Since Cougars and New Moon are the biggest stories of the year, it's no shock that there are two - count 'em, two - stories about the older Twi-hard phenom today. Cue plenty of easy cracks about hot flashes and vampire-level body temps, but really, why shouldn't they? Any phenom worth its salt by definition has cross-appeal, right? Yeah, they're tween books. But no phenomenon can run on Teen Spirit alone. That's no shock, but the shame element is new. After all, whereas Harry Potter love just involves a certain amount of geeking out, there's the whole sexual element to Twilight.

Says CNN,

Since so many of "Twilight" fan sites were overrun with teenagers, adult women have erected their own digital havens for fans who could take only so much of the "OMG Edward's so hot!!!" reaction to "Twilight." There's Hansen's Twilight Moms Web site, which she started for married women and mothers who want to revel in their "Twilight" fandom, and sites like 49-year-old Patricia Kopicki's, which is for any adult "Twilight" fan, parent or not.

And, after all, Edward Cullen is, like, 108, anyway, right? Plus, a vampire. Plus, a fictional character. If it weren't escapism, it wouldn't work. (As one commenter sagely noted during a discussion of Star Trek, "we're not talking about Zachary Quinto. We are talking about Spock. Remember this distinction.") It's oft been said that the books appeal because they capture that feverish teen love so accurately. As this week's New York Magazine puts it, "Twilight taps into a time when passion is as much about fantasy as reality, before drunken college hookups, before booty calls, before scheduling sex into a marriage. Twilight reinvents sex for women who might have placed it at the bottom of a to-do list." And as one older fan tells CNN, "I wouldn't go back to dealing with teenage love in a million years. I'm happily married and I have a great relationship, so it's not that I feel that 'Twilight' is filling a void...the appeal is that it's very simple and pure and it outlines this love story of someone who's average and normal with this stellar, amazing person who has eyes for no one but her and could save her from anything."

It kind of makes me sad that these women have to justify loving the books, or having fantasies. I thought that was the point of fantasies. The judgey poster who New York quotes as saying "The only people obsessed with Twilight are teens and fat suburban moms from the Midwest," probably explains why a lot of people want to keep their fixation in the closet. I'm more curious about how the Twi-hard daughters feel about their crush being co-opted, but morally I don't see why anyone should care. Okay, within reason, as CNN makes clear:

But when the actors are under 18, like Taylor Lautner, the 17-year-old who plays Jacob, is, all of the women agree that a line has to be drawn on the swooning."We're very careful about that, because even to me that would feel creepy," Hansen said. "And then we have the mothers who say, 'oh my gosh he's the same age as my son!'"

Older Women Crave 'New Moon' Vampires [CNN]
‘Twilight,' Take Me Away! [New York]

Well, yes, on some levels. Edward Cullen is both predatory and alluring; much is made of his beauty and his uniqueness, and the risks of dating a vampire who has to fight his own urges carries a sense of danger and excitement that might appeal to some readers. He is your standard tortured bad boy with a (questionable) heart of gold and, well, skin that happens to sparkle in the sun.

I've often taken shots at Edward Cullen, as I find the character, and the relationship he shares with Bella Swan, to be quite creepy; Cullen, to me, reads as extremely controlling and stalker-esque, and I find it hard to believe in their romance when there appears to be so much fear and intimidation involved. However, I often wonder how I would have viewed this book when I was younger, say 13 or so, before I'd ever been in a relationship of my own. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I might have loved Edward Cullen, as well, just as I loved Billy Corgan or Trent Reznor, for being dark but pretty and for seeming slightly dangerous but like they understood what I was thinking as the rest of the world didn't.

For all of his creepiness, Edward Cullen is really just the latest scream-worthy dude that's driving the kids crazy. My mother flipped out over George Harrison, much to my grandparents' dismay. My older sister had a picture of INXS on the wall and kissed it whenever she could. My parents used to shake their heads as I smeared my eyes in black kohl and walked around moping to Siamese Dream. Every one has their unrequited teenage crush; it just seems like teenagers are all zeroing in on the same kid at the same time.

