"The problem with being a writer of romance and romantic situations is that my capacity for creating and believing in fantasy is huge," Kaling writes after describing a dream family that includes an hipster architect husband named Alex, "Nothing can ever be as amazing as Harry & Sally or, in my book, Joe Fox & Kathleen Kelly from the movie You've Got Mail." And while Kaling's process of creating potential families in her mind is a bit goofy, it's also very honest and sweet and something I'm sure many of us have also done over the years.

It's a strange thing to try and visualize your future; as Kaling notes, she already has a family that she's proud to be a part of, as a sister and a daughter, but it's different than having a core unit you've created on your own. "Do I want to be the child in my current family, or the parent/wife/grown-up of some other one?" Kaling asks, "The first seems real and comfortable. The second seemed like a silly bit of mischief, a game of pretend, even though I have a sense it might be just around the corner."

In many ways, visualizing your future spouse or children can serve as a means to prepare for the inevitable separation from your parents and siblings as you grow older and strike out on your own, and while the imaginary families we create in our minds might be slightly ridiculous, they're also a quiet affirmation for those hoping to find a partner or have children that there might just be someone out there waiting and imagining the same silly things. It's also a way to figure out who you are and what you want out of life, and though the pieces may not come together in a way you expected, it's nice to at least have a sense of what those pieces might look like. It's also funny to look back on past visualizations; at 16, I was pretty sure I'd be married to a gothy rock star and living with my kids, Starla and Glynis. At 28, my imagined future doesn't involve children at all, especially ones named after Smashing Pumpkins songs. When I'm 38, I'm sure I'll have another view: the picture, naturally, changes as we change.

So what say you, commenters? Have you ever imagined your future family? Or perhaps a lack thereof? Feel free to share your stories in the comments.

Mindy Kaling Writes Her Own Script For A Perfect Family [NYTimes]

If the last decade of dating has taught me anything, it is this: people suck at dealing with breakups. I am referring of course, partially to their own breakups, but more importantly, to other people's dramatic splits.

We've all been there. You think things are going swimmingly, when out of the blue, your significant other wants out. It may come as a shock or it may have been foreshadowed by a long, slow buildup of dread. All you know is that you feel like the floor just dropped out from beneath you and your organs have suddenly turned into soup. At a certain point, everyone has had to go through this particular type of scorched earth devastation, where you quite seriously feel like you'll never get over it, ever, ever. But we all do. And there has been a lot of ink spilled on how to get over a break up. But even with all that out there, talking about breakups is tough, and often results in some truly horrible advice from the most well-meaning people.

It doesn't help that we've developed a kind of breakup formula through constantly replaying the same tropes in romantic comedies and chick flicks. In this narrative, the brokenhearted girl spends time eating Haagen-Dazs while listening to mournful love songs (or, alternatively, "I Will Survive"). But soon, usually with the help of a sassy sidekick, she snaps out of it, gets a makeover, some new outfits, and an upbeat theme song. This is what I like to call the Bridget Jones Method. And while the BJM may be great for some - especially those who inhabit the wonderful world of television - in the real world, ice cream and Gloria Gaynor just don't cut it.

So, while I can't give you five easy steps for getting over a heartbreak (I'm still working on that myself) I can tell you what not to say to someone who is going through a rough patch. These are all things I heard in the days following my breakup and the subsequent move-out (to the friends who told me this stuff: I'm sorry, I know you meant well, but really? Sleeping with his brother? Come on).

"Now is the time to go through a complete life change."
Sometimes breakups can act as a catalyst for complete and total change. However, a couple of weeks ago when a friend of mine first told me this, I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him. Too often it seems like something is expected of you when you go through a rough patch. And you know what sucks? Acting like a big giant bleeding wound is actually some sort of boon, a golden opportunity for renewal. It might end up being just that, but let's not pretend that you should be thinking about a happy future while your still smarting from the event itself.

"You should do something empowering – like shave your head."
I suppose I should come out right now and admit that I am anti-makeover. I don't understand exactly why hair-or lack thereof-has become such a symbol of female empowerment. But it has. Unfortunately, "shaving your head" is seen two different ways: Crazy woman (example: Britney Spears) or survivor woman (example: Bianca from ANTM Cycle 13). Both of these standards are problematic, but my biggest issue with the shaved-head (or dyed-hair, or even hair-cut) route is that it assumes changing something as superficial as your looks will help you get over something as real as a broken heart.

"Whatever you do, don't lose your dignity."
Okay, I know this seems like decent advice, but it's the last thing you want to hear when you've just spent the night sleeping on the bathroom floor cradling an empty bottle of Stoli blueberry like it's your long lost child only to wake up and realize that your eyes are literally crusted over from crying and your hair has started to look an awful lot like this because even though you've been spending an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, you haven't made it into the shower quite yet (not that I'd know what that's like, mind you). Dignity is one of the first things to go in a breakup. One of the most helpful things I heard in the week immediately after my own split was this: "Don't feel bad, everyone begs."

