She talked about riding a Razr scooter ('You have to switch sides or else one side becomes overdeveloped"), pole dancing with her daughter, having a scrapbook for her "mutts" — including a picture of one of them with Barack Obama — and, as seen in the clip above, made a cracks about how much fun it is to do sad movies.

She also informed David Letterman that when kids are seven years old, they can go to hell. She knows from experience.

Lastly, she showed off her tattoos.

• Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up, for real this time.

It is, naturally, "amicable and mutual." [Extra via Gossip Cop]

• Robert Pattinson and his Remember Me costar Emilie de Ravin had a "secret" date! Except it's not a secret, because we know about it. And it wasn't so much a date but a photoshoot for Vogue. Apparently the "theme" of the photoshoot is a date at the museum (LACMA, Los Angeles County Museum Of Art) and the look is edgy, tattered high fashion. [E!]
• Jessica Simpson went to see sister Ashlee in Chicago on Broadway and asked for popcorn in the lobby. [Page Six]
• Roman Polanski will spend Christmas and New Year's Eve in his Alpine chalet: "Swiss authorities say they will decide early next year on whether to extradite director Roman Polanski to the United States." [AP]
• Apparently Elin Nordegren is "not going to be one of those 'stand by her man' women," according to a source: "Forgiveness isn't exactly around the corner." Next stop: Splitsville. [MSNBC Scoop]
• This report claims that Elin Nordegren wants half of Tiger Woods' $548 million. I can barely even wrap my mind around how much money that is. [Mirror]
• Um, Charles Barkley and Spike Lee are concerned about Tiger Woods. Apparently he's not speaking to Barkley or any of his famous friends. In a one hour special, to air Sunday on HLN, Barkley says: "I think when you have these fires in your life, as I call them, you need to talk to somebody else who is famous who [has] been through things in their life… I don't think you can talk about it to your family and friends, because your family and friends, they're not famous." Lee says: "He's insulated… If Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan can't get to him, and those are his boys, then other people are making bad moves." [CNN]
• Tiger Woods' high school girlfriend says Tiger was devastated by his father cheating. "He would just call crying and say, 'My dad is with another woman,' and that would be all he could say," she says. "He would be so upset, so I just tried to be there for him and listen to him." Hopefully he is talking about this in therapy. [E!]
• Tiger's ladyfriend Jamie Junger says she partied in Las Vegas with Tiger Woods and Charles Barkley, gambling for hours in a VIP area: "Tiger would occasionally put his hand on my leg but it was underneath the table… There was nobody around except the blackjack dealer, the roulette dealer and a cocktail waitress who would come in the room. There was nobody in that room except for myself, Tiger and Charles Barkley." [Radar Online]
• In an exclusive story, People is reporting that Elin Nordegren plans to divorce Tiger Woods. A source says: "She's made up her mind. There's nothing to think about: he's never going to change." [People]
• This report claims Elin is planning to take the kids to spend the holidays with her family in Sweden. [NY Daily News]
• Lady Gaga is the most-listened to artist of the year, according to Last.fm. [Mirror]
• Carrie Underwood is on the cover of Self, and inside, she says: "Before I die, I want to get rid of all my money… Recently, I started a foundation to benefit my hometown [the Checotah Animal, Town and School Foundation: C.A.T.S.]. I'm looking forward to doing a lot of good for a community that's a big part of why I am who I am." [People via Self]
• Young Victoria star Emily Blunt says she sees a correlation between being a celebrity today and Queen Victoria: "Queen Victoria was a celebrity of that time." She also says, of being famous: "I'm not hounded in any way, like so many people are. It's not that life changing or life inhibiting. I feel like you can make a choice. I really do. And you can have an aura about you that doesn't attract that kind of attention. You just find the dive bars. That's my advice. Go get a cheeseburger and find a dive-bar. But that's how I like to live my life. Some people don't like to live it that way. Some people want to go to those places, the chic, chic places and go to the scenes. That's their choice." [BlackBook]
• A "source" says A-Rod broke up with Kate Hudson a week ago, but wanted to break up with her over a week ago. [Us]
• Kate Hudson and her mom Goldie Hawn did some "boy-bashing" at a bar Monday night over drinks. [Gatecrasher]
• Kate Gosselin is lonely. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Newsflash: Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker actually like each other. [Daily Express]
• Sarah Jessica Parker calls motherhood "the most perfectly overwhelming experience." [People]
• The dude who tried to blackmail David Letterman tried to "mask" the transaction s a business deal, prosecutors said in court Tuesday. [USA Today]
• This column alleges that the guy was so paranoid that he thought David Letterman might kill him over the extortion plot. [Page Six]
• The man accused of secretly videotaping Erin Andrews naked pled guilty to one count of interstate stalking. [TMZ]
• Usher, Michelle Trachtenberg, John Legend, Leighton Meester and Beyoncé were spotted at Robin Thicke's album release party. [Page Six]
• Snoop Dogg smoking weed? You don't say. [Page Six]
• Gossip Girl pseudo-spoiler involving Chuck Bass at the link. [Gatecrasher]
• Before the Golden Globe nomination announcements, Quentin Tarantino said, "I'm not nervous… I'll either get something or I won't. We'll see." Inglourious Basterds got a best supporting actor nod for Christolph Waltz, as well as best motion picture, drama; director and screenplay. [LA Times]
• Rumor has it Tobey Maguire will play Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit, but he says: "I have not met or spoken to Guillermo del Toro or Peter Jackson or anybody. Nobody has given me a script or approached me about it. Somebody actually sent me that link that said that I had a conversation with the director and it was just not true." [Access Hollywood]
• General Hospital and "Jessie's Girl" fans: Rick Springfield is working on a memoir, Late, Late At Night, which will detail his long battle with depression. [AP]
• Diddy is not, repeat, not getting married. Adjust accordingly. [Page Six]
• Motley Crue's Vince Neil allegedly owes $62,000 in unpaid legal fees. [Contact Music]
• Alec Baldwin has donated $1 million to Tisch School of the Arts at NYU for a scholarship fund. [Gatecrasher]
• Isabella Rossellini has been studying at NYU for her final exams in animal behavior and environmental science. [Gatecrasher]
• "The administrators of Michael Jackson's estate and a cadre of attorneys are seeking millions for managing the King of Pop's affairs after death, court documents filed Tuesday show." [USA Today, TMZ]
• Morgan Spurlock versus Harvey Weinstein? Details at the link. [Page Six]
• RIP Joseph Tierney, who served 16 years on the Boston City Council — and is Maura Tierney's dad. [Boston]
• Blind items! "Which television anchor is frantically denying he had an affair with his wife's sister?" And: "Which Hollywood hottie is less than impressed with her ex-boy friend's equipment? She's telling friends he's a flop in the sack." [Page Six]
• "If she's angry, I allow her to say, 'Damn! I'm so frustrated today!' We have our moments when we clash, but we have a good relationship. I want her to count on me to try to understand what she's going through. No damnation, no condemnation, nothing that's going to make her feel like she can't come to me." — Whitney Houston on daughter Bobbie Kristina, aka Krissy. Whitney's looking good on the cover of In Style, there's a pic at the link. [People via InStyle]
• "I have always performed. I have always brought music to people. I know that the sound at the O2 is phenomenal. I know that it holds about - be still, my heart - 15,000 people. And I hope that our lovely show will satisfy and fill that vast arena. I think it will, but I also know that it will be very daunting…I can sing-speak, I do have some bass notes that I discovered, and I do have just a couple of tricks up my sleeve that I think will surprise people. I'm a little nervous, more than a little nervous. I'm also excited and pleased to be bringing this concert to London. It's a gorgeous evening of music and I'm thrilled to be bringing it to London. As far as I'm concerned, they're not going to be hearing the Julie they used to hear. But I will be using my voice the best I know how these days. Some notes I can't try again. The truth is I don't have the soprano voice I used to have. But I do have a few solid bass notes that I will employ to the best of my ability." — Julie Andrews, on her concert, coming in May 2010 — her first since a throat operation threatened to silence her forever. [Daily Mail]
• "I made this terrible decision early on when I said I thought Watson should have a starched collar. Then, with it on, I could barely swallow my sandwiches at lunchtime." — Jude Law, on his Sherlock Holmes wardrobe. [Telegraph]
• "When Rob Marshall called me up and said, 'We are going to do this film about the story of Fellini and I would like you to be in it,' I was very proud of it because I was the only Italian in the film to be able to say Italian movies are still wonderful all over the world. So, I accepted in a very nice way and Rob told me — he was lying, of course — that he was not going to do the film if I wasn't in it. So, I said, 'For the sake of his career, it's OK, I'm going to be in it.' I did it and here I am to answer your questions… Italians will be the same always, all the time… Italians are a people that have a lot of heart, a lot to say in every field and we will always be very successful ... and proud of being Italian." — The legendary Sophia Loren, on Nine. She has probably not seen Jersey Shore. [UPI]
• "Animals aren't easy, but what's annoying about children is that everyone loves them and I resent that. I only work with ugly children." — Hugh Grant. [People]
• "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough, to get the right one." — Russell Brand. [Page Six]

As he mentioned, Dave's been telling jokes about Kate and A-Rod ever since it came out that they were dating, so Kate had to know he would railroad her when she came on the show (to promote Nine.) One moment in particular demonstrated how quick Dave is on his feet:

Kate: "Can't we talk about the holidays? Let's talk about Christmas."
Dave, cutting in: "Let's talk about Thanksgiving: did Alex come to your house for Thanksgiving?"

