I know it's late and no one will see this, but just to add to my earlier tale of woe, my mother just called me at work and casually dropped the bomb that my cat hasn't been seen since Saturday. The cat has been living with my parents because the boy who is backing out of marriage to me is allergic.
So I could probably lose my relationship and the cat. And the cat is mostly blind with cataracts, and I asked them (parents) not to let him out of the house, but they always say, "No, he's good. He still has his whiskers."
I just broke down crying in my office over this. I wasn't going to cry over the boy, but my cat? I'm done with today, and many days, if he doesn't come back.
@portia_sue: Please tell your parents to put out dirty laundry by the front and back doors. This may help your cat find its way home - their sense of scent is very strong but as they get older they get disoriented easily and the bad eyesight doesn't help.
@portia_sue: Portia - I just wanted to let you know that my cat was gone for a month, but last week a lady from a shelter called me (I had left fliers and talked to all the animal control and shelter reps I could get numbers for) and told me someone had a skinny but friendly gray tabby locked in their basement 12 blocks from my apartment. I ran out in the pouring rain and found the house without an address. Sure enough, it was my baby, skinny and sick but in one piece and happy to see me.
I had also been through this once before, when my childhood cat took off for 3 weeks. We found him again shacked up with another family because we kept putting up new signs, again about 12 blocks away.
My first cat disappeared when I was in high school and did return about two months later, but she had perfect health and vision. My boy cat is older and mostly blind, so I figure I won't have such good luck twice.
I'm so mad because I ignored him all Thanksgiving so that I wouldn't get his hair and dander on me and trigger the boys allergies. What if that was the last chance I had to hold him?
@portia_sue: I'm so sorry *hug*. I get way more upset over lost or hurt animals than people. Not that I'm proud of this, but I hope you find your kitty!
@portia_sue: A friend's family went on a very long trip and their cat ran away only to return over a year later. I'm sure your cat will come home much sooner!
I remember not wanting to break up with my college boyfriend during the holidays. We'd been together three years and things were not going well--for me; he thought everything was fine--and I didn't know how I was going to stand seeing his family and pretending to have fun, when I would have preferred to be anywhere but where I was. We all went out to an intensely stupid Christmas movie and they all loved it and gave me a hard time when I didn't like it, and it was very uncomfortable. They still thought we were going to get married, and there was talk about that. Bottom line was that I survived the season, but ended up breaking up with him two days before Valentine's anyhow. I still think of it as the single most liberating thing I ever did. That was the first day of the rest of my life.
He still isn't married, almost thirteen years later. I can't say I'm shocked. I'm sure his smother is pleased, though.
I got spectacularly dumped right before my 30th birthday. I still think it was because he didn't want to have to spring for a present. Jerk.
Whatever. I ran off to celebrate in Vegas with my two best friends.
My roommate got dumped over the phone (it was a long distance relationship) on wednesday while he was shopping for thanksgiving stuff with me. Poor guy.
@kthnx: Ugh. Unless your significant other poses a physical threat, phone break-ups are unacceptable to me. At least have enough respect to have the conversation in person! Your poor friend!
@Habibiti: Ditto. That is wrong. And incredibly cowardly. Though at least the blatant display of cowardice can help convince you that he wasn't good enough for you anyhow.
@Habibiti: I mean, they live on opposite coasts. The next time they could physically see eachother would be when he would fly out to see her over winter break - not the kind of news you want to hear after buying a plane ticket.
Odd timing. My boyfriend's roommate and his girlfriend just ended their three year relationship (two weeks after their anniversary...).
She basically broke his heart. I wish I could say she was still on my good list but this is just one of many reasons she is not on that list. A small reason, but still. :(
But... December was the time I met my current boyfriend... so, Turkey Drop turns into Best Christmas Present Ever?
@Sukie in the Graveyard: Well...try to hold back judgment a little. You don't fully know what was up in that relationship. I seemingly broke my ex's heart last year, when in fact it was he who had called me in the dead of night the week my cat of 15 years died and when I found my grandfather had cancer and said "Well I just don't know this is kinda old now so what do YOU think we should do...?"
@graciousplum: In most cases that is true and I would stay on a fence for sure - in this case however, I am very close to both parties. Over the last year my friendship with the girl has diminished while my friendship with the roommate has grown, each of their own accord. Outside of their relationship.
Watching friends break up is hard. Especially when you want it to work. He (and I) wanted it to work more than she did.
And, as I said, this is a small reason she's been moved to my not-so-good list - there is a much bigger reason for the list move overhanging it...
(I have lists, in my head, it's weird but what I do.)
Otherwise, yes, I reserve and sit quietly with icecream for both parties.
@Sukie in the Graveyard: You could be totally right about the girlfriend, but I would still be very, very careful about how and when your censure is expressed.
