• Her official photographer has posted many of the pictures on Palin's Facebook page, along with the credit "The Photo Opportunity is Provided By SarahPAC," so, if you want a shot of yourself wearing an Obama shirt next to Palin you'll have to contribute to her PAC. • Sarah Palin will give the keynote address at the International Bowl Expo 2010, the "premier international convention" of bowling in June. A rep said: "Regardless of your political affiliation, Ms. Palin is a force in American politics and culture. Her presence underscores the impact and importance of bowling, one of our country's leading national pastimes and a growing $10 billion industry." • Leroy Benros was charged with rape at a New York nightclub after his alleged victim texted her friends during the attack. After he forcibly kissed her, the woman texted her friend: "I'm being molested. Help." By the time two of her friends found her, police say she was partially naked under a coat with her eyes closed and her arms dangling. Her friends pulled her away and Benros was arrested. • Now that Maurice Clemmons, the ex-convict suspected of killing four police officers, is dead, authorities are focusing on the people who may have helped him escape and stay on the lam for two days. Prosecutors are expected to charge alleged getaway driver Darcus D. Allen today. Clemmons' aunt and another woman have been arrested and are expected to be charged for giving him first aid and helping him escape. Police are still investigating a handful of other suspects. "Some are friends, some are acquaintances, some are partners in crime, some are relatives. Now they're all partners in crime," said a police spokesman. • Cocaine abuse is on the rise among young English women. Among women ages 18 to 25, the number of women who needed treatment for cocaine abuse in England. jumped 80 percent in the past four years from 329 to 592. Experts point to a growing "ladette" culture, which is also blamed for increasing alcohol abuse among young women. • In a new British study, researchers say they have discovered how and where androgenic hormones work in the testis to control normal sperm production and male fertility, which may allow for the development of a male birth control pill. "This study provides a new opportunity to identify how androgens control sperm production, which could provide new insight for the development of new treatments for male infertility and perhaps new male contraceptives," said Michelle Welsh, Ph.D., co-author of the study. • An increasing number of British women are hiring doulas to help them give birth, but anesthetist Dr. Abhijoy Chaklader questioned their role in the British Medical Journal. He wrote the trend toward hiring doulas, who have no medical training, may "be a sad reflection of failures in the delivery of medical and midwifery care, a sticking plaster concealing greater problems... a cynic might ask whether the doula business is actually necessary or whether it is exploiting - for profit - unspoken fears about NHS perinatal care and the seemingly limitless market for birth related products and service." • Switzerland elected women to the nation's top three political positions today: president, speaker of parliament's lower house, and speaker of the upper house. Swiss women couldn't even vote in national elections until 1971. • A Dutch man was arrested for allegedly collecting information on more than 30 girls from social networking sites, then blackmailing their parents. He posed as a photographer and told the parents their daughters had performed sexual acts on camera, or suggested they had been raped by others, then said he'd upload the non-existent pornography online if they didn't pay him. • Family members say a New York hairdresser who disappeared last week after dropping her 6-year-old daughter off at school complained about a creepy man she kept encountering near the school. "She mentioned to us about this guy in the street she would see every day," said Jamaica Smith's niece. "He was real aggressive toward her, always saying, 'Hey, baby, you look so pretty.' ... We know for a fact she was abducted because she would never leave her daughter." There are rumors that some people saw her struggling with a man near her home, but police deny the story and say they don't think foul play was involved. • After General Motors CEO Fritz Henderson announced yesterday that he was stepping down, someone claiming to be his daughter Sarah Henderson posted on GM's Facebook page, "HE FUCKING GOT ASKED TO STEP DOWN ALL OF YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. I'M FRITZ'S FUCKING DAUGHTER, AND HE DID NOT FUCKING RESIGN. WHITACRE IS A SELFISH PIECE OF SHIFT [sic], WHO CARES ABOUT HIMSELF AND NOT THE FUCKING COMPANY. HAVE FUN WITH GM, I HOPE TO NEVER BUY FROM THIS GOD FORESAKEN [sic] COMPANY EVERY [sic] AGAIN. FUCK ALL OF YOU." It was later removed. • Adeline Bayne-Goody, a 56-year-old New York City subway driver, may lose her job over an incident in October in which she subdued a crazed man who threatened other passengers, spewed racial epithets, punched her and spit in her face. She held him down until the police arrived, but officials told her she committed "gross misconduct" and should be fired because she left her post. • Carmen Huertas, the woman accused of driving drunk in Manhattan, injuring six children who were in the car and killing one, has been trying to commit suicide in jail. "She's tried to place objects around her neck," said her lawyer. "She's confused and devastated, and understands the consequences of her actions." • Thirteen female ski jumpers have filed a request with Canada's Supreme Court to allow the sport in the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. The International Olympic Committee voted in 2006 not to include women's ski jumping in the 2010 Olympics because they say the sport is not developed enough. • The Japanese man who recently married his virtual girlfriend from the Nintendo DS game Love Plus has responded to media reports with a letter and some photos from his honeymoon. He writes: "Now that the ceremony is over, I feel like I've been able to achieve a major milestone in my life. Some people have expressed doubts about my actions, but at the end of the day, this is really just about us as husband and wife. As long as the two of us can go on to create a happy household, I'm sure any misgivings about us will be resolved." •

