[New York, July 14. Image via INF]

The episode opened with Jackie at home in the bathroom, accidentally dropping a pill down the drain and using gum and a pen to retrieve it, right before her husband walked in on her. Later, she found out that her hospital's resident pharmacist — with whom she has sex every day at noon and depends on to keep her pill supply coming — is going to be replaced by a drug-dispensing machine. But when she had to face a tourist patient who was suffering from withdrawal symptoms, all the things Nurse Jackie told the woman — it's a slippery slope, you can't just stop — were things Jackie should be telling herself. And as she went to get the woman some kind of phone number for addicts, Jackie found a pill in her pocket and swallowed it. Clip above.

Earlier: Nurse Jackie: Not Exactly Warm & Fuzzy

As some have mentioned, her character seems House-esque: A misanthrope in a place of healing. But what makes Nurse Jackie different is, clearly, that she's a woman. She's not only a nurse but female, and that means sometimes she's ignored. Sometimes a doctor feels like it's okay to hug her. Sometimes people try to take advantage of her. She's built up a steely exterior — and a pill habit — in order to survive, but she seems to suppress aspects of herself often thought of as being "feminine," — she shows little emotion, and refuses to be chatty or polite. Of course, she's also a mother and wife having an extra-marital affair at work, so things get complicated. And don't forget the pill problem! Falco plays the role by barely using her facial muscles, suppressing everything and leaving you wondering when (if) Jackie will snap. But the audience is allowed to see that beneath it all, Jackie's heart is in the right place — when faced with the task of reattaching the ear of a man who has assaulted a woman (and will not do time due to diplomatic immunity), she "loses" the ear by flushing it down the toilet. Heroic! Of course, she later blames this wrongdoing on the nursing student shadowing her. Last night, the speech Jackie gave the student ("Buck up!") was indicative of how her character functions. Clip above.

• Catholics in Poland are urging the government there to cancel Madonna's August 15 concert, saying…

The pop star "cannot sing on the religious feast of the Blessed Virgin Mary." But everybody knows she cannot sing on the other 364 days of the year either. [UPI]

• Danny DeVito: drunk in the morning again. He was being interviewed live at 8 AM on Tuesday for a local news show while on the set of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Drunk while filming a comedy show? He's ruining feminism. [Perez Hilton]
• Michael Jackson may have messed up the Jackson family reunion concert that was in the works by allegedly breaching the contract his manager signed with an entertainment company who is suing Jackson for $40 million. So far, the rest of the family are keeping their noses out of the mess. [TMZ, USA Today]
• But Jacko can still moonwalk…or so he says…through a hospital mask. [TMZ]
• Ed McMahon has seemingly lost his battle to save his home from foreclosure. His house will be auctioned off by the bank in late June. [Radar]
• Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant and her former-Girls Next Door co-star Bridget Marquardt is throwing the baby shower. Judging from the housewarming present she gave Kendra, we can't wait to see what the layette set will have printed on it. [Us]
• Chris Brown's lawyer went to the California appeals court today to ask that his trial—for the alleged assault of Rihanna—be delayed. The judge denied the request, and the trial is still set for June 22. [TMZ]
• Life-size cardboard cutouts of Brad Pitt dressed as police officer have been placed by the most dangerous intersections in the city of Omsk, as a way to handle Siberia's speeding problem. According to Omsk officials, it's working. [Mirror]
• Myleene Klass, one of the hosts of I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! had to be rescued by Costa Rican hotel staff after she accidentally glued herself to the bed. [ONTD]
• Phil Spector's infamous large court hair was a wig!? He's bald in this mugshot, taken last week. [TSG]
• Shia LaBeouf gets his sense of humor where most people get their nightmares: From seeing his parents have sex. [Just Jared]
• Even more nightmare material: When Shia was 2 his dad would dress him up as a clown and make him walk around the neighborhood. How is this guy not a serial killer? [Parade]
• Shanna Moakler wants her job back as pageant director for Miss California USA now that proponent of opposite marriage Carrie Prejean got the boot. [TMZ]
• Hank Azaria and his girlfriend had a baby boy over the weekend. [People]
• "Obsessed" will be the first single released (on June 16) from Mariah Carey's new album—awesomely titled—Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. [Rolling Stone]
• Mel Gibson and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Robyn have filed a joint request in court to keep the financial details of their divorce private. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan is off the hook for that misdemeanor charge of aggravated harassment. [Yahoo]
• Sonja Norwood (aka the mother of Brandy and Ray J) filed a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian for allegedly using the Norwood family's credit card without permission when Kim was hired as Brandy's stylist. The lawsuit was dismissed. [People]
• Beyoncé in post-apocalyptic armor singing "If I Were a Boy" duet-style with George Michael goes from Beyond Thunderdome to beyond gay. It's hard to wrap one's head around this gender fuck, no matter how much weave is available. [WoW]
• Breaking: Nancy Pelosi and Owen Wilson had dinner at the D.C. restaurant Cafe Milano…at different tables. They didn't talk to each other or anything. [Politico]
• Bai Ling will play a hooker in Love Ranch—a film about the first legal brothel in Nevada, starring Helen Mirren—despite the fact the that she had her back to the camera during her screen test because she was in a "bad mood." [Daily Express]
• Keira Knightley and Colin Farrell have signed on to star in London Boulevard, the directorial debut of Oscar-winning screenwriter William Monahan. [THR]
• A Broadway revival of Babes in Arms is in the works, with Rosie O'Donnell as the star. [UPI]
• Sherri Shepherd is all pissed off that she can't eat the skin on a chicken leg, per her nutritionist's orders. She's trying to get a "bathing suit body" to reveal on The View by August 6. She's lost four pounds so far. [People]
• Hugh Grant tried to kick a paparazzo in the balls. The photog sold the footage, of course. [TMZ]
• Matthew McConaughey swears his bachelor days are over now that he has a child with his girlfriend. He referred to his family as a "tribe," so we're thinking that his naked-bongo days are still going strong. [Daily Express]
• Monica Seles is dating a cranky old billionaire—30 years her senior—who doesn't like paying taxes. [Wonkette]
• The record-breaking ratings of the premiere of Edie Falco's Nurse Jackie Monday night were so impressive that Showtime has already ordered a second season. [Women and Hollywood]
• Blind Item: "Which top-selling artist purportedly had his new single cut from some radio stations playlists in retaliation for supporting royalties for musicians?" (The article goes on to say that it's probably Bono.) [USA Today]
• Bono and The Edge wrote the music and lyrics for the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, and Bono likens himself to a superhero, natch. [Rolling Stone]
• "Mommy breastfed all three of you. You guys took all my milk, so now mommy's just getting the milk put back inside." Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa Giudice's explanation to her daughters about her new buh-bees. Don't go putting silicone in your coffee, girls! [People]
• "I went through this stage where I would just go out, not be responsible, not focus on work or class, and my management was like, 'Listen, you could go either way. You could be this person - I won't name names - a reality show actress. Or you could go this way - award-winning actress.' That was a real shock." - Twilight's Ashley Greene doesn't want to be like Paris Hilton. [Nylon]
• "So many means of expression are being explored in TV through women who are fully mature, in the prime of their lives, feeling experienced and able to express who they are. We're not 21. It's really exciting, in that these opportunities are kind of unprecedented. Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Mary McCormick, Mary Louise Parker, a show like United States of Tara—women are exploring all kinds of new aspects of themselves." - Holly Hunter [HuffPo]
• "I like when she demonstrates how to transport a potted plant while wearing Hermes pants and uses enough packing material to move a whole house. But we're just moving one plant. Really you just put the plant in a truck and go." - Alexis Stewart on her mom Martha. [AP]
• "I probably won't watch [The Hills]. I'm not a huge TV person." - author Lauren Conrad. [E!]

Falco sounds like a female version of Fox's Dr. House; she is not cuddly or sweet, she never coddles her patients, she is an excellent nurse but a flawed human, and she carries around a vial of Vicodin which she pops like candy, and Adderall that she snorts secretively in the ladies bathroom. At one point, she tells an overly perky nurse, "I don't do chatty. I like quiet. Quiet and mean, those are my people." Jackie's strength seems to lie in the delicate balance of cranky and caring, and critics generally agree that Falco is great for the part. Falco brings the sharp anger she displayed in the role of Carmela Soprano but tempers it with humor and warmth for Nurse Jackie. Reviewers deem the half-hour show funny but dark, a mixture of drama and comedy that sometimes falls more on the side of drama. Reviews are divided on if the show gets better as it ages, or whether it falls flat soon after the pilot (which, by the way, is already available to watch online at Showtime's website). However, as the LA Times blog notes, Nurse Jackie is exciting partially because it is a show driven and produced by women, which sadly makes it somewhat of an anomaly.

Boston Globe

Falco is brilliant at showing us a woman who is neither warm nor sweet but still exudes compassion, especially toward herself. When we see what a nurse's job entails - the death, the angry patients, the absurd and rigid rules - we hardly begrudge her the pharmaceuticals. "Nurse Jackie" constantly asks us whether life necessitates a little artificial help, chemical or otherwise. It's filled with artistic slow-motion shots of various pills and powders, from crushed Percoset dropped into a coffee cup to the contents of a painkiller capsule snorted up a nose. At one point, Jackie takes a drawing by her preteen daughter - flagged by concerned teachers, because it contains only shades of black and grey - and scribbles in a bright yellow sun. "There," she says to herself. "Was that so hard?"

