• The National Enquirer claims that Mel Gibson sat his kids down and informed them that his Russian girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his child, and they aren't too happy about it.

• "In late April, Mel gathered his children at the family home in Malibu and broke the news that Oksana is pregnant, and he expects them to accept the baby as a new sibling," said a friend but, "They are quite upset. Even though Mel assured them the pregnancy was unplanned, they're furious with him and say they're going to take steps to protect their inheritance, which they feel is in jeopardy." [The National Enquirer]
• Kate Winslet is suing the U.K. newspaper Daily Mail for £150,000 over an article that claimed she lied about how little she needs to work out to stay in shape. She claims they are guilty of libel because she really doesn't go to the gym. [BBC]
• Sam Mendes and Kevin Spacey are working on the Bridge Project, a British/American action company that will perform the works of Shakespeare and Chekhov on tour. [The Telegraph]
• In an upcoming tell-all book, Lance Armstrong writes that he broke up with fiance Sheryl Crow because she wanted kids. "She wanted marriage, she wanted children; and not that I didn't want that, but I didn't want that at that time because I had just gotten out of a marriage, I'd just had kids. Yet we're up against her biological clock - that pressure is what cracked it," he said. "Because if somebody wants a child - man, that's the greatest gift you can give to a woman - so who are you to stand there and say I don't want one. So we were at different points in our lives. We were not compatible on that issue." [The Daily Express]
• Fashion designer Jack McCollough needed surgery after Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted him. "Mr. McCollough suffered a broken nose in three places as a result of the assault," his rep said. "He received medical treatment last night after consulting with physicians." A source said McCollough, "had to have his nose reset. It's painful and it felt horrible." [People]
• Dina Lohan is defending her parenting skills, claiming that Ali Lohan doesn't just party with her sister Lindsay all day. "Ali is in a home-schooling program. She has never been pulled out of school," Dina says. "It's the same home-schooling program that Lindsay was in since the tenth grade. It's a wonderful program that many celebrities are enrolled in." [People]
• Sarah Palin supports Carrie Prejean and called her to offer support, according to Miss California's father, William Prejean. Prejean added that he's not gay, contrary to reports, but "The gay and lesbian community has been supportive of Carrie," he says, "Everyone comes up to Carrie and says, 'We may not agree with you, but we respect you for what you say and these individuals do not.' And they're very emphatic. 'Do not represent the gay and lesbian community.' " [E!]
• The Miss California pageant's state directors Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler rallied a group of beauty queens to film a commercial promoting the diversity of California, but Carrie Prejean said she had a "prior personal commitment otherwise she would have been glad to participate." [Fox News]
• Earlier this week Shanna Moakler posed with two other former pageant titleholders, with duct tape over theirs mouths for a pro-gay marriage PSA promoting equal rights and NO on California's Prop 8. Moakler said of the new Miss California diversity ad, "I think it's really important that people understand that though Carrie Prejean is allowed to have her opinions, they don't necessarily coincide with the Miss California Organization." [Perez Hilton]
• The Mexico City premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine was postponed due to swine flu, but now Hugh Jackman Tweets: "I will bring Wolverine to Mexico City on May 26 to provide a moment of fun escapism and a treat for some of the loyal fans of the comic ... My thoughts and prayers have been with all of those that have suffered directly or indirectly from the swine flu in Mexico." [E!]
• A source claims that Natalie Portman is the reason Sean Penn filed for divorce from Robin Wright Penn, and that they're still seeing each other. "She stimulates him in ways no other person has, mentally or professionally," says a source. "There's a lot more there with Natalie than any of the other girls Sean's been with." [Star]
• Random people who live near Kate Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 think that she may have been cheating too. "I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating," Trisha Berlin, a fellow Pennsylvanian said. Kate has also been linked to her bodyguard, who bloggers call "Mr. Gray." [Star]
• Candy Spelling wrote on the Huffington Post, "I'm not feuding with my daughter [Tori Spelling]. She just doesn't speak to me. And, she's a good marketer." It's not really the best step for a woman who says she wants to finally "mesh" with her daughter. [The Huffington Post]
• David Beckham is denying rumors that he had a dinner date with Hungarian model Mariann Fogarasy. Beckham said: 'Ninety per cent of what is written about us is invented. The last one was this story about the Hungarian model, I have never been out to dinner with this young lady.'I do not flirt with other women - I exist only for Victoria." [The Daily Mail]
• Sacha Baron Cohen bleached his body hair for Bruno and discovered that he is severe allergic to peroxide and required medical treatment. [People]
• Apparently that included bleaching his anal hair. He couldn't sit for days. [TMZ]
• Sienna Miller wrote on The Huffington Post about her trip to the Congo for International Medical Corps. [The Huffington Post]
• Deborah Gibson is trying to get fans to campaign to get her on Dancing With The Stars. She Tweeted: "DWTS won't cast me cuz I did skating show!? I didn't produce it - just on it! Did u guys know that? Start a petition!!!!" [Perez Hilton]
• Whitney Houston is recording a new album. [Perez Hilton]
• John Cleese says alimony payments to his ex-wife Alyce Faye Eichelberger are preventing him from finishing the A Fish Called Wanda musical. II think we've got some very good ideas now but one of the problems is I can't settle down to write it until I've earned enough money to do that because there is no money being paid to me for doing it," he said.