Lindsay Lohan Facing Jail Unless She Attends Alcohol Rehab, Judge Warns [Telegraph]

[Images via Getty.]

• Kiefer Sutherland may be looking at a minor assault charge in NYC for headbutting designer Jack McCollough. The real problem?

He may have violated the probation of his L.A. DUI conviction. If so, it's back to the slammer. [People]

• According to this report, Kiefer Sutherland will surrender today and be charged with with third-degree assault for his "attack" on Jack McCollough. [NY Daily News, TMZ, E!]
• Kiefer will get a desk ticket for the headbutt — meaning he won't be jailed and he's free to travel. [NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Donald Trump intends to make a decision about Miss California Carrie Prejean very soon; additionally, the guy from the website which has been releasing "controversial" photos of her says he has more, and he intends to post them. [E!]
• The Carrie Prejean semi-nude pictures will "roll out" slowly. [CNN]
• Chris Brown's lawyer, Mark Geragos, has filed legal papers asking the LAPD to state how the picture of Rihanna was leaked to TMZ. If there was misconduct by law enforcement, Geragos will file a motion to have the case dismissed. [TMZ]
• Oprah wrote her Time 100 essay about Michelle Obama on her BlackBerry: "And then I went to hit the wrong button and the whole thing deleted! I went to hit 'Save' and instead I hit ... 'Oh my God! Oh my God! It's gone!' That ever happened to you? And then you can't remember - not one sentence you wrote." What did she do? "I couldn't even think for two days… I couldn't even, like, think of a sentence. I stared at the BlackBerry, then I hit every button trying to make it come back. I hit 'Options.' I did everything!" Then she started over. [New York Mag, Gatecrasher]
• Lindsay and Sam: Romantic relapse? A source says Sam might take LL back. They've been texting and "having visits." But another source says: "Lindsay plays stupid mind games saying she is being pursued by major celebrity actors. She has a lot of free time to play all these childish games. Sam knows in her head, life is truly better off without Lindsay." [People]
• This paper claims that Lindsay Lohan "chased her ex-lover across LA yesterday before finally tracking her down at 2am and demanding one of those horrible late-night discussions." [Daily Mail]
• Steve Zahn had to touch Jennifer Aniston's ass for the new flick, The Management, and says: "We had to do it so many times. It's so weird, very awkward and bizarre. [But] she's a pro, a gifted actor, humble, modest, a genuinely kind person. She has no agenda. She's just a really beautiful person." So wait: she's not desperate and lonely, sobbing over an empty uterus? Huh. [People]
• Jennifer Aniston says if there's gonna be a Friends movie, "they should hurry up." [Mirror]
• Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper: Flirting??!?!?!?! [Page Six]
• In the new Marie Claire, Beyoncé says that when she was singing for the Obamas in January, she was almost overcome: "I had to tell myself, 'They asked you to do this. You have to do a great job. This is their history. Calm down. Calm down… I barely made it. Literally seconds before the song started, I was crying like a 5-year-old." [People]
• In this video, some dude who works security at a Pennsylvania motel says Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8 shows up frequently and was seen "romantically kissing" a woman who was not his wife. [Radar Online]