Huffington Post

Give Nurse Jackie a couple of episodes and you'll find it every bit as hilarious and nerve-wracking as Weeds, its lead-in show. They make a nicely matched pair on Showtime on Monday nights, starting tonight.

And it's not just about the drugs, though that's an easy hook for both. Drugs are just one layer in a pair of half-hour shows about intriguingly multi-layered women who are at their best when they're under pressure.

Time

Nurse Jackie has a fine-grained sense of hospitals' feudal hierarchy, but it's ultimately about the paradox of Jackie: she's dedicated and moral in her professional life but—in ways it's better not to spoil—hurtful in her private life. As when Falco portrayed Carmela Soprano, she plays tough while letting her emotions spark from every nerve, and she shows a gift for tart comedy here too. To get her job done, Jackie needs to be part nurturer, part con artist, part stand-up comic. "What do you call a nurse with a bad back?" she asks in a voice-over. "Unemployed! Ba-dum-bum!"

Some of the supporting characters need work (especially a too sitcommy administrator played by Anna Deavere Smith), and some patients-of-the-week veer into clichés. But Falco is outstanding as a living reminder that you meet angels only in the next life. It takes a flawed, sloppy human to keep you in this one.

Entertainment Weekly

As Jackie, Falco sports a daringly unattractive short haircut that makes sense for her line of work. But an unfashionable 'do doesn't prevent her from removing her wedding ring before she enters the hospital and 
 conducting a sweaty affair with the hospital pharmacist (Paul Schulze - Carmela's 
 priest from The Sopranos!). She has a bad back 
 due to the long hours she works, which 
 I suppose is meant to explain her addiction to painkillers, but Jackie seems to get 
 off on the thrill of deceit nearly as much as on the pills' agony-numbing high.

New York Magazine

But for all these flaws, I still found the series excitingly ambitious-funny, sexy, strange. Edie Falco and the show's producers are recovering addicts, and the series doesn't shy away from the irreconcilable ironies of Jackie's behavior. She's an alcoholic who touts her sobriety, then screws the hospital pharmacist. (For love? For drugs? Like Mad Men, the show allows these mysteries to exist without overexplaining.) Jackie reaches for a hidden pill as her daughters watch TV; she hides diced Seconal in sugar packets ("It hits your system like a bolt of lightning, which is only a problem if you're afraid of lightning, which I'm not"); she gives gentle guidance to a fellow addict even while squirreling away the patient's tips on how to score. Jackie's naïve student nurse (a charmingly odd Merritt Wever) calls her a "saint," but then Jackie nearly kills a patient. And when Falco sobs, "I almost killed you"-she knows the mistake came from overwork, from being high all shift long-it feels like this is her daily terror: She's always pushing off the catastrophe that can't be prevented.

USA Today

But while there are laughs to be had here, this is not a silly sitcom. There's an edge to Jackie and a serious flaw, the byproduct of an addictive personality, that extends far beyond the painkillers she abuses. As you'll find out at the end of tonight's premiere, Jackie is making at least one horrible mistake, and you can't help fearing it will bring things crashing down.

New York Times

"Nurse Jackie" doesn't look like the average network medical drama, but it does follow the formula of many premium cable shows, taking a knowing and at times dark, sardonic look at the classic themes of love, life and work. It has one of the most talented actresses on television as its lead, and yet over all "Nurse Jackie" is surprisingly, and disconcertingly, off key. This is a drama draped in black humor that doesn't know when to be funny.

Variety

Part of the show's problems might stem from expectations. Despite being a half-hour, "Jackie" is virtually laugh-free, playing like a half-hour drama. Indeed, at times the dour tone makes its lead-in, "Weeds," seem positively cheerful by comparison.

Mostly, "Nurse Jackie" plays like TV designed for theater folk, capitalizing on its New York base by casting performers such as Best (a two-time Tony nominee) and Judith Ivey, Swoosie Kurtz and Blythe Danner in guest roles in a later episode. While all that talent is welcome, it's a narrow foundation even by pay-cable standards.

LA Times

Falco makes [Jackie] utterly believable as a highly functioning (and obsessively controlled) drug addict. Here is a woman who has so successfully compartmentalized her life that it is possible for her to hold cellphones on which her husband and her lover are calling, to either side of her head and issue a general "can't talk now, love ya" before rushing off to tend to a patient.

Funny, yes, but in a revelatory way. It is not unusual for a working mother to view every relationship in her life as simply a matter of fulfilling the next indicated task, but I don't think it has ever been so wonderfully, and painfully, captured on television before.

Wall Street Journal

Weird stuff, and occasionally annoying. But there's something about Jackie . . . from the moment we see that scrunched face and hear the "Valley of the Dolls" music in the first episode. The show's writers and producers may be trying to force-feed her to us as the health-care equivalent of the whore with a heart of gold. But Ms. Falco manages to shake off clichés and attract us to her for reasons never referred to in the script. The result is a kind of magic worth watching, and it's hard stop watching, no matter what.

The Good: Anne Hathaway looks so glamorous and comfortable and rad that we kinda wonder what she'd do with Gypsy Rose Lee...


The Good: Jane Fonda has mastered glam elegance.


The Good: Loving Jessica Lange's nod to Edith Beale's salad days.


The Good: Headline: ANGELA LANSBURY CHANNELS VICTOR/VICTORIA. Theatre majors swoon.


The Good: So, now that Edie Falco's doing some serious un-glam, it's time to amp it up for the red carpet! Albeit in gently boho fashion.


The Good: Hope Davis' dramatic decollete is one of the evening's best looks. In the metaphysical as well as sartorial sense.


The Dolly: Death, Taxes, Dolly.


The Good: Lauren Graham is one of the awesome emerald brigade of the evening.


The Good: Chandra Wilson is another...


The Good:...Josefina Scaglione makes three!


The Good: Martha Plimpton is Camelot-classy. Seriously, this is vintage-fab.


The Good: Allison Janney brings straight-up Tony no-risk glamour, but there's something to be said for that.


The Good: Julie Chen brings it for all the little girls/Barbie dolls out there.


The Good: Wow! Piper Perabo thrusts herself into our sartorial consciousness!


What Say You? Okay, truth to power: I love Karen Olivo's burlesquey exercise in immoderation, but eager to hear from you!


What Say You? when it comes to Samantha Mathis' little black distressed?


Phyllis Newman is obviously getting some kind of honorary doctorate. What Say You?


The Ugly: The Naked Cowboy Brett Michaels.

[Images via Getty]

• Lindsay Lohan had a "meltdown" in a club in London, which involved saying:

"I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged." Then Lindsay tried to curl up in a ball on the floor. According to this report. [Mirror]

