I don't want to criticize Suzanne Somers' gloves in case they have magical medical properties that I've been brainwashed not to recognize.


Ellen Barkin evokes that perennial holiday favorite, the sexy Victorian undertaker.


Cindy Crawford: we hate to say this, but Barbie called, and she wants her casual Friday ensemble back. Cause it's Friday, and she needs it. Don't shoot the messenger.


Emma Heming's ankle bracelet matches her necklace. Don't know if this adds to or detracts from her otherwise pitch-perfect socialite getup.


Alyssa Milano's prom purse somehow makes this whole "lady in red" look. It's the holidays!


Rebecca Mader rocks the breast frame. Sequined, for festivity.


I'm imagining Ghada Irani in talks with a dressmaker. "You know what this needs? A belt. And some infanta-style panels. And let's up the sequins."


Direct your attention to Joan Collins' feet, please. You may be witnessing the birth of a bold new trend.


Selena Gomez, as always, is Disney-princess-perfect. A tad mature, maybe, but definitely textbook "Benefit."


Barbara Davis knows: if it's not broke.

[Images via Getty]

Padma Lakshmi is someone whose cosmic-joke beauty demands envelope-pushing. Like, just how much can she get away with? Well, her 70s tattered "Leather and Lace" ghost-bride is the answer to that question.


I get where Rachel Roy is coming from. Sometimes you start the "whimsical layering" and it's hard to stop. Unlike some of us, however, I presume she has a full-length mirror.


Uh oh! Kevin Bacon has been watching Felicity again...as have I!


Don't you love it when Madonna just gives in to "aging diva?" In a way, isn't that what she's been training for her entire life?


Julianne Moore has embraced the ankle-irons shoe with suspicious enthusiasm.


Judy Greer - with Lee Pace - has "not trying too hard" so down.


Olivia Palermo begs the question: is a leather tunic "timeless" or just "appropriate for a Medieval guildsman?"


Ellen Barkin has the New York bitch face down more than any other actress.


Terry Richardson and Tamara Mellon, looking exactly like themselves. Make of this what you will.


Let's face it: Colin and Livia Firth have every right to look smug.

[Images via Getty]

• Miley Cyrus will indeed be in Sex And The City 2:

The teen queen will have a scene with Kim Cattrall: Samantha Jones wants to look "hot and young" and winds up on the red carpet with Miley — wearing the same dress. Hilarious? [NY Daily News]

