However, one glance at Amy hysterically crying while half naked, wandering the streets of London in the wee hours, and I think it's clear that her image is no construct. Her pain, while of course, projected to the masses, is entirely real, and probably drug-induced.

Every day, in any major city, you can find a haphazardly clothed junkie wandering around drug-addled in public. If someone photographed it, would that mar its authenticity? The only difference between the faceless junkies and Winehouse is that her demise is being chronicled. Hannaham also claims that Winehouse's Jewishness is a "liability" and that she's deliberately hiding it to further her R&B diva image. But as far as I can tell, Winehouse's Judaism is purely secular. If she's not proclaiming her religion to the heavens, is that the same as muffling it? The fact of her heritage is as plain as the nose on her face. How is it at all relevant to her art if she's not religious?

The Philadelphia Inquirer has also weighed in on Winehouse, and, although it doesn't doubt Amy's authenticity, it does decry her tabloid treatment. Writer Karen Heller calls Amy "Britain's Britney," (you know, except talented), and blames the London tabs along with Amy's attention-whoring mother and Karl Lagerfeld for enabling Amy's drug-addled antics. Heller has a point: until Winehouse sees any sort of tangible consequences to her actions, she's not going to stop her cycle of destruction. Like any addict, she needs to hit rock bottom, and rock bottom doesn't include being Lagerfeld's muse or getting six Grammy nods.

"There is no need for fiction" in Winehouse's case, Heller says, and that's why Hannaham's allegations of inauthenticity — "To turn your failures into pop songs is to make commodities of them — which trivializes them a bit, no matter how sincerely you intended your audience to take them when you started out" — ring so hollow. He wants to make the thesis that all pop music trivializes emotions, and really, that's just something he cribbed from Walter Benjamin. If pop music's accessibility by the masses makes it inauthentic, then all forms of mass produced art are inauthentic projections of emotion. One look at Amy Winehouse's desiccated body and bloody, wretched visage makes it clear, at least to me, that her pain is all too real.

Flirting With Disaster [Salon]
The Ruin Of A Ralent, Shrilly Told By Tabloids [Philadelphia Inquirer]

Earlier: Amy Winehouse Vs. Sarah Silverman

We headed over to our favorite hypochondria-inducing application, WebMD's symptom checker, and focused on the head. After choosing "mouth sores" as the symptom, we were asked: "Mouth sores along with: long term smoking long term alcohol use, or none of the above." Well Ms. Winehouse does smoke and drink — so if by long-term you mean "constant," then, yes and yes!

After those were checked off, WebMd asked if the mouth sores were brought on or made worse by "swallowing irritating chemicals or poison" or by "ingesting hot food or drink." We couldn't be sure! We skipped that part. We ended up with eight conditions: Mouth (oral) cancer, Coxsackie virus infection, canker sores, esophagitis, pemphigus, thermal burn of mouth or tongue, ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease.

Coxsackie virus causes sores in the throat. That's not it! So. Is it a canker sore? "Canker sores have a red border and white or yellow center. They may be painful and can make it hard to talk and eat... Unlike cold sores, you cannot spread canker sores to other people." (Oh wow, who knew they could be caused by stress, getting your period, food allergies and hurting your mouth?) But Amy's little blister just doesn't look like a canker sore, so we crossed that off the list. A thermal burn is possible, but not probable. We also ruled out esophagitis (inflammation of the esophagus), pemphigus (a rare autoimmune skin disodrer that causes blisters), colitis (although we did learn what a toxic megacolon is) and Crohn's. Which leaves us... (oh no!) with oral cancer. WebMD instructs us to contact a doctor! A real doctor, that is. The odd thing is that herpes was never an option. We had to search for it. But if we had to go by the horrifying illustration, we'd say uh, no. Cancer it is! Although we're not professionals. So maybe it is a cold sore. P.S. If you need to quit smoking, just Google images of "oral cancer."

WebMD Symptom Checker

Earlier: Paging Dr. Jezebel: Does Amy Winehouse Have A Rare Blood Disease?
Paging Dr. Jezebel: Amy Winehouse Needs Another Appointment
Oh No: Does Amy Winehouse Have Syphilis?

I stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol and stopped eating chocolate, cheese, M.S.G., nuts, vinegar, citrus fruits, bananas, raspberries, avocados, onions, fresh bagels and donuts, pizza, yogurt, sour cream, ice cream, aspartame and all aged, cured, fermented, marinated, smoked, tenderized or nitrate-preserved meats.

I didn't like the amitriptyline. It made me gain weight. It made me sleepy.

And, once I got used to it, I came to almost enjoy being on my diet, exploring my capacity for hunger and self-abnegation, obsessing over what foods I could eat, and how, and when. At the very least, the diet made my friends happy. Renouncing food, renouncing pills, is so often, in our time, seen as the right and righteous, pure and wholesome thing to do.

