• Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are "quietly" shopping for a love nest in Manhattan. Is this relationship really real? And why so quick on the rebound, your Madgesty? [Page Six]
• Neither Angelina Jolie nor Brad Pitt can really cook. Angie's "signature dish" is cereal. Brad says, "I can rock a Sunday BBQ but that’s as far as my culinary talents go." [The Sun]
• Barack Obama will almost certainly be Barbara Walters' "Most Fascinating Person of 2008." [Rush & Molloy]
• Beyoncé, blue? Back in 1999, after Destiny's Child changed group members, and the former members accused her father of failing to share profits, Beyoncé felt that everyone blamed her for the group's troubles. She says, "For a couple of years when I was 19 I suffered depression." [Daily Express]
• Check out Beyoncé on the cover of Giant. [Concrete Loop]
• Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty want to do a film together? Is this a joke? [The Sun]

• Amy Winehouse sent X Factor judge Louis Walsh a green tie and shamrock cufflinks as a thank you for being nice to her goddaughter Dionne, who visited the show. The gift came with a handwritten note. A source says: "I very much doubt that Amy wrote it herself as at the end of note there was just a scrawling signature in completely different writing." [The Sun]
• Kate Moss and Jamie Hince had a "scuffle" over their holiday plans: Kate had scratches on her cheek; Jamie had a black eye from her chunky ring. [Page Six]
• OMFG: Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr (Chuck Bass and Vanessa) were seen "canoodling" at the Dallas airport on Sunday night. [Page Six]
• Did anyone see Nastia Liukin on Gossip Girl last night? [LA Times]
• Speaking of Gossip Girl, Kelly Rutherford, aka Lilly van Der Woodsen, is expecting her second child. [ET]
• Gwyneth Paltrow is still with Chris Martin; the rumors that she'd shacked up with a real estate billionaire appear to be false. [Rush & Molloy]
• This reporter is shocked that there are dozens of Facebook groups dedicated to "bullying" Nicole Kidman. One is called "Am I Taking Crazy Pills or is Nicole Kidman the Worst Actress in the World?" and another is "Nicole Kidman Looks Like An Alien With Foetal Alcohol Syndrome." The writer claims, "She is hard-working and dedicated to her family and hasn't a hint of the prima donna about her, they say." [News.com.au]
• Kanye West was playing his new album for the band Keane so loud that he blew up the mixing desk. [The Sun]
• Try to picture Keanu Reeves on a panel with Caltech researchers. It's happening Friday; he's discussing his flick The Day The Earth Stood Still and how "science in the movie meshes with real world scientific research." [UPI]
• The new season of American Idol will be "more real" and "intimate" and "raw," "letting the kids be more emotional." Somehow, Paula Abdul plays a role in this. [MSNBC Scoop]
• You know how Peaches Geldof was working on a magazine? It's called Disappear Here and it will be distributed free on Thursday, in "secret places" in New York. [Gawker]
• News you can't use: Clay Aiken is a "hands-on dad." [People]
• Lost fans: There's a casting call out for a father and son who speak Arabic… Sayid backstory plotline alert! [EW]
• Former UCLA Medical Center employee Lawanda Jackson pleaded guilty Monday to selling confidential info about Farrah Fawcett's cancer battle to the National Enquirer. Plus, she used her boss's password to access the medical records of dozens of patients, including Britney Spears and Maria Shriver. She'll be sentenced in May. [Yahoo News]
• Parminder Nagra, who plays Dr. Neela Rasgotra on ER — and whom some may recall as "Jess" from Bend It Like Beckham, is pregnant with her first child. The baby daddy is boyfriend James Stenson, a photographer, with whom she's been for 7 years. [Us Magazine, UPI]
• Courteney Cox Arquette will be on three episodes of Scrubs, starting January 6. Matthew Perry will also show up on Scrubs, later in the season. [People]
• Eva Longoria smokes. [Perez Hilton]
• "Michael Phelps has turned into a party and poker animal, surrounding himself with bimbos and booze." [Page Six]
• M.I.A. is expecting a B.A.B.Y. and is keeping B.U.S.Y. — she has 3 songs on the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack and launched N.E.E.T., a record label to bring politically charged music to the mainstream. She says: "I think my baby is going to start off making club music. That's all I've been listening to. Of course, you never know. When you want someone to do something, it ends up doing the opposite. It might end up being an accountant." [USA Today]
• Uma Thurman's parents unknowingly hired Tanya Hollander — who is accused of booking call girls at Eliot Spitzer's fave escort service — to manage their upstate yoga center. [NY Post]
• Mariah Carey's husband Nick Cannon has purchased a million dollar ski chalet for Mimi in Aspen. Joint bank account though, right? [Mirror]
• Gabrielle Union says the rumor mill helps her dating life: "Ludacris and Hill Harper are two of my closest male friends, and people always said we were all dating. It's like they were blocking for me. I could date the people I wanted to date and no one ever knew because they thought I was, as somebody said, 'sucking face' with Hill Harper." [Daily Express]
• Ellen Page's Oscar nomination is not enough to get her membership in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences — the peeps who vote on the Oscars. [NY Mag]
• Cate Blanchett: Getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this Friday! [Daily Express]
• Akon's trial for endangering the welfare of a minor — stemming from when he threw a 15-year-old kid off the stage in a 2007 concert — has been postponed until December 17. [Perez Hilton]
• Donald Trump's brother, Robert, is getting divorced from socialite and major philanthropist Blaine Trump. [NY Post]
• Naomi Campbell's Russian billionaire boyfriend punched a photographer in the gut. [Page Six]
• We haven't seen Cher in a while, because she's been in Nepal working with orphans. [Page Six]
• Hear Helena Bonham Carter's voice in an MTV ad about domestic abuse. [Guardian]
• Singer Bryan Adams has called the cops over a mother and son stalker team. The pair — possibly from Romania and suffering psychiatric problems — have been following Adams for weeks. [The Sun]
• Did the fact that Axl Rose went "missing" for two months cost Guns N' Roses the number one slot on the charts? [The Sun]
• The set used for the British TV show The Office was destroyed after a massive explosion and fire. [Daily Express]
• "Some people talk about their personal lives a lot. I try not to, unless it's more of a generality. I don't want to broadcast my personal life because I feel it's off-putting. People are like, 'Oh, shut the fuck up. Cry me a river.' Who wants to hear the reality, really? You can't win." — Kate Bosworth. [Daily Expess]
• "I sit with my investors and business managers and accountants looking at the numbers and I’m like, 'Yo, the values of stocks in different areas that I invested in are decreasing!' So I take the loss like everybody else…I’m waking up in a room that was previously Mike Tyson’s bedroom, a fighter who earned over $500 million in his actual career, and when I purchased his house from him he was in bankruptcy…If that’s not a strong enough reminder for you, I don’t know what’s going to remind you to be aware of where you are financially and make conscious decisions…" — 50 Cent, in Forbes. [The.Life Files]

