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"The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
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mbot says Spock yeah!
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
Just thought of something uplifting that I wanted to share: You know the Up series? It's an excellent and fascinating series of documentaries following British children every 7 years starting from the age of 7. Anyway, there's one boy-- a thoughtful, serious son of a missionary-- who you watch grow up to be 14, 21, 28. In each of these films, he talks about how he would love to be in a relationship with a woman but hasn't been able to connect. At some point, he thinks he might be alone forever. But then! Some time either at 35 or 42, we come back to him, and he's a happily married professor! He has this adorable, bespectacled, professor wife, and they ride bikes together and generally seem content and well-matched. It's that same old message- you never know when you'll meet the one or where life will take you- but it's still really encouraging and heartwarming to see it happen!!
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Tits.McGee
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
Has Internet dating further calcified male demands, creating a marketplace where only young, thin women need apply?

YES. A lot of them don't get that you can't custom-build a woman on the internet like you can a new PC. That, and their expectations are WAY too high.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
12/09/08

@Tits.McGee: Ad then even Rush Limbaugh gets engaged again. To a platinum blonde.

(Never mind her personality; personally I'm convinced the two of them met at the pharmacist's.) Further solidifying their - these urky boyz' - opinions that "Well, if I'm not that bad ..."

*shudder*
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NewsBunny
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
I don't know what kind of cat SHE has, but my Eleanor Roosevelt Rigby is very critical.

She is plotting the death of my husband. Eleanor haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaates him.
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gherkinfiend
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
@646Hedgie3: Maybe these guys get rejected far less often for not having money or power than women get rejected for their looks?

It gets hard not to take it personally when it happens repeatedly...and by someone who saw your picture online and approached you originally...
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
12/09/08

@gherkinfiend: Oh boy. I can't wait to hear what Mr. Opinionated has to say about this.
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trublusu
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
Why is a single woman a spinster, but a single man is a bachelor????
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
12/09/08

@trublusu: 'Cause this is a patriarchal society with a bunch of double standards, and if it weren't, a lot of substandard men might actually *gasp* be called to task.

Yup. Still.

(We had a lot of reactionary recidivism during the Bush years to help.)
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GuyNermit
12/09/08

@trublusu rooo sez: "called to task?" Are you saying society should *make* a guy date me? Please, no.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
12/09/08

@GuyNermit: No, I don't think I said that. Sloppy syntax perhaps, but I just meant in terms of having odious personalities that people just sort of ... let go.

Whereas women with abrasive personalities - or who write in Salon about how they feel sorry for themselves because they are both reclusive and celibate - are publicly excoriated almost as a matter of course.

I think I may just perhaps be calling for equal levels of excoriation. But no one is attempting to force anyone to date anyone. Plz.
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steampoweredboy
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
I lost my virginity to a woman in her forties when I was teenager. She was much the same as the author, but content in her single life. She had "flings" when she wanted them and we'd become friends through work. She was kind, loving and didn't need me, but rather wanted me around. Every woman I've been with since has benefited from the things she taught me (don't try to solve every problem, talk half as much as you listen, remember that women are a mystery only to the baffled, just a few little nuggets).

Maybe the author should look for a younger man? Not that fucking "oooh...couger...ooh...milf" patronizing bullshit. But a younger, settled guy who isn't looking to "upgrade" for a "younger model".

Honestly, the fucker in that article who said that to her should have his nuts kicked into his teeth.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
12/09/08

@steampoweredboy: "Maybe the author should look for a younger man? Not that fucking "oooh...couger...ooh...milf" patronizing bullshit. But a younger, settled guy who isn't looking to "upgrade" for a "younger model"."

If you learned how to clone those ... I don't think I'm quite in the target demo yet (although the "cougar" BS does seem to have been pushed downward to "over 21"), but I'd certainly take an investment flyer, 'cause I suspect you'd make a fortune.
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MJ
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
"Has Internet dating further calcified male demands, creating a marketplace where only young, thin women need apply? "

Uh....yea. Duh.
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rollergirl76
12/09/08

@MJ: I have a sinking suspicion that there was some article in one of those douchebag male magazines that said "curvy" in online dating profiles is code for fat. It's not. I'm a curvy woman, and I'm by all means, NOT fat. I hate that my only choices to describe my body type were slender or athletic and toned, because nobody is looking for "curvy" woman. That's some fucking bullshit, right there.
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MJ
12/09/08

@rollergirl76: Yes, I remember reading that somewhere in a 'code breaker' kind of meme. Anything but 'slim/slender' is fat.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
12/09/08

@MJ: Boyz. They can't seem to think past the binary, can they? Ever?
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
12/09/08

@MJ: Is "athletic" fat then now too? I'm a bit out of the loop.
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PhilbertMozie
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
This self-enforced celibacy is nothing new and is not restricted to women. I am a man, in a completely loveless marriage (now separated for nearly 2 years) and haven't had sex for 17 years. Do I miss it, sometimes. However, like the subject of the piece I need to be in love - this has not happened. eHarmony says there is no one in the world compatible with me. That pretty well sums it up...
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Jamie Sommers
12/09/08

@PhilbertMozie: eHarmony is full of shit. Don't listen to them.
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amowls
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
Call me an asshole, but I have high standards when it comes to appearance in the guys I date.