• "Twilight fans fell in love with Robert Pattinson as a vampire who makes girls swoon. But in Little Ashes, which opens on Friday, the actor explores a relationship that could reshape his heartthrob image." No one wants you to forget that he sexes a dude in this flick. No one. [Reuters>]
• Another day, another Michael Jackson lawsuit; this one involves a former publicist who claims, "Mr. Jackson has elected not to honor the financial obligations of our contractual relationship." She wants $44 million. [TMZ, Reuters]
• Reese Witherspoon is thought to be connected to a man named John Witherspoon, who left Scotland in 1768 and went on to witness the signing of the Declaration of Independence. A BBC series, A History Of Scotland, will tell his story. [Daily Express]
• Guess who's started working out with Tracy Anderson — Gwyneth and Madonna's trainer? Emma Thompson. [Daily Express]
• Are cops in Massachusetts targeting celebs in Massachusetts? What's with all the searches on Tom Brady and Matt Damon? [E!]
• Dr. Phil has fired 15 members of his staff. "It was a bloodbath… People who had worked together for years suddenly were unemployed," says a source. Ouch! Someone call Oprah. [Perez]
• WTF headline of the day: "When Harry Met Tranny." (Daniel Radcliffe had dinner with a drag queen.) [The Sun]
• JJ Abrams says of the original TV series Star Trek: "I remember appreciating it, but feeling like I didn't get it." He was not a Trekkie! "I had no idea there had been 10 movies! I still haven't seen them all." [Guardian]
• Speaking of Trek, Zachary Quinto couldn't do Vulcan fingers while filming and JJ Abrams had to glue his fingers together. [Page Six]
• Director Robert Rodriguez was working on an adaptation of Barbarella — with Rose McGowan playing the Jane Fonda role, naturally — but the project is now dead. No orgasmatron! [MTV]
• Jennifer Aniston, Holly Hunter, Elizabeth Banks, Catherine Hardwicke and cinematographer Petra Korner will be honored at the 2009 Crystal + Lucy Awards, presented by Women in Film. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Katie Holmes will star in a thriller called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, scripted by Guillermo del Toro. Xenu knows she could use a hit flick. [Variety]
• Robert De Niro and Edward Norton will star in an indie psychological thriller Stone, about a a correctional officer (De Niro) who is seduced by the wife of a convicted arsonist (Norton) up for parole. [Variety]
• Susan Boyle is now in the top 5 list of most watched viral videos, right under Soulja Boy and something called Achmed the Dead Terrorist. [NY Daily News]
• Megan Fox wants to be like George Clooney: "He's sarcastic, and he has a different girlfriend constantly. It's considered charismatic. He's like this James Bond, sexy dude. The older he gets, the better he gets. It's a double standard. To be outspoken, or different at all, is a problem for women. As soon as you curse or, God forbid, make some sort of sexual reference that's a joke, you're (labelled a party girl). They don't do that with men, so I feel it would be a lot easier." [Mirror]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate is a "tattooed bisexual." The horrors. [The Sun]
• Liz Hurley thinks people look sexier in the country than in the city. Also, she likes to have sex on sheepskin rugs in front of fireplaces. [Daily Mail]
• In 2000, Jemima Khan's plane was hijacked; she says her hair turned white after the incident and she's had to dye it ever since. [Daily Express]
