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New York, 1:50 AM
Sat Nov 21
67 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/09/09
Because it's not that bad I guess if you don't get hit in the face. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I am shocked by how much her honesty and openness has meant to me, as I am not a celebrity worshipper at all. It's a strange feeling, and I am not really sure what to make of it. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I haven't been abused by a bf, but had a one time incident with my dad as my parents were getting divorced where he picked me up, slammed me against a wall & was choking me... at 13 yrs old, 100 lbs vs. 250.
I know it's not the same as being abused by a bf, but being hurt by someone you love - whom ever that may be is heartbreaking. You are supposed to be able to trust those you love & the realization that you can't - it's not healthy - is devastating... you can just see it in her. #rihannaeffect
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11/09/09
Domestic abuse is much more than a single "mistake". #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
Okay Chris, a) it never was private. Not only are the two of you famous, but I'm sure the entire LAPD, not to mention anyone at the hospital, knew what happened. She had to give her statement to numerous people, as did you I imagine. So on the surface, in the most basic definition, it never was private. Beyond that, b) you want us to believe that you've matured, learned your lesson? Own the fuck up to what you did. Don't hide it, don't try to make it go away. Flippant apologies don't work. Admit what you did. Hiding it only adds to the stigma, making it worse. Isn't one of the steps to recovery atonement?
It's amazing how one simple statement could ignite so much anger in me. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
Note to Chris Brown: When you assault someone, the police get involved and it becomes a public matter. Breaking the law sucks like that.
One way to avoid it: don't assault anyone. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I completely understand your anger and I'm continuously amazed at how nonchalant he insists on being with half-assed apologies and excuses. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I'm not satisfied with Diane saying "the night Rihanna was hit by her boyfriend", that completely minimizes what she went through. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
Also, I think grammar counts here...I hate the use of passive voice when talking about domestic violence.
"Chris Brown attacked Rihanna" is more accurate, both grammatically and truthfully than "Rihanna was hit by her boyfriend." #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
1. The statement the survivor made was specifically about abuse leading up to physical, Diane. You can be abused before being battered.
2. What the hell is up with punching in the face as the standard for abuse? Well he shoved her into a wall, but it's not like he punched her in the face! This is an arbitrary and quite shockingly high standard for violence; it's unhelpful; it's apologist; stop it.
3. Quit mealymouthing. Seriously. Chris Brown does not need another defender minimizing his actions in the media, he's doing that all by himself.
xoxo, yvanehtnioj #rihannaeffect
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11/09/09
So many women I know say 'I would never let a man hit me, I'd get out first', and I always think, 'I don't know, I've never been in that situation', and I'm not about to make the assumption that it would never happen to me. Too many of my smart, strong friends have been hit, I don't think that any of us are immune. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
11/09/09
While I applaud the distinction you make that you don't "let" it happen. But isn't your next sentence just a continuation of causing the victim to be ashamed of her situation? (I'm really asking this, not saying it to be snarky!) What do you think? #rihannaeffect
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Women are different. I can know that I would leave without shaming women that are continual abuse victims. It's a function of different personalities, support systems, awareness, etc. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
99 percent of me thinks I'd never end up in an abusive relationship because no abuser would ever consider me an easy target. But I've seen enough smart, strong women get beaten down emotionally and physically, 1 percent of me knows it can't be that easy.
11/09/09
Abuse tends to start much later in the relationship, or after marriage. As much as people say it would never happen to them, or never happen to them twice, the stakes are usually high when it starts. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
11/09/09
It's really, really easy to think "Oh, that would never happen to me, the signs are so obvious, how could she let it get that bad?" And reading this thread and watching the clip just made me start crying at my kitchen table. The thing is, I am one of those smart, strong women that ended up in an abusive relationship. It's not like he whacks you upside the head one time and then your best friends have some dramatic intervention and help you gather up your stuff and the group of you drive off into the sunset and out of his life forever, and you are suddenly free, with no lasting effects, and no fear. You wake up one morning and realize that you have no idea who you are and that you have no control over your own body and your own life. My ex never explicitly hit me - his abuse took the form of systematic date rape because my sex drive wasn't high enough to "meet his needs", but still. I'm not an idiot, and I'm not a weak-willed person, but love and relationships are weird. I thought he loved me, and I thought that I loved him, and that would somehow just make it all okay, until this one day when he looked me in the eye and told me that no one would ever care about me as much as he did, and that he didn't want me spending time with my guy friends any more. It was so textbook and so ridiculous that I knew I had to get out of there. And it hasn't just gone away, and I'm still not completely okay.