• Brad and Angie to wed??? Apparently someone sent Angelina Jolie all the press clippings about her "relationship problems," so she has decided that she and Brad should get married and put an end to the stories. A rumor about a Brangelina wedding circulates pretty much once a year, so perhaps we were overdue. [Mirror]
• BREAKING: Mariah Carey has been "stuffing her face" while making her album. "She has put on about 15 pounds, but she loves the curves," says a "source." [Page Six]
• Uh-oh: Pete Doherty was arrested in Switzerland after being found "slumped" in the bathroom of a British Airways flight with a needle. [Sunday Mail]
• The Slumdog kids danced to the movie's hit song, "Jai Ho," in a Hong Kong shopping mall on Saturday to raise money for charity. According to this report, "They sang off-key but drew an enthusiastic response." [Hindustan Times]
• Heidi and Spencer were "tortured" on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, by being held in a dark room with only water, rice and beans. Heidi was rushed to the hospital with what was diagnosed as a gastric ulcer; she has been released. If all of this is part of the Speidi attention machine, it's certainly impressive. [TMZ]
• Spencer claims he was locked up for 3 days with no food or water; producers say it was 8-10 hours max, with food and water. [TMZ]
• This report says Heidi and Spencer were in the Lost Chamber for 14 hours. [MSNBC Scoop]
• The production company behind I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here says that "All allegations of the celebrities being deprived of food and water are completely untrue." [Perez]
• Susan Boyle has signed with Ossie Kilkenny, the manager who made u2 millions. [Mirror]
• Chelsy Davy "can't wait" to see Prince Harry at a party this week. or something, This picture, in which Prince Harry's hand seems to be about to grab Prince Harry's crotch, is distracting. [Daily Mail]
• Even though Christina Ricci has called off her engagement, she and her ex-fiancé, Owen Benjamin, went to the movies Saturday night. [TMZ]
• It's hard to even understand how this is a news item, but here it is: Dancing With The Stars' Cheryl Burke has dropped some "excess" pounds and is "enjoying her new figure." [UPI]
• Brooke Shields and the National Enquirer have reached a settlement over the May incident in which two reporters checked Brooke's mom out of a nursing home to get a story. Also: The mag has agreed to make a generous donation to further research on dementia. [UPI]
• Kirsten Dunst: Returning to the Spider-Man franchise for flick number four. Will there be a Spidey wedding? [E!]
• Will Alec Baldwin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick and Tommy Mottola all move into the same gorgeous NYC building? [NY Times]
• Cameron Diaz says her costars on My Sister's Keeper helped her deal with the sudden death of her father: "I was really, really fortunate to have these people to come back to." [People]
• The family of David Carradine is asking the FBI to investigate the actor's death. [Us Magazine, People]
• Want details from David Carradine's death? Click away. [TMZ]
• Kate Hudson's mom, Goldie Hawn, is allegedly worried about Kate dating Alex Rodriguez. A source says: "Kate's had a string of boyfriends since her divorce from Chris Robinson and it's always the same pattern – she falls hard and fast, then gets bored or has her heart broken. Goldie hates the idea of seeing Kate getting hurt again." [Daily Mail]
• Katie "Jordan" Price is "drinking heavily, taking sleeping pills and barely eating" since splitting with husband Peter Andre. [Telegraph]
• This report shows Katie "Jordan" Price very calmly shopping with her kids. [Daily Mail]
• Baby-wipes enthusiast Terrence Howard stopped six lanes of traffic in Beverly Hills to save the life of a baby bird. [Page Six]
• Another day, another Kylie Minogue wedding rumor. This time, her man gave her a rose, so, clearly they are getting hitched. [Daily Mail]
• Will Michael Jackson try and turn his London mansion into the new Neverland? [The Sun]
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway, who were husband and wife in Brokeback Mountain, may reunite in a flick called Love and Other Drugs, an adaptation of Jamie Reidy's nonfiction book Hard Sell: The Evolution of a Viagra Salesman. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• What, what? A film adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love? With Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem? Oookay. [Variety]
• "In a PawNation poll, 70 percent of animal lovers voted Jennifer Aniston as the celeb they would trust to pet sit their furry friend." Mickey Rourke came in second. [E!]
• Patrick Dempsey has a dream, and it involves having a nice bus so he can bring his kids racing with him. [People]
• Composer Benny Andersson of ABBA has contributed one million kronor ($128,000) to the Swedish feminist initiative. [Independent Political Report]
• "She divides her time between California and Colorado, and in both places she lives 'off the grid,' with her own sources of water and power. Her homes are powered by solar panels, her toilets are compost, her cars run on leftover grease from fast-food restaurants […] She wears recycled necklaces made of boiled-down shotgun casings. She has more than 20 animals - horses, alpacas, chickens, dogs, cows - all of which are rescues…" — from a profile on Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• In this interview with Harry Shearer, he talks being part of Spinal Tap and The Simpsons. [LA Times]
• James Caan and Scott Caan play father and son in a new film called Mercy. [LA Times]
• Check out a portrait of Sandra Bernhard by Timothy Greenfield-Sanders (and some information about the relationship between the photographer and the comedian) here. [HuffPo]
• Ooky, spooky, kooky: Bebe Neuwirth is working on a play based on The Addams Family. Snap, snap. [Gatecrasher]
• "There is nothing more humiliating for a stutterer than to have their word or sentence finished for them. I didn't have names for these fears." — from "How I Found My Voice," an essay by Carly Simon. [The Daily Beast]
• Evan Dando of the Lemonheads is suing General Motors, saying the company copied one of his songs for an ad. Dude, have you heard? They don't have any money! You're suing the bankrupt. [AP]
• Jon Voight is suing investors who sued him. [TMZ]
• The woman who inspired the Beatles song "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" is seriously ill. [Newser]
• Blind item! "Which once prominent magazine writer/TV interviewer now appears in elegant homes wearing men's clothes and a fedora? Sighed one jaded observer, 'These days, becoming a lesbian is a career move.'" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which sexy leading man, known for his wandering eye, recently hooked up with a pouty songstress? The raven-haired rocker is a big change from his usual choice of supermodels." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he's actually headed to rehab." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which heartthrob actor nearly cried bloody murder when he couldn't get into a private lounge?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I don't know him. I've never really seen him in interviews either. [But] yeah, he's cute. I'm a huge fan of the Twilight series." — Kelly Clarkson hearts Robert Pattinson! And she wrote a song, "Empty As I Am," inspired by the characters, which might make it on to the New Moon soundtrack. [Mirror]
• "I have people coming up to me all the time on the street and saying, 'My daughter's gay; thank you for this.' People send me e-mails like, 'My mother was going to take away my cellphone (and this and that) because I told her I was gay. She saw the movie and now she says she loves me.' It's a very powerful response. I get a lot of questions from people saying, when is it going to go to Ireland, to India…That gives me hope, that it's such a powerful story, being the truth, that it will transcend these other cultures and get Mary's message across." — Sigourney Weaver, on playing Mary Griffith, who attempted to save her gay son's soul by religious means before his suicide. [LA Times]
• "It's a mix of curiosity, fascination, respect and bewilderment. Twitter freaks me out. You have followers? It feels so obsessive and proprietary. It has great applications, and it's effective, I get it. But 'I did something, I did something else, I'm at it again.' Why? I'm still getting over YouTube, people. These breakthroughs are coming at such velocity that before you get your sea legs, there's another wave hitting you." — Mos Def. [USA Today]
• "I think she's much more raw in the third season. You see everything that's happening to her, so you see her more open and vulnerable, though she's being deceptive. You see her really desperate, which is a different side to her. I've been playing the character for so long now it comes naturally. [That allows me] to be more confident, take more risks, go bigger. In my film work, I'm scared to go too big — it's projected on the big screen and what not — but on Big Love, I feel I have a lot more freedom." — Chloe Sevigny on playing Nicolette "Nicki" Grant. [LA Times]
• "When I was a child my parents threatened to send me to a convent. I've often wondered how that would have worked out. I'd have made a terrible nun. I'm a good Catholic girl in the way that Madonna is. In the sense that I'm not that good at all. If the church is having a hard time recruiting nuns, I'd make an ideal poster girl. 'Become a nun or else end up like her!'" — Heather Graham. [Daily Mail]
• "I am who I am-a regular guy with a great job. How I'm analyzed belongs to someone else. In a few minutes, I've got a kid's game to go to, and then I'm taking our daughter to auditions. Today, that's my job." — Denzel Washington. [Reader's Digest]
• "The problem with Harry Potter is that there is so little controversy. It would be so great for the press if one of them would go off the rails and end up in rehab, but they are, actually, just really sweet guys." — Jason Isaacs, who plays Lucius Malfoy. [Telegraph]
• "The moment that changed me for ever ... was becoming a vegetarian aged 17; my whole life changed. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the woods near my house and felt a connection to the birds and trees." — Chrissie Hynde. [Independent]
• "I really wish I could play, but I don't at all." — Princess Beatrice, on polo. [Telegraph]
• "I never said (I wasn't returning). I just said that I'm not sure. It's called, um, 'negotiating.'" — Paula Abdul on whether she'll return to American Idol. [UPI]
• "When people talk about reincarnation, I always feel that if there is such a thing, this is definitely my first time, because I'm always amazed. I'm both amazed at how horrifically we can treat each other and all other living things, and also amazed at the wonder and the beauty. I'm like: 'Oh my God, look at that bird!' or 'Look at that flower!' literally every single day. I can't get over how people are putting so much energy and so many resources into going to Mars when everything we could ever dream of is on this planet, if we just take care of it. What do they have on Mars? They don't even have oxygen up there!" — Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• "I can never get close. My No. 1 job is always, always, always stand-up. It has to be a no-holds-barred attitude. Let me give you an example. I met Drew Barrymore a couple times. I went to a party at her house. And she said, 'You know, you should come to one of my small dinner parties, we hate the same people.' But if I'm sitting next to Courtney Love and she falls over, I can't not put it in the act. I'm responsible to my audience the way most people feel responsible to their Lord Jesus." — Kathy Griffin. [LA Times]
• "I learned that when you yell, nobody hears you. The best communicators have to live and present themselves in a peaceful manner. And that's going to be a lifelong quest of mine. I don't have a temper. I've never broken everything. I've never thrown a thing. But I have passion. If I feel passionate, you're going to know." — Rosie O'Donnell. [CBS News]
• "It depends where you are in the world. It's not brilliant here in Britain compared to, for example, Scandinavia – maternity leave and everything is different and they're much more clued in to what parents and children need. We still have quite a lot of Victorian principles hanging on, you can see it and feel it." — Emma Thompson, on Britain not being helpful to working mothers. [Daily Express]
• "I'm taking a year off. That's my birthday present to myself. I'm not going to act, write or anything like that. I'll be a mum, teach drama at my daughter's school, I'll cook meals and have fun, go out with my friends, I'll go to movies and not think about working. I'll see what bubbles up after that." — Emma Thompson. [Mirror]
• "I was insane to go on the Spice tour three months after having [my son]Beau. I wouldn't put myself through it again. At the time I was very self conscious about it all. It was awful. I remember being on stage and going numb and thinking everyone was looking at my body and that it wasn't perfect and I was next to the other girls […] Can you believe [Mel B] does 600 [sit ups a day]? That's nuts. Twenty sit ups and I'm done." — Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. [Mirror]
• "I'm convinced he plays for the other team. I even had my gay friends assess the situation" — Bethenny Frankel, joking about her boyfriend, Jason Hoppy. [Page Six]
• "I think what Drew and I found was a connection very similar to the connection between the characters. We adored each other; we played off each other. I can't imagine doing it with anybody else. It's two parts of a whole, really." — Jessica Lange, on Grey Gardens. [LA Times]
• "I'm an awkward kid from Long Island who had a dream about going to New York and becoming an actress. That's who I still am in my core… I fell into this phenomenon. Huge. Huge. This doesn't happen to most people. I'm lucky in that the way I look has never gotten me anything." — Edie Falco. [UPI]
• "I haven't done any exercise since October. I haven't done a thing. So who knows how I'm holding it together." — Kate Winslet. [Daily Mail]