Maryjean's Cat Massage Don'ts:

1. Touching too fast
2. Touching with your fingertips only (use full palm).
3. Taunting the cat with a high-pitched squeaky voice.

Remember the rules!

Cat Massage Lady Maryjean Ballner [Late Show with David Letterman]

Related: If There was Ever a Win-Win Situation, it's Cat Massage! [Everything is Terrible]

Dave: "What I used to like to do when we would watch him on TV is I would call my son in because I wanted to show him an example of a guy who was absolutely the best at what he did."

Barbara: "But in your case, without going into great detail, you were very honest and you came out before the story, and I think that's what he should have done."

In the clip above, Dave comes out swinging, beginning his monologue with "Boy, looks like that Tiger Woods is having some trouble, huh?" Audience members go wild with long applause, reminiscent, in a way, of their confused enthusiastic laughter during Letterman's announcement of his own illicit dalliances with members of his staff in October. But what, exactly, are they cheering for here, since Dave has yet to make an actual joke? The fact that someone other than Dave has been brought down by the same bad habit? Just the fact that he's even addressing it? Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume the applause sign came on, but it's kind of strange. Dave goes on to make jokes about Tiger, and even though they're softballs ("I used to think golf was boring") and most refer self-deprecatingly to Dave's own troubles ("I wish he'd stop calling me for advice"), it's impossible not to feel a sense that Dave is relieved and gleeful that the focus is finally off of him.

Perhaps to minimize the glass-house stone throwing nature of the whole thing, Letterman makes the audience take two polls, asking them by applause if they think Tiger Woods is a jerk, and then if they think he, Dave, is a jerk. The audience applauds both:

Then Dave brings out Tom Hanks, once again, to "react to" the Top 10 List: "Top 10 Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image". (Conspicuously absent: "Get Tom Hanks, the most trusted man in America, to appear by your side during difficult moments"):

This show was basically Letterman's way of putting his own scandal to rest by signaling to his audience that in no way is he going to start treating the infidelity of other famous men, a topic which many have noted has been one of his favorites throughout his show, lightly. If anything, Letterman's status as a fellow "jerk" gives him his own special angle on Tiger and any other future men accused of similar bad behavior. We can probably expect him to pile on the jokes whenever a scandal like this breaks, because unlike Jon Stewart or Conan O'Brien, Dave can always hold up his hands and claim that he's making fun of himself just as much as the joke's victim. He can now own sex scandals by doing what he's always been able to do brilliantly: take any subject and make it about him.

• Robert Pattinson took Kristen Stewart to a "secret" dinner with his parents. So secret that this Britloid knows about it!

Apparently the Sparkle Vamp's mom and dad "got on like a house on fire" with Kristen. Perhaps eventually these kids will be "ENGAGED!" like Ok! declared in September. [The Sun]

• At a New Moon press conference, Dakota Fanning "struggled to look interested." And: "Her wide-set eyes sometimes drifted to the middle distance as her co-stars answered questions. Even her responses to the adoring crowd of movie buffs and reporters felt uninspired." Maybe she was tired? [The Daily Beast]
• New Moon actor Kellan Lutz was declined entrance to his own movie party. [Page Six]
• Rihanna is dating Tristan Wilds, whom you may know from 90210… Or as Michael on The Wire. [Gatecrasher]
• "Jon Gosselin signed a secret, hand-written contract with Kate Major, hiring her as his personal assistant, promising to pay her a percentage of his "accounts" and spelling out that she would not talk about their relationship." [Radar Online]
• Bijou Phillips doesn't want to attend the premiere of her film Made For Each Other, because she might have to answer embarrassing questions, in the wake of half-sister Mackenzie's incest revelations. [Page Six]
• MTV has bought the rights to air Michael Jackson's This Is It beginning in 2011. Meaning: There will actually be music on MTV! [NY Post]
• Evan Chandler, 65, the father of Jordan "Jordy" Chandler — who accused Michael Jackson of molestation — killed himself via a gun to the head earlier this month. He was reportedly suffering from a serious illness, though the ailment was not named. [NY Post]
• Penelope Cruz was on David Letterman's show last night, and refused to admit if she was engaged: "I've been here a few times with you, you know I'm tough. One thing I don't do, I don't lie about my personal life," she said. "It's sacred to me. It's my life. But I don't give details about it because I am allergic to that." [People]
• Tina Fey went to the unveiling of Barneys New York's SNL-themed holiday windows, and the papier-mâché Sarah Palin hanging in the window "started spinning around uncontrollably," which was alarming. [WWD]
• Gerard Butler doesn't read gossip. He says: "I try and stay away from anything anybody sends me, some clips or articles that tell me what's going on… I normally tell them to leave me alone and to not remind me. But it's normally when I'm doing press someone will say 'oh so, is it true about...' - and that's when I catch up on all my rumors, when I'm doing press junkets." [Mirror]
• Michael Musto's interview with Levi Johnston is Hi. Larious. MM asks if Levi's junk is "really the Alaska pipeline" and Levi claims he's no Kevin Federline, because "I'm a country singer-I'm not gonna be no rapper." [Village Voice: La Dolce Musto]
• Beth Ditto was asked what she was doing in Paris. She replied, "I am trying to be really cool." Then she did a cover of "I Will Always Love You," the Dolly Parton song made famous by Whitney Houston, saying, "it's my favorite song." [WWD]
• Carrie Prejean is threatening to sue Vivid Entertainment if the company releases photos or videos of her "solo sex tape." [TMZ]
• Frances Bean Cobain has Bard at the top of her list of colleges. [Gatecrasher]
• Does Charlie Gibson bad-mouth fellow ABC anchor Diane Sawyer? [Page Six]
• Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, claims he's getting death threats after trying to sell a book and "steamy" home video of J. Lo. [Page Six]
• Adam Lambert, aka Glambert, is on the cover of Out magazine — with Wanda Sykes, Cyndi Lauper, Lt. Dan Choi and Rob Marshall — and the editor's letter suggests his record label didn't want him to be on the magazine solo, because that would be "too gay." The EIC writes: "It's only because this cover is a group shot that includes a straight woman that your team would allow you to be photographed at all…" Is this the same record label that okayed this shot? And this one? [MSNBC Scoop]
• I can't figure out if this story about Hulk Hogan being attacked at a press conference is real or a wrestling stunt. And isn't Ric Flair retired? All I know is that there's a hip hop song named after him. Ric Flair wittit! Woo! Yeah so anyway: Hulk was bleeding from the head after the "attack" and there's a picture. [News.com.au]
• Aaron Eckhart and Molly Sims: Dating. [People]
• The Bob Saget reality show actually sounds interesting. [NY Post]
• Whoa. Avril Lavigne is dating Wilmer Valderrama? Okay. Does she know that in a radio interview with Howard Stern, he talked about how Mandy Moore was a virgin until he met her? He's also been linked to Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ashlee Simpson. [Life & Style]
• A-Rod has given Kate Hudson a ring, but it's not an engagement ring, it's a $39,000 white-gold ring to thank her for her support of the Yankees. Allegedly. [Gatecrasher]
• Celebrities can make money off of Twitter? Damn. [NY Post]
• Oprah's homeslice Nate Berkus is about to sign a deal to star in his own syndicated daytime talk show. [NY Post]
• Wall Street 2 costars Carey Mulligan and Shia LaBeouf are totes in love. [Gatecrasher]
• John Travolta and Robin Williams became good friends after crashing a wedding in 1977; now they're in their first joint film, Old Dogs. Apparently, at some point in the movie, Travolta and Williams mix up their medications. Travolta's face turns into a Joker-like smile, while Williams' tongue grows to the size of a dill pickle. "That scene, I've probably laughed harder than I ever have," Travolta says. "I knew I wanted to do the movie when I read that part. I'd pay $10 to see that scene." Maybe because you're a millionaire? [USA Today]
• The interwebs have been buzzing about the banned Enrique Iglesias video, "Sad Eyes," in which our hero indulges in phone sex, then picks up a hooker… The pole/phallic imagery is not to be missed. And if you haven't seen it yet, you can, at the link. [Buzzfeed]
• This column is all about Rose McGowan's face. [NY Daily News]
• Rod Stewart's lawyers want $3,309,871.34 in back legal fees. [TMZ]
• The IRS wants over $1 million from Aaron Carter. [NY Post]
• Thirty-six items of clothing Audrey Hepburn wore on and off the screen from 1953 to the late '60s — along with accessories and letters — will be auctioned in London next month. [NY Post]
• Gloria Estefan lost a $220,00 Bulgari diamond bracelet getting out of a car in Miami, but her husband found it. [Page Six]
• "Slumdog Millionaire star Anil Kapoor says he and Danny Boyle will ensure the kids from the movie go to school to earn their trust funds." [Page Six]
• "We're in two minds. Damian doesn't want us to add to our family under any circumstances. He wants to remain the golden prince. He says, ‘Mummy, our family is big enough.' We toy with it but we're not sure." — Liz Hurley is not sure if she is going to have more kids; her son certainly doesn't want her to. [Daily Express]
• "I'm going to make a film on Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. It won't be a so-called David Lynch film, really; it will be about Maharishi and the knowledge he brought out. It'll hold a lot of abstractions. We're on our way to India in December to start the India part of it." — David Lynch. NY Mag]
• "It's scary on the one hand because we have really big shoes to fill — for God's sake, Marcia won a Tony for this role! On the other hand, there aren't a lot of great, great, great roles, especially for women, especially for older women, of which I am one. And I'm a stage actor primarily. I always have been, even though I took a break, but that's how I got my training before I began - eighteen years of stage in New York. Yes, it's daunting: We'll all be compared to the other cast. It doesn't matter - I don't read reviews, I don't care what other people say. At this stage of my career, there are no career moves anymore. I just think when a part like this comes along, you've got to grab it." — Christine Lahti is taking over Marcia Gay Harden's role in God Of Carnage. [NY Mag]
• "Farrah's and my relationship was based on a deep love and respect for one another and for our son Redmond… After discussing how her financial affairs would be handled in the event of her passing, we agreed that our son Redmond would be the primary beneficiary of her estate," he goes on. "These were Farrah's wishes and I am perfectly happy with them." — Ryan O'Neal doesn't care that he's not in Farrah's will. [Us Magazine]
• "During shooting I tried to not go onto the Internet at all if possible. I started to pay attention to fan reaction to the trailers that have been out and what kind of stuff they like, just in order to get a temperature of where things were heading. I think you end up being a politician responding to polls if you pay too much attention to the Internet. Because it's a quick way to convince yourself that one particular person who happens to be Twittering at the moment just happens to be the authority. I try to put out fires when bizarre rumors get started. One rumor I addressed was that the Volturi scenes were supposed to be set in a bathhouse with everyone naked." —Twilight director Chris Weitz. [Techland]
• "I watch Twilight and New Moon and I think, Gosh, there are a million lines that I wish were in it that aren't. You can't be expected to capture the book - what you are expected to do is capture an essence. That's always subjective. It's something that eternally worries me, but at the same time you have to suppress those thoughts. You would be playing a really disjointed character if you were taking everyone's considerations. It's impossible to please everyone. As long as they know that you are working hard, as hard as you can, I think the actual fans of the book accept that and appreciate that." — Kristen Stewart. [Time]
• "When I was reading the books, I felt so bad for Jacob's character. I was, like, 'Wow, he can't get the girl he wants and he's being shut down and used.' But now that I'm actually filming it and living this character, I feel so much worse." — Taylor Lautner, aka Twilight's Buff Werewolf, when interviewed earlier this year. [LA Times]
• "I felt pretty goofy stepping out into the sunlight in front of 2,000 people in a town square, ripping my clothes off. I was essentially doing a striptease. But here's the irony, it was also one of the moments where I've really felt closest to people's emotional attachment to Edward... It was quite uplifting and it was also very nerve-wracking." — Robert Pattinson. Mirror]

