[New York, September 30. Image via WENN.]

• American Idol runner-up Adam Glambert has been vague about his sexuality, but a source says:

He'll come out, officially, on the cover of the next Rolling Stone. [Page Six]

• For the love of Zeus: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer might be back on. Here is an actual quote from a "source" o the set of The Baster: "[John] wasn't calling her or texting her. But, as she got lonelier and the shoot for her new movie wore on, she started reaching out to him, sometimes very late at night and sometimes after a few too many glasses of wine." Boozy old lonely sad tragic drunk dialing! [MSNBC]
• Jen Aniston's movie is filming near her ex-roommate's restaurant; the roomie is the one who wrote a memoir and depicted Aniston as "weight-obsessed." Unscripted dramz. [Page Six]
• Pierce Brosnan saved Uma Thurman from an out-of-control van on the set of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief! He saw the runaway vehicle "hurtling down a hill" towards Uma and jumped into the drivers' seat and slammed on the brakes. [Daily Express]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Nicole Kidman dyed her hair red and has a "poochy stomach," so clearly she must be pregnant. [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have been dating for about a week but she is "already following A-Rod around." [Page Six]
• Order in the court! Al Roker got in big trouble yesterday for snapping pictures while on jury duty. [NY Daily News]
• Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman together on Broadway? Can your ovaries stand it? [NY Daily News]
• The ex-wife of Jon Cryer (aka Duckie Dale) has been arrested for felony child neglect. [TMZ]
• Is Demi Moore going to the UK without Ashton Kutcher? Well that would mean a woman acting independently of her husband! Sound the alarm! [Mirror]
• "Carla Bruni: I feel pain when people criticise my husband... and mock my low-heeled shoes." [Daily Mail]
• Will Susan Boyle bail out of Britain's Got Talent? At this point, she could get a record deal without actually finishing the program. "The producers of the show are going to do everything in their power to make sure she is there on May 30," said a source close to the show. "Whatever Susan wants between now and then, she'll have." [MSNBC Scoop]
• This report says that network bosses will not get rid of Susan Boyle, despite the fears that she's not coping well with her new-found fame. [Mirror]
• Before he joined the cast of SNL, Andy Samberg worked as a writer for the MTV Movie Awards. So the fact that he's hosting Sunday's show means he's coming full circle, in a way. He says: "It's going to be action packed. There's going to be some surprises - nothing I can divulge, but it will involve celebrities. It's going to be great. There's going to be some pre-taped stuff, some digital shorts-style stuff, and a lot of fun collaborations." [AP]
• The rules for I'm A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here state that there is to be "no bullying, nonconsensual touching, racist or homophobic language, romantic advances (at least ones 'which are not desired or returned'), assault or sex in camp." Can Heidi and Spencer abide? [Gatecrasher]
• Four words: Bridget Jones The Musical. [NY Post]
• Is Disney being cheap with Miley Cyrus? She's getting "only" $5,000 for a week of work to guest star on The Suite Life On Deck. [TMZ]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin spent Memorial Day apart: She took the kids on a boat ride in North Carolina; he was seen in an upstate New York bar with two women. [People]
• Here's video of the Gossip Girl cast talking about various things; Blake Lively has been traveled through Asia on her break from the show and is halfway to getting certified for her scuba license. Penn Badgley went with her and grew a beard, saying, "I looked like a homeless person." [E!]
• The Jonas Brothers do not fight, says Nick Jonas. "We get along very well. I think it's just because we have a different kind of respect for one another, being in the band together. We consider each other as equals. There's no picking on the youngest, it's just not that way." Boo. Zzzzz. [Mirror]
• "Her sunglasses gleam. Her skin is scrubbed, her body pneumatic, her vast white teeth dazzling in the sunshine. Meeting Kruger is, in fact, an almost entirely predictable experience. She is pleasant and pretty and punctual […] She looks extraordinary on screen, but disarmingly normal face-to-face. She is not alienatingly gorgeous […] bland, malleable beauty […]" — from a profile on Diane Kruger. [Guardian]
• Lily Allen will have a cameo appearance in the Aussie soap Neighbors. [Independent]