• Contrary to a report in the National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not splitting up. In fact, they're in love. Imagine that! [Us Magazine]

• Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie has been named by Forbes as the "world's most powerful celebrity," stealing the top spot from (dun dun dun…) Oprah Winfrey.Forbes' Celebrity 100 power rankings are based on a combination of earning power and media exposure, and four out of the top five places are held by female stars: In addition to Angie and Oprah, there's Madonna and Beyoncé. Do it, ladies! [Telegraph]
• Interestingly, Forbes chose Beyoncé as their cover model. Maybe Angelina was too busy making out with Brad? [People]
• The Forbes "Celebrity 100" list is here. [Forbes, Forbes]
• Eminem speaks about the Bruno stunt: "Sacha called me when we were in Europe and he had an idea to do something outrageous at the Movie Awards. I'm a big fan of his work so I agreed to get involved with the gag… After the ceremony I went back to my hotel and laughed uncontrollably for about 3 hours. Especially after I saw it on air." [Rap Radar]
• Power ballad showcase showdown: Jake Gyllenhaal and Zac Efron are "neck and neck" to play the lead in the big-screen version of Broadway's Rock of Ages. [Gatecrasher]
• George Clooney is dating another waitress, this time she's an aspiring model in Miami. She looks really tall! [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Ashlee Simpson "had to be restrained" at an event where she was drunk and told her husband Pete Wentz's ex — Michelle Trachtenberg : "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!" [Page Six]
• Did Susan Boyle lose Britain's Got Talent votes due to a YouTube scam? [Telegraph]
• Lindsay Lohan is following Sam Ronson around London, but it seems like every time LL arrives at a club where Samantha is hanging out, Sam leaves. Wonder why? [Daily Mail]
• Oliver Stone and Shia LaBeouf have made a deal: Shia will star in the Wall Street sequel. [Page Six]
• When he's out of town, Kate Hudson watches boyfriend Alex Rodriguez play ball on TV. [Page Six]
• Stephen Colbert will be guest-editing Newsweek's June 8 issue. Is that concept intriguing enough to get you to buy the magazine, at a time when print is flailing? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Oh shit, here comes the Adam Lambert smack-talk. A "source" says: "He is such a diva. Rude to everyone - from fans right down to the lighting folks." Clay Aiken, is that you? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Miley Cyrus fired United Talent, her agency, and will go with CAA instead. UTA had repped her on her Hannah Montana deals, but Miley is probably looking to "grow up." [Deadline Hollywood]
• Oh dear: Christina Ricci and boyfriend Owen Benjamin have called off their engagement, Sad face! In this report is the classic phrase, "They're definitely still friends." [People]
• Kim Kardashian says: "I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidently referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha." [Kim Kardashian.Celebuzz.com]
• From a review of Britney Spears' concert in London: "The costumes are pretty skimpy and there's nowhere the set designers haven't contrived to put a pole for her to gyrate around. And yet there's something unsexy about all of it, possibly because there's something weirdly characterless about the woman at its centre: you'd happily trade some of the special effects for the sense of Spears actually engaging with her audience rather than slickly going through the motions." [Guardian]
• Britney's trying to sell her old house — she even dropped the price by about a million dollars — but no one's buying. People! This is the scene of the famous ambulance ride. Surely you want to… Never mind. [E!]
• LeAnn Rimes is accused of "stalking" Eddie Cibrian in the new Us, but in response to that allegation, she says: "You know what, I'm a classy woman, I'm never ever going to battle anything out in the press." And: "I can't control other people but I can control what I say and what I don't. I refuse to get down on any one else's level and I'm going to take the high road on everything." Okay then! [People]
• The stars of The Hangover — Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis — have a wacky, silly banter off the screen, as well. [USA Today]
• Real Housewives star Bethenny Frankel gave Caroline Kennedy a copy of her book, Naturally Thin. Surely, just what Caroline always wanted. [Gatecrasher]
• Eyeroll: Kristin Cavallari threw glitter at some models during a fashion show in St. Maarten and almost got in a fight, yawn. [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson's divorce — what with the real estate being held in trust for the kids and millions in the bank — is going to be messy. [TMZ]
• Mel Gibson's pregnant ladyfriend has an ex-husband who was married to her for five months. He says: "It's a period of my life that I would rather forget." Asked what his former wife was like, the man sniped, "You should ask all the other men - there were enough of them!" [Daily Express]
• While on break from shooting Dollhouse, Eliza Dushku visited Uganda and met with former child soldiers who are trying to reintegrate themselves back into society. "You learn so much that you would never be able to read in a book ... meeting people and hearing stories firsthand," Dushku says. "I can't bear to hear people say that they're bored in this day and age." [AP]
• Edie Falco says being the star of Nurse Jackie is different from playing Carmela on The Sopranos: "It really feels like changing careers in a way. [Sopranos creator David Chase] oversaw everything; we called him the master cylinder. We all had our input, but it ultimately trickled down to David alone in a room somewhere, I imagined, making all the decisions. I had trust in that. [But at Jackie], they're asking for my input on levels I've never been asked before. That's revelatory for me, and it takes a great deal of chutzpah, confidence, to be able to say that. I really am just an actress." [USA Today]
• Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen will be in the teen romance film Beastly, a retelling of Beauty and the Beast. [Variety]
• "Stephen Fry and Ricky Gervais defend science writer sued for libel." [Telegraph]
• "Jude Law stuns the critics with a 'lucid, excellent' performance of Hamlet." [Daily Mail]
• Terrence Howard will develop a a TV drama based on the life of undercover LAPD detective Ronald Farwell, who infiltrated the Black Panthers. [Variety]
• Not-so-blind item: "Which rehabbed starlet is back in the tangled web of getting drunk every night?" [Gatecrasher]
• "It was just a comment that you make, the same comment when you're 12. He just made it when he was 38 or however old he is. They had a friend over last night who is gay. I have two gay brothers. It was not done with malice, because I know them. It was a slip of the tongue. His "uh-oh" moment. Let's give Joe his "uh-oh" moment. We all get them. The Joe I know has no phobias, has no discrimination, he has family members that are gay. He has friends that are gay. He welcomes and embraces my two brothers that are gay." — Caroline Manzo, of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, on Teresa's husband, Joe, calling someone "gaylord." [E!]
• "It did take a lot of work. I thought it was gonna drop off easily because I had been in shape my whole life, but it wasn't. I gained about 50 pounds with my twins, and the first 30 dropped off like that, and I was like, 'Ha, this is gonna be so easy.' That last 20 - that took a while." —Jennifer Lopez, on losing her "baby weight." [Mirror]
• "First of all, you gotta run them around before the bath. Play a game of hide and seek or wrestle or muck around. Then they're exhausted. Then we all fall asleep on the bed!" — Hugh Jackman's secret to getting the kids to go to sleep. [People]
• "I'm reaching out to Susan. She should hook up with me and [Catholic classical trio]The Priests. We would be the world's first gospel supergroup. I think it's horrible people have been making fun of her. Susan just wants to love Jesus and sing – it's cute. Only I can help her out of her meltdown." — Beth Ditto wants to hang with Susan Boyle. [The Sun]
• "Filming a scene that involves being entirely naked and takes a couple days can be a little awkward. Thankfully you're there for so long and you're doing it for so long that you dispense with the awkwardness pretty quickly and start to have mundane, normal conversations – the difference being you're not wearing pants." — Ryan Reynolds, on letting it all hang out in The Proposal. [People]
• "In the movies, you often see the average-looking guy with the incredibly attractive woman. In my movies you see the average-looking woman with the super hot John Corbett. I'm happy to make those movies for all of us women. Guess what? We need people like me on screen. That's what movies are. You go and escape for a sec." — Nia Vardalos, whose directorial debut, My Life In Ruins, opens tomorrow. [LA Times]
• "They are men. They have desires. They have testosterone. If they make a mistake, I'm not going to hate them. I don't think they are above or below being seduced. I would be foolish if I thought that. I pray for them." — Denise Jonas, mother of the Jonas Brothers, worries that your slutty Jezebel lifestyle includes tarnishing her purity-ring wearing sons. [MSNBC]

• The Pennsylvania Department of Labor is investigating whether Jon and Kate Plus 8 is complying with child labor laws. A spokeswoman for the department says there was a complaint, but a TLC rep says: "TLC fully complies with all applicable laws and regulations..."

