts"—since the little girl of the novel was really a tomboy. Either way, to have the fetishes of an incredibly small portion of men dictate what I wear is ridiculous! To do so is to misunderstand the objective of Lolita, which is really a harmless subculture that does not infringe on anyone else, or infantilize women in general. It is not a symptom of any cultural ill just because its aesthetic inspiration comes from a period when women were subordinate to men. Why should I be worried about sending the 'wrong messages' to men? Why is that my personal responsibility? Isn't that like saying "she was asking for it"? Is the state of feminism that precarious that my wearing a bow on my head is threatening and regressive? Where is the philosophical debate about men who wear short-shorts or sandals and how they make their gender look bad?

Lolitas are usually into the fashion because they are into fashion in general: if I have a sewing or fabric question, I ask a Lolita, because she knows raschel from cluny and broadcloth from poplin from ten yards away. More than half of my loli-friends go to fashion school. We appreciate the clothing on a very technical level. The brand names do not exploit workers. The people who sew the clothing are usually lolitas. Japanese brands do not outsource the sewing work to China, which is part of why it is so expensive. If you look at a dress closely, the craftsmanship is immaculate.

The nytimes article, while it did justice to the clothing itself, didn't have the space to really represent what the Lolita 'culture' is like. It is about female community! Lolitas dress up mostly for one another—for other women. The girls group together, go out on meetups, and have close bonds. Some of my closest friendships have been formed through the fashion; last weekend I spent more than eighteen hours helping with another girl's fashion show, and housed other girls who were helping out too. We are a very diverse group. No one is excluded on the basis of race or size or even gender (there are boys who dress in lolita: "brolitas"). It is refreshing to be part of a fashion that connects and unites rather than divides. We do, however, tend to shun those who insist on being 'ladylike,' because clothing should not change who you are or how you act—besides, if you're going to dress this ridiculous, it's pretty necessary to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Really, if you want to know where to 'place' Lolita in the continuum of progressive or regressive, my answer is—Why does it need to be placed at all?

Sorry that this is so wordy! I had a lot on my mind.

-Ellie

Look! A gratuitous picture of Clive Owen. Now will you sign up? It's so easy! Just look for the thing that looks like this:

We humbly thank you and return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Entitlement
Really. We're in a "relationship" now? Isn't that a little presumptuous? You know I'm just "settling" on my current husband...how exactly? Are you aware of the world outside your own cocoon of baffling self-assurance? You sent that eleventh text message without reply because you're so very certain I will finally succumb to your charms...based on what? You're unattractive, unemployed and uncharming and yet you tell everyone I'm your type because...women like me have managed to see virtue in you in the past? Why must you assume I am desperate? And why must you assume that I fucked you before, therefore I will fuck you now? Why must you assume that I ever really wanted to fuck you to begin with? That you weren't just a pity fuck in the first place? Did I even attempt to fake an orgasm? Were you even paying attention? Wait, hold on a second, I don't get mad often, so when I fucking get mad, will you fucking look at me when I'm talking to you? Oh my God, are you checking that girl out? Seriously? Which brings me to...

Wandering Eye (Related: the "No Club That Would Have Me As A Member" Club)
You think there's something hotter/smarter/prettier/cooler around the corner. Guess what? THERE IS. ALWAYS. IT WILL NEVER END. SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE, GUYS. You can't fuck all of them. And why the fuck should they fuck you?

'Bros Before Hoes'-ism
You know what females are sick of? Loyalty. Fuck it, you know? We have enough. We don't need it from men. We're strong. Why would we need you to stick up for us ever? Especially our male friends, when they set us up with their male friends and something goes wrong. It's cool to be a leper sometimes, it's like we get to experience apartheid. But like, did it ever occur to you that the guy who coined that phrase, "Bros before hoes," did so because he never got laid?

Compartmentalization
Hey baby, will you tell me that story about how you came in that girl's face that night while shouting our her best friend's name, just to fuck with her? It's cool, because I know you would never do a thing like that to me because our relationship is totally different and you actually view me as more than just, as you so charmingly put it, a "cum dumpster." I feel really special that you made that leap with me.

Delusions of Grandeur
I dated a guy once who, I shit you not, had a two-sided To-do list pinned to his bulletin board. Facing up, we had some mundane reminders — buy a new lamp, exercise more — but if you turned it over, there were a few more. "Write sequel to The Prince." Now, see: that guy had been trained. He had ambitions, sure, but he knew better than to wear him on his sleeve in an attempt to make you think they might interfere with your plans to get Indian food.

Testosterone Supremacy (Related: overuse of terms such as "crazy", "PMS", "drama", "aggro"...)
Hey! I know men are better at math and science, but just where is the book that told dudes that estrogen was the driver of all female emotion? And that our hormones not only render all our thoughts and feelings wild and irrational, but that they blind us to any sense of reason that might lead us to screen the grievances we air to men for accuracy, logic and fairness? Because we're completely oblivious to the fact that women are biologically more emotional than men and therefore can never be told enough that we are engaging in "drama" or being "crazy." Unless we do hear that enough, and stifle our instincts and emotions and learn to choose our battles to the point that we actually get a reputation for being "chill," in which case it is an invitation for our dude friends to profess their love for us and chalk it up to our massive repressed numbness when we find ourselves unwilling to reciprocate. (See this sentiment expressed in Crap Email form here.)

Reciprocation
You know what is fair and just and true,
And it ends in -ilingus if we've gone down on you.

Related: Why Can't You Resist This Woman? [Details]

Earlier: Why Must All Dudes 'Always Be Closing'?
Boys Who Use The Word "Drama": An Investigation

Call me old fashioned, but I think there's never an excuse to snoop in someone's email. If you suspect them of something, put on your big girl pants and address the problem like a woman! Don't go for privacy-invading bullshit. But what do you all think? Is it ever acceptable to search a significant other's email account?

V-Day Advice: Ladies, Don't Snoop In People's E-mail [Salon]
Survey Says: Love At First Ping [Google Blog]

Earlier Crap Email From A Dude Tag Archive

"DH sent me an email last night telling me how hurt he is that I didn't have sex with him on his bday. I'm just too exhausted and too much other stuff on my mind. I work 7am-4pm, go to the hospital till 10, get home, eat, get ready for next day, then go to bed. You think he would understand but I get this huge guilty letter and now I feel like crap."

The women from The Nest took her side (as do we!). Interestingly, however, when this thread made its way to the message boards of TheNest's little-sister site, The Knot , the soon-to-be-marrieds had an entirely different take!

samfish2bcrab:

I might be a bad person but I sort of see the husbands point. It's his birthday, he's probably thinking if he can't get sex on that day then when?

I am a bad person too then. Just take a little while out of one day for your husband. I mean, once people have children, it is so hard for some of them to maintain that relationship with just the two of them. He is probably feeling that.

Although it must be pretty awful to have a child in the hospital, I think they need to schedule time together. That sounds bad but if ever you were to "schedule" in some time, it's his birthday.

IMO, his email wasn't really about the sex. He's probably feeling left out of the marriage, because she's putting all her focus on her job and the baby. There's something bigger going on than some dude wanting to get laid on his birthday. She's an idiot for not recognizing that. And the chick who responded that her baby is more important than her husband's sexual needs is a moron. You don't compare stuff like that. Yeah, it's hard to balance, but there's no priority for either of them. Keeping a marriage going strong is just as important.

That's part of the reason I am uncertain if I ever want kids. I cannot imagine having to share SO. And I don't want what we have to become second fiddle to someone else.

I can't imagine not having sex on his birthday.