• Rumors that Johnny Depp will be replaced in the next Pirates of The Caribbean movie: "Completely unfounded," says a Disney spokesperson. [Mirror]
• Just yesterday, Jon Gosselin's girlfriend Hailey Glassman was on the Gosselin family website. Today? She's been deleted. [RadarOnline]
• Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom's wedding: A circus. A guest says: There were so many helicopters overhead, you couldn't hear the vows." Ok! magazine made a $250,000 deal for "exclusive" wedding pix, so when paparazzi pictures of the bride popped up on Sunday, the mag had to spend $50,000 on the shots to keep them off the market. As you may know, E! paid for the wedding, after insisting that it be held immediately so it could be on the season premiere of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. [Page Six]
• Ryan Seacrest is thinking about doing a reality show focusing on Khloe and Lamar as newlyweds. It worked out so well for Nick and Jessica! [NY Daily News]
• In other Kardashian news, Kim Kardashian is back together with Reggie Bush. Professional athletes for everyone! [NY Daily News]
• A second suspect in the Lindsay Lohan burglary has turned herself in. [NY Daily News]
• Should Kanye West go to rehab as an apology for his MTV VMA incident? Columnist Courtney Hazlett says "no, no, no." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Speaking of rehab: Amy Winehouse met a "faith healer" named Peter Hippolyte when she was in St. Lucia, and she's planning on flying him to England to help her stay off drugs and booze. Hippolyte says: "We will say prayers together and she will drink bush tea with antioxidants." [Daily Mail]
• Video: Amy Winehouse rapping. Sorta. [The Sun]
• "The timing of Roman Polanski's arrest in Switzerland on Sunday on a 31-year-old rape conviction couldn't have been better for Brett Ratner." Hours before Polanski was arrested, Ratner announced he'll be producing a sequel to Marina Zenovich's 2008 documentary, Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired. [Page Six]
• Mariah Carey says Precious director Lee Daniels helped her shed some insecurities — he made her arrive to the set without any makeup, and forced her to leave the diva act at home. "That was such a freeing experience for me… By making me look so bad he brought out the ability to never be self-conscious again, and that was a gift that he gave me." On the rumors that Mariah and Nick Cannon are trying to get pregnant, she says: "Well, we enjoy practicing." [AP]
• Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss are on the October cover of LA Confidential, and inside Jon says: "The [show] is not meant to be on while you're doing dishes, it's meant to be enjoyed and savored and focused on, and it rewards that attention…" [JustJared]
• At Teen Vogue's 7th annual Young Hollywood party, Kelly Osbourne was overheard telling a friend that she was "shocked" how short the skirts of the young party girls were. [Page Six]
• Randy and Evi Quaid are called "Hollywood's Nightmare Couple" in this extensive piece. Evi allegedly self-medicated with Demerol three times a day, snorting it so it would go right to her brain to cure her migraines. A source says: "She also … believed [Michael] Jackson was murdered along with Heath Ledger, Chris Penn, David Carradine, Natasha Richardson, and other stars who (had been) in movies with Randy." The paranoia that someone was out to get them, and that they weren't safe anywhere, lead to a string of unpaid hotel bills. [The Daily Beast]
• "The enormous sign Evi Quaid made last week — which accused her arresting officer of taking bribes — somehow caught fire this weekend…" [TMZ]
• Emma Watson was "shaken" at the Harvard/Brown football game when security guards had to protect her from gawkers. [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson is asking a judge to remove his 2006 DUI from his record, now that he has completed the terms of his 3-year probation. [TMZ]
• Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has announced that a major US film company has bought the rights to her series of children's books. She says: "The films will run as a series… America has been so good to me. I failed in Britain, and when I gave it a go in America I was ready to fail there, too — but they have really embraced me." [Daily Mail]
• Emmy Rossum, who kept her marriage a secret all year, will be officially divorced in about 180 days. Court documents reveal that she married record label exec Justin Siegel in February, and that he wants Emmy to pay his legal expenses for the divorce and give him spousal support. He's all, "That's all I ask… of youuuuuu." [E!]
• Emmy is currently dating Sideshow Bob Adam Duritz. [People]
• American Idol castoff Adam "Glambert" Lambert's CD is available for pre-order on Amazon, and is currently number 2 — ahead of Madonna and the Beatles. [NY Post]
• Darrell Hammond's name is missing from the opening credits of Saturday Night Live, and a source says: "He's interested in pursuing acting more, but he's loyal to Lorne Michaels, and Lorne will always have a place for him on SNL for as long as Darrell is willing to come back." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Barbra Streisand's new CD is nostalgic, though the recording process was not: "For the first time, she worked with jazz artist Diana Krall as producer, and did it Krall's way. She performed with Krall's quartet of musicians first, then added orchestration later, instead of her usual practice of performing with an orchestra at the outset." [AP]
• Malaysia has banned Bruno because of the gay sex scenes. According to this column, "Gay sex, or 'carnal intercourse against the order of nature,' is punishable by up to 20 years in jail and whipping in Malaysia." Their views on homosexuality suck, but as far as the film goes, they're not missing anything. [Mirror]
• Mary-Louise Parker, 45, is dating musician Charlie Mars, 35. [NY Daily News]
• Jaime Pressley and new hubby Simran Singh got into a huge fight on their wedding night, maybe because Jaime had too much to drink. [Radar Online]
• "The Inside Scoop on Starting in TV" is the story of how Lara Spencer got her start. [WSJ]
• Jon Cryer and his wife, Lisa Joyner, have adopted a baby girl. [People]
• 90210 2.0's AnnaLynne McCord actually wants to be on the cover of Cosmo. [Page Six]
• "A former aide to Danielle Steel is facing time in federal prison after admitting she stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from the romance novelist." [AP]
• Al Sharpton and actress LisaRaye: It's on. [TheYBF]
• Police officials now have the hard drive found with Ryan Jenkins when he was discovered dead in a hotel room back in August. There was no suicide note, so cops are hoping the computer will shed light on the murder of Jasmine Fiore. [TMZ]
• Whatshisname does not have an eating disorder. [The Sun]
• "In terms of the stress there's just no comparison. For me, at least, writing a novel is a great pleasure. There is stress but it's a different kind of stress: more mental than physical. In a film you're working nights and 16-hour days. Here I am saying poor me, when I've been paid pretty well for that work, but it's a fact. It doesn't matter how much you're being paid. At my age I just feel I don't want to do that any longer. So, the writing is really a godsend." — Gene Hackman, who has quit acting for writing, He and Daniel Lenihan have written three works of fiction, and their latest, Escape From Andersonville, is a Civil War adventure. [The Daily Beast]
• "I am enrolling in Berklee College in Boston to get my bachelor's degree in music! That's how important education is to me. I plan to work with Rev. Al Sharpton because that's how important stressing the importance of education to children is to me." — Wyclef Jean. [BV Buzz]
• "I wasn't nervous because I'd got my body and mind into shape for it. My aim is to become an iconic sex symbol and the Playboy shoot is the first step. I wanted to be toned and curvaceous with a nice butt–I didn't want to lose weight and look skinny." — Heidi Montag on her Playboy shoot. She also says: "I'm a C cup but I want to upgrade to a DD cup. I have a curvy butt now and bigger boobs will enhance my shape." [Prz]
• "Seriously, I feel exactly the same now turning 50 as I did when I was 40 or 30. I am enjoying myself. I happen to think that I am just extraordinarily lucky. I am doing something that I am passionate about and that I enjoy doing. There are a couple of charities I am involved with that would appreciate a donation. But please, no presents from anyone." — Simon Cowell turns 50 tomorrow and will throw a big party this weekend. [Telegraph]
• "We're having Gore Vidal on. Larry David is booked. Those two are favorites of mine. And the usual suspects: Ann Coulter. Susie [Essman] will be on. Barbara [Walters] might be on the first week because she's the queen. Alec Baldwin- I can't get him on the phone. I saw him recently at a U.N. function. He's the funniest. He trusts me because I'm not out to get him. I'm not. Last time I interviewed him, his daughter was there and they were really close." — Joy Behar on her new HLN show, which starts tonight at 9pm. [USA Today]
• "She speaks like this weird white-person ebonics. She has this weird language. She doesn't technically read. But it's OK; she doesn't have to." — Kathy Griffin on Paris Hilton. [Page Six]
• "Come on over and see me after you finish." — Ellen Barkin to Matt Damon. [Page Six]
• "With ratings falling, this might be the last season of Jon & Kate Plus 8. I'm not sure yet." — Kate Gosselin, on her Facebook page. [NY Post]