Thanks to Gawker intern Liz Bolduc for making the clip.

More Than Ever, You Can Say That On Television [N.Y. Times]

• Victoria Beckham put away her Hermes bags and Louboutins and wore shredded jeans and combat boots as she joined son Brooklyn and spent 2 days with impoverished children in Kentucky.

At the link, you can see pix of Posh hanging with schoolkids. Brooklyn is one of Save The Children's youngest celebrity advocates. Posh says: "What I saw in Clay Country was the hope and promise inherent in every child. That's why we have to make sure every single child has a fair and equal start in life. Seeing Save the Children's innovative programs in action, like encouraging healthy eating, I know that we can begin to reverse the childhood poverty crisis. I'm pleased Brooklyn is learning that by helping and joining other children he can play a role in making his generation the greatest yet." [Daily Mail]

• Taylor Swift is on the cover of the new 3D issue (?!?!) of In Style, and inside she talks about meeting Taylor Lautner on the set of Valentine's Day: "He and I have gotten really close," she says. "It would be confusing on the set with two Taylors in the same scene. They were like, 'Taylor, on your mark – no, not you, the other one!' So halfway through the shoot, I said, 'How about you guys call me Swifty and call him Taylor?'" She also says: "I've never thought it was a curse to be single, and at this point in my life, I'm in the mind-set where I choose to be single — like I got to light scented candles and write in my diary and I wouldn't have time for that if I had a boyfriend right now!" [People]
• Oprah claimed that citizens of Dubai get free water, electricity and health care without paying income tax. While it's true residents are not subject to income tax, there is no support for the other claims. Whoops! [Page Six]
• The National Enquirer is reporting that David Letterman's wife asked him to move out; his rep says the story is "wrong." And it appears that reporters from the Enquirer called Dave's mom for a statement, because they are jerks. Her comment: "I don't know anything about that." [NY Daily News]
• This one is real, not a Hortense creation: "Sombre Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie look distant on a rare night out as they join A-listers at art party." [Daily Mail]
• Cops in Germany have searched a home in connection with the Cindy Crawford extortion case. The apartment might belong to Edis Kayalar, the guy who allegedly tried to get Cindy and her husband to pay him not to release a photo of their daughter bound and gagged. [TMZ]
• Vivid Entertainment is trying to buy Carrie Prejean's "erotic footage." [TMZ]
• Diddy's 40th birthday party will be a "fantasy dreamland" with fashion installations, a labyrinth, performance art and light shows. Plus a "very special" musical guest. Who could it be? [Page Six]
• Holy crap, the stills from "Video Phone," Beyoncé's video with Lady Gaga, look weird and amazing. The video should be out this week. [The Life Files]
• Mariah Carey pulled out of a performance on Brit TV show Strictly Come Dancing so she could appear on competing show X Factor. [Telegraph]
• Hayden Panettiere is producing a CW show called HMS — Harvard Medical School — which basically sounds like Grey's Anatomy Junior. [ET]
• Ryan Reynolds will be part of the NYC theatrical comedy show Celebrity Autobiography: In Their Own Words, in which stars read humorous snippets from celebrity memoirs. Ryan will read from Kenny Loggins' The Unimaginable Life: Lessons Learned on the Path of Love. Also reading: Rachel Dratch, Carol Kane, Sherri Shepherd, Michael Urie, and Kristen Wiig. [NY Times]
• Courteney Cox — and husband David Arquette — are looking forward to being in Scream 4. She's not sure about the plot, but imagines that: "He's probably still deputy, and I've had a lot of kids. I don't know. I'm probably miserable, and then I'm sure a lot of murdering will happen." [AP]
• Flavor Flav entered a Doritos commercial contest "randomly and unprovoked" and his spot is "pretty damn good." [Page Six]
• Sigourney Weaver has been named in a £3.1 million lawsuit over a business deal involving Vincent Longo cosmetics, of which she is a part-owner. [Daily Express]
• Eva Longoria Parker has been named Philanthropist of the Year by The Hollywood Reporter. [THR]
• Did you know that Simon Cowell has an older sister named June Cowell? And that she was a child actress? And that she has lived in Majorca for more than 30 years? You do now. [Daily Mail}
• Shayne Lamas was busted for a DUI — she says she had only one drink. [TMZ]
• Did Farrah Fawcett have a "secret lover" in her will? [Daily Express]
• Uncle Jesse John Stamos gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today. [ONTD via NBC Los Angeles]
• Run, Fez, run! Wilmer Valderrrama will join a US Marine veteran on a 100-mile trek across Louisiana. [Page Six]
• If Aretha Franklin wants you to turn the air conditioning off, turn it off! Don't release voicemails and call her a diva. Jeez. [Gatecrasher]
• Hello, random: Donna Mills of Knots Landing is not a fan of Carrie Prejean. More specifically, she thinks the beauty queen should "shut her mouth." [TMZ]
• Black people: Omitted from the Couples Retreat poster in the UK. [Mail on Sunday]
• Lou Dobbs says his departure from CNN was "amicable." [NY Times]
• Yesterday in NYC, while attempting to break up a brawl at a club in Brooklyn, cops shot and killed a bouncer who had once been a bodyguard for Jay-Z, Mariah Carey and Diddy. [NY Post]
• At the link, discover how Led Zeppelin wrote "Stairway to Heaven." [NY Post]
• "I'm not moving to America, I will sometimes go there. I have to go there to make films. We do make films in England but it's more like a hobby. They're like 'Come along, we can make a film. Oh, and can you make the sandwiches?'" — Russell Brand. [Mirror]
• "I'm hoping the chemistry with Ellen will be great — and a great start to the season." — American Idol's Kara DioGuardi. [Reuters]
• "In hindsight, it was a magnificent thing for both of us in the sense that we got to see, both of us, really commit to this. A lot of marriages, it might take years and years for something to befall the relationship to see what are we made of. Are we gonna stand up when the storms come? And to see that that early on was really, it was life changing for me 'cause I knew I was with somebody that was in this. They're really, really in this. And so, I wanted to be in this, too. We both just stepped up to the plate, and she followed her heart, you know, God bless her. It was all life-changing." — Keith Urban, on going into rehab four months into his marriage to Nicole Kidman. [CBS News]
• "Having Jude Law licking my face for three days solid was a surreal experience. It was for a scene in 2007's Blueberry Nights. My character had passed out on a table and Jude had to come in and kiss some cream off the corner of my mouth. We did the take over and over again, so he kissed me about 90 times. There are worse ways to spend your day." — Norah Jones. [Daily Mail]
• "My life was kind of weird. My mother would cook, but we would get looked after by lots of maids. It felt like we lived in these big, enormous houses with lots of guests." — Carey Mulligan's father was a hotel executive, so she lived in hotels while growing up. [Reuters]
• "I can't answer it. The way I write, it's what makes me happy. Like, I can't write when people are looking over my shoulder. I am a little burned out on vampires right now. I think I need a little break. I might go spend some time with my aliens. I might do something completely different. I've got to cleanse the palate. I may come back to it. I did envision it as a longer series. But I wrapped ‘Breaking Dawn' in a way that I felt satisfied with, so if that moment didn't come, I'd be OK." — Stephenie Meyer on the possibility of a fifth Twilight book. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "My sister has an incredible body. I feel sorry for anyone who would judge her, because she's one sexy lady." — Ashlee Simpson. [People]
• "I hate doing school scenes and office scenes; I hate doing mall scenes… if I could do exciting genre films like this and be covered in blood and vomit for the rest of my life, I would be really happy." — Megan Fox. [Showbiz Spy]
• "I own the rights to (Oscar-winning Gone with the Wind co-star) Hattie McDaniel's life story, and I can't wait to tell that story, because that woman was absolutely amazing. She had to stand up to the adversity of black and white (society) at a time when we really weren't accepted. Mr. Lee Daniels is going to direct it, of course, and I'm going to be Miss Hattie McDaniel. I really hope I can do that woman justice." — Mo'Nique. [Reuters]
• "I love to get on that stage, honey, and make you laugh until you pee on yourself… That's my baby. I will never stop stand-up. I will be 97 years old, with two teeth and maybe a bit of hair, and I will be on that stage hoping they're having as much (fun) as I'm having." — Mo'Nique. [Reuters]
• "I feel bad for kids who are just getting famous now. If Reality Bites had come out now and I had all those people Gawker-stalking me, my life would have been hell. I feel bad for the way pop culture seems to be eating itself alive. It ends up belittling everybody."— Ethan Hawke. [NY Post]
• "When I was very young, I used to see books as the thing keeping everyone from playing with me. So there'd be long stretches in the afternoons when everyone was off in their reading corners, sprawled on couches. And I would go up to them and do this little dance to try and break their concentration, which of course they never did: ‘I'm bored!' ‘Go read a book!' ‘I'm bored!' ‘Go read a book!' And of course, now I dream of having long stretches when I'll be able to read a book." — Olivia Wilde, on being the child of writers. [New York Magazine]
• "My mother was a major fashion inspiration. Though she often wore simple housecoats with penny loafers - and usually had a Pall Mall Gold in one hand and a small glass of Scotch in the other, with an empty Hellmann's mayonnaise jar full of ice water nearby to use as a chaser - she could dress up fabulous when she wanted to. In her wedding photographs she wore a perfectly tailored navy blue coat with an off-white lining that had big, hand-painted navy blue flowers. She paired it all with navy pumps and a pillbox hat with an ivory veil. My mother certainly knew how to make an impression when she wanted to, both in the way she dressed and the way she acted. I definitely inherited those strengths from her." — America's Next Top Model's Miss J, in his new book. Do click and see the lovely vintage photo of his mother. [NY Daily News]
• "I'm like, let me get through the taping of Top Model cycle 3,413… Then I'll move to phase two, but I'm thinking about a perfume for tweens." — Miss J, on what he plans to do next. [NY Daily News]