  "Otherwise you lose control of it artistically and I do still have to find £1 million a year in alimony, so I have to earn that before I get started. So I will get down to it when I've done that." [The Daily Mail]
• Did Jaime Hince of The Kills disappear from his tour to spend time with girlfriend Kate Moss? His bandmate was so worried about him she posted an alert on her Facebook page. [The Daily Mail]
• Tori Amos says her new album Abnormally Attracted To Sin is inspired by the financial crisis. She said, "The world has changed completely, it seems, in the past two years. The world that we all knew before, could wake up in feeling safe, ... now it seems that everything has been turned upside down," [Reuters]
• Coldplay drummer Will Champion says of the recent accusations that the band plagiarized Viva La Vida, "It's tough when people accuse you of stealing something when you know that you didn't. So, we accept that it's part of the territory and know it is only for some reason, God only knows why, the successful songs that seem to be the ones that are accused of being stolen. So, you go figure it out." [Rolling Stone]
• Rachel Weisz would like us to know we're mispronouncing her name. "In America everyone says it wrong. It's V-I-C-E. I learned to be polite. I have been here for eight years, but now I am going to start correcting people." [N.Y. Magazine]
• The main lodge at the Soldier Mountain Ski Resort, which is owned by Bruce Willis, will be rebuilt after a March 30 fire. [Yahoo]
• Amy Winehouse is scheduled to perform today at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival, her first appearance in about eight months. [People]
• Gretchen Wilson says she wants to make up with her mother. "As far as I know things are going a lot better with her life than they were previously," said Wilson. "And so I'm thinking that this Mother's Day, we might reconnect." [AP]
• Kendra Wilkinson says her fiancé Hank Baskett will cry at their wedding. "I'm a crier," Wilkinson said. "I laugh. Whenever I feel like crying I'll laugh to overpower it. So I'll be laughing on the way down [the aisle] because I'll see Hank crying," she continued. "I know he'll cry. When I get to him, that's when I'll cry." [E!]
• Christina Applegate is the 2009 Ambassador for Lee National Denim Day to support the fight against breast cancer. [People]
• Jimmy Fallon left the College of St. Rose in Albany in 1995 one semester short of graduation. At commencement this weekend he will receive his diploma and speak at the college. [Yahoo]
• Sex and the City co-star Mario Cantone says of Sarah Jessica Parker's soon-to-be born twin girls, "I'm thrilled for her! She has definitely wanted to have a girl ... She's going to have so much fun bringing the two girls up and teaching them to be young ladies." [People]
• Lane Garrison has been released from rehab. "He stayed at the facility for a couple of hours," says a source. "Because of the work he did as a substance-abuse program leader while he was incarcerated, they said he had already served his time in regards to rehabilitation so it would be redundant considering the work that he had already completed." The courts don't agree, and his has another two to three years of parole left. [ E!]
• Today, after receiving an honorary doctorate of humane and musical letters from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, Dolly Parton said, "Just think, I am Dr. Dolly!" [AP]
• Brody Jenner has confirmed that Kristen Cavallari is joining The Hills, if anyone cares. [ZackTaylor.ca]
• This article about "What happened when a famous rockstar's 'model' daughter threw a strop on set..." is like a 300 world blind item, but it's Friday, and we're too tired to figure out who it is. [The Daily Mail]
• The White Stripes haven't split up and Jack White says new material won't be, "too far off. Maybe next year." [Rolling Stone]
• Paris Hilton is on vacation with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, but she keeps posting pictures of the two making out on Twitter with captions like, "My smooches from a secret island." Warning: close up shots of the two making out at the link. [The Sun]
• Gwyneth Paltrow has put a session with her personal trainer Tracy Anderson up for auction on eBay to benefit Clear Water Initiative, a charity that provides clean water to poor areas. [The Daily Express]
• Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour is holding a concert at a secret location on May 24 to raise money for the charity Crisis. Fans will be told the location via text message the day before. [The Daily Express]
• Sandra Bullock says since marrying Jesse James in 2005, "I've had to learn a hard lesson in that I'm not allowed to open car doors anymore," Bullock says. "It was so hard for me to allow someone to take care of me. It's not because I can't take care of myself. But Jesse was like, 'Just let me do this.'" [People]
• Daniel Radcliffe has been hanging out with Our Lady J., who the UK papers have called a drag queen. She said, "I have no comment on Daniel, except that we support each other as artists. And I'd like to clarify that I'm not a Dolly-Parton-impersonating drag queen: I am a singing/songwriting/piano-playing woman (of transexual experience, if you must). And I happen to be a very powerful witch, so don't fuck with me fellas!" [Popnography]
• In a recent interview porn star Sasha Grey said she wanted to drape herself in a Palestinian flag, go on The Howard Stern Show and confront the shock jock for being "a closet racist." She claims she was joking, but Howard Stern is insulted that she called him a racist and said, "For the most part, I really don't want to hear a porn star try to prove how intelligent [she is] and her porn is a political statement. I mean, that just sounds absurd to me." He continued, "What a genius. I'm going to sit there and listen to this. Please. Just tell me how much cock you can suck and how far you can swallow a hot dog. That's what I want to know. I mean, really. How dare you?" [Rolling Stone]