• A new biography reveals that Stephen King "spent most of the Eighties on an extended drug and alcohol binge which so fogged his mind that even today he cannot remember working on many of the books he wrote during that period." [Daily Mail]
• Ryan O'Neal says Farrah Fawcett has "lost her famous hair" from battling cancer. [Daily Express]
• Ryan O'Neal also says: "It's a love story. I just don't know how to play this one. I won't know this world without her." [People]
• Trent Reznor is pissed at Apple, because a Nine Inch Nails iPhone app was rejected for having 'objectionable content." [NY Daily News]
• RIP Stanley Tucci's wife, Kate. [Page Six]
• Olympic silver medalist Sasha Cohen is returning to competitive figure skating. Will we see her in Vancouver for the winter Olympics? [AP]
• Stephanie Tanner Jodie Sweetin is being sued for not paying her Home Owner's Association fees. How rude! [Perez]
• James McAvoy, Elizabeth Banks, Laura Linney and Anna Friel will star in The Details, a flick about a a couple who discover an infestation of raccoons in their back yard. [Variety]
• Rare Marilyn Monroe photographs for sale — on eBay. [UPI]
• Blind item! "Which film director could give Robert Pattinson a run for his money in the odor department? The big-time movie man smelled so badly during a recent shoot that even his actors couldn't stand to be around him!" [Gatecrasher]
• "Would I run for public office? A delegation of Democrats from Ohio asked me if I wanted to run for a Senate seat in 2004, and I said it was a tempting offer, but no. We already had an old actor in national politics, and it didn't work out so well. He shall remain nameless." — Martin Sheen. [Mirror]
• "The rumours aren't true. We aren't moving. So many people come up to me and say 'I hear you're moving.' We love America. We've been very happy here." — Victoria Beckham. [Mirror]
• "I've never changed my name officially. I never have and I never will. In my heart, I am still Ramon. I love the name. I would never give it up." — Martin Sheen. [Mirror]
• "I'd like to see Benson and Stabler get together...but I can't let that happen. Mariska [Hargitay] and I have been a wonderful, solid married couple now for 10 years-we see each other more than our families. It's just nice to get a different dynamic in there every once in a while." — Chris Meloni. [E!]
• "I'm looking for an encyclopaedia and a dictionary. A bit of the Boy Scouts Handbook. A person who is conscientious about the trail he leaves behind him. I'm attracted to intelligence and creativity and passion — and not necessarily the romantic kind. I want to learn from someone who is greedy for information and light and laughter and the whole world." — Renée Zellweger, on what she looks for in a man. [Mirror via Glamour]
• "We know the people whose lives are on the line-those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender-will be there. But we need everyone there. Especially straight people." — Charlize Theron, who is encouraging Californians to attend a Meet In The Middle For Equality rally in Fresno. [E!]
• "I'm a big fan of Tyra's! She is sexy. I mean, I don't really get obsessed with anyone, but Tyra is definitely hot." — Idris Elba. [Gatecrasher]
• "I'm not fiddling about with myself. We're in this awful youth-driven thing now where everybody needs to look 30 at 60 . This is the law of diminishing returns. The trick is to age honestly and gracefully and make it look great so that everyone looks forward to it." — Emma Thompson. [Daily Express]

