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The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies

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CollegeCamel
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
Should I marry my boyfriend (as I intend to), we will have the reverse situation where I have the awesome MIL and he has the absolutely fucking horrifying one. My mother makes no attempt to hide her contempt for the poor boy. His mom tells me she loves me and considers me a part of the family. I've already told him we're going to spend holidays with his family once we're on our own.
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The Queen of No
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
The only nightmare in-law's I've ever encountered personally are my maternal grandmother and my dad's sisters. My aunts are such critical snide bitches to my uncle's romantic partners, so much so that my mom and stepmom honestly seem forever scarred (PTSD) by them. My grandmother is the same with my mom's boyfriend and even my boyfriends sometimes. Thankfully none of my boyfriends have ever had annoying mothers like how this book suggests. Knock on wood...
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myblueheaven
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
My MIL doesn't have a creepy relationship with mr.blueheaven or anything, but she can be uber-annoying. She is one of those people who can NEVER EVER say what she wants. I think it is a byproduct of her upbringing in the 50s and 60s and being taught never to be too aggressive or demanding ('cause no one likes a pushy broad). I can understand it on an intellectual level, but sometimes it makes me want to tear my hair out.

Every conversation goes like this:

Me: What time do you want us to come over?

Her: Oh, anytime is fine!

Me: How about in the morning?

Her: Um, well, OK, it's just that I have so much work to do in the morning and I have to go to the dry cleaners...

Me: OK, how about after babyblue's nap, say around 4?

Her: Whenever works best for you. Anytime is fine - really. Don't worry, I'll just rearrange my dentist's appointment. My tooth only hurts in the morning anyway.

Me: Would it be better if we came over another day?

Her: Well, if you don't want to come over...I don't want to be a bother...I know you're busy....It's just that I rarely get to see babyblue....I hope he doesn't forget who I am....

Makes me want to SCREAM!!!!

But overall, I know that I'm not too bad off.
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PhDork
12/01/08

@myblueheaven: That is passive agression, and it is hateful, hateful stuff. When my mom starts going down that road, I lose ALL patience and tell her in no uncertain terms to cut it out. To please take me at my word. Harder to do w/ a MIL, though. My default setting is to always have the adult child set up stuff w/ his/her parent, rather than defaulting to the wife-as-social-organizer.
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Brigit
12/01/08

@PhDork: That's the most comfortable arrangement. Mr.B can deal with his mom because he can get all authoritative with her. I won't, it's not my job.
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prestocaro fears the culling
12/01/08

@myblueheaven: I come from a family of passive aggressives, so here's how my conversation goes:

Me: What time do you want us to come over?

Her: Oh, anytime is fine!

Me: OK, We'll be over at 11.

Her: Um, well, OK, it's just that I have so much work to do in the morning and I have to go to the dry cleaners...

Me: OK, 12 then. See you later! >Click<
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
Oh, man. This has been on my mind for some time now. BF and I are going to be married at some point within the next 2 yrs, I love him to distraction and he feels the same. The future MIL is something of a thorn in my side. His parents live LESS THAN A MILE from us. Yes, LESS THAN A MILE. He and his mom talk, on average, 8x per day. Yes yes, yall, AN AVERAGE OF 8 (EIGHT) TIMES PER DAY. And half of those times are him calling her. It's weird, because he and his fam do not have an affectionate relationship, just a sort of ultra-involved one. He and his dad are close too, but nowhere near as close as he and mom. It irks me, to say the least. And he's really very independent, otherwise. He doesn't call her for advice or anything, more like he has something to mention or some shit. She's always been very nice to me, and I guess that's something, but she's nice to everyone. She's just extremely involved in her children's lives. Like, really involved. Excessively. He can't understand why I don't talk to my mom every day; he's asked me several times before if she hasn't called me for a few days, if she's mad at me for something. I'm like, no, we just don't talk every five seconds. Now that I'm an adult, my parents and I treat eachother as equals. We've always had a great relationship and we love eachother fiercely, but that cord was cut looong ago. Of course I can't come right out and say anything about it, and my parents have advised me to just accept it because it's not gonna change. it's hard, though. I mean she's always asking if the dog is okay and should she go to our house and play with him or does he need bones or toys or what have you. He's asked her, "are you gonna be like this when we have a kid?" She swears she won't. See if you can guess whether or not I believe that. God. It could be much worse, I realize, but their relationship really does try my patience. One time, she called and he didn't answer because we were upstairs knockin' boots. When he did call her back later, she actually asked him what he'd been doing that he couldn't answer. I wanted to scream, "WE WERE FUCKING!" (I didn't.) Sorry this was so long-winded, obviously this is a subject near and dear to my cold, shriveled heart.
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SarahMC
12/01/08

