"All kinds of white, middle class heterosexual people give each other jewelry at Christmas to say that they love each other," Sarah explains. Diamonds are forever, she points out, "Just like roaches!" Clip above.

Target Women: Jewlery [Current]

It's bad enough that the commercial relies on the old "You suck, husband! You bought a shitty present and need to be punished" routine, but the fact that the wives come off as greedy, materialistic, and somewhat insane doesn't help matters either. The doghouse scenes read like a bad version of an already bad sitcom, wherein the dumb husband makes a sexist remark, and the wife, while trying to defend herself, does so in a manner that makes her sound like a shrill nag. Because women wanting respect and equality are soooo annoying! You better buy them some diamonds so they'll shut up, boys!

But as Marcotte points out: "I think the most depressing part of this advertising blitz around every gift-giving opportunity is that a lot of people live their lives in this way, where women’s compliance is bought off by a false pretense that women have power and a lot of shiny baubles." And she's right: there is no happiness in this commercial at all; there is rarely a sense of happiness in any diamond commercial that doesn't seem to come from the gift itself. "Tell her you love her," the commercials begin, "Tell her you'd marry her all over again." Yes! Tell her that! Go on ahead. But you don't need a $3,000 ring to make this happen.

Love is easily marketed: the equation of a ring's worth with a person's worth is nothing new. But where commercials once tried to sell us on romance and memory, they are now trying to sell us on security: for men, it's a way to prove their love, or, as the commercials would have you believe, something that is "owed" to their wives for the "services" they provide in every day life. For the woman, apparently, diamonds are a necessary payment of sorts, something that has been earned and is expected. Which is why, in commercials such as this, the women seem to hold the power over their mates. The strange and disturbing nature of these commercials isn't lost on Marcotte, who notes, "When a more powerful person makes the jewelry gesture, then it invokes unpleasant associations. But if you pretend that the woman holds all the cards, then the gift of diamonds feels more like ass-kissing, and everyone can laugh it off, because it’s just a game anyway. Like all acting, I can see how it works, but it doesn’t mean I have any skills to do it, even if I wanted to."

This type of advertising makes both genders look stupid, greedy, and shallow. And yet millions of people will wake up on Christmas morning and find a tiny box under the tree. The gift itself isn't an ugly thing: it's the intentions behind it. Do some people buy jewelry because they enjoy it and know that their significant other would enjoy it as well? Of course. But if the thought behind the gift is one of obligation, a sort of bizarre holiday transaction to ensure relationship peace for at least another year, then perhaps diamonds aren't really anyone's friend, after all.
Diamonds To Hold You Over Until February [Pandagon]

De Beers plead guilty to the crime of price-fixing a few years ago; the reason the company wants you to believe that a diamond is forever is so that you'll never try to sell the ones you have! Additionally, the minute you buy a diamond its value decreases substantially; dealers will do buy backs for a fraction of the cost paid. Plus, there are reportedly tons of diamonds unearthed every year but held back from the market to keep prices high. (De Beers points out that "An estimated 5 million people have access to appropriate healthcare globally thanks to revenues from diamonds." ) But De Beers (which controls about 40% of the world diamond market) built its company on the backs of "poorly-paid, abominably treated native African workers," and is often accused of human rights violations and illegal mining operations. Though the company (often referred to as a "cartel" or a "monopoly") now claims to comply with the Kimberley Process and offer "clean" diamonds, there are numerous reports of corruption in certain African countries due to De Beers paying off the cops and government. And the abuse rumors have not gone away. One African blogger wrote: "I believe De Beers are so neck deep in this they are even editing stories in Wikipedia." Knowing all of this, doesn't selling "tribal-inspired" jewelry seem rather déclassé? But! As a De Beers spokesman, Andy Lamont, once said: "Diamonds don't kill people. People kill people."

De Beers Pleads Guilty In Price Fixing Case [MSNBC]
History Of Single LIfe: Diamond Engagement Rings [Nerve]
Namibia: Exposing The Corrupt Practices Of The De Beers Diamond Cartel [ZNet]
Why De Beers Wants You 'Blood Diamond'-Savvy [Time]
10 Reasons Not To Buy Diamonds [Field Guide To The US Economy]
Blood Diamonds - De Beers Conspiracy [Africa, The Next Generation]

Related: Combating Conflict Diamonds [Global Witness]
De Beers Diamond Policy [De Beers]
DiamondFacts.Org
Real Diamond Facts.Org

First things first:

"1. Wedding rings need to be sparkly to remind us not to have sex with other people."

I'm not married, but my boyfriend keeps me in line with eye jewelry. I can't see other men, and when they see me, they run away retching. Seriously, plenty of women manage not to cheat despite having neither a ring nor a marriage. Also, way to spread the notion that what keeps women happy and committed is diamonds, as opposed to, like, a healthy relationship.

2. Completely shaving your genitals does not make them look bigger. It just makes you look gayer.

Ew, gay!

4. Murdering someone because he snores should be admissible in a court of law.

What should be the penalty for regurgitating annoying relationship clichés, Andrea?

And finally:

8. We don’t understand your fascination with boobs, but we’re happy you have it.

Really? Many women I know find boobs — and the female body in general — beautiful and fascinating. Items two and eight speak to a sexual rigidity and that's all over women's magazines too. This don't-kiss-my-chest-don't-shave-your-genitals rhetoric isn't just prudish, it's also really damaging, because it perpetuates the idea that all men are the same, all women are the same, and men and women are totally different from each other. And that if you want to know what a woman thinks you should read a magazine instead of, you know, asking her.