[West Hollywood, November 6. Image via INF]

Another possible reason for the perceived double standards is that men need to exude stereotypical virility to be considered for leading male roles, and while a woman's femininity isn't necessarily compromised by having sex with other women, a man's masculinity can be compromised by his homosexual leanings. "For women," the Advocate's arts and entertainment editor Corey Scholibo says, "it seems that women and, of course, men will still accept them if they admit to experimentation in the past."

The one example of an out actor who consistently plays it straight is Neil Patrick Harris (love him), whose character on How I Met Your Mother is also a cad. But his roles are usually peripheral, and never the lead. Scholibo also notes that the reaction for Lindsay would be far different than if Ellen Page came out of the closet, since she is known as an actress, whereas Lilo is mostly a "celebrity" now.

I think there has certainly been progress made on this front — look at the not-stereotypically masculine stylings of Pete Wentz and his eyeliner-clad, emo brethren — but last time I spent any amount of time around high school boys (or men with high school mentalities), "fag" was still thrown around as a casual insult. I still have my fingers crossed for a Neil Patrick Harris-helmed rom com!!!

Bisexual In Hollywood: OK For Girls, Not Guys [ABC News]

Earlier: Don't Screw With Dina Lohan's Meal Tickets Kids

<,p>
• Ellen Page,Jane Eyre: Page is set to play Jane Eyre in a new adaptation of the classic novel by Charlotte Bronte. Jane Eyre is a bildungsroman about an orphaned girl who works as a governess for a handsome married man with an insane wife he keeps locked away. Verdict: Just because a film is based on a classic piece of literature doesn't mean that it won't be chock full of female stereotypes (in fact, literature is usually chock full of those!) and Jane Eyre is just about the biggest lovable female victim in English literature.

• Eva Mendes, Queen of the South: Mendes will star as a Mexican woman who escapes to Europe after her boyfriend is murdered and then becomes the reigning drug-smuggler in Spain. She does this all while being hellbent on avenging her murdered boyfriend. Verdict: While the avenging-murdered-lover thing sounds kind of victimy, the drug-smuggling thing sounds kind of awesome. Of course, a woman can't rise to the top unless she has some secret traumatic past haunting her waking and sleeping moments!

• Kirstie Alley, Nailed: Alley will play a veterinarian who cannot remove a nail from her niece's head after an accident. Her niece, played by Jessica Biel, then travels to Washington D.C. to fight for better healthcare and falls in love with a congressman. So quirky! Verdict: Alley's role seems a bit too small to get enough attention to swing it towards any stereotypes.

• Susan Sarandon, Peacock: Peacock is a psychological thriller about a town in the aftermath of a train crash. Sarandon will play the mayor's wife who also runs a woman's shelter. Ellen Page and Cillian Murphy are also set to star. Verdict: There are little details about Sarandon's character, but we imagine it would be pretty difficult to portray a woman who runs a woman's shelter negatively.

