• Britney was at a middle school in The Bronx yesterday to present a $10,000 check for the music program. The donation came from Elizabeth Arden, which is behind Brit's fragrances, Believe, Fantasy and Curious. [People]
• Hey, guess who has another perfume coming out in December? [ONTD]
• So yesterday we read that Britney wanted to buy her sex tape from Adnan Ghalib. Today Adnan says: "There is no sex tape. I’m extremely upset and taking legal action." Um, against whom? Also, even if there is no "sex" tape, there's no doubt he has some footage of her dazed and naked. You just know it. Think about the state she was in back then. [The Sun]
• Oh here we go, more quotes from Adnan: "There is no sex tape, and I've never claimed there is one. I don't know where these quotes I'm supposed to have said have come from. What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false. I'm extremely upset and distressed and I'm taking legal action... This story has caused a lot of hurt to my family and people close to me. There is no sex tape. That is the end of the matter." [Star]
• OMFG: Did LC hook up with JustinBobby behind Audrina's back??? [E!]

• Lily Allen's friends want her to go to rehab, since she drinks too much and always feels depressed. Sniff. [Perez Hilton]
• Tina Fey's Palin videos are getting big traffic for NBC's website. And she's not even an SNL regular anymore. [MediaWeek]
• The Heather Locklear/Jill Ishkanian story is long and complicated, but it seems to involve Denise Richards. [Jossip]
• Did you know that Charlize Theron makes a shitload of money just for wearing jewelry? [The Smoking Gun]
• Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo: Winter wedding? [The Superficial]
• Have you seen this video with Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Benicio Del Toro, Laura Linney, Eva Longoria, Leo DiCaprio and ton of other celebs encouraging you to vote? [People]
• There's also a video with Demi Moore and Ashton and "Barack Obama." [Perez Hilton]
• David Beckham spent the whole night drinking with some guy he thought was Rex Lee — Lloyd from Entourage — but it was just a prankster. [Mirror]
• Shia LaBeouf: Injured again, this time above the eyebrow, by a prop on the set of Transformers. He got stitches, then it was back to work. [Perez Hilton]
• Bianca Golden, the America's Next Top Model contestant who had an airport showdown with Nikki Blonsky and her family this summer, has spoken out for the first time about the incident to Tyra Banks (of course!). Bianca says Nikki was rude to her family from the beginnning and that "her father … punched my mom. He knocked her out. He hit my mom with such force she stumbled back, and when she stumbled back, the whole family got up and attacked my mom." Then the Blonsky family supposedly yelled racist remarks at the Goldens. DRAMA! [Perez Hilton]
• Jamie Hince, Kate Moss's ex, went to a psychic in L.A. after a "massive drinking session" and had to be helped out the place. Did the clairvoyant see a reconciliation in her crystal ball? [The Sun]
• Word is Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady will get married very soon. A friend says: "I don't think they will even bother getting engaged — and will just slip off and marry quietly." [Perez Hilton]
• Russell Crowe gained 63 pounds for his role in Body Of Lies. He says: "I'll have that cheeseburger for breakfast, thank you!" [UPI]
• A women's shelter cut headliner Sandra Bernhard from its annual benefit after she said Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be gang-raped if she ever visited New York. Jokes! [AP]
• Russell Brand wants to sleep with Helen Mirren. "She's so sexy and enchanting, just look at her form." They're going to be working together in a new film version of Shakespeare's The Tempest. Russell says: "I'll be all over her. I don't know how I'll get any work done." [Mirror]
• Is Holly Madison heading for The Hills? She was seen partying with Lo, Brody and Frankie. [E!]
• Jane Kaczmarek says even though she and hubs Bradley Whitford are television stars, their family only has one TV in the house. "We don't watch much TV," she claims. "We're big readers." [UPI]
• Were those nude Marilyn Monroe photos that are the subject of a lawsuit found in a garbage can 35 years ago? [AP]
• Robbie Williams is working on an aliens-inspired album, and has been writing alien-anthems at a UFO camp in Trout Lake, WA — a hot spot for alien encounters. [Perez Hilton]
• You know how Courtney Semel smacked a security guard in Vegas back in August? She's getting off with just paying a $250 fine. [TMZ]
• A cookbook from rapper Coolio? LOL! He says: "I'm a gourmet chef. I have my own YouTube channel for cooking. I do a lot of healthy fusion food - I do Black Italian - Blitalian, Black Asian - Blasian, Black English - Blenglish and I'm about to try Black Scottish - Blottish. I like traditional food and putting my own twist on it." [Daily Express]
• Get your tie dye out, Phish is reuniting. [Newser]
• Rickrolling has brought Rick Astley back into the public eye, and he's up for an MTV Europe Music Award this year, although he has never been nominated before. [BBC News]
• Behold: Luke Ledger, Heath's cousin. Also an actor. [News.com.au]
• Here's a funny little story told by actor Sir Michael Gambon, about Johnny Depp meeting the Queen. [Telegraph]
• Ang Lee is working on a comedy about Woodstock. The 1969 concert, not the tiny bird who's friends with Snoopy. [Reuters]
• "I think my only trick is… be normal and kind of have your shit together. And be consistent and reliable. Just not a flake. Really, the thing is, not to be a superflake. Don't be an asshole. Don't be supercocky. Don't be a show-off. Everyone for some reason feels the need to show off." — David Spade, on how he gets so many chicks. [Radar]
• "I definitely think there's more opportunity in television to a certain degree. But I don't know that there's as much opportunity for a lot of people of color to spread their wings because sometimes it came be very limited. But there are so many filmmakers that are willing to take more risk, and do color-blind casting — that's how a lot of things have come to pass for me […} You can get shafted both ways — you can be too American, or you can be too Chinese. It's a very difficult combination to be neither/nor, or either/or. It's nice to be able to embrace all cultures and to jump from one thing to another, which is kind of the whole reason for acting, to transform yourself, you know?" — Lucy Liu. [Wall Street Journal]
• "I have a great guy that's been around me for 15 years and he likes to yell at me every time I come into the office. He's a cranky old man. I love him. He is a Jungian therapist. He's taught me to listen to my psyche, be aware of what is going on and to make great choices." — Pamela Anderson. [Guardian]
• "The film is particularly painful for some people to watch. They keep hoping for a different ending. The great thing for me as an actor is I get to play all that anger on screen. So I don't have to live with it." — Kevin Spacey, on his flick Recount, about the 2000 election and the hanging chad debacle. [Independent]