"Go out and have revenge sex."
Are you kidding? This tactic may be familiar - and often featured in movies and novels - but I doubt that any good has ever come from following this particular piece of advice. There are those of us who get extremely angry and vindictive following a harsh breakup, but acting on these emotions is never a good idea. There are plenty of great reasons to have sex, but revenge ranks pretty low on my list. To make things even more interesting, my friend suggested that I seduce one of his closest friends-or better yet, his brother. Again: Just say no.

"Take time off, give yourself space."
This almost seems like the flipside of the revenge-sex coin, but there is actually a happy medium to be found between fucking-for-revenge and sequestering yourself away from the dating scene. However, I am not advocating you suddenly jump into another relationship, or that you go out and cheetah (or puma or cougar or whatever large feline is popular right now) some man (or woman) into bed. But don't discount the effectiveness of a well-executed rebound either. And "taking time off" can sometimes be code for "hiding under the covers," something that is particularly easy to do when you work from home and don't really ever need to leave your bed. While I don't want to start handing out my own misconceived advice, I have noticed that spending significant amounts of time with other, non-ex-boyfriend people can be very healing. Plus, it's a good way to keep yourself from dwelling to the point of obsession (and it helps keep the post-breakup drinking in check, too).

Although I have found most of the above advice particularly unhelpful, I realize that, as with everything, your mileage may vary. And while talking about breakups can be uncomfortable and awkward, every person I spoke to had some sort of advice, some bit of wisdom they learned from their own painful experience. Some seemed to recall a Kübler-Ross type of period, a series of stages that they needed to pass through in order to grieve. Others focused on distraction, keeping the mind busy until the initial pain had subsided. Removed from the immediate messiness of the personal story, the get-over-it advice was an easy way to relate and commiserate. But these tactics - along with the chick-flick, rom-com method - simply don't work for me. Some of these well-intentioned suggestions served simply to infuriate me, but looking back, it's much easier to see my reaction as what it was: displaced anger. As for what does work, I'll leave that up to others to decide.

One less bell to answer? One less egg to fry? Hell, after a mani-pedi I'll be just fine, thank you. Okay, maybe after a pint of Chunky Monkey as "Last Goodbye" blasts 75 times.

Are you listening, Elin Nordegren? If you dump Tiger, even after all the humiliation, you'll be back out there in no time.

In an article that reads like a high school student auditioning for a job at Cosmo, Molloy explores - unsatirically, it seems - every shitty stereotype about gender and relationships. Although she titles her piece "Tough guys less willing than women to dive into dating pool after breakup," there seems to be no reason for the focus on the brokenhearted guy's "toughness." Yet she keeps at it:

Big, bad, tough guys are devastated when women leave them, while gals tend to jump right back into the dating pool, a new poll says.

The men who answered the survey are expected to be "tough guys" simply because they are men, and all penis-bearing people should be categorized as tough guys. And they shouldn't have emotions or icky, girly stuff like that. They should all be strong, silent and we must assume, deeply misogynistic. However, Dr. Keith Ablow points out that online daters are a selective pool of subjects, and may not accurately represent all men. "Men who gravitate toward those sites may do so because they're rejection-sensitive," he said. "They may use the computer as a filter." Unlike the Don Drapers of the world, who Molloy points to as an example of a paragon of masculinity, online daters are just a bunch of wimps. Or, to put it another way:

Men were programmed in the caveman days to club their woman over the head, but now even approaching a babe in a bar can trigger fear.

Meanwhile, women, like elephant seals, may just want a larger selection of potential mates.

We also apparently want our mates to treat us like crap. Another expert, Francine Kaye, weighs in on What Women Want. Speaking for ladies everywhere, she argues: "The demands of the workplace have changed us, and brought out our more masculine side. We're taking that home with us...bullying our men into submission. We don't actually want men like that, and we end up resenting them for not being...fearless." Working may have made us into masculine, ball-busting bitches, but all we really want is a fearless man who can put us in our place. Molloy takes this to mean that we are all secretly "yearning for a bit more caveman." Yes, she is actually advocating for the type of man who is "programmed" to club a woman over the head. Fortunately, we have a one-syllable response ready for this type of dude - and this type of "trend" piece: Pshaw.

Tough Guys Less Willing Than Women To Dive Into Dating Pool After Breakup [NY Daily News]

The article revolves around Helena Andrews, an author who recently sold and optioned her memoir, which is described as a series of satirical essays about being an urban black woman in Chocolate City.

However, taking the long view of Andrew's life - and what broader conclusions can be drawn around race, gender, and region - often forces the article to stumble. For example, this description of Andrew's life works from the archetype of the sassy, single, chick-lit heroine mashed up with BAP overachiever stereotypes:

A journalist who has written for Politico and The Root, Andrews says her book attempts to reveal what's behind the veneer. In a series of essays, Andrews documents the lives of so many young black women who appear to have everything: looks, charm, Ivy League degrees, great jobs. Closets packed full of fabulous clothes; fabulous condos in fabulous gentrified neighborhoods; fabulous vacations, fabulous friends. And yet they are lonely: Their lives are repetitive, desperate and empty. They are post-racial feminists who have come of age reaping the benefits of both the civil rights movement and the women's movement, then asking quietly: What next?

