John Kasich appeared on CNN’s State of the Union Sunday, where he continued to insist that there’s definitely a good chance he could be president. There’s a quote here about confidence and mediocre white men. We’ll think of it.
Donald Trump, a carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine, has a slight polling problem with about half of the female voting public, who have a “very unfavorable” view of him. Who could possibly guess why? Anywho, unrelated, Trump has a new moniker for Fox anchor and non-Trump fan Megyn Kelly:
It’s lonely being Ted Cruz, a middle-aged vampire sent to vacation Bible school and then the deep-discount rack at Men’s Wearhouse in quick succession. But today is an exciting day for Cruz, who today has made his second true friend. Everyone say hi to Ted’s new friend, Utah Senator Mike Lee!
So, here’s the situation: you’re going to get poop on you. The reasons why aren’t important, not for the purposes of this hypothetical, just: there’s going to be shit—people shit—either in your mouth or your eyes. Someone’s going to put it there. Which do you choose? How come? Is there a self-evidently better choice…
Carly Fiorina, a moderately bad person who dropped out of the Republican presidential race in early February, announced Wednesday that she’s endorsing Ted Cruz, who is probably not the Zodiac Killer. What a match made in whatever afterlife you go to when you make a lot of compromises in life!
A billboard suggesting “Vote Trump” survived for two days on Chicago’s West Side, before being replaced first with pro-Bernie graffiti, then with a beautifully drawn alternate recommendation to “Fuck Trump.” The candidate, an animate scarecrow stuffed with the finest manure, is scheduled to speak at University of…
In a bizarre, blindingly fast revolving-door situation, Rick Tyler, the Ted Cruz campaign spokesperson who was fired Monday for lying about how Marco Rubio feels about the Bible is now a “political contributor” for MSNBC, appearing for the first time Friday afternoon. Who...who asked for this?
At a Fox News town hall last night, Ted Cruz merrily described Planned Parenthood as a “national criminal enterprise committing multiple felonies,” and said if elected, he would pardon David Daleiden, recently indicted on felony charges for those anti-Planned Parenthood sting videos he made.
Andrew Dice Clay impersonator Donald Trump was in Las Vegas Monday night, continuing to give America the presidential candidate we deserve. As a protester was escorted out, Trump told the crowd that in the “old days” he would’ve been “carried out on a stretcher,” adding that he wished he could punch the guy in the…
Ted Cruz asked his campaign communications manager Rick Tyler to resign on Monday, after Tyler presumably committed some kind of reprehensible, salacious offense. Actually, nah.
Ohio Governor John Kasich, who defunded Planned Parenthood yesterday, said Monday morning at a town hall in Virginia that he got elected
governor
to the state Senate because women “came out of their kitchens to support me.” Oh?
In the single good thing that’s occurred in this election season so far, the Daily Beast reports that Ted Cruz and Ben Carson met for a very tense secret meeting in a storage closet in a South Carolina convention center near the bathrooms. As you do.
God help us and keep us and beam us out of here on a giant spaceship: Bernie Sanders has weighed in on Killer Mike and #uterusgate and now we’re going to have to fight about it some more. At a Sanders rally a few days ago, Mike quoted a feminist scholar saying “A uterus doesn’t qualify you to be president.” Sanders…
One endearing thing about undead tangerine and presidential candidate Donald Trump is what a bad liar he is. Take his insistence that he’s now super anti-abortion, after years of being pro-choice: it just sounds like bullshit. Trump took to Facebook Tuesday night to insist again that he hates abortion and loves…
Since the moment New York Mayor Bill de Blasio took office in 2014, his wife Chirlane McCray has been the object of fascination, controversy, praise, and hundreds of weird tabloid stories. This week, she talked with Jezebel about her ambitious plan to revamp New York City’s mental health services, her support for…
Today in things the Internet is arguing about, Killer Mike, rapper and Bernie Sanders mega-supporter, is fielding lots of criticism for quoting a feminist scholar who he says told him, “A uterus doesn’t qualify you to be president of the United States. You have to have policy that’s reflective of social justice.”…
George W. Bush is out on the campaign trail stumping for Jeb, a development that definitely does not give us chilling flashbacks and stress diarrhea. Last night they went on Fox News together, where Sean Hannity beamed at them with delight and W. joyfully mangled the English language as though not a single day had…
The traveling cavalcade of bullshit known as primary season moved to South Carolina this week, where Trump voters continue to come up with new reasons for the rest of us to say we’re Canadian when traveling abroad. This time: a new poll shows that 31% of them would back a ban on homosexuals entering the United States.
Spongebob impersonator and dignified orator Donald Trump is holding a freewheeling press conference in South Carolina right now to yell about everyone, but chiefly Ted Cruz. He also released a statement threatening to sue Cruz for saying mean things about him.
“Voting is a right,” John Oliver said on Sunday’s episode of Last Week Tonight. “If you take it away, you ruin democracy.”
