You know that you're a real fuck up when one television interview solidifies that you're the most out of control person in a family full of notorious addicts with long criminal histories.

In this week's pop culture roundup: Lady Gaga gets felt up, Lea Michele has competition, Nancy Grace is mad and Oprah smells rich.

Now all we need is a few close-ups of Prince William's bald spot and we can call it a day, because French gossip rag Closer has run a bunch of topless shots of Kate Middleton taken on the terrace of a private guest house during a vacation to Provence with Willz last week. (Click through for the NSFW shots, featuring…

Dina Lohan taped a soon-to-be-infamous interview with Dr. Phil (set to air Sept. 17) in which she fidgets and slumps and giggles all over the place like a sun-dried tomato on Adderall. You have to hand it to the lady—it's not easy to make Dr. Phil look like the most sane and reasonable clump of atoms in the room (fun…

Pippa Middleton's been hanging out in New York with Andre Balazs and Roger Federer but, ultimately, the highlight of Pippa's stay here came when she and Chace Crawford "didn't party together, but spoke for 10 minutes." About what? About conditioners?

Picture, if you will, Kanye West swimming in a vault of precious stones a la Scrooge McDuck; after girlfriend Kim Kardashian's divorce from Kris Humphries is finalized, 'Ye apparently plans to propose with a one-of-a-kind ring made from his late mom Donda's personal jewelry collection. He visited a private jeweler…

After a seven year stint on Saturday Night Live, his main contribution being the Interwebizing of the archaic, yet occasionally (rarely) still legit great sketch comedy mainstay, professional silly person and Digital Shorts pioneer Andy Samberg is leaving for greener pastures, spurred by Kristen Wiig's recent…

He's been out of the limelight for some time but Michael Lohan has found a way to get his name back in the funnies – accusing his daughter of being hopped up on pills. Getting panned after her recent appearance on SNL, Daddy Dearest says the actress was riding high on some undisclosed prescription drugs. "'I have to…

Dina Lohan is a great mom and probably has the coffee mug half full of Southern Comfort to prove it, which is why her daughter Lindsay's career renaissance as the titular gossip incitor in Lifetime's upcoming television movie Liz & Dick comes as little surprise to her. "There's so many similarities [between Lindsay…

There's this new phone service that launched last week in which you can pay a very expensive per-minute rate to speak directly to moderately famous people. Naturally, we chose to chat with infamous moms Dina Lohan and Nadya Suleman, and share the entire insane experience with you.

Today in romantic, porn star Alex Torres — aka Voodoo – claims Lindsay Lohan paid him for sex and that the gruesome twosome went at it while her dear daddy Michael Lohan slumbered upstairs. Though this should be taken with a pinch of salt, and possibly a roofie, the sky-diving porn enthusiast [NSFW] insisted it was…

Today in Tweet Beat, Oprah breaks her Twitter silence to express her outrage over a texting driver. Plus, Diddy is on a shoe shopping spree.

Dina Lohan claims to be in talks to appear on Dancing With The Stars in spite of the fact that she is not technically a star. No, you're right… That never stopped anyone before. [Page Six]

• Unsolicited Uterus Update: Lizzie McGuire is knocked up!

• Lindsay Lohan will be released from rehab — either later today or tomorrow morning — and Dina Lohan is begging the paparazzi not to follow her.

• The National Enquirer reports that John Travolta's Vermontian resort getaway was semi-secret, and that Kelly Preston was not there. Travvie and his guy-pals were "very discreet," a source told the Enquirer. "You could tell they didn't want to be seen."

• Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling are not dating.

• Lady Gaga's concert in Paris was postponed on Sunday due to snow, and it was the second time she was forced to change her Paris show date.

• Oh no. You know how someone is harassing and stalking Lindsay Lohan? The culprit might be none other than Sam Lutfi. Ugh.

• Though Kate Gosselin recently insisted on Entertainment Tonight that her children Alexis and Collin weren't expelled from school, sources say they were asked to leave after physically abusing other students and injuring an adult.