• Remember how sources said Ashlee was knocked up and then Pete Wentz said she wasn't ? Now sources say Ashlee Simpson is pregnant and will get married next month at a private residence in Southern California. [People]
  
• Jessica Simpson is reportedly jealous of little sis Ashlee, since she's always wanted a baby and even joked she'd resort to making her hairstylist Ken Paves the daddy. Oy. [MSNBC]
  
• Cameron Diaz's father died suddenly yesterday; the cause was pneumonia. [TMZ]
  
• Um, prepare yourself: Rob Lowe's nanny says he repeatedly exposed his "flaccid penis" and his "erect penis" to her, repeatedly asked her "to touch his penis," repeatedly masturbated in front of her, showed her pornographic images on his computer, asked her to give him a massage and tell him dirty stories. Shudder. [TMZ]
  
• So yeah, the nanny is countersuing Lowe for sexual harassment. She is seeking $50,000 in general damages as well as punitive damages and unpaid wages. [Reuters]

• Lily Allen was taken off the judging panel of the Orange Prize — awarded to female writers who have authored books of fiction — because "life got in the way" and she missed a bunch of meetings. A week after joining the panel, she announced she was pregnant. Later she miscarried and split from her boyfriend. The girl's got no time to read. [Telegraph]
• Uh-oh! Amy Winehouse's record label is warning her that she can only release a new CD if she is clean and sober. Crap. Think she can do it? [The Sun]
• John Mayer and Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger: Doing the do? [Page Six]
• David Hasselhoff uses his assistant and an autographed photo of himself to try and pick up chicks. It doesn't work. [Gatecrasher]
• Some crew members feared for Heath Ledger's mental health while he was filming The Dark Knight: He reportedly refused to talk to anyone out of character and found it hard to "snap out" of the personality of The Joker, who he described as a "psychotic, mass-murdering clown." [News.com.au]
• Oh, dear. Pete Doherty is doing heroin while in jail. [The Sun]
• Michael Lohan says daughter Lindsay wants to do missionary work in India; Lindsay's rep says um, no. [Gatecrasher]
• Paris Hilton was paid £70,000 for 50 minutes of work: Showing up at a London nightclub. The world has gone mad. Mad, I tell you! [Mirror]
• Meanwhile, Paris's parents adore her boyfriend Benji Madden. Kathy Hilton says, "I have a funny feeling it's going to go all the way." Rick Hilton says, "We love him like family already." [People]
• Jennie Garth has "abruptly" left a CBS comedy pilot — does that mean she's headed to the 90210 spinoff instead? [Reuters]
• TMI blind item! "Which inexplicable media star (blame www.Gawker.com for that) likes to boast that she let a certain handsome men's magazine editor, who is also much in the gossip columns, get to third base during a dinner at Balthazar?" [Gatecrasher]
• Camilla Parker Bowles (now Duchess of Cornwall), Celine Dion and Madonna share an ancestor! They all descend from a French carpenter. See? Madonna was destined to have a Continental accent. [The Star]
• Deborah Gibson has a stalker who is originally from Spain but left his wife to follow Debbie around the country. Deb's filed a restraining order against the dude and is singing "No, no, no, no, only in your dreams! As real as it may seem — It's only in your dreams." [TMZ]
• Former MTV VJ LaLa Vazquez says she is supporting fiancé Carmelo Anthony in the wake of his DUI arrest. Yawn. [People]
