The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Nasty, mean, misanthropic, supposedly funny comments that condemn a thin woman for being fat.
The Evidence:

"These pictures of Eva Longoria on vacation in Portofino took the gossip world by storm today, and 'by storm' I mean 'she looks fat.' Not that there’s anything wrong with being fat, necessarily. Just like there’s not anything wrong about having a lazy eye or psoriasis that thing where your head grows three time its normal size and shit oozes out of your ears. People like that can still live happy, fulfilling lives. They just need to live them somewhere far away underground in a sewer drain, where their fat ugly skin diseases and uncontrollable gas and ear secretions can’t infect the rest of us beautiful people. It’s what Darwin would have wanted."

It's not funny; Eva Longoria is not fat. Humanity is doomed.
The Sentence: One-way ticket to Malawi, where a crop failure, flood and droughts have three million people on the verge of a severe hunger emergency. You probably won't want to ever make fat jokes again.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Lookism; possible Holocaust joke.
The Evidence:

"I don’t mind that a gay person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan, I mind that an ugly person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan. I don’t like it when ugly people flaunt their sexuality right in front of me. It’s unsettling. They should really have some kind of camp where ugly people go to concentrate on how to get sexier. A 'concentration camp,' if you will."

I think we can all agree that not a single word or thought behind this is funny. Is this site supposed to be humor? Or gossip? Or just mean-spiritedness? What is its point? I am having an existential crisis.
The Sentence: Learn the value of having eyes at all: 90 days working for the World Health Organization's Alliance for the Global Elimination of Blinding Trachoma, which performs surgery in countries where conditions and infections cause people to go blind.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
First Count: Weight-mocking.
The Evidence:

"Not Pregnant, Just Fat—For Real!
Rumors keep swirling that Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is sperminated.
The tiny Latina has put on a few extra pounds recently.
Will they say it's for a potential movie role?
Close enough.
According to
her rep, Eva has gained weight for her show.
Says the publicist, 'For the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives Gabrielle [Eva's character] has "gained" weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.'
We guess she likes the role so much that she's decided to wear the butt and stomach pads everywhere she goes!"

I don't get it. Are pigs flying? Is hell cold? Because those things would have to be true if Eva Longoria is fat.
Second Count: Calling a 15-year-old slut.
The Evidence:

"Y'all Wanna See My Panties?? That Miley sure loves lifting up her shirts and skirts. Slut!"

A young woman who poses with her hem hiked up is not necessarily a slut. A young woman who poses naked is not necessarily a slut. How you can call someone you don't know a slut — based on a photo in which 96% of her body is covered — and get paid to "write" on the internet is baffling.
Third Count: Calling the same 15-year-old a "teen slut" and a "Disney whore," based on some possibly fake photos.
The Evidence:

"Miley Almost Naked! When will she ever learn???? Wow. Wow. Wow. These photos look very very real. But, we're working under the assumption that they're fake… Isn't it too young to be posing for photos like that????"

Isn't it a shame that Miley's cell phone might have been hacked? Isn't it a awful that these "almost naked" pictures are actually pretty tame, but that saying so wouldn't garner as many pageviews? Isn't terrible that someone makes money off of speculation about a teenage girl's private life?
The Sentence: Suggestions welcome.



Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

1. Land O Lakes Indian Maiden
The company explains: "Because the regions of Minnesota and Wisconsin were the legendary land of Hiawatha and Minnehaha, the idea of an Indian maiden took form." This is a whitewashed way of describing how they hijacked the image of indigenous people to sell dairy products, but whatever. The first painting was done in 1928; it was "modernized" in 1939 to look the way it does now. As a kid, I honestly thought that this was my mom until I realized it was Cher.

Hollywood Casting: Q'orianka Kilcher

2. Mrs. Butterworth
This woman was not always made of plastic. She used to be real glass. She had a bun and she was heavy and sweet and you respected her, because she didn't need (the noticeably absent) Mr. Butterworth to get the job done.

Hollywood Casting: Queen Latifah

3. SunMaid
The young woman on the raisin box has evolved since 1916. She's lost about 20 lbs., but she still has the red bonnet and the basket of grapes. And she still smiles.

Hollywood Casting: Minnie Driver

4. Aunt Jemima

Advertising gimmicks are not always politically correct. The pancake icon was based on a blackface "mammy" character; but R.T. Davis Milling Company hired a woman named Nancy Green to play Aunt Jemima from 1890 to 1923. She was paid, but the ads were disgustingly racist. (Try finding a syrup that is not oppressive! Even Log Cabin gives me pause.) In 1989, Aunt Jemima lost her kerchief, got a relaxer, some pearl earrings and a slimmer look. She kind of resembles Roxie Roker now. But who is woman enough to take on the challenge of playing a controversial character?

5. Utz Girl


The rosy-cheeked chick has been around since 1921, though she's had some anti-aging procedure and now seems much younger now. Her huge eyes and happy smile let you know her potato chips are damn good.