Fabulous gentrified neighborhoods? (Is that before or after all your cool friends move out because no one can afford the rent?) How can your life be repetitive, desperate, and empty if you have fabulous vacations and fabulous friends?

And don't get me started on the post-racial thing.

The small glimpses we are shown from the book appear to have the potential to be hilarious:

The disappointment as you end up at the bar once again, committing straw violence in your drink (stirring the drink frantically and unconsciously).

Much of the focus of the piece comes back to this key premise, that all of Andrew's problems seem to stem from:

"For a lot of black women, especially young successful black women, we have a lot of boxes on our master plan list checked off," Andrews says. "We think happiness should come immediately after that. But that is not always the case."

Love is much too hard to find and when these women do, it may go all wrong because of issues that are too complicated for statistics, Andrews says. She is quick to say, "There are tons of black families who are healthy and good." Even so, black women are more likely than white women to grow up poor or otherwise struggling financially; to be fatherless and to experience a myriad of other societal and/or familial dysfunctions. Ironically, the "issues" can also include being a "strong" woman: the can-do, opinionated type many black women become after growing up in a matriarchal household, the type with whom some men still just can't deal.

The idea of love as another item on the to do list doesn't really make sense. It doesn't happen on a timetable. It's as Kelis sings in Millionaire: Saks Fifth Ave don't sell affection. So while doing things like earning a degree or landing a good job can be accomplished with focus, dedication, and follow through, love is messier kind of alchemy.

I mean, think about it. To get into a relationship with someone, you generally need two people to be: currently or soon to be available; in the same physical proximity (or internet savvy enough to be on the same website); into the same types of hang out spots, or to have enough in common to cross paths; both need to find each other physically attractive; and both need to be at a time in their lives when they can afford to spend the time to develop a relationship.

Throw all the other preferences out of the window - the list above is enough to make anyone's head spin, and we haven't even personalized it yet.

The article continues, revealing that Andrews may also have a habit of setting herself up for failure:

"I went on a date last night with Cornrows," Andrews says, using the nickname that her friends have given the man. "I got in his car and there was this strawberry smell fragrance. I had to roll the window down by hand. I assume it's paid for."

Cornrows, she says, seems nice, but that is the problem. "He can put together coherent sentences, but they are not in any way related to my life," she says. She laughs, but catches herself. She knows the man is trying hard. She also knows Cornrows doesn't stand a chance.

"I'm a mean woman. I don't date nice people. That's why I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle."

This sentiment is one that quite a few of women can relate to. This guy is nice enough - but still not quite enough to be what Andrews is looking for. Many on the Post site seem to think that Andrews has overly high expectations. But a large part of this is the fantasies sold about life. Just as there is an entire industry around the idea of having it all, there is also one at selling the easy relationship. Sister Toldja has a hilarious take on the quintessential black romance movie Love Jones, saying:

I know many people have been let down by this movie. Talk about setting the stage for great expectations. I think sisters take it especially hard. Showing Love Jones to a group of Black women in their early 20's is like showing a bunch of Iranian kids a Disney World brochure. Dream all you want to, kids. But that trip probably ain't happening for you. [...]

Okay, so maybe I don't have the longest list of reasons as to why I shoulda had a real life LJ experience by now, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't. Because I should.

And I'll tell you why I haven't. Because brothers like this don't exist in real life:

I don't mean brother like Larenz Tate. I am talking about Darius "groove in yo' left thigh/tryna be the funk in yo' right" Lovehall. This man was phenomenal. He was a poet. He cooked breakfast. He respected a woman who brought him home after the FIRST NIGHT. He was fine. He had great friends (except for Bill Bellamy; but I think dudes all got one Bill Bellamy-ass friend). And even when he got Nina started smoking cigarettes, it was sexier than anything the average man can do on his best day.

Meanwhile, I can't find a marginally attractive and reasonably interesting man to give even half of a flying fuck about me.

I had a different read on Love Jones (I enjoyed it but it could have been subtitled "Massive Failures to Communicate"), but Toldja's point is what's important. Nothing comes easy, but a lot of women are convinced these kinds of men don't exist at all.

But, speaking as someone who is a DC area native, there are lots of men that fit every type of profile around town. Hell, if you want a man that's good with words, who will tinge love poems with sweet vulgarities, they are plentiful. Last night, at Busboys and Poets, I didn't see Darius Lovehall, but I did see "Have You Ever Made Love to a Poet" Marc Marcel:

Many of the commenters over at the Washington Post site latched onto Andrew's admissions of bitchery to justify everything from racism to continuing black gender wars to anger over what passes as WaPo worthy. However, buried deeper in the article, I found this small segment more compelling:

The genesis of Andrews's book came from a conversation a few years ago between Andrews and Gina, a social scientist who lives in Los Angeles. They wanted to start a blog to explore "why black women can't find a man." The day she talked to an agent about this idea and pitched it as a book, one of her sorority sisters committed suicide.

It jarred Andrews. "We stopped. Discussed what happened. We think each other's lives are fine. You got a good job. A good place to live. You will handle it." But some people can't handle it. "She looked like any other successful black woman," Andrews says of her friend. , "Good clothes, stylish. Ivy League degree, master's." Nobody saw it coming. She won't discuss the details, but you can see it in her face, the mind racing over the why.