• Cate Blanchett's Sydney Theatre Company is thankful to Tom Stoppard, whose play Rock and Roll sold the largest number of tickets over the last 12 months. [Telegraph]
• So Mayim Bialik is the first celeb on What Not To Wear, but Stacy London and Clinton Kelly had some restrictions: the woman formerly known as Blossom doesn't wear pants or leather. [People]
• Sherri Shepherd will be taking WWE superstar wrestler Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) to the prom. No, really. [Page Six]
• Dr. Dre appears in a Dr. Pepper ad, and so do eight seconds of his new, long-awaited album, Detox. [LA Times, Reuters]
• Comedian Zach Galifianakis gets a lot of big-screen time in The Hangover, which could make him into a movie star. [WSJ]
• NBC CEO Jeff Zucker says Seinfeld would not make it on TV today, since shows have less time to mature. [CBS News]
• An Australian woman was sentenced to more than two years in prison today for stalking American Idol's Diana DeGarmo over the Internet. [AP]
• Amy Adams will star in Leap, about a very detail-oriented woman who plans to propose to her boyfriend on Leap Day — "and things sort of go off course with the help of a very handsome, roguish Irishman." Matthew Goode is her co-star. [USA Today]
• Break out the jazz flute: Will Ferrell's in talks to do an Anchorman sequel. [NY Daily News]
• Emily Mortimer has purchased a house in Amagansett, Long Island. [Daily Express]
• Chris Martin has lost his voice and Coldplay had to cancel a show in Saratoga Springs, NY. [The Sun]
• Steve Martin's banjo music CD means the actor is on the U.S. pop album chart for the first time since 1981. [Reuters]
• Lucy Gordon, the Spider-Man 3 actress who was found dead in her paris apartment last week, apparently hanged herself, two days before her 29th birthday. She had just finished filming her role as British model-actress Jane Birkin in the biopic of Serge Gainsbourg when she died. [People]
• Phil Spector will be sentenced today. [UPI]
• The Rockabye Baby! CD has hits by Nirvana, Queen, AC/DC, Bob Marley and Pink Floyd — done in lullaby version. With the lights out, it's less dangerous? [The Sun]
• Blind item: "Which former newscaster was so drunk at a recent fete that she could barely remember her own name, never mind what day it was?" [Gatecrasher]
• "There are people who take the quest for youth too far. Madonna – she's from the show-off brigade. She makes my skin crawl. I call her desperate. I know she's got a wonderful willpower and beauty regime but talk about the ‘me' generation wrapped up in one! I think as you get older, you get the face you deserve. I'm hoping that good habits will get me through." — former Dynasty actress Stephanie Beacham. [Daily Express]
• "I tried really hard not to be who I am. I tried super hard. It was a difficult journey for me to come to terms and be whole and happy with who I am." — Kelly McGillis, who says coming out as a lesbian has not been easy, either. [People]
• "It is sad that Linda Hogan continues to attempt to throw her family under the bus to gain publicity. In terms of the ongoing divorce suit, Hulk Hogan and his legal team would gladly take Linda up on her offer to submit to a legally supervised drug test and certainly Terry would do the same. We believe the results would speak for themselves and reveal that Linda's idea of a good time would definitely not be appropriate for Mass or a family restaurant." — An attorney for Hulk Hogan. [Perez]
• "The Tonight Show means everything to me. I'll have good moments and bad, but I'll keep coming at it. At 4 a.m., I do wake up sometimes and go, 'Oh my God, it's The Tonight Show. But nothing funny comes out of reverence. I'll take care of this franchise. The key is to put aside the fear and say, 'Let's just make some people laugh.'" — Conan O'Brien, who plans to host the show "Until I'm 160, because there will be medical advancements. Fallon will take over for me when I retire at 108 to travel with my family. But it won't be Jimmy, it'll be his brain in a jar." [USA Today]
• "As I look around my friends' Tweets I see banality on all sides. I think if people were able to take these 140 characters (allowed in each post) and develop a poetic Western form - a haiku of our own in which all human existence could be compressed into those 140 characters - that would be a satisfying thing, but that's not what I see when I read them." — Hugh Laurie on Twitter. [MSNBC]
• "Tattoos are sexy. I love my name on a woman; it lets me know I'm serious" — Tyrese Gibson to InStyle. [Page Six]
• "I really want to work with Madonna. It doesn't seem a likely pairing, maybe, but I just think that she is so creative and has such vision." — Adam "Glambert" Lambert. [Mirror]