"Ellen Page Takes On Jane Eyre" [Variety]
"Queen Appoints Hartnett, Kingsley" [Variety]
"James Brolin Gets Nailed" [THR]
"Susan Sarandon, Josh Lucas Join Peacock" [THR]

MOE: So I just had a thought. A strategist on Fox News used the word "fulcrum" and it completely tripped up the blonde, who was like, "I'm still fascinated by that word you used Rich, fulcrum." And then the other guy was like, "Yeah, fulcrum what the heck does that mean?" And the strategist laughed
MOE: And said, "It's physics, Bob, it has to do with the Law of Conservation of Angular Momentum."
MOE: Which is not a law I particularly remember but it gave me this theory: I think that smart people become Republicans to feel smarter than all their friends.
MEGAN: Whoa, he even quoted that? I think today is a Big Word day because David Axelrod just used the word "potentate" on MSNBC talking about leaders in the Middle East and OPEC.

MEGAN: Okay, and now Joe Scarborough just called Tim Daly the Grand Poobah of the Creative Coalition.
MOE: What does that even mean?

MEGAN: Not that it's a definitive source, but Wiki says

Grand Poobah is a term derived from the name of the haughty character Pooh-Bah in Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado. In this comic opera, Pooh-Bah holds numerous exalted offices, including Lord Chief Justice, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Master of the Buckhounds, Lord High Auditor, Groom of the Back Stairs, and Lord High Everything Else. The name has come to be used as a mocking title for someone self-important or high-ranking and who either exhibits an inflated self-regard, who acts in several capacities at once, or who has limited authority while taking impressive titles.

MOE: Hahaha so it's a more appropriate name for an MC than I knew when I began immediately associating it with this awesome party jam...
MEGAN: Dude, that guy on the TV sorta looks like Kid from Kid N Play...
MOE: Oh dude speaking of amazing segues, apparently Grand Puba holds Nation Of Islam beliefs. Which brings me to Michelle Obama, of whom we now know the same thing thanks to the Grand Puba of paranoid indiscriminate hateration. We should totally form a Hitchens-inspired hip-hop collective. I know some rappers who would dig it. We would get on Stuffwhitepeoplelike IMMEDIATELY.

MEGAN: Oh, Christ, Hitchens takes so fucking long to get to the point, which is him calling Barack, basically, pussy-whipped. Which, obviously, any man that doesn't indiscriminately cheat on his long-suffering wife the way Hitchens does obviously is.
MEGAN: Did I ever mention that I once watched Hitchens leave a party with a really pretty 18 year old? She might've been 20. She had some crazy hero-worship in her eyes, but I'll bet he sweatily fucked that out of her with his stale cigarette smell and tiny British ween.
MOE: Man I was checking TheRoot for some response to the Hitch and the lead story is on "Why The Summer Of '88 Was My Generation's Greatest." The late eighties were so rad in a lot of ways, I'm just remembering. The End of History and the like. But it was also, like, one of the bleakest eras for American cities, which I kind of think represent the future of American pluralism, which apparently Michelle Obama didn't believe in in 1985, which is why we are now wondering if she isn't a radical bitterfascist.

MOE: And that is a very good read on the situation. I was honestly disgusted he chose to go after her fucking college thesis which is basically about how alienated and inferior she felt on account of all the elitist assholes at Princeton.
MOE: And he writes:

To describe it as hard to read would be a mistake; the thesis cannot be "read" at all, in the strict sense of the verb. This is because it wasn't written in any known language.

MOE: Which is true of most academic papers.
MEGAN: Man, I sort of wish I could've written about that for my college thesis. I had to write about the role of ideology in determining women's status in the labor market in Germany before and after reunification.
MOE: But not even of hers.
MOE: I dropped out, yay. I don't think I wrote a decent paper ever in my life after my treatise on the collapse of the Weimar Republic in tenth grade. After that it was all an alcohol haze. I wrote some good stories for the Journal that were better researched than any of my papers, however.
MEGAN: I picked a graduate school based on where I didn't have to write another thesis, which is why I ended up chucking my completed SAIS application in the garbage rather than sending it.

MOE: : This was Christian's take on Hitchens which sort of nicely unpeels the layers of disingenuousness:

What he's really saying is, I, the Hitch, know that people must necessarily allow contradictions into their lives, especially politicians, who typically do so cynically, but I am cynical enough myself to pretend that I don't know that, and so I can write a column that honestly admits that Obama really has nothing in common with his Reverend (did I mention that I, the Hitch, hate all churchees—I know politicians are only pandering to them, but it's fun to pretend they're not) but that his wife is a menace.
7:14 PM asserts that his wife is a menace anyway.

MEGAN: Also, I am not going to click that again because it is more than I can handle imagining Hitch having his taint waxed AND NOW I HAVE IMAGINED IT AGAIN and I think I might hate you a little, give me a second to wash the taste of bile out of my mouth and then let's change the subject.
MEGAN: Here, let's talk about Clinton saying that OPEC can no long be allowed to exist so she's going to file a WTO complaint even though, like, she's not so keen on free trade policies or something and I'm pretty sure there's no way it would succeed.
MOE: Ah, yeah so there is a bill to amend the Sherman Act to make oil-producing and exporting cartels illegal.
MOE: God, remember the fucking Sherman Act?

MEGAN: Which means, what? That we won't buy oil from OPEC anymore? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MOE: Well, if the Heritage Foundation and major trade unions can agree on something...

