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Trump Dismisses Groping Allegations Against Him, Says Bill Clinton Was Accused of Rape

Donald Trump, still spiraling loudly nearly a week after the New York Times published a story that depicted his dealings with women in a negative light, is now contending that “it’s not the worst things, okay, when you look at what Clinton’s gone through and all the things that he’s done.” My, what a wonderful cast of…

Ivanka Trump, For One, Is Convinced Her Dad Is ‘Not a Groper'

You know what’s bad? When you are so numb to the fact that a pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball is running for president that you don’t even find it all that weird, at first, that his daughter Ivanka is going around clarifying that said hairball does not “grope” people. But it is weird! America, let us…

Shocking Surprise Twist: Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly Are Fine Now 

In a twist no one (everyone) saw coming, Fox anchor Megyn Kelly and blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran Donald Trump have patched up their feud. Their soft-focus, zealously cordial interview Tuesday night served to further legitimize Trump and to launch Kelly’s new career as solo host of her own…

Your Slightly Embarrassing Mexican Tío ¡Jeb! Is BACK

Jeb Bush, an ally so loyal to Mexicans that he has in the past marked “Hispanic” on the census despite being so white that his good American stock dates back to Massachusetts, has rushed to criticize Donald “taco truck” Trump for his extremely stupid Cinco de Mayo tweet, in which Trump posed with a freakin’ taco bowl…

Trump Organization Won't Sue Over Times Story About His Gross Behavior With Women After All 

Donald Trump, a horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler, is deeply upset by a New York Times story suggesting he can be sexist and somewhat creepy in his private dealings with women. After petulantly tweeting about the story for a while, then calling CNN to yell about it, he moved on to the part…

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Bonkers Breitbart Headline Denounces Bill Kristol as a 'Renegade Jew' For Not Supporting Trump

One of the curious sideshows of this election season has been watching right-wing news site Breitbart topple entirely off the cliff of relative sanity into the roiling fecal sea of open support for Donald Trump. On Sunday, they published a particularly nutty headline denouncing neocon pundit and Weekly Standard editor…