Hollywood Casting: Christina Ricci

6. Little Miss Sunbeam
This blond-haired blue-eyed little girl was on the table before wheat and oats crept into our sandwich bread. Little Miss Sunbeam was born in the 1940s, and she seems part Shirley Temple, part Doris Day and part Buffy and Jody from Family Affair. Or Cindy Brady. An "American Girl" full of "sunshine"…

Hollywood Casting: Abigail Breslin

7. Morton Salt Girl
When it rains it pours, whatever that means. The first umbrella girl appeared in 1914, looking like a toddler; she's grown up some since then. The angled haircut and the umbrella make for an inspired celebrity choice…

Hollywood Casting: Rihanna

8. Coppertone Girl

Introduced in 1959, the impish child whose blue swimsuit bottoms get pulled down by a cocker spaniel was played by a three-year-old Jodie Foster in 1965. Did you know that they changed the logo later because some thought her bare buttocks encouraged pedophilia? Now that the company makes sunscreen instead of tanning oils, the "paleface" message is no longer appropriate and she's been phased out.

Hollywood Casting: Dakota Fanning

9. Tropic-AnaThe Polynesian pretty who used to be topless has since been replaced with an orange and straw. It would be fun if they brought back a female icon who loves exhibitionism, wouldn't it?

Hollywood Casting: Bai Ling

10. Chiquita Banana
Born in 1944, Miss Chiquita was sometimes a lady, sometimes an actual fruit, as seen in this Disney commercial. Her jingle is awesome, even if she was pretty much just a Carmen Miranda rip off.

Hollywood Casting: Salma Hayek?

Don't like these choices? Have some of your own? Suggestions welcome.

[Celebrity images via Getty. Tropic-Ana photo by Michael Poulin via Flickr.]

Disney's original storyboard is believed to have been torn up after criticism that the lead character was a clichéd subservient role with echoes of slavery, and whose name sounded too much like "Mammy" – a unwelcome reminder of America's Deep South before the civil rights movement swept away segregation.

It's not bad enough that Disney's princesses are often unemployed runaways desperate for a man: The first black heroine works for a white woman?

Well, the new revised film is called The Princess And The Frog and the character is named Tiana. She's 19 and she lives in New Orleans during the Jazz Age. A spokesperson from Disney swears: "All other characters and aspects of the story will be treated with the greatest respect and sensitivity." (But, notes Akbar, will it be as sensitive from this song lyric from 1993's Aladdin? "I come from a land, from a faraway place, where the caravan camels roam, where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face; it's barbaric, but hey, it's home.")

Disney is a billion-dollar business which makes a huge impact, globally, and especially with little girls. Therefore they have a huge responsibility: To make a black princess impressionable kids can look up to. Obviously the best characters are ones who start with nothing and overcome adversity — hence all the orphans (Bambi, Aladdin, Cinderella) and motherless children (The Little Mermaid, Nemo, Aurora from Sleeping Beauty). But how is it that Nickelodeon can figure out how to create an engaging minority-oriented TV show (Dora The Explorer) and Disney — a company founded in 1923, with a history of questionable characters (the crows in Dumbo; Uncle Remus in Song Of the South) — can't draft a politically-correct film about black people? (While we're at it, watch this video called "Racism In Disney.") Anyway, Tiana's story is sure to get what Disney does best: A happy ending.

Disney's 'Subservient' Black Princess Animates Film Critics [Independent]
Related: Disney First: Black Princess In Animated Film [MSNBC]
Racism In Disney [YouTube]
Earlier: What's The Allure Of Everything Disney?
Who's To Blame When Your Fairy Tale Doesn't Come True?

Life & Style
"Is Lindsay Gay?" Are Lindsay and Sam "finally" coming out, asks the magazine? Intern Margaret laments all the old info in this story and calls it a "waste of time." But! According to a pal, LL and Sam got matching tattoos. What do you think they got inked? Moving on: Britney is so desperate for a real friend, she had to go sunbathing with her dad. Next: Vanessa Hudgens, 19, was "throwing back drinks" while vacationing with Zac Efron, but the drinking age on the Caribbean island is 18, so who cares? (Intern Margaret says, "The info in this issue was so lame and so old, I actually checked the date on the front cover to make sure I had the right one.") Mary-Kate made a T-shirt with Heidi and Spencer's faces on it and the text: "Heidi's Ho." Apparently Lauren Conrad wants one. Lastly: The story called "Ashlee's Junk Food Pregnancy Diet" really belongs in a Hall Of Shame. The Simpson family went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered a bunch of appetizers. "Everyone else was nibbling, but Ashlee ate more than her share," says a source. And she had her own entrée. THE HORROR! The magazine says: "The plate of two deep-fried Tijuana eggrolls could have as many as 2,015 calories — about what Ashlee should be eating in an entire day!" Continues the story: "Ashlee's problem is that she believes she's eating for two," says an insider. Maybe because she is gestating a human in her womb?
Grade: F (freezer-burned frozen pizza)

