What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity. [Note: Headline has been updated. These… » 12/26/13 12:31pm 12/26/13 12:31pm

The 2013 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

I have a house and, like most houses, it's an unfinished work. There are cracks in the paint. There are piles of old clothes and shoes exploding out of the laundry room, which doubles as a storage room because we don't have a storage room. The walls in our bedroom are bare because we haven't had time to hang pictures… » 12/11/13 5:08pm 12/11/13 5:08pm

My Kid's Insane Christmas Wish List, Annotated

When I was a kid, I would dream up completely insane presents to put on my Christmas wish list—shit that no parent could ever possibly afford and no child could ever possibly deserve. And every year, my parents would tell me before Christmas that I would NOT be getting the little race car I saw on the Obstacle Course… » 12/04/13 1:08pm 12/04/13 1:08pm

Why The Hell Does Your Drink Cost So Much?

I'm not ambitious enough to be downright thrifty, but I try to avoid abject retail stupidity. I know better than to buy paper plates when the free magazines and underwear catalogs that clog my mailbox are perfectly capable of supporting even the hammin'est of sandwiches. I drink tap water, and I'm smart enough to turn… » 11/01/13 2:39pm 11/01/13 2:39pm

How Do I Get My Spouse To Cook Better Meals?

Welcome to the Feedbag, where all the dumb questions about food, drink, cooking, eating, and accidental finger removal you've been embarrassed to ask can finally receive the berating they goddamn deserve. Also: answers. Send all your even-vaguely-food-related questions to albertburneko@gmail.com with the subject… » 8/21/13 5:47pm 8/21/13 5:47pm

BBC Apologizes For Shitty Thing It Said About Bartoli And Her Dad

Today, gentlemen, we were reminded why we lug our reputations as troglodytes well into the 21st century. A woman named Marion Bartoli proved athletic enough to win a singles title at Wimbledon and was thereupon described to BBC Radio 5 listeners as something other than "a looker." Because, you see, it is not enough to… » 7/07/13 12:30pm 7/07/13 12:30pm

The Hater's Guide To Other Parents

I am not the greatest parent in the world. In fact, I wrote an entire book coming out today that indisputably proves that statement. I have been arrested. I have yelled at my children. I have experimented with odd forms of corporal punishment. And I have conspired with my children to commit petty misdemeanors. All of… » 5/16/13 3:10pm 5/16/13 3:10pm