Though women now comprise a majority of their viewership, late night remains stacked with men. Here's a breakdown based on Carter's piece:

"The Jay Leno Show": Zero.
"Late Show with David Letterman": Zero.
"The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien": Zero.
"The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson": One, apparently (his sister).
"Jimmy Kimmel Live!": One.
"The Colbert Report": One.
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": Two female writers just added.
"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:" Three out of "about a dozen."

So congratulations, Jimmy Fallon, on being the tallest dwarf! Of course, there is one break from this monotony, and it might not be a coincidence that the host is female!

"Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler": Five out of ten.

Which brings us to another point made in the piece: even if writers' rooms were full of women, nine times out of ten they'd still be writing for a male voice:

"When you're writing for late night, you're writing through one person's prism, and that person at the shows you're looking at is always a dude," said Hallie Haglund, one of the new writers on "The Daily Show. " Allison Silverman, who has served as the only woman writer first on "The Daily Show" then on Conan O'Brien's staff, said she had no trouble assuming the voices of male hosts. But she added, "I don't think the issue of sensibility is off base. The hosts and the staffs I worked on often resembled one another. Have you seen how many tall Irish people are on Conan's staff?"

Not surprisingly, the few women that did make it onto writing staffs have coped with being odd woman out with, well, humor:

"I would walk into Lizz [Winstead]'s office, where the writers were assembled to hear the day's jokes, and would want to exercise my executive producer privileges by sending half of them home to shower," Ms. Smithberg said in an e-mail message. "I wonder if the corollary we should be examining is between body odor and humor rather than gender and humor."

There's only one way to find out: hire more women writers. (And um, smell them.)

Among Late Night Shows, Few Women in the Room [New York Times]

Related: Letterman and Me [VF]

Image via The New Yorker

• Some people were offended by the jokes Alex Borstein made about Marlee Matlin's speaking voice on Sunday's Family Guy special. She says, "It was sick. It was twisted. It was rude... and I was glad to be part of it."