• "Jon & Kate Plus 8 is no exception. For an extended period of time, we have been engaged in cooperative discussions and supplied all requested information to the Pennsylvania Department of Labor. We will continue to engage the appropriate officials and meet any standards or regulations that are applicable to TLC productions." [TMZ]
• Star harassed Jon Gosselin's mother at her home in Pennsylvania. She said, "I don't think [Jon] will ever be portrayed fairly... It's always twisted." [Star]
• At a progress report hearing today, a judge said Redmond O'Neal is "responding well" to drug treatment. [The Daily Mail]
• Angelina Jolie was injured today on the set of Salt and taken to the hospital. She got a nick between her eyes and bled a bit but she will be fine. [TMZ]
• Angelina was only taken to the hospital as a precaution because she bumped her head and got a scratch. She's already resumed filming. [People]
• Britney Spears is being sued for running over photographer Rick Mendoza when she was pulling out of a parking lot in 2007. He says Brit's people, who are also defendants, "should have known...Britney was not in the mental, emotional and/or physical condition to operate the subject motor vehicle in a safe and reasonable manner." A video of the incident show Brit only ran over his foot after honking repeatedly as paparazzi circled her car. Plus, she gets upset and Mendoza says he's fine. [TMZ]
• Britney Spears filmed an ad for Logo's NewNowNext Awards that spoofs her perfume ads. In the ad for the fake fragrance she says, "Mo. One spray and the gays will run your way." Logo executive producer Christopher Willey says, "She's having fun with her gay audience, because she's an official gay icon." [Perez Hilton]
• Anna Wintour talked with Rihanna at the Met Gala and said she wanted her for the cover of Vogue. A source says, "Anna told her Vogue absolutely loves her and really wanted to work with her. Rihanna was ecstatic." But now that nude photos which may or may not be Rihanna have surface, Wintour won't return her calls. [ONTD]
• Eve has taken Tweeted an attack on Chris Brown. She says, "He's guilty until proven innocent, and no man should ever raise a hand to a woman. I'm so sick of people kissin' his ass." She added: "a clip of him saying he isnt a monster...yeh motherfucker u are. let him or any other man come to me with power fists..id fuck him up.." She wrote that Rihanna is "beautiful and talented" and deserves better. "finally,no we dont no wat happened that night, all i no, is seein rihannas beautiful face bruised and upset..thats enuff 4 me," she said. [Star]
• Karen Sala, a Canadian woman who claims to have known Keanu Reeves since childhood, says she wants him to provide DNA samples to prove he is the father of her children and pay $150,000 per month in child support, plus $3 million. By the way, the kids are 20 and 25 years old. [Perez Hilton]
• As mentioned in Midweek Madnesss, Spencer Pratt used to be called "the King of Weed," before he went to rehab for pot and prescription medication. He still dabbles, but he's lost his crown. [Star]
• Mel Gibson's pregnant girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is suing a web hosting company that bought the site OksanaGrigorieva.com. She says they are cyber squatting and put false information up to make it look like her official site. [TMZ]
• You can watch the trailer for Toy Story 3 here: [Perez Hilton]
• Adam Lambert responded to Clay Aiken blogging that his voice makes his ears want to bleed. Lambert said: "I don't know Clay. I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him." [Perez Hilton]
• On The View today when American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi was asked about Adam Lambert's sexuality, she said, I don't think that Adam was ever in [the closet]." [People]
• Roger Moore, who took over the role of James Bond after Sean Connery, said, "Looking at Sean, I realize how damn good he was. I can't believe I had the ego, when I took over, to think I could replace him." He says his Bond was lighter than Connery's because, "I couldn't be the tough Bond that Sean was." [Reuters]
• Candy Spelling wrote on the Huffington Post that reporters shouldn't have published headlines reading "Candy Spelling: Tori's Actions Killed My Husband Aaron Spelling," because all she actually said was Tori Spelling's abandonment cost Aaron Spelling his will to live. She writes, "I didn't intend to create headlines. I was asked a question about my daughter not speaking with my family, and I answered truthfully. My husband was very ill, and he had stopped eating and taking liquids. He called Tori on a daily basis, and never stopped asking if Tori had returned his call. We had to say no every day." [The Huffington Post]
• Kim Kardashian told The Sun: "I definitely want to get married again, that's the best part of life - finding that person you can be with forever and have a really good relationship with ... I've been through a marriage and divorce and I don't want to do that again, I'm definitely more cautious and I'll make sure I don't jump into anything too quickly this time." The paper thinks this is good news for British men because she also said she likes accents. Too bad she's already engaged. [The Sun]
• '80s rapper Tone Loc collapsed during a concert in Florida. He was complaining about the humidity earlier in the evening, and may have a history of seizures. [Perez Hilton]
• Chace Crawford's Gossip Girl costar Connor Paolo said he'll dance well in Footloose "Chace has got a lot of upper body stuff going on. He raises the roof a lot," said Paolo adding, "Come on, anything Chace does will work for him." [People]
• Blake Lively, whose Gossip Girl character lives in the penthouse of the Palace Hotel, says, "I don't know if I could live in a hotel. I need a kitchen because I love to cook, but I love the Palace Hotel so much! I had my 21st birthday here. It was a black tie formal, and I had it downstairs in the Madison Room. It's one of my favorite hotels in the city by far." [Observer]
• Though Liam Gallagher has always hated Blur, he said of their comeback, "I'm right into the Blur reunion, 'cos it'll finish off the Kaiser Chiefs and put them to bed...There's nothing worse than a s*** Blur. And at least the original s*** Blur are back to finish off all these other s*** Blurs." [The Sun]
• Christian Bale says his father is the driving force behind his career. "He was very adamant that the greatest thing to be fearful of in life was being boring and being bored," said Bale. [The Telegraph]
• Ozzy Osbourne is suing Black Sabbath bandmate Tony Iommi who claimed sole ownership of the band's name in a filing with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. Osbourne says 50 percent of the name and the profits are his. []
• British glamour model Katie Pierce walked the runway for the first time since her split with Peter Andre. She was modeling a neon pink cropped t-shirt and hotpants, which is part of her equestrian clothing line. [Mirror]
• Jane Fonda posted on her website about her 1970 mug shot photo. She writes that she had been on a college speaking tour protesting the Vietnam war, and when she was returning from a college in Canada, "at the Cleveland airport all my luggage was seized and gone through. They discovered a large bag containing little plastic envelopes marked (in red nail polish) ‘B', ‘L', ‘D'–signifying breakfast, lunch and dinner- that contained the vitamins I took with each meal. They confiscated that as well as my address book (which was photocopied) and arrested me for drug smuggling. I told them what they were but they said they were getting orders from the White House–that would be the Nixon White House. I think they hoped this "scandal" would cause the college speeches to be canceled and ruin my respectability. I was handcuffed and put in the Cleveland Jail, which is when the mug shot was taken. (I had just finished filming "Klute" so, yes, it was the Klute haircut)." [JaneFonda.com]
• Susan Boyle is staying at a "safe house" as she prepares for Saturday's Britain's Got Talent final because she is feeling too much media pressure. Judge Piers Morgan said, "She had a rocky moment a couple of days ago when she woke up and saw some very negative headlines and suddenly felt the pressure of world attention. You have to remember this is someone who has gone from complete anonymity to global stardom in the space of six weeks. It's understandable. People should give her a bit of slack. She's 24 hours from the biggest day of her life and she's starting to feel the heat." [BBC
• Edie Falco says starring in Showtime's Nurse Jackie is different than working on The Sopranos because, "My work stuff doesn't have the same intense desperation it used to have, and now that the desperation is gone, it's more about doing the work because I love to do it, not because it's the only thing that matters to me." As for the show's success, she says, "If people respond, great. If not, onto the next thing. I'd be sad, but that's life." [Newsweek]
• Apparently Fergie sent Alanis Morrisette a butt-shaped cake after she did a cover of "My Humps." Newsweek wants to know if Alanis ate it. She says: "I had every intention of eating it, but then I had this party at my house and all my friends were putting their fingers between the cheeks, taking pictures with it. So after everyone had touched it, the butt wasn't very sanitary." [Newsweek]
• Kanye West writes on his blog that the version of his video for Paranoid that leaked to the internet isn't the final cut. He says, "IT HURTS ME TO SEE THE OLD AND VERY WRONG VERSION OF THE PARANOID VIDEO GET LEAKED ALL OVER THE NET WHILE I WAS ON AN 11 HR FLIGHT AND COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. IT'S JUST FRUSTRATING WHEN THIS STUFF HAPPENS BECAUSE I REALLY CARE ABOUT THE PRODUCT AND SINCE VIDEOS NEVER GET PLAYED ANY WAY YOU MIGHT AS WELL TWEAK THEM AND MAKE THEM AS SPECIAL AS POSSIBLE. THE VERSION THAT GOT LEAKED FROM THE CAMERA PHONE LAST WEEK IS AT LEAST A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE FINAL PRODUCT. THANK YOU EVERYBODY FOR YOUR SUPPORT BUT THAT VIDEO WAS NOT UP TO MY STANDARDS." [Perez Hilton]

[Queens, May 27. Image via AP]

[New York, April 29. Image via WENN]

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's former bodyguard Mickey Brett might pen a tell-all or sell a TV show based on his life working for the A-list couple.