In Touch
"The Twins Are Here!" After an "amazing nine months," Angelina has given birth. A hospital insider says: "The babies are not big criers. Angelina is in great condition, but a bit fatigued." Moving on: Jen Aniston was "betrayed" by John Mayer. While in Amsterdam, John met a woman he thought was Dutch and said "I am John, I am a singer." She turned out to be a writer, Chaton Anderson, from California. She knew he was dating Jen but asked him what his relationship status was. He said "It's vague." She asked him to clarify and he said, "You know, it's very vague." Also inside: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens had a "sexy vacation" in Turks & Caicos and there are four pages of pictures to prove it. On a photo of Jessica Simpson, the mag uses the phrase "Da Bomb", rendering it officially uncool (Fig 1). Is Lindsay getting skinny for Sam? She want to be as slim as her girlfriend, who weighs 104 lbs. Oh, and they share clothes. Was A-Rod tricked by Madonna? Her "friend" says: "Madonna is a huge flirt and she knows how to make someone feel like they're the center of her universe. She knew that she meant a lot to [A-Rod], but never discouraged him." Next: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr might be broken up, because Miranda was seen making out with oily oil heir Brandon Davis. Suri Cruise has a French tutor! She knows more words in English, but she's doing really well in French. She's two.
Grade: D- (milk one week past its expiration date)

OK!
"Dream Baby." Jessica Alba sold herself — and her family — to the mag. Little Honor Marie's first photo shoot! Apparently the birth was very calm. Jessica says, "I didn't scream… It was really zen… The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused." Husband Cash Warren says: "I want [Honor] to look like me because a daughter looking like Jessica, I'd kill myself!" Also: The name Honor is stolen from one of Jessica's friends who liked it but was done having kids. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson hold hands in public now and Sam has updated her Facebook status to "in a relationship." Love! The ladies who look "Better After Breakup" are: Carrie Underwood, Pink and Liv Tyler. The "10 Ways To Spot A Cheater" story has Christie Brinkley in the lead photo, ouch. An insider thinks Jennifer Aniston will marry John Mayer before her 40th in February. The "How Melissa Joan Hart Shed The Baby Weight" article has two important details: She has a trainer and a nutritionist.
Grade: D (moldy bread)

Us
"Reese & Jake's Family Vacation." The story opens with a super cute picture of Jake, Reese and Ava holding hands, awww (Fig. 2). The group went to London and Paris and it was a "trial run" for Jake to see if he could handle the kids. It's a 6-page story with tons of pictures but it was pretty run-of-the-mill: They went into through The Chunnel, watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate pizza. Moving on: There's no new news in the Angelina twins story but in the sidebar, a "pal" says of Jennifer Aniston: "She hopes the twins are beautiful. She'd never want anyone to be unhappy with their kids." Next: Katherine Heigl will "die" on Grey's Anatomy! Izzie may get a brain tumor because the writers are still mad at her. "Hunky" Jeffrey Dean Morgan may come back in visions brought on by the tumor. So you know those pictures of Heidi and Spencer holding guns? They're learning to shoot and handle firearms in honor of Heidi's stepbrother who died in Iraq. Spencer says, "Heidi wants to perform for the troops in Iraq. And if anything goes down while we're there and they toss us a gun, we want to know what we're doing." T.R. Knight, 35, has moved in with his boyfriend Mark Cornelsen, 19. Natalie Portman has moved from New York to L.A. and is spending loads of time with bf Devendra Banhart. "A visibly shaken" Verne Troyer sat down with the magazine to talk about his sex tape kerfluffle. It was the idea of Ranae, the ex-girlfriend, to make a video, says Verne: "She kept the tape in her camera on top of the closet where I couldn't even reach it!"
Grade: D+ (wet, damaged, wilted lettuce)

Star
"Shiloh Meets The Twins!" Okay, so Angelina gave birth and Shiloh left her dolls at home to go visit the twins. She brought toy bottles as presents for the babies, aww. When they told Shiloh the names of the kids, she said "Vivi and Nosh?" because she can't pronounce Vivienne and Knox. So those are the twins' new nicknames. The night before the babies were born, Brad Pitt and Angie's bro James Haven slept in Angie's room. The whole birthing process was filmed. Baby Knox was in the "dangerous" feet-first position. But everything turned out alright. Brad took his shirt off and held Knox against his skin — and Angelina did the same with Vivienne — according to the mag, "so the infants both had the feeling of their parents' flesh as their first sensation." Moving on: "More To Love" is a story about how Jessica Simpson has gained 30 lbs. Apparently when she's happy, she's heavier, and when she's sad, she's skinny. There's a chart of her ups and downs but she kind of looks the same in every picture. She's been telling friends she wants a baby because it would be cute if she and sister Ashlee had kids that were close in age. The idea of that freaks Tony out. Next: The new 90210 maybe have a "cat fight" brewing, since the ladies on the show feuded years ago and are coming back. Jennie Garth is nervous about working with Shannen Doherty and eagerly awaiting Tori Spelling's arrival on set. Also inside: Michael Bublé just broke up with Emily Blunt and has already been spotted with a blonde… and the next night, a brunette. For some reason the magazine prints the receipt from when Colin Farrell and his girlfriend bought a pregnancy test at Rite Aid. Is 22-year-old Amanda Bynes dating 34-year-old Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy fame? Reese and Jake will use their dog, Atticus, as the ring bearer at their as-yet-unplanned wedding. Yes, this is the dog that Jake and Kiki Dunst adopted together. But Atticus now lives with Reese full time. Blind item! "Which rock star's teenage daughter is heading down the same path as her parents? A source says she is drinking and drugging with other rich kids in Malibu." Madonna and Guy Ritchie's children are "caught in the middle" of their tumultuous lives. Seven year old Rocco made a "desperate" trans-Atlantic phone call to his dad, saying he missed him and begging him not to leave. Days later, Guy arrived in New York. The day after the pictures of Lindsay and Sam holding hands were taken, Sam flew to Vancouver for a gig. LL sent her a Facebook message that said,"Baby baby, baby, I miss you already. I hate that you had to leave me this morning. I love you." Lastly: It's a gir;! Star can "exclusively" reveal that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is having a daughter. The due date: October 31, Halloween. Pete Wentz, who has been sewing since high school, is making onesies and diapers for the kid already.
Grade: C (congealed spaghetti with sauce)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Busting on a woman's looks.
The Evidence:

"A very VERY Photoshopped Jessica Biel does the cover of the new Harper's Bazaar. She's definitely way too airbrushed! They did manage to make her look more feminine, though, and less like a dog. That's a good thing, we think. Although, we love a good dog!"

The Sentence: 90 days community service in an animal shelter; a 45 hour course in Lookism taught by Jezebel commenters.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Poking fun at a woman's weight.
The Evidence:

"Um, okay Liv Tyler, we get it. You’re fat. Enough already. You don’t have to be eating 24 hours a day. You can lay out for an hour without food. I saw a set of pictures one time where she stopped at some deli and then ate the sandwich on the street on the way to some little sidewalk café. In other words, she stopped to get food on the way to get food. i don't have a dictionary in front of me, but I'm willing to bet that if you looked up "fatass", it would go a lot like that."

The Sentence: 60 days volunteering in a local eating disorder wing clinic.

The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Insinuating that a normal-sized actress looks disgusting.
The Evidence:

"Here are some new Jennifer Love Hewitt candids from yesterday. Oh dear. That’s all I’m going to say."

Even worse? Some of the comments: "I wouldn’t be happy if my legs looked like that," Harley writes. Katya adds: "She needs to loose 15+ pounds, you can see in her face she’s not meant to weigh this much."
The Sentence: 6 months of intense therapy with a concentration on body dysmorphia issues.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Objectificaton of women/female body parts.
The Evidence: Its great to see Ashley Tisdale, Mya and Cheryl Burke, but its better to see them go!. First of all, learn the difference between it;s and its. Second of all, don't you HATE that TMZ is now owned by megarich AOL?
The Sentence:

The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Mocking a woman's height.
The Evidence:

"Brooke Hogan is busy promoting her new VH1 reality show and upcoming album with a bunch of photos of her being “sexy.” Kinda of like if you found a Yeti with big fake tits stomping around in the mountains and you put it in a bikini and told it to stick its finger in its mouth provocatively and “make love to the camera,” only by “make love to the camera” you really meant “not paw at it or throw it on the ground and stomp on it with your big dumb Yeti feet.” Sprinkling glitter on a turd doesn’t make it not a turd, people. It’s another reason not to flush."

The Sentence: Spending 12 hours in a room full of tall women who have been called yetis.

Drunken Stepfather Rant Of The Day:

Alicia Keys and her Thick Legs of The Day
"My wife told me i am getting fat and that when I walk, my tits bounced. I asked her if she’s looked in the mirror over the last 5 years, because she’s so fucking fat, she’s got tits growing on the back of her fuckin’ knees. She then told me that she was at a friend’s house watching Oprah and they said that for every 30 pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your cock. That way when I fuck her, maybe I’ll be able to make it past her labia and she’ll feel something. I told he that her fat herpes ridden pussy is the last thing I want to make it into and that I am going to go out and try to gain another 60 pounds so that I don’t even have a penis anymore because that’s what she fucking does to me, she started to cry, but not as loud as Alicia Keys’ piano stool, she looks heavy and I assume shit is reinforced, otherwise it’d be trying to kill itself by breaking in half. Here are some pics of her thick legs performing recently because you’ll take what you can get."

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Calling a woman a whore.
The Evidence:

Lindsay Lohan Flashed Her Crotch Again
"Some fellow perv emailed these to us. These are supposedly Lindsay Lohan leaving a yacht party in Cannes two months ago. I have no reason to believe these aren't Lindsay, or her freckles, or her labia, because she's a global whore, and her random body part flashing knows no bounds."

The Sentence: Any suggestions?

Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)

OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)

Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)

Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)

In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Blaming the victim.
The Evidence: Regarding the Christie Brinkley divorce, Peter Cook's affair and $3,000/month budget on internet porn, PH writes,

"Maybe Christie wasn't satisfying him??? Seems like that was DEFINITELY the case!"

Or! The dude is a cheating sex-addicted dirtbag! That could DEFINITELY be the case!
Additional crime: Reducing a woman to her orifices.
The Evidence: On a post about Sienna Miller dating two new men:

"Hey, she's got three holes - that's enough to keep three men happy easily."

Yeah, not funny.
The Sentence: 500-page essay on the objectification and dehumanization of women in our culture, with a 100-page well-researched addendum on the psychological state of children whose mothers have been cheated on by husbands who hooked up with teens not much older than the children themselves.