First of all, you think it's absolutely hilarious to call attractive male politicians gay! In today's piece, you say, "American men know how to deal with male politicians. When they're good-looking, we call them gay. When they're not, we call them 'distinguished-looking' or 'Joe Lieberman.'" Such rapier wit has seldom been found outside a vomit-stained frat basement. What's even sadder is that this isn't even original hackery from you. When you wrote about how to make fun of Obama, you said, "He's well-dressed…He may only be half-black, but he's three-quarters gay." ROTFL indeed!

Okay, now let's get to the meat of your assertions about Palin's sexiness. Stein says, "In fact, what's sexist is men's fear of sexualizing the women we take seriously," which would be a good point, if you didn't preface that statement by writing, "When she posed for Vogue last year, Palin said of the media, 'I wish they'd stick with the issues instead of discussing my black go-go boots.' A good method of getting reporters to do that, of course, is to not pose for Vogue or talk about your go-go boots. Still, I understand her point. Which is that she wears go-go boots." Oh Joel, you clearly take Palin incredibly seriously…as an object.

Then there's the flat-out-insulting pretending to be "funny." "In the last few years — for reasons I assume have to do with either yoga, organic food or advice from Dr. Oz — women in their 40s and 50s have gotten truly, deeply hot. Madonna hot. Demi Moore hot. Stifler's mom hot. In 1990, the only way a woman could have had five kids and still look like Palin was to have been knocked up in high school with quintuplets," you write. It's a double whammy of ists! Sexist and ageist! Well played.

So now is where I will say one thing in defense of this mostly-fucked up attempt at funniness. "I would like to live in a world in which young men dream about sex with a woman who is vice president instead of whatever job it is that Kim Kardashian holds," Stein writes. And to be honest, we'd like to live in that world too! A woman can both be attractive and powerful, and we'd love to live in a world where the highest levels of success add to a woman's allure, instead of subtracting from it.

Unfortunately, just as you said up top, you're far more focused on Sarah Palin's go-go boots than you are on her fiscal policy (even though you claim to be a fan of the latter as well!). And that, in a nutshell, is what's wrong with this campaign: people are far more concerned with all the superficial trappings of Palin than they are with what's going on behind those rimless glasses.

Real Vice Presidents Can Have Curves [LAT]

Earlier: Joel Stein: American Original
And Now All The Bloggers Hate Joel Stein
Every Day Is Slutoween

[Malibu, August 31. Image via x17]

• David Duchovny, 48, has entered rehab for sex addiction. Here's his statement: "I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family." Duchovy has been married to Tea Leoni since 1997 and they have 2 kids: daughter Madelaine West, 9, and son Kyd, 6. (Um, remember this?) [People]
• Oh, god. There's info floating around that Tea Leoni is secretly dating Billy Bob Thornton. And this old blind item ("What actor, Mr. X, is having an affair? The file on him is that he's screwing his (female) tennis instructor. Yup. His actress wife is going to become a Lion when she finds out!") seems to clearly be about Duchovny and Leon. WTF. [ONTD, Radar, Perez Hilton]
• BREAKING NEWS: Heidi Montag is McCain's Vice President. She says. [Extra]
• Barack Obama's Denver set was constructed by the designers who did Britney Spears' sets. It's Barry, bitch! [Extra]

