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Continuing Outreach to Female Voters, Donald Trump Calls Megyn Kelly 'Crazy' Over and Over

Donald Trump, a carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine, has a slight polling problem with about half of the female voting public, who have a “very unfavorable” view of him. Who could possibly guess why? Anywho, unrelated, Trump has a new moniker for Fox anchor and non-Trump fan Megyn Kelly:

This Election Season, Would You Rather Someone Pooped In Your Mouth or Your Eyes?

So, here’s the situation: you’re going to get poop on you. The reasons why aren’t important, not for the purposes of this hypothetical, just: there’s going to be shit—people shit—either in your mouth or your eyes. Someone’s going to put it there. Which do you choose? How come? Is there a self-evidently better choice…

'Vote Trump' Billboard in Chicago Goes Up For Two Days, Is Vandalized Twice 

A billboard suggesting “Vote Trump” survived for two days on Chicago’s West Side, before being replaced first with pro-Bernie graffiti, then with a beautifully drawn alternate recommendation to “Fuck Trump.” The candidate, an animate scarecrow stuffed with the finest manure, is scheduled to speak at University of…

Ted Cruz Calls Planned Parenthood A 'Criminal Enterprise,' Says He'd Pardon Sting Video Maker

At a Fox News town hall last night, Ted Cruz merrily described Planned Parenthood as a “national criminal enterprise committing multiple felonies,” and said if elected, he would pardon David Daleiden, recently indicted on felony charges for those anti-Planned Parenthood sting videos he made.

Donald Trump Wishes Out Loud That He Could Punch a Protestor in the Face, Crowd Cheers 

Andrew Dice Clay impersonator Donald Trump was in Las Vegas Monday night, continuing to give America the presidential candidate we deserve. As a protester was escorted out, Trump told the crowd that in the “old days” he would’ve been “carried out on a stretcher,” adding that he wished he could punch the guy in the…

Bernie Sanders: I'm Not Saying 'Let’s Stand Together, Vote for a Man' 

God help us and keep us and beam us out of here on a giant spaceship: Bernie Sanders has weighed in on Killer Mike and #uterusgate and now we’re going to have to fight about it some more. At a Sanders rally a few days ago, Mike quoted a feminist scholar saying “A uterus doesn’t qualify you to be president.” Sanders…

Someone Tell Pro-Life Champion Donald Trump He Already Missed the Anniversary of Roe v. Wade

One endearing thing about undead tangerine and presidential candidate Donald Trump is what a bad liar he is. Take his insistence that he’s now super anti-abortion, after years of being pro-choice: it just sounds like bullshit. Trump took to Facebook Tuesday night to insist again that he hates abortion and loves…

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Talking to Chirlane McCray About Mental Health, Voting for Hillary, and Closing Rikers

Since the moment New York Mayor Bill de Blasio took office in 2014, his wife Chirlane McCray has been the object of fascination, controversy, praise, and hundreds of weird tabloid stories. This week, she talked with Jezebel about her ambitious plan to revamp New York City’s mental health services, her support for…

Here's Your Open Thread to Fight About Killer Mike Saying a Uterus 'Doesn't Qualify You to Be President'

Today in things the Internet is arguing about, Killer Mike, rapper and Bernie Sanders mega-supporter, is fielding lots of criticism for quoting a feminist scholar who he says told him, “A uterus doesn’t qualify you to be president of the United States. You have to have policy that’s reflective of social justice.”…

George W. Bush: I Know Jeb Would Be a Good President Since 'I Were One'

George W. Bush is out on the campaign trail stumping for Jeb, a development that definitely does not give us chilling flashbacks and stress diarrhea. Last night they went on Fox News together, where Sean Hannity beamed at them with delight and W. joyfully mangled the English language as though not a single day had…

Trump Voters in South Carolina Want to Ban Both Muslims and Gays From Entering the Country 

The traveling cavalcade of bullshit known as primary season moved to South Carolina this week, where Trump voters continue to come up with new reasons for the rest of us to say we’re Canadian when traveling abroad. This time: a new poll shows that 31% of them would back a ban on homosexuals entering the United States.