@terribletwenties: Dear god. What could they possibly have to talk about eight times a day?! My boyfriend talks to his mom about once every week and a half. I guess when you live so close there's more to talk about, since you're seeing each other frequently and stuff... but my oh my.
Y'all are dealing with a bunch of Marie Barones in your lives. My condolences!
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
12/01/08

@SarahMC: Thanks. Yeah, she's well on her way to becoming a Barone/Costanza hybrid. And just to further the stereotype, they're Italian!! Hah! Go figure, as my dad says. Looks like I have some fun times in my future!!
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Brigit
12/01/08

@terribletwenties: Ay, looks like you are headed for 'good times'. I hope he is able to set boundaries at some point.
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
12/01/08

@terribletwenties: Also, I should point out that BF's dad is s doctor. Obviously his family is considerably well off. The way his mom is, though, you wouldn't know it. She's the type who steals all the little shampoos and soaps and shit from the hotels they stay in. She literally has a trash bag full of that crap. An actual trash bag. They go to Florida a few times per year, and to the Greenbriar resort and all. From what I understand, they were quite poor when they were married and he was still in med school, but give me a fuckin break, you live in a bajillion dollar house!! And drive a brand new Cadillac!! Pleh. It's just annoying. Really annoying.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/01/08

@terribletwenties: If he can't establish some boundaries, don't marry him. If you marry him, you have to be aware that you're getting his family and their relationships, as they are currently established. He's not going to change after you're married, and neither will she. In fact, she'll be in your business just as much as she's in his right now, and it will likely worsen after you have a kid. And if they're that well off, they may also try to control you with money. Trust me.
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Kittenish
12/01/08

@TheFormerJuneBronson: I TOTALLY second that!! Things will NOT change and if he can't set boundaries now, RUN!!!! (Sorry for the excessive use of caps and exclamation points, but I am quite passionate on this subject!)
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Ofmyself
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
I refused to visit my husband's family for the holidays this year because his mother is so bitchy to me. The MIL is a subtle, quiet kind of mean - like a jellyfish. I'll think we're finally getting along, and STING! - she makes some awful comment about me, my profession, my clothes, or the way I "take care" of her son. Her attitude not only makes me dislike her, but it makes me appear paranoid and overly fragile to others in the family, who don't witness the worst of her comments, as she saves those for when we are alone.

Also, I will never forgive her for criticizing absolutely everything about our wedding reception plans, refusing to stand in the receiving line, openly expressing her homophobic distaste of our gay and lesbian friends who were in attendance, and leaving halfway through the reception (before our first dance and the cake was cut). Worst. Behavior. Ever.
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AmberPulvillus
12/01/08

@Ofmyself:

I feel you on the bad wedding behavior. My MIL wore a miniskirt with a tight shirt CUT DOWN TO HER WAIST to my formal, evening wedding (she knew it was, and she is insanely wealthy, so it's not as though she couldn't afford a gown). She actually told one of the groomsmen that she hoped she didn't upstage me. Well, she did, but not in the way she hoped. I was fairly horrified by her utter lack of respect.
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prestocaro fears the culling
12/01/08

@AmberPulvillus: I hope someone makes a gallery of wedding photos like that. Spot the usurper! I just did the whole WE bridezilla marathon this weekend and my head is spinning over the many ways people try to upstage their friends/family
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littlekicks
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
what if you have the opposite problem? my bf's mom once asked him how many times i got off when we had sex (feel free to cringe/dry heave at any point). i tried to explain to him that she probably just wants to make sure we're happy in ALL areas of our relationship, but he was rightly freaked out. wonder what dr. family orgy has to say bout that!
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GoldenRatioφ (aka -girl11)
12/01/08

@littlekicks: I'm not sure that's the opposite problem....
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sansraisins
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
Anyone have trouble with the father-in-law? I really like my MIL, but the FIL is in love with himself and constantly talking about all the generous and amazing things he does, and how he is praying for me (I'm not religious and find it intolerable when someone tells me they're praying for me, like I'm doing something wrong and need to be saved, although my life lately is so lovely and blessed and I'm so happy that sometimes I wonder if it is making a difference and I should shut it). Anyway, I also feel objectified by him, definitely like he's in the marital bed with us, like his son marrying me puts me in his control, which puts me off sex with my lovely husband, and he's manipulative and passive aggressive and OMG, I can't stand him.
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GoldenRatioφ (aka -girl11)
12/01/08