Indeed, the only serious challenge to the organization came in 1978 when a U.S. non-profit labor association, the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers (IAM), sued OPEC under the Sherman Antitrust Act, in IAM v. OPEC. But the case was rejected in 1981 by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. OPEC, the court affirmed, could not be prosecuted under the Sherman Act due to the foreign sovereign immunity protection it claimed for its member states. That decision was wrong. Government-owned companies that engage in purely business activities do not warrant sovereign immunity protection according to prevailing legal doctrines

MOE: Apparently the effort was led by William "Wimpy" Wimpsinger. I like that he took that "wimp thing" and sort of owned it. Do you think Hitchens cynically wants the Clintons back because it makes his job easier?

I have the distinct feeling that the Obama campaign can't go on much longer without an answer to the question: "Are we getting two for one?" And don't be giving me any grief about asking this. Black Americans used to think that the Clinton twosome was their best friend, too. This time we should find out before it's too late to ask.

MEGAN: Wait, so white man Christopher Hitchens would like Black America to know that the Obamas will... what exactly? Betray them like the Clintons? I think this is why I only read stuff he writes about him waxing his back, sack and crack.
MOE: Oh man hip-hop reference segue time #2 of the morning. Let's give a shout-out to Khia. Dude, the Hitchens inspired DJ collective is a total gold idea. I know these dudes Plastic Little who could get into it. They're biracial like Obama. But I think we've gotta address the notion of Burma, and how this cyclone hit just as Hollywood celebs were getting in on the action.
MEGAN: So, am I right that the appropriately white guilty thing to do is not talk about the oppressive government for a bit?
MOE: Here's the latest "That's So Jane's!" on the matter, God I love this graphic...Apparently you likened Burma to Katie Holmes.
MEGAN: Oppression shows its face in all kinds of dark ways.
MOE:

It's an Orwellian nightmare that makes China look like a liberal paradise by comparison. For twenty years there has been nothing on this scale and when protests have been staged they have been in the order of hundreds and have been easily dealt with. The monks posed a huge dilemma for the military since they initially felt that they could not simply resort to smashing skulls and opening fire indiscriminately. Buddhists believe that what you do in this life will determine how you come back next time. So massacring a few monks is more likely to see you come back as a cockroach than achieving nirvana.

MEGAN: Well, but they'll be born in China or India more often than not, so it's like they get reborn into a less oppressive regime?
MOE: Okay here's another thing. The last sentence of that Times story.

If you talk to Vaclav Havel, he'll say that Lou Reed's support for human rights in Czechoslovakia was very important to the cause."

MEGAN: Um, I guess the cool factor is really important?

MEGAN: But neither Ellen Page or Jim Carrey is Lou Reed.
MOE: Okay so there's a primary tonight and I'm sick of primary nights but I suppose we ought to address it. Hillary Clinton will win in Indiana because she's "not going to put my lot in with economists." Obama will win North Carolina because Petey Pablo is from there. Oh man, hip-hop foray part III. Do you remember when Petey Pablo did that remix of "North Carolina" on the USA after 9/11? I'm sure you won't, but some commenter might. I think he also went to Afghanistan. Okay. Any predictions?
MOE: Terry McAuliffe is on Fox right now. His prediction is that "people will be saying she did better in both states than they thought she would." Jesus Christ.
MEGAN: I predict me and a lovely bottle of Petite Sirah will be blogging it tonight for Glamocracy. And that I hate being wrong so I don't make predictions but it does seem like the polls are saying that Hillary will take Indiana and Obama will take NC.
MEGAN: Whoa, talk about managing expectations there, Terry Boy. I didn't think the polls in Indiana were that close, plus she's been standing in pickup trucks! Pickup trucks are like electoral gold in Indiana.
MOE: I'm going to leave us with a passage from David Brooks, because I found it calming, sort of like certain candidates.

This wasn't just shameless spin, it was shamelessness with a purpose. Clinton signaled that she wasn't going to concede even an inch to the vast elitist conspiracy. She wasn't going to feel guilty about ignoring the evidence. She was going to stomp on it, flay it and leave it a twisted mass of jelly quivering on the ground. She was going to perform the primordial duty of an alpha dog leader — helping one's own....But, as Sunday's contrast made clear, Obama still seems like a human being. He still seems to return each night to some zone of normalcy where personal reflection lives.He wasn't fully candid when answering questions about the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, but there are some inner guardrails that prevent the spin from drifting too far from the truth. Thoughtful and conversational, he doesn't seem to possess the trait that Clinton has: automatically assuming that critics are always wrong. Obama still possesses his talent for homeostasis, the ability to return to emotional balance and calm, even amid hysteria.

The Accused: CelebNewsWire
The Crime: Reduction of a woman to her genitalia.
The Evidence: "Sore-Riddled Vagina Seeks Spotty Pussy," reads the headline of a story about Paris Hilton wanting a cheetah. Listen, yeah, it's Paris, but seriously. The story could be reported in a funny, non-misogynistic, non-offensive way. Calling her a "vagina" and labeling it "news" is despicable.
The Sentence: Mauling by Cheetah.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Dwelling on armpit hair.
The Evidence: "I also happened to notice that in this scene from The Tracey Fragments, in which Ellen Page is topless, and flashing her ass, her armpits are totally unshaven. Now, this could just mean that Ellen Page has different views on hygiene, but when you're a big-time Hollywood star, not shaving your armpits is a pretty big statement." Yawn. Females have armpit hair. And leg hair. And, gasp! Pubic hair. Who the fuck cares.
The Sentence: 90 days of hypertrichosis.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Unnecessary attention to cellulite.
The Evidence: "Mushy Gets Mushy: How can such a skinny girl have so much cellulite???? Drunk-driver Mushy Fartone celebrates avoiding a jail sentence by indulging in some shopping in Los Angeles on Tuesday. Unfortunately for her, she flashed a little more than she should have to the paparazzi. Be careful Msicha, you've got the fat genes in your family. Mommy's a hefty gal, and it looks like you will be too!" Cellulite is a naturally occurring condition that practically ALL POST-ADOLESCENT FEMALES develop. It is not related to being overweight. Genetics, gender, race and hormones affect cellulite. As long as she can use them to walk, Mischa's legs are fine. Also: Shut up.
The Sentence: Freaky Friday-style bodyswap with Manuel Uribe for 90 days.
Additional Crime: Under a photograph of Sharon Stone: "The actress, who hasn't been in a hit film in, like, forever, is finally starting to look her age. Sharon just turned 73 50. And she looks it!" Our own Maria-Mercedes asks, "Is there something wrong with looking your age?" The answer is, of course, no.
The Sentence: A hearty slap across the face from Sharon Stone, and may she have rings on.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Weight-mockery.
The Evidence: "Jennifer Love Hewitt's Big Ass On The Prairie: It looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ankle finally gave way under the pressure." Hahaha hey you guys, it's so fun to call J. Love Hewitt fat, I mean look at her neck, it's like so gigantic, and women are only as good as they look, hahahaha.
The Sentence: A reader pointed out that last week's medieval tortures did not include the Catherine Wheel, so let's use it now, shall we?

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Again with the mocking of pregnant women. Do these people not have mothers?
The Evidence: "Jessica Alba had her baby shower this weekend, and it served as a nice reminder that pregnancy slowly turns even the hottest chicks into monsters. We may have gone past the point of no return with this one." Why are pregnant women scary monsters? Are they creepy and gross? Does someone need some psychological help? Or a cookie?
The Sentence: Repressed memory therapy and 90 days community service rubbing the feet of pregnant women.

Drunken Stepfather Quote Of The Day:

My problem is not with women but with feminists who create Women's Studies programs in Universities and who overcompensate by denouncing their sex appeal, putting on a pair of construction boots and taking of their make-up so that they can be hard ass cunts by taking themselves too seriously and ragging on people like me in some kind of fight for women's rights and a whole down with penis mission. All this while denying that they can use their bodies and sex appeal to get ahead. I've never had issues with girls who are down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit, because I don't think women have nothing to say and are useless and only good for fucking, but because I think there's a group of these lesbian manhaters than are giving good sweet girls who I like to be around a pretty bad name....

Slate:

Too bad the movie's central relationship, the prickly courtship between Wetherhold and his doctor girlfriend, never finds its momentum. Quaid and Sarah Jessica Parker, both terrific, aren't to blame. The problem is that their relationship proceeds according to the As Good as It Gets law, which dictates that angry, paunchy, deeply disturbed old men in the movies need only to dial down their unpleasantness by 5 percent to win the affection of smart, kind, beautiful young women.

Its pretty conventional characters are often pretty funny. Or maybe I should say, surprisingly interesting. Ellen Page (recently of =Juno ) brings her wise-child persona to a somewhat more mature character with ironic expertise. The same can be said of Church, who knows how to do slackers, without seeming to be one as an actor. Paradoxically, he's an energetic slob. Parker probably has the toughest assignment here, as a smart woman making a dumb choice. But she has charm and perkiness and if she doesn't entirely persuade us to suspend disbelief, she at least gets us to elide it.

Noam Murro's feature debut, "Smart People," suffers from that kind of perspiration problem. There's not a minute in the picture where we're not reminded, either by a too-polished line of dialogue or a precociously unstudied camera angle, that this is a movie for an intelligent, sophisticated audience, an audience who just naturally gets it. "Smart People" is so preoccupied with congratulating us for getting it that it fails to give us much to get in the first place, even though it features a respectable ensemble of actors — among them Dennis Quaid, Thomas Haden Church and Sarah Jessica Parker — squeezing as hard as they can to wring some life from the material.

In addition to the machinations of father, daughter and brother, there is a flimsy subplot involving Quaid's son (Ashton Holmes), a college student with literary aspirations of his own. Mystifyingly, there is a young female character who plays a student of Quaid's who also shows up on his college's search committee for department chairman. No explanation is made, making it seem as if the filmmakers were scrimping on hiring actors.

Ellen Page does the best she can as a teen automaton who wants her Dad to stop holding onto Mom's old clothes because if he donates them to charity they'll get a tax write-off, "which is pretty cool." But this pitiless caricature of Young Republicanhood is meant for broader farce, not a dreary dramedy like Smart People. As it is, it's hard to shake the impression of Juno MacGuff offering an ironic portrait of Tracy Flick.

But as refreshing as it is to hear people speak in complete paragraphs in a movie, these characters all feel vaguely familiar. Page, fresh off her career-making star turn in last year's "Juno," affects the same irritatingly prolix persona of that movie's precocious title character, the only difference being that Vanessa is a Young Republican. As the commitment-phobic doctor, Parker often resembles Carrie Bradshaw in a white coat, plying the same approach-avoid technique for romance that propelled "Sex and the City" season after season. And for all the sympathy Quaid implicitly brings to the stock character of unrepentant academic misanthrope, Wetherhold's pomposity and pedantry fit too squarely into what is by now an overused mold.

Lawrence, a widower not so secretly married to his grief, hides behind a façade of insouciance fortified with truculence. If he were more readily likable, the movie would be predictable, but he isn't, and it isn't (except, perhaps, for a flagrantly feel-good end-title sequence). This is some of the best work Mr. Quaid has done in an always interesting career. Since he's an exceedingly likable actor, he can play Lawrence as a pompous stranger to his children (he also has a son, a closet poet) and the despair of colleagues who think they know him, yet keep us rooting for him all the way.

That may sound like a minor accomplishment, but the great virtue of "Smart People," attributable to Noam Murro's easygoing direction as well as to Mr. Poirier's wandering screenplay, lies in its general preference for small insights over grand revelations. There is a fairly busy plot, and some of its developments — an unplanned pregnancy, a flicker of quasi-incestuous sexual interest, the acceptance of a poem by The New Yorker — clatter onto the screen like carelessly flung darts. But to a greater extent than in most comedies, the narrative seems more like background or scaffolding than like the engine that drives the characters, who are propelled instead by their own colliding, confusing, idiosyncratic energies.

• Beyoncé and Jay-Z have taken out a marriage license! In Westchester, NY! They have up to 60 days to tie the knot. Where do you think they're registered? And what do you get the couple who has everything? [NY Post]
  
• Post-rehab Eva Mendes is "taking a break and having a good time" by exercising and being with her family. Bo-ring. [People]
  
• Jane Fonda has a new boyfriend, Lynden Gillis, who met her when he asked for her autograph at a book signing. They "met cute!" [Page Six]
  
• Um, we saw pictures on X17 of Lisa Rinna kissing a man who was not her husband Harry Hamlin. She was clad in a bathrobe and drinking wine. The pix were taken yesterday in Malibu. More info to come!
  
• Heather Mills: Vowing to break up Paul McCartney's new romance? [Mirror]

• Drew Barrymore: Seen photographing Bunnies at the Playboy Mansion. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which lead actor in a hit ensemble TV show brags that a female conquest isn't complete unless at least one of his hotel room neighbors calls security about the noise? " [Gatecrasher]
• Jamie Lynn Spears is planning her wedding! It will take place at Serenity, the Kentwood, LA home Britney bought for the fam, and Brit will probs be a bridesmaid. Can't wait! [MSNBC]
• Dita Von Teese starred in a "kinky lesbian movie" years ago, but clips are just now showing up online. Someone send a link please? (For a friend.) [The Sun]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie sleep with electronic devices: "We lie right next to each other with our BlackBerrys under our pillows. It's not unromantic, it's practical." [The Sun]
• Madonna will be in Malawi next week for a final court ruling on whether she can adopt David Banda. There are an estimated 1 million orphans in the country, so her chances look good. [Reuters]
• Oh, and Madonna thinks of the UK as her home. "My kids are at school there, my horses are there. And I love the weather. All that rain and moisture are good for the skin." [Mirror]
• Sharon Osbourne says of daughter Kelly's friends: "I don't approve of them." Could she be talking about Ms. Amy Winehouse? [Mirror]
• Tracey Edmonds, who "got married" to Eddie Murphy on a tropical island in January only to break up with him 2 weeks later, is now dating TV chef Rocco DiSpirito. Good luck! [Concrete Loop]
• The Village Voice's Michael Musto continues to ask: Ellen Page a lesbian? [Village Voice]
• Velvet Revolver no longer has Scott Weiland as its lead singer. "his increasingly erratic onstage behavior and personal problems have forced us to move on." But he's so so hot! [Rolling Stone]
• Celine Dion's Beijing show is canceled because organizers didn't get the proper permits. China, what's up with you lately? [Reuters]
• That Valkyrie movie, in which Tom Cruise plays a Nazi with an American accent, might just be sucktastic. Is Tom getting desperate for a career comeback? [LA Times]
• Jimmy Kimmel says after he shot the video for "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck," "I brought Ben back to my house to watch Lost, and I ended up spooning with him." [Rush & Molloy]
• Robin Williams' wife filed for divorce last week — is it because Robin is dating an artist who is 29 years younger? [Rush & Molloy]
• If Avril Lavigne ran a celebrity tabloid, "I would make it completely positive," she says. "There's so much negativity right now. I'd pick up the big stories, but they'd have to be positive." [Rush & Molloy]
• American Idol contestant David Cook was rushed to the hospital last night with heart palpitations and high blood pressure. He's been stressed out because his brother has cancer. He was released but is being monitored. [TMZ]
• Also, Ryan Seacrest hurt is knee. Poor baby. [TMZ]
• Jay Leno apologized yesterday for prompting Ryan Phillippe to give the camera his "gayest look" on-air. (Phillippe replied,"Wow. That is so something I don't want to do.") GLAAD said Leno's "joke" was "demonstrating a lack of respect." [People]
• Tia Mowry of '90s show Sister, Sister is getting married in 3 weeks, and leaning on — you guessed it — her sister Tamera for help. [People]
• Oooh, a London-based version of The Hills? With brainier chicks? [E!]
• Rumer Willis will guest star on Miss Guided, the TV show produced by her stepdad, Ashton Kutcher. Now you can't say she's famous for nothing! [ET]

[New York, March 31. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[LAX, February 25. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

The Good:

The Bad:

The Ugly:

[Los Angeles, CA; February 24. Image via AP.]

The Good:
Justine Bateman: Looking good, looking like herself.
Kate Beckinsale: Looks white hot.
Patricia Clarkson: Love her.
Allison Janney
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: She's still pregnant, they're still attractive.
In black, Sienna Miller looks chic.
Ellen Page: Still sticking to her guns.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Still looking chic.

The Bad:
Is Maria Bello going into surgery?
Diablo Cody: Stop trying so hard. And so unsuccessfully.
Ricki Lake: Prefer her in tighter fitting looks — she looks lost in this.
Elizabeth Reaser looks like she got dressed from Forever21.
Keri Russell: Wearing her Waitress costume?
Emmanuelle Seigner is definitely independent. And definitely spirited. But I'm just not sure if it all works together. Major points for being hot and French, though.
Wei Tang
Agggggghhhhh Aisha Tayler looks rough. And what's with the boots? Oy.
Love Kerry Washington's skirt; hate her shiny yellow turtleneck.

The Ugly:
I'm beginning to suspect that Molly Sims is incapable of making a good wardrobe choice.
Ileana Douglas: Would have been better off in black and white.

[Santa Barbara, CA; January 31. Image via INFDaily.com]

Best Supporting Actress:
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There: Come on, she plays that genius music man Bob Dylan! Who was most definitely not a victim. Or a hooker. Or even a woman. Verdict: OK!

Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton: As Hillary Clinton taught us, even if other people try to hate on you, once a ball-busting lawyer, always a ball-busting lawyer. Which means that Swinton's character gets a Verdict: OK!

Ruby Dee, American Gangster: Yeah, it's sort of an iron-clad rule. Playing the guilt-ridden mother of a heroin dealer leaves no other option than Verdict: Victim!

Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone: She's an alcoholic. And her kid goes missing. Most definitely Verdict: Victim!

Saorise Ronan, Atonement: Once she reaches young adulthood, her character attempts to correct an error in judgment she had as a child by (spoiler alert!) concocting and selling a fictitious version of events. Which makes her either a crazy or a sociopath. No matter how you look at it, dying alone with regret makes you a guaranteed Verdict: Victim! (Even if you're the one making others into victims. Life is complicated like that, natch.)


Best Actress:

[Note: All of these nominees are sorta hard to pin down, so dangerously close do they dance between the line of victim/not-victim. So instead, we simply consulted our Magic 8-Ball.]

Julie Christie, Away From Her: Gets Alzheimer's, has to go to a nursing home, but then finds love. Too bad she's married! The story is sad, but good for her for finding some happiness. Also, isn't it not politically correct to call a person with Alzheimer's a "victim"? Verdict: Signs point to "no".

Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose: Her mother was an alcoholic and she grows up to be one too, in addition to, you know, real-life French chanteuse Edith Piaf. Also, has string of bad relationships and loses her only child. But she's a star, people, a star! Does becoming one of the biggest talents of our time cancel out the tragedy? Verdict: Absolutely.

Laura Linney, The Savages: Has a bad temp job, wants to be a playwright, denied every grant she's ever applied for, involved with a married man, father is dying. But: she's the smart and sassy sister to Philip Seymour Hoffman's even more pathetic brother, which means we're willing to give her the big ol' Verdict: My Sources Say No

Ellen Page, Juno: Has unprotected sex, gets pregnant, decides to keep the baby and give it up for adoption. By movie's end, she's landed her dream man (her dorky best friend), learned that childbirth is painful, makes a woman who wants to be a mom happy, grows closer with her own parents, and even manages to slink back down to original svelte teen-aged self when it's all over. Here's a girl who gets pregnant and refuses to play the victim, which somehow heightens the unavoidable sadness and gravity of the situation. Verdict: Outlook Not So Good

Earlier: Oscar Noms 2008: Women Can Write, Not Direct

Best Supporting Actress:
Cate Blanchett — I'm Not There
Tilda Swinton — Michael Clayton
Amy Ryan — Gone Baby Gone
Ruby Dee — American Gangster
Saorise Ronan — Atonement

Best Supporting Actor:
Casey Affleck — The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
Javier bardem — No Country For Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman — Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook — Into The Wild
Tom WIlkinson — Michael Clayton

Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett — Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie — Away From Her
Marion Cotillard — La Vie En Rose
Laura Linney — The Savages
Ellen Page — Juno

Best Actor:
George Clooney — Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis — There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp — Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones — In The Valley Of Elah
Viggo Mortensen — Eastern Promises

Best Director:
Ethan and Joel Coen — No Country for Old Men
Paul Thomas Anderson — There Will Be Blood
Julian Schnabel — The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Jason Reitman — Juno
Tony Gilroy — Michael Clayton

Best Original Screenplay:
Tamara Jenkins — The Savages
Diablo Cody — Juno
Nancy Oliver — Lars and the Real Girl
Tony Gilroy — Michael Clayton
Brad Bird, Jim Capobianco, Jan Pinkava — Ratatouille

Best Adapted Screenplay:
Atonement — Christopher Hampton
Away From Her — Sarah Polley
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly — Ronald Harwood
No Country For Old Men — Ethan and Joel Cohen
There Will Be Blood — Paul Thomas Anderson

Best Picture:
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

No Country, Blood Lead Oscar Nominations [Reuters]

The Good:

Tilda Swinton looks totally nuts. I love it.

Emily Mortimer is a total coquette. Le swoon.

Brava Ellen Page: The girl has already mastered red carpet chic.

Does Kate Winslet ever look bad? Even when wearing what is essentially a ribbon-belted garbage bag?


The Bad:

Nicole Miller is a fashion designer! Of pretty dresses! So why does she look so M.O.B.?

Sarah Larson is a pretty girl. She is dating a hot guy. She needs to step it up.

Jurnee Smollett's look is definitely the most exciting one of the evening. But not necessarily in a good way.

Yeah, yeah: Catherine Zeta Jones looks good. And Michael Douglas looks old.


The Ugly:

Julian Schnabel gives the stink eye.

[All photos via Getty]

Ellen Page To 'Whip It!' For Barrymore [Variety]
More Sign On To 'Make A Porno' [Hollywood Reporter]

• First, we made a New Year's resolution to be nicer to womanity.
  
• Then we agreed with Julie Burchill and told you how awesome bitches are.
  
• We also felt conflicted over the trainwreck that is the life of Britney Spears. Are we the cause, or the, well, cause?
  
• But you know what's totally not our fault? Kumari Fulbright, the law student (well, now probably former law student) who posed in a bikini for a gun calendar and kidnapped her boyfriend with three middle aged men.
  
• We also met her awesomely meth-y mugshot
  
• And her equally awesome Facebook profile!
  
• Obama won in Iowa, and boy, were we excited.
  
• Just like Scar Jo, the other Obama girl.
  
• So let's all celebrate with a few beers at Ellen Page's haunted whorehouse, because no one likes transparent sluts better than us.

[NYT —Carpetbagger]

I saw Diablo's incredible debut, Juno, on Wednesday night. It's about a 16-year-old girl (Juno, played by the unparalleled Ellen Page) who, after finding herself pregnant and half-heartedly attempting to hang herself with red-rope licorice, decides to keep the baby. At first Juno is going to have an abortion, but is freaked out by the clinic receptionist, who offers Juno boysenberry condoms, because, as she explains, they make her boyfriend's "junk smell like pie."

Juno decides that she wants to give her baby up for adoption instead, and she pictures the ideal adoptive parents as "A graphic designer with a cool Japanese girlfriend who plays the bass." The language in Juno is quirky, but not so precious that it feels forced. When Juno tells her best girlfriend, Leah, that she's up the stick, Leah goes "Phuket, Thailand!" (Don't worry, I've already integrated that into my vocabulary.)

After the preview screening, there was a Q&A with Diablo, Ellen Page, Jennifer Garner (who plays the potential adoptive mother of Juno's unborn child) and director Jason Reitman. I asked Diablo about her experience as a woman in Hollywood, what, with Warner Brothers' head putting a freeze on films with female leads and most lady roles reserved for hookers, victims and doormats. Diablo said that although she had no trouble getting Juno made, her subsequent experiences in Hollywood have inspired her to go on a personal mission to make movies starring complex, intelligent leading ladies. In a New York Times article that comes out this weekend, Diablo says: "The attitude towards women in this industry is nauseating. There are all sorts of porcine executives who are uncomfortable with a woman doing anything subversive. They want the movie about the beautiful girl who trips and falls, the adorable klutz." She's also working on the lady version of Superbad, which is tentatively called Girly Style, and which I will see as soon as humanly possible.

I went up to talk to Diablo after the Q&A like a big dorky fangirl, and guess what? Not only was she totally generous and down to earth, but she reads Jezebel!! Diablo herself was discovered and encouraged to try screenwriting after a producer read her blog. So Diablo, if you're reading this, thanks for creating subversive female leads, and we hope you create many, many more.

Diablo Cody: From Ex-Stripper To A-Lister [Entertainment Weekly]
The Pussy Ranch [Diablo Cody's Website]
Earlier:
"Cordial", "Charming" Studio Chief Explains Why Women Can't Sell Movies (Except Julia Roberts)
Women In Hollywood Speak Out On Women In Hollywood