[New York, June 28. Image via Flynet]

• Alan Cumming thinks that our new President, Barack Obama, has a large, ahem, unit:

"I think great leaders, charismatic leaders and men who are so confident and who have achieved so much, usually have big penises,” Cumming tells New York. "I think there’s a correlation between the level of confidence, the level of the way a man can hold a room and the way he conducts himself in life, with his penis size — with his comfort with his penis size. So much of male psyche is taken up with how big your cock is; it’s a huge deal in our lives, and so when you’re confident about your penis size, it shows. Well, just look at [Obama]. Just the way he’s so kind of elegant and very confident in his body and himself. Also, someone told me that they worked out with him in a gym in Chicago, and it was big." [NY Mag]

• Naomi Watts talks about her ex-boyfriend Heath Ledger in Parade magazine: "When I got to the set and did that first scene with him, I was like, ‘Wow! This guy is alive.’ It was just something deep in his eyes. You could look into them, and they would tell a thousand stories in one glance. There was a wonderful mixture of power and fragility at work in everything he did, which just pulls you in. His strength didn’t scare you. It intrigued you. And his fragility touched you." [MSNBC]
• Jessica Simpson performed yesterday in Charlottesville, Virginia, and referred to the kerfluffle over her body: "Thank you for your support," she told the crowd. "Stay positive, and pray out loud! Please remember, no matter what you go through in life, somebody else might have it harder. So just appreciate. I feel like in our world today we focus on so many things that are completely pointless." Word. [People]
• Do what you must to prepare yourself: Madonna and her kids are moving to the U.S. [The Sun]
• And! Her Madgesty will add another leg to her Sticky & Sweet tour, heading to the U.K. and Europe this summer. [Reuters]
• Renee Zellweger was not a VIP at Barack Obama's inauguration  by choice. "I wanted to be part of it and not in a celebrity way, where you're ushered into your safe place," she says. She listened to the ceremony from a barricade on First Street, next to a blind lady. [USA Today]
• £15,000 worth of stuff was stolen from Amy Winehouse's home  flat screen TV, guitars, recording equipment. Amy is still in the Caribbean, but is said to be "devastated." A source says: "Some of the guitars are irreplaceable due to their sentimental value." Hopefully they stole her crack pipe. [The Sun]
• So you know how a stage manager stole from the fashion closet of Lipstick Jungle? He also robbed Brooke Shields! "[He's] the same guy who stole my wallet out of my dressing room last season, right out of my purse!” Shields says. "He’s not very bright, because the purse was worth more than the wallet." [Gatecrasher]
• Traders on the Hollywood Stock Exchange are betting on Sex And The City 2. [WSJ]
• Anna Faris is engaged to actor Chris Pratt, who was on Everwood and The OC and currently plays Anne Hathaway's fiance in Bride Wars. Good luck, kids! [Us]
• Director Danny Boyle and producer Christian Colson have issued a statement denying that Slumdog Millionaire exploited two child actors: "Boyle and Colson said the kids were enrolled in school for the first time after filming, and a fund had been set up to cover their education, as well as their basic living costs, health care and any emergencies. If the children stay in school until they are 18, they will receive another lump sum." [Variety]
• In this interview, a man whose 7-year-old daughter appears in Slumdog says the filmmakers "are taking complete care of my child." "Whatever a parent could have done, they have done much more than that." [AP]
• Ugh, more Slumdog problems: In Mumbai, the flick is not exactly drawing people to the cineplexes, because people don't understand the title and rampant piracy means some have already seen it on DVD. [Reuters]
• Faith Hill is glad that Jennifer Hudson will sing at the Super Bowl: "I believe to come and perform the national anthem, which is this country's favourite song, at a time that our country is stepping up and moving forward for future generations - I think it's just the perfect choice." [The Star]
• Why did Bruce Springsteen  after being asked several times  finally agree to play the Super Bowl half-time show? "It was sort of, well, if we don’t do it now, what are we waiting for? I want to do it while I’m alive." [NY Times]
• Very unlikely duo Bob Dylan and will.i.am will both appear in a Pepsi commercial during the Super Bowl. How does it feel? To be on your own, like a black-eyed pea? [Reuters]
• Penelope Cruz says that Woody Allen is not sleazy, and only makes pervy comments to make people laugh: "On set he would say something completely wild and I would say, 'I can't believe those words came out of your mouth!'" Allen, she says, is "very peculiar – but I love him." [Guardian]
