One thing I've noticed, that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with, is how being aspie is being approached by popular culture. Lord knows I'm happy it doesn't carry the same stigma of say, a personality disorder, but it's being trotted out as adorable quirks. Everyone empathizes with the alien nerd, be it the aspie on modeling show or the male manic pixie dream girl in the movie coming out, Adam, but there's a frightening degree of infantalization going on. Having Aspergers syndrome means wincing as people awkwardly explain the disorder to me as a person lacking in empathy but not a -bad- person, or seeing obviously aspie character pop up in fiction and seeing the complete lack of guile and malice these characters are granted makes me think that there's this fantasy of a person without sin or understanding of human deception, who can be a little boring at times, but has their heart in the right place and an eccentric sense of beauty that is nonetheless, deeper than the average person. I have Aspergers syndrome. I'm manipulative, warm, empathetic, and capable of lying and deception, and though I do the obsessive hobbies, I'm a great listener. Various clinically diagnosed family members are nothing like the woobies and robots that are being thrown out as role models for my disorder, either. It's better than being seen as cursed instead of child like, but I wish that I wasn't supposed to be 'special'.
@fouralarmfirepants: When women are coming out of the woodwork to discuss a little known, stigmatized condition that affects their lives, families, and the lives of those they love? That's not oversharing, that's sharing.
It has been so helpful to read all of you Jezzie's accounts of experiences with Aspergers. My father has self-diagnosed himself with Asbergers and his sibling (not knowing of my father's self-diagnoses), independently confided in me that she suspected he had Aspergers. I had never heard of the condition, and am only just now learning about it.
Just like many of you described, my father exhibits genius-level intelligence in some areas, and is completely clueless in others. He can rattle off facts and recite narratives in certain subject areas, and will remember entire passages from a book he read, but will not remember things like my major in college or what I do for a living.
He takes forever to relate a simple story. He will deliver hour-long monologues on his current subject of interest, but never asks questions about my life, or ask how my husband is doing. Anything a person tries to add to his monologue -- an opinion or fact -- he ignores. He is interested in delivering his speech about obscure subjects, but has no interest in other people's thoughts on his topic. And he can't even seem to recognize when his audience loses interst. I don't even know if it matters to him whether his audience knows, understands or cares what he's talking about.
He always seemed very self-centered, but not malicious and now I think I understand why. He does seem incapable of empathy. When I plan to spend time with him, he always makes plans that include activities in which I would have NO interest (like driving an hour away just to visit an electronics consignment store?). Anything I suggest, he ignores. It wasn't his idea, so there is no reason for him to do it.
My reaction to this article was pitying the wife who now seems to have a job 24-7 providing him with the exhaustive treatment environment he needs- how do her needs get met in this set-up?
@hollygirl: Whaaaaaat? Where does the "24-7 exhaustive treatment" come in?
All she's doing is trying to be accomodating to his sensitivites. It's just a slightly expanded version of what every spouse should be doing in their relationship. And there's a big chance her needs ARE being met. He has quirks - he's not an invalid.
I hope that that doesn't happen. I'm already a cranky individual because everyone and their brother says that they have ADD because they want to get on medications and do better in school, never mind that these people are already getting As and Bs. I, on the other hand, was diagnosed with ADHD in 7th grade, and even with medication, a B or higher on a report card was a really special event for me. But people downplay the seriousness of my condition because so many people pretend they have it these days.
I also have Asperger's, and again, it made things really difficult for me when I was younger. The more people claim to have something, the less people sympathize with the truly difficult effects these disorders have on the lives of us that actually suffer from them.
@CollegeCamel: I hate it when people are like "I have ADD!" and self-diagnose it. I was diagnosed by a neurologist when I was in 3rd grade. It is something that has made my life very difficult. I tend to understand where people with Asperger's are coming from with the rash of people self-diagnosing.
You know what I would like to see? Something about women officially diagnosed as being on the spectrum. ASDs are automatically assumed to be "boys' disorders", and everything is judged by the symptoms that manifest in males. I'm certainly one female that would be willing to contribute.