And yeah, if the answer to the question posed in the headline is "to find a way to generate traffic writing about my restrictive diet because that's all dieters like to talk about in a way that causes readers to sympathize with me and communicate with one another" — not that I would venture a theory that cynical! — it sure worked!

The Migraine Diet [NY Times]

The area we're dealing with today is the abdomen. On WebMD you can choose the upper abdomen, lower abdomen or the whole enchilada, heh heh. We're going whole hog. Our symptoms? Uh, "bloating or fullness," "distended stomach" and hmm, "swelling." That covers us, anyway. Kidding! La Lopez looks totally swollen.

So, with these symptoms we have a total of 20 possible conditions we could be suffering from. Constipation, gas pains, indigestion, insect bites, kidney disease, PMS, etc. We can't vouch for Jenny but ours isn't PMS. What else could it be? How about gastroenteritis?

Gastroenteritis is a condition that causes irritation and inflammation of the stomach and intestines (the gastrointestinal tract). An infection may be caused by bacteria or parasites in spoiled food or unclean water. Many people experience vomiting and diarrhea...

Gallstones form when cholesterol and other things found in bile make stones. They can also form if the gallbladder does not empty as it should.

Most people who have gallstones do not have symptoms.

Symptom Checker [WebMD]

Earlier: Paging Dr. Jezebel: Does Amy Winehouse Have A Rare Blood Disease?
Paging Dr. Jezebel: Amy Winehouse Needs Another Appointment
Oh No: Does Amy Winehouse Have Syphilis?

[London, October 3. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

Essential thrombocytopenia is a rare blood disease characterized by reduced levels of platelets in the circulating blood.

• Vitamin B12 deficiency (do you think Amy takes vitamins?)
  
• Decreased production of thrombopoietin by the liver in liver failure. (Do you think Amy's liver is ok?)
  
• Dengue fever (Amy was in the tropics recently!)

often have extremely thin arms and legs, but liver enlargement and ascites (abnormal accumulation of fluid) can distend the abdomen and disguise weight loss. Hair may turn red or yellow.

Tube feeding or intravenous feeding is used to supply nutrients to patients who can't or won't eat protein-rich foods.

WebMD
Health A To Z

Okay, after selecting "fingers" as our target area, we're faced with 32 possible symptoms, including "black colored skin," "involuntary movements" "visible deformity" and "unusually short forth(sic) fingers." Uh, we're going to go with "swelling." The symptom checker wants to know if the swelling is "better with ice" or "better with rest" but somehow we think the only ice Amy sees is in her cocktail, does that count? Anyway, swelling could be due to 17 possible conditions, from gout and insect stings to CREST syndrome. We rule out angioedema (also known as hives), lupus and poison ivy. pseudogout sounds fun, but doubtful. But hey, what's paronychia?

An infection that develops along the edge of the fingernail or toenail is called a paronychia (pear-ah-NIK-ee-ah). It is the most common hand infection and, if left untreated, can progress to a more severe infection of the entire finger or toe.

Care at home includes warm soaks in a mixture of 50% warm water and 50% liquid antibacterial soap 3-4 times daily for about 15 minutes. This soaking should be done at the first sign of redness around the nail.

Your doctor will most likely use medicine (such as lidocaine) to numb the entire finger first and then will open the abscess using a surgical knife (scalpel). In extreme cases, infection can move under the fingernail and need partial or complete nail removal. Unless there is an extensive cellulitis (inflammation and infection of the soft tissue around the nail), antibiotics are usually not necessary.

Amy Winehouse In The Wars Again... [Daily Mail]
Earlier: Oh No: Does Amy Winehouse Have Syphilis?
What's That Lump In Amy Winehouse's Armpit?
Paging Ms. Winehouse — Dr. Jezebel Will See You Now
Paging Dr. Jezebel... Amy Winehouse Needs Us, STAT!
Related: WebMD

Yeah, we kind of can't believe we're doing this, either. But look! Something is up "down there." The symptom checker informs us that this location is called the inguinal area. And what are the symptoms? Um, swelling? Maybe? Could be cellulitis. "A common infection of the skin and soft tissues under the skin." People at risk include those with "circulatory problems such as inadequate blood flow to the limbs" and also "liver disease." Hmm, possible. But let's try again.
It's more of a lump or a bulge, no? Is it localized to the vaginal area? Um, kind of. And we don't know if it's made worse by bowel movements, but our results are still horrifying: inguinal hernia? Hmm... probably not. Abscess? Ugh. It doesn't seem that bad. Swollen glands? Not exactly. There's only one item left on the list: Syphilis.
"Anyone who comes into close physical contact with a person who has syphilis can develop syphilis. You don't have to have sexual intercourse to get syphilis — exposure can result from contact with an infected person's genitals, mouth, or rectum." Oh, great. What else? Primary stage: open sores. Secondary stage: skin rash. Latent stage: No symptoms, also called the "hidden stage." Late (tertiary) stage: If untreated, syphilis causes heart disorders, mental disorders, blindness and death. Also "syphilis is one of the most common reportable infectious diseases in the United States." You know what? We're really, really, really sorry we asked. Thank god there was no close-up of Blake's crotch, though.