But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

• Kate Moss has been cooking for her boyfriend, Jamie Hince. Now she wants to be the first supermodel to release a cook book and it may be kosher for passover.

• "Kate recently cooked Jamie a Jewish meal following kosher techniques from Stasha. It's all she's been talking about," says a source. [Hollywood Rag]
• Here are some more details about Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan's split. Lohan denies they're through, but a source claims, "This time, Sam means it." [Us]
• Samantha Ronson uploaded a picture of this cocaine cake to Twitter, which means whatever it means. [Jossip]
• Hugh Jackman is now on Twitter. [Just Jared]
• Miley Cyrus is now wearing a promise ring. [Hollywood Rag]
• The Sex and the City sequel has a big problem - Chris Noth has yet to sign on due to "scheduling problems." [Yahoo via E!]
• There's a seven minute behind the scenes video from Beyoncé's Nintendo DSi commercial. This is has shocked and captivated YouTube audiences because she "comes across as pleasant and un-diva-ish" in the video. [Brandfreak]
• You can watch Beyonce's performance on the animated Nickelodeon show, Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! here: [People]
• Here are some pictures of ANTM judge and former supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 43, prancing around topless on the beach. [City Rag]
• As mentioned earlier, Farrah Fawcett is in the hospital. She's being treated for a complication from a routine procedure and her doctor and producer told the AP that despite previous reports, she's "not on death's door." [AP]
• Harrison Ford, Calista Flockhart and her son Liam took a tour of the White House briefing room and took pictures next to the podium before heading to the West Wing. Does playing the president mean you're allowed to wander around the White House? [Politico]
• Colin Powell is going to be on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. He'll be thanking a disabled Gulf War veteran for his service, not getting his home remodeled. [Yahoo]
• Nicole Kidman didn't sell pictures of her baby, Sunday Rose, but she did share a picture from her iPhone during the Academy of Country Music Awards. You can check it out here: [E!]
• LeAnn Rimes wore her wedding ring to the Academy of Country Music Awards this weekend, but she didn't bring her husband and didn't thank him in her acceptance speech. [Perez Hilton]
• Dennis Rodman was asked to leave a hotel in Hollywood because he was slapping and groping female guests, and yelling obscenities. "He is the most obscene and out of control guest I've ever seen up here," a hotel staffer said. [TMZ]
• The first Melrose Place veteran cast in the CW remake of the show is Laura Leighton. [Star]
• Former Bachelorette stars Trista and Ryan Sutter have welcomed their second child, Blakesley Grace Sutter. [Star]
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long may be on again. They were seen strolling on the beach over the weekend. [Just Jared]
• In this video Whitney Houston and daughter Bobbi Kristina laugh when told that Bobby Brown is having another child. [TMZ]
• Why were Dr. Dre and Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer hanging out on the beach this weekend? [TMZ]
• Emily Blunt says she's going to take up the cello again. "I played it for a very long time when I was a kid. Then I stopped playing because I was a teenager and rebellious," she said. [Newsweek]
• Hugh Hefner fell asleep during his 83rd birthday party this weekend. [TMZ]
• Ha: "Has Paris Hilton finally found her real-life Ken?" [The Daily Mail]
• Viggo Mortenson has quit making films ... unless the right role comes along, that is. He says, "No more movies. I haven't said yes to one in over a year ... If it all dries up now, I've had a good run." [New York Mag]
• On a radio show, Spencer Pratt was asked to name artists Heidi Montag is more talented than. He said, "Madonna, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Beyonce and Christina Aguilera. I wouldn't even compare them to Heidi's level. I am in the studio everyday with Heidi I know what's coming. I can make claims like that." [Pop Dirt]