This darker theme drives the fear behind narratives of singledom and success. What does it mean if you achieved everything, checked off all the boxes on the to-do list, and still feel empty? And realize this emptiness comes from realizing that the stories we were sold about "a good life" may not be what we want, and the one size fits all American Dream is confining? What if searching for a relationship wasn't really about the dynamics between men and women, but about having the last piece to a puzzle we are told will unlock true happiness? And what if, even after achieving everything on the list, it still isn't what you want?

Sometimes, our quest for love and companionship is really a quest for affirmation and answers. As Andrews asks:

"People keep talking about the black single woman in D.C. But do you know who she is? Does she know what she wants? They should stop saying we have it all together. . . . I am that single black woman in Washington, D.C. Why is she single? This is who I am. Tell me."

Successful, black and lonely [Washington Post]
Revisit- Love Jones: The Greatest Lie Ever Told [The Beautiful Struggler]
Official Site [Busboys and Poets]
Official Site [Marc Marcel]

Britain's loveless Bridgets may be taxing its housing stock (a mere 72.6% of thirtysomething British ladies are shacked up with a partner), but you can be married with eight children by Christmas. You just have to follow the right dating advice. But how to find it? Dating tips have been around forever, as these examples from 1938 attest. And everybody's getting in on the act, including the authors of Principles 101: Feminism, Manhood, and You, an online book that purportedly "exposes Feminism, the 'Seduction Community' scam, the failure of cliched dating advice and why men find women increasingly difficult to deal with in this Feminist dating climate." Principles 101 seeks to teach men how to reclaim their "male authority" — starting with a cover featuring the words "cunts," "pussification," and "mangina." Below, we compare the dating wisdom of 1938 with the observations of the Principles — and add a few (unisex) tips of our own.

On driving
1938: Don't use the car mirror to fix your make-up. Man needs it in driving, and it annoys him very much to have to turn around to see what's behind him.
Principles 101: Women lack foresight for the same reason children lack it; they focus on themselves to a dysfunctional degree. Without male guidance, women neglect to consider the viewpoint of others. As a result, women, in relation to men, lack the capacity to bear heavy responsibilities. Yet, because of Feminism's reckless encouragement, they happily volunteer to "steer" the lives of others, oblivious to the dangerous situation this creates for everyone; our Feminist society lowers academic, professional, and civil service standards to accommodate women's irresponsible desire to accept duties they were never designed to fulfill. Consequently, our schools, our economy, and our lives must all sit in the passenger seat, waiting for the inevitable crash.

On neatness
1938: If you need a brassiere, wear one. Don't tug at your girdle, and be careful your stockings are not wrinkled.
Principles 101: Right now, whether you realize it or not, you are disorderly.

On conversation
1938: Don't talk about clothes, or try to describe your new gown to a man. Please and flatter your date by talking about the things he wants to talk about.
Principles 101: [W]hen men try to initiate or lead social interactions, instead of respecting this chore, "bitches" will attempt to subvert male authority by degrading the social status of men. Condescending remarks about social desperation, lack of friendships, lack of social competence or inadequate appearance are not uncommon. If these women haven't already refused to acknowledge their existence with lack of eye contact or verbal response, an uphill battle of dysfunctional conversation can be expected. Men will find themselves being interrupted or talked over as dominating the interaction becomes these women's focus.

On what men want
1938: Careless women never appeal to gentlemen. Don't talk while dancing, for when a man dances he wants to dance.
Principles 101: Your Manhood is expressed in the form of authority. Its function is to discipline and bring into submission those who should rightly be under your authority. Your authority is necessary to enforce your expectations. By training others to recognize and apply the principles governing their respective gender, you bring them into a functional state where they become useful, thus valuable.

On dissipation
1938: The last straw is to pass out from too much liquor. Chances are your date will never call you again!
Principles 101: Consider the punk rocker lifestyle. Its dysfunctional nature advocates the dismantling of social order. Only dysfunctional people are drawn to such a chaotic lifestyle. Their houses, cars, personal appearance and relationships are all one big disorderly mess. If you were to stop taking care of your house and personal appearance, they would gradually and spontaneously start resembling this lifestyle.

While Principles 101 may offer helpful hints on becoming a punk rocker (just quit mowing your lawn!), it's probably too absurd to help men actually get a date (readers might want to keep under their hats, for instance, the author's opinion that women shouldn't get to vote). But it does reveal some similarities between women's dating tips and total misogyny. Yes, the tips above are from 1938, but the idea that men's desires need to control every aspect of dating, from what you talk about to what you wear, persists today. And "experts" are still lining up to tell women that being deferential is the key to lasting love. Not so into submission? Luckily, there's an easier way. Behold, the Jezebel Dating Guide.

Step 1: Don't be an asshole.
Step 2: Do whatever you want, as long as it doesn't violate Step 1.

I lied above — this dating guide may not get you an entire family in the next two weeks. It will, however, allow you to maintain self-respect without belittling other people, something the 111-page Principles 101 can't claim. So this holiday season, instead of worrying about whether you're "flattering your date" or engaging in "dysfunctional conversation" just ask yourself whether you're being an asshole and adjust accordingly. Or, just read everything Principles 101 says and do the exact opposite. Warning: you may become disorderly.