The Accused: Webster's Is My Bitch
The Crime: Bodysnarking an infant.
The Evidence: On a photo of Nicole and tiny, helpless Harlow Madden:

"Yikes. That's uh, some baby ya got there, Nicole. At any rate, if 'getting fat' isn't enough to dissuade Paris Hilton from procreating with Benji Madden, hopefully this oughta do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the Madden brothers are perfectly nice and everything, but I don't know that "pasty, big head" are necessarily qualities I'd look for when choosing a sperm donor. Put a pair of ray bans and a fedora on that thing and I'd think that there was three of 'em."

The Sentence: A public apology and 60 hours community service in the neo-natal unit of your local hospital.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling an average-sized woman "fat."
The Evidence: This description of Rachel Hunter:

"She looks like the East German hammer throwing team’s secret weapon, not a former swimsuit model turned reality star. It still doesn’t explain why her face got fatter, though. Maybe the folks at NBC made her maintain a strict circus diet of peanuts and cotton candy for her role as Bertha, the Lesbian Lumberjack Circus Clown. Rod Stewart sure dodged a bullet on this one!"

The ensemble is unfortunate, but she is on a circus show. And! Know what? She is 38 and makes way more money that you do. She doesn't have to put people down on the internet to feel better about herself. Shut yer trap.
The Sentence: A strict diet of peanuts and cotton candy for 90 days, followed by a bikini shoot to be plastered worldwide.

We interrupt this post to bring you…
The Drunken Stepfather Rant Of The Day:

"So, I went out to KFC to get my wife a bucket of chicken, and this black chick in the shortest fucking skirt and low cut shirt walks in like she’s Naomi Campbell and should be walking the runways in Paris and not the line-up at a fried chick place. Her body was lean, her legs were long and her tits were huge and she made me mad that I never bagged a black girl because I was always too scared they’d rob me. About a minute later, her pimp or boyfriend or dude she’s fuckin’ walks in and motherfucker was definitely packin’ heat, so I just minded my own business as they went at each other and her fondled her ass and stuck his tongue down her throat and she grabbed at his dick one minute, like they were at a swingers party but were really just at a fried chicken place, something equally sexy to some people. I just looked the other way because I wasn’t going to get shot and ignored them as they fought over their order and dude turned around and slapped her across the face for stepping out of line because he only had enough money for 1 drink and she called him a broke ass nigger in front of the whole restaurant, the next minute. It was a beautiful experience, one of total dysfunction and ghettoness, one far more beautiful than Naomi Campbell in a bikini kissing some rich white dude."

…You may now return to your regularly scheduled ennui.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Nasty nitpicking of a woman's body.
The Evidence: A "upskirt" photograph of Britney Spears, which is, in and of itself, a gross invasion of privacy, though, unfortunately, legal, is accompanied with this text: "If you have a short gag reflex, you might not want to look at these pictures of Britney Spears at Sur in West Hollywood the other night. Mostly because it looks like Britney's ass is growing a beard. I don't know the level of self-esteem it would take to wear this dress with hair growing out of your ass, but needless to say, Britney Spears could teach the class. If Britney's ass was bent over in front of me, I would be pretty sure that I was gay."
The Sentence: Any suggestions?

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

OK!
"Baby Time For Jen." The cover says: "He's in love, she's ready to commit, it's now or never!" Because the mags love to paint Jen as a desperado over the hill spinster with rugratlust. Intern Margaret says, "There's nothing new in this story. They just refer to a 2005 Vanity Fair article. They're not even stealing from recent interviews." Moving on: "Hollywood's Best-Dressed Little Girls" is full of details like: Suri's got a million-dollar wardrobe, Matilda Ledger is a Brooklyn hipster, Ava Phillppe is a "little lady" and not a sex pot. She is eight. Next: Madonna and A-Rod are "sexy new friends." Same old stuff: they have the same manager, they work out at the same place, he invited the kids to watch a Yankee game. Also inside: Dina Lohan is "shocked" that Lindsay might have a secret half-sister. The other woman, Kristi Kaufmann, says "Many times, I offered to do this privately, so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt." Apparently Michael has known about the kid since she was 2! Lastly: "15 Tips For Getting And Keeping A Guy" is a sexist story that beings, "Poor Carrie Underwood is perpetually single. Now OK! is taking her through Dating Boot Camp to whip her love life back into shape." Tips include: "Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body… If you want a perfect set, wear the perfect bra. He won't know the difference… No guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy." Also: "Men love a good booty… With a low-carb diet, this will create the traffic-stopping booty all men pay attention to! In the meantime… Spanx Power Panties can give a girl a good shape until she reaches her body-beautiful level of fitness." Oh, and Tip #8: "Don't panic if he doesn't call… You are not yet his priority, so be patient… To him, a call equals a commitment… And don't call him: girls don't call boys."
Grade: F (soggy unsalted popcorn kernels)

