Jezebel: drunkorexia

Reader Roundup

Jessica — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:40:00 EDT

Best Comment of the Day, in response to Drunorexia: BAD. NEWS.: "This is good news, I was hoping to take a few inches off my hippocampus (it's one of my problem areas)." We say: oh my god, my temporal lobes are obese! • Worst, in response to Hugh Jackman: Cute, But Not Quite King Of The World: "Though, by the looks of things, he could sail a ship with just his triceps. Flap, flappy flap flap." We say: the Jezolution '08 applies to men, too. Leave Hugh and his hotness alone!

[Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You]

BAD. NEWS.

Moe — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:53:54 EDT

For people who like wine i.e. the ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES: "It could explain why millions forget what they are doing mid-task, or arrive in a room only to forget why they went there in the first place," according to our favorite British newspaper. Time to go on the Jezebel Diet.[Daily Mail]

Ann, Babydoll, You Gotta Eat Something

Moe — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 15:00:30 EDT

Dear Ann Coulter, we need a chit-chat. Ever since you endorsed Hillary that fateful night on Fox, you've been growing on me. The problem is, you haven't been growing. To be perfectly frank, we didn't care so much about your eating disorder before you came out and told Hillary exactly what we've been wanting to say to her all these years re that husband of hers: "You're too good for him, Hillary". But there's a worrisome trend: as your public statements increasingly reveal you to be a mere parody of yourself, your eating habits are following suit. What is this we hear about you eschewing food to chew Nicorette all night at some fancy gathering of the hateful over the weekend? Oh sure, you were there with Bob Novak, and vehicles for the Bush Administration's relentless and profligate abuse of power make me lose my appetite too, but come on, lady: we all know that of all the things God was hoping you'd give up for Lent, calories were pretty far down the list.

What's the deal? I hear you're dating Lloyd Grove these days; dude doesn't exactly have an emaciated indie rock physique...so what's it? Well, duh! It's a long-harbored mental illness. But knowing you, adopting some sort of touchy-feely First World clinical term to describe what you'd probably describe as basic figure maintenance would fly in the face of all your flawed ideological principles, so here's my advice: don't. You don't have time for an existential crisis. Don't succumb to one. Instead, just eat something. A sandwich, a Snickers bar. Regular Americans do it every day. You don't have to go bingeaholic, babe, just pack a Luna bar in with whatever amphetamines you take every morning. And in lieu of the chablis, try a beer! What's more American than drunkorexia, Ann?

Hillary, Stand By Some Other Man [Townhall]
Bush Serenade Is A Gridiron Smash [Washington Post]
Ann Coulter: As Long As Someone Wants To Date Your Bony Body, You're Not Anorexic

Eating Disorders Can Turn You Into An Alcoholic. Is That So Bad?

Moe — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:30:45 EST

Why will an anorexic tormented by the prospect of eating a single grape gladly knock back a few glasses of wine? The New York Times pondered the dilemma of "drunkorexia" this weekend and came up generally with the answer: because it makes you drunk, duh, and drunkenness cures everything, including most of the brain activity responsible for most humans' general malaise. I would also add that wine tastes a lot better than grapes, or indeed, most foods, or that, in fact, most alcoholic beverages taste better than most foods, which is why beer forms the foundation of the food pyramid I established when I was masterminding the "Jezebel Diet." Then there is the fact that if you are one of those people who feels fat all the time, the alcohol kind of solves that problem, and the fact that it can jump-start a faulty upchuck engine, if you're into that.

So anyway, it seems a lot of women seem to be coping with their eating disorders by replacing them with an alcohol dependency problem. Given all the problems celebrity eating disorders into which seem to evolve — ahem, Amy, Lindsay, Anna Nicole, etc. — I would say this is not such a terrible thing. Eventually they'll all recognize that the starve-drink-purge-large brunch-Gatorade-coffee-cigarette-nap cycle isn't really helping them lose weight so much as it's killing their productivity, and they will start ordering food again like a normal person, at which point they will realize their stomachs are incapable of breaking down anything without the assistance of alcohol.

Yes I am talking about myself. Anyway, this is why I advocate beer, because it kills the fewest brain cells and we need all the brains we can get to avoid going down that whole "eating disorders" road again.

Starving Themselves, Cocktail In Hand [NY Times]
Earlier: If You Drink Six Beers For Dinner, Are You 'Drunkorexic'?

Don't Drink And Diet This Weekend

Moe — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 17:30:00 EST

Before we start attending to the serious business of scowling intently at bartenders we wrongly suspect of ignoring us and wildly overtipping them to compensate for that — oh why pretend, I'm already drinking — we'd like to present you with this sobering image. It's Meagan Harper, Oregon 30-year-old and female record holder in the Smoking Gun's "highest blood alcohol level at time of arrest" contest. At 5'11 and 130 pounds, Harper's shocking 0.55 blood alcohol content suggests to us she hadn't had very much to eat the day police found her passed out in a car parked outside a pizza parlor. (Fun fact: Being passed out drunk in the front seat of a parked car: illegal!) And don't think it can't happen to you drunkorexics!

Back in college, before I even had much of a problem with alcohol, I had a problem with over-the-counter diuretics, laxatives, and overall not eating. Add a stressful schedule and two cups of Everclear punch to that mix and guess what the school addiction counselor told me my BAL at the time of entrance to the emergency room was?

A: 0.35

So along with not drinking and driving, ladies, don't drink and starve yourself this weekend. I know you feel fat from the crap your parents keep around the house, but make sure to accompany every adult beverage with plenty of salty snacks, electrolyte-infused sports drinks and real Coca cola. Happy New Year! [Yeah, we'll be blogging on Monday. -Ed.]

Megan Harper [TSG]