One of my boyfriend's best friends took what turned out to be a temporary breakup as an opportunity to direct a little snark my way. Unfortunately, she picked the week I had a serious health emergency to communicate her feelings via, of course, Facebook. The boy and I are back together, but that girl is in my book as a bit of an immature psycho. The boyfriend wasn't impressed with the drama, either, and they're not as close anymore. I'm sure their friendship will recover eventually, but she ended up looking awful in this whole thing. When she judged me, she judged him too, and when she showed no respect for me, she didn't make herself look like much a friend to him, you know?
That's why I really think it's safest to just stay out of your friend's relationships. The closer you are to the friend, the more important it is not to get sucked in. You don't know what's going on, and the more you insist you do, and justify it, and act on it, the more chances there are for you to end up looking bad.
@Dizzy8: oh gosh, I'm not a horrible Judgy McSnarkerstein.
She does NOT need to know how I feel. My opinion hardly matters.
But, when she says she hates my beloved state and will never return - she hates his state also. Who hates a whole State? I'm just not going to spend a ton of time talking to her - I have other friends I would rather talk to, who don't throw around "hate" as much. See, she doesn't need to know that. I won't be telling her. I won't tell the roommate either.
It's just sad that the breakup happened this week, I don't think he saw it coming...
@Sukie in the Graveyard: Aw, she does sound like a pill. I'm sorry your friend got hurt. I've totally been on the other end, too, where I wanted so badly to rip into someone dating my friend. It sucks.
Sometimes I think Jezebel has a direct connection to my soul.
This morning (from 10 am to 1pm) the boyfriend and I had an epic battle that started with him saying he thinks we should live apart for awhile, and ended with an uneasy state of peace and maintaining the status quo. I asked, Why did you buy us a gift certificate for our favorite restaurant just two days ago (Friday night) if you're so unhappy? Long story short, cold feet. We've reached the point where we are either going to break up for good or get married. Unfortunately for my peace of mind, this whole time I thought it was going to be option B. Mainly because last week he told me all about how awesome I am and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Jezzies, I am cried out and exhausted. I hate the holidays.
@portia_sue: BIG HUG!!! I know it hurts, but God bless him for being honest. It sucks now but it would suck WAY WORSE for him to get cold feet after the big wedding and signing the marriage certificate. It has nothing to do with you being marriageable and everything to do with marriage just being plain SCARY.
You will know a new peace and a new happiness: trust me. Cry. Eat ice-cream. Pray. Call your mother.
@Maulleigh: It's funny you should say "call your mother," because she actually did call right in the middle of it. I had to tell her, "things aren't good here right now," through a voice just choked up with tears. Eventually she had my brother call me to make sure I was okay.
Right now the boy is watching the Bears, and I am having quiet time. I do love him, but he knows that he's really hurt me this time. I'm hoping for the best. And I definitely view this as a cliche type event. It's so typical that a guy will waver, but really, I must say why I am expecting a proposal:
We already live together. And have for 3 years!
We already bought the ring. It's in his sock drawer.
We have talked (at length!) of how we will divide up childcare and work in the future.
He wants me to move with him to a new city, and I told him I wouldn't until we are engaged, and he said that was perfectly reasonable and he was OK with it. This move will happen in the next few months, probably by March.
So, as you see, I don't think I am being irrational here at all. So his picking a fight with me this morning was a big shock.
@portia_sue: I know it might be a bit odd and pop culturish but the way Lorelia told Rory to wallow after she and Dean broke up was pretty spot on. I don't know how Gilmore Girls knew just what to do following a major break up (the first is always the most major, no?) - but wallowing is key.
So, see if you can get season 2? 3? of Gilmore Girls and watch the episode following the breakup. It will be like the biggest deep tissue massage you ever had. Hurts now but when you get up to leave, it's like you got a new body...
And remember, you can ALWAYS get up and leave. No one stays on the massage table.
Yes. I have. One year I was in LA, was supposed to see my boyfriend in NYC. I got a new job, and couldn't leave. He went to see his family in the Midwest instead of me. That was the beginning of the end. I ended up not having to work that day, but was alone, in a studio apartment in LA. This year, I'm abroad with someone I was going to marry. The past two years I've cooked for just me and him. Turns out we're not getting engaged; I did nothing for Thanksgiving since I'm not in the States, I have to go home and crash with friends then stay with my parents, begrudgingly since at this point I'd really love to have my own traditions with a partner, and have no New Year's plans as of yet, and really not in the mood to ask all my single friends what they are doing. This year is the worst holiday season of my life!!! Maybe next year I'll be more settled down somewhere, then meet someone who actually wants me to be part of their holiday.