10 Things You Don't Know About Women: Andrea Savage [Esquire]

Writes Mondschein:

The slogan "a diamond is forever" debuted in 1947, giving consumers not only the idea that the diamond is a symbol of enduring love, but that it shouldn't be resold. This was because diamonds lose considerable value in resale, and since there's no point in paying De Beers full price when you could get a cheaper one second-hand, De Beers loses a lucrative sale on every diamond resold.

Mondschien also claims that the subtext of a woman hinting that she wants diamonds — and even the right hand ring conceit — is "near-prostitution."The marketing plays on a man's ego ("If you don't buy her a diamond, it implies, you not only don't love her, you can't afford her") as well as a woman's (you're supposed to think to yourself, I'm worth it). But, as with all complicated and deep-rooted traditions, the big question is: How do we break out of our diamond lust? De Beers has been accused of price-fixing and trading in conflict diamonds, but don't we all STILL look at the fingers of newly-engaged women and expect to see sparklers? How come we're all hanging on to the idea that diamonds are a girl's best friend?

History Of Single Life: Diamond Engagement Rings [Nerve]

Earlier: I Thee Dread

• Stella McCartney calls dibs on bride-to-be Scarlett Johansson: "I'm definitely doing her wedding dress. She doesn't know it yet." Awkward. [People]
  
• Says Marc Jacobs on the bride-to-be, "I'm really happy for her. She's a great girl. I just think Scarlett is great and I hope she is very, very happy. She's super funny. I love a smart, ballsy, New Yorker and that's what she is. I wish her the best." And by "the best" he clearly means, "Do why didn't that bitch ask me to design her wedding dress?" [Vogue UK]
  
• Chris "Mr. Big" Noth has some strong feelings about Victoria's Secret, "I'm not into Victoria's Secret so much. I find it over the top. I like subtlety and I like elegance. I think their things are gaudy and they are really trying too hard. If I could make a fashion statement, I think that Victoria's Secret looks to me like somebody who is putting on too much make-up. It's too gaudy, man. I mean, come on take it easy, you don't have to have a fuckin' bouquet of flowers on your underwear. Sorry Victoria's Secret; I hope they're not one of our sponsors!" [Oh No They Didn't]
  
• "You can get diamonds cheap," says Heidi Klum, which is why she's going to start sewing them into the pockets of her Jordache jeans line. Clearly, she has not seen Blood Diamond. [WWD, 9th item]

• Good for you, Adidas, for winning your lawsuit against Payless shoes for their blasphemous thievery of what is clearly a design that only you own: Stripes. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Seriously, Suri Cruise does not need custom-made Roger Vivier shoes. I, however, do. [WWD, 1st item]
• So what did More editor-in-chief Lesley Jane Seymour do Monday night in lieu of attending the Met Costume Institute Gala? (She wasn't invited.) "I dressed up in my best Versace and barbecued on the my outside deck in the suburbs! Only kidding about the Versace! I wore Prada." [Fashion Week Daily]
• Oh also, Christina Ricci left the Costume Institute Gala in a huff after realizing upon entering that she and her boyfriend had not been seated together. [Page Six]
• If only I had been trapped in an elevator with Giorgio Armani yesterday. [Wowowow]
• So Gwyneth Paltrow is all, "I don't get why there's this big fuss about my S&M footwear fetish." [USA Today]
• Video footage of Gemma Ward trying to slay Liv Tyler: Here. [Fashionista]
• Video footage of Karlie Kloss doing ballet: Here. [NY Mag]
• Model and sometimes di Caprio girlfriend Bar Rafaeli sorta needs to pony up and serve in the Israeli Army already. [UPI]
• Oh of course Jimmy Choo is trying to usurp as much press and glory as they can from the opening of the Sex and the City movie. [Vogue UK]
• Ksube + Kanye = Pretty cool. [Sassybella]
• Diet Coke + Patricia Field = Pretty random. [Sassybella]
• OMG why did The Sartorialist get fired from the new Gap ads as a model already?! Why?! Why?! [Fashionista]
• Beth Ditto will be entertaining guests at the opening of the Alexander McQueen store in L.A. next week. [Fashion Week Daily]
• In the midst of economic downturn Barneys New York and Target seem to be entering into one of those "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" sorta things. [WWD, sub req'd]
• And young design bad-ass Danielle Scutt is designing for Topshop. Seeing a theme here? [WWD, 8th item]
• The Turks? Love them some Dior. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Just what you needed: How to dress like celebrities, made easy. And a little stalker-ish. [TechCrunch]

[Hollywood, July 24. Image via x17]

• Those Sisley cocaine-snorting ads? Not exactly real. Which makes us sad because we really wanted to see something realistic in a fashion magazine. [Sassybella]
  
• You know how sometimes we read too quickly and make up, like, an alternate news story? Um, we didn't with this. You actually can turn peanuts into diamonds. [The Budget Fashionista]
  
• Two-thirds of English consumers are happy with their collection of fake bags. And the other 33% would have rather coughed up a few grand on the real thing? [BBC]

• Lord & Taylor is spending $10 million on a "brand makeover" that will attempt to make you see it as more like Nordstrom. [WWD]
• Sayeth the lawyer representing Anna Sui in her case, one of many about the stealing of designs, against Forever 21: "I believe that Forever 21's business model is to copy the designs of other well-known designers." Um, ya think? [WWD, sub req'd]
• American Eagle is giving potential shoppers a free movie ticket for trying on a pair of jeans? That is really convenient, since, um, we were trying to figure out a way to see I Now Pronounce You Chick And Larry without actually, you know, funding the evildoers. [Reuters]