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What Happens When Moms Write Memoirs?
New York, 4:57 PM
Mon Dec 21
44 posts in the last 24 hours
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What Happens When Moms Write Memoirs? |
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12/05/08
12/05/08
Having said that, I also think that there's a constant struggle in American society between how much we owe ourselves as individuals, and how much we owe our communities, and I honestly think that there can't be one answer to this question. Everyone of us has to negotiate this kind of balancing act almost everyday, and given that in this particular case, you're talking about one of the most intimate relationships on earth, surely the answer depends in no small part on the people in question.
Also, when I've written about other people's stuff (the death of a friend's son, for instance), I've asked permission. It just seems fair. Writing fiction/being inspired is one thing, but if you write nonfiction, even if you hide names and details, etc, people have a right to their own stories. I think if someone had ever asked to see what I'd written first, I would have chosen instead not to write it. But it seems like that initial permission is theirs to give.
12/05/08
I can see that it might have value to future social historians but a large part of me thinks that the problem with journalism today is that so much of it is personal to the extent that the actual trade of journalism, the idea of impartial reporting, of talking to people who deserve to have their voices heard because they are denied one, is forgotten in the clamour of journalists who think the first person is the answer to everything.
And that's fine but I have to admit in a 12 year career in journalism I have written one I piece and I was deeply uncomfortable about even doing that.
Everyone experiences things in different ways and I don't know that filtering non fiction through your own experiences clarifies a situation or obscures it still further.
12/05/08
True journalism is a very different skill set, I think. I'm not sure they should be combined. It seems like journalism has drifted completely into the sphere of "opinion"
12/05/08
@ellaesther: ps the above doesn't refer to you though - parenting pieces are an occasion where I do think that personal experience filtered through can be informative.
12/05/08
So, why do I think it's important? I'm not entirely sure how to verbalize it, but I think that it's because people find a way into troubling issues better when they can find a way to relate to it. One thing I try to be very conscious of is "Do I want to write about this because it fascinates me? Or does it have greater resonance?" If it's just naval gazing, I try to keep it in my head rather than on the page.
Also, I have consistently gotten really positive responses to this writing, which tells me that some people find it meaningful. But, I will also say that I (of course) don't hear from people who see the headline and say "Oh god, another self-absorbed idiot. Next!" So, I guess that's where I also think that there is room for a lot of different kinds of writing.
Having said allllll that, I have never written just personal essays. That would drive me nuts (I don't even fascinate my*self* that much). My commentary writing has covered all manner of larger social ills, sometimes with a personal twist (one that ran several places opened: "I've had an abortion. Have you?"), but only if the personal twist worked in making the story more visceral, more accessible.
And finally, having said all THAT, all of this is moot, as I've pret' near given up that kind of writing all together, in the face of print media's death rattle. So it goes.
12/05/08
I don't need to know what so and so personally thought of such and such a celebrity, show me in the copy what they are like, don't tell me. It's just lazy.
Personal pieces are of course different to that and I agree there is a place for using the personal to help illuminate troubling issues, it's just that I feel that Ayelet Waldman doesn't so much illuminate her story as bludgeon it to death with a large torch named ego.
God only knows what I am going to do in the face of print media's death rattle. All suggestions are welcome...
12/05/08
12/05/08
The part where she imagined life if her children died really creeped me out, and makes me wonder about PPD.
I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, since I don't subscribe to the cult of perfect selfless motherhood. I guess what offends me is this idea that you husband and your children are in competition for a finite amount of your love (what is an "amount" of love, anyway?) - why can't you love them equally in different ways?
12/05/08
12/05/08
I remember the woman saying if my children died, I would be devestated. But when my husband dies, I will be completely inconsolable. That is just kind of stupid to me.
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I love my daughter dearly but I'd be lying if I said that I had to redefine my entire life around her, hell, I work around her as I can't afford childcare.
I like to think that this parenting style where she plays at my feet, looks at books, destroys my dvd collection and occasionally brings me things to read or examine while I write articles is a throwback to a less obsessive age of parenting but it probably just means I'm a bad mother.
12/05/08
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Yeah, it hurt alot. I was just a teen, and I was scared and sad and didn't know what to do or how I could help. But I'm okay, it didn't kill me (or him), and now that I am an adult we talk about our emotional health. He has promised that he will not kill himself, that he does not actually want to die, and that he will ask for help when he gets to feeling that way.
Sometimes it sucks to be an emotional support person to your own parent, but I'd rather put in the time than lose my dad.
Depression runs in my family, on both sides. It is a fact. It hurts way more people to NOT talk about it than to be open and honest.
12/05/08
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Also, I can appreciate that TrixieFirecracker doesn't like the woman, but I can't help but think that some people think that I'm an arrogant, self-deluding danger to the Jewish people (because of how I live my life and work) and others think I'm brave and selfless (because of how I live my life and work) -- I'm neither, but I would hate to see only the former have their say.
12/05/08
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Or maybe I'm just making excuses because I fear rejection.
Or maybe I am personally rejecting writing stuff about my childhood.
Or maybe everyone is co rejecting....
12/05/08
Parents should be careful about letting their children know how miserable they are. One reaction is to want to save the parent, and the other is to be embarrassed about all that emotion, especially if it's really manipulative. I hated it.
12/05/08
As a depression sufferer myself, I do understand what it is to be sick. But I also think people tend to overlook that the sickness can manifest itself in very selfish, manipulative ways that can be very hurtful and frustrating to swallow.
12/05/08
12/05/08
I don't think you should TELL you children you love their father more than you love them, not while they're still in your care, but honestly, if my mom told me, now that I'm an adult, "I'm crazy about you kids, but I love your father even more," I would think it was really sweet. They raised me fore 18 years, and then I'm off, but they're each other's partner for life. I want them to be with the loves of their lives forever, not just until they head to college.
12/05/08
Growing up witnessing paramount love is a really great example and, in all likelihood, a warm environment for children to feel safe and nurtured. I definitely wouldn't be offended to hear that my mom or dad loved each other more than they loved me and my brother, as long as it wasn't each other, then the dog, then the cottage, then the toaster, then me.
12/05/08
"But, honey, the toaster has a self-timer, do you?"
12/05/08
My parents have a great marriage but it was never a question that we were loved more by them than they loved each other.
12/05/08
As a child (and grandchild) there are certain things that I wouldn't want my older relatives to write.
But I also know that I'm also going to have decendents at some point - and I'll probably put my own needs above theirs at some point in the desire to write - so I guess I just have to get over the judgement.
12/05/08
I said, "Mom, you have SIX children!"
"Hmm, I forget that at times."
Not to mention all the other large chunks of our shared history she has forgotten, so no thanks, unless it was classified as fiction.
That said, everyone is entitled to write about their lives as they remember them, regardless if one loves their husband, children or others more or less than other members of their family circle. I still want to write a book with my siblings about our growing up, as we have such different memories and experiences.
12/05/08
12/05/08
I feel it is a matter of maturity of the kids and it develops with your relationship.
Basically, if you operate from a mode of responsibility and love--you will know when, where and how much to share. Or you will make a mistake, and you will apologize. Kids need to learn that their moms make mistakes, but that they still love them.
12/05/08