• Rihanna is reportedly attempting to help boyfriend Chris Brown save his public image by bringing him along on animal rescue missions, tracking down stray dogs and cats and placing them in safe foster homes. [TheSun]

• "Diners and staff patrol the neighbourhood, looking for stray animals that need help," says a source, speaking about the program run by the LA restaurant Birds, "Rihanna has told managers she will be bringing Chris along to a rescue mission." [TheSun]
• Sean "Diddy" Combs apparently had no idea that Chris Brown was using his home to reconcile with Rihanna: "Chris called and said he needed to crash at Diddy's house while he was recording. He said it would just be him and his mom," says a source. "Chris is a dog," another source says,"He's always been so critical and nasty to Rihanna, making fun of her accent." [PageSix]
• Rihanna still isn't sure if she will testify against Brown or not. "It's very troubling to her family, her friends and her handlers," says a source, "Everybody's up in arms about her about-face. Some people think it could pose an obstacle to her career. Rihanna goes back and forth about whether she'll cooperate with the DA, or how much. There are days when she wakes up and says, 'I have to do this.' But, other days, she is willing to give Chris a break. Until she gets to court, I don't think anybody knows what she's going to do." [NYDN]
• Mischa Barton's parents apparently don't quite understand what their daughter actually does for a living: "My mom and dad are still a bit confused and cautious about what I do," Barton says. Uh, so are we? [ShowbizSpy]
• Turns out M.I.A. didn't name her baby "Ickitt" after all. According to her MySpace page: ""MY BABY IS NOT CALLED ICKITT, PICKIT OR LICKIT THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HES A BABY, HE DONT NEED PRESS! I DIDNT RELEASE THE BABY NAME BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK IT WAS NEWS!!!!" When there's any real news for her fans, she'll let them know. "TILL THEN," she writes, "GO PICK ON APPLE, SATCHEL AND MOON UNIT." [US Weekly]
• An N.W.A. biopic is in the works. Ice Cube, Dr.Dre and Tomica Wright, Eazy-E's widow, will produce. [EW]
• In more movie news, Tracy Morgan and Martin Lawrence have signed on to join Chris Rock in Neil LaBute's remake of Death at a Funeral. [HollywoodReporter]
• Blind item: "This former high profile TV Personality is so happy to have a man, she can't contain herself. When they appear at public events, she is often loud and boisterous. When friends make suggestions to her to tone it down, she just rolls her eyes and gets louder. She wants everyone to see her and her new man." [BlindGossip]
• "People say what they are going to say and there's nothing I can do about that. I've been doing this for so long and I've grown up really fast. I haven't got different responsibilities to other people my age, and it's taken me time to recognize that. I've gone through the phases that I have had to go through, now I am growing up."-Lindsay Lohan [ShowbizSpy]
• For a lovely start to your Saturday, you might want to check out these pictures of Ryan Gosling. [JustJared]
• Kelly Clarkson believes in the power of karma: "I don't think I'd fall in love easily - I had a boyfriend, who I discovered was only with me because he wanted to be famous," she says, "Oh, and he had a girlfriend the entire time we were together. I can spot a cheat a mile off these days. I was hurt but karma's a b***h and I'm sure he'll reap what he sowed." [ShowbizSpy]
• Meanwhile, Clarkson will be joined by Kanye West on an upcoming episode of American Idol. Clarkson will plug her new album, and Kanye will perform "Heartless." [NYTimes]
• Emma Watson was seen leaving a club with the words "Be Emma" scrawled on her chest. [DailyMail]
• Fergie has no plans to have children anytime soon: "I'm not going to be because I'm going on tour," she says, "I wouldn't want to do that to the poor child." [E!]
• Julia Roberts is a big fan of the Obama family: "I have such the White House crush happening right now for all four of the Obamas!" Roberts says, "[Michelle] seems to be a person who is really authentic and shows who she really is." [ShowbizSpy]
• 50 Cent has some words of wisdom for aspiring rapper Joaquin Phoenix: "He should write about the things that he has real interest in, the things he has been influenced by. Because, when an artist writes something that's totally away from their experience period, it can't be embraced. Like when you have a former correctional officer (Rick Ross) write from the biggest drug dealer in Miami's perspective, they don't get it," 50 says, "It's not necessary for you to be involved in criminal activity at any point in your life for you to be a part of hip-hop. You can come in and write from a totally positive perspective." [DailyExpress]
• Amy Winehouse dealt with her recent assault charges by partying pretty hard at a charity function: "She was clearly drunk," says a source, "She knocked candles off a display unit, then started climbing up a bookshelf." [TheSun]
• Vanilla Ice is sorry to the extreme for his most famous hit: "I'm sorry," Ice says on his YouTube page, "Even though Ice Ice Baby sold over 40million copies worldwide. I'm sorry for the hairdos, the baggy pants, the scandals and I'm sorry about the music. I was young, manipulated and I was a puppet." Well, you know what they say, Ice. Anything less than the best is a felony. And now I'm sorry for getting that song in your head. Whoops! [TheSun]

• "Life poet" Joaquin Phoenix on his rap career:

"I want it to be big. Not big like popular. I want it to really try and be, for me, the culmination of my life thus far. I realize it's going to be for public consumption, so there are songs that are about - there are dance songs. Most of it, I think, is an internal exploration." Like a rectal exam? [USA Today]

• James Gray, the director of Joaquin's latest film, Two Lovers, says of JP's hip-hop thing: "If it's an act, it's the most committed act I've ever seen in my life. I mean, he built a studio [in his house]." ABC News]
• If you want to talk to Joaquin Phoenix, prepare to sign a release, because it's gonna be filmed for his documentary. [Gatecrasher]
• A Friday gift: Video of Clive Owen, talking about The International. Why is the way he says "shootout" so sexy? [WSJ]
• Madonna went on a date with Jesus Luz in New York last night; they dined at a steakhouse and talked about Kabbalah. [Daily Mail]
• Before "baby" Jesus left Brazil to hang out with her Madgesty, he had two different girlfriends. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman has donated £230,000 to help victims of the Australian bushfires. She says: "As Australians, I think the biggest thing is that, no matter where you are in the world, we support each other and we rally." [The Sun]
• This report says that teen fashion designer Kira Plastinina may have been the cause of the Chris Brown/Rihanna fight. [Extra]
• Chris Brown has left Las Vegas and is on his way to meet his mom; she lives in Virginia but it's unclear if he is headed there or if they are meeting somewhere else. [E!]
• Reports persist that Chris and Rihanna's right started with a text from another woman; Leona Lewis, Paris Hilton and Keisha Chanté were all suspected of flirting with Chris, but all deny it. [E!]
• Roger Friedman from Fox seems to think Paris Hilton is involved. [Fox 411]
• When Rihanna wore an eyepatch in concert last year, was it because Chris Brown had injured her eye? [The Sun]
• Chris Brown is seeking a "crisis-management expert." [EW]
• Oh no: Details of how the surgery of Tameka Foster Raymond — Usher's wife — went terribly wrong: She went to Brazil to get lipo and right after she went under general anesthesia, she suffered cardiac arrest. Of course, Usher's rep issued a statement on February 8 which read: "Tameka Raymond is in stable condition after suffering complications from routine surgery in Brazil." Bold ours, obviously. This may be a case of surgery too soon after childbirth: Their second son is two months old. [People]
• Speaking of surgery, a doctor who does not treat him says Michael Jackson's nose "will collapse" after a staph infection he may have contracted after a nose job. [The Sun]
• Grey's Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes heard that T.R. Knight and Katherine Heigl were leaving Grey's Anatomy and says: "That was a very interesting rumor. And it's not true." [People]
• Boooo: Victoria Beckham was considered to be a judge on American Idol, but she was too busy. Wouldn't you love to see Posh take on the wacky kids? [Mirror]
• Dina Lohan owes $11,485.74 in taxes on her Long Island home, and today is the deadline to pay. [TMZ]
• Oscar-nominated film-maker Stephen Daldry is pondering a remake of My Fair Lady, with Keira Knightley as Eliza Doolittle. Asks this reporter, Wouldn't it be luvverly? [Daily Mail]
• Who will score an interview with post-bong-pic Michael Phelps? [Page Six]
• Even though Hugh Grant is supposed to be with Jemima Khan, he was seen making out with two women in New York Tuesday night. [Gatecrasher]
• Monday night, Hugh Grant made out with Drew Barrymore. [Page Six]
• Sienna Miller is ShoWest 2009's supporting actress of the year. This summer she'll be in the giant GI Joe flick. [Hollywood Reporter]
• News you can't use: Kimora Lee Simmons prepared for Valentine's Day by getting her armpit hair lasered off. [Page Six]
• Eminem's new track, "Crack A Bottle," featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent, set a new first-week record for download sales. [Reuters]
• What is going on over at Desperate Housewives? Eva Longoria and Teri Hatcher are going to kiss in an upcoming episode? Sounds like a desperate reach for ratings. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Did anyone know that Jennifer Hudson's fiancé is training with hopes to be a WWE wrestler? [Perez]
• Mira Sorvino is pregnant with baby number 3. [ET]
• Did Michael Stipe and his entourage once visit Mario Batali's restaurant after the kitchen was closed and keep the place open, ringing up a tab of $5,000? And then not tip or say thank you?!?!?! [Perez]
• Some dude bought a Blackberry on eBay and it had phone numbers for Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Kevin Spacey programmed into it, among others. [Telegraph]
• Kevin Costner's wife Christine gave birth to a baby boy, Hayes Logan Costner, on Thursday night. They have another son named Cayden who is almost 2. [ET]
• Living legend Jane Birkin has a new album, and she wrote all of the songs herself. You may know her as Serge Gainsbourg's love interest, as Charlotte Gainsbourg's mom, or as the inspiration for the Birkin bag. [Dazed Digital]
• The band Yes has canceled concert dates due to "unforeseen" medical reasons. [AP]
• Blind item: "Which disturbed loser is more of a cad than we thought? He's spilling the beans about his former flame's kinky sex habits to anyone who'll listen." [Gatecrasher]
• "[I wanted] to be named New York senator. I can't believe Paterson didn't ask. I even had a slogan: 'Make the switch, vote for the bitch.'" — Joy Behar. [Gatecrasher]
• "I realized partying is not what I am anymore." — Tara Reid, on her new sober life. [Daily Express]
• "I adored him, and I felt adored by him... he said to be a good parent, you never say no." — Emily Mortimer, on her father, who died in January. He was an author and created of a popular UK TV series. [Daily Mail]
• "It's one of those vampire movies. It's very funny. It's me with the beard." — Salma Hayek on her facial hair in her new flick, Cirque du Freak. [USA Today]
• "Toward the end of the shoot, he kept saying 'Oh I'm so tired, I'm so tired.' You hear that kind of thing and you think it's a joke. I just ignored it. I drove up to his house because his phone was disconnected. He said, 'I don't want to act anymore, I've been doing it for 30 years and if you did something for 30 years, you'd want to quit too.' That rap thing ... in the movie actually comes from something I played for him. I had an obsession with doing that sort of thing as a teenager. ... It turns out that Joaquin is imitating me in a lot of the movie. He said, 'I want to do that, I want to steal from that, I want to do the rap that you used to do.' I said, 'OK.' And now I'm seeing him do this thing, and I feel like I've ruined Joaquin Phoenix for the world. I don't want to be the guy that destroyed Joaquin Phoenix's acting career." — James Gray, the director of Two Lovers. [ABC News]
• "You drop some weight just by running after them." — Naomi Watts on her "body after baby." [People]
• "I'm 43 years old and I haven't ever really had a good relationship." — Moby. [NY Mag]
• "Seal always puts a smile on my face. We make each other laugh all the time. Laughing is good. I understand that life is not always just a smile all the time. But when you're facing problems, it doesn't make it better if you're kind of miserable. I always try to have a positive feeling. Every morning when I get up, I'm happy to be here. Even when I'm tired because the kids have been crying in the night, they come in and want mama and crawl into my bed. They look at you and they have that smile on their faces and life is good." — Heidi Klum. [The Star]
• "The pageantry of getting your hair curled and then all these beautiful clothes put on you — it was totally different. It was an escape. In Hollywood, you feel a responsibility to look less disheveled than you are. But I'm a mom and I'm not good at putting time into prepping. I tell my girlfriends — imagine if all the time you put into waxing and primping, you took all of that energy and put it into something useful." — Isla Fisher, on getting styled for Confessions Of A Shopaholic. [WSJ]