Tips For Single Ladies (1938) [Sad and Useless]
Principles 101 [Scribd]
‘Bridget Jones' Singletons Threaten Housing Crisis, Figures Suggest [Telegraph]

Wilderness warrior Spencer "Crocodile" Morgan has risked life and limb to bring vulnerable males some much-needed details on the cheetah, via noted field biology resource The New York Observer. Below, a breakdown:

The behavior:

Cheetahs are apparently younger than cougars, but more dangerous. The cougar satisfies its mating instinct and then moves on to the next victim. Not so the cheetah:

Much has been made of the so-called cougar, the older dame, early 40s on up, who has developed a taste for the younger man-beast. Dana's hunting methods and psychology bear no resemblance to the cougar. As Seth aptly points out, "A cougar would fuck and then leave and not feel bad."

Instead, Seth awoke to Dana's limpid eyes, followed by an awkward kiss in broad daylight as the two parted ways on the street. The cheetah stays the night.

The hunting season:

I immediately thought of the widely held view that single women are keen to get their paws on a hunk of man to hunker down with for the winter months. I looked out the car window-it was raining. A cold, insinuating rain. The conditions were perfect for a cheetah to a strike.

Yes, winter is the cheetah's favorite time for hunk-hunkering. Her preferred weather? "Insinuating" rain. What is this rain "insinuating?" Perhaps it whispers, "don't pay attention to stupid trend pieces." Or, "holy shit, a talking raindrop!"

The method:

In order to snare their prey, cheetahs have evolved a mechanism known as "cock loitering."

"A cock loiterer is typically a girl who has recently come out of a relationship that she's been in for a long time, and she suddenly realizes that getting laid is not as easy as it once was," [noted cheetah expert A.J. Daulerio] explained. He noted that the cheetah hunts alone, and prefers gatherings where she can blend into the crowd until the quarry grow weak and sloppy. "You know, she's the type who'll come out to the sports bar for Sunday football and then, whereas most people will leave after the 12 o'clock game ends, she'll stick around for the 4 o'clock game," he said.

Other animals employ similar tactics — the "dick waiting" behavior of the Yellow-Bellied Dick-Waiting Armadillo, for instance, is well documented — but none is more dangerous than cock loitering. Many men whose cocks have been loitered on never recover.

The markings:

Cheetahs sometimes attempt to blend in with male humans. Writes Morgan,

The cheetah is most often a just-one-of-the-guys girl. That's her cover. In nature, a cheetah will lurk in the high grass and use her spots as camouflage.

Some very skilled cheetahs can actually change their skin color to mimic an Ed Hardy T-shirt. However, many also wear makeup. Daulerio describes one cheetah who "was notorious for looking dreadful without her makeup on." This is actually not unique to cheetahs. Iguanas are well-known for looking like shit without their mascara, and have you seen an owl when it gets up in the morning?

The experts:

For help warning the populace about this scourge of the savannas, Morgan enlisted "new-media mogul and man-about-town Lockhart Steele," "John Carney, of Businessinsider.com," and "A.J. Daulerio, who runs the sports news website Deadspin.com." That these men all happen to work in media no doubt only increases their experiences with cheetahs, as large predators are noted readers of blogs (tigers really like Politico). That they are all personal friends of Morgan, and one another, should not invalidate his contribution to biological research. In fact, many advances in life sciences have been brought about by polling friends! Darwin's On the Origin of Species was actually based, not on many years of exhaustive field work as is often thought, but on a conversation Darwin had with some guys he met in a bar. In fact, the first edition really began thus:

Mr. Jonathan Smythe-Horton of Smythe-Horton's Dry Goods says, 'Finches look pretty at first — who doesn't want to take a cute little Geospiza conirostris home for a night of fun? But they're always Twittering about your relationship! And then they evolve into big fat hens who steal your money.'

The animal kingdom, dear readers, is a dangerous place.

Rrrowl! Beware Cougar's Young Niece, The Cheetah [NY Observer]

The "turkey drop," according to NPR, is a breakup that occurs over the Thanksgiving holiday, typically between college freshmen who return home for the first time and finally pull the plug on a high school relationship, though as Dan Savage notes, adults can fall victim to the "turkey drop" as well, due to a desire by one partner to split before the pressures of the Christmas-New Year's-Valentine's Day season kick in. "Thanksgiving is really when you have to pull the trigger if you're not willing to tough it out through February," Savage says.

Savage has a point: it's pretty rough to break up with someone at Christmas, and even harder to ditch a relationship right around Valentine's Day. But at the same time, it's even crueler to stay in a relationship you'd rather not be in just to protect someone's feelings throughout the holiday season, isn't it? I'd imagine that racking up all of those Christmas and New Year's memories is just adding fuel to the post-breakup fire. (Though I have known couples who have stayed together through the holidays, not for their own benefit, but for the benefit of their children and/or family members.)