Sorry to just vomit this out, but I think this is a cathartic experience for a lot of women, and I think that it's really important that we tell our stories. #rihannaeffect
11/08/09
11/07/09
I think it's kind of inappropriate to say, "when the attack occurred," as a euphemism for, "when he beat the crap out of her."
Isn't this just as guilty of shrugging away accountability as he is? It didn't fit with the rest of the post.
I was glad at the end when she said she was strong. She had said before she couldn't do it, and she wasn't strong. I think the opposite is true, and I'm glad she does, too. #chrisbrown
11/07/09
I find it interesting because the one and only time I've been assaulted by a man (a stranger in a SF nightclub) after having a life that had been free from any male violence, what stuck with me most about it was how similar it was to the times when i've been called a racial slur or faced overt racism. The experiences felt similar in that in the moments when they happened the assault ceased to feel individual, I felt much smaller than myself and the person doing it seemed bigger than just themselves and by dint of that so much bigger and more powerful (instution-like) than me. I didn't just feel violated and hurt or violently assaulted, I felt dehumanised. And ashamed. Which now that I think of it is kind of what he did to her. I'm not saying racism and physical abuse are identical. Not at all. But I guess I never thought of the rationalization techniques that casual racists use and the rationalization techniques that abusers/batterers use as similar until just now....
Does anyone else get a sense of this? Does he give any of you an Imus/Lott/Seinfeld dude vibe?
11/07/09
and, when he apologizes publicly its for his fans and sponsors? wow, real sincere asshole. #chrisbrown
11/07/09
She really impressed me throughout the whole interview - so mature and wise.
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11/07/09
Chris is so busy whining about how mean the public is to him he seems to forget that he brought all this shit on himself. Thank you, Sway, for reminding Chris this isn't all about him. #chrisbrown
11/07/09
Then she said, even more brilliantly, (a little after Diane Sawyer showed her the video of his apology) that what she wanted from him was for him to realize what he had done, the nuances of it, and for him to get through the experience understanding the gravity of what he did to her and to stop feeling sorry for himself because when you put your hands on a woman the emotional stuff that you inflict goes far beyond the physical stuff. That is the most critical point, and unfortunately the one that Chris is missing IMHO. And that's why even though he seems to be genuinely remorseful (albeit smarmy and self-involved) about hitting her I think he is still missing the entire crux of the matter, and wherein any possible redemption or self-reflection lies---as is most of the country in their response to the interviews. When you hit a woman as a man, IMHO, you inflict a psychic pain with the full brunt of history behind you. I don't know if history is the right word but what I mean is that something happens there that is bigger than just you and her. There is the full weight of the patriarchy present that you are subjugating her with. You are saying with your fists that she is powerless and you know it. You are reifying for her that she is nothing and you are everything and despite everything you ever said about loving her, respecting her, admiring her etc, every implicit and explicit suggestion you or the relationship ever made about the two of you being equal in humanity, she is less than you. And you know it. It's the most gendered, most powered, most unfair, most unequal thing you can do.
He's failing to see that part. For him what "happened" is an argument that resulted in is his failure of the kindergarten lesson to keep his hands to himself. He disobeyed the teacher's "no hitting, no biting, no scratching" rule. His bad. Won't happen again. He's sorry now and life should go on. What he is utterly myopic to is that gender and its inequalities make what he did to her so much more than that.
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