@sansraisins: This is a friend's story, but her bf's father sounds generally intolerable, and is constantly making fun of his wife (bf's mother) and telling her to "shut up." She has MS, so she has some difficulties communicating. I guess over Thanksgiving, the brother (who is also awful) was telling a bunch of racist jokes, and his wife asked him to stop, and the father told his daughter in law to shut up, asking who wore the pants in the relationship. Yeah. I think with dads, you start to worry how much of that behavior rubbed off on the son, but so far my friend's bf seems really great and isn't overly fond of his father and brother.
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Brigit
12/01/08

@goldengirl11: What a bunch of a-holes!

My FIL is a misogynistic, egotistical hypoChristian. He cheated on my MIL, left her for the mistress, and used his family's political influence to never pay child support for his kids- even though he's wealthy- and on top of that treated them like crap. However, Mr.B despises the jerk so we almost never see him.
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PhDork
12/01/08

@sansraisins: Ugh. I'm not married, but my partner's dad is kind of a jerk, but it's clear that it's mostly coming from a place of insecurity in his "manliness" (I can't even think about that idea w/o scare-quotes. When I'm not irritated by him, I kinda pity him. Sounds like you FIL has some of that going on, too: look at me throw my weight around! I'm important! I hope you can stay away and/or get your H to go to bat for you when/if he acts inappropriately. Yuck-o.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
I've mentioned my MIL a number of times on here. After twelve years, I honestly couldn't tell you what her deal is. She's a flawed human being, like all of us, and so privileged that she thinks she isn't. She's also so certain that she's right that if you differ from her, she acts like you're speaking Martian. And she's raised her son to be something of a helpless slob.

Over the years, I've gone from finding her infuriating to finding her miserable to learning to treat her like a wacky elderly relative who never says the right thing and has an uncanny knack for dispensing advice where it isn't needed. My priorities are turning her son into an adult who cleans up after himself, or at least who earns enough to pay someone else to do it, and making sure she doesn't turn my son into a helpless slob also. Oh, and obtaining her house. She has a terrific historic home. I want to be first in line to buy it when they decide to retire.

The thing that kills me is that her own daughter lives 6000 miles away and visits only every other year. And she never thought to herself, gee, maybe I shouldn't treat my son's wife in such a way that she'll want to do the same. Too late, lady.
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RainyKate
12/01/08

@TheFormerJuneBronson: That never occurred to my MIL until my wedding day, by which time she had spent so many years deliberately trying to drive me away that she had pretty much guaranteed I would never be able to tolerate her for more than say, 24 hours. I never understood why she didn't just think ahead.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/01/08

@RainyKate: You know what they say: if you can't be a good example, serve as a horrible warning. That's how I think of my MIL. Horrible warning city.
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PhDork
12/01/08

@TheFormerJuneBronson: Your sanguinity in the face of crazy is admirable. Of course, the sweet house may have something to do with that...
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/01/08

@PhDork: She also babysits my son for free, and they have what is to me a lot of money, which they share. Really, we have much to be grateful for. It's just that she personally is so irritating that I sometimes don't think of the next thirty years with much equanimity.
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Brigit
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
Also, I pity whomever gets to marry my cousin. He's my same age (27), very very handsome, a recent med-school graduate, and a Hispanic momma's boy with a crazy possessive mom to boot. Run ladies, run.
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prestocaro fears the culling
12/01/08

@Brigit: I really think Hispanic men are the biggest momma's boys. Something about our culture not only accepts it, but fetishizes it. ugh.
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Brigit
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
My MIL would be like that- clingy, manipulative, and self-victimizing- but thankfully she has a crazy, nonsocial son that sets boundaries like there is no tomorrow. I fucking love the dude for that.
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TheGirlWithTheGoldenEyes
12/01/08

@Brigit:

Me too! That describes my life to a t. My boy's chronic shyness has definitely proved itself to be a saving grace.
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Brigit
12/01/08

@TheGirlWithTheGoldenEyes: Almost unrelated, I also have golden eyes, lol!
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jessicarabbit
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
I ran into a...weird...situation with my in-laws recently. My husband has Tuesdays off this fall, and his mom and grandma want to come over and do housework, fold his laundry, etc. I appreciate that they're wanting to be helpful, but at the same time, I feel like this sets a bad precedent. Surely my husband is capable of folding his own laundry (and I definitely don't want them rifling through MY laundry), and I don't like the idea of perpetuating the stereotype that women are the ones who do the housework. Plus, I'm feeling somewhat insulted. Does this mean they think he needs to be taken care of and I'm somehow not doing enough/not being a good enough housekeeper, etc? And at the same time, why should I be insulted? It's NOT MY JOB to do the entire house by myself...it's both of our responsibility. And it's not like we have kids or anything. So I'm not sure what's going on here, exactly. Am I overthinking this?
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devilchyld22
12/01/08

@jessicarabbit: Yes, yes you are.

