Except, that is, for this "Rocker Apparatus," invented by Georgianna Reid when she stuck a dildo through the front of her wicker rocking chair and used her legs to rock the chair and thereby, well, you know. Although Hess's post is called "Dildos of the Future," a wicker chair seems rather a low-tech method compared to some fucking machines I've seen. But, to Reid, it must have been quite the pleasurable revelation — and good for her!

The only other application with a woman's name on it is for the "double anchor strapless dildo," for whom the (I hope) husband-and-wife team of Steven and Carolyn Skidmore are listed as inventors. The device defies description but I will make an effort if you'll look at the picture.

My understanding is that the woman wearing the strap-on, instead of putting it in a harness, sticks the barbed bit in her ass like a butt plug and the shorter end in her vagina and, thus "anchored," fucks her partner (in the application, it's intended to be a woman, but choose your own adventure) with the longer protuberance. I'm going to guess that the Skidmores have a close relationship.

The other inventions — including a dildo attached to an Ab Rocker (which I am pretty sure I saw in some gay porn), a make-a-copy-of your-willy kit (similar to what Tracie used to make a lollipop 18 months ago) and the idea of female sperm — were all invented by men, possibly for their own use. But what was the stupidest sex toy you ever saw — the one that was designed for how a dude thinks women fuck themselves? And what would you invent, if you could?

The Dildos of the Future [The Sexist]

Earlier: Sexual Chocolate: Testing The Clone-A-Willy Kit

Stats: The Mary Mermaid is a dildo in the shape of a mermaid (and also, disturbingly, the virgin Mary), with a fin that curves up for clit stimulation. It's part of manufacturer Fun Factory's "Twist 'n' Shake" line of toys, and has separate controls to adjust vibration of the fin and rotation of the dildo. It's 9.25" in total size, with 4.5" of "insertable" length. It takes 4 AA batteries, and costs $73.95. It's a little bit noisy when you have it going at full blast, but nothing out of the ordinary. Check out the way it moves and sounds here (don't worry, this is just a demonstration and my vagina does not make an appearance):

Pros: This thing looks and moves strangely and its freakishness alone kinda turned me on. Having separate controls for rotation and vibration (each of which can be completely shut off) is a plus. The sound of the mechanism isn't too loud or annoying.

Cons: I warmed up with some fin vibe before plunging the dildo in. I also put on some Xtube porn to help me along. I inserted the top of the dildo in after a few minutes, but it (or my vagina) was being stubborn and wouldn't really go in, even though I was plenty wet. I turned up the rotation to see if it could sort of twist its way in there. I could only get the bulbous head part in though. While the top portion was still inside me, I let go of the Mermaid and looked down to see what was going on. The bottom half was seriously flopping around like a fish out of water. I couldn't help but think of that Faith No More video. I couldn't get off.

Verdict: Meh. It's pretty much just The Rabbit, repackaged as a mythical creature.

Mary Mermaid [VibeReview]

Earlier: The NEA: Is This "Luxury" Vibrator Worth It?

Friends of Jesus are also talking about sex these days, and not just the missionary position. In his new book Rapture Ready!: Adventures in the Parallel Universe of Christian Pop Culture , Daniel Radosh explores a Christian website called The Marriage Bed, which offers sex advice toChristians. "This is the site to check if you're looking for the Christian case for women using strap-on dildos on their husbands ('If the only access to the prostrate is through the rectum, and I know for a fact that my pressing on the prostrate increases his pleasure, then perhaps it is ok in God's eyes for me to do that for the man He's given me') or men ejaculating on their wives faces ('It's part of our nature to want to be creative with where we 'release' our most basic creative force, and I can't help but want to be creative, I was created in my Creators image')," Radosh writes. Facials, pegging, abortion: it can be a regular old liberal party when you're down with J.C.!

How Would Jesus Choose? [Newsweek]
Rapture Ready! Excerpt [Salon]

Women
Problem: Incontinence or a prolapsed uterus
Treatment: Kegel exercises using weighted barbells, balls, or spring-loaded devices.

Problem: Recovery from Cesarean section
Treatment: Increase blood flow with use of vibrating massager

Problem: Loss of clitoral sensation after hormonal changes from menopause
Treatment: Clitoris pumps or vibrating massager to increase blood flow and feeling

Men
Problem: Prostate disorder
Treatment: Dildo or prostate tickler to massage area and drain built-up fluid

Problem: Erectile dysfunction
Treatment:Penis pump

A Sex Toy A Day Keeps the Doctor Away? [Slate]
Related: A Slide-Show History Of The Vibrator [Slate]