The thing is, how juicy can it possibly be? We're not talking Courtney Love-style antics with those two; it's probably like, strollers, diapers, sex, travel, diapers, diapers, sex, movie set, diapers, diapers diapers. (Sex!) [MSNBC]

• Angelina and Brad's "hot shot" attorney, Marty Singer, is calling the bodyguard a "pathological liar." [LA Times]
• As part of the trial, the court has learned that Tyra's stalker slipped into her TV studio asking to see his "very good friend." [NY Daily News]
• Parts of Heidi and Spencer's wedding had to be retaped after a generator went out in the church. Romantic! [Page Six]
• Chris Noth has indeed signed on for Sex And The City 2 Electric Boogaloo or Sex And The City 2 The Streets or whatever but Sarah Jessica Parker says she doesn't know if Carrie and Big will have kids. She also has no "clue" whether Dancing With The Stars phenom Gilles Marini will be in the sequel but my Magic 8 Ball says: Duh. [E!]
• Marc Jacobs is helping Madonna and Jesus Luz stay together! A source spills: "[Marc] wrote a letter of support for Jesus' work permit. Marc campaigned for Jesus, saying he is highly talented and a necessity to the label." Also, this report calls Madge a " well-connected cougar." Let's all get reductive! [MSNBC]
• Sniffle! According to this source, when Jesus Luz walked in a recent fashion show, "None of the other models would talk to Jesus or even look at him. They were gossiping like catty girls about how they couldn't wait for his career to fizzle out." Then they wouldn't let him play any reindeer games. [Gatecrasher]
• Casey Aldridge has been hospitalized since Sunday when he flippped his pickup truck and suffered a head injury; he will be moved from the ICU on Monday. [People]
• Rihanna is in Barbados with a "Chris Brown lookalike," which basically means the guy is black. [Daily Mail]
• "I try to be a friend for Miley," Billy Ray Cyrus says. "I know that's not everyone's parenting style… A friend, partner as an actor, a singer, songwriter and let her be a teenage girl and do her thing." Is that why you guys have matching highlights? [MSNBC]
• Uh, what? Susan Boyle has issued an ultimatum to Simon Cowell: "Let me sing or I'll quit the show." Apparently she is miffed that she has to wait five weeks before her next appearance on Britain's Got Talent. [Daily Express, The Sun]
• There are several horrifying things about this story involving Michael Jackson and his kids shopping at the Ed Hardy store in L.A.: First, the children are wearing school uniforms and feathered masquerade masks; second, MJ is wearing a fedora, headscarf, surgical mask and hideous green blazer; third, Michael Jackson's PANTS are BEYOND FUG. [Daily Mail]
• Robert Pattinson will star in a romantic drama called Remember Me, the story of a young couple whose relationship is complicated by a series of family tragedies. He'll be shooting in New York, so get ready to stalk the sparkly vampire in the gritty city. The leading lady role has not yet been cast: Who do you think it should be? [Mirror]
• In this video, Lost's Evangeline Lily talks about Jack and Sawyer. Uh, Matthew Fox and Josh Holloway. Anyway there's a nanosecond in which Sawyer has his shirt off and he is kissing Kate so click for that. [Breitbart]
• Snoop Dogg was in court yesterday, denying that he hit a dude with a brass-knuckle microphone. The guy in question has testified that he woke up backstage, naked and in a pool of blood; Snoop's position on this is that the man ran up on stage and security intervened, thinking Snoop was being attacked. [AP]
• "Intimate" pictures of Carla Bruni and an ex-lover were stolen during a burglary in Paris and apparently the "thieves appeared to know exactly what they were looking for." [Daily Mail]
• Here's a "cute" story about Justin Timberlake pressuring Jessica Biel to get wasted: "Everyone was doing shots of tequila, but Jess said she didn't want to drink anymore. Justin good-naturedly insisted, so she pulled her hair back and drank up!" [Gatecrasher]
• For $40, superfans can take a Gossip Girl bus tour of New York, and see the locations which serve as the homes and school of the characters. Just remember, only plebes take the bus. [Gothamist]
• Renée Zellweger turned 40 and Dan Abrams, Hugh Grant, Bradley Cooper, Neil Patrick Harris, Madonna, Kelly Ripa and Harry Connick Jr. were among the revelers. [Page Six]
• That dude Marilyn is still telling anyone who will listen that he was in a relationship with Gavin Rossdale in the '80s. [Daily Express]
• Pharrell Williams has been getting laser removal of his tattoos, which looks traumatizing, and now he's wearing a sling he made from a Burberry scarf. Ink removal must be really really really painful. [The Life Files, The Life Files]
• Something something financial crisis something something Aussie bank ANZ something something spent $1 million bringing Paris and Nicky Hilton to Australia for a New Year's Eve party in Sydney. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Shirley Jones, the mom on The Partridge Family, will be topless on an upcoming episode of A&E's The Cleaner. This report snipes, "We hope with her back to the camera." [Page Six]
• Edie Falco says she would gladly do a Sopranos flick: "I don't actually see it happening, but I've been surprised before." [E!]
• The Daily Fail asked Joan Collins how she would makeover Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, and Joan was delighted and thorough: "Camilla should invest in a one-piece bodysuit that hugs her figure and pulls her in at the waist. And shoulder pads are excellent for improving shape. […] A richer, honey-blonde shade, with paler highlights at the front and sides, would bring light to her face. […] Finally, Camilla's mouth is crying out for a strong-coloured lipstick." [Daily Mail]
• Don Johnson will play a "mustachioed porn director" in Born To Be A Star, the porn-themed Adam Sandler comedy. The plot? A small-town nerd learns his quiet and demure parents were famous porn stars in the 70s, and this inspires him to head for Hollywood and fullfill his destiny banging on camera. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Amanda Peet has joined the cast of Gulliver's Travels, which stars Jack Black. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Dynasty star Linda Evans is the winner of the UK's Hell's Kitchen 2009. [Daily Mail]
• A lady is suing Wolfgang Puck due to a terrible incident which occurred in the bathroom of his Beverly Hills restaurant Spago, which I'd prefer not to get into so early in the day. [TMZ]
• Blind item! "Which Oscar winner's girlfriend won't let him get to third base? She's afraid of STDs." [Gatecrasher]
• "They tried to arrest me in Russia, for leather at St. Basil's. But all is calm in the red square, as I leave the east Parisbound." — Lady GaGa. [Perez]
• "I've actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration. When I hit a period of not being able to write music, I get up and walk away. It's pretty mean but it's true." — Lily Allen. [Daily Express]
• "I've had to end good relationships, and I know how we talked about them, and tried to be nice and everything, but I think ... maybe that bruised a little bit more on the other side than I noticed, or than it did me. Because when you flip it over, I know there were times when I was the dumpee or whatever, and I was like, 'No way am I showing her how much this is hurtin.'" — Matthew McConaughey. [USA Today]
• "Steve-O was scared and nervous, we needed to take him to the mental ward — I instructed the guys that if he doesn't want to go, knock him out, but he went and he's actually doing really good now. He's in so much a better place now and I'm really proud of him." — Johnny Knoxville. [The Star]
• "It's true that I've never had a burning desire to rebel against my parents. But in other respects I think I have rebelled. I mean, I rebelled against my record label when they wanted to shelve me, and I've rebelled against people trying to push me around in the recording studio. To me, that's always been much more exciting than going out and getting drunk. I remember at high school trying to cheer up my girlfriends who were crying in the bathroom after some party when they couldn't remember who they'd made out with the night before. You see, I don't ever want to be that girl in the bathroom crying." — Taylor Swift. [Telegraph]
• "We try to protect ourselves from being fully in love and fully open and fully vulnerable, and really all we're doing is protecting ourselves from love and real love and the opportunity to really learn and grow with another person, so it's actually really detrimental, and you think it's helping." - Pink. [Yahoo News via AP]
• "The Type A thing is a big misunderstanding. It's funny to me that I have been portrayed as a closed-off, uptight person. I'm very open. Type A is my blood type." — Reese Witherspoon. [Elle UK]

The Good:
Gayle King does polished, classic.


Ivanka Trump looks pristine, like she's not prone to dripping cocktail sauce on herself. Unlike some of us.


Edie Falco says, referring to her new hospital show, that she's not afraid of the sight of blood. Which makes me want to say something about the color of her dress. Which is nice.


Diane von Furstenberg, en plein forme.


Debra Messing has kinda been rocking the classics of late. The shoes? I think she works.


I'm not normally a fan of red and black combos, but Tory Burch provides a pretty twist on classic glam.


I love how retro and intellectual and furtive both John Turturro and Katherine Borowitz look!


For those who don't know, Fran Lebowitz is a famed wit, New York fixture, Graydon Carter crony, and perennial on VF's "best-dressed list" because of her unflagging commitment to well-tailored menswear. Anyway, she's awesome.


The Bad:


Publicist Peggy Siegal's five different elements might have worked on their own, but in combo? The effect is somewhat eccentric.

[Images via Getty]

• None other than the National Fisheries Institute has responded to Entourage actor Jeremy "Thermometer" Piven's claims that he has suffered from mercury poisoning.