• Despite her album not doing well in the US, Kylie Minogue is splurging on a £3 million mansion in the British countryside. Get it girl! [News.com.au]
• Actor Jason Beghe, an ex-Scientologist says, "Scientology is destructive and a rip-off. It's very, very dangerous for your spiritual, psychological, mental, emotional health and evolution. I think it stunts your evolution." Tom Cruise? Stunted? Never. [Page Six]
• Magician Criss Angel threw a hissy fit over the weekend when his girlfriend, Miss Nevada, didn't win Miss USA. He's also probably upset that no one cares. [Page Six]
• Foxy Brown is scheduled to be released from prison this week! The rapper has been behind bars for the last eight months due to probation violations. She's got a VH1 reality show already in the works, naturally. [UPI]
• Martha Stewart's beloved dog, a Chow named PawPaw, has died. [The.Life Files]
• "I'm just trudging along, you know. I wash every day, I've got my own teeth, and I don't dye my hair. I must be doing something right, as I've only canceled two shows in 30 years: once when the doctor said I would have a miscarriage, and once when he told me my eardrums would explode if I did the gig." Chrissie Hynde, 56. [Page Six]

MEGAN: You know, I think if She wanted my mood to be better, it would not be raining again today.

MOE: They're not calling it the Great Depression for nothing! Unless it's some April Fools joke.
Ha ha ha, the number of Americans using food stamps for essential groceries is the highest since food stamps were introduced! Yes really!

MEGAN: One in eight residents in Michigan is on food stamps.
They're blaming part of it on the rise in gas prices making shipping more expensive. Good thing we have an adequate rail transport syst... Oh, shit. Sorry. No, we're fucked.

MOE: hahaha here's a funny joke the Washington Post website and/or all its readers are playing on us. The Most viewed thing now is called Yes, It Was A Good War. Ooooh oooh click!

MEGAN: Yeah, that article totally made me happier.

There were pacifists around before WWI, asshole.

MOE: Oh wait no better, Memeorandum is telling me the most important news meme happening right now is Obama bowling. I think people just love the word "dainty."

MEGAN: Joe Scarborough, I am not a dainty person or a dainty bowler. I just SUCK. I hereby challenge you to a bowling tournament. I will bowl drunk and without the benefit of either my contacts or glasses because, apparently, not seeing the pins makes me a better bowler. And then when I smack you in the face with the ball, you won't be talking about dainty no more.
Also, please, with that hair? Joe Scarborough doesn't bowl.

MOE: Oh this is a cool April Fools Day storyabout all the cool badges with crazy slogans that are the only things we know about the Pentagon's $32 billion in triple classified deep secret appropriations. I mean, I think it is a true story but there is really no information and instead of leaving me with a sense of "Wow, our Defense Department is doing destructive things with our tax dollars and no oversight" it left me with a sense of "Dog Latin? That is a language? I knew pig latin but what is dog latin?"

One patch shows a space alien with huge eyes holding a stealth bomber near its mouth. "To Serve Man" reads the text above, a reference to a classic "Twilight Zone" episode in which man is the entree, not the customer. "Gustatus Similis Pullus" reads the caption below, dog Latin for "Tastes Like Chicken."