• "People love [Seth MacFarlane's] stuff. They don't pay him the big bucks for nothing," Matlin wrote in an email. "I want to do it again and BE the voice. BTW, it only would've been offensive if I hadn't laughed and I loved that you couldn't quite figure out if I was seriously angry at Alex or not!" [Hollywood Insider]
• Jon Voight says he and Angelina Jolie have reconciled. "We're in touch, but not regularly," he says. "We love each other and that's the most important thing." [Us]
• "Amy Winehouse is addicted to table tennis." [Mirror]
• John Travolta, who recently started playing tennis, says, "I play at midnight... Kind of vampire style." [People]
• The Twilight kids are on the cover of Entertainment Weekly this week and in the mag Taylor Lautner says, "Jacob and Bella are so open, and they can tell each other everything. So it was very important for me and Kristen to grow very close before doing this." [Just Jared]
• "The highlight of playing Jane [in New Moon]was getting to wear the costume and the red contact lenses and to play an evil character," says Dakota Fanning. "I think red eyes make everyone look very evil." [L.A.T.]
• If you want to watch Robert Pattinson talk about his facial hair, check out this video: [Pop Sugar]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have written a book called How To Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. [Ok]
• In the video at the link, Robert Halderman's lawyer explains that he wasn't trying to blackmail David Letterman, he was just giving him the right of first refusal on his screenplay. [TMZ]
• David Letterman's lawyer says he's "absolutely" ready to testify against Robert Halderman and is "fully prepared to see this case through to the end." [CBS News]
• Sad news: Though Celine Dion announced she was pregnant this summer, it was a misdiagnosis. Her husband Rene Angelil said, "We're living the reality of the majority of couples who face these procreation techniques." [Us]
• Sources say TLC's lawyers are watching all of Jon Gosselin's TV appearances so they can run a tab on how much money he's making since he allegedly violated his contract with the network. [TMZ]
• Shanna Moakler says she's "looking forward to seeing" Carrie Prejean's sex tape. [TMZ]
• Last night Susan Boyle sang on DWTS and got to meet her idol, Donny Osmond. "It is quite something to be in Hollywood," she explains. "This is a world I've never seen before and never dreamt that I would get to see," said Boyle, who added that Hollywood is, "Nothing a woman like me was used to. I have found Americans to be incredibly warm and friendly and very open." [People]
• Susan Boyle says after she became famous, "There were phone calls 24 hours a day. They kept me awake for three weeks, until I changed my number. It was constant... "It got to the stage where I couldn't even go outside because the media - American television crews, too - surrounded the house... Everything had built up, and I was exhausted. You have to understand, my life ceased to be normal." [Show Biz Spy]
• Joey Lawrence and his wife Chandie Yawn-Nelson are expecting their second child. [Us]
• Mickey Rourke says after his divorce from Carre Otis, "I don't want to live with an actress again, no matter how they look. I'm working opposite Megan Fox and Eva Green next, and I'm certainly not complaining. But I'll tell you, once bitten..." [Daily Express]
• Though Steven Tyler played with Aerosmith on Tuesday, Joe Perry says he still doesn't know if that means he's staying in the band. "I was totally surprised. I had no idea he was going to show up," said Perry. "All I know is we walked off stage and were sitting taking our break [before] the encore and there was a bunch of commotion and I looked up and Steven was there." [People]
• Halle Berry says she decided to get involved with Jenesse Center, a L.A. domestic violence shelter, because, "My mother was a battered woman and that was my childhood for a good chunk of it... I care, I really care about these women and children." [Us]
• John Cusack on being called an "everyman": "I've been called worse, but I'm not the best person to ask about that. I think it's a compliment if it's sort of a leading-man type compliment. You get the audience to sympathize with you ... it's kind of a cool thing to be an 'everyman' I guess." [BlackBook Magazine]
• Ian McKellen says sometimes gay actors ask him for advice about coming out and he says, "When I act, some people fancy me and some of them are women. There we are! What's the problem? They don't believe me when I say I am in love with a woman?...They don't believe me when I say I am a wizard? They believe me even though they know I am not. It's all nonsense. Everyone knows we are acting." [Reuters]
• Tori Amos says she did a lot of research before recording her holiday album Midwinter Graces because, "In order to make this kind of record and to have it work, I needed to know what the carol writers were doing, then you need to know the theology of where it came from in order to change it. I did change it in making it more inclusive rather than exclusive. Because some of these lyrics were written, it was in a very puritanical time. Women had no rights, they couldn't vote. Some of the music would've been fifteenth century." [N.Y. Magazine]
• You can stop holding your breath — Pamela Anderson says she'll never rekindle her romance with Tommy Lee again. "You can't get heartbroken any more over all the disappointments or how he is as a father or anything like that. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I do tell him the truth, but it's been 10 years of suffering over him so I'm over it," she says. "Whatever it is, it is - as long as my kids are happy and we're happy and we're safe, let him run around the world. I support him." [New]
• Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones has been very openly dating much younger women for over a year, but his wife Jo Wood just filed divorce papers accusing him of adultery. [TMZ]
• "I definitely keep myself secret," says Leona Lewis. "I went on a show watched by millions of people, so this might sound ridiculous, but I had no desire to be famous, and I still don't. I have this media persona – "She's a shy girl, really nice" – but you can't get to know someone like that. Unless you talk to me every day, you're not really going get a sense of me." [The Telegraph]
• James Franco says he doesn't think he can study in Columbia University's Butler Library anymore. He explains: "Last night I went in, I went into the restroom and this guy was in there and he's mumbling like, 'You're James Franco, right?' I'm like, 'Yeah, how's it going?' Basically, he said he was annoyed with me that I came to the library and that there are girls in the library. He didn't express himself. I think what he meant was that he thought I came to the library to meet young girls and he said it wasn't fair. And I tried to apologize for any disruption my presence had, but he was still annoyed. So I left and I went to the writing building, which is a little more private, but I have to sit there alone in the dark." [Gothamist]
• Jason Schwartzman, whose mom is Talia Shire, said, "I think it's an amazing thing that two words like 'Yo, Adrian' have been so unforgotten. People yell it out when you achieve something, or you've spent a lot of energy and you accomplish something. You yell it out like, 'I did it!' Growing up a lot of kids didn't know my mom [Talia Shire] was in Rocky. And we'd go to P.E. class and we'd have to go jogging; everyone would run up stairs and all the kids would yell it out. They didn't even know my mom was in the movie. It made me feel kind of awkward but also kind of so happy." [N.Y. Magazine]
• Hip-hop artists are "completely gay-friendly. Are you kidding me? Look at how they dress!" said Fergie. "Kanye West really did a great thing for hip-hop and made it very mixed and open." [MTV]

• In her book Still Standing Carrie Prejean says, "I believed then and I believe now that marriage should be a legally recognized sacrament between a man and a woman. If that makes me a bigot, so is Barack Obama."

• She continues, "I was not then, nor am I now, aspiring to be the next Anita Bryant. I am comfortable with all God's children. Civil unions between gay people, at least as a matter of law, have always been fine with me. If asked, I would have told you that I believed that gay couples should have visiting rights in the hospital, just like everybody else." [Radar Online]
• In the book Carrie Prejean also accuses Donald Trump of dividing up Miss USA contestants based on their looks. "Carrie should be ashamed of herself," says Trump. "Certainly I would never do a thing like that, because it would be too hurtful. I don't stand the ones that are less attractive to one side, and the beautiful ones on the other side. It was total nonsense — it was fiction in her imagination... I don't even know how she came up with an idea like that." [Extra]
• Shanna Moakler has apologized for calling Khloe Kardashian a "donkey" on The Wendy Williams Show. "I feel really bad. I shouldn't have said it," she says. "It was just an off-the-cuff statement." [Us]
• Joel and Benji Madden walked out of an Australian radio interview because the hosts tried a stupid stunt to test whether one twin can sense what the other is feeling. Benji was blindfolded and Joel was handed a the picture of Britney Spears getting out of a car sans underwear. Joel said, "I think I'm pretty laid back dude, but you guys are getting on my nerves," and they left. [Perez Hilton]
• Britney Spears addressed the Australian lip-synching incident — sort of. "I hear there is a lot of controversy in the media about my show," said Brit in a statement. "Some reporters have said they love it and some don't. I came to Australia for my fans!" [People]
• Dina Lohan has spoken out about Michael Lohan's near-daily release of private phone conversations saying, "The tapes were from a long time ago, and for a father to stoop this low is unforgivable... My ex-husband has been in and out of jail for 10 years. My children and I gave him a chance to get to know them again, and he clearly blew that chance!" [E!]
• Joe and Katherine Jackson were fighting in court today. Joe is objecting to the two men named as executors of Michael Jackson's will, but Katherine's lawyer says he has no right to object since he was cut out of the will. Joe claims the will is a forgery. [TMZ, TMZ]
• At the Glamour women of the year awards Rihanna said she feels she has a responsibility to speak out for other victims of domestic violence. "I'm really a woman, a human being," she said. "I go through real situations that women all over the world go through every day. It's great to have the opportunity to be a voice for those women." [People]
• Rihanna says her new album helped her deal with her feelings about Chris Brown. "I got to vent because I didn't really talk a lot. I didn't talk to a lot of people about anything I was feeling. I just did it on the record." [USA Today]
• David Letterman's accused extortionist Robert Halderman asked a judge to dismiss the charges against him because he says he was trying to sell a screenplay to Letterman and the so-called extortion was just "a pure commercial transaction." [TMZ]
• While David Letterman made it sound like his affair with Stephanie Birkitt was long over, according to papers filed by Robert Halderman it continued "unabated" into this past summer. [TMZ]
• Ozzy and Jack Osbourne donated $4,500 to the Muncie, Indiana police department where Jack filmed the reality show Armed & Famous so they could buy a new police dog. [CBS News]
• Kelly Osbourne has lost 25 pounds on DWTS but it wasn't easy. "I'm fucking starving right now!" she says. [Us]
• Katy Perry introduced Russell Brand to her parents. "I've had the privilege of meeting Katy's family. I always get along with spiritual people," he says. "For me the things that happen on a higher level are more important than transient things." [Ok]
• Katy Perry wore a bustier and hot pants made from West Ham jerseys while hosting the MTV European Music Awards to impress Russell Brand. He Tweeted: "MY GIRLFRIEND has worn a West Ham basque while hosting the EMA's. What a day!" [People]
• Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis, her husband of eight years, have separated. [E!]
• Shaquille O'Neal's wife Shaunie has filed for a legal separation "with intent to divorce" citing irreconcilable differences. They have four minor children. [TMZ]
• Joss Stone has enraged anti-drug activists by saying, "Weed has been given this evil stamp, but how is it dangerous? It's going to make you laugh your arse off? You might go to sleep? I think alcohol is much more harmful. People beat the fuck out of each other on alcohol. But I don't smoke weed all day long. I live in Devon and hardly ever go to clubs. When I do, I'll drink three or four beers then move on to a vodka. I don't want to take all those horrible drugs. Although some sound fun, so I might dabble now and then!" [Daily Mail]
• Simon Cowell is the top-earning man on prime-time U.S. television with an estimated yearly income of $75 million. [Reuters]
• Levi Johnston says Sarah Palin "doesn't bother me ... Just because she ran for vice president and was governor of Alaska doesn't intimidate me... I wouldn't want her running my country." [ET]
• A judge has ruled that TLC can depose Kate Major in their lawsuit against Jon Gosselin. [Radar Online]
• Jon Gosselin is counter suing TLC for $5 million. [Radar Online]
• On last night's episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, Kate Gosselin looked back at a clip of a past show in which Jon Gosselin said to her, "When are you going to pull the stick out." Kate says: "Perhaps [that] was a sign of things to come." [Us]
• A judge has granted Jennifer Lopez a temporary restraining order barring her ex-husband Ojani Noa from releasing 11 hours of video taken during their honeymoon. [AP]
• Oprah Winfrey will air a rare interview with Stephenie Meyer on Friday. "Since I'm only doing one interview, better make it really, really big," wrote Meyer on her blog. [People]
• "These jeans are a few days old, but the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can't stand the air around me. I don't know, my personal hygiene – it's so disgusting!" — Robert Pattinson [Us]
• Katie Price is returning to the British version of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, making her the only celebrity to go to the jungle twice. [Daily Mail]
• First Kristin Cavallari dating Audrina Patridge's ex Justin Bobby and now she's dating Audrina's other ex, Tal Cooperman. "It's not for the show. They hit it off and have been hanging out off-camera," said a source. [People]
• Dave Grohl says he always knew Kurt Cobain would die young. "There are some people that you meet in life that you just know that they are not going to live to be a hundred years old. In some ways, you kind of prepare yourself emotionally for that to be a reality." [Daily Express]
• John Cusack says he agreed to star in 2012 because, "I just liked the script... I got offered it and it was definitely the A-plus version of these movies, as far as the kind of movie it was and the budget and the script. Usually these movies go to whoever the biggest box-office star in the world was, but Roland wanted me to do it and he's a very powerful director. It's not easy to get these roles. It would go to Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, anybody who's the biggest box-office star." [N.Y. Magazine]
• Chiwetel Ejiefor says the paparazzi were ruthless with Angelina Jolie while they were filming Salt. "More so than other people, they were sort of everywhere, and there were a lot of paparazzi and stuff. But I think she handles it incredibly well. I don't really know how she does it, but definitely she is able to do the work but also be very gracious with them, and it's really quite interesting to watch," he said. [BlackBook Magazine]
• When asked if she ever craves meat now that she's vegan Alicia Silverstone said, "Craving is a complicated word... what craving actually is versus what you think you want. There are times that, if there is nothing else around...suddenly a cheese plate goes by, then sometimes I'll think 'Oh, I want some cheese.' But over the years, I've scratched that itch at different times, and I've come to realize that it's not better than anything else I'm eating." [WSJ]
• Jake Gyllenhaal says in his new film Prince of Persia, "There's a whole scene with ostriches in the movie and ... They're all real ostriches, highly paid, and we were all briefed on them for weeks before like 'They're these massive destructive creatures that can tear your heart out with their claws.' I swear to God I never thought of an ostrich this way! ... I walked up to it and one of my stuntmen was in the ring with them, and finally, I was like, "When am I going to be in a fucking cage with ostriches again in my life? I gotta get in here!" So I got in there and they were the sweetest things." [ONTD]
• In an interview about the season finale of Mad Men Matthew Weiner said there's no chance Betty and Don will reconcile. "It's so unambiguous to me that this marriage is over, but the audience seems to cling to the idea that they should be together because we want to believe in those things," he said. "The marriage was not good. It was built on a lie and the lie was exposed. In the end, Don coming clean really damaged his relationship with her, more than the lying, her seeing who he actually was." [Daily Beast]

