All of the items are from H&M.

First item: Sleeve-less mid-thigh length dress made from 100% silk (I know!) and retailing for $69.90. The simple design made me think it would do best as a Calvin Klein item.

Second item: High-waisted and below-the-knee skirt made from polyester and retailing for $49.90. I took a look at Anna's grab-bag of mid-90s designer labels and decided that this item could be pulled off as a Donna Karan piece.

Third item: Knit tank-top made from polyester and silk and retailing for $34.90. I could just imagine a wealthy northern Italian woman lounging around in this top, so Gucci for this one.

Fourth item: Sleeve-less polyester top with tie around the waist retailing for $29.90. This top seemed very much like something you would find in the window of some girly boutique that is featured in Lucky, thus Pamela Barish seemed like a good fit.

First stop: Tokio 7:
After mulling around for a few minutes, trying to get the attention of the staff while knee-deep in the most horrendous/fabulous collection of mid-90s designer items, I finally get someone to look at my offerings. The buyer, a Japanese man in his forties, runs down the consignment policy about 50 times which I pretty much ignore because, obviously, I'm not actually trying to sell this stuff. The "Pamela Barish" top is up first: he asks me who the designer is and then gets into a lengthy conversation with another saleswoman in Japanese. I start to sweat bullets, thinking that the jig is up, but he announces that he would sell the top for $60, the "Donna Karan" skirt for $180, and the "Gucci" top for $80. His eyebrows raise a couple times when looking at the "Calvin Klein" dress but he ultimately he gives me a number of $250. Wow!

Second stop: Cadillac's Castle:
Feeling confident that my items passed the taste test at Tokio 7, I head over to Cadillac's Castle with a spring in my step. There, my attention is drawn to a Proenza Schouler for Target dress on a rack selling for $45. (It retailed for $35). I also notice a few dusty Century 21 items (red dot on the tag!) selling for a couple hundred dollars. A salesclerk directs me to the buyer, a forties-ish woman with blue eyeliner and that I-used-to-party-with-Andy-Warhol-but-now-I-take-Pilates-classes-in-the-Village kind of look who smirks in self-satisfaction as she pulls the corners of the tags on all my items off with almost no effort — and those things took me 8 hours to sew on! — and tosses them back to me. The salesclerk looks on with a mixture of anger and horror. (Perhaps they learned their lesson after the last time we made a visit?) As I walk out of the store I hear the woman say loudly, "I mean come on, right?" I feel a bit shaken and defeated, but whatever. Onward and eastward!

Third Stop: Beacon's Closet:: Okay, so this Williamsburg store isn't exactly a "high-end consignment store," but they have a pretty large collection of designer items, so, when I heard my friend would be making an appearance with some goodies of her own to sell, I threw in my items with hers and tagged along. The rail-thin hipster girls that looked through our items toss out a majority of my friend's items, giving monotone excuses like "we already have too many tops in this size," but they take a majority of my friend's H&M and Forever 21 castoffs. Finally my items appear. One of the girls carefully inspects the back of the dress and skirt (checking for period stains, perhaps?) and then says she would sell the "Calvin Klein" for $39.95 and the "Donna Karan" for $18.95. After engaging in a small tug-o-war with the buyer when I try to retrieve the goods, she tells me she could sell the "Gucci" top for $19.95 and the "Pamela Barish" top for $12.95. Interestingly, even though Beacon's Closet's buyers are known for being snobby and a bit off-putting, they seem a lot more interested in the actual items than the labels. In fact, they offer more for one of my friend's H&M summer jackets than any of my "designer" pieces. Hrmph!)

The Final Tally:
• H&M dress (original price, $69.90) masquerading as Calvin Klein: 2 for 3 with a top price of $250.
• H&M knit tank top (original price, $34.90) masquerading as Gucci: 2 for 3 with a top price of $80.
• H&M blouse (original price $29.90) masquerading as Pamela Barish: 2 for 3 with a top price of $60.
• H&M skirt (original price $49.90) masquerading as Donna Karan: 2 for 3 with the a top price of $180.

Earlier: Label Whores Head To Tampa
Label Whores Hit The East Village

Above: Club Monaco skirt (left); Club Monaco sweater (right).

The Clothes: H&M buffalo plaid cotton/polyester dress ($39.99); Club Monaco linen sweater ($99); Club Monaco cotton skirt ($129); Club Monaco cotton/spandex jacket ($199).