Us
"It's Over!" Have you heard? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the rocks. Apparently they've been in counseling with a rabbi from the Kabbalah center, but "They just can't stand being together." Meanwhile, Madge was sitting in Alex Rodriguez's VIP seats at the Yankee game. Peeps say Madonna won't announce the divorce until her Sticky and Sweet tour is over, on November 30. She fell in love with Guy because he was the only man to ever stand up to her, sources say; "She was so whipped in the beginning she was making him tea and washing his clothes." But! He keeps her on a short leash. She has to drop everything to meet him for dinner every night and she can't be late or, as she says, "He'll kill me." Moving on: The Anne Hathaway story is called "In Love With A Loser" and has all the dirty details about Raffaello Follieri, which we have covered pretty extensively. Next: Hollywood's bikini diets! Jennifer Aniston eats salads, Rihanna ditches carbs, Gwyneth works out, etc. Also inside: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still on! Keanu Reeves seems to be dating China Chow — there are pics of them frolicking on the beach. Naomi Watts is four months pregnant. A Rolling Stone writer went to Amy Winehouse's home to interview her an accidentally saw a picture of her on the phone while "performing a sex act" on hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Amy just laughed and made a joke about multi-tasking.
Grade: D (broken Necco Wafers)

Life & Style
"Hogan Exclusive: An American Family Torn Apart." Last week, Brooke told one of the mags that she doesn't speak to her mother. This week, Brooke says: "I don't talk to her every day like I used to, but we talk." Yawn. Did the show really have 90 million viewers>? Really? Moving on: Does Britney have a "secret plan" to get Kevin back? The mag claims that Kev and Brit want to move to New York together because Brit was in serious talks to be the new Sandy in Grease on Broadway. She really wanted to do it, but her dad said no. Kevin was in talks to be the new UPS guy in Legally Blonde, so yeah. Next: Are Paris and Nicole still friends? In a word, yes. Also inside: Lindsay was flirting with some guy in front of Samantha Ronson and Sam got jealous. She wouldn't even shake the dude's hand when LL introduced them. In "Stars' Slim Down Beauty Secrets," we learn that Lauren Conrad "looks buff side-set pony" and "peachy gloss plays up" Eva Longoria's "bone structure." So much bullshit, so little time.
Grade: C- (melted Milk Duds)

In Touch
"Who's Really Pregnant?" This story is really vague, but if you read closely, you'll discover that Gwyneth Paltrow, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Beyoncé are not pregnant. Moving on: In an interesting twist, there's a story about a malecelebrity being too thin! Marc Anthony is "scary skinny" and "has a love-hate relationship with food." He's 5 foot 7 and 110 lbs. "You have to understand what it's like to be Puerto Rican and thin," says Mark. "It's painful." We've helpfully scanned a photo for you (Fig. 1). Also inside: Cute new picture of Harlow Madden (Fig.2)! Kate Moss's daughter has an I ♥ Kate Moss T-shirt. "Heartbroken" Anne Hathaway has lost 25 lbs. (Fig. 3). Heather Locklear, who is in rehab for depression and meds, has a "dangerously wild side she's kept hidden from the world." This is illustrated by a bunch of pictures of Heather looking like a drunken mess. Um, we present, without comment, a story called "Mini-Me Cheated On Me." See Fig. 4. Also, have you seen Lindsay Lohan's rumored half-sister from a lady Michael Lohan hooked up with about 13 years ago? (See Fig. 5) Megan Fox has called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green, but she has a "Brian" tattoo on her hip, so the mag helpfully suggests she could date news anchor Brian Williams, Conan O'Brien or Brian, the dog from Family Guy. Next: In an interview, George Clooney says, "I'm not a playboy. If I'd been with all the women that I was said to have been with, I wouldn't have had the time to shoot one single movie." He also says: "If you have beautiful and strong hair, then you're successful with women. In the case of [my] hair loss, it's all over." And! "I spend at least three or four hours a day in the bathroom. Being sexy day and night is a big responsibility. And I like taking it!" Next, "Hollywood's Best Boobs" is a photo-driven six page oeuvre which focuses on the mammaries. Audrina Patridge, Carmen Electra, Jennifer Aniston are lucky enough to be on this list. Number one? Jessica Simpson. Lastly: The best thing in the mag was a picture of puppies. (Fig 6.)
Grade: C+ (stuck-together Gummi bears)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup." This story is supposed to make you feel better, because "even celebs need help to look fab." But here's what the mag says about stars: Katherine Heigl: "There is no excuse for baring those bumps on her forehead." Eva Longoria: "Without contouring, her face appears puffy and full, and the 33-year-old's eyes are lost without defining liner." Kim Kardashian "loses much of her sizzle without her vampy game face. But she also looks years younger — and remarkably wholesome!" This nit-picking of women goes on for ten pages. Moving on: When Ben Affleck first got together with Jen Garner, he told her he was sober and had stopped playing poker. But! He still plays in private games all over L.A. and bets tens and even hundreds of thousands of dollars on hands. Jen's ultimatum: Give it up or lose your family. Next: Inside Lindsay and Samantha's "Hot Romance!" The "hottest young same-sex couple" are "playing house and loving every minute of it." And yes, they share a bed! A source says, "Sam's the boss, the husband, Lindsay is the passive one, the wife. It works for them." Also, "Lindsay brags that they have great morning sex." They share salads at restaurants because they are determined to stay thin for each other, because they think a lean look makes them hot. They also splurge on naughty sex toys and when they're not together, each of them sprays perfume on a piece clothing for the other to take with her. Sam lent LL her $180 vintage Foreigner sweatshirt and she doused it with Clinique Happy. They also want to get a dog; LL wanted a little pup but Sam suggested they adopt a mutt, so they're visiting shelters to look for a cute canine. "Sam's the only person who has managed to make Lindsay feel loved and protected and respected." a source says. "Everyone else in Lindsay's life has used her." Awww. Sniff. Also inside: Spencer and Heidi want to be the next Sonny and Cher, they're in talks with ABC to develop a variety show. Heather Locklear spent a weekend at home binging on drugs and alcohol before heading into rehab. She was on anti-depressants, pain meds, prescription and non-prescription drugs and sleeping pills while boozing it up. Oh, and coke.
Grade: A, downgraded to B- for cover story (misshapen M&Ms)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Tina Fey (30 Rock), Glenn Close (Damages), America Ferrera (Ugly Betty), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine), Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives), Mariska Hargitay (Law and Order: SVU), Kyra Sedgewick (The Closer), Minnie Driver (The Riches), Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men) and Jeanne Tripplehorn (Big Love): these were the women who were nominated for Emmys, by-in-large playing strong, capable, well-written roles. And what's more, most of these women are, gasp, over 35.

