I...am having mom issues lately. Am starting to suspect I am not the only one with legit, diagnosable mental health conditions in this family. Sometimes, I want to cut off all contact.
Last week, I am a failure in her eyes, and too useless to ever do anything. This week, all is well? Exhausting.
Note to self: never make love for children conditional.
I can identify with your statement about the stages of grieving. Accepting that my mother has narcicistic personality disorder meant losing a lot. I lost my hopes and plans for the future, that some day she'd stop being such a bitch and we'd have a real relationship. I also lost my anger at her and also my anger at myself. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't hers. But at the same time, I learned to place the blame where it was -- I wasn't a bad daughter, she had been a bad mother and currently wasn't a very lovely person.
My mother is great. My problem is my mother-in-law. "Mentally ill manipulator" describes her perfectly. She's paranoid, depressed, and the best guilt-tripper who ever guilt-tripped. My husband is her only child (of 3) who speaks to her regularly, and she vacillates between telling him he's the best thing since sliced bread and making him feel horribly guilty for not keeping his siblings in the crazy fold. (His brother is crazier than she is and we have a restraining order against him, but we're the bad guys somehow in that situation, because if we'd just talk to him we would see he's just misunderstood.)
I recently found out that my husband's been paying her bills with our money. I'm sure she's guilting him into it. She makes me feel like crap because I have a career and don't devote all my time to making sure my husband is happy.
My MIL is a serious problem in my marriage. I'm totally at the end of my rope.
@LoSpaz: Sorry for you. Do you know that the nickname for a snake plant is "Mother-in-Law's tongue"?
I hope you and your spouse can get outside help or support. He is in the toughest position stuck between you and his mother. You and your hubby need support.
As difficult as it is IGNORE YOUR MIL'S comments. She is trying to wrest power away from you,so she can get a firmer (iron clad?) grasp on her son.
reading all these comments makes me sad, but grateful I'm not alone. It also makes me want to finally seek the counseling I've considered for years in order to move past my childhood.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like such a loser that I'm in my mid 20's I've traveled met amazing people, had amazing experiences and really grown as a person, yet I still can't get over the horrible things that were said to me when I was as young as four.
You are still young--and I mean this in the best and sincerest way--so you are still early in your journey of establishing your identity. Keep developing your strengths, establish healthy relationships, don't let your shortcomings define you, use your mistakes as learning tools.
Do not label yourself a loser. You still have so much life to live and learn.
Reading all of these comments makes me want to call my daddy and tell him how wonderful he is. And then bring him a sugarfree cheesecake and put on some girl!romance movies.
My mother told me, when I was young, that 'feminist' was a term she felt all women should self-identify with. She also believed in respecting children and treating them as independent individuals. Upon graduating from college, when I told her I wanted to be a musician, she said 'that's great - I really envy people who live for their art.'
I have a toxic relationship with my mother. She keeps me coming back and it was only until therapy did I realize that I didn't and shouldn't take it anymore. I am also on medication to help with anxiety, panic and depression. I'm working but I think I am at that stage of trying to understand my mother and her choices. I was too old too young so the things that I saw and heard were perhaps not acceptable and I always defended her.
We are contact, I see her every holiday and she calls me at three times a week. I try to be very neutral but there are times where I just can't take it. I moved out of the house four years ago, about to be married (next week) and we have a very strange and complicated relationship. However, it's a lot less volatile and overwhelming now that I've physically removed myself from the house.
Stay strong. Focus on the progress you've made--not easy to do all the time, I know. My therapist gave me the analogy of being a dock in the water. No matter what the tide is doing just stay still and grounded.
My mother keeps talking about how she wants to "get" another daughter--like, from Guatemala or something. Because she raised my sister and me wrong--we came out too independent, not Cathlic enough, too liberal (not Republicans), too many opinions. Seriously. I was like, "These are usually considered good things. Too independent? Too smart for our own good? WTF?"
She doesn't like that I am getting my PhD. She doesn't like that I moved out of the house, but she spent all the time I lived with her telling me how much she wanted me to move out of the house. She doesn't like my boyfriend, mainly because I like him and he doesn't try to buy my love, affection, or body. She thinks he should be taking me on vacations and buying me diamond rings. I'm like, I don't want diamonds, the process of mining them is too morally sketchy for me. She thinks I'm overreacting and I just need to calm down. She thinks I'm a horrible daughter.
I go to my grandmother's house (they live next door to one another) every week to clean it. I go to church with them on holidays and the masses they have dedicated to my grandfather. I fucking wear makeup, shave my legs, and wear specific clothes whenever I see her.
And yet I can't stop going out to dinner with them when they call, going over there when they invite me to dinner, always saying yes. I love them. My boyf doesn't get it, I don't think. He keeps telling me to disengage, or to cut them out. When I decided to go to grad school, she was basically like, "My friend's brother is a professor. He has a PhD in communications. He doesn't make any money, isn't tenured, and has to keep moving around the country because he can't hold down a job. If he can't do it, what the hell makes you think that you can do it?" Reeeeally supportive, mom.
But it's because all her life she just lived like it was 1964 and she did what she was expected to do. We come from a town that still pretends it's the early 60s. She never wanted kids, but she thought she wanted them. She thought she did because EVERYone wants kids, right? But she couldn't stand us, we made her depressed. She was always the size zero cheerleader, popular girl. Then we came along, she gained weight, couldn't go to bars anymore, had to stay at home and raise us, but still worked full time. No wonder she hated us.
My mom can eat a dick for mother's day. And my dad can eat one on father's day. I'm not calling her. She can't guilt, scare, or threaten me into having a relationship with her. I'm just starting to rebuild what she's torn down. I'm not the one with a problem and until she enacts some changes and gets help, she can haunt her big ol' house by herself.
I adore my mom in a way I can't even describe to other people. She was always my mom, and not my friend when I was younger, but as I grew up, our relationship naturally transitioned into a really amazing friendship that I really treasure now. It's just awesome when my husband says to me, "you're just like your mom" and it's actually a compliment, because she's a completely amazing person.
@ToUnfoldThem: Yes, I feel exactly the same way about my mom. She lives nearby, and I see her (and my dad) at least once a week. She is my hero and the best role model I could ever have.
I can't remember the last time I spoke to or saw my mother. Sometimes I see her car (we live in the same town) but we don't interact. She spent most of my childhood telling me how much she wished I was never born, and sent me to a mental hospital when I was a teen. After I testified against her in court, I decided that the only thing I could do was cut her out of my life entirely.
I don't regret it, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything other than some Gilmore Girls style birthday parties. My dad is more than wonderful, and has filled both the mother and father roles very well.
@sassy wants her own tenth Doctor: I forgot to say that the only thing I got from my mother was in inherent distrust of anyone female. I have maybe 3 female friends, because I just don't know how to interact with females. They are frightening and terrible creatures.
@GoodBadNotEvil: Jezebel has helped, but Jezeladies are frightening in their own ways. :D
@PromQueen: My mom goes around our tiny town telling everyone how much my father beat her. They look at her, picture my father, and roll their eyes. My dad has Mr. O'Hara's temperament, and everyone who meets him knows he is a teddy bear within 30 seconds.
my mom has been/is going through some rough stuff and all things considered, she is doing the best she can. she's a tough broad, and i only hope that if i had to go through what she went through that i could come out the other side of it with some semblance of sanity like she has.
that said, my quasi s.o. and i watched hbo's grey gardens and he felt that they both exhibited classic bipolar/manic depressive signs. i think that mental illness was definitely in the mix, but so much of their problems came from big edie's delusion of what her life was vs. what she wanted it to be. she was indoctrinated since birth to marry a rich man..not the right man. her life was all about keeping up appearances...even faking her maid's voice. little edie was stressed out from a desire to protect her, and i don't doubt that she was talented, but it didn't have any room to bloom.
04/23/09
Last week, I am a failure in her eyes, and too useless to ever do anything. This week, all is well? Exhausting.
Note to self: never make love for children conditional.
04/22/09
04/23/09
04/22/09
I recently found out that my husband's been paying her bills with our money. I'm sure she's guilting him into it. She makes me feel like crap because I have a career and don't devote all my time to making sure my husband is happy.
My MIL is a serious problem in my marriage. I'm totally at the end of my rope.
04/23/09
I hope you and your spouse can get outside help or support. He is in the toughest position stuck between you and his mother. You and your hubby need support.
As difficult as it is IGNORE YOUR MIL'S comments. She is trying to wrest power away from you,so she can get a firmer (iron clad?) grasp on her son.
Good luck.
04/22/09
Honestly, sometimes I feel like such a loser that I'm in my mid 20's I've traveled met amazing people, had amazing experiences and really grown as a person, yet I still can't get over the horrible things that were said to me when I was as young as four.
04/23/09
You are still young--and I mean this in the best and sincerest way--so you are still early in your journey of establishing your identity. Keep developing your strengths, establish healthy relationships, don't let your shortcomings define you, use your mistakes as learning tools.
Do not label yourself a loser. You still have so much life to live and learn.
04/22/09
04/22/09
God, my mom is awesome.
04/22/09
04/22/09
04/22/09
04/22/09
How me and my mom roll... Italian wedding style.
04/22/09
04/22/09
From Dancing
04/22/09
04/22/09
04/22/09
04/22/09
We are contact, I see her every holiday and she calls me at three times a week. I try to be very neutral but there are times where I just can't take it. I moved out of the house four years ago, about to be married (next week) and we have a very strange and complicated relationship. However, it's a lot less volatile and overwhelming now that I've physically removed myself from the house.
I'm still working on the emotional :)
04/22/09
Stay strong. Focus on the progress you've made--not easy to do all the time, I know. My therapist gave me the analogy of being a dock in the water. No matter what the tide is doing just stay still and grounded.
04/22/09
She doesn't like that I am getting my PhD. She doesn't like that I moved out of the house, but she spent all the time I lived with her telling me how much she wanted me to move out of the house. She doesn't like my boyfriend, mainly because I like him and he doesn't try to buy my love, affection, or body. She thinks he should be taking me on vacations and buying me diamond rings. I'm like, I don't want diamonds, the process of mining them is too morally sketchy for me. She thinks I'm overreacting and I just need to calm down. She thinks I'm a horrible daughter.
I go to my grandmother's house (they live next door to one another) every week to clean it. I go to church with them on holidays and the masses they have dedicated to my grandfather. I fucking wear makeup, shave my legs, and wear specific clothes whenever I see her.
And yet I can't stop going out to dinner with them when they call, going over there when they invite me to dinner, always saying yes. I love them. My boyf doesn't get it, I don't think. He keeps telling me to disengage, or to cut them out. When I decided to go to grad school, she was basically like, "My friend's brother is a professor. He has a PhD in communications. He doesn't make any money, isn't tenured, and has to keep moving around the country because he can't hold down a job. If he can't do it, what the hell makes you think that you can do it?" Reeeeally supportive, mom.
But it's because all her life she just lived like it was 1964 and she did what she was expected to do. We come from a town that still pretends it's the early 60s. She never wanted kids, but she thought she wanted them. She thought she did because EVERYone wants kids, right? But she couldn't stand us, we made her depressed. She was always the size zero cheerleader, popular girl. Then we came along, she gained weight, couldn't go to bars anymore, had to stay at home and raise us, but still worked full time. No wonder she hated us.
04/22/09
[www.health.am]
04/22/09
04/22/09
Sigh...now I have to call her. :)
04/22/09
04/22/09
04/22/09
04/22/09
I don't regret it, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything other than some Gilmore Girls style birthday parties. My dad is more than wonderful, and has filled both the mother and father roles very well.
04/22/09
04/22/09
04/22/09
@PromQueen: My mom goes around our tiny town telling everyone how much my father beat her. They look at her, picture my father, and roll their eyes. My dad has Mr. O'Hara's temperament, and everyone who meets him knows he is a teddy bear within 30 seconds.
How did people react to her doing that?
04/22/09
that said, my quasi s.o. and i watched hbo's grey gardens and he felt that they both exhibited classic bipolar/manic depressive signs. i think that mental illness was definitely in the mix, but so much of their problems came from big edie's delusion of what her life was vs. what she wanted it to be. she was indoctrinated since birth to marry a rich man..not the right man. her life was all about keeping up appearances...even faking her maid's voice. little edie was stressed out from a desire to protect her, and i don't doubt that she was talented, but it didn't have any room to bloom.
my two cents.