Still, some "turkey drops" are unavoidable: I actually went through it during my freshman year of college, breaking up with an on-again/off-again boyfriend whom I suddenly had nothing in common with after being away for three months. He was relieved, actually, as he felt the same way. It's quite strange when people you've known for years become strangers; I'd go so far as to guess that many people go through "turkey drops" of sorts with friends during this period as well, due to realizing you're not the same person you were mere months earlier, and neither are they.

So what say you, commenters? Have you been through a "turkey drop?" And do you think it's ultimately cruel or kind to initiate a breakup during the holidays?

Want To Break Up? 'Tis The Season, So Better Hurry [NPR]

[Image via Natalie Dee.]

Well, yes, on some levels. Edward Cullen is both predatory and alluring; much is made of his beauty and his uniqueness, and the risks of dating a vampire who has to fight his own urges carries a sense of danger and excitement that might appeal to some readers. He is your standard tortured bad boy with a (questionable) heart of gold and, well, skin that happens to sparkle in the sun.

I've often taken shots at Edward Cullen, as I find the character, and the relationship he shares with Bella Swan, to be quite creepy; Cullen, to me, reads as extremely controlling and stalker-esque, and I find it hard to believe in their romance when there appears to be so much fear and intimidation involved. However, I often wonder how I would have viewed this book when I was younger, say 13 or so, before I'd ever been in a relationship of my own. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I might have loved Edward Cullen, as well, just as I loved Billy Corgan or Trent Reznor, for being dark but pretty and for seeming slightly dangerous but like they understood what I was thinking as the rest of the world didn't.

For all of his creepiness, Edward Cullen is really just the latest scream-worthy dude that's driving the kids crazy. My mother flipped out over George Harrison, much to my grandparents' dismay. My older sister had a picture of INXS on the wall and kissed it whenever she could. My parents used to shake their heads as I smeared my eyes in black kohl and walked around moping to Siamese Dream. Every one has their unrequited teenage crush; it just seems like teenagers are all zeroing in on the same kid at the same time.

Edward Cullen may come in a different, darker package, but he still represents your typical teenage Tiger Beat dream boat: he wants only you, girl, he'll always be true, girl, he'll totally wait till you're married, girl, there's nobody else in the world for him, girl, he may be bad, but he'll be good to you, girl, etc. He's the guy you can dream about making out with, because you know you'll never make out with him. He represents the kind of love that never comes with rejection, because you know he's not real and you could never have him anyway. He's a safe means of falling in love for those who desperately want to know what it feels like.

The troublesome aspect of the Edward Cullen adoration, of course, is that girls will grow up believing that a boy who sneaks in to your room to watch you sleep is a real catch, as opposed to a total psychopath, and that the disturbing aspects of the Cullen/Swan relationship will stick with teenage girls as a marker of what "real love" is supposed to be. However, I think at times we don't give teenage girls enough credit for growing up and out of these phases; one hopes that if the world presents them with the right education regarding healthy relationships, they'll eventually see that Edward and Bella aren't exactly the ideal, and perhaps their teenage crushes will turn into adult eye rolls.

Who you are and what you believe about love when you're 13 is rarely who you are and what you believe about love when you get older; there are difficult lessons to learn and crushes that will eventually fade away. If there's one answer to why teenage girls love Edward Cullen so much, I'd argue that it's because teenage girls love love so much, and all that comes with it, and Cullen just happens to be the hottest representative of romance in the 7th grade right now. He's an extremely flawed representative, there's no doubt about that, and I hope someone else comes along to knock him off soon, if only because I think teenage girls deserve a better imaginary boyfriend to share initial hearts with in their notebooks.

So what say you, commenters? Would you be into Edward Cullen if you were 13? And did you learn anything from your imaginary teenage crushes?

Why Have Teenage Girls Been Bitten By The Edward Cullen Bug To Devour The Twilight Novels [Guardian]

A 38-year-old woman wrote to Godson, concerned that her re-entry into the dating world, after leaving a marriage of 13 years, was being derailed a bit by her pubic hair; specifically, the fact that she has any. The 27-year-old she's now dating was "shocked" to see that she had hair on her genitals, and as the woman notes "I do look after myself (hence the gym) but I don't think that a permanent tan and Brazilian wax should be deal-breakers in a relationship. Or am I just hopelessly outdated?"

Godson's answer, though it comes with a great deal of apologetic buildup, is basically yes. She explains to the woman that the pornification of the world is greatly responsible for younger men's tendency to expect a hairless woman. "There is something hugely irritating about being forced to conform to an aesthetic ideal instigated and perpetuated by the porn industry," Godson writes, "but, like keeping one's armpits and legs smooth, it is now expected. If your boyfriend has been conditioned to expect a tidy Brazilian, he may genuinely find anything else very off-putting."

Oh. Okay then. Because men have been "conditioned" to expect Brazilians, this woman needs to have one right away. We wouldn't want this woman to have any say over her own pubic hair, would we? I mean, she clearly states that she doesn't think Brazilians are necessary for a relationship, but apparently she's wrong in Suzi Godson's eyes, as only a woman who conforms to her boyfriend's pube desires really deserves relationship status. "Though the feminist ethos of your "take me as I am" argument is perfectly valid," Godson argues, "your boyfriend's reaction is instinctive - and in the face of something that is honestly perceived as a turn-off by one partner, rational arguments simply do not work."