Are there so many more available roles for women of a certain age on TV because producing a television show is that much cheaper? Are aging bodies less obvious on the small screen, and so they're more acceptable? Are Hollywood honchos just stuck believing that women don't see movies, or that men don't want to see movies with anything but eye candy? It's probably a combination of all of the above, and even though those televised, meaty roles are something to be proud of, there is not a single black actress on the short list for Best Actress Emmy (there are two Latinas: Ferrera and Eva Longoria-Parker).

I know I've said this so many times before, but there is something concrete we can do to help: go see movies made by women, or made with women in respectable roles. I'd tell you to go see something specific this weekend, but the only recent release with a plucky female protagonist is Kit Kittredge, and if you're not a Jezemom, I'm guessing that holds limited interest for you. Sigh. We clearly have a long way to go.

Warner Brothers Decides To Embrace The Women [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
Why Won't Warner Embrace The Women? [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
Warner's Robinov Bitchslaps Film Women [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
Sarah Silverman Lands In The Top 10 List Of Emmy semifinalists For Best Comedy Actress! [Gold Derby LAT]
Looks like Mary McDonnell Of 'Battlestar Galactica' And Elisabeth Moss Of 'Mad Men' Are On The Emmy Top 10 List [Gold Derby LAT]

Earlier: Ultimate Chick Flick The Women Is Finally About To See The Silver Screen

get the revenge they deserve.

The Accused:Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling her a "slut," saying women should wear Burkas because they are unattractive.
The Evidence:"This is a product of the Britney Spears diet. Her name is Alli Simms [sic] and during all the break down, K-Fed years they were always seen together. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that she looks like he and Britney had a lot in common, mainly their eating habits because she’s so fuckin’ doughy, you wouldn’t be surprised if you walked in on Britney trying to eat her leg. The good news is that she knows she’s got some pounds to lose and I guess takes the Tyra Banks advice that everyone has a bikini body, just as long as you have a really big piece of fabric to cover your fat ass and stomach up. They call the surrongs [sic], I call them a genius way to cover fat sluts up without them acknowledging that they are fat. Now if only they could find a sexy way to market a Burka so that the ugly bitch you’re fucking covers her busted up mug and thinks she’s just being fashionable. It’ll make things easier for you to get it up."
The Punishment: Wow, the shock of actual commas and periods in this post of his has put me off my balance a little bit. However, a step towards grammar will not fool me, Mr. Martinez. He will be exported to Iran where he will be forced to get a sex change (totes legal over there!) and live out the rest of his life as the burka-wearing wifey of the oldest man we can find in the hottest, most religiously conservative area of the Middle East we can find.

The Accused:What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Implying the divorce rumors about Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are the fault of Garner because of her perceived sexual prowess.
The Evidence: "I would assume Affleck is the one instigating this. He's probably losing interest. He’s got that goblin looking kid and he probably blames her, and although she’s beautiful, Garner doesn’t look like she’d be good in bed. She looks like she handles a penis like she thinks it has a bunch of sharp edges or something."
The Punishment: Have sex with the chick from Teeth. How do you like 'em sharp edges now?

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Implying Brooke Hogan looks like a man (oh yes, haven't heard that one before) and that she is unattractive because of that.
The Evidence: ""I was gonna write something about how Brooke Hogan actually looks kind of hot in these pictures from the July issue of Maxim magazine, but then I realized that can't be Brooke Hogan, because the person in those pictures actually looks like a girl. If it really is Brooke, then Maxim must have paid a lot of money for the airbrushers to work their magic, and it looks like they would have needed quite a few heavy-duty spells."
The Punishment: Castration for not having the balls to think of a new joke and forced to become Brooke's personal suntan lotion-applier for life (because we hear she needs one).