• Tom Cruise's flick, Valkyrie, was beaten at the box office in Germany by Twilight; and in England, Slumdog Millionaire crushed the Nazi flick. Valkyrie cost between $90 and $100 million to make and $50 to $60 mil to promote, but has grossed only about $83 million in the U.S. Not bad, but not the comeback Cruise was hoping for at his new studio. [Fox 411]
• James Brown's family will go to court today, hoping for a settlement regarding the late singer's estate, after two years of drama. [USA Today]
• Khloe Kardashian and Rashad McCants of the Minnesota Timberwolves have broken up. Khloe writes on her blog: "Relationships are hard enough as is when you live in the same city, and he's in a different city everyday for games." [Khloe Kardashian]
• Lil Wayne had to remove a song, Playing With Fire, from his hit album, That Carter III, due to a copyright suit: The track had melody and lyrics from the Rolling Stones' tune, "Play With Fire." If you go to iTunes, the song will have vanished. [WSJ]
• ABC has picked up a comedy, Let It Go, starring Lauren Graham, in which she plays a talkshow host who is dumped by her boyfriend and can't follow her own advice of "letting go." [Variety]
• Mike McCready from Pearl Jam, who suffers from Crohn's disease, is lobbying Washington state lawmakers to give people with gastrointestinal disorders more bathroom access. [AP]
• If you have $5.2 million, you can buy the former home of John Edwards and his glossy hair. [WSJ]
• More proof that the '90s are back: Jane's Addiction is planning a spring tour. [Gatecrasher]
• And more proof the '90s are back: House Of Style will return to MTV! Possibly with Bar Refaeli or Chanel Iman as host. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which baseball heartthrob may be playing for the other team? He secretly slides into bed with Florida fellas." [Gatecrasher]
• Is Ellen Barkin's new TV show  in which she plays a woman "famous for her high-profile marriage, who divorces and re-enters the single market" kinda like her actual life? [Page Six]
• Did Eliza Dushku brag about killing deer, elk and other animals? Apparently she said it was okay for her to hunt because she eats what she kills. Guess who's pissed? PETA. [Page Six]
• Jessica Alba has a bow tattooed above her crack. [The Life Files]
• "With the internet you can fight back. If someone has written something unjust, wrong or has offended me, or offended a friend, then that’s it. The other day Perez Hilton wrote that I was a lazy arse and I should give up on my record. Today, my single is No1 in the midweeks and I am on tour, working really, really hard. And his job is sitting at a computer all day. How can he call me lazy?!"  Lily Allen. [The Sun]
• "Being a nun now makes total sense. I wouldn't do it for Jesus - I would do it to see tabloid gossip people have zero to write about. 'She prays all fucking day - what are we going to write about now?' "  Lily Allen to Spin. [Page Six]
• "I used to pester my mother to have another baby when my father was still alive. She ended up having an eight hour operation to unblock her tubes and things like that. The operation was a success but my father died while she was having it, so it was really ironic, terrible timing."  Kate Beckinsale. [Daily Express]
• "We're planning a home birth, but it might be a Grammy birth! Eating a hot curry could make me go into labor, so imagine what getting on stage with Jay-Z, Lil Wayne and T.I. would do. Everyone's been very understanding."  M.I.A., who has been nominated for a Grammy and an Oscar, but is due the night before the Grammys. [WSJ]
• "If I'm not coming up with something I get very upset and start questioning it all. 'I can't get it out. I'm not worthy of the money I'm getting paid. There are people who are so much better.' I really beat myself up."  Lily Allen, on her writer's block. [WSJ]
• "I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances (in The Wrestler) might suffer because of all of these distractions. I'm not attracted to him, he's too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will."  Evan Rachel Wood, on the rumors she was making out with Mickey Rourke after the SAG awards. [MSNBC]
• "I have a crush on Jimmy Carter. I admit it. He has an extraordinary mind. He's an exceptional human being. And he writes poetry, for crying out loud. He's all good things."  Renee Zellweger. [USA Today]
• "I’VE MADE SOME GOOD CHOICES AND SOME MISTAKES… I’VE BEEN LOVED AND HATED…. I’VE BEEN HAILED AND RIDICULED… I’VE BEEN INVITED TO SHOWS AND AS USUAL ASKED NOT TO COME… I’VE BEEN ATTACKED FOR BEING ME… FOR BEING BRIGHT RED IN A GREY WORLD…. I AM NUCLEAR ENERGY."  Kanye West, in an email to Rolling Stone. [Rolling Stone]