@electrogeek77: I've noticed that as well. When people find out about my condition, they are very taken aback, compared to hearing about a boy or man who is autism. Or so I've been told :)
When I was younger, I had a number of well-meaning people suggest there might be... something... wrong with me. I was not the most socially adept kid, spent all of my time with my nose in a book, and had basically zero idea of how to deal with people that wasn't covered by science fiction or fantasy novels. (In other words, I could tell you how a Pernese Weyr's power structure worked, from the Weyrwoman on down, but God help me try to navigate the shoals of fifth-grade society.)
In retrospect, this had way more to do with being an only child living out in the boonies with two other houses in view of ours and no kids in the neighborhood. I had zero socialization, especially in comparison to kids from large families who lived in town. I did not understand the concept of teasing someone else for amusement. I am, frankly, still a little shaky on why it's supposedly fun.
I was really awkward as a kid, REALLY awkward as a teenager, and eventually sussed things out in my mid-twenties. I now have a job where I interact with people all day long--many of them cranky college professors--and I deal with them just fine.
My brain organization was not the problem. I am probably not alone on this one.
@la.donna.pietra: Oh, you sound just like me! Only child who lived out of town... and the Pern obsession! I do think I have some sort of anxiety/social anxiety/depression thing going on (this semester has been really hard, and I'm probably going to start therapy when I go home) that I used fantasy books to escape. But I understand people, they just... freak me out sometimes.
I remember very vividly freshman year moving into my dorm and meeting the 'weird' kid on the first floor. He was friendly, for sure, but he was a little twitchy around people and seemed distracted all the time and had what I can best describe as an "abrupt" laugh -- very loud, very enthusiastic, and very disconcerting. He was a super nice guy, though, and none of us could really come up with valid reasons not to hang out with him (he was a year older, but pls in college? That's nothing), so we would include him in our smoking excursions and hang out with him in his room -- the only place he really felt comfortable. He was a brilliant kid, and a neuroscience major, which always baffled us becuase he smoked SOOOOOO much pot.
He had Asbergers. Like broderline-full-autism Asbergers. And while we fell out of touch sophomore year (er, my sophomore year), he was friends with the group of friend my best friend/roommate for the last two yeas of school had (she was also a year older tahn me), so we saw each other often during his senior year.
I've been thinking this for a while... I think the last time was when I read that hack Carey Tennis suggesting Aspergers for the 20th time in a year. I used to council students with learning differences, and about half of my job involved sitting down with students (and their parents) explaining that just because someone is doing badly in school it doesn't mean they have a learning disorder. Even after diagnostic tests indicated nothing wrong, and psychological testing would show "immaturity and unwillingness to take responsibility for ones actions", I'd still have people insisting that they knew for a fact that they had x, y or z disorder. I also had to explain that having an LD meant that they were expected to work MORE than other students, not less, and that medical accommodations were there to facilitate that extra work, not to fill in grade gaps. People who ACTUALLY have aspergers, add, whatever have a tough road ahead of them, and it astounds me that people are shopping around for this diagnosis.
@Miss. Money-Sterling: I really appreciate you saying this! I'm a teacher and the eagerness with which some parents want to embrace diagnoses like Aspergers is astonishing sometimes. Unfortunately the school only perpetuates this issue by repeatedly testing students who are otherwise fine, but performed poorly on an exam. Rather than investigating the possibility that the student did not prepare themselves adequately, the immediate conclusion is that the student has 'significantly slower processing speeds' and ends up getting 10-25% extra time on all future exams. I'm all for investigating and diagnosing disorders that are legitimate and justify the student receiving extra help and exploring new ways to enhance their learning. I just can't get behind using fabricated issues as excuses, and I can't help but feel that encouraging these diagnoses is doing a big disservice to the student's future.
I had an Aspy friend in college who was a physics major and did brilliantly on homework assignments, but crashed and burned when forced to work under timed conditions like midterms or final exams. He said many of his professors accused him of cheating on his homework because of the discrepancy in scores. Did he ever TALK to his professors about his disorder, or ask to have take-home exams, or practice doing homework with a timer, or anything? No. He just flunked all his classes.