The organization says: "People in Japan eat 154 pounds of fish a year on average. If Piven ate 6 ounces of fish a day for his whole life, he'd still eat less than the average Japanese. Despite this, there is no public health concern about mercury in Japan." [YouTube]

• The good news? We have more info about Amy Poehler's new sitcom: She'll play a mid-level bureaucrat in an Indiana city parks and recreation department who's looking to get ahead. It's a "comedic take on how government works in an American town." The bad news? It doesn't start until April. [AP]
• Hollywood will descend on Washington, D.C. for the inauguration festivities. Between the Creative Coalition party, the MoveOn.org bash, the Huffington Post party and the DNC Hispanic Caucus Gala, the town will host Sting, Adrian Grenier, Anne Hathaway, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Trudie Styler, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Peter Saarsgaard, Rosario Dawson, Michael Stipe, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, Sheryl Crow, Tom Hanks, Ed Harris and Ron Howard, among others. Oh, and, of course, Oprah. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Aretha Franklin loves Barack Obama! She says: “I heard him sing a fabulous version of "Chain Of Fools" at an event in Detroit last year. He has a good, melodic voice.” [Daily Express]
• Beyoncé will sing for the Obamas' first inaugural dance. Will it be a version of Etta James' "At Last"? [Concrete Loop]
• Sigh: The end of the Bush administration means the end of David Letterman's "Great Moments In Presidential Speeches." There will be a retrospective tonight! [AP]
• What's up with the Sex And The City sequel? Even though Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall seem to think the next flick is a realistic possibility, Chris Noth "doesn't think it's gonna happen" and Evan "Harry Goldenblatt" Handler says: "I have no idea whether it will happen or not." Maybe there are no dudes in part 2? [E!]
• Toni Colette says of United States Of Tara: "When I read the script, it was like a juicy page-turner that was full of surprises, and it made me laugh out loud. It was very moving, and as soon as I finished reading it, I was like, 'Yep, I'm doing it.'" The series starts Sunday! [USA Today]
• Uh-oh: Hollywood studios are going to cut back on the lucrative pay deals movie stars get due to a decline in DVD sales. This is how it starts! Next thing you know, you're merely rich instead of incredibly wealthy. [FT]
• St. Lucia's Tourism Minister is thanking Amy Winehouse for bringing publicity to the Caribbean island; he says every picture shows Winehouse smiling or interacting with the locals, and the overall impact has been positive. "Any edge that you can get, you hang on to it," says Allen Chastanet. [Mirror]
• Lance Bass has been talking about a 'N Sync reunion, but JC Chasez says: "No. We haven't discussed anything like that. I don't know. Honestly, I can't speak for him or as to why he would say that but I know nothing about one." Ouch. Tearin' up my heart! [Perez]
• Little Edie enthusiasts: How do we feel about this "first look" at Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange in Grey Gardens? [Just Jared]
• Lily Allen has done this before, but she recently showed Dutch TV her third nipple. In addition, she reveals she has a Homer Simpson tattoo, but when she finds out that Krusty The Clown also has a superfluous nipple, you can almost see her thinking "Dammit, maybe I should have gotten the clown." Click for video! [Perez]
• Oh, Lily Allen is not wearing pants on the cover of Spin. [ONTD]
• Isla Fisher's eyebrows sorta jump out at you from the cover of Allure, but maybe that's due to the nude lip? [ONTD]
• A dude who runs a head shop talks about how Brad Pitt used to come in all the time. "He came in once and was excited about smoking with one of his very big-name co-stars. 'We blaze (smoke pot) every day in his trailer,' Brad boasted. He had a huge grin on his face." [ONTD]
• Edie Falco is coming back to TV: She'll shoot a Showtime series called Nurse Jackie, which airs this summer. And! She might return to 30 Rock as Jack's love interest, even though she says when she first worked on the show: "I was actually very scared. You watch Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey; it's like they are speaking Swahili. It's like, 'What the hell is this?' " [E!]
• Conan O'Brien will officially be out of work come February 20, and Jimmy Fallon starts March 2. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Cindy McCain was supposed to be on Dancing With The Stars, but John put the kibosh on it? [Page Six]
• Blind item! "What funnyman’s wife caught him in bed with another man? Sister straight-up dumped her dude after catching that class act." [Gatecrasher]
• So. The Gossip Girl spinoff. A teen romance between Lily van der Woodsen and Rufus Humphrey. Set in the '80s, in the L.A. music scene. Could be awesome, could be awful. [Gatecrasher]
• Whoops, Whoopi Goldberg accidentally called Josh Brolin James at an awards show. [Gatecrasher]
• Whitney Houston will perform at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party? We want to see! [Page Six]
• Ugh: Why the hell is accomplished race car driver Danica Patrick showering in this web domain commercial? [USA Today]
• This paper says of Kylie Minogue's new Spanish hunk, who sorta looks like Olivier Martinez: "He's tall with smouldering Latin looks and a fear of commitment. Is it true love for Kylie or DEJA PHEW!" [The Sun]
• Casey Affleck is directing a documentary feature on Joaquin Phoenix, his friend and brother-in-law. Phoenix's new career? He is becoming a rapper, and his album will be produced by Sean Combs. This is not a joke. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Sean Combs says of the Notorious BIG movie: "My experiences with Biggie happened when we were still young, and to be honest, it was kind of weird to see myself that way on screen." [WSJ]
• Howie Mandel says that since he's a germaphobe, being in the hospital for an irregular heartbeat was very difficult: "I wouldn't put on the gown or the customary clothing. I remained clothed and in my boots on the gurney and in the hospital!" [People]
• Billy Ray Cyrus was seen riding his motorcycle without a helmet in L.A., which is illegal. Doesn't he know the helmet gives you anonymity? Ask Brad Pitt! [Perez]
• Congrats to Monica Seles, who was elected to the International Tennis Hall of Fame yesterday. [UPI]
• TV adventure man Bear Grylls and his wife Shara have a new baby boy: Huckleberry Edward Jocelyne Grylls. Welcome to the world, Huck. [People]
• Aerosmith's in Venezuela and Joe Perry's in the hospital; he had a knee replacement last March and suddenly needed a second operation, stat. [E!]
• By the by, Steven Tyler says he and Joe Perry never battled over women: "Well, we didn’t compete, but we did share. And the crabs won." He also says his first sexual experience: "was at the age of seven with twins." And the band had a rule: "You didn’t have sex for 10 days at the end of tour, but that was so you’d be sure to go home with a full cup of chowder." As the kids say: Vom. [ONTD]
• Oh dear, is there bullying going on in the Celebrity Big Brother house? And is Coolio at the center of it? A communications watchdog organization is investigating. [The Sun]
• Boy George will be sentenced today for falsely imprisoning a male escort. He could get three months in jail or 300 hours of community service. [Daily Express]
• Guy Ritchie was seen dining at a NYC restaurant and not paying attention to the table full of "young model types" he was with. [Page Six]
• Nostalgia alert: The Trumps used to race the Kennedys on the ski slopes. [Page Six]
• "The reality is that Kids was my first film, and when I did it people thought that I was like the character, and that is one of the reasons that Spike Lee wanted to hire me for He Got Game. When he met me and saw that I wasn't that person he appreciated that I had actually acted in that part, and he was really great with me and forced me to be stronger in my acting." — Rosario Dawson. [Independent]
• "I still love everybody that I’ve ever had a relationship with. I am friends with them all. When I met Chris [Robinson] it was like nothing else. I had no question that I was going to have a kid with him. Every rule went out the window. We were telling each other we loved each other by the fourth day and I moved in within a week. I had no question that we were going to get married. He’s still a permanent fixture in my life, But I believe our love changed its form, it shifted. I don’t think we were meant to be married, but I think we were meant to have a child and we have this amazing little boy together – therefore we’ll be together our entire lives. Whoever he ends up with, whoever I end up with, we’ll always be together." — Kate Hudson. [Mirror]
• "I have never really understood how I should feel or behave in a relationship,” the former child star reveals. “I didn’t have the kind of childhood or family life that would have given me any perspective on what a happy home or relationship would feel like. So I haven’t had as much success in my relationships as I would have liked… You can’t live your life blaming your failures on your parents and what they did or didn’t do for you. You’re dealt the cards that you’re dealt. I realised it was a waste of time to be angry at my parents. The best thing I can do is use all the things I’ve learned from them, good and bad, have my own family someday and just keep on going." — Drew Barrymore[Mirror]
• "Every time you buy a Nirvana record, part of that money is not going to Kurt's child, or to me, it's going to a handful of Jew loan officers, Jew private banks, it's going to lawyers who are also bankers." — Ladies and gentlemen: Ms. Courtney Love. [Page Six]

When Maggie G. goes glam, she rarely puts a foot wrong.
Bold, yes. But if anyone can pull off a silk tap suit, it's a confident 20-year-old like Blake Lively.
I hate it when people are just ID'd as someone's date — in this case Gary Oldman's -— especially when they've taken the time to dress so nicely.
It must be hard for secret Englishman and Gossip Girl cad Ed Westwick to have such a naturally evil look to him all the time, even when he's trying to attend a film premiere on a Monday night in a nice khaki suit.

The Bad
I was afraid the fact that this was Lauren Conrad was hurting my objectivity, so I called my boyfriend (who doesn't know about stuff) over and innocently asked him what he thought of this dress. He reflected, and finally said that the skirt was okay, but "the top part sucks." This was my initial reaction, too.
I feel like we've seen Edie Falco look awkward on the red carpet before. And she's such a good actress! But there's something exceedingly awkward about this ensemble; she looks super harsh.
I don't really know why Karina Smirnoff has become a red carpet fixture. A lifetime of ballroom dance costumes seems to have had a serious impact on her aesthetic.