Edward Cullen may come in a different, darker package, but he still represents your typical teenage Tiger Beat dream boat: he wants only you, girl, he'll always be true, girl, he'll totally wait till you're married, girl, there's nobody else in the world for him, girl, he may be bad, but he'll be good to you, girl, etc. He's the guy you can dream about making out with, because you know you'll never make out with him. He represents the kind of love that never comes with rejection, because you know he's not real and you could never have him anyway. He's a safe means of falling in love for those who desperately want to know what it feels like.

The troublesome aspect of the Edward Cullen adoration, of course, is that girls will grow up believing that a boy who sneaks in to your room to watch you sleep is a real catch, as opposed to a total psychopath, and that the disturbing aspects of the Cullen/Swan relationship will stick with teenage girls as a marker of what "real love" is supposed to be. However, I think at times we don't give teenage girls enough credit for growing up and out of these phases; one hopes that if the world presents them with the right education regarding healthy relationships, they'll eventually see that Edward and Bella aren't exactly the ideal, and perhaps their teenage crushes will turn into adult eye rolls.

Who you are and what you believe about love when you're 13 is rarely who you are and what you believe about love when you get older; there are difficult lessons to learn and crushes that will eventually fade away. If there's one answer to why teenage girls love Edward Cullen so much, I'd argue that it's because teenage girls love love so much, and all that comes with it, and Cullen just happens to be the hottest representative of romance in the 7th grade right now. He's an extremely flawed representative, there's no doubt about that, and I hope someone else comes along to knock him off soon, if only because I think teenage girls deserve a better imaginary boyfriend to share initial hearts with in their notebooks.

So what say you, commenters? Would you be into Edward Cullen if you were 13? And did you learn anything from your imaginary teenage crushes?

Why Have Teenage Girls Been Bitten By The Edward Cullen Bug To Devour The Twilight Novels [Guardian]

[Los Angeles, October 31. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

Ok, the underwear is a one-off joke, and not for sale. But would you be surprised if it was?

I'll admit that firstly, it's been a long time since I've been a big "fan" of anyone or anything. And secondly: Even in high school, I was never really into merchandise. I had a few concert t-shirts, but mostly I liked writing song lyrics in my journal and writing globe-trotting, swoony fanfic for myself and my best friend.

But I've noticed that the business of selling stuff to young women — from Spice Girls Chupa Chups to 'NSync dolls and Hannah Montana backpacks — has exploded since I was younger. And there's no end in sight: They're selling New Moon-inspired jewelry and elegant scoop-neck tees at Nordstrom! I just wonder if these days, being a fan is synonymous with spending money. Because doesn't that suck (heh) the fun out of it?

Get Robert Pattinson In Your Pants [True/Slant]
Pattinson Panties! Edward Undies! We Got 'Em! [Twitarded]

Earlier: Battle Of The Creepy Twilight Merchandise
A Creepy Twilight Tee For The Team Jacob Fan In Your Life
The Creepiest Craft Ever Crafted

The man, described as white, 25 to 30 years old, between 5'8" and 6'0", with a medium build, is thought to be targeting female students. In the spring, several similar incidents were reported to police, and now that school's back in session, he's at it again.

So far, no one's been injured by the cuddler, who apparently leaves when his victims wake up and start screaming, but over a dozen women have been scared out of their minds, and others on campus are understandably nervous. Back in March, Georgetown student Maria Hayden told NBC Washington, "the idea of someone coming and just laying with you in the middle of the night is terrifying." (Do you hear that, Stephenie Meyer?) Police are reminding students to lock their doors and windows, which they also reminded them to do when it was happening in June and in March. Here's hoping they find the creep before he does anything worse, if not before he does it again.

"Georgetown Cuddler" May Be Back [NBC Washington]
Has the Georgetown Cuddler Returned? [NBC Washington]
Glover Park "Cuddler" Returns? [NBC Washington]

Writer Amanda Bell of the Twilight Examiner claims that industry types are attaching an unnecessary amount of snark to pieces regarding the Twilight franchise, adding bratty little asides to what should be a straightforward relay of information: "While most of the reputable entertainment outlets in the business of presenting Twilight media are not quite as guilty of this, many other staff writers feel the need to pander, condescend, and to otherwise insult those who they hope most will read their articles and traffic their sites - the fans."

Our reader agreed with Bell, noting that we should perhaps consider being kinder to the Twilight crew, as it is a "a huge phenomena powered by women." At first, I felt a little guilty about slapping a "sparkly vampire" tag to several Twilight related pieces, but after thinking about it for a while, I realized that this outrage over having an opinion that is anything but positive re: Twilight is the real problem with Twilight fans (or Twihards, or Twilighters, or what have you.) Make a Harry Potter joke, and HP fans will giggle. Say something stupid about Gandalf, and LOTR fans will laugh. Star Trek and Star Wars fans have been the butt of jokes (many of them created lovingly by hardcore fans) for years, but maintain a sense of humor about their fandom.

The Twilighters, however, seem to think that we should not have an opinion on the series unless it's sunshine and lollipops. Here are a few Twilighter comments from said article:

Karla says:
Thank you. Just because the series is popular does not mean that it is not good. THIS IS WHY ALL AGES LIKE THIS SERIES. I am a graduate of journalism and I was taught to research what I should write and not base it on any assumptions. Besides, just because Twilight struck a cord by actually showing the "never will or hard to admit desire of every girl/woman's heart," doesn't mean that it should be condemned with such accusations such as the story encourages lack of feminism/dependency on another to be happy. The truth is, Bella, despite the mistakes that she made, actually showed feminism by showing and doing how she really felt. Feminism isn't about being better than the opposite sex. It is about being able to do what you want.
August 21, 9:02 AM

Ah! But Karla assumes that we do not know that women of all ages read the series. Thanks for clearing up feminism, though. I'm glad a book about a control-freak boyfriend showed you the way.

Chelsea says:
THANK YOU.

It's bad enough when random commenters start bashing, but professional writers? That's completely out of line.
August 20, 6:44 PM

Translation: It is totes out of line for profesh writers to have any opinion that does not match up with MINE.

Cnprpl says:
Here! Here! Amanda, thank you for speaking out!

I am 42, married for 21 years, mother to 2, hold several degrees and absolutely adore both the Twilight Saga and HP (yes you can love both!). I'm not a squeeling teen fangirl.

Jealousy is much of the driving force behind the criticisms of the fandom. Whether the critics covet the fame, the good looks or the attention lavished on the authors and actors doesn't seem to matter. The envy reveals itself in the pettiness and gross generalizations that these "journalists" use to make themselves feel better. It's sad & truly deserving of our pity. Throughout history, whenever someone or something gains a following, angry & lonely people cry foul. It's not new - just faster & more vitriolic with the advent of better media technology.

I agree - if you have nothing nice to say please keep quiet. So I'll say something nice. My heart goes out to those unfortunate souls who don't have something they love the way we love our Twilight
August 20, 2:10 AM

So, you see, if you don't like Twilight, it's not because you're concerned with the underlying themes, the obsessiveness of the fans, or the actual writing and plot lines, it's because YOUR JUST JEALOUSSSSS.

Valerie says:
Thank you Amanda for saying how we all feel! I am a 40 something mom of a 17 year old girl and we LOVE Twilight. I resent the fact that most of the writers that choose to spew their venom at Twilighters classify us as teenaged fan girls rather than the diverse universe of PEOPLE that enjoy this fictional world. My husband has even become a fan and has read the books twice. He went with me to 15 times to see the film before it was released on DVD. What the writers seem to miss, ironically, is that we love the story that unfolds in Twilight. Perhaps if they spent more time writing about what they enjoy the world would be a happier place. I appreciate you lifting your voice up for all of us.
August 20, 4:59 PM

"We are not obsessive! My husband even reads them! He finally submitted after 15 VIEWINGS AT THE LOCAL MOVIE THEATER OMG WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SERIOUS THIS IS A RECESSION THAT IS ROUGHLY 300 BUCKS ON TWILIGHT TICKETS HOLY CRAP.

Sorry. I had to get at least one in.


Look. When I poke fun at Edward Cullen or Twilight fans, it's pretty clear that I'm doing so at the expense of the obsessives. I can understand why Twilight fans take it personally; anyone who has ever been a fan of anything knows that feeling well— the defensiveness that comes along when someone tries to bash something you love. But to state that writers can't have an opinion on Twilight is a bit much, and trying to brush off legitimate criticism of the novels, especially in regards to the messages they send young girls, as the work of "haters" isn't doing much for your cause. So let's let twygones be twygones, people: the world is a rather unsparkly place if you can't laugh a little at the things you claim to love.

Enough With The Twilight Fan-Bashing Media Antics Already [Examiner]

Bella Swan
All I feel is all there is
and there is nothing here
there is nothing here
all you are is bound to him
you've made that very clear
very clear
you are nothing dear
but blood waiting for fangs
waiting for fangs


Wolves At The Door Of My High School
Keep the werewolf from my door
but he calls me up
calls me on the phone
keeps trying to win me over
but my heart
is with the one
who sparkles
who sparkles
who sparkles
in the blistering sun


Renesmee
They gave you a stupid name
and told you to like it, girl
they don't know you like I do
the wolves imprint themselves on you
what can you do
what can you do
when all the world looks down on you
you're the reason vampires and girls have to screw, you you
oh, you
clawing baby in the woods
clawing baby in the woods
they gave you a stupid name
they don't know you like the werewolves do


My Sparkling Arm (Edward Cullen)
I am so tired
The darkness is not dark enough
And you are filled with life and death
and you live for my breath
you're a bit obsessed, pet
you want to hold
my sparkling arm
the sun and the moon and the blood on my hands
the blood on my hands
my hands
my hands
you belong to me
you have no other plans
no other plans
you must understand
i can not sleep or eat or be anything but bland
yet you still want to hold
my sparkling hand
plasticine porcelain
you are dazzled
by a ghastly skin
its a sin
its a sin
You are my personal brand of
heroin

Of course, they could always just go with this:



Think you can do better? Post your Thom Twilight lyrics in the comments!

Thom Yorke, Bon Iver Write Songs For Twilight 2 [Stereogum]

[New York, July 10. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

Ruth La Ferla references True Blood and Let The Right One In and writes:

What began with the Twilight Saga, the luridly romantic young-adult series by Stephenie Meyer, followed by Twilight, the movie, has become a pandemic of unholy proportions.

For Spike's sake: Vampire lust did not "begin" with Twilight. While La Ferla acknowledges the 1983 film The Hunger, the Sookie Stackhouse books penned by Charlaine Harris, and upcoming "supernatural action film" Blood: The Last Vampire (which looks awesome) — her underlying question is: Why? Why the pop culture obsession with vampires? La Ferla gets this:

The vampire's attraction is "all about the titillation of imagining the monsters we could be if we just let ourselves go," suggested Rick Owens, a fashion bellwether whose goth-tinged collections sometimes evoke the undead. "We're all fascinated with corruption, the more glamorous the better" and, he added, with the idea of "devouring, consuming, possessing someone we desire."

But in a new interview with True Blood series creator Alan Ball, he says: "Vampires are sex. Vampires basically arose in our time as a metaphor for sex. I mean, vampires are sort of the ultimate Romantic rock star, bad boy or girl fantasy." And: "I can't really talk that much about Twilight because I haven't read any of the books and I didn't see the movie. I personally don't really understand why you would have vampires in a something that is basically about abstinence."

Okay, sure, vampires are about unleashing your inner monster, sex and desire. But most famous vampire stories involve bloodsucking males preying on females. In this chart illustrating the "basics" of being a vampire, there's Bill from True Blood; Edward from Twilight and Angel from Buffy. Bloodsucking is a boy's world. Maybe that's why that the epic clip of Buffy prevailing over Edward Cullen is such refreshing turn of events. Jonathan McIntosh, who created the clip, says:

More than just a showdown between The Slayer and the Sparkly Vampire, it's also a humorous visualization of the metaphorical battle between two opposing visions of gender roles in the 21ist century […] In the end the only reasonable response was to have Buffy stake Edward – not because she didn't find him sexy, not because he was too sensitive or too eager to share his feelings – but simply because he was possessive, manipulative, and stalkery.

Although there are many vampire books written by women, and a few fierce female vamps — Buffy's Drusilla, Underworld's Selene, Let The Right One In's Eli, Queen Of The Damned's Akasha. But none of these women have achieved the fame and notoriety male vampires enjoy. A woman's role in vampire mythology is to get bitten, become enthralled, or both; the undead dudes are the ones with all the power.

A Trend With Teeth [NY Times]
In Vampire World, The Rules Keep Changing [USA Today]
From Dusk Til Dawn: Talking With Alan Ball About "True Blood" Season Two [Televisionary]
What Would Buffy Do? Notes On Dusting Edward Cullen [Women In Media & News]

Earlier: Buffy Shuts Down Edward Cullen In The Best Clip Ever

So who could possibly out-sparkle Edward in the toy chest? Let's take a look, shall we?


Glitter And Gold Rio: Awwww, yeah! Check out this fine flashy gentleman. Glitter and Gold Rio didn't mess around, ladies. He had purple hair and a gold lame suit with the kind of sparkle power that could easily knock Vampire Boy to the ground. And he dates Jem, which only ups his sparkle power. See his hands in this picture? He's holding his right hand up, but he's saying, "Edward Cullen, to the left, to the left."


Earring Magic Ken: Earring Magic Ken had a short run as the most awesome Ken doll of all time, before Mattel crumbled under homophobic pressure and pulled the doll from the market after an urban legend spread that his earring-inspired necklace was actually a cock ring. The cock ring of sparkly awesomeness, I say. Look at Edward Cullen's boring Forks, Washington attire. He can't even come close to Earring Magic Ken's purple vest and winning smile.


Rocker Ken: Half-astronaut, half-rock star, Rocker Ken comes to us in a suit of silver and a hairdo that can only be described as 1985. So you're a vampire, Cullen. Can you sparkle AND rock out on your silver guitar? I think not.


Dream Glow Ken: Sure, you can sparkle, Cullen, but can you GLOW? I don't think so. Dream Glow Ken has an aura of sparkles, just like you. Not such a special snowflake anymore, are we, Cullen?


Jewel Secrets Ken: Jewel Secrets Ken has a sparkly suit, sparkly tie, AND sparkly cummerbund. Also? He has secrets. Just like you, Cullen. So you're not the only mysterious one in the toy chest anymore either. You need a new gimmick, Cullen, and you need it fast. Yeah, yeah, you're a vampire. That's really not going to impress the bloodless Barbie crowd. Sorry.


Bonus! Meet Your New Neighbor: Finally, here's our friend Buffy. She prefers to be called an "action figure." And she can't wait to meet you.

Barbie Collector Doll- Twilight [Toys R Us]

• To start this Memorial Day weekend, here's a picture of Robert Pattinson with his arm around a pretty blonde that is probably making the girl I saw wearing a "Team Edward" t-shirt yesterday cry. [ShowbizSpy]

• The mystery woman is apparently Erika Dutra, who was "was introduced to Robert by a mutual friend at the beginning of the night and he was smitten with her from that point on," according to a source, "He took pictures of her, sat with her all night, and the two of them were even seen kissing! There was serious chemistry between them, and they looked like they were having an amazing time." Related: sales of Erika Dutra voodoo dolls have shot up 999% in Hot Topic stores across the country. [Life&Style]
• "I just want to become a traditional old man with a beer belly. I'd like to be sitting on the veranda of our place in France, just staring out over the lawns." -Johnny Depp [ShowbizSpy]
• Charges will be dropped against Kiefer Sutherland as he has reached an agreement with the designer he headbutted at a Met Gala after-party earlier this month. [USWeekly]
• Blind Item: "Which once-hot pop star can barely sing a note and needs mucho enhancement in the studio, getting help from a songwriter who's also vocally stepped in for that working-class rock band? Similarly, which famous young lady actually does the singing for her more famous sister?" [BlindGossip]
• When Kate Moss goes camping, it's called "glamping." [DailyMail]
• "If I went to a psychiatrist, it would be a long session,' he says. 'I've always thought that I do have a number of issues that probably need dealing with, because I am quite odd in some ways. I get very dark moods for no reason. "- Simon Cowell [DailyMail]
• Wondering if your favorite television show got canceled? Here's a nice rundown of shows that didn't make it. [Yahoo]
• Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, who went through a fairly nasty public divorce, have dined together since, for the sake of their children: "Believe it or not, we had dinner together with all of us," Richards says, "So I love that... It's important for our daughters to see us get along and to be able to be in the same room." [USWeekly]
• Hayden Panettiere was spotted frolicking on a yacht with James Blunt. When asked for comment, James Blunt pulled out a guitar and sang, "My life is brilliant, blah blah blah blah." Not really. But still. [DailyMail]
• "It's so important to have hobbies and girlfriends, and not know people that work in Hollywood. It's a sanity thing; it keeps you sane. I was playing soccer and I joined a kickball league. That's way more interesting to me than going to some party."-Jessica Biel [ShowbizSpy]
• "There'll be a whole new generation that has to be trained and a leader that you'll all love when you meet her. There'll be lots of cadets, boys and girls who'll be learning how to use the neuron splitter and the inter-planet interceptor - new tools to enable them to slip from dimension to dimension."- Dan Aykroyd on Ghostbusters 3. [Guardian]
• Employees at the hotel where Mariah Carey recently stayed during the Cannes Film Festival were ordered to decorate her room with Hello Kitty decor to "help her feel at home." [DailyMail]
• "I was told for a very long time that I was not pretty enough, too strange, not edgy enough. But I've always been famous, it is just that nobody knew."-Lady GaGa [ONTD]
• "There's always a sense of Andy Warhol whenever we make a Black Eyed Peas album. It's an artistic factory with several rooms going at the same time. We don't just sit down. We jump from room to room, all of us adding ideas to the recipe. If you get burned out on one idea or your ears get tired, you walk to another room and step into a whole fresh creative zone for more ideas."- Fergie [Reuters]
• Elizabeth Taylor has "fallen in love" with Twitter and is reportedly tweeting from her hospital bed. [NYTimes]
• In other Twitter news, Heidi Montag sent a tweet to Miley Cyrus that read: "Yeah we can't wait to go to church with you!! We need extra Jesus time before we leave for the Jungle for I'm a Celebrity."[EW]
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar is proud of his Saved By The Bell days: "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "But I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Friends forever! With you everywhere! Talkin' bout friends forever! Always will be there, we'll be there! [JustJared]

[Tokyo, February 27. Image via Getty.]

Earlier: 7 Vampires Better Than Twilight's Edward Cullen
Twilight At Midnight: Smells Like Teen Spirit
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Ratings are out of a possible five bulbs of garlic.

Bill Compton, True Blood. While he's rather morose and generally humorless, at least he has fangs and doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Claudia, Interview With The Vampire.
Forget Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt: The creepiest bloodsucker in the adaptation of the Anne Rice book was Kirsten Dunst's child monster, all curly hair and demon thoughts. Remember when she brought home the twins for Lestat, and they were poisoned? Evil!
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Eli, Let The Right One In. You want awkward tweenage love story? You want blood? This Swedish art film delivers, beautifully. Eli is the mysterious girl-next-door; Oskar's a bullied kid who could use someone in his corner. This large-eyed little vamp is simultaneously sweet and unsettlingly menacing. (Check out the trailer here.)
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

David, The Lost Boys. Keifer Sutherland makes it look so cool. He's got chicks, a posse, and a cave hangout. He may or may not make you eat worms and drink blood — but that's the price you pay for hanging with the right crowd! Look, that's Bill, from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure on the far right! See how connected these vamps are?
Rating: Five garlic bulbs

Blade. So maybe he's half vampire. But Wesley Snipes was a badass VOC (that's vampire of color) with a Buddhist outlook, sharp weapons and the advantage of being a daywalker.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Selene, Underworld. Since she and her vamp vicious circle were so busy hunting werewolves, they weren't much of a threat to humans, and therefore not very scary. Kick ass and gorgeous, but not scary.
Rating: Two garlic bulbs

Spike, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Many BTVS fans worshipped Angel, Buffy's brooding first love, but Spike, the devilish, quippy, smart-ass, black nail polish-wearing vamp who once said, "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it," was actually the better character. Part Billy Idol, part Bowie, part rabid dog, Spike's cuckoo mate, Drusilla, once asked him, "Do you love my insides? The parts you can’t see?" Answered Spike: "Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet!" This is how a vampire thinks: He loves you so much he may dine on you. We never quiet get that from Edward Cullen.
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

Special mentions: Laddie from The Lost Boys, The Count, Dracula, and, of course, Blacula.
Update/Addendum:

Box Office Report: 'Twilight' Sinks Its Teeth Into A Blockbuster Debut [EW]
Why Do We Love Vampires? [iVillage]
Earlier: Twilight At Midnight: Smells Like Teen Spirit
I Was A Teenage Trend-Hater: Despising Twilight Is Big For Fall
Twilight: "Questionable Casting, Wooden Acting, Laughable Dialogue And Truly Awful Makeup"
Breaking Dawn: What To Expect When You're Expecting... A Vampire