@portia_sue: me, too. the holidays are so much pressure. i'm in a transitional phase, and i really wish i could skip them this year. i have a feeling next year will be better. :)
@ZombieEmpress: @Scout: @mrs_weasley: @annewithaneee: I didn't THINK I could be the only one! Inevitably, that comes up around this holiday. Glad I'm not the only one!
@Charlene Darling: @Keyper81: Radio people LOVE that episode - it's closer to the reality of radio than anybody thinks, believe it or not (full disclosure: radio person here). Radio promotions like the turkey one are almost always a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
Thanksgiving is closer to Christmas than New Year's is to Valentine's Day--wouldn't it make more sense to break up in early January?
Actually, I see the sense in the Turkey Drop, but I don't buy that the Cad Zone lasts until February--or that being a cad is the real fear. You dump someone at Thanksgiving because it's a wake-up call: you realize you don't WANT to spend Christmas and New Year's with this person. Thanksgiving is so about family that it makes you think about whom you want that close to you.
i was turkey dropped my freshman year in college! i already knew about the "3-month expiration date" on long-distance college relationships, but i was vain enough to believe it wouldn't happen to me.
i will say that getting dumped while living in the freshman girls dorm isn't the worst thing in the world - i had countless supporters who chimed in with "that jerk," and "you're so much better than him," etc, whenever i needed it, plus lots of wine and ice cream buddies :)
@Crackers In Bed: while i love wine and ice cream i hate "that jerk" and "you're so much better than him" i don't know why i guess i'd rather focus on the positive than the pity party (thats not what i want to say but i can't think of a better word, basically those cliche responses just ring false to me.)
@BuffyBot: i agree it's not a constructive way to ease someone through a break-up - i think it completely belittles the relationship and one's complicated emotions, but at the time (barely 18 and woefully insecure) it was exactly what i needed. i think i as got older i realized how hollow those responses are; also i think as people mature they have a more select group of friends they share their heartache with - so cliche responses aren't as common as they would be in a communal living situation :)
Oh gosh, I dumped my first bf right after New Year's and right before his birthday. Over the phone. I still feel a little guilty, but then I remember how he was abusive and deserved it.
(The bonus- I gave him mono right before we split!)
I had postponed a Fall wedding, but finally stuck a fork in the relationship between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have had few moments as satisfying as the one that passed when I refused to take his Christmas present and he told me it was a $2000 Cartier watch. I told him to take it back--I didn't want him, his money, or his watch. I would buy my own. I still haven't bought my own, but Christmas was like breathing fresh air that year.
Last year, I was broken up with in the no-man's land between New Year's and Valentine's Day (and my birthday two days later). I saw it coming, but it still massively sucked. It was definitely for the best, though...that dude was an idiot. He called me out of the blue about a month ago - I saw that it was him calling and said, ha, yeah right, let it go to VM and have no intention of calling him back ever.
But now this article is making me paranoid about my current relationship, even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Insecurity, I has it.
@i'vemadeahugemistake: You too? I've been dating an amazing, nearly perfect guy for a little over two months now and this is making me a little paranoid!
@hellosunshine: Yeah, I think this whole "turkey drop" thing pertains to relationships that aren't working, which should leave us in the clear. Right?! Yeah, that's what I'm going to tell myself...
11/30/09
So I could probably lose my relationship and the cat. And the cat is mostly blind with cataracts, and I asked them (parents) not to let him out of the house, but they always say, "No, he's good. He still has his whiskers."
I just broke down crying in my office over this. I wasn't going to cry over the boy, but my cat? I'm done with today, and many days, if he doesn't come back.
11/30/09
11/30/09
I had also been through this once before, when my childhood cat took off for 3 weeks. We found him again shacked up with another family because we kept putting up new signs, again about 12 blocks away.
So - screw the guy! But don't give up on the cat!
11/30/09
My first cat disappeared when I was in high school and did return about two months later, but she had perfect health and vision. My boy cat is older and mostly blind, so I figure I won't have such good luck twice.
I'm so mad because I ignored him all Thanksgiving so that I wouldn't get his hair and dander on me and trigger the boys allergies. What if that was the last chance I had to hold him?
I'm so depressed! And now I feel guilty.
11/30/09
11/30/09
11/29/09
He still isn't married, almost thirteen years later. I can't say I'm shocked. I'm sure his smother is pleased, though.
11/29/09
Whatever. I ran off to celebrate in Vegas with my two best friends.
11/29/09
twice.
same guy
11/29/09
But, I did break up with a guy on Christmas once, so kharma?
11/29/09
11/29/09
11/29/09
11/30/09
11/29/09
She basically broke his heart. I wish I could say she was still on my good list but this is just one of many reasons she is not on that list. A small reason, but still. :(
But... December was the time I met my current boyfriend... so, Turkey Drop turns into Best Christmas Present Ever?