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: More implication that a woman (Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya) looks like a man/ is a tranny. Demanding a woman prove her non-tranny status by posing nude.
The Evidence: "You’re probably wondering who this weird-looking thing is, and her name is Daisy De La Hoya from VH1’s Rock of Love 2. I think she might be related to Oscar but I’m not sure, nor am I sure whether or not I find her to be hot. I’m on the fence with this one because girl’s got some dude-like facial qualities due to all the makeup she has on and definitely requires further investigation. Even the name Daisy is tranny-esque. Anyway, Daisy, if that’s your real name, let’s clear this situation up. Send me nudes."
The Punishment: An hour-long ass-kicking from Oscar.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking a woman's backside for not being unnaturally smooth.
The Evidence: "A-list nobody Phoebe Price may have finally found a way to make herself memorable — taking a picture of her loose, pasty, anatomically incorrect backside! Phoebe, age unknown, took time out of her busy schedule of standing outside the Ivy begging anyone to take her photo — to flash her congealed body, while doing something resembling a cartwheel on the beach this weekend. She's not ready for her closeup."
The Punishment: Being forced to do cartwheels along the beach from sunrise to sunset for a week.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Implying they want to kill Britney Spears for having the audacity to walk around in a bikini in her house. Also: mocking her body.
The Evidence: "Britney Spears walked around outside her house in Beverly Hills yesterday, and from what I can tell, nobody has told her that she should never ever wear a bikini. Ever. Nine years ago, I would have shot my parents in the face to get in that. Now, I just want to shoot that propane tank. If I did, I'm pretty sure the city of Beverly Hills would give me some kind of award. Like the key to the city or a parade. And several corporations around the world would offer me the glamorous position of Senior Vice President of Lookin' Suave. I'm the man!
The Punishment: Forced to parade around Beverly Hills in nothing more than a bikini for an entire month. In January.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

Earlier: Rolling Stone Writer Convinces Us That Amy Winehouse Is Going To Die

Conceptual Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Latarian Milton

It's not just because she has emphysema, though that obviously doesn't help. It's because she sees nothing wrong with her behavior, and is so far from admitting to any addiction that attempts to help her would be futile. Not that anyone is actually trying to help her, mind you. Hoffman writes, "at Winehouse's place, there's no publicist or manager to be seen, no crisis-management squad deployed to save one of the decade's most successful female vocalists from public shame. That's not Winehouse's style — it's just her and a girlfriend. British singer Remi Nicole pores over the paper, annoyed, telling her friend that all this scandal has to stop."

And even the construction of that sentence: no publicist, manager or crisis management squad — what about the people who actually care about her? Are there any of them out there? At this point, even Britney Spears' famewhoring family swooped in and wrested control of Britney's life and finances. Meanwhile, Amy's parents are talking to the Daily Mail instead of their daughter. And still, with her health in serious danger, Amy breezily says things like, "I've never been to rehab, I mean, done it properly…I'm young, and I'm in love, and I get my nuts off sometimes. But it's never been like, 'Amy, get your life together. '"

But even if someone locked Amy up in rehab, she'd have to want to get better. And the following exchange between Amy and Remi Nicole makes me realize she probably never will. "'I want to fall in love like Amy,'" says Nicole. 'I think I've been in love before.' Winehouse lifts her head: 'No, no, if you had, you'd be dead because you weren't together.'" She's so caught up in the utterly idiotic, sophomoric romantic notion of a Romeo and Juliet love affair, that she's destined for the same star-cross'd fate.

"Up All Night With Amy Winehouse" [Rolling Stone]

Earlier: Amy Winehouse Diagnosed With Emphysema

Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)

OK!
"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)

In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)

Us
"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)

Star
"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

You probably feel like a fool. Ohhh, poor you! How do you think fucking Ron Burkle feels about that $55 million?? Ron Burkle, a man whose name is not exactly synonymous with "integrity"! Ron Burkle, a man who spent a few hundred grand trying to sabotage the career of a fucking gossip columnist who pissed him off.

That's why I entreat you to read the indictment, Anne. Sure, some painful memories will come flooding back: the custom-made suits from Milan. The "flowers, cosmetics, clothes, wine, expensive dinners, dog walking services and orthodontist expenses." The $30,000 housecall. The Caribbean vacation in 2006. The two-story apartment in Rockefeller Center that Raffaello rented for visiting members of the clergy. The notable absence in said apartment of any visiting members of the clergy!

A wise woman once said: "A woman especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can." Wait, does that ring a bell?? Yeah, genius it was the tagline for Becoming Jane. The thing is, it doesn't apply to women who have no actual knowledge to conceal. And I'm not trying to get you to pull an Ophelia here but did the Feds even bother trying to question you? Did you ever get deposed? Let me tell you Anne, I would love love looooove to live in a world that allowed me to believe you waited until last week to dump him because you were recording his phone conversations, "backing up" his hard drives, strategically digging through his wastebaskets and mastering his rhetorical tics in preparation for your directorial debut, an epic black comedy on the striking guilelessness of powerful, influential, successful, and thoroughly rotten people when they believe themselves to be possibly in the presence of Christ Himself. At turns subtle and madcap, stark and decadent, it could serve as a scathing cinematic indictment of …well shit, you name it: organized religion, the human condition, Money, Power, the Vatican, vanity, "Love," your idiot self, even your ex-boyfriend.

But I somehow doubt it! Which is why right now, I hate to break it to you, he may be the one going to prison, but he is also kind of "winning."

Rafaello Follieri: The Indictment [WSJ]
Earlier: