1. Nobody thinks about what it means anymore.

Though the title of this post may have produced a funny mental image, it was probably involved some asshole with a popped collar. Contemporary usage of the term has elided the fact than actual douchebag is a bag. Full of douche. That you put in your vagina. I've only seen douche once — when I was a kid, in the attic of my friend's family's store, in some sort of ancient gift basket along with a 1970s romance novel. Likewise, I've only read the word used literally in one place — the extremely fucked-up noir novel The Killer Inside Me. The movie version of said fucked-up novel is about to come out, and how much do you want to bet they don't include the "douchebag" line? Actually, I don't want to bet. I do want you to send me examples of actual baggy douche-filled douchebags referred to in print (ads don't count). Because the true douchebag has been forgotten, and that's sad.

2. Everybody's saying it now.

As Slate's Troy Patterson points out, "douchebag" and its variants have now appeared at two opposite poles of American culture — The City and the New York Times. The Times's Edward Wyatt offered this hilariously passive-voiced formulation:

On many nights this fall, it has been possible to tune in to broadcast network television during prime time and hear a character call someone else a 'douche.'

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a word that shows up in a Times trend piece must be in want of a replacement. Plus, Hot Chicks With Douchebags has gone from blog to book to show. Can the video game be far behind?

3. Gawker actually declared it dead last year.

In December of 2008, Gawker posted a reader's plea that read, in part,

it's been completely played out. the number of times i hear it now applied to any circumstance other than what i believe to have been its true intention is getting annoying. furthermore, i feel the douche's themselves have co-opted the word and use it against hipsters and the like. people who aren't particularly witty, or even funny, began throwing around the word douche (in my opinion denigrating the original beauty of what it represented). i think it'd be a great idea to take control of your creation and have a very formal retirement for the word

You know how in high school you would make up something really funny, and then everyone would laugh, but then some lame person would try to use it in a lame way, and everyone would get tired of it, and then they'd blame you for coming up with something lame? I guess what I'm trying to say is, stop trying to make douchebag happen.

4. Douchebag parodies have appeared.

It's actually even worse than the Gawker reader lets on. Not only has the word been co-opted by "douche's themselves," fake douchebags are now making silly parody videos. And charts. These parodies may be amusing, but what they reveal is that "douchebag," once a thrillingly multifaceted insult, has calcified into a type. Douchebags wear Ed Hardy shirts. They pop their collars. They may differ by region, but even these differences are strictly codified. "Douchebag" used to be both simple and versatile, a way to describe someone whose disregard for other people, combined with outsized self-regard, was so extreme as to be hilarious. Now it's a culture, with its own stereotypes and its own quasi-ethnic jokes. That video's just for laughs, but mark my words, true "douchebag" reclamation is on its way.

Some might argue that we need a new word to do the work "douchebag" once did. I do like "assclown." But while mocking the unjustifiably egotistical will never truly die, I wonder if specifically shaming douches and their ilk is kind of an '00s thing. Maybe in the new decade we should turn our attention to a less ludicrous but more insidious figure, the guy who acts sensitive and evolved as a way of concealing deep-seated misogyny or misanthropy. Or maybe we should just give up and be nice to each other. The world's going to end in two years anyway.

Image via MSN.

Douchebags Gone Wild [Slate]

Related: More Than Ever, You Can Say That On Television [NYT]
The Gray Lady And Her Sad, Shared, Empty Bag Of "Douche" [Gawker]
Farewell, Douchebag [Gawker]

Thanks to Gawker intern Liz Bolduc for making the clip.

More Than Ever, You Can Say That On Television [N.Y. Times]

In 2004, major league baseball team the Oakland A's had a Mother's Day promotion. Before the game they sponsored a 5K run for breast cancer research, arranged for free mammograms for the women present, and gave out floppy plaid sun hats to the first 7,500 ladies to arrive. Rava attended the event, and when he was not presented with a hat of his own, he decided to sue.

As Rick Reilly reports for ESPN The Magazine, Rava's case is nearly won:

A judge has given preliminary approval to a $510,000 settlement — roughly half to lawyers and the rest to the "victims" — the poor, downtrodden gender-disadvantaged waifs like Rava who didn't get their floppy Mother's Day hats. This is where you come in.

If you can prove you were one of the first 7,500 people there that day, you get $50 in cash, two-for-one A's tickets and a $25 Macy's coupon. It won't be hard. All you have to do is (A) state under oath that you are a male, (B) show some kind of receipt for your ticket and (C) swear you were there early. That's good enough. There's no video, and nobody's going to spend $5,000 deposing you over $100.

So far no one has come forward to claim any hat money, and several fans have spoken out against the lawsuit. "The entire settlement should be donated to the Breast Care Center at UCSF," says A's fan (and decent human being) Ben Huber.

But this isn't the first time Rava has sued over male discrimination: Rava has been involved in more than 40 male anti-discrimination lawsuits, sometimes as the plaintiff, but other times as the plaintiff's lawyer. He has sued restaurants and nightclubs for their women-only promotions, and he sued the Angels for giving away a $1.45 tote bag to women in 2005. He also sued Club Med for a vacation package that offered women a $400 discount on airfare (as reported here, at Mensactivism.org). While we recognize that some of these cases aren't all that fair, Rava seems like a real asshole. After realizing that Rava doesn't live or work in Oakland, Reilly phoned up Rava to ask him why he was at the A's game the very same day that they were holding a women-only giveaway. Rava wouldn't say. Reilly finally asked him the question everyone is thinking what would your mother say?:

"I am sure my mom would be proud of my lawsuit against this major league baseball franchise that denied male and female consumers under 18 years of age free fishing hats based on sex and age," he says.

Sadly, Rava's mother is unable to support or refute his comments. She died at age 53 of breast cancer.

Make $100 The Sleazy Way [ESPN]

There's the one where the dude is can't take his eyes off a woman, and that woman is not the one he is with. Or the one where the guy uses some "passive-aggressive misdirection" on his ladyfriend. Or the one where the woman annoyingly nags the guy who is just trying to eat his giant, calorie laden sandwich. In this video, Sarah Haskins totally skewers Carl's Jr. while scoring points for epic use of the word "douche."

Sarah Haskins In Target Women: Carl's Jr. [Current]

Earlier: Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

As the reader who tipped us off to this product writes, "Aren't douches
supposed to be bad for you? Does anyone actually buy this shit?" And yes, according to the U.S. Department Of Health & Human Services: "Women douche because they mistakenly believe it gives many benefits. In reality, douching may do more harm than good. Most doctors and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists suggest that women steer clear of douching."

But apparently, no one told the women who participated in the in the Waterworks clinical trial! The quotes from the Waterworks website are awesomely bad:

"I felt more confident. I felt cleaner. It is a great product, it really is."

"It actually boosted my self-esteem a lot and I felt very confident that I wasn’t gonna have that problem throughout the day. It was really great. I’m just elated with it."

"It’s always made me feel fresh and clean. It was in that first week I noticed a difference, the odor seemed to be gone and I just felt better. I was really pleased how it worked so quickly, and so easily."

And the best, and by best I mean worst:

"I feel more confident, more feminine. It’s wonderful. My husband is as happy as I am."

Because having an odorless vagina is clearly more "feminine." Dudes know and appreciate this!

Waterworks [Official Site]

Where "asshole" is not gender specific, "douchebag," "douchenozzle" and "twatwaffle" are specifically designed to insult a man by associating him with something feminine. A douche is for the vagina. Since when is being exposed to a vagina a bad thing? Is it okay to use "douchebag" because, as we all know, douching is not really necessary and actually can be harmful to your vaginal health? How many people who use the word actually know that?

On the other hand, I know that some words just become part of the lexicon and take on new meaning. So that when you think "douchebag" you just think "jerk" or "asshole" and not Summer's Eve feminine care. And I would never say something like "women should never use this word!" Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing.

But just like the Cleveland Indians logo, Darkie toothpaste, and those super-popular Sean John "No Bitch Ass Ness" T-shirts, "douchebag" makes me uncomfortable. Am I alone?