• Sources say Paula Abdul is basically done with American Idol. Just like when she sees a mediocre contestant, it's all: "Thank you, but no." [MSNBC Scoop]

• Former American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe says maybe it was the producers' fault that "stalker" Paula Goodspeed ended up in the same room with Abdul on the show: "We've seen over 700,000 contestants. And one has made a terrible, terrible mistake." [People]
• Macaulay Culkin's sister Dakota died yesterday in a terrible traffic accident in L.A.; she stepped off a curb and was struck by a car. [TMZ]
• Scarlett Johansson talks about hubs Ryan Reynolds: "Getting married is a huge moment in anyone's life, and the few months leading up to it were a little crazy. But Ryan and I are in love, and we're enjoying evolving our relationship together. I feel that my life and my work are heading in the right direction." Also? They're both very romantic. Just so you know. [Perez Hilton]
• Holy sunglasses! Stevie Wonder might be the next contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Stevie sez: "It'd be fun. It's not impossible, but right now it's just a thought… Come on. You've got to think. If I have 7 children, I've got to be able to dance right?" [Perez Hilton]
• Oooh, a book exposing secrets about Martha Stewart? Written by a member of her own family? Intimate details of Martha's boozing, eating and crying binges… the stars she hates, what really happened in prison and her "special" lady friend. A good thing? [Jossip]
• Tom Cruise's new flick, Valkyrie: Reviews are meh. Not good for a $90 million picture. [Fox 411]
• Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty are still going strong; they were seen checking out some rock show in Hollywood. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Watch Sienna miller act like a mental patient as she wanders around in a hospital gown and smears blood on a wall in this video by UK band The Hours. Deep. [Just Jared]
• Mariah Carey's world tour is canceled. Bun in oven? [Perez Hilton]
• Britney's kid burped while she was wishing people Merry Christmas in a video or her site. Charming! [People]
• Heath Ledger's family is "so proud" the actor got a Golden Globe nomination for The Dark Knight. [People]
• There's a London couple being sentenced for supplying drugs to a "hit list" of celebs including — wait for it — Amy Winehouse. [The Star]
• "Of the 90 or so actors to grace the Saturday Night Live stage since its first show in 1975, only eight have been African-American." Boo. And ridiculous. [Gatecrasher]
• Here's everything you never wanted to know about how Samantha Ronson is suing the lawyer she hired to stop Perez Hilton from spreading rumors about her and how the lawyer is suing her right back and how blogs are writing about the whole thing. [LA Times]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are joining the cast of Classic Stage Company’s production of Uncle Vanya. Pretty daamn cute, being in a plaay together. [NY Times]
• Ugly Betty's Ashley Jensen is suing the host of Bravo's Flipping Out, Jeff Lewis over "aggressive threats and outrageous behavior." [TMZ]
• We've heard this one before but here it is again: Seal says Heidi Klum told him she was pregnant after their first date. "I laughed and said, 'Already? That’s amazing!' She said, 'Not with you stupid.' There was a pause of about 10 seconds," Seal says, "and I said, 'It doesn’t change the way I feel about you because the fact that you are here tells me that you think a lot about me.'" [Mirror]
• Enrique Inglesias groped a 17-year-old girl on stage in London while singing to her. Well, he put his hand on her heart. But that is kind of close to some other stuff. The young lady in question, Maria from Essex says: "I had such an amazing night. I'll never forget it. It felt like a dream. He's so hot." [Mirror]
• Gilmore Girls star Lauren Graham is coming back to primetime! Look for her in an ABC comedy from writer Alex Herschlag (Will and Grace) about a self-help guru who teaches women how to live a stress-free life — but struggles to follow her own advice when her boyfriend dumps her. [Variety]
• Eminem and Dr. Dre are back in the studio, and Em says he and his mentor are "up to our old mischievous ways." Good news. [Reuters]
• Real estate drama between Nicolette Sheridan and former fiancé Michael Bolton: Dude is homeless! [Page Six]
• Did Gwyneth Paltrow have a boob job? [Page Six]
• Axl Rose is anthropophobic — afraid of people. Some people are probably quite Axlphobic. [Page Six]
• If you smell the pungent scent of marijuana, know this: Willie Nelson cannot be far away. [Page Six]
• Kim Raver's heading to Ethiopia for UNICEF. [Page Six]
• Whitney Port has finally discovered that L.A. guys are trolls and New York guys are "more confident and know what they want." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which rehabbed starlet convinced a group of college kids to bring her a big bag of powder? She hoarded all the drugs for herself before kicking the kids out of her hotel. But the crew had the last laugh - they stole her entire liquor stash as they left." [Gatecrasher]
• Rihanna and Kelly Osbourne are coaching Nicole Richie as she prepares to release her debut album? Does this mean corsets and "Papa Don't Preach"? [Daily News]
• ALL 13 streets on a new £400million estate are being named after Rolling Stones hits. [The Sun]
• "I've heard stories from my aunts and uncles and my dad, I had an attitude about Germans, a prejudice about them. I speak several languages and I'm interested in languages. I can read a German paper slowly and can almost figure it out, yet I don't speak German and I realize I don't want to speak German. I don't like the way it sounds and I don't like being in Germany. By playing a German and trying to be honest about it I sort of got past that prejudice and judgment... Germans are people too!" — Viggo Mortensen. [Daily Express]
• "Mental disease is the only thing you can be diagnosed with and get yelled at for having. Why is that? From the moment I was diagnosed there was a certain sense of euphoria and 'Thank God' we figured this out. I thought that I'd become such a curmudgeon." — The Sopranos' Joe Pantoliano, who was miserable despite the success and family he'd always wanted. (He was diagnosed with clinical depression.) [AP]
• "I loved her, no question, in the proper platonic sense but, yes, I loved her. We were filming one day and I kept her waiting on set because I was still in my caravan, playing cards. She stormed in and shouted: 'You are a real nut and I've met some nuts in my day.' And then she hit me. A couple of hours later, I went to see her and gave her a present to say I was sorry for keeping her waiting. She said: 'Don't worry, pig. I only hit the people I love.'" — Peter O'Toole on Katharine Hepburn. [Daily Mail]
• "Some people believe that if you date a person from another race you are somehow denying who you are. They believe that dating someone with a different skin color somehow makes you a self-hater, loathing that which makes you yourself. They believe that it's an insult to your parents, ancestors, heritage and community. I find this view much more telling about the people who say this than about those who do find a physical, spiritual, mental and emotional connection with someone who looks different than themselves. Choosing someone who I am physically attracted to and who also inspires, uplifts, educates and keeps me interested is my first priority- not their race." — Russell Simmons. [ONTD]
• "I've never played super-dark in a film. I think I'd be curious to do it. If a character comes along that I find really compelling and it works out that the director wants to go that direction with me, I'm totally willing to try. I've actually auditioned, but I think people have a hard time making the leap from — I don't want to use this as a cop-out, but my energy is not dark, my being is not dark. Oh, gosh — I can be very dark… I become very Eeyore." — Amy Adams. [Washington Post]
• "WHAT I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day" - Phyllis Diller in Bruce Littlefield's book, Merry Christmas, America!. [Page Six]
• "I have excellent facilities for ablutions, should you ever tire of the sweating and such. I'd be happy to scrub your back - from a safe distance." "We could meet early evening and bolster your rightly damaged ego with orgasms." "Come and see me in the daytime. We could generate a satanic infant." — text messages to ladies from Russell Brand. [Gatecrasher]