The Shop: Traige Consignment
Triage Consignment Showcase — a shop our relatives swear up and down is the nicest designer consignment store in town — raises our suspicions when we spot a rack of clothes devoted solely to Jones New York. We hand our bag of clothes to the girl behind the counter who informs us that she seriously doubts we're going to do very well with the pieces and encourages us to go home and try to, um, find a pair of Gap jeans to add to the mix. "It's all about brands here," she told us, "and I know this one is sorta a good brand [the fake Calvin Klein sweater] but the rest really aren't." She offers us $18 for the sweater, $20 for the dress ("And that's me doing you a favor. This dress is SO out of style. It's really old. No one is wearing anything like this now") $15 for the skirt (which also, apparently, looked "old"), and $12 for the jacket ("I've never even heard of this — I don't think it's a very good brand").

The Final Tally:

• H&M dress (original price, $39.99) masquerading as Isaac Mizrahi: $20 offer
  
• Club Monaco jacket (original price, $199) masquerading as Richard Tyler: $12 offer
  
• Club Monaco skirt (original price, $129) masquerading as Donna Karan: $15 offer
  
• Club Monaco sweater (original price $99) masquerading as Calvin Klein: $18 offer

Earlier: Label Whores Hit The East Village

The Labels (all circa 1997): Isaac Mizrahi; Calvin Klein; Donna Karan; Richard Tyler.

The Clothes: H&M buffalo plaid cotton/polyester dress ($39.99); Club Monaco linen sweater ($99); Club Monaco cotton skirt ($129); Club Monaco cotton/spandex jacket ($199).

The Stores: Tokio 7; Tokio Jack's; Cadillac's Castle.

The sordid details — including an unscheduled cameo by professional tranny Amanda Lepore — after the jump.

Above, the H&M dress and Club Monaco jacket)

First Stop: Tokio 7
We're chastised for not making an appointment to show our wares, but we're seen anyway. The salesperson reviewing our garments immediately tosses the faux-Mizrahi and the faux-Donna aside, shooting us a look that screams, "You have to be kidding me." He then announces that all our clothes are dirty and need to be dry-cleaned. (That's funny! Because they're all new and never worn!) Then he tells us he'll offer $90 for the "Richard Tyler" jacket and $50 for the "Calvin Klein" sweater. He says he is particularly interested in the jacket, since it's such a "hard to come by" piece. (We suspect Club Monaco execs will be thrilled to hear this!).

Second stop: Tokio Joe's
After transvestite/muse of David LaChappelle Amanda Lepore stops us on the sidewalk to tell us we look "confused" (you're one to talk, honey!) we head to Tokio Joe's. The salesperson here is as quick to judge as her predecessor, only here, it's the "Calvin" and the "Tyler" that summarily dismissed. But the "Mizrahi," we're told, is most intriguing and we're asked what year it's from. We say we're pretty sure it's 2001 and are quickly offered $130 for it. (!) The salesperson then asks about "Donna" skirt. We say it's 2002 (and almost find ourselves believing it). We're offered $78. Both items however, need to be dry cleaned, we're told. Yeah, yeah.

Third stop: Cadillac's Castle
The saleslady here says the "Calvin" is a no-go, as it looks really worn out. But she's ready to talk dollars on the rest, offering $135 for the "Donna" skirt ("I know how much this one is retailing for," she tells us, "And I really don't want to cheat you since I know how expensive this one is"); $195 for the "Isaac" dress ("This one's a real find, finding such a quality Mizrahi piece"); and $110 for the "Tyler" ("This might be hard to sell since this cut is so out-of-date, but I had a Marc Jacobs jacket in worse shape come in yesterday, and I'm selling it for the same"). And then — predictably, at this point! — she tells us the items look a little dirty and need a good dry-cleaning.

The Final Tally:

• H&M dress (original price, $39.99) masquerading as Isaac Mizrahi: 2 for 3, with highest offers of $130 and $190.
  
• Club Monaco jacket (original price, $199) masquerading as Richard Tyler: 2 for 3, with offers of $90 and $110.
  
• Club Monaco skirt ($129) masquerading as Donna Karan: 2 for 3, with offers of $78 and $135.
  
• Club Monaco sweater ($99) masquerading as Calvin Klein: 1 for 3, with offer of $50.

See you next time on the Upper East Side!