I got the impression that he was just SO TIRED of trying to explain his condition to people who refused to get it that he gave up. Very frustrating and sad to watch.
@Artemis47: This really hits home with me because I have AS and the hardest thing that anyone can ask me to do is speak in front of an audience of any sort. It makes it hard in classes where I have to give presentations, or in my writing classes when we are asked to read our work aloud, but I have never mentioned it to a professor, ever.
@CollegeCamel: Oh honey, I am sad for you. Please consider that its is 100% of their job for essentially teachers are there to help you- and your tuition pays their paychecks.. Im a teacher and I love it when students tell me what's up with their learning styles, it helps me a lot. Please think about telling them you deserve it.
If you think your cheating, belittling boyfriend has Asperger's you are someone who will pretty much search for any justification.
Someone with Aspergers might unintentionally hurt your feelings with tactless observations, but they're going to do it to everyone, not just you or people they dislike. They're also very unlikely to have to social skills to cheat.
But some people need to find a reason for shitty behavior rather than admitting some people are assholes.
One of my closest friends has Asperger's and he is kinder and more thoughtful than most people I know. Asperger's syndrome involves some very anti-social behaviour, but people are not defined by their disabilities.
I completely agree with you, Sadie, in being a little insulted by the fact that uninformed people are using Asperger's to explain away asshole-ish behaviour.
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Just like many of you described, my father exhibits genius-level intelligence in some areas, and is completely clueless in others. He can rattle off facts and recite narratives in certain subject areas, and will remember entire passages from a book he read, but will not remember things like my major in college or what I do for a living.
He takes forever to relate a simple story. He will deliver hour-long monologues on his current subject of interest, but never asks questions about my life, or ask how my husband is doing. Anything a person tries to add to his monologue -- an opinion or fact -- he ignores. He is interested in delivering his speech about obscure subjects, but has no interest in other people's thoughts on his topic. And he can't even seem to recognize when his audience loses interst. I don't even know if it matters to him whether his audience knows, understands or cares what he's talking about.
He always seemed very self-centered, but not malicious and now I think I understand why. He does seem incapable of empathy. When I plan to spend time with him, he always makes plans that include activities in which I would have NO interest (like driving an hour away just to visit an electronics consignment store?). Anything I suggest, he ignores. It wasn't his idea, so there is no reason for him to do it.
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All she's doing is trying to be accomodating to his sensitivites. It's just a slightly expanded version of what every spouse should be doing in their relationship. And there's a big chance her needs ARE being met. He has quirks - he's not an invalid.
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05/18/09
I also have Asperger's, and again, it made things really difficult for me when I was younger. The more people claim to have something, the less people sympathize with the truly difficult effects these disorders have on the lives of us that actually suffer from them.
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In retrospect, this had way more to do with being an only child living out in the boonies with two other houses in view of ours and no kids in the neighborhood. I had zero socialization, especially in comparison to kids from large families who lived in town. I did not understand the concept of teasing someone else for amusement. I am, frankly, still a little shaky on why it's supposedly fun.
I was really awkward as a kid, REALLY awkward as a teenager, and eventually sussed things out in my mid-twenties. I now have a job where I interact with people all day long--many of them cranky college professors--and I deal with them just fine.
My brain organization was not the problem. I am probably not alone on this one.
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He had Asbergers. Like broderline-full-autism Asbergers. And while we fell out of touch sophomore year (er, my sophomore year), he was friends with the group of friend my best friend/roommate for the last two yeas of school had (she was also a year older tahn me), so we saw each other often during his senior year.
Nice kid.
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I got the impression that he was just SO TIRED of trying to explain his condition to people who refused to get it that he gave up. Very frustrating and sad to watch.
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Someone with Aspergers might unintentionally hurt your feelings with tactless observations, but they're going to do it to everyone, not just you or people they dislike. They're also very unlikely to have to social skills to cheat.
But some people need to find a reason for shitty behavior rather than admitting some people are assholes.
05/18/09
I completely agree with you, Sadie, in being a little insulted by the fact that uninformed people are using Asperger's to explain away asshole-ish behaviour.
05/18/09
Can't people just get on each other's nerves anymore?
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