Look, if the guy is so turned off by this woman's pubic hair that it really is a sexual dealbreaker for this couple, that's a conversation this couple has to have. But instructing a woman to wax simply for a man's happiness, regardless of her own personal preferences, is ridiculous. Just because men are "accustomed" to a certain thing, it doesn't mean that women have to do it to make them happy. And if a man really can't handle it, maybe it's not the pubic hair that has to go.

Sex Advice: Do I Need To Wax? [TimesOnline]

In the car on the way to film her segment for the show, Hailey opened up about how Jon is emotionally abusive.


It sounds like they have a codependent, miserable relationship.


Unfortunately, Hailey only believes that physical abuse is grounds for a breakup.

According to Sarah Kershaw's piece in today's New York Times:

The study, published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, reported that the couples thought their age difference mattered more to the outside world than to them, and that the men were more strongly drawn to the relationships at the start because of physical attraction.

Imagine that: A younger guy being attracted to an older woman. Why, it flies in the face of everything we know about dried up old hags!

And listen to this insanity:

Consistent with most other research and what many relationship experts are saying about these connections, the authors found that women liked the vitality the younger man brought into their lives, and men liked the maturity and confidence in the women…

You mean older ladies are not desperate mountain lions pouncing on young, virile, unsuspecting men? And these guys actually think the gnarly old crones are hot???

It's true. And in addition: These fools are normal.

"Initially I thought I would find more issues," said Nichole R. Proulx, the lead author of the study, who is a marriage and family therapist in Maine. "But it's a relationship like any other, despite what society might say. I thought I'd find that he looks at her like his mother, more inequality, more power struggles."

A relationship like any other? Someone had better tell Courteney Cox.

Rethinking the Older Woman-Younger Man Relationship [NY Times]

Earlier: "This Whole Business Of Calling Yourself Cougars? It Needs To Stop. Now."
Courteney Cox Doesn't Know If "Cougar" Is A Compliment
No One Harmed At Cougar Convention
How Do We Survive The Cougar Attack?
5 Reasons Why Courteney Cox's Cougar Town Looks Awful

There is, apparently, an epidemic of possible miscegenation at work: Jewish girls are dating Arab boys, and someone has to stop it. So, since there's apparently no shortage of available zealous busybodies who have nothing better to do after-hours, several troupes of vigilantes have formed amongst Jewish men who hope to "save" the young girls for themselves. With names like "Love of Youth" and "Fire for Judaism," they prowl those areas where teen couples are known to congregate and perform interventions with tactics not unlike those of abortion protesters, trying to save "problem cases" by administering lectures and disseminating CDs and literature on the dangers, presumably, of miscegenation.

The motivation seems to be both political and religious in nature, fueled as much by regional tensions as the traditional fear of losing Jews to intermarriage. "Their place is with the Jewish nation, not our enemies," says one of the organizers, who's obviously far more religious than any of the girls he's harassing.

Shockingly, turning this into an exciting forbidden Romeo and Juliet situation and casting Arab men as dangerous bad boys has not stopped the teens! For those of us who see this natural interaction as a healthy way of forging new understanding and connection, that's a good thing. For those whose intransigence has nothing to do with logic or apparently respect for personal decisions, boundaries and the law, well, probably not so much. When the short "West Bank Story" won an Oscar, it seemed light-hearted. The reality? Not so much.

Vigilantes Patrol For Jewish Women Dating Arab Men [NPR]

I'd forgotten about this incident until the other day, when my boyfriend accidentally hit me in the boob when I spun around too quickly as he leaned in for a hug. I instantly did the "I'm in pain" inhale and grabbed myself, and not in a sexy way, mind you, but in an "oh my god, the pain! The pain!" kind of way, and my poor befuddled boyfriend, still mid-hug, started yelling, "What happened?!" as I continued to feel myself up on the kitchen floor.

"It hurts when you get hit there," I whimpered, displaying my inability to choose a proper word to describe a part of my own anatomy. This is another problem: I hate using "breast" in everyday conversation, as it sounds very clinical (and, admittedly, using it still reminds me of breast cancer, which my grandmother passed away from), but the alternatives are all so stupid that I always feel like an idiot, no matter what term I use. I usually go with boob. Classy, I know. I'm working on it.

In any case, my boyfriend was not aware that it hurts to get hit in the boobular area. I suppose this is because he grew up without any sisters, and also because he doesn't go around punching people in the chest, but he was slightly stunned when I informed him that yes, it hurts, and that it also hurts for women when we accidentally get hit in the pubic area as well, even though men swear we can't possibly understand the pain of getting "kicked in the balls."

I'm sure many of you, like myself, have walked into the corner of your desk, or hit yourself with a door or drawer and nailed your pubic bone (again, not in the sexy way). It is ridiculously painful. It's not surprising, considering that your vaginal area, like your breasts, consists of multiple nerve endings, and when you take an accidental knock to either, it's fairly unpleasant, unless you're into that kind of thing. I did this at work a few months ago and had to half-dance into the staff bathroom to let out a silent scream. I'm pretty sure my co-worker, also a woman, saw it happen, as she gave me an understanding nod whilst trying not to laugh.