Also, this just in over the transom! "Deborah" Gibson is going to be playing at Harrah's Atlantic City for an unprecedented three week performance from May 4-24.

MEGAN: OH MY GOD.
Please tell me that's not a joke
Please.
Also, I hate Atlantic City but I might have to find some slouch socks and puffy paint and Keds and head on up there.

MOE: I love Atlantic City. Atlantic City is just America writ very small. No economy besides gambling and whores! Middle class standing around waiting to die! Overleveraged! Crumbling infrastructure! Abject poverty! Gradually being invaded by Chinese! Bottle service! Trump! And some of the greatest italian food I have ever had. I love AC, I have to say. The future of our nation, you can find it there. I bet Ashley Alexandra Dupre had some good underage times there.

MEGAN: Actually, you've just listed almost everything I hate about AC, but you missed the part where the "outlets" suck.

MOE: Oh yes OUTLETS THAT ARE NOT REALLY OUTLETS. A.C. is where "brands" go to die at the hands of tourists who are too dumb to go to real outlets... A.C. is like the Paula Abdul of all latitude/longitude combinations. Or something

MEGAN: Ok, but you and I are so getting Debbie Gibson tickets and meeting there, I'm just saying.
I'll find colorful scrunchies!

MOE: The Pentagon is over budget on only about 95 weapons systems. Um, also...speaking of...the Mike and Juliet show just showed an old clip of Paula Abdul and um Mike said something really funny.

MEGAN: Ok, I suppose we should, at some point, quit talking about the music of our tween years or something. Did you see the editorial on Obama by Alice Walker? It's a little hippie-dippy for my taste, but she did tell me that the whole "we are the change we have been waiting for line" that was totally mocked a couple month ago was a deliberate reference to an African-American poet and a modern spiritual. Whoops. Guess that's why the news networks might need a leetle more diversity in their commentators.

MOE: Wow, $1.6 trillion is the total budget of the weapons systems. That is a lot of money. Like the size of the russian economy but plus 60% or also the amount that banks are expected to writeoff plus 60%. Oh look it's the IO Digital cable commercial!

MEGAN: Dude, the commercial that needs to stop airing RIGHT NOW are those creepy AT&T mobile broadband commercials with the fake British guy finding the internet. They freak me out.

MOE: Wait, is this a joke? Stock futures are looking up! Because the "worst is over"? Because it's all priced in?

MEGAN: Because once us poor people are out of the system the institutional investors and hedge fund guys can have their say without being worried about lawsuits?

MOE: So this Alfonso Jackon stuff: what's the word? Are we going to get a fun scandal with whores outta this guy?
Not that scandals with whores are really that fun anymore.

MEGAN: Sadly, no whores except the political ones I think. Donors, favors, friends, incompetence. You know, standard issue Bushie stuff.

MOE: The bar, it has been raised SO HIGH this year.

MEGAN: It has, you're right. I mean, I guess hooray for Spitzer for being the scandal champ? I mean, do you think we can have a national conversation about expecting Puritan functionaries from our politicians?
Because I just feel like if we all had a healthier attitude about sex, and the "need" to be married, especially if you're a politician, maybe this shit wouldn't happen? Or else I've had just enough coffee to be utopian and not enough to get back to cranky. Or I'm just sorta depressed and thus want to pretend like the world that isn't my life could be better than it is.

MOE: Between the one trillion in bank writedowns and the $1.6 trillion weapons budget and the $9 trillion national debt there sure are a lot of people we owe money to! Thank goodness we have all those weapons, you know?

MEGAN: Oooh, is that the new way to pay your credit card bill? Because that would be kind of awesome. No, see, AmEx, I have bigger guns so I really think we're going to renegotiate these terms, thanks.

MOE: The second amendment is totes underrated.

MEGAN: Not anymore! The Supremes are about to throw out DC's gun ban on
its basis. Hooray for strict constitutionalism except when it comes to guns.

MOE: Dude the IO digital cable commercial is on AGAIN. "$29.95, don't forget to sign the label." Okay now I have to write the introduction to this stupid post that no one besides SinisterRouge can follow. (In that vein, I totally drank sangria with SinisterRouge last night! I never drink drinks like sangria but she is very convincing. As anyone who is still reading at this point which is to say no one because they have all boycotted Crappy Hour knows well, or not well enough.)