• Richard Lohan, Lindsay's paternal grandfather, died yesterday after a battle with colon cancer. Michael Lohan says: "My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina's attorney. Let's see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral. THIS will show her true colors!" [E!]
• Oh, and Michael Lohan is going to do a one-hour TV special that has 101 text messages from Lindsay and 60 tape recordings of Dina. [Perez Hilton]
• Lindsay Lohan has been "begging" Michael Phelps for a date. A source says: "Lindsay has been trying to meet up with him. They're both going to the MTV Video Music Awards next month." [Mirror]
• But wait! Michael Phelps is texting Carrie Underwood! They are "planning a quiet first date" near Carrie's home in Nashville. [ONTD]
• More from Michael Lohan: "Dina took a percentage of Lindsay's money when I NEVER took a red cent! All the while, I only speak out when something is wrong or needs to be made right! Dina is a money-loving, fame-seeking, self-serving deceiver, who comes from roots of the same. Meanwhile they say I seek fame! Ha! I am out there doing charity work, going on mission trips, working with the United Nations and trying to help my daughter while spending sleepless nights with a father dying of cancer…" [Perez Hilton]
• And! Still more from Michael Lohan: "Who's out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins...She's gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who's out of control?" [E!]
• Meanwhile: Lindsay's uncle, Paul Sullivan (Dina's bro), was arrested for allegedly stealing 9/11 relief funds. [Extra]
• Christopher Ciccone says Demi Moore once squirted breast milk at him at a party. Viva la leche! [Jossip]
• Jennifer Aniston: Guest starring on 30 Rock! [Star]
• Halle Berry is wearing a ring on THAT finger. [E!]
• Joe Biden has hair plugs. Oh, wow, they have old pix of him when he was bald! [Awful Plastic Surgery]
• Mackenzie Phillips spent the night in jail after her drug bust, but got out yesterday after posting $10,000 bail. First she was visited by half-sister Bijou Phillips and Bijou's boyfriend, Danny Masterson. Apparently when Mackenzie was busted at the airport, a bag of cocaine fell from her pants, she admitted to using heroin that morning and she was found to have "extensive" marks on her arms. A police officer asked if she was diabetic. She said: "No, I am healthy except for my drug problem." [E!]
• Is the new American Idol judge there to cover for Paula Abdul, who was "absent" a lot last season? [MSNBC]
• Charlize Theron went from the DNC to the Venice Film Festival to the Guggenheim Museum for a documentary about Valentino. Multifaceted! [E!]
• Remember how Solange Knowles told off a newscaster and then the video was circulated? She responds! She says she is "disappointed in the level of journalism right now." [TMZ]
• Decathlete Bryan Clay doesn't think Michael Phelps is the best athlete. "When you’re talking about the best athlete in the world, I think it needs to be somebody that’s well rounded, that can do everything well," Bryan tells OK! magazine. "I think that’s me at this point." Clay only has one gold medal, but he's on the Wheaties box. [MSNBC]
• At a screening of Guy Ritchie's new flick, RocknRolla, a scene about Russian immigrants prompted some drunk dude to start shouting, "Yeah all you immigrants get back home, go on, fuck off." He was kicked out, obvs. [Mirror]
• Homer Simpson will get a colonoscopy during the "Stand Up For Cancer" fund-raiser on Sept. 5. Animated polyps? [Page Six]
• DMX is sorta kinda cleaning up his troubled legal life: He needs to pay a court fine in Miami and deal with that skipped court date in Arizona. [E!]
• Danity Kane drama involving Diddy. [Rush & Molloy]
• O.J. Simpson was beat up by his own daughter??? [Extra]
• Vin Diesel's new movie, Babylon A.D., sucks. The director (Amelie hottie) Mathieu Kassovitz calls it a "a bad episode of 24." Diesel was late all the time, Kassovitz allegedly had a nervous breakdown, etc. Box office poison, which opens today, not that you're gonna see it! [Page Six]
• "I'm not supporting Nader for president… I will reluctantly vote for Obama." — Sean Penn. [Page Six]
• "Sometimes I think she has 'desperate character' written on her. The clothes we wear send a message. And I think that’s the message — I don’t think that’s her intention though." — Tim Gunn on Jennifer Aniston. [Just Jared]
• "For years, I tried to get producers to have Vinny sell his Hummer and buy a Prius. Then I realized this show is entertainment. I know that Entourage is often demeaning and crude, but there's also a lot of social commentary." — Adrian Grenier. [Page Six]
• "A friend of mine (a petite blond woman who works for a progressive organization) was wrestled to the ground by six cops/security-people because she had left her credentials in her hotel room. Maybe the cops in Denver should lay off the caffeine/meth/diet-pills/sugar-cereals while they're working the convention?" — Moby, on security at the DNC. [Rush & Molloy, via Blender.com]
• "As much as she does and says outrageous things and isn't the nicest person in town, I think that Blair is what a lot of people wish they could be. She's got really good fashion and she lives in a gorgeous apartment and she's got tons of money and she's very well taken care of, well coiffed, has beautiful boys surrounding her, all this stuff. I think that a lot of women also relate to her because she is imperfect and she has her insecurities. And also, she's quite sexual." —Leighton Meester, on her Gossip Girl character, Blair Waldorf. [Salon]
• "I made the decision to take acting seriously after high school. When I was in my Freshman year at college I took some acting classes and found that I fell in love with it again. I was never challenged when it came to acting as a youngster. I sort of just did whatever was given to me without asking questions. I didn’t really understand why I enjoyed it or why I did it." — Mary-Kate Olsen. [Mirror]
• "I don’t have assistants, bodyguards or even a driver because I try to pretend in my own head that this isn’t happening. I think a lot of actresses live in this cotton-wool world but I’m very free-spirited and I want to be able to live the life I do. I don’t court attention. I don’t go to other people’s premieres. I haven’t been out to a club in London for years." —Sienna Miller. [Daily Express]
• "I'm hoping that it’ll firm it up and shape it up. Everyone is asking if I’m worried it’s going to go away. No, it’s going to tone it up. I can use that" — Kim Kardashian, on what Dancing With The Stars will do to her ass. [People]
• "Today I read on a blog that I went to the doctor and he said I was overweight and I cried and went to Planet Blue (because I was blue) and bought 6 pair of size 0 jeans. Now it is ridiculous to read such nonsense about oneself so I thought I was would address this one...
  1. My doctor says I am right on target with my weight gain
  2. Have not been to Planet Blue in at least two years
  3. Love my maternity jeans ..they have stretchy tops it is awesome!
  4. My closet full of size 0 are being worn by Pete right now and he looks hot in them :)
  So now that I have cleared that up let me tell you...carrying a child is the most inspiring, emotional, amazing experience of my life. My weight and my pant size are the absolute last thing I am concerned about. I am only concerned with having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. People who talk and judge pregnant women's weight need to get a life!!!
  Peace and Love,
  Ashlee"
  [ONTD]