• Michael Phelps will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Um, swimming skits? Will you watch if he's not bare-chested? Just asking. [Yahoo News]
• Lindsay Lohan responds to the stuff her dad's been saying: "He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love." [Perez Hilton]
• Sam Ronson responds to LL's dad too: "i really don't want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible… i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter… i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life… i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him… i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…" There's more! [Perez Hilton]
• Hilary Duff's dad was sentenced to 10 days in jail for contempt of court for violating a court order that prohibited him from selling off assets without the consent of his estranged wife, Susan. Susan was requesting $25,000 to celebrate Hilary's 21st birthday (9/28), and pretty much calling Bob Duff a deadbeat dad for not paying up. On one hand, surely Hilary has her own cash? On the other hand, a father has to do what a father is legally obligated to do. He was taken from the courtroom in handcuffs… [Yahoo News]

• No Britney at the MTV Awards? "Contrary to media reports, Britney was never slated to perform on this year's VMAs," Brit's manager, Larry Rudolph, says. "She's in the middle of recording her next album, which is going amazingly well, and her focus remains on the studio." So why was she in the commercials with Russell Brand and an elephant? Is this an elaborate ruse? [AP]
• Ladies, listen up: Gerard Butler likes women to make the first move. "I am for equal opportunities. Why should it be the guy's job to kiss? If a woman wants to kiss she should totally do that. I think it is awesome when women take the lead. I love that idea." Oh and click the link to see a very nice (and by nice I mean shirtless) pic. [ONTD]
• Woody Allen had dinner with Jennifer Aniston. Could she replace Scarlett Johansson as his new film muse? [Yahoo News]
• Solange Knowles: "I have to say, that was not a very professional introduction before. Please don’t tie me into family and my brother-in-law’s establishment." News anchor: "That wasn't live, Solange. That wasn't on live TV." Yes, there is video. [Just Jared]
• Kate Moss naked in Interview magazine. [The.Life Files]
• Britney may not be at the MTV awards, but Katy Perry will be. And MTV producers are looking for a lady she can kiss while she sings, "I Kissed A Girl." They want Lindsay Lohan. Think it's gonna happen? [E!]
• Salma Hayek's ex-fiancé and baby daddy, billionaire heir François-Henri Pinault, has a new ladyfriend, equestrian Virginie Couperie. Here are pictures of them enjoying a "saucy holiday romp in Tuscany." The ONTD commenters have proclaimed Virginie a "downgrade." [Rush & Molloy]
• Naomi Campbell's beau, Russian billionaire Vladimir Doronin dropped $18.5 million on a penthouse apartment for Naomi in Sao Paolo. She's thinking of settling down in Brazil. [Page Six]
• So you know how there's a transgender contestant this cycle on America's Next Top Model? Janice Dickinson says: "I did it on my show first with Claudia (Charriez). But you know what? There’s not going to be a moment where Tyra’s not going to knock me off, so I’m not bothered by her." [MSNBC]
• Bonnie Hunt says her new show will be "full of humor and definitely accessibility, curiosity and spontaneity." She also says: "It's not so much celebrating other people's bad moments in daytime television, which has been a trend for a long time, but almost celebrating what really makes us laugh, what makes us feel very human and normal at the top of who we are, not necessarily at the bottom of who we are." [Reuters]
• Ben Affleck's been texting buddy/new dad Matt Damon from the DNC and Matt and his wife are "thrilled" about their new daughter, FYI. [People]
• Some dude has rammed his car into the gates of the Playboy Mansion twice in the last two weeks, according to the LAPD. Think he's trying to get to the grotto? [LA Times]
• Suge Knight was arrested and charged with assault after punching his girlfriend and pulling a knife on her. Death Row, indeed. [Reuters]
• Tori Spelling may not be appearing on the new 90210, but what about 42-year-old Luke Perry? The new ladies in the cast say: "Oh. My. God. I love Dylan McKay" and "Are you kidding me? He's an amazing-looking man. Sexy!" Oh, and in unrelated news, new 9er AnnaLynne McCord, who played Eden on Nip/Tuck likes guns. "My birthday is next week and I'm getting the 380 Ruger and a .38 revolver." [Yahoo News]
• Oh, and the new 90210 might be pretty racy. Shannen Doherty says: "All I know is there's a girl giving a guy a blow job in the first episode." Doherty and Jennie Garth both dish in this interview. [EW, ONTD]
• A retired sheriff allegedly broke into Chris Cornell's home, wandered from room to room and urinated in a corner. He was hired by Cornell's ex-wife as a process server. Talk about pissed off. [TMZ]
• Relations between Madonna and Elton John have been frosty since he accused her of lip-syncing four years ago. But! He went to her concert in Nice last night and they totes made up and are homies again, though Elton cracked, "I'll be found dead of uranium poisoning in three days." [Mirror]
• Russell Simmons told his yoga teacher her classes had gotten too easy and were for "pussies," so she amped it up; he was seen collapsing into the fetal position. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss's neighbors are in a spot of bother about a large crack that has appeared in the wall bordering her back garden. The wall could collapse, etc. Also, the paper just wanted to make "Kate Moss Crack Problem" jokes. [Mirror]
• Jerry Seinfeld's lawyers read papers in court yesterday claiming that Jerry did not slander the woman who accused his wife of ripping off her cookbook. He was just trying to get laughs, mocking frivolous lawsuits. His lawyers are trying to get the defamation suit against him tossed out; Jerry called author Missy Chase Lapine a "wacko" and "mentally unhinged celebrity stalker." [NY Post]
• Paul McCartney will perform in Israel for the first time, more than 40 years after the Beatles were blocked from giving a concert in the country. [Reuters]
• Steve Foley, who played drums with the Replacements, has died. He was 49. He accidentally overdosed on prescription medication. [Reuters]
• Neil Diamond performed earlier this week and his voice was raspy, so he's offering the audience at the Ohio concert a refund. Build me up, buttercup! [Reuters]
• A toxicology test has been ordered in the death of Dr. Dre's son. [People]
• "I haven't had this much fun since my ex-mother-in-law fell in a well" — Janice Dickinson, as she danced with models, celebrating the new season of her show. [Page Six]
• "I'm no Meryl Streep." — Kim Kardashian. [USA Today]
• "Just be polite. Listen to them and give them anything they want. You can't go wrong." Pete Doherty on picking up chicks. [Mirror]
• "[Miley Cyrus] is just a little too tarty, forgive me. I don’t want her to look like she’s going into a convent school, but it’s just a little too much for a 15-year-old. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was 25." — Tim Gunn. [MNSBC]
• "I couldn't do what Brad and Angie are doing. I wouldn't have the patience or dedication you need to take care of a family. I admire those qualities in other people but it's not for me. I'm doing exactly what I want to. I hang out with the same friends, I spend time in Italy, and then I go back to work. I try not to worry about anything else." — George Clooney. [Mirror]

• Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. After three months, "There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things," says a source. "There is no hatred, just sadness." Surely Kate will find someone new in record time? She's good at that, right? [Us Magazine]
• This report says that Kate and Lance had a big fight a week ago and didn't speak to each other for five days. [Page Six]
• Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, the sure-to-be-gorgeous Jolie-Pitt twins, will make their debut in People. The mag won a bidding war and will pay between $10 million and $15 million, which will go to charity. [ONTD]
• That issue of People? Not coming out this week. Soon, we hope. [JustJared]
• Before Shia LaBeouf's car accident Saturday night, he was "pounding shots" and "acting really crazy" at L.A. bar Troubador. And yeah, 23-year-old Isabel Lucas, Shia's Transformers 2 costar, was in the vehicle when it was smashed. [Page Six]
• Oh! Isabel is Adrian Grenier's ex-girlfriend, hmm. [Star]