She only ended up serving 172 minutes worth of the sentence, due to overcrowding in the jail, but she seemed to handle it really well, joking about when they searched her crotch. Afterward, she and her family and friends went out for a bite, and her sister Kourtney got tanked.

In another (related) incident, Donna threw garbage and raw, ground meat at her neighbor, then threatened to kick his pregnant daughter in the stomach. One neighbor is so afraid of Donna that she wouldn't show her face on camera, but she did say that when the police get called to Donna's place — which apparently happens often — they know enough to bring backup each time. Donna is currently being held without bond because she's believed to be a danger to herself and others, and faces felony charges of intimidation of a witness and assault for the attack on her sister.

Ex-Homecoming Queen Beats Sister With Fake Leg In Trailer [YouTube via Breitbart]

[Los Angeles, CA; Dec. 27. Image via TMZ.]

What was weird was that a disclaimer ran before the episode, letting us know that some portions were reenacted, which was oddly honest.

Which parts were reenacted? The entire sobriety test? The entire ride home? The entire fucking thing? And if so, how ridiculous/awesome is this family for going along with reenacting painful and embarrassing moments for the sake of good television?

The other thing that's weird is that Khloe occasionally will look stunning:

And other times will look like the wrestler Chyna:

After being told that a freebie demo was out of the question, I decided to just fork over the cash (or rather, expense the bill) and pay for the damn thing. As far as desirable accessories goes, this one is really affordable: A one-time installation fee of $50 - $100, and a daily monitoring fee of $10 - $15. Not bad, right? So I decided to just enroll in the SCRAM alcohol monitoring program voluntarily, a la Lohan. Easier said than done! Actually, it's practically impossible. After reading the company's FAQ, I instant-messaged Anna yesterday and was like, "I'm beginning to question whether Lindsay's bracelet is a bunch of bullshit." Imagine my self-satisfaction when I woke up this morning to the news that I was most likely right.

I'm not saying that the bracelet itself is bullshit. I'm saying that Lindsay's enrollment in the program is. Actually, the SCRAM bracelet, and the system that runs it, is sophisticated and is probably the most effective alcohol screener around, in that it monitors the "offender" (that's how they refer to them in the literature provided by the company) 24/7, through the toxins in the sweat emitted from the body. The scientific explanation is here. The bracelet detects the booze sweat, and then sends a signal to the SCRAM modem, which sends a signal to the monitoring center, where a human sitting behind a laptop will see that the wearer has been knocking 'em back.

While researching how I'd be able to get my leg in one of those things, it became obvious that I'd have to make up some elaborate lie about why I needed to be monitored, and even that didn't guarantee the privilege, because the bracelets and the monitoring system need to be court-ordered, as part of a condition of bond, parole, or a re-entry program, etc. So I immediately became suspicious of LiLo's "voluntary" involvement with the program. I imagined that for her, the bracelet was like any other clothing item or accessory—for appearances only. Fashion over function.

But the thing is, even if Linds was enrolled in the program, did any of us (her lawyers, handlers, parents included) think that booze was her main vice? Proving that she's not drinking does nothing to prove her sobriety. As far as my limited knowledge on this device goes, SCRAM does not detect coke, weed, or pills, including ecstasy (as she was rumored to be in the market for during her recent post-rehab Vegas bash).

If Lindsay's blood alcohol level at the time of her arrest was .14, as it's been reported, then she would have been drinking for a while. The human being behind the laptop at the monitoring place would've seen that and alerted whomever was on the call list, and that person would've been able to prevent her from getting behind the wheel. But none of that happened.

Lindsay's lawyer has recently issued a statement to TMZ saying, "Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed." I have a feeling that she was informed of the relapse because she was on the receiving end of the one phone call Linds was allowed to make from the slammer. Perhaps the statement would've been more succinct had she said, "Uh, the jig is up!"

Related: Is The Scram A Sham? [TMZ]
SCRAM [AlcoholMonitoringSystems]

• Tori Spelling has become a minister. Proving what we have been telling y'all for round about a week now: God is dead. [USA Today]
  
• The former Surgeon General says the Bush Administration encouraged him to dispense information about stem cell research and sex education with shades of the "theological agenda." His speeches were also edited to make sure that pesky things like facts were left out. Well, at least these assholes are consistent! [WSJ]
  
• What's more on-again-off-again than Jessica Simpson and John Mayer? The potential delaying of Nicole Richie's DUI trial. [Reuters]
  
• The American Psychological Association is reviewing its official stance on homosexuality, in a move that potentially could discredit those who try to "cure" it as if it were a mental illness. [USA Today]

• Can't Salman Rushdie get a break? First his wife Padma Lakshmi dumps him, and now Al-Qaeda is out to get him again. [BBC]
• Frenchmen and women are told by the country's Economy Minister to stop, like, being philosophers and shit and y'know, show up at work. [CNN]
• Meanwhile at the Vatican, the Pope one-ups this and tells non-Catholics that they're not actually Christian. [CNN]
• 4 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]