I don't think it's a "males want models, women will just settle" thing. Some PEOPLE want models, other PEOPLE are willing to settle. I can't and will not settle for someone who is not good looking. I'd rather just keep them around as a friend.

That said, that guy in the article is a douche bag. I don't get the whole "young" fetish. It creeps me out. Same with dating someone 10 years older than you. CREEPY.
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CrossWord
12/09/08

@amowls: While I don't think there's anything inherently creepy about preferring relationships with people a different age than you, I hear you on the preferring hotties. If you're not attracted, what's the point? Luckily for me, I find most men really attractive, even ones that might not be another's cup of tea.
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rollergirl76
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
I feel as if she's created this self-fulfilling prophecy of never meeting anybody, remaining single and being lonely and miserable. Who wrote this article, Debbie Downer? Jeebus!
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Unsweet
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
During my stint in the online dating world, I found that guys under 20 would put their desirable age range as roughly 5 years younger than them to at least 5 years older. Once a guy hit 30, though... man. I rarely saw a 30 or over guy whose desirable age range went up to anything more than 5 years younger than they were. It was really lame, and the couple guys I asked about it couldn't even formulate decent answers as to why.
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rollergirl76
12/09/08

@Unsweet: A man thinks if they get a younger woman, they won't have to deal with any "marriage or having kids" expectations for a while. That's the way it was explained to me by one of my guy friends.
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Jack_Burton
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
I now know that I need a cat.
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Issit
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
This strikes a chord with me. After 2.5 years of single-dom (eh) interspersed with the occasional hook-up and six months of unrequited love in between, I'm currently 'at risk' of embarking on a new relationship.

Perhaps not so surprisingly, I'm kinda freaking out. Having been single both out of circumstance (sick with endometriosis) as well as, well, really just being single by default, I'm now starting to realise how much I'm set in my bachelorette ways, and how little accomodating my life is to another.

Must pick up laundry. Close bathroom door. Ban dog from bedroom. Change midnight laptop behaviour. Get curtains. Change ways?
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dianersb was bit by a zombie
12/09/08

@Issit: When I am feeling particularly independent and feisty, I find myself thinking 'man, if I started dating someone I would have to stop being such a selfish person. I would have to pick up things, close my curtains and not wake up to natural light, tell someone else in the world why I didn't come home until 12:30...etc."

Point being, I think that singledom has certain behaviors that aren't conducive to others, especially when you've been single for a period of time (for me 4 years with no serious bf...just a couple of flings)
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shewar
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
Gulp.

I literally just got a chill thinking about this.

I saw my ex this past weekend, we hadn't seen or spoken to each other since he dumped me 9 months ago. He broke my heart in more ways than anyone else ever managed to, but I still let him come home with me Friday night. I still clutched on to him and kissed him even though it's blatantly obvious we'll never be together because he's such a mess and truly seems incapable of being in a relationship.

And yet, the date I forced myself to go on two nights later, with a nice guy, a smart guy, who didn't appear to be the mess my ex is, failed to excite me.

I either use or get used. This leads me to believe I will be a 55 y/o spinster. I already have two cats. They probably will be gone by the time I'm 35. Then I'll just be completely alone. But I don't want that. The fact that a 55 year old woman admits that it's really not so great being alone confirms my fears of spinsterdom.

/rant

Sorry, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. The contents of my head are all mixed up and rearranged.
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CrossWord
12/09/08

@shewar: You're going to be fine. You're totally forgiven for hooking up with your ex. It happens all the time. Don't do it again. If it happens again, really don't do it again. And don't beat yourself up over the guy you went on the date with. If it wasn't right, it just wasn't. Keep your head up. Either this will happen for you or it won't. Either way, you're ok and you're going to be ok.

(These are things I tell myself and my friends. They are true.)
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Never Stop Dancing
12/09/08

In reply to "The Cats Don't Criticize": A Single Writer's Semi-Sad Celibacy
if she hasn't had sex in a decade and a half that is still an improvement over most married people her age who presumably haven't had sex in decades
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