• Madonna is in Brazil, but not to meet Jesus' parents. She says:

"I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Her Madgesty is sponsoring a documentary about kids living in the squalid hillside slums. [Page Six]

• Guess who was seeing Heath Ledger when he died? Lindsay Lohan. Her mom, Dina, tells Michael Lohan about it in this — you guessed it — recorded phone conversation. In the audio, Dina says Lindsay "cannot be alone" and sleeps with Dina when she is home because she has fears of being alone. [Radar Online]
• In a newly released 2008 taped phone call between Lindsay Lohan's assistant, Jenni Muro, and Michael Lohan, the former says: "I am trying to save your daughter's life every day." Muro was also pissed she had to relocate to NYC so LL could be on Ugly Betty, saying: "I get a 5% commission on this entire TV show and it's sick and disgusting and I'm here and I give up my boyfriend and my dog and my parents and my new place in LA and everything so that your daughter doesn't kill herself, ok?" [ONTD via Radar]
• A recent Tweet from Lindsay Lohan: "i'm a regular person to.. i sleep, eat, laugh, cry, shower, have blood running through my veins, i have a heart, etc etc- lol" [Twitter]
• People: I have seen a clip of Lady Gaga's new video, "Bad Romance," and there is latex and implied violence and dancing! The full video debuts Monday, and Ms. Gaga says: "There's this one shot in the video where I get kidnapped by supermodels. I'm washing away my sins and they shove vodka down my throat to drug me up before they sell me off to the Russian mafia." In addition, Gaga wears razor-blade sunglasses: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths. That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.'" [MTV News]
• Amy Winehouse loves her new boobs and now wants butt implants to get that "pin-up look." [The Sun]
• Joe Halderman — the CBS news producer accused of trying to extort cash from David Letterman — goes to court today for the first hearing in his criminal case. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Joe Halderman's friends are helping him pay his legal bills. [TMZ]
• Justin Timberlake has been dealing with a stalker, and submitted a statement to a judge yesterday which read: "I fear for my personal safety." He called the behavior of woman in question "ever-increasing, aggressive and harassing." [TMZ]
• At the link, James Franco talks about his upcoming stints on 30 Rock and General Hospital. Of doing a soap opera, he says: "It's been a blast so far. It was kind of mind-blowing. I've worked one day on it. It's one day of a few. But I think we packed seven episodes of my material in." He also reveals that he has not worn an eyepatch. Yet. [NY Magazine]
• Oh dear: Tracy Morgan's stand-up show at Carnegie Hall was so crazy, people walked out. And not crazy in the good way — he called homosexuality a choice and joked, "Obama is really changing the White House, because he and Michelle will have the first presidential sex tape out." [Gatecrasher]
• "Dr. Conrad Murray was on the phone with his girlfriend as Michael Jackson was dying." [TMZ]
• Joe Jackson is being meddlesome with the executors of Michael Jackson's will. [CNN]
• Naomi Campbell is going on a month-long, £1 million vacation with boyfriend Vladislav Doronin, and she is calling it a honeymoon, though they're not married. Grain of salt on this one. [The Sun]
• Levi Johnston has Tweeted: "BREAKING NEWS !!!! SNL APPEARANCE THIS SAT… you hear it first !!!" My guess is that he'll be in the news segment, but you never know — we could get a Tina Fey/Sarah Palin appearance! [MSNBC Scoop]
• Levi Johnston is reportedly going to file for joint custody of his son Tripp. [Page Six]
• Ugh. Carrie Prejean's autobiography is out so she is still in the damn spotlight. She claims the Miss California USA pageant director pressured her into getting a boob job. [Radar Online]
• By the by, Carrie Prejean says her "solo sex tape" was the biggest mistake of her life. [TMZ]
• Director Lee Daniels is not pushing for an Oscar for Precious: "It scares me," he says. When he first heard Oscar talk, "I was completely thrown off guard. I was like … Oscar who? Oscar de la Renta?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Actress Emma Thompson's art project takes viewers on 'Journey' of sex slave" [NY Daily News]
• John Travolta has to promote his new flick Old Dogs, even though he is struggling to get by since the death of his son. He says: "
  "We've been working very hard every day as a family to heal. We have our own way of doing it, and it has been helping." [USA Today]
• Congrats to Halle Berry, who will receive the Sherry Lansing Leadership Award at The Hollywood Reporter's 18th annual Women in Entertainment breakfast presented by Lifetime. Past recipients include Barbara Walters, Meryl Streep, Jodie Foster and Glenn Close. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Entourage's Kevin Connolly gambles and hangs with Playmates. [Page Six]
• Donald Trump and Omarosa will be reunited for Omarosa's new dating reality show on TV One, called Omarosa's Ultimate Merger, on which she tries to choose a love interest from a selection of 12 bachelors. [Variety]
• Boo: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukemia. [People]
• "The only thing worse than Aerosmith with Steven Tyler is Aerosmith without Steven Tyler." [NY Post]
• Hot hottie Jason Lewis — you know, he played hottie Smith Jerrod — has been cast as the lead in a new show called Rio! He'll play an international detective (?!?!) who goes to Brazil to investigate a crime… and decides to stay after enjoying the city, its beaches and nightlife. It's Miami Vice and Magnum PI and maybe even Hawaii 5-0. Also, he's hot. [Page Six]
• Someone spilled a drink on Russell Simmons at a party. [Page Six]
• Twilight's Christian Serratos is getting naked for a PETA ad. She's 19. [Gatecrasher]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Kelly Kapowski is pregnant. [Gatecrasher]
• Whatshisname sued a tabloid magazine and won libel damages. [BBC News]
• "When you hear the phrase 'only in America,' it means something extraordinary, something extreme, something good. But if someone were to say ‘only in Britain,' it would be something damp, miserable, no, not until Wednesday and then it's unlikely." — Stephen Fry is promoting Stephen Fry In America and might come live in the U.S. [Daily Express]
• "If he wanted to go down that road he probably would have done so by now. And I think he is a very solid and faithful person." — Mel Gibson's girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, who has dated Mel and given birth while he's still legally married to his wife of 29 years. [MSNBC]
• "There wasn't going to be any more Juliet, and now there is going to be more Juliet. That's all I can say. I wish I could say more. I don't really like to be so close-lipped, but it kind of just goes with the show." — Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell. [USA Today]
• "How do I still look good? I owe 30 per cent to genes, 30 per cent to good sex, 30 per cent because of sports and healthy lifestyle with proper nutrition and for the remaining 10 per cent – I have to thank my plastic surgeon. I'm 71 and physically don't feel so good since I'm in pain. But I'm happier, the sex is better and I understand life better. I don't want to be young again." — Jane Fonda just had spine surgery, a new knee and hip made of titanium, but she had to get herself repaired because she wants to climb the Himalayas. [Telegraph]
• "I smoke weed, but I don't think it's really a drug. 'It's more of a herb. I don't regret saying that at all. I think everyone smokes weed and people who say they don't are lying! Weed has been given this evil stamp, but how is it dangerous? It's going to make you laugh your arse off? You might go to sleep? I think alcohol is much more harmful. People beat the f**k out of each other on alcohol." — Joss Stone should change her name to Joss Stoned. [Daily Mail]
• "I really enjoy acting. I like being in front of the camera. I think I should be an action star." — Serena Williams, that makes two of us. [NY Daily News]
• "Elevators scare me — just being stuck without phone service when you're alone. Small spaces are fine, if I'm with someone in an elevator fine, but I will not buy an apartment on the 14th floor of a building that's for sure, I've gotta be able to walk. … The unknown is very scary. …I'm scared of a lot of women, certain women because I guess I don't have a lot of confidence in myself, I don't know what it is." — Amanda Seyfried. [Mirror]
• "We're discovering who the enemy are, and I do think we do have an enemy. It means that everyone's got to go on fighting. And in what way you fight, well, it depends who you are… You can write a letter, you can talk about it to your congressperson… you can talk to people in bars… Or you can go on marches, or you can go and break windows." — Sir Ian McKellan on the fight for gay marriage. [Page Six]

• Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband Ojani Noa for $10 million and demanding he stop production of the film How I Married Jennifer Lopez, which includes video of the couple in "sexual situations" on their honeymoon.

• A judge has granted a temporary restraining order blocking distribution of the film until the next hearing, which is scheduled for tomorrow. [Reuters, AP]
• Michael Lohan has released another taped phone call. This one is between Michael and Lindsay Lohan's former assistant, Jenni Muro, who says she thinks Lindsay may hurt herself. Muro says she wants to quit because, "I am trying to save your daughter's life every day," but, "I don't want it on my watch either" if she does kill herself. She also calls Lindsay's relationship with Samantha Ronson "unhealthy" and "an addiction." [Radar Online]
• Jenni Muro says she's planning on sending Michael Lohan a cease and desist letter for secretly taping their conversations. She calls his behavior "way beyond low." [TMZ]
• The Consumer Product Safety Commission says Jon Gosselin should have never let his five-year-olds on his ATV because, "Children under 6 should never be on an ATV — either as a driver or a passenger... Children are involved in about one-third of all ATV-related deaths and hospital emergency room injuries." [Radar Online]
• Jon Gosselin is counter suing TLC for $5 million. [Radar Online]
• Justin Timberlake's lawyer was furious in court today that a judge is demanded JT testify in court if he wants his restraining order against alleged stalker Marty Singer made permanent. He says Justin is currently filming a movie and can't miss a day to appear in court. [TMZ]
• The judge granted Justin Timberlake a permanent restraining order after his lawyer submitted a written declaration from Justin. [TMZ]
• In the video at the link, stripper Nicole Forrester is shown taking the polygraph test, which supposedly found she's telling the truth about sleeping with Josh Duhamel. She says, "I honestly didn't know he was married... I said, 'Are you Fergie's husband?' He was like, 'Don't ask me any personal questions. You know what you know so let's just drop it.'" [Radar Online]
• Fergie and Josh Duhamel spent the weekend apart because she was working in the U.K., so clearly their marriage is on the rocks. [Us]
• Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson are back together and there are rumors that they're planning a wedding, but he says, "They've been saying that for years and you don't see a ring on my finger... I guess it just sounds good to have that rumor this time of the year or something." [People]
• Just so you know, Jackie Jackson say's Dr. Arnie Klein's admission that Michael Jackson liked to pee in cups in front of other people is not true. [TMZ]
• Michael Jackson's former doctors are feuding. Dr. Steven Hoefflin says Dr. Arnold Klein, "knew Michael was a narcotic addict yet he repeatedly injected him, probably with others in his office assisting him, 51 times over three months with a minimum of 100mg of Demerol and charged him a large amount of money." [TMZ]
• Madonna is heading to Rio to visit the city's slums. State Governor Sergio Cabral says, "She will get to know some social projects; she is enchanted with Rio and wants to help." [Reuters]
• The manager of Guy Richie's London pub The Punch Bowl is asking Richie's celebrity friends to sign a petition to keep the bar open to fight local residents who say the bar is too noisy. [Daily Express]
• In her new book Carrie Prejean accuses Miss California USA director Keith Lewis of pushing her to get a boob job and says he ran his hands all over her body and examined her breasts while she was standing in Shanna Moakler's living room in a bikini in front of other pageant judges. [Radar Online]
• Oksana Grigorieva says Mel Gibson is a "very hands-on" father to their newborn daughter. "He has been very dtoing and nurturing," she says. [People]
• Paris Hilton is threatening to sue a New Zealand company for advertising empty billboard space by posting her picture with the word "vacant" stamped across it. [Daily Express]
• Russell Brand is selling his London home and you can check out pictures of the interior here: [London Brick Work]
• Ashee Simpson will play Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago for six weeks starting in December. She has already played the role in London. [People]
• John Travolta says that, since his son Jett's death, "We've been working very hard every day as a family to heal... We have our own way of doing it, and it has been helping." Kelly Preston says the family has been receiving an "outpouring of love from, really, worldwide. It's been our friends, our family, our church. We partake in spiritual counseling pretty much daily." [ET]
• Rihanna made a surprise appearance last night at Jay-Z's concert at UCLA. Watch it here: [Perez Hilton]
• Kristen Stewart says since she started filming of New Moon Taylor Lautner has, "Literally become a different person. He's just grown up. He's so confident and the nicest guy that I've ever met. I know that I'm using this grammatically incorrect but he's the funnest guy I've ever hung out with. So he's great. I'm so proud of him." [People]
• Taylor Lautner was asked if it's weird to date Taylor Swift because they have the same name. "It gets confusing definitely," he said. "And it's weird calling somebody your name." [Extra]
• Backstage at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 25th Anniversary Concert Art Garfunkel asked for a tissue. A staffer said they were running late but could stop in a bathroom. "He literally stopped walking and refused to go another step until he got a tissue," a source said. "He was behaving like such a child. He was very agitated and angry. And this is a guy who's been busted for marijuana possession! Shouldn't he be calmer?" He was offered a paper towel but threw it back yelling, "I said a tissue!" [Radar Online]
• Ryan Seacrest's alleged stalker, Chidi Uzomah, sent the campus of Cal State Dominquez Hills into a panic last year when he walked around in camouflage holding a dummy rifle after ROTC training. [TMZ]
• The Disney Channel has ordered a second season of Jonas, the Jonas Brother's show. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Kate Winslet has been nominated for a European Film Award for The Reader. [Daily Express]
• When asked if the rumors that she's starring in Resident Evil: Afterlife are true Eva Mendes said, "God, no! No, no, no! Never!" [Daily Express]
• Though it was assumed that Joe Halderman would try to make a plea agreement in the David Letterman extortion case, his lawyer said, "there's nothing in the pipeline other than preparing a case for trial." [N.Y. Observer]
• Tiffani Theissen and her husband, Brady Smith, are expecting their first baby in May. [People]
• Maksim Chmerkovskiy has already been voted off DWTS, but he advises, "Mya needs to step it up because she has been a frontrunner the whole time and now she's kind of ‘pfft.'" [People]
• Lamar Odom was in a car accident in 2007 and offered the victim a settlement, but she refused and has filed a lawsuit against him. [TMZ]
• A judge has ruled that Warren Beatty can go ahead with his lawsuit against the Tribune Co over the right to the Dick Tracy comic strip. [Reuters]
• Mario Lopez introduced his girlfriend Courtney Mazza to his mom at a recent dinner in San Diego. "Everyone was laughing and having a good time," says an eyewitness. "There was never an awkward moment." [Star]
• W editor Kevin West said during her cover shoot Demi Moore, "was like a newlywed in love, talking about how wonderful [Ashton] was and how much the relationship meant to her. She basically said when they met it was love at first sight." [W]
• Jennie Garth says her character won't break up Debbie and Harry Wilson on 90210. "I'm not a big fan of that storyline," she said. "It's just bizarre and weird. I don't think it's going to go anywhere. I'm not going to let Kelly be a homewrecker, so there's no place for it to really go." [E!]
• Leighton Meester says she's never been intimidated by fashion. "My mother always had a great sense of style. I always looked up to her. Ever since [Gossip Girl] I can differentiate between the character and myself. It gave me a launching point to develop my own sense of style," she says. [W]
• Peter Andre is still mad at Jordan for revealing that she had an abortion during their marriage. "Pete has always been passionately anti-abortion and Jordan knows that," says a source. "It's terrible she feels the need to talk about this so publicly. It drags up a whole lot of emotions for Pete when he just wants to move on. Pete keeps thinking about those lost children." [News Of The World]
• Sophia Loren says of working with Daniel Day-Lewis on Nine, "Daniel is incredible. He is hypnotic, magical, beautiful and brilliant; but he is also very scary. Every time I did a scene with him he was so deep and so real that it was almost intimidating." [Daily Express]
• Last night's third-season finale of Mad Men drew 2.32 million viewers, making it the most watched finale in the show's history. [Media Week]
• In an interview with John Slattery and Talia Balsam, who are married in real life and divorced on Mad Men, Slattery says it's different working with your spouse because, "You don't have to create a history – we did that scene where I have a heart attack, she comes in and I mean I fell apart because you're pretending to have a heart attack, it's supposed to be scary, you conjure up whatever it is that's going to get you to that place, then Talia walks in and if someone who wasn't Talia walked in playing my wife, it probably wouldn't have been as emotional." [If Magazine]
• Jon Hamm says, "A lot of people, especially this season, are very frustrated and angry with Don and his choices and his decisions. But something to understand about the guy is he's significantly damaged... I do think he loves his family very much. I think he's hard time expressing — or at least maintaining — that and still be true to himself. It's a difficult line to walk. What I enjoy about him as an actor is walking that line. And that's what makes it difficult to watch as a viewer. You're by turns transfixed and repulsed by this guy." [AMC]