I'll admit that for a while, when I was a teenager, anyway, I wasn't sure if there was something wrong with me, as I noticed that it really did hurt whenever I got hit in either area (I am ridiculously clumsy) and none of my friends had ever talked about it, at least not on the level that the boys I went to school with did, who constantly bitched about the pain of getting hit in "the junk" while simultaneously challenging each other to idiotic ball kick-offs. But after a friend of mine took an errant pitch to the boob during a softball game (ouch), we all started sharing stories about various accidental boob injuries, and I realized it wasn't weird at all, just not talked about very often.

My friend may be right, in that I won't ever know what it's like to be kicked in the balls, but I can say that yes, getting accidentally knocked in the breast or the crotch hurts for women as well. I'm not trying to compare the pain or say that one is stronger than another, as that would be unfair and a bit absurd, I'm just pointing out that although we may not talk about it as often, it does hurt for women, and if nothing else, we should all try to be more careful out there. If you're going to end up getting to second base with yourself on the kitchen floor, let's try to make it for all the right reasons.

[Image via Natalie Dee.]

It strikes me as fairly weird that we're conditioned to pick apart the relationships of both strangers and friends based on their public displays of affection—or lack thereof. I don't think there's any way Carey and Cannon could win in this situation; when Cannon came on stage, he gave Mariah a peck on the cheek- a fairly normal hello, I think, from a husband to a wife.

But Oprah wasn't satisfied: "'Oh you did that "We've been married a long time kiss'," she said, "You didn't give the real kiss, come on." This, of course, led to an awkward exchange between Mr. and Mrs. Carey-Cannon, with Mariah bending away from her husband as he tried to lay a smooch on her. Now, of course, people will speculate that the awkwardness is a sign that the marriage is in trouble, but really, the awkwardness is there because Oprah forced the two of them to give a public display of affection that Mariah wasn't comfortable with.

If Cannon had come out and started making out with Carey, people would be saying that they were "trying too hard" or attempting to "prove something." So he gave her a dumb peck on the cheek. Big deal, Oprah! It doesn't mean they aren't in love—it just means they choose to keep their makeout sessions private. Why isn't that okay?

I suppose all we know about the romantic lives of others is what they choose to show us, and as a culture that is inherently nosy, we often try to pick up on things that may or may not be there, based solely upon how people choose to act in public. So what say you, commenters? Do you judge people on their PDAs? And do you limit or exaggerate your own public displays of affection for fear of being judged by others...or Oprah?

Don't Drop Me! Mariah Carey Shares Awkward Kiss With Husband Nick Cannon [Daily Mail]

But they dragged that shit OUT. So. First Tali had a little chat with Luke's devout Christian grandma, who, upon hearing that Tali was from Israel, was like O RLY? But turned out to be cool, because she is cool like that. (Clip above.)

Then Tali had to endure conversation with Luke's dad, who wanted to talk about Jews and Christians and "conflict." All of his body language said, You mean to tell me my son is thinking of marrying a durn furriner and a JEW for cryin out loud? Dad: Let the kids be!

Luke's dog Max did not get enough screen time.

Next Luke's family met Malissa. You could almost see the relief in their faces: She's blonde, all-American, probably not Jewish, yay!

For Luke's dad, it was love at first sight.

When Luke's dad found out Malissa likes beer, he was all, WOW. Then he proclaimed that she had "Irish eyes," which I guess is a huge compliment? Or maybe she smiles with her eyes? Smeyes?

Next the ladies met Luke's mom, who is sharp as a tack and can smell bullshit a mile away. She talked to both ladies about why they would even be on a show called More To Love, and while Tali said it was because she wanted to prove something about big girls and size doesn't matter and so on, Malissa said "on a whim." Malissa also told Luke's mom that she wasn't a chubby kid growing up and had only recently gained weight.

Luke's mom's diagnosis: Tali = awesome. Malissa? Silence.

Later Luke went for his last dinner with Tali and they got a little boozy and so forth and she was like, "I love you. I love you so much. I wanted to wait, but I couldn't." Luke said, "I love you too."

They made out.

Then Luke went for his last dinner with Malissa, who was all, "If you ask me to marry you, yes, yes, a thousand times yes." Luke was like, "You're such an amazing woman, yadda yadda." Then she said: "I love you." And he said: "I love you too, Malissa." SCANDAL!

Next Luke went ring shopping, and because the producers wanted to fill two hours, he looked at TWO RINGS…

…And described TWO women to the sales clerk who was just excited to be on tee vee.

Finally, in one last ring ceremony, Luke said to Malissa — and I'm paraphrasing here — you're a great gal, but see ya.

He asked Tali: "Will you marry me?" She said "Yes." The moral of the story is that a 300 pound Christian dude can date a whole bunch of fatties and end up with a hot stacked Israeli Jew. The end.

Oh wait: Tali would like to shout-out "the big girls out there."

Stay tuned for More To Love Too: There's Enough Of Me To Go Around — Malissa's Journey or whatever crap Fox will almost definitely cook up next.

In an article titled "Top 10 Signs