The Good:
Rumer Willis looks elegant, yes. But the girl is 20, people! She should be doing fun fashion!
Not gonna lie to you: don't love the whole Leger bandage dress thing. But Kiely Williams' iteration is one of the better ones.
This is a "don't try this at home" moment; Malin Akerman makes this work, but few could.
Vail Bloom : trendy done nicely. Every component of this will look dated in two days.



The Bad:
If we went on Project Runway this is how every single one of our dresses would look, because we can't sketch or sew. I mean, the one dress we'd make before we got kicked off for doing something as ill-fitting, confining and unflattering as Katharine McPhee's.
Here's the thing: when you have breasts, there are certain trade-offs. One of the first ones is not being able to wear insubstantial asymmetrical silk cocktail dresses. Dana Goodman is not keeping up her part of the bargain.
Emmanuelle Chriqui: Please don't buy eveningwear from Forever21.
I said, please don't buy eveningwear from Forever21! God! It's like they're not even listening to a stranger commenting on their clothes a full day after they've already worn them! Jenna Dewan.
Kat Dennings's dress is cute, but it's too much for her small frame, and the neck is unflatteringly high.


The Ugly:
Adrienne Bailon's leopard tent was a mere "Bad" before I noticed the cleavage action.
I understand that as Hef's main girlfriend, Holly Madison has a certain responsibility to represent at all times. Well played, madam.

Images via Getty

• Russell Simmons is forking over $20,000 per daughter in child support to Kimora Lee, which seems about right when you take into account that they are not just children but living ambassadors of Fabulosity. [TMZ]
• Naomi Campbell was kind enough to get arrested wearing one of Nelson Mandela's signature baseball caps, thus showering millions of dollars in free publicity on his AIDS awareness campaign, and this is the thanks she gets? [MSNBC]
• Mary-Kate Olsen and Ben Kingsley make out in the new movie The Wackness and now the guy we all associate with one of modern history's foremost humanist visionaires is going around talking about how making out with someone 42 years younger than him was completely cool and she was "totally in charge." [People]
• Miley Cyrus admits that her latest song "7 Things" is a very angry song, because it's about an ex-boyfriend, not a specific Jonas brotherly ex-boyfriend you understand, but just like a composite character ex-boyfriend, since anyone who's been around the block a few times knows that shitty guys generally adhere to a few typical patterns of behavior and also, hello, 15-year-old Disney teen idol confections maybe do not write their own songs. Not that their quotes don't sound like they do! "[It goes] through all the different stages of what's been going on the past couple years…It was like a little therapy moment for me." [People]

• Christian Bale thinks what happened after Heath Ledger's death amounted to a "hideous circus." [NY Mag]
• John Mayer is one of those guys who holds out the fact that he's never cheated on anybody as proof he is a "good guy," but like, what the fuck? With some people you are committing an act of social justice by cheating on them and yes I am talking about Jessica fucking Simpson. [MSNBC]
• The Christie Brinkley divorce…you know? I just can't get into it right now. How about we discuss our favorite Billy Joel songs again. If you want to get banned you will say "Still Rock N Roll To Me." [NYDN]
• Demi Moore is making some appearances in Dubai but somehow her heart doesn't seem like it's in it. [Page Six]
• Brad and Angie gave $1 million to a few charities helping in The Iraq. [AP]
• David Beckham is doing a line of mineral water. And sure, sure, it's fine for you and the Beastie Boys to say that maybe another bottled water brand is not what the world needs now, but if you bore the responsibility of hanging onto the title of World's Biggest Carbon Footprint you might come up with some not-particularly-original ideas yourself. [Mirror]
• Because Celine Dion sees your hysterical excess, and raises you a $36,343 water bill! [Palm Beach Post]
• When Tim McGraw spies a male fan aggressively groping a lady fan at one of his sold-out concerts, he kneels down, drags the guy by the wifebeater onstage, maybe takes a few swings in self-defense before handing him off to his roadies in time to sing the next line of the song he was singing, which just happens to be "I'm not lookin' for trouble." See, a few years back that story would have sounded apocryphal but this is the YouTube era so even doubting Thomases such as myself can safely assure you it really happened. [CMT]
• And yeah, ditto on the Verne Troyner sex tape. [TMZ]

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)

Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)

In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)

OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)

Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

New York, April 10th, 2008. Image via INFDaily.

[Los Angeles, April 1. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

(Images created by Cheryl Campbell; click image below to enlarge)

Harper's Index, 2008 [Harper's] Demi's Family Style [Harper's Bazaar]

Earlier: the Harper's (Bazaar) Index: Designer Diets, Little Miss Mortimer & Lindsay Lohan's DUIs •The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: J. Lo's Diamonds, Giuliani And The Cougar Allure •The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: January 2008 •The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: December 2007 •The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: September 2007 •The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: August 2007 •The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: July 2007

Earlier: Demi Moore Is Into Bloodsuckers, Brazilian Waxes

[New York, March 25. Images via Splash.]

The Good:
With little daughter Tallulah on his arm, Bruce Willis' actual date Emma Hemming is totally forgettable.
Irina Pantaeva has still got it.
Good for Russell Simmons: The hat is nice and Porschia Coleman seems a lot less heinous than Kimora.

The Bad:
Why is Anika Noni Rose not dressed for the red carpet?
Now surely Andre Leon Talley can do better than this. Did he have American Apparel make their gross pleather leggings into a coat for him?
Send in some queer eyes to get Carson Kressley a better fitting suit and some blotting papers, stat.
Is Donna Karan preparing for an apocalypse that renders her an evil Lawrence of Arabia?
As a major Debbie Harry fan, this hurts me to say, but these yellow plaid pants (are they flannel?!) make my heart cry a thousand times.
Glenda Bailey has clearly forgotten that a high-neck velvet dress is just one step above wearing an ugly Christmas sweater without irony.
Christian Siriano in yet another vest-and-skinny-black-pants look? He needs a new outfit.
Socialite Olivia Palermo's dress is just trying too hard.

The Ugly:
Arden Wohl's outfit is so bad it is clearly exhausted her with its ugliness.

[Images via Getty.]

• Victoria Beckham has been approached by Fox to host her own fashion reality TV show. Posh would travel around America — some small, "backwater" towns — finding style-challenged people, and giving them fashion make-overs. Geek to chic! [Marie Claire]
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon went to a play in New York on Sunday, but spent the whole time texting. Rude! [Page Six]
  
• Though he's been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, Patrick Swayze's doctor says he "has a very limited amount of disease and he appears to be responding well to treatment thus far." [People]
  
• Demi Moore is on the cover of Bazaar and talks about her relationship with Ashton Kutcher inside: "People made such a fuss about it. You would have thought the world had never seen it before. Age wasn't what I was thinking about, but to the rest of the world it was a very big deal." [Perez Hilton]
  
• Demi's family portrait is hot. [People]

• Cosby Show alum Raven Symoné, 22: "I want to have a record label and a licensing company. I want to have a publishing company and a management company where I can launch all kinds of artists. I want to do everything. I want to be Disney." Get it girl! [LA Times]
• Terri Irwin faces a court battle over a million dollar debt at her late husband's Australia Zoo. A debt collector is suing the zoo and Terri in a case that involves an offshore bank with ties to a corrupt tax official. Messy stuff. [Times]
• Bai Ling pleaded guilty to disturbing the peace in her case regarding the theft of Star magazines and batteries. She was ordered to pay a fine of $700, and you can now go back to not thinking about her, if you want. [People ]
• Jamie Lynn Spears will be a guest star on an ABC comedy called Miss Guided, premiering March 20. Judy Greer stars in the sit com and JLS (who wasn't knocked up when she shot the show) plays a troubled student; Ashton Kutcher also guest stars. They really really really want people to watch. [People]
• Scott Weiland pleaded innocent to his DUI charge. He's free on bail and goes to court April 4. [Reuters]
• Jack Osbourne: Sings like his dad. At least when doing karaoke. [Page Six]
• Josh Kelly on those pix of he and Katherine Heigl and the moving truck: "Katherine and I are moving boxes and furniture into our new house in LA and this gang of photographers were there snapping away at us. So I say to them, 'You guys are just going to sit there taking pictures, making money while we bust our asses?'" That's when the paparazzi started lifting boxes. [Page Six]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick would not have a kid if it weren't for herbal supplement Airborne, cough cough. [Page Six]
• Jeremy Piven continues to hit on women everywhere, yawn. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which hit show that has everyone guessing about its closeted male star also has a female co-star who plays for the home team?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which floundering pop star is hoping a unisex clothing line will rehab her nonexistent singing career?" [Rush & Molloy]
• The court has extended Jamie Spears' conservatorship of Britney to July 31; though it could end earlier if Brit's mental state keeps improving and stabilizes. It seems like she's in a good place, here's to hoping she keeps it up! [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Sam Lutfi allegedly says, "I am going to call Britney to the stand so she can tell the world how I was helping her. I am innocent. I am Britney's friend and would never hurt her." Sure, sure. [MSNBC]
• Showgirls star Elizabeth Berkley will host Bravo's new show, Step It Up & Dance. But will she keep her clothes on? [TMZ]
• That boy from American Idol with the pretty pretty lips went to a school for "at-risk" kids and had "issues" or something. Wow, his lips are so pretty. [TMZ]
• Valerie Bertinelli on Eddie Van Halen's undisclosed health crisis: "I really don't think it's anybody's business." [People]
• Producer Linda Perry is suing over royalties she's owed from James Blunt's album. [Reuters]
• The True Colors Tour is coming! Cyndi Lauper, the B-52s and, um, Carson Kressley. [USA Today]
• Lily Allen won't play the Isle of Wight Festival in the UK because her new album is behind schedule. But leave her alone, she's been through a lot. [Perez Hilton]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt attended the memorial service of Heidi's stepbrother yesterday; he died after slipping off of a roof and was a veteran of combat missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. [People]
• Dancing With The Stars' Julianne Hough, 19, will be a virgin until she gets married. She also does not drink, smoke or do drugs. Goody two-shoes. What do you do? [People]
• Sarah Ferguson, The Duchess of York, is a "fat-fighting guru" for a new TV show in the UK. She will help mere, common people with their weight issues. [BBC News]
• Jerry O'Connell will take part in a race across the Scottish Highlands. Kayaking, rappelling and that kind of stuff is involved, yet the race is sponsored by a liquor. Interesting. [UPI]
• Bruce Willis is a stoner. [Perez Hilton]
• Producers from The View are not wooing Cindy Crawford, which is too bad. [MSNBC]
• MTV won't air the new Gnarls Barkley video featuring Justin Timberlake because it could trigger an epileptic seizure. View at your own risk! [MSNBC]
• Danny Bonaduce will host a child star reality show, on VH1, which sounds healthy. Not. [UPI]
• Death threats against Daniel Radcliffe? How could anyone hate Harry Potter? [Sydney Morning Herald]
• You know John Waters' Cry-Baby is coming to Broadway, right? (I am so there.) [Page Six]

• Jennifer Lopez finally gave birth to her twins: She and Marc Anthony are the proud parents of a boy and a girl. The names have not yet been announced, but we're hoping they don't pick Jenny Jr. and Marc Jr. How about something like Luz and Libertad? [People]
  
• The 5-pound, 7-ounce girl arrived first, followed by her 6-pound brother minutes later. Jennifer and Marc are "thrilled and over the moon." [CNN]
  
• Amy Winehouse "trashed" her hotel room before the Brit Awards: Booze was spilled, cigarette butts were scattered, bottles of champagne and "unwashed knickers" were all over the floor. She also blackened the tub by using it to dye her hive. And there was a large mirror taken off the wall and lying on the floor. She's only a half-naked groupie shy of the full rock cliché box set! [The Sun]
  
• The restraining order finally served to Sam Lutfi means he must not contact Britney — including via telephone — through March 17. Progress! [TMZ]
  
• A bartender at NYC hotspot Socialista has hepatitis A, so Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Madonna, Lucy Liu, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson and Bruce Willis had better get shots! [Page Six]
  
• Hip-hop mogul Damon Dash during the lunar eclipse: "I'm a little scared." LOL. [Page Six]

• Dating Natalie Portman a while back made Moby "a target of a lot of nerd wrath." Poor baby! [Page Six]
• Prince is throwing a post-Oscars bash! Expected guests include Katie and Tom, Will Smith, Salma and Penelope. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which member of the Black Enterprise 'Top 25 Hollywood Money Makers,' whose sexuality long has been in question by fans, was seen trying not to be seen with a same sex pal at an L.A. restaurant Wednesday evening? "They were trying not to look like they were together, but they looked together," says a witness." [Gatecrasher]
• Aaron Carter, 20, was pulled over for speeding in Texas and cops found two ounces of marijuana in his car, uh-oh. Not found: His career. [TMZ]
• Heather Mills is on FHM's list of the world's most sexiest women. She's 95th, but that's ahead of Gwen Stefani, Paris Hilton and Kirsten Dunst. [Mirror]
• Does Lindsay Lohan have a new man? Does she love anyone as much as she loves leggings? [The Sun]
• Beyoncé is going to play legendary singer Etta James in an upcoming film; Ms. James says, "It's a privilege and an honor to have somebody like that girl. I don't think she looks like me, but that's all right. I wasn't as bourgie as she is, she's bourgeois. She knows how to be a lady, she's like a model. I wasn't like that... I smoked in the bathroom in school, I was kinda arrogant, so those are some of the things I would want to tell her." [Concrete Loop]
• Angelina and Brad are cohosts of an Oscar party on Saturday — and so is Jennifer Aniston. The bash is being held by the pool of the Beverly Hills Hotel, we can only dream of a scenario in which the ladies wrestle and fall into the water, then Brad has to strip down and break them apart. What? It could happen. [MSNBC]
• An entertainment news agency has apologized to Will Smith for distributing a story alleging he called Adolf Hitler a "good person." [Guardian]
• A portrait of Heath Ledger is up for a prominent art prize in Australia. The portrait was painted by Heath's friend Vincent Fantauzzo, who says, "When you paint someone, you meditate over them. I was painting Heath every day for 10 hours a day." [People]
• Harrison Ford blames his decision to sport an earring on Jimmy Buffet and Ed Bradley. [UPI]
• Valerie Bertinelli says she and Eddie Van Halen cheated on each other, if you care. [People]
• Delta Burke, who checked into a psychiatric hospital in January, says she suffered from anxiety as early as kindergarten. Also: Her hoarding is a problem! "At one time I had 27 storage units. I don't have a big enough house!" she claims. "My mom had it, it's my mother's fault. She saved the diaper I came home from the hospital in!" [USA Today]
• OMG Tori Spelling's autobiography is gonna be awesome! On Shannen Doherty: "Shannen had everything, but she could be arrogant and carefree. Jennie [Garth] was outspoken when she thought Shannen was out of line. Sometimes they got along, but there were explosions. Once they got into a fistfight. A night with [Shannen] meant going to the hottest club and drinking until the early hours. I knew she was a 'bad influence,' but I liked her anyway." [Perez Hilton]

• Did Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, overdose on heroin in jail? He was reportedly found passed out in his cell and rushed to the prison hospital. [TMZ]
  
• Amy went out in London and "left a pair of boob enhancers, like chicken cutlet things to push up your boobs, and some hair extensions in the toilet." Whoops! And hey, what was she doing in there, anyway, that she needed to ditch her cutlets and hair? [Page Six]
  
• This report claims that Blake traded signed pictures of Amy for drugs. [The Sun]
  
• Post-overdose Blake has been banned from all contact with the outside world. That means no visitors. Amy is going to freak the fuck out. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Diva alert! There's an empty private room with a luxurious brown leather couch in North Shore University Hospital on Long Island, patiently awaiting for Jennifer Lopez to give birth. "No one's even allowed in there until she gets here. It's just sitting there for her," says a source. [Page Six]
  
• After she gives birth, People magazine will probably pay J. Lo and Marc Anthony between $4 million and $6 million for photos of the twins. [Ad Age]

• David and Victoria Beckham renewed their vows — and got matching tattoos of the event's date — nearly two years ago, but kept it a secret until now. [UPI]
• Rihanna caught her father smoking crack when she was nine years old. He's since kicked drugs and joins the singer when she's on tour. [Mirror]
• Blind item! "Which recently divorced fashion editor is rumored to be spending more time in Los Angeles these days? Word is she's taken up with the recently jailed Kiefer Sutherland." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which movie star recently suffered a miscarriage? The heartbroken actress is now talking about adopting." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which celebrity sibling who can't stay out of trouble has a girlfriend-of-record, but also a much-talked about romantic incident involving a same-sex pal in the Hamptons last summer?" [Gatecrasher]
• Naomi Watts teared up at a tribute to Heath Ledger is Sydney, Australia. [News.com.au]
• As reported, 47-year-old Tilda Swinton has a 29-year old boyfriend named Sandro and a 67-year-old partner and baby-daddy named John. But did she steal Sandro from his 26-year-old girlfriend? [Daily Mail]
• Heather Mills' manicurist spills: "I'd sum her up by saying she can be charming but, on the other hand, nuts." [Daily Mail]
• Heather will destroy all the evidence she has accumulated about Paul McCartney's wealth; and all video and audio evidence on their four-year marriage. [Daily Mail]
• Jared Leto attacked a fan with his microphone while crowdsurfing at a show in the UK. [Perez Hilton]
• Kirstie Alley and Jenny Craig: Dunzo. [UPI]
• Britney Spears went out on the town with her father over the weekend. Better than Sam Lutfi! [TMZ]
• The lawyer who claims to represent Britney in an effort to try to move her conservatorship case from L.A. court to federal court may not have a snowball's chance in hell. [USA Today]
• Still, he says, "I see the case as a civil rights case. These are issues of confinement. Very serious confinement. Not allowed to contact her friends. Not allowed to use the phone. Not allowed to come and go as you please. Bodyguards controlling you and so forth." [People]
• Heidi Klum says she'll take Britney in. "She can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months. I would help set her straight." [People]
• Madonna's new songs: Uptempo, urban, dancey, clubby; produced by Nate "Danja" Hills (who did Britney's Blackout), Timbaland and Pharrell. [Rolling Stone]
• There's a feud between Evi Quaid, wife of actor Randy, and the Actors Equity Union. Randy is banned from the union; Evi allegedly became apoplectic and kicked a 76-year-old receptionist in the shin. Drama! [Page Six]
• "Two girls I kissed turned out to be gay. I kissed Jodie Foster. She played my girl on 'The Partridge Family,' and look what happened" — Danny Bonaduce [Page Six]
• George (Tailor Made) Weisgerber from I Love New York was slapped with a disorderly conduct summons for flipping the finger to a cop in NYC. Hey, whatever it takes to stay relevant. [Gatecrasher]
• Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek, Sharon Stone and Gwen Stefani: Into Mexican Train Dominoes. Yeah, who knows. [Gatecrasher]
• Us Weekly says the writer who identified herself as a reporter for the magazine and pissed off Scarlett Johansson outside of the Today show was not assigned by them and not representing the mag. Whoops! [Gatecrasher]
• Bill O'Reilly forces some underling to wipe the sweat off the exercise equipment when he's done. The "poor kid" just follows him around the gym. No spin zone, indeed. [Rush & Molloy]

• Lindsay's loving LC's sloppy seconds! She hit New York City hotspots with Brody Jenner this weekend. Is there a Hollywood hottie that guy hasn't gone out with? [People]
  
• A private memorial was held in Los Angeles Saturday for Heath Ledger; his ex, Naomi Watts, attended along with family and close friends. [E!]
  
• Reports are coming in that Heath may have died of natural causes, as odd as that sounds. [TMZ]
  
• The big winners at the SAG awards last night were The Sopranos, No Country For Old Men. [Reuters]
  
• Daniel Day-Lewis won a SAG award for There Will Be Blood and dedicated it to Heath Ledger, saying, "I admired him very much." [People]