11/29/09
....HUFF.
Reserve judgment :)
11/29/09
Watching friends break up is hard. Especially when you want it to work. He (and I) wanted it to work more than she did.
And, as I said, this is a small reason she's been moved to my not-so-good list - there is a much bigger reason for the list move overhanging it...
(I have lists, in my head, it's weird but what I do.)
Otherwise, yes, I reserve and sit quietly with icecream for both parties.
11/29/09
One of my boyfriend's best friends took what turned out to be a temporary breakup as an opportunity to direct a little snark my way. Unfortunately, she picked the week I had a serious health emergency to communicate her feelings via, of course, Facebook. The boy and I are back together, but that girl is in my book as a bit of an immature psycho. The boyfriend wasn't impressed with the drama, either, and they're not as close anymore. I'm sure their friendship will recover eventually, but she ended up looking awful in this whole thing. When she judged me, she judged him too, and when she showed no respect for me, she didn't make herself look like much a friend to him, you know?
That's why I really think it's safest to just stay out of your friend's relationships. The closer you are to the friend, the more important it is not to get sucked in. You don't know what's going on, and the more you insist you do, and justify it, and act on it, the more chances there are for you to end up looking bad.
11/30/09
She does NOT need to know how I feel. My opinion hardly matters.
But, when she says she hates my beloved state and will never return - she hates his state also. Who hates a whole State? I'm just not going to spend a ton of time talking to her - I have other friends I would rather talk to, who don't throw around "hate" as much. See, she doesn't need to know that. I won't be telling her. I won't tell the roommate either.
It's just sad that the breakup happened this week, I don't think he saw it coming...
11/30/09
11/29/09
11/29/09
This morning (from 10 am to 1pm) the boyfriend and I had an epic battle that started with him saying he thinks we should live apart for awhile, and ended with an uneasy state of peace and maintaining the status quo. I asked, Why did you buy us a gift certificate for our favorite restaurant just two days ago (Friday night) if you're so unhappy? Long story short, cold feet. We've reached the point where we are either going to break up for good or get married. Unfortunately for my peace of mind, this whole time I thought it was going to be option B. Mainly because last week he told me all about how awesome I am and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Jezzies, I am cried out and exhausted. I hate the holidays.
And commitment phobic boy-men.
11/29/09
You will know a new peace and a new happiness: trust me. Cry. Eat ice-cream. Pray. Call your mother.
11/29/09
Right now the boy is watching the Bears, and I am having quiet time. I do love him, but he knows that he's really hurt me this time. I'm hoping for the best. And I definitely view this as a cliche type event. It's so typical that a guy will waver, but really, I must say why I am expecting a proposal:
We already live together. And have for 3 years!
We already bought the ring. It's in his sock drawer.
We have talked (at length!) of how we will divide up childcare and work in the future.
He wants me to move with him to a new city, and I told him I wouldn't until we are engaged, and he said that was perfectly reasonable and he was OK with it. This move will happen in the next few months, probably by March.
So, as you see, I don't think I am being irrational here at all. So his picking a fight with me this morning was a big shock.
Thanks for your hug! I needed it.
11/29/09
So, see if you can get season 2? 3? of Gilmore Girls and watch the episode following the breakup. It will be like the biggest deep tissue massage you ever had. Hurts now but when you get up to leave, it's like you got a new body...
And remember, you can ALWAYS get up and leave. No one stays on the massage table.
11/29/09
11/29/09
Breakups - just - God, they suck.
11/29/09
11/29/09
I hope we both have happier holiday stories next year.
12/02/09
11/29/09
11/29/09
as god is my witness...I thought turkeys could fly
11/29/09
11/29/09
11/30/09
Me too! I clicked thru, expecting at least a picture of Les Nessman, lol.
11/30/09
11/29/09
Actually, I see the sense in the Turkey Drop, but I don't buy that the Cad Zone lasts until February--or that being a cad is the real fear. You dump someone at Thanksgiving because it's a wake-up call: you realize you don't WANT to spend Christmas and New Year's with this person. Thanksgiving is so about family that it makes you think about whom you want that close to you.
11/29/09
i will say that getting dumped while living in the freshman girls dorm isn't the worst thing in the world - i had countless supporters who chimed in with "that jerk," and "you're so much better than him," etc, whenever i needed it, plus lots of wine and ice cream buddies :)
11/29/09
11/30/09
11/29/09
(The bonus- I gave him mono right before we split!)
11/29/09
11/29/09
11/29/09
11/29/09
11/29/09
But now this article is making me paranoid about my current relationship, even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Insecurity, I has it.
11/29/09
11/29/09