Earlier: What's That Lump In Amy Winehouse's Armpit?
Paging Ms. Winehouse — Dr. Jezebel Will See You Now
Paging Dr. Jezebel... Amy Winehouse Needs Us, STAT!
Related: WebMD

[Baltimore, MD; August 4. Image via Splash]

After selecting "arm", then "upper arm", then "armpit" and clicking on "lump or bulge", WebMD gave us two choices: "Abscess" or "Swollen Glands". We hit "Swollen Glands". Nothing! So we went back and clicked on "Abscess". Bingo! According to WebMD, an abscess is a mass "generally surrounded by a colored area from pink to deep red" and "full of pus and debris". Pus we get, but debris? As in coffee grounds, dried-up leaves & urine-stained upholstery?We clicked through to view the "full article" and learned more:

The most common sites are in your armpits (axillae), areas around your anus and vagina (Bartholin gland abscess), the base of your spine (pilonidal abscess), around a tooth (dental abscess), and in your groin. Inflammation around a hair follicle can also lead to the formation of an abscess, which is called a boil (furuncle).

As some abscesses progress, they may "point" and come to a head so you can see the material inside and then spontaneously open (rupture). Most will continue to get worse without care. The infection can spread to the tissues under the skin and even into the bloodstream. If the infection spreads into deeper tissue, you may develop a fever and begin to feel ill.

Abscess [WebMD]
Earlier: Paging Ms. Winehouse — Dr. Jezebel Will See You Now
Paging Dr. Jezebel... Amy Winehouse Needs Us, STAT!

We click "head," and then "nose," and are faced with several choices: Pain or discomfort, runny nose, drainage or pus, nosebleed, nasal congestion or difficulty breathing. Hmm. Tough one! Hard to tell if Amy's in any pain. And it's not exactly a discharge. But if something is up there, she must be congested or have trouble breathing. Let's try congested.

Okay ! Nine conditions associated with that symptom: Congestion, hay fever, acute sinusitis, indoor allergens, nasal polyps, foreign object in the nose — wait! That might be the problem! No need to forge ahead to nonallergic rhinitis, whooping cough or ricin poisoning. Back to 'foreign objects'. "The nose is a surprisingly deep space," WebMD informs us. "Only the imagination limits the objects and circumstances that result in things getting stuck inside the nose." Hmmm. Does Amy have an overactive imagination? "Common objects found in noses include food material, tissue paper, beads, toys and rocks." That's it, it must be a rock. A small white rock. Right? So, what should Amy do? "An object that is simply stuck in the nose and not causing other symptoms can usually wait until morning or the following day for removal. The object does, however, have to be completely removed quickly and without discomfort and danger." Hear that, Amy? You can make an appointment for tomorrow! Everything is going to be just fine.

What's Up With Amy Winenose? [TheSun]
Symptom Checker [WebMD]
Earlier: Paging Dr. Jezebel... Amy Winehouse Needs Us, STAT!

The Sun made this delectable closeup of Amy's icky bump. (We zoomed in on the original pic but couldn't see it!)

WebMD's symptom checker says it could be one of several horrible problems! "Skin cysts: noncancerous, closed pockets of tissue that can be filled with fluid, pus, or other material." Like what, silk? Cotton? It could be a cyst, but what about the black crusty thing? Next! "Cherry angioma, a smooth cherry-red bump." Nope! "Dermatofibromas: harmless, round, red-brownish-" Well, her thing is more like back to black. Next? "Epidermoid cysts, also called sebaceous cysts, are non-cancerous skin cysts formed from blocked oil glands on the skin. Most commonly, epidermoid cysts are found on the genitals," EWWW, "trunk and back; but they can also occur in other areas. In general, epidermoid cysts have a round appearance, A dark portion of the cyst is visible on the skin." DING DING DING! we have a winner! What else? "If the cysts become infected, they will become red and tender. When the cysts are squeezed, they can produce a cheesy white discharge." (Blergh!!!)

So what should Amy do??? "The effective treatment of epidermoid cysts requires that the sac of the cyst be completely removed. If the cyst is squeesed and the discharge forced out, the cyst will reappear." Hear that, Amy? Stop squeezing it! "A doctor will be able to remove the cyst by making only a small incision in the skin." Oh, and see a doctor!!!

Pals' Web Plea To Winehouse [The Sun]
Sexually Transmitted Infections Soar [DailyMail]
WebMD