• Is being knocked up making her more romantic? Angelina Jolie couldn't keep her hands off of Brad Pitt at the SAG awards last night. [People]
• As she was getting ready for the SAG awards, Kate Beckinsale's cat bumped into a candle and caught on fire! He's fine but her house smells like burned fur, blergh. [People]
• Scarlett Johansson has announced: "I am engaged... to Barack Obama." It was a reaction to being asked if she was getting hitched to boyfriend Ryan Reynolds but whatevs. [People]
• Britney's "friend" Sam Lutfi has had three restraining orders taken against him. When his friendship with a man named Danny Haines went pear-shaped, Lutfi told Haines he should "just kill himself." [Page Six]
• Britney's "boyfriend" Adnan Ghalib saves the voicemails Brit leaves him, so that he can listen to them whenever he wants... And play them for Entertainment Tonight. [Perez Hilton]
• Oh, and Adnan's also got some videos of Britney he'd love to show you, if you have $2 million. [Perez Hilton]
• By the way, Adnan reportedly says Britney is like Princess Diana, because she is chased by photographers and "dating an Arab." [Mirror]
• Not sure which is sleazier: That some troll hid outside of Britney's dance studio and taped her rehearsal through a slit in the wall until she had a "topless" moment or that I just watched it. [Hollywood.tv]
• Blind item! "Which beautiful movie star/model of a certain age is dating a married man? She conveniently showed up to the Self magazine/Origins "Green" party at the Sundance Film Festival just moments before her rock star guitar-playing boyfriend did." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which legendary older funnyman has never worn the same pair of socks twice since becoming a millionaire at age 18?"[Gatecrasher]
• Nicole Richie must have found a good babysitter: She hit the town in a rare post-baby appearance. [TMZ]
• Dean Winters, star of Oz and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, claims he has an impostor; he's blaming any filthy MySpace messages on the unknown party. Sure, sure. [Page Six]
• Uh-oh, Miley Cyrus got sick during a concert in New Orleans! Hopefully it's just a flu and not spermination. [People]
• Good news: Sources say Amy Winehouse is making progress in rehab. [The Sun]
• Congrats to The Wonder Years' Fred Savage and his wife: They're expecting a second child. [People]
• Also expecting: Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks. [People]
• Christian Brando, son of legendary actor Marlon, died Saturday of complications from pneumonia. Christian made headlines in 1990 when he shot his sister's boyfriend after she told her brother the man had been beating her. [Reuters]
• Hulk Hogan's divorce from wife Linda is getting nasty: Linda has asked a judge to freeze the Hulk's assets; accusing him of trying to trick her into signing a post-nuptial agreement. [Perez Hilton]
• Have Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher ditched the red string bracelets? Sources say it's been "months" since the two have attended a Kabballah meeting. Hey, trends come and go. [MSNBC]
• Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has broken up with his girlfriend, whom he met while doing Equus. Maybe the magic was gone? [Daily Mail]

• Lindsay Lohan's DUI sentence includes working at a morgue for two 4-hour days. The court designs the program to show the deadly consequences of drunk driving. Think LL can handle a cadaver or two? [ET]
  
• As mentioned last night, Lily Allen has suffered a miscarriage. [The Sun]
  
• Your girl Britney Spears had the Kitson store opened for her at 1:30 AM and dropped $10,000 on like, hoodies. [TMZ]
  
• Hmm, sources are reporting that Britney has multiple personality disorder: When she speaks in a British accent she's "the British Girl" and when she loses the accent, she can't remember anything she did or what happened. Of course, we don't know who these "sources" are, so, you know, grain of salt and all that. [TMZ]

• Oh, and Dr. Phil regrets ever making a statement about Britney after seeing her in the hospital; he says it wasn't helpful. No shit! [People]
• Britney's agreed to host a party at the Scandanavian Style Mansion in Beverly Hills in February; that should be, um, fun. [People]
• Those pictures of Britney with her kids that appeared in OK!? Britney was the one who sold them to the magazine. [ONTD]
• Chris Martin attacked a photographer outside of the hospital where his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, was being released as a patient. Does anyone else suspect the paparazzi plague is getting out of hand? [Page Six]
• Speaking of paparazzi, Demi Moore says, "No one has seen it worse than Britney Spears." Agreed. [Page Six]
• The scene: A movie premiere. The offense: As girlfriend Heidi Montag posed for pictures, The Hills' Spencer Pratt snuck off and asked some girl for her number. These people need to go away. [Page Six]
• Penelope Cruz' camera was lost or stolen after her holiday vacation... Wanna bet there were sexy pictures of Javier Bardem inside? [Rush & Molloy]
• Amy Winehouse's next CD could be tinged with reggae: The singer plans to work with Bob Marley's son Damian in Jamaica, where surely she won't be around any mind-altering substances. [Mirror]
• Brad and Angelina are looking for a script so that they can star in a film together. Make it something sexy, please! [Mirror]
• Halle Berry, 41, admits that she is "worried about giving birth." She says, "I've been pretty cool about my pregnancy up until lately, but suddenly I'm realizing that there's a baby that's got to come out and someone is going to have to be there to push it out." Uh, yeah. [MSNBC]

• Kim Kardashian is engaged to NFL star Reggie Bush! We're starting to suspect she likes black guys. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Britney Spears spent New Year's Eve at a beach house in California with her sons, her court-appointed monitor and her new boyfriend, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib — who was invited to Brit's hotel room last week and told other photogs it was "the best night of his life." Good luck, kids! [Page Six]
  
• A performer at a New York cabaret club spilled drinks on Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore; the owner says "Fuck Ashton and Demi... They spend nothing... I can't stand those two, and I applaud whoever spilt a drink on them." Damn, 2008 is gonna be great. [Page Six]
  
• Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia: It's on! Especially now that she has turned 18. (He's 30.) [TMZ]
  
• Robin Thicke and wife Paula Patton: Expecting. Here's hoping that blind item about a singer "living out his sex fetish dreams" is not Thicke. [ONTD]

• Dave Chappelle got into an argument with his wife in a New York City restaurant — in front of his two sons. The wife was in tears, the lunchtime crowd was "shocked." [Page Six]
• Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein (now 34) tried to kill himself when he