• How much money will Shia's accident drain from the studio? The daily cost of production can be $200,000 a day… [MSNBC]
• Alicia Keys and Jack White are recording the James Bond theme song. The Quantum of Solace track is called "Another Way To Die." Guess Amy Winehouse couldn't get it together, despite Mark Ronson's attempts. [Yahoo News]
• Amy Winehouse's dad thinks someone spiked her drink with Ecstasy, and that's why she collapsed in a fit and was rushed to the hospital. Apparently she has some unsavory friends? [Daily Mail]
• Speaking of Amy Winehouse, a reporter spent time in the "shambolic squalor" of Amy's home. The piece is really long, but fascinating. Here's a snippet: "Winehouse has been pottering around her house in varying states of consciousness, disappearing every half an hour or so upstairs to her bedroom and returning to talk to me a little about her music, a little about her drugs and a lot about her imprisoned husband. Through it all, she’s an attentive and open hostess, making tea and giving me extra pieces of paper to take notes. Now, thinking about the waiting paparazzi outside, she keeps her eyes fastened on her image in the mirror. 'I could just go out there and say… I don’t know.' Her mouth is slack. 'I don’t know, really.' Winehouse gives her hive one last tease and trots gamely down the stairway. She opens the door and on cue a firestorm of flashbulbs surrounds her, voices crying her name: 'Amy! Amy! Amy!'" [Daily Mail]
• Amy's mom says: "There are a lot of people rooting for her. But I know I could turn on the TV and learn the worst." [Mirror]
• Click this link to see "Amy Winho's Haircleaner." [InventorSpot]
• Check out the cover of Condé Nast's Fashion Rocks. Does Justin Timberlake look like a waiter? [NY Mag]
• Madonna, Prince and Michael Jackson are all turning 50, so this story asks "Is 50 the new 30?" Wouldn't that make 30 the new 10? [CBSNews]
• Did Janice Dickinson flash the pilot on a private jet? She says no, but that she'd "admit it if she did it." [Page Six]
• Dina, Ali Lohan and a friend were maybe removed from the after party for Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Or maybe they left on their own. A source says they sat at a reserved table when a studio staffer asked them to change tables and "Dina went apeshit." Dina says the guy "made the girls uncomfortable" so they left. Who do you believe? [E!]
• Madonna's brother says, "When Lourdes is ready to rebel, she may call me." [Hollywood Rag]
• Britney Spears has a $22,000 a month weight loss plan: $10,000 on a nutritionist and diet supplements, $8,000 on a personal trainer, and $4,000 on a private dance choreographer. [PopDirt]
• Remember Sam Lutfi? He's still communicating with Britney's family… He doesn't want the restraining order to become permanent. [ONTD]
• There's a documentary called Saving Britney Spears. The filmmaker says as he researched and shot footage, "It seemed like everyone was cashing in on Britney’s breakdown. Even those who claimed to want to save Britney were just using her profile as a 'troubled celeb' to get themselves noticed." [Telegraph]
• Jamie Lynn Spears is probably getting married in the fall. Probably in her own backyard in Liberty, Mississippi. Keepin' it real. [ET]
• Kevin Federline: "Been having a good summer, I can't complain." [People]
• The main character from Guy Ritchie's new movie, RocknRolla is based on Pete Doherty. "Johnny" is a rock star hiding out in a crack den who finds himself in a battle with the Russian mob and the London underworld. [ONTD]
• Guy does not like sugar. He says: "Sugar kills. Think of the calories in sugar. Fat kills more people than anything else. Sugar is responsible for a lot of deaths, arguably more than crack cocaine." Think his kids crave the stuff? [Mirror]
• As for Pete Doherty, he's still sorta broken up over Kate Moss: "When you split up with someone, someone that you're seriously in love with, it takes a lot of time before you even realise that you're upset. You know? It just hits you. I haven't shacked up with anyone since. I haven't shared my life with anyone." [The Press Association]
• Coming to Sesame Street: Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris and LL Cool J! OMG and Heidi Klum! and so many more. [UPI]
• Well this is kinda weird: Freddie Prinze, Jr. has been hired by WWE as a new member of the creative team. He's a big fan and also a "celebrity blogger" on the WWE Fan Nation site. Was he sick of Sarah Michelle Gellar's househusband? [411mania]
• Lauren Conrad is an emotional train wreck? Is that news? [Star]
• Miley Cyrus will not kiss Katy Perry at the Teen Choice Awards, even though Katy said she'd do it. "No thanks," Miley says. "She sang on my record. So I think she's kind of getting back at me, because she was doing harmonies and backgrounds." Oh, ha. Miley also says something sorta sad: She wants her birthday to be low-key, because, "I'm into having just a good ol' pool party or, like, [going to] the beach with a couple of friends. I don’t want to feel like I have to entertain the whole time." [E!]
• P.S. Here's a report that claims Miley's ready to quit Hannah Montana. Although I was just watching the news and they said she's happy and Disney is her home. Don't mess with the girl's paycheck! [Mirror]
• Rosie O'Donnell is going on vacation, taking August off. No blogging! [Perez Hilton]
• Seth Rogen was caught smoking weed at a party for Pineapple Express, but isn't that his promotional duty for the movie? [Page Six]
• Speaking of which: Cheech and Chong reunion tour. [UPI]
• Barron Hilton, lil bro of Paris, was maybe underage partying in t he Hamptons, if you care. [Page Six]
• I wanna get me some of these Dr. Dre headphones! [InventorSpot]
• "You think I'm fat? Fine. I don't care how much you weigh." —Meghan McCain in Glamour. [ET]
• "I've had [a] face-lift, eye job and all that stuff. It didn't help me one bit. It didn't get me happier or make me look particularly younger" — Kathy Griffin to Fitness magazine. [Page Six]