• Hailey Glassman's claim on The Insider that Jon Gosselin emotionally abused her was actually made up by Jon himself. A source said, "Jon and Hailey get paid for their appearances on these shows and they need the money..."

• "It was easy for Hailey to conjure tears, their lives are less than stellar right now, but Jon hasn't abused [her]," continues the source. "Jon doesn't have much money left and he is not currently searching for a real job. Jon still seeks money through his fame and notoriety. He really wants a reality show of his own, and he is stretching out every moment of the drama for a dollar." [Fox News]
• Kate Gosselin says, "When you look around, and very close trusted people who would never cash you in, for lack of better words, and those people do that and people leave your house and tell completely different stories, you tend not to trust people." [People]
• Kate Gosselin was given a speeding ticket for going 15 miles above the speed limit while her kids were in the car on Thursday. She has already paid the $109.50 fine. [TMZ]
• Vibe's new owners are relaunching the magazine, and they're drumming up interest by putting Chris Brown on the cover of the new issue, which comes out on December 8. [AdAge]
• Lindsay Lohan isn't actually trying to get a restraining order against her father, Michael Lohan, but her mother is. Dina has been asking Lindsay's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, to go to court on Lindsay's behalf, but she keeps telling her Lindsay is an adult and will have to ask for it herself. Holley says Lindsay hasn't told her that she wants a restraining order. [TMZ]
• Courtney Ames, one of the people accused of burglarizing celebrities, is wearing one of Lindsay Lohan's necklaces in a file found on the computer of another alleged burglar. This supports the theory that the burglars were targeting specific items. [TMZ]
• Randy and Evi Quaid skipped two hearings related to their arrest for failing to pay hotel bills last week. The Santa Barbara D.A. said he was going to extradite them from Texas, but now their request to appear in court today has been granted. The D.A. says, "The case has been put on the calendar this morning. They will be held on the $20,000 bail set in the original, and still outstanding, warrant." [Radar Online]
• In Vanity Fair, Robert Pattinson insists he and Kristen Stewart aren't dating but, "It doesn't make any difference what you say," to the tabloids. "I've literally been across the country [from Kristen], and it's like 'Oh, they were on secret dates!' It's like 'Where? I can't get out of my hotel room!'" [People]
• Kristen Stewart is quoted in the Vanity Fair article as saying, "It's so retarded. We're characters in this comic book." [The Telegraph]
• Whitney Houston is selling the New Jersey home she shared with Bobby Brown for $5.6 million. [People]
• Chidi Uzomah, the man arrested for stalking Ryan Seacrest, was taking acting classes and you can check out video of one of his performances here: [TMZ]
• Chidi Uzomah is in the Army Reserves and was trained to be in the Green Berets. An Army spokesman said, "We apologize to Ryan Seacrest. Pending the outcome of the local investigation, the Army will decide what further action to take. We take all matters of our personnel seriously." [TMZ]
• Adam Lambert and boyfriend Drake LaBry officially have split up. "It was mainly because Adam's life is so hectic," says a friend. "He needs to focus on his career right now." [People]
• Audio 4 Video Digital, Inc. has filed a $736,502.59 creditor's claim against Michael Jackson's estate for rented sound recording and audio equipment "in connection with the making of a musical." [TMZ]
• Sidney Lumet will be honored by Italy's Federico Fellini Foundation with a lifetime achievement award on Saturday. [Variety]
• Devendra Banhart, who dated Natalie Portman, says after their breakup they're on "Very good terms. She's one of my best friends. I love her super-much. Super-much." [N.Y. Magazin]
• Though in the past Jessica Simpson has encouraged her Twitter followers to watch her sister Ashlee Simpson-Wentz on Melrose Place, she Tweeted yesterday: "CW catching up on MP.who writes this crap?i have had bad scripts to work with,but this?thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press." [Us]
• Mary Stuart Masterson gave birth to her first son with husband Jeremy Davidson on October 11. [People]
• Nicole Eggert says she didn't realize she'd put on 30 pounds until the tabloids pointed it out. "At first I didn't recognize myself. It said, 'Baywatch Babe.' And then I looked at it, and then I went, 'Oh my God,'" she said. "I went through a really rough time … I lost my father in a really tough battle with cancer, and I also went through a bad relationship." [UPI]
• Sherri Shepherd says she wants the ladies of The View to help her find a husband. She says, "I do trust them. I'm finding that everyone who meets a really good guy was on a blind date. So yeah, I'm ready for the ladies of The View to set me up on a blind date. I even asked Larry King if he knew somebody." [People]
• "Elephants are the most incredible creatures I've ever been around. You're sitting in this water that they poop in, and somehow it's not gross. You're scrubbing the bottom of their feet and behind their ears…" — Blake Lively on riding elephants during her recent vacation to Thailand, India, and the Maldives. [Just Jared]
• Jay Leno says he doesn't know whether David Letterman's sex scandal is helping or hurting Dave. "He's not being a hypocrite; Dave has never set himself up as [a model citizen]," says Jay. "If it were me, it would kill me. I'm the guy who's been married 29 years. But Dave has never pretended to be Mr. Moral America, he's never set himself up that way. He's not a hypocrite. I don't know how it will be viewed. He doesn't do corporate days like me, he's not as advertiser-friendly as I am. I'm the guy when Coke or Pepsi is here, I come down and shake hands and take pictures, but he doesn't do that. I don't think it will have a big effect at all." [Broadcasting Cable]
• Gabourey Sidibe says of meeting Oprah Winfrey while filming Precious, "Unfortunately, I forgot everything about it... It's so weird, because she's such a big deal to me, that when she speaks, I don't hear anything. It's like it's so weird. It's like hysterical blindness in a way. All I can remember is her saying my name over and over, and that can't be right." [AP]
• Julian Casablancas of The Strokes says he decided to stop drinking because it was taking over his life. "I've always worked sober," he said. "Room On Fire [The Strokes' second album]... that was done sober. You know, drinking is what happens once the work is done. It wasn't like I would sit in my room with a guitar and think, 'hey, nothing's happening... let me drink a bottle of whiskey and write a song'." [The Independent]
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar, who is making his theater debut in the off-Broadway show The Understudy says, "A lot of questions my character brings up are some of the questions I had. What's a half-hour call? What's the process of an understudy? So, the understudy is really never gonna go on?' I had the same questions that Jake has in the play. I had to ask what the fourth wall was. The script says, Justin breaks the fourth wall. I said, 'Fourth wall? Where?'" [AP]