• Kim Kardashian on Jessica Simpson's body: "Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture, I was like, 'Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!'" Kim continues:

"I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous. I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there's nothing wrong it. When I saw that picture, I knew everyone was going to say something. And I thought, 'You know what? Leave Jessica alone!' She's fabulous, she's a really sweet girl, and I admire her for putting up with it." [People]

• Joaquin Phoenix's rap career: Not a hoax. Says his publicist. "He intends on exploring his musical interests despite speculative, negative or positive reactions." Sure, sure. [Mirror]
• Patrick Swayze has reportedly given up all medical treatment after doctors told him there was nothing more they could do for him. A source says: "The goal now is to keep Patrick comfortable… He's still losing weight and he's very weak." [Daily Mail]
• A stuntman who doubles for Daniel Radcliffe is paralyzed after suffering a serious injury on the set of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. [Daily Mail]
• Jake Gyllenhaal was "fidgety" at the courthouse in downtown L.A., where he was being considered as a potential juror. That's right: Jake might get jury duty! [E!]
• Michael Lohan is pleading for the public to "PLEASE HELP!!!" his daughter Lindsay: "I am asking everyone out there to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life,” he posted on his blog. "Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life." [MSNBC]
• Meanwhile, Mark Ronson hung out with Lady GaGa in London last night. Ronson wore a black overcoat and skinny jeans; Ms. GaGa wore a rubber bra and skirt. [Daily Mail]
• Scarlett Johansson on her marriage to Ryan Reynolds: "I never had any preconceived notions of marriage or anything like that. I never really thought about it that much. My parents were divorced when I was 13, so I never had an idea of what a marriage should be, would be or could be. I was never in a hurry, I just figured someday I would get married, I guess. I am really in love with love. I’m a lover, not a fighter. I’m a real lov-vah." [Mirror]
• Thank GOB: The Arrested Development movie is on! [Gatecrasher]
• Brad Pitt wears that newsboy cap a lot. [NY Daily News]
• David Beckham loves it when his fellow AC Milan players pat his bottom: "I hadn’t even realised Clarence [Seedorf] had touched my backside but I’ll be happy if he does it again — because it will mean I’ve scored another goal. So he’s formally got my permission to touch it again." [The Sun]
• Miley Cyrus performed for Sasha and Malia Obama and seems blasé: "They were taking pictures like every other fan – they were really cool and appreciative of me being there. I really liked that." Yes, dear, it's all about what you like. [Perez]
• Mickey Rourke will not wrestle WWE superstar Chris Jerico at Wrestlemania, even though he said he would before the SAG awards. Apparently someone told him that acting is not being. [AP]
• Put a fork in Audrina and JustinBobby, because they are DONE: "I keep reading on blogs that I'm cheating on Justin, and we're not even together anymore!" Audrina told Us Weekly. "The last time I saw him was at The Hills finale in New York in December." [Perez]
• American Idol contestant Joanna Pacitti was in the 1996 cast of Annie, had a deal with A&M records, released an album and was on a reality show. So should she be on AI? Producer Ken Warwick says yes: "The question isn't 'have you ever had a deal' it’s 'do you have one now.' If the answer is no, then you can compete. If you were already a professional, you wouldn’t be auditioning, after all." [MSNBC]
• By the by: Paula Abdul stormed off the set of American Idol, saying: "Okay, I guess my opinion doesn't matter." A teenage contestant encouraged her to go back inside. [The Star]
• The fifth Twilight book was leaked online, and author Stephenie Meyer is "too sad about what happened" to continue writing the story. Shimmery vampire fans, insert your own "that bites" pun here. [Gatecrasher]
• Kelly Osbourne went back to rehab because her London lifestyle is "very bad for her," a source says. "It's a very party atmosphere there." Hmm, in rehab they will probably teach you not to blame the city! [People]
• Are Patricia Arquette and Thomas Jane reconciling? They filed for divorce last month, but are hosting a party together next week. Work it out! [E!]
• U2 had so much fun recording their album at Olympic Studios that they're thinking about buying the facility. [The Sun]
• Blind item! "Which cheesy reality star goes on $30K shopping sprees and returns all items the next day when she realizes she can’t actually afford them?" [Gatecrasher]
• Picture this: Liam Neeson as Abraham Lincoln, in a film project by Steven Spielberg. Epic, no? [Mirror]
• Kylie Minogue was at the Jean Paul Gaultier show in Pairs yesterday, talking about how she's going to jet to India do a musical number in a Bollywood film. [WWD]
• Does Kate Hudson look a wee sloppy on the cover of InStyle UK? [The Life Files]
• Ellen Barkin will star and executive produce an untitled HBO drama, her first TV series. Barkin's character is a woman "famous for her high-profile marriage who divorces and re-enters the singles market and finds herself developing a close, platonic bond with the 24-year-old son of her ex-husband." Please don't let it be called Cougar. [Variety]
• Joan Rivers has two new books: one is a plastic surgery tell-all called Men Are Stupid… And They Like Big Boobs and the other is a murder mystery titled Murder At the Academy Awards. What do they have in common? Rivers says "101%" of the people who walk the red carpets of Hollywood have had work done. [USA Today]
• John Cleese is no longer returning text messages from his 27-yet-45 year old girlfriend Barbie Orr. It's over! [Daily Mail]
• What the world needs now: A Marie Osmond talk show. [Mediaweek]
• Julian Lennon and Sean Lennon, whose families feuded in the past, will perform together in public at a United Nations event. Come together, right now… [Fox 411]
• Everyone in the small Swiss town of Kallnach knows Marilyn Manson, absinthe connoisseur, because they manufacture his "Mansinthe" there. [IHT]
• Random people on the street have been yelling at this Prince Harry lookalike ever since Prince Harry's breakup, making the lookalike's life a living hell. Gingers never get a break. [The Sun]
• The lookalike is in hiding, btw. [Telegraph]
• If you are interested in T.I.'s pubes, by all means, click the link at the end of this sentence. [The Life Files]
• "Now guys are really nice when they’re breaking up with me because they don’t want to end up on a song."  Lily Allen. [The Sun]
• "We always thought we were doing something different, first of all, in having a show about a girl, because that wasn't happening at the time. You were usually the bimbo or the nerd, those were your main choices in the early '90s. So what we tried to do was create a show about a girl who was neither, and who was both. She was popular at school, and she was hip, but she was also bright, and she had other interests. We tried to create an experience that was common to a lot of girls, which is that you're both of those things at once, and that was huge for a lot of people. And we weren't doing Shakespeare, but we were absolutely dealing with issues that other shows were not."  Mayim Bialik on Blossom, which is finally being released on DVD. [Onion AV Club]
• "The only reason I have lost weight is because I comfort eat when I'm not very happy. The last two years, even though I had a lot of success with my first record, I was … getting so drunk. I was on tour with people I didn't know, and I was all around the world working really hard and was really confused and lonely."  Lily Allen, to The Sun. [People]
• I don’t feel sexy, not right now. I think there is kind of an ingenue thing that women play when they are in their 20s. They are sort of these whimsical, sort of transient characters, and it’s like that in life. Women in their 30s, and actors in their 30s, suddenly take on far meatier roles. They are playing mothers and wives and women who have been through a life – before the place that they are at that moment. And I look forward to that time when I’ll be able to have more of a life that I have experienced to put into the roles."  Scarlett Johansson. [Mirror]
• "My industry is magazine publishing. Pornography? That isn't my industry. If you call sexual images pornography, then they are negative. If you call those same images erotic, they are positive. I'm not an active feminist. I'm an active humanist. I separated ways from feminism when it became antisexual. I believe embracing sexuality is part of what it means to be free."  Hugh Hefner. [Time]
• "It seems to the outside world that I've always had a job but I have not. Every four months when a film finishes there's a big chasm all the time and you're trying to figure out what will come next. Sometimes there are interesting projects that come around that I put a lot of energy into and sometimes I don't. My mother would always say to me 'How can you live like this? How can you not know next year what you're doing?' I think that's part of what makes actors able to destabilize themselves to a point where they can take on another persona because they always imploding."  Meryl Streep. [Mirror]

[New York, October 14. Image via Splash.]

The Good:
Christy Turlington glows in a red dress in an unexpected silhouette.
Emily Mortimer went a little gladiator for the superhero theme.
Stella McCartney and Kate Moss shine perfectly.
Camilla Belle looks wrapped in clouds.
If I were Christina Ricci, I would never ever ever take this dress off. Ever. It is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Love. Speechless. Sigh.
Diane Kruger looks a little bit like the Tin Man, but I love that she went for a short dress. Also, love love the shoes.
Iman. Always perfect. What else is new?
Kate Mara! Yellow! Yes! Yes!
Tom Cruise looks weirder than normal, but Katie Holmes looks fantastic, which of course I hate to say. But there's no denying all that red.
Dear Mischa Barton: Strip and give me that dress right now. Kthanxbai.
Please God let my face age like Natasha Richardson's.
Rachel Bilson looks like a total freak and I love. Clearly, she mistook "superheroes" to mean "Morticia Addams."
ScarJo is simultaneously old school and somewhat infantalized in her D&G but she looks hot, so good for her.
I still am not entirely sure who Taylor Swift is, but I like her chainmail-esque dress.
Sorry, you just can't hate on Victoria Beckham.
Emmy Rossum is a head-turner in this black-and-white floral frock.
Claudia Schiffer's dress is downright ethereal. Valentino is downright orange.
Ellen Barkin manages to always play it classy.
Jessica Stam is sorta a bad ass!
Michelle Trachtenberg? Or Liza at Studio 54?
Molly Sims must know my weakness for the color yellow.
Call me a crazy motherfucker, but Wendi Deng looks incredible.
Almost-goth Amanda Peet is fabulous.
Um, I love that Amber Valetta's dress has wings.
I totally heart you and your kick-ass black dress Ashley Olsen.
Can we discuss how awesome it is that Barbara Walters is there with Charlie Rose?
Claire Danes is sorta channeling Angela here, no?
This is seriously the best I have ever seen Fergie look.
Yeah, same for Hilary Duff.
Lake Bell went for it.
Lauren Bush is one class act in royal purple.
Margherita Missoni: Crazy-awesome.
Michelle Monahagan should only ever wear copper. Wow.
Paula Patton: Pretty.
Sofia's shiny drop-waisted number is delightful.
Tilda Swinton? Or Mr. Roboto?
Vera Wang and Karolina Kurkova play their metallics en suite.
Be my flamenco dancer, Ingrid van der Bosch.
Maggie Gyllenhaal knows you gotta go big or go home.
Venus Williams is a beacon of light.
Be still my heart, Zoe Kravitz-as-a-Clara Bow.
Bee Shaffer's dress is phenomenal. But why is Andre Leon Talley relegated to straightening her train?!

[Images via Getty.]

[New York, April 3. Image via Splash.]

• Hilary Swank in the January issue of W magazine: "I just took my most important [pills], which are my Oz Garcia Longevity Pak. I shoved them in my mouth right before I met you, which I actually shouldn't do, because I choked on my vitamins once before." [W]
  
• Has Vogue's Anna Wintour really had her lips injected and her eyes lifted.? If one of you can confirm this for us, we'll buy you a dozen cupcakes. Or a colonic, if you're a Conde Nasty and that's more your thing. [NY Post]
  
• A tipster tells us that this year, Conde Nast staffers are receiving "very big, engraved" umbrellas as their Christmas bonuses. "Engraved"? With what? Wintour's new lips? Anyone have a pic?

• Diane von Furstenberg is to China as Tom Ford is to Russia. Says DVF, ""I am totally impressed and excited  totally impressed. I haven't ever been this impressed about anything  to witness what they are building in Beijing  from the Opera House to Rem Koolhaas' TV tower and the Aquatic Center and the Bird's Nest  it's like nothing I have ever seen before... It's like being in ancient Egypt during the time of the pharaohs  this is something that happens every two millennia." Really, Diane, don't hold back! [WWD, sub req'd]
• Fashion goes Bolshevik! England's models are unionizing, but because they're too lazy to start their own union, they're just joining the British Actors Equity instead. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Giorgio Armani on picking David Beckham to be the face of Emporio Armani underwear: "He represents a notion of modern masculinity: as a sports hero, husband and father. He is also a man with a great sense of style. There was a time when soccer players were not always considered to be fashion role models. David Beckham has helped to change that." Bonus: He has a big package! [Vogue UK]
• Wha? Versace chocolate? You just know that shit is laced with coke. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Calvin Klein Inc., in an attempt to pinch pennies, is going to start to once again create its designer ready-to-wear line collection in-house. Yes, that's right: If you've been buying any schmancy Calvin you saw on the runway it was like made in some factory God knows where. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Tom Ford's former Gucci boss on what it was like working with Ford: "He'd lost touch with the ground. He had no experience of management on this scale." Ford's response: "Serge was a fish out of water at Gucci Group, as he had absolutely no experience in the fashion or luxury-goods sector. He is a nice guy, but had no understanding whatsoever of our business. He was a bit surprised, I think, when I challenged his knowledge of things, which I often did." God, we love a good male-on-male fashion catfight! [Vogue UK]
• Ellen Barkin ex Ron Perelman is shuffling money from his company MacAndrews & Forbes Holdings Inc. to Revlon, another of his holdings. Is this legal? Also, does this mean that Halle Berry is no longer getting free lipstick? [WSJ]
• Moschino is being rebranded as Love Moschino. Does anyone care? [Sassybella]
• You can now buy your Prada on-line from Prada! Ooh, how meta. [WWD, sub req'd]

[New York, November 6. Images via Splash.]

• Jude Law was arrested for allegedly assaulting a photographer outside his home in West London. [The Sun]
  
• Is Chelsy Davy moving to London to be near boyfriend Prince Harry? Also, y so many ys? [The Sun]
  
• Britney's bodyguard has been formally charged with battery after last month's scuffle with paparazzi in Las Vegas. [Extra]
  
• Halle Berry, 41, confirms she is 3 months pregnant by her boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, 32. Anyone want to volunteer to babysit? [People]
  
• Did Tommy Lee have sex on a banquette in the Hamptons? Maybe it would be news if he didn't.[Page Six]
  
• "We would drive around and listen to [David Bowie's album] Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars while enjoying a little marijuana." So says the guy who dated Madonna when she was 14  just one of many stories uncovered by a biographer. [The Independent]
  
• Was Nicole Kidman secretly engaged to Lenny Kravitz at one point? [Page Six]

• Jamie Foxx, elevator diva! [Page Six]
• Zach Braff is now subjecting actress Shiri Appleby to his "charms." Bonus: she's Jewish! [Page Six]
• Newsflash! Criss Angel, of Mindfreak fame, is just a "press whore" who is "using" Britney for publicity  he's not even helping her with her MTV VMA performance. [Page Six]
• Ellen Barkin teases paparazzi. [Page Six]
• Owen Wilson's family doesn't want Kate Hudson anywhere near him. Ouch. [Gatecrasher]
• Katie Couric called a New York restaurant to have food delivered to her daughters  she made the call from Iraq. [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger: "very cozy" ???? [Rush & Molloy, 3rd item]
• Drew Barrymore and "Hi, I'm a Mac" actor Justin Long: lip-locking? What about Spike Jonze? [Rush & Molloy, 4th item]
• Shaquille O'Neal has filed for divorce. He makes $20 million annually in his contract with the Heat and more in endorsements. He and his wife, Shaunie, are the parents of six children. [USA Today]
• Kate Moss has a new boyfriend, Jamie Hince from "uber-trendy" band The Kills. [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse performed at the Mercury Music awards! She sang "Love Is A Losing Game." [Telegraph]
• Amy also told a newspaper why rehab doesn't work for her: "I'm of the school of thought where, if you can't sort something out for yourself, no one can help you." Yikes, okay. She also said, "Normal people spend time thinking, 'What am I going to do with my life?' I spend my time drinking." [Mirror]

[New York, August 4. Image via Splash]

• More info on Ellen Barkin's lawsuit against her ex-husband, billionaire Ron Perelman. Apparently her partner in the film production company Perelman was supposed to be financing is Barkin's brother, George, a former editor of marijuana-obsessed magazine High Times. $3.4 million buys a lot of weed, yo. [PageSIx]
  
• Cosmopolitan's Style & Beauty says "guyliner" is out. "The only kind of pencil a man should wield is the writing kind." Sorry, Pete Wentz! [PageSix]
  
• The covers of Life &Style and Us Weekly were so similar this week that Us's editor-in-chief, Janice Min, is "irked." An Us spokesperson called L&S "a poor imitation." There's totally going to be a fight after school!
  
