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Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You

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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
11/25/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
I'm still laughing from yesterday. Also I gotta weigh in on the "period poop" phenomenon. This only recently started happening to me. It really is awful, hastily removing a tampon before all hell breaks loose. And it always ends the same way, to borrow a fitting phrase coined by my sister: the milliwipe. You know, where you have to sit there and wipe and wipe and wipe and finally your butt hurts and you're like "fuck this." Oh the humanity! I tried using baby wipes for a while when this happened, but then I saw blood (blood!!) on the wipe and gave up. There really is no happy medium here. Either you leave the bathroom frustrated and aware of the fact that there is still an errant trace of feces in there, or you leave the bathroom tired and sore. Gotta love the menses, yo.
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gobblegirl
11/25/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
My dog's farts would be so bad that he would get up and leave the room. Hideous.
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BluebellaElliot
11/25/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
Gosh, if I suspect my SO of stinking up the bedroom, I'll probably just sit on his head and try to squeeze out a worse one! Laughing the whole while of course.

Normally he isn't sly about it anyway, he likes to do it really loud and on one of my body parts preferably.
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MediasBlue
11/25/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
I grew up with my Dad and my brother, who are both major walking gas bombs. I finally made a rule that they couldn't fart in the kitchen, just so I could have some fresh air! So when my brother was telling me about the woman he was dating and he said that she has very little sense of smell, I told him it was fate (they've been married 5 years).

I can burp like my brother and Dad, but refuse to fart like them. I just can't. Mr. Shasse will walk away from me or look me in the eye and announce that he feels like my brother. That gives me time to run away.
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purefog
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
I ain't no lady, but I have always thought it to be sufficient etiquette in such instances to slide the emitting ass to the edge of the bed, lift the covers, poot into the large and diluting ocean of air that is the room, wait a beat, and then come back under the covers. Anyone for whom this is insufficiently considerate ("You should have gone out of the house and run down the block, or held it in until you exploded!") is disqualified from a return engagement. (Usually.)
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MeganGlass 就是一个古代的三明治
11/24/08

@purefog: A fine tactic unless your side of the bed is against the wall. Mr. Glass is not against the wall, nor does he try to deliver his presents to freedom. He prefers to let his business infiltrate the entire bed, and subscribes to the idea that there are only 2 kinds of farts, one's own and anyone else's. Naturally he is immune to the former. I am not. Floofing ensues.
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MeganGlass 就是一个古代的三明治
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
So what do y'all do about farting in bed? I lift the covers up and floof it out, but Mr. Glass thinks it's uncouth to do so. He prefers to wallow, I guess. What do you ladies do?
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Beckysharpstick
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
I have the luxury of my own office -- instead of a cubicle. Unfortunately, I work long hours and have to wear pantyhose.

The result? I find myself sitting at my desk at 8 pm with about 3 meals inside my poor belly encased in Spandex, pressing with gas to escape. Two lessons: first, Spandex requires more active force to expel for comfort, and, second, the walls are not as thick as one would hope in that circumstance. I have heard colleagues laughing at my evening emissions.

I hang my head in shame.
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Solzica
11/24/08

@Beckysharpstick: That's like snowpants. Good god! My technique is to stretch the waistband back and do a fan motion quickly. Otherwise, you're trapped with it for ages.
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MeganGlass 就是一个古代的三明治
11/24/08

@Solzica: Oh, that brings me back to all the times I farted while skiing and it would waft up my neck and into my nose all day...
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Kivrin
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
Oh dear Lord, I am literally sobbing with laughter. First I was chuckling, then the tears started rolling down my face, and now I'm actually weeping.

I never fart in front of my fiancé (or anyone else, for that matter). I'm sure I do it in my sleep, but he never mentions it. His are audible but not too stinky. The dog's are silent but deadly.

When I was a little kid, my mom once told me that, if I felt the need to fart in public, I should just try to find a corner or something and let it out away from other people. For years I thought she wanted me to get up from, like, the dinner table at my friend's house, go over to the corner, fart, and then rejoin the dinner like nothing had happened! Thank God I never actually followed her advice...
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Lola del Rio
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
Wait.

You're going to marry this man but can't talk about your farts.

You know his last name, right?
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FourInchHeels
11/24/08

@Lola del Rio: I don't think it was her inability to talk about farts. Tracie, more than anyone, is comfortable discussing bodily functions. It was the politeness factor that was prohibiting them from talking. Just because they're engaged doesn't mean they should quit being polite and respectful ... and sometimes, respectful means pretending that fart didn't happen.
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malishka
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
My husband one day looked at me, love filling up his eyes, and said, "my mom said I'd never find a wife that farted at the dinner table."

My only issue with farting is that when I fart a really bad one and I try to lure my husband over, I can't keep a poker face and he usually figures it out.
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Brigit
11/24/08

@malishka: HAHAHAHAAA I am so doing that!

The first time one of us farted, it was him on top the 2nd time we were having sex. It was hilarious beyond measure.
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ekrub
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
I have been married to the same man for 21 years. Our mutual, juvenile love of bathroom humor is the glue that holds us together.
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Brigit
11/24/08

@ekrub: I am so happy to hear that. Immature toilet humor ftw!
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Maulleigh
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
LOLOLOLOL!!! OMG. I'm laughing so hard.

My boyfriend totally farted bad in bed one night several times and he doesn't have a dog. He hasn't done it since but damn!! He didn't even apologize.
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gerbilsoutofexile...is cheap and easy
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
And I know my husband can hear me in here snorting with laughter. He probably thinks I'm farting.
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toastandlove
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
My guy doesn't ever fart, it's so weird. He poops a lot though, and he says he doesn't fart 'cause he's afraid he'll poop his pants.

Also, he refers to gassy poops as "farts with prizes". Disgusting? Yes. Adorable? You bet.
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gerbilsoutofexile...is cheap and easy
11/24/08

@toastandlove: Those are called "sharts." You think you have to fart, but, surprise! A little skidder in your pants.
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MeganGlass 就是一个古代的三明治
11/24/08

@toastandlove: aaaah "farts with prizes"! Love it!
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sybann
11/24/08

In reply to Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You
I so totally saw that one coming - I walk with neighbors every morning super early (4 miles fast) and well, ocassionally there's tooting - we don't even excuse ourselves anymore...
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