I recently had a tiff with my lova over this.

I came home and my apartment was clean, and my laundry was all folded. I really got pissed off, like I was furious.

Who the fuck are you to come in and clean my damn house! I took it as him saying, clearly you can't handle cleaning this apartment yourself I had better do it the right way.

After finally calming me down, he explained it to me like this.

It wasn't his way of saying I didnt do a good enough job, but he was simply HELPING. Just helping. That's it! I'm the type of person where I don't need help, I can do it thanks. It wasn't meant to make me feel bad, it was meant to make feel better. To take some stress out of my life. Not because I wasn't doing a good enough job, just because it was something he could help do to relieve some pressure in my life. I never really looked at it like that, I was to busy being defensive.

So, I say...fuck it! Let em help! Dont take it personally just enjoy it. (I hope some of this made sense, I'm doing 9 different things right now)
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PhDork
12/01/08

@jessicarabbit: Your MIL and GMIL are proposing to treat your husband like a child. This is a problem for more than one reason--1) the infantilizing thing, 2) the privacy thing, and 3) the women are domestic servants thing.

I don't know what's going on there, or if I grasp the situation, but if they're thinking they'll come over on his day off, do you think they just want to spend time with him, and are using the housework thing as an excuse or justification? Do they fear that he doesn't want to spend time with them for THEM, so they're making themselves "useful"? Or are they ol-skool, boys-don't-do-housework and that-young-wife-of-his-doesn't-treat-him-right types? (if so, maude help you!)

Obviously, you need to talk about this w/ Mister Rabbit, figure out what to do as a team, and then he needs to do the heaving lifting of the conversation with Mom and Nanna.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
12/01/08

@jessicarabbit: I ran into the same thing with my MIL. She'd come down to watch the kid for a couple of hours while I went to a class, and I'd come back to find all kinds of chores done. I tell myself that she is in fact just helping, and I can be rational about it, but it still doesn't entirely quell that she sits in silent judgment on my failure to be a full-time housewife and stay home and take care of the menz and iron their underwear feeling.

I've found over the years that it's best to just let it go. Your husband is already used to having his chores done for him; you can't save him from that now. Accept the help. Feel sorry for your MIL and her mother. They can't think of anything better to do on a free Tuesday. I guarantee you that after my children are grown, I will!
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SarahMC
12/01/08

@PhDork: I agree with you. Jessicarabbit, this sitch is inappropriate and I would be offended as well. They are perpetuating a number of gendered stereotypes AND sticking their noses where they don't belong. Take PhDork's advice.
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devilchyld22
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
My babydadies mother HATED me.

Those four years were hell.

She even told me when I was pregnant that I only got pregnant because my friend had had a child a year before. I guess she thought I wanted to be cool. Ha!

We have since split, and I'm happily engaged with a man whose family thinks me and my daughter have sunshine coming out of our asses. Which has made me feel like a million bucks.

Its amazing the power those in-laws have.
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NewsBunny
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
My mother in law pulled me aside before my wedding and said with her slight southern twang:

"Now, honey. You make sure your name is on EVERYTHIN'. Bank accounts, house, car, EVERYTHIN'. That's the mistake I made with his father."

I couldn't ask for better MIL. She's fabulous.
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Annabellie
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
My (common-law) mother in law is generally really awesome, and really made an effort to get to know me and is really kind and thoughtful and what have you. HOWEVER, she likes to complain about her son to me like we are both his mothers or something, which kind of makes me uncomfortable.
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Maritsa
12/01/08

In reply to The In-Laws: Other Women Are Supposedly Our Worst Enemies
I love my mother-in-law and we get along great. She cemented her awesomeness when she flew from Utah to DC to take care of me when I had my appendix out because my Mom had to be with my terminally ill dad. All of the evil women in my family are, unfortunately, related to me by blood.
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