• A spy says Paula Abdul passes out while she's having her hair and makeup done. Wouldn't you? [PageSix]
  
• A studio exec says of Lindsay Lohan's career: "I think she's done." The guy who conducts interventions on addicts for the A&E series Intervention adds: "I predict it's only going to get worse." Oh, man. Well, we'll be watching. [EntertainmentWeekly]

• Sean Penn and Venezuela's rabblerouser Hugo Chavez talked on the phone and then met in Caracas yesterday. New BFFs? [PageSix]
• Louis Vuitton will no longer loan Lindsay Lohan clothes, because she took too much from her photoshoot with Elle. This is not really surprising. [ PageSix]
• Oscar-nominated actress Michelle Williams' father, who was arrested for tax evasion in Sydney in 2006, has lost his court battle to prevent US authorities extraditing him from Australia. The IRS claims he owes more than $1.5 million in taxes. We can't make a joke, because the IRS scares us. [Yahoo!News]
• When Nicole Richie goes to jail, she'll be in the same place Paris Hilton did time. That's hot! [TMZ]
• Poor Madonna! Some old love letters and explicit Polaroids might become public at the same time the head of Malawi's child welfare services spends a week with Madge and her family to assess whether they're fit to adopt baby David permanently. We have a feeling that once the child welfare dude sees the Material Girl's wealthy lifestyle, he will ask to be adopted as well. That's what we would do. [DailyMail]
• Have you seen the video where Tim McGraw's ring gets taken? [YouTube]
• Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown and Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole had lunch at Beverly Hills hotspot The Ivy. That Scary: Crazy like a fox! [People]
• Beyoncé is the new face of American Express. But that doesn't mean you can charge what ever you want and she'll pay the bill. [OK!]
• If you've dreamed of sailing the ocean with John Mayer, you now have your chance: It's called the Mayercraft Carrier, and it's a three-day cruise hosted by John Mayer. This is not a joke. [MayercraftCarrier, via OhNoTheyDidn't]
• Single? No problem! Flavor of Love 3 is now casting. [DListed]

• Toxic bachelors with toxic butts! Whereas George Clooney gets the runs when visiting Africa, Justin Timberlake gets major gas when in Europe. Poor Jessica Biel. [TheSun]
  
• Ellen Barkin is really slumming it. The actress is hooking up with professional scumbag and emosogynist Ralph Fiennes. [Page Six]
  
• Oh man: How we would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when Mary Kate & Ashley professed their love for Bob Dylan to his face. [Rush & Molloy, 3rd item]

• Knocked Up's Katherine Heigl is getting married this December. [Rush & Molloy, 10th item]
• Shocker! A married male movie star is hitting on other women! [Gatecrasher, 6th item]
• PETA calls Sicko director Michael Moore a hypocrite because he eats meat. [Scoop]
• Paris Hilton's trash is up for sale on Ebay... and no one's buying. [USAToday]

• We find it hard to believe that Angelina Jolie is in any way threatened by her man Brad's ex, but a source tells 'Page Six' that that's precisely the case, making Angelina, sadly, a little more like us mere mortals. [PageSix]
  
• Christina Aguilera is expecting a baby. Think she'll wear her
  full-on face paint to the birthing room? [PageSix]
  
• Madonna has finally gotten the message: No one wants to watch her in
  movies. Who says people don't get wiser with age? [NYPost, 6th item]
  
• Paris Hilton once said she's only had sex with two people. And apparently Jack Osbourne was one of them. [TheSun]
  
• Oh wait, Age of Love star / tennis pro Mark Philippoussis has had sex with Paris too! [SkyNews]
  
• Nicole Richie has won a 2-week postponement for her trial on drunk
  driving charges, probably in the hopes that her baby bump/distended belly is
  clearly visible to a sympathetic judge. [Reuters]

• How best to declare budding affection for Uma Thurman? By stroking her hair in public, of course. [Gatecrasher]
• Peter Cook and Christie Brinley continue to hash it out regarding custody of their children. [Rush & Molloy]
• Liv Tyler wants plastic surgery, and fast, because having a baby made her body all fat and ugly and shit, yo! They so did not mention that in Lamaze class! [People]
• Speaking of, Drea de Matteo is already bitching about how fat she feels while pregnant. [People]
• Scott Baio to star in dating reality show, a la The Flavor of Love, on VH1. Ew. [TMZ]
• Oh Isaiah Washington! Stop! Stop! You are NOT Malcolm X! [SFGate]
• Ellen Barkin? Pot calling kettle black. [DailyMir ror]

• The NY Daily News pines for the days of Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, the lone solid Timberlake figure of Lindsay Lohan's turbulent love life. Of course, the two dated the eternity that was an entire two months. [Daily News]
  
• Kelly Clarkson is winning the media war with crusty old record-label honcho Clive Davis. [Page Six]
  
• Part-time actress/gold-digger and Scarlett Johansson underminer Ellen Barkin "borrowed" some jewelry during Cannes and made everyone a little nervous. [Page Six]
  
• Marky Mark's old bodyguard thinks Entourage is racist for its lack of black bodyguard characters. We think he could have made a better case if he were criticizing a show in which all the white characters did not so obviously wish they were black. [Page Six]

• Paris Hilton gets nixed from a book of heiresses; the book's editor explains thusly: "She's tried to play society like a game of Three-card Monte." Oh yeah, and she hasn't succeeded at playing anyone, anyone at all! Fucking losers. [Page Six]
• Speaking of Paris, her ex-fiance (also named Paris!) is apparently a movie producer as well as a Greek shipping heir. He's also smart, having dropped Lindsay Lohan from a film because he couldn't afford the insurance on her. [NY Observer]
• Wilmer Valderrama is to record an album with K-Fed. If Shar Jackson and Jason Alexander ever get married (we mean, presuming they haven't already!) you know their wedding song is on there. [Gatecrasher]
• Another day, another mournful starlet blog entry from Britney Spears: "I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. " Silly Britney, those were tears of ecstasy because getting fat and then getting thin again the whole time saying she's okay with being fat is, like, the smartest thing Tyra has ever done for her career. [Britney Spears]