[Images via Getty]

• Mariah Carey, 38, is engaged to Wild 'N Out star Nick Cannon, 27. Yeah, weird. Did you even know they knew each other? [Access Hollywood]
  
• And, um, the ring Nick gave Mariah is the same one he gave his former fiancé, Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks. That is just Tackée Harry. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Madonna humped Justin Timberlake in during her show at New York City's Roseland. The more things change, the more they stay the same, no? [E!]
  
• A second nanny in the Rob Lowe case has filed a cross complaint and it says that Rob's wife Sheryl sexually harassed her by walking around naked and asking about the size of the nanny's boyfriend's penis. (Apparently the boyfriend is a 7 foot former NBA player.) But yeah, from an employer? Ew. [TMZ]
  
• The nanny also says the wife was "perverted, disgusting and crude." [People]
  
• Meanwhile, Rob Lowe's lawyer says the allegations are false, obvs. [People]

• Michelle Williams and daughter Matilda have been "hounded out" of New York by continued harrassment from paparazzi. She's considering leaving her home in Brooklyn. [News.com.au]
• Amy Winehouse is now rumored to be sleeping with Babyshambles guitarist Mik Whitnall. So in addition to Blake Wood and Alex Haines, she's keeping busy while Blake Incarcerated is away. If these rumors are true, that is. [The Sun]
• John Mayer: Seen not flirting with girls. Maybe he's actually into Jennifer Aniston? [Page Six]
• Aww, Jen and John "already miss each other." Hey, whatever makes you happy. [People]
• Kate Moss is moving a man into her home, but it's not her boyfriend Jamie Hince; it's her hairdresser, James Brown. He feels good. [Mirror]
• Lindsay Lohan's dad: Getting engaged to girlfriend Erin Page. How will LL feel about getting a stepmom? [Page Six]
• Um, Lindsay's new album will feature a song written by Snoop Dogg. For shizzle. [The Sun]
• Old news blind item: "Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which wonky reality show star quietly checked into a California rehab center only to head for the exits when the staff said they would be searching her bags? Wait, you mean you can't take drugs into rehab?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Britney Spears will be spending a supervised Mother's Day with her sons; she bought Sean Preston and Jayden James t-shirts that read "Mama's Boy." [Rush & Molloy]
• The repo man took Lil' Kim's Bentley away, sob! [TMZ]
• Pete Wentz is being suing by a dude who claims Pete beat him up at a Fall Out Boy show last year. Dude, that's not something you admit. [TMZ]
• Edie Falco adopted a baby girl from Florida. Daughter Macy joins older brother Anderson, who is 3. Congrats! [People]
• Rosie O'Donnell no longer has a crush on Tom Cruise; adjust accordingly. [MSNBC]
• Meanwhile, Tom Cruise's two-part Oprah interview includes candid talk about his personal life: Suri, Katie and Scientology. Tune in Friday and Monday to see. [Yahoo News]
• Tina Turner, 68: Going on tour! [AP]
• Usher wants to team up with Michael Bublé and John Mayer. Musically. You know, singing. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Diddy's in the booze biz, you know that, right? He's the brand manager for Ciroc Vodka. [Variety]
• T.R. Knight MIGHT marry his boyfriend, UCLA student Marc Cornelsen, on June 4 when Knight hosts the Matthew Shepard Foundation's group commitment ceremony for same-sex couples in West Hollywood. There's really no indication that he will, but it would be awesome. [E!]

• Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and all of their kids have hit the French Riviera. They're staying in a villa owned by Microsoft's Paul Allen that has breathtaking views of the Mediterranean Sea. A source says: "They love France and will now be here until after the babies are born and Angie is looking at Marseille hospitals as a potential place to give birth." [E!]
  
• These rumors about Mariah Carey marrying Nick Cannon will not die. Could they possibly be true??? [People]
  
• Gossip Girl gossip: Girl-on-girl action is on its way! [Perez Hilton]
  
• Plus! Lisa Loeb will make a cameo on Gossip Girl, playing a socialite. Hee! [LA Times]
  
• Paula Abdul spaced out or went cuckoo or something on American Idol. You can watch it here. [EW]

• Gwyneth Paltrow has broken her toes 30 times. She says: "I don't know what's wrong with me. Say there's a coffee table that's been there eight years. One day I'll just not know it's there and bash into it and break my toe." Is her macrobiotic diet giving her brittle bones or something? [Mirror]
• Gwyneth was also seen visiting a back specialist. And yet! She wears high-ass heels on the red carpet. [Daily Mail]
• Another story about Charlie Sheen and hookers, yawn. Although: His silk robe with"C. MaSheen'" embroidered over the pocket? Nice touch. [Page Six]
• Britney's brother Bryan Spears is dating actress Ivana Milicevic. You've seen her, she's been on TV and in a bunch of movies. [Page Six]
• Britney was seen walking around a spa in just her towel? Not sure why this is news. [The Sun]
• Newly sober Kirsten Dunst has been taking her All Good Things costar, Ryan Gosling, with her to 12-step meetings. But are they more than just costars? [Page Six]
• Dina Lohan: Seen "dancing, drinking and playing with her hair extensions." [Page Six]
• A judge has dismissed Ron Burkle's lawsuit against Italian businessman Raffaello Follieri, aka Anne Hathaway's boyfriend. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "What notoriously stingy actress buys books at her neighborhood Barnes & Noble downtown, only to try to exchange the dog-eared copies days later for cash?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff have not, repeat, NOT broken up. You may now return to your regularly scheduled apathy. [People]
• My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee is expecting a baby with girlfriend Cenren Alkac. Lee has a 4-year-old son, Pilot Inspektor, with his ex. So what kind of name will this kid get? [People]
• The title of the season finale of The Office is called "Goodbye, Toby." Plus: Spinoff rumors! [E!]
• Rapper T.I.: Has a new single, is hot. [ONTD]
• Diddy is hosting a $4 million "mega-party" to celebrate getting his name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. David Beckham is helping him. Diddy will have 10 private jets; five different custom-made Sean Jean outfits, including a tux, a smoking jacket, and a top hat and tails; $400,000 worth of booze; and goodie bags with his own damn perfume in them. [Mirror]
• A former UCLA Medical Center hospital worker has been indicted in Federal charges for the theft of medical records of celebs like Farrah Fawcett, Maria Shriver and 60 others. She accepted $4,600 from "an unnamed national media outlet" for the info. [Reuters]
• Is Amy Winehouse leaving her record label? [The Sun]
• There is video proof that Ashley Dupre agreed to be filmed for Girls Gone Wild. [Yahoo News]
• Is Ashlee Simpson returning to reality TV? [MSNBC]
• Grammy-winning singer Mya was scheduled to being performances in Chicago on Broadway, but she's broken her foot! Sucks. [Playbill]
• "We pray for Brody. Honestly, Brody was such a good friend to me. He hooked Heidi and I up, and I think that everything will work out eventually. I wish that Brody and I were still best friends, I pray every day that everything works out between us." — Spencer Pratt. [People]
• Uma Thurman's parents testified in court yesterday regarding her stalker case. Uma's mom said she believed the stalker, Jack Jordan, "was someone who would benefit from medical attention." [AP]
• Vanilla Ice is off the hook for domestic battery charges because his wife recanted her original statement. [Yahoo News]
• Simon Cowell pays no attention to smoking bans. "He lights up where he likes - and pays the fine if he has to," says a source. [The Sun]
• Edie Falco battled breast cancer in 2003 but never told any of her Sopranos costars. [Page Six]
• SO MANY blind items from Michael Musto! "What hyper-quirky stage actor (who's also known for movies and TV) does lots of coke and has sex in club bathrooms when the boyfriend's at home? What fashion-magazine editor—no, not the obvious one—still has no idea how to use the Internet? (She has to have e-mails read aloud to her and then dictates the reply.) What current anchor is said to have been lesbian lovers with that unhinged late anchor, according to ancient legend? Which female rocker best known from the '70s and '80s recently got so plowed she blew chunks all over a nightclub? Which star who went from Hollywood hotshot to joke to rebounding talent has an impressively large member to go with his award? What longtime r&b singer was spotted in Harlem, where she told a fan who accosted her: 'If you ain't the crack man, don't come near me!'? Which legendary actor's bisexual father is murmured to have died of AIDS, not of "cancer," as the family officially reported? Which scandal-ridden ex-TV personality would have gotten a gay record deal, but he wouldn't come out of the closet? Shouldn't someone say, 'Who do you think you are?' Which star who denies being gay used to give so-so head and has a penis that's even less than four and a half inches? What famous grandson is so delightfully kinky he recently lodged M&Ms up his butt, turning his hole into a veritable McFlurry of sexual delight? (Alas, they melted before they could be of any use.) About which talk-show host's supposed girlfriend was Rosie O'Donnell heard to say: 'Look at her nails! She could never be a lesbian with those nails!'?" [Village Voice]

[West Hollywood, CA; March 18. Image via INFdaily.com]