Jezebel: Drunks

Girl After Our Own Drunken, Period-Sexed Hearts Crashes Tyra

Tracie — Thu, 08 May 2008 16:00:00 EDT

A bunch of "party girls" went on Tyra to talk about their heavy drinking and late nights out, but Tyra turned it into a therapy session of rehab, with counseling from Dr. Drew and reformed porn star Mary Carey, acting as sponsor. We were supposed to view the three party girls as having serious problems, but one girl, Shay, seemed so upbeat and good natured and young that we're thinking that she's not so much an addict, but just someone who's a lot of fun and making mistakes in her youth. (Or maybe it's just that she particularly spoke to us, because she unapologetically divulged stories about getting totally shit faced, sleeping around, and having period sex but forgetting that a tampon is in there.)

Earlier: Period Sex: A 'Do' Or A 'Don't'?
Ten Days In The Life Of A Tampon

Sexually-Inexperienced Seal Tries To Bone Penguin • UK Reports 50% More Female Drunks

maria — Fri, 02 May 2008 17:20:00 EDT

A "frustrated, sexually inexperienced" young male seal tries to have sex with a penguin.• Older Japanese singles are trying out that whole online dating thing. • A 51-year-old man admits to using voodoo to seduce teen girls. • Two women make history, win second-"highest" medical prize. • PETA asks Hollywood insiders to whistleblow on animal cruelty on sets. • The houseboat from Sleepless in Seattle is on the market for $2.5 million! • British police report the number of female drunks being arrested has gone up 50% over the past five years. • Ancient androgynous pharaoh, Akhenaten, may have had genetic mutation that made him look feminine. • Colleges are allowing coed dorm rooms. • Men's activists complain about Bad Dads ambush reality TV show.

Did Hillary's Appearance On O'Reilly Actually Make Me Like Her More?

Moe — Fri, 02 May 2008 10:30:00 EDT

Fox is the only news channel that gets any audio on my cable box. This is something, like the interminable nature of this campaign, I generally regard as a negative. But yesterday I had a revelation. See, Hillary Clinton just went on Bill O'Reilly, and when they aren't rerunning clips of the really boring interview, the Fox News talking heads are creaming their pants over how well she's held up, what a "fighter" she is, etc. And it hit me: has Hillary Clinton's stubborn refusal to drop out maybe been good for America? All the phony, cynical and self-serving praise she's had heaped upon her pantsuited self from Rush and Ann and the Weekly Standard and the "Fair And Balanced" regime has started, ever so gradually, to convert into something genuine: respect. Anyway, The Indianapolis Star just endorsed Hillary, a Baptist minister got ushered out by Secret Service for asking John McCain if he really called his wife a "cunt", and Barack Obama drank shit beer at a VFW and the whole thing has lasted so long it's starting to feel like life itself, and Megan and I decided to look at it on the beer-glass half-full side today.

MOE: OK I guess we gotta do this today like every day but I got nothin but a sharp pain in my right temple.
MEGAN: Yeah, dude, today sort of sucks for news. Where was everyone yesterday?
MEGAN: It's so slow, Politico has a column about what Obama should go dirty about if he went dirty.
MOE: Well the DC madam was en route to... the big brothel in the sky? And NY State Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle was in the parking lot, arraigning a guy who was too fat to squeeze into the courtroom. I was getting a facial and buying shoes and going to the National Magazine Awards, which were incredibly exciting. Hillary was getting her ass licked by everyone on Fox News for her courage and grace under the pressure of "The master" Bill O'Reilly.
MEGAN: Also, Congressman Vito Fossella got arrested for a DUI in Alexandria. Dude, that's what interns are for,

MEGAN: to drive your drunk ass home
MOE: I do kind of love something about this:

"You're a polarizing personality," Mr. O'Reilly chuckled during the interview. "You're like I am, and I hate to say that," he said.

MOE: I bet I know exactly where Vito was stopped.
MEGAN: On the GW Parkway, I assume.
MEGAN: Or, rather, on "Washington Avenue".
MOE: No it's Washington Street.
MOE: And yeah there are a bunch of hidden cop cars there.
MOE: There is also a cop car you'll always see on Ft. Hunt Road but I'm pretty sure it's just because a cop lives in the house.
MEGAN: There always are. It's why I don't go out drinking in Old Town. It's too expensive to cab there and back, the bars are too far from the Metro station and I hate being the DD.
MOE: We could also add the matter of EVERY BAR THERE SUCKS to the laundry list.
MEGAN: Well, yes, but I'll go to sucky bars for cheap drinks. I went to the Continental last week in New York. $4 rum and cokes make up for a lot.
MOE: The credibility of American Idol has been jeopardized! Because Paula Abdul fucked up! Imagine entrusting the credibility of your show to Paula Abdul, and having her falter under pressure. Of all people. And yes I am sick of places that charge six bucks for a beer too.
MEGAN: I have to say, I went out with a friend last night to the bar we refer to as Headquarters and were served a bottle of a wine plus a glass and were charged for 3 glasses total. I love that place. I like the place by you, too, but I'm partial to places where the batenders flirt and don't charge me for all that I can/should not drink.
MOE: I forgive the Marshall Stack its somewhat parsimonious approach to buybacks namely because it is literally two feet from my house. But there's another "headquarters" I've been known to frequent that started buying every third beer on my third or fourth visit, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Did I really deserve it? Is this just built into your business model like so many buy one get one half off promotions at Foot Locker, or is it actually a statement on your appreciation for the combination of liberal tipping habits and apparent dearth of disposable income to be lavishing on your tips and advanced age and tastes in beverage I secretly hope are enough of an advantage to continue surviving in this city as an irredeemable drunk...
MEGAN: I think it's liberal tipping, or my stunning personality. Or the fact that I am constantly in there, bringing people in and being, like, actually pleasant to bartenders. One of my friends thinks going out with me is hilarious because I know bartenders in so many different bars and I'm like, do you know how rarely people say please and thank you and treat them like humans rather than automatic drink dispensers?

MOE: Yeah or when you just learn that the "that bartender is TOTALLY IGNORING ME BECAUSE SHE HATES ME" sensation is a very self-obsessed one and that, if you just chill, they will come. Although sometimes at the Magician it can feel like it is taking a hysterically long time for the bartenders to remember there is another side of the bar. But hey people spend three days in line for bread in Venezuela.
MEGAN: And prolly longer for good dirt cookies in Haiti. You know, I will admit that I have in past years done better with male bartenders than female (cleavage=attention getting device) but lately I've been making friends with lady bartenders, too. I have one's card from last Friday night. She was fun. I taught her how to make a new champagne cocktail.
MOE: I don't know why I am talking so much about alcohol on this hangover but I do enjoy a Kir Royale once in awhile. I always figure bartenders respect that I stick to whiskey and the snobbiest ales they have on tap. But I flatter myself. And male or female it doesn't seem to matter in my case. Although making out at a bar you are more likely to be kicked out by females I think.
MEGAN: I've never been kicked out of a bar for making out. Being rowdy, yes. Making out, no.
MOE: Yeah, the Magician again. I guess I have some unresolved hostility toward that place.
MOE: Never kicked out for being rowdy though.
MOE: Oh wait I missed my segue.
MEGAN: Seg away!
MOE: Obama drank crap beer
MEGAN: God. Panderer.

MEGAN: Oooh, a minister asked McCain about the cunt thing! And he wouldn't say.
MOE: It worked!

Obama greeted George L Sheneman, 80, who pulled out a yellowed letter which Obama read and thanked the man for his service. Your pooler chatted later with Sheneman, who was born in North Liberty and who said he is now an Obama supporter. The letter was one of gratitude from President Truman, written in 1947 when he was discharged from Korea. He served there before the war.

MEGAN: We were in Korea before the war? Goddammit. Fucking military industrial complex.
MOE: Oh yes, okay, this guy who asked, Marty Parrish — was escorted by Secret Service agents for asking that? Seriously? What the fuck?

"We have a man whose temper can get the best of him," Parrish said. "What I am worried about is his temper. Our country is in a serious crisis. This election is the most significant one since 1860. It appears America is asleep — so I stood up and asked the question."

MEGAN: Since 1860? Awesome. Less awesome? Secret Service agents manhandling ministers. McCain handled it well (not the not answering part) but the escorting the guy out was stupid.
MEGAN: When did it become the Secret Service's mission to keep politicians from uncomfortable questions?
MOE: That really makes no sense to me.

MOE: Okay, I'm going to say something about Hillary.
MEGAN: WARNING: CONTROVERSIAL PARTISAN CONTENT TO FOLLOW
MOE: Maybe I am glad she has stayed around this long. Because the Republicans who are suspicious of Obama, namely because he breathes new life into Old Liberal Values and is, truly, "transformative" in terms of the ideological battle between left and right in this country, have been forced to reconsider Hillary entirely. And what started as "grudging self-serving respect" seems to have turned into something more genuine. I truly think some of the same Angry White Men who made her ankles and her cookies and her arrogance into such the Machialesbian Menace have changed their minds. I think the respect is more genuine today. I think they are listening to her when she talks. I could be wrong and it could all be a put-on. But hearing Fox News on the subject of Hillary is about the only thing I can really bear to hear them discuss that isn't, you know, celebushit.
MEGAN: I think part of it's put on, but I'd agree that being in it long enough had brought her more respect than she had before.
MEGAN: However, part of me selfishly wishes that the stupid thing was already decided.
MOE: I mean, of course it is. But in the put on I think a lot of partisan right wingers have really been forced to genuinely rethink Hillary. Ann Coulter is 95% satire, but there was some genuine fondness in her various pro-Hillary screeds, and I'd possibly say the same for Rush, and I think it's really fascinating. Because I never understood in the first place how she was so polarizing — I always thought she was just beholden, and possibly too interested in power for power's sake, and I hate Bill Clinton — and Bill O'Reilly's deference toward her I think was something of a watershed.

MOE: Oh also black churchgoers feel the same way we do about Jeremiah Wright
MEGAN: I think that's sort of where the sexism comes in. Plus they hate Bill Clinton, too, for coopting their messages and being a better politician than them. And possibly for fucking their wives/sisters/daughters.
MOE: I think the campaign has forced a lot of sexists to acknowledge their own sexism definitely. also
MOE: This funny blog called Jeremiah Wright an example of "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong" and I just got a reallll bad case of Chapelle nostalgia.
MOE: Where the Fuck is Dave right now for this election
MEGAN: Aw, Dave Chapelle! If it helps you come back, I'll totally pretend to not find you funny!
MEGAN: Jerking off into piles of cash?
MOE: Yeah I will come see you and bring 9 black people with me!
MEGAN: And I'll pretend to be shocked and slightly horrified by your comedy!

Bad Girls Club Was A Crazy Call And Response

Tracie — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:00:00 EDT

There's really no point to the Oxygen series Bad Girls Club, other than straight-up voyeurism of straight-up assholes, yet it's still riveting. Last night's episode was an example of that, because all that happened in the show's 22 minutes was that Cordelia (the former porn chick) got shit-faced and then screamed a bunch of crazy shit, which prompted her roommates to yell a bunch of crazy shit back at her. Some examples: "I've had plastic surgery, too!" "I had a threesome!" "I had an abusive ex-boyfriend and my dad's a crackhead!" Clip above.

Amy Winehouse Bombs In Birmingham (Live On Camera)

Tracie — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:00:00 EST

Those pesky camera phones! It makes it so drunks can't get away with anything anymore. Video clips of Amy Winehouse's disastrous performance in Birmingham last night have begun popping up online. Above is a collection of some of her more bizarre moments — stumbling around, saying "Nothing will ever bring my husband back," chugging booze instead of singing, trying to play guitar, and getting booed as she leaves the stage—taken by a fan in the crowd. Enjoy/cringe!

Celebrity Rehab: The Only "Promise" Is Lindsay Will Remain A Coke-Addled Lush Who Can't Drive

Moe — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 16:00:25 EDT

Call me naive; I always figured that, profligacy/paparazzi/presence of other addicted photogenic celebs aside, Lindsay was on balance better off in rehab than at, you know, Hyde. Really, what was I thinking? There is no crop of people more price-insensitive than a bunch of people used to watching a few grand disappear inside their nostrils every day, which is why the sliding scale for rehab in Malibu ranges from the ghetto no-frills cost of $15,000 a month to practically 70 grand a month at Passages, and not that I really give a shit about the exploitation and mistreatment of celebrities but I would like a little variety in my TMZ news cycle and today's LA Times investigation into Promises etc. actually managed to piss me off: there aren't even any fucking doctors working at these places!

Asked about the website staff listings for several Malibu centers, Lisa Fisher, spokeswoman for the state Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs, which licenses the firms, said the agency planned to investigate. "There should be no medical staff," Fisher said. "No medical services."
Fisher said the Malibu centers are allowed to recommend doctors to patients but that they should not create the impression that they have in-house physicians available to prescribe and administer drugs or provide other types of medical care.

Similarly, physicians are permitted to serve as counselors at rehab centers, but even in that role, they must refrain from practicing medicine as staff members, said Rebecca Lira, deputy director of licensing and certification for the alcohol and drug department. "I have never seen a physician who is only a counselor," Lira said.

Okay, so let me see if I have this straight: no one at these centers has any idea what the fuck they are doing, and they're probably only working there to sleep with celebrities and get paid off by paparazzi, which is why they tolerate it when the celebrities say racist things that offend everyone at rehab, and all of this makes a certain Jesus freak self-promoting felonious leech look good, well, that's Hollywood I guess. Oh also: everyone totally gets drunk and high all the time, and it's pretty much how Philip K. Dick could have predicted.

The Trouble With Rehab, Malibu Style [LA Times]

Smirnoff Source, The Official Beverage Of Summer 2007

Moe — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 16:04:49 EDT

Yesterday we read about Paula Abdul drinking a form of alcoholic water at a party. We expect that most of the "water" Paula drinks is alcoholic, but this was different: a spring water with 3.5% alcohol content called Smirnoff Source. Just in time for Lindsay's 21st! A "water" for people who are, you know, "sober"! A Google search revealed that the Source was swilled by none other than Samantha Ronson and Anna Kournikova — beloved by winos AND anas alike! — and that it was somehow, like everything else consumed by Hollywood these days, "green." The only other thing we needed to know was how to get a case sent over to the house as quickly as possible! So we IM-ed intern Cheryl. Who, as it turned out, was familiar with Smirnoff Source already, because when liquor companies launch new beverages she is the sort of drunk who sets trends among other drunks. Her verdict: "It's what you drink when you're done with your 'real' drinks." Like Maker's Mark, you mean? After the jump, her review.

I TRIED SMIRNOFF SOURCE on the patio of one of those charming nautical-themed beach bars in Rhode Island over Memorial Day Weekend. You may remember Memorial Day; I would estimate my blood alcohol around the level at which I would have felt comfortable letting Lindsay drive and therefore do not remember much. I had been drinking all day for three days straight and was, at this point, using alcohol just to stay awake, which doesn't even make sense. Okay.

So I first noticed Smirnoff Source when one of my friends was holding a bottle of "water" that looked suspiciously like SmartWater, only glass. I asked her why the fuck she was drinking water and she said it wasn't water, but ALCOHOL IN WATER. I called her a liar and then promptly tried it. From what I remember, I didn't hate it and I hate all drinks that aren't beer or vodka or rum or tequila. I think the point of malt liquor is to allow young teenage girls who don't like the taste of alcohol to get drunk. But this didn't taste like your regular frat boy molester-tonic; and it wasn't nauseatingly sweet either. It was like synthetic green tea or lightly sweetened lemon water, and yet somehow there was alcohol (3.5%) in it.

Unfortunately the packaging left something to be desired; glass and sized for man-hands, most of the free promotional bottles were found shattered on the dance floor by the end of the night. (I hope Diageo has good insurance!) Another slight problem was that one of my more-drunk friends mistook the Source bottle for water (How could she? I mean it even says "SPRING WATER: with a touch of alcohol" in small print...) and then proceeded to vomit. A lot. ("It tastes just like water, only the WHOLE TIME IT'S DEHYDRATING YOU," she mused later.) For more veteran drunks such as myself, however, I think Smirnoff Source may even serve as a hangover helper due to its spring water content; I awoke the following afternon curiously merely groggy-ish (I had, admittedly, consumed a thousand or so calories worth of fries). But I'm not here to state scientific fact, I'm here to state my opinion. Which is: I would drink the Sauce, er, "Source" again, gladly, after a dozen or so real drinks. - CHERYL CAMPBELL

Paula Abdul 45th Birthday Party [Gatecrasher]
Earlier: In Which We Try Out A Little Moderation

Amy Winehouse Onscreen Not So Different Than Amy Winehouse Offscreen

Tracie — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 13:07:59 EDT

Since losing all that weight and gaining all that back-comb, Amy Winehouse has been looking like a cracked-out whore—and now she's playing one on cable TV! Thanks to photographer/film director David LaChappelle, who directed Winehouse's latest video, "These Tears Dry on Their Own" (probably the best single from Back to Black), we get to see what it would be like if Amy were a hooker on Hollywood Boulevard. (Spoiler alert: It's sorta the same as her regular life!) The upswing, though, is that every single extra in the video is sinfully ugly, which comparatively makes Amy look kinda pretty. —Slut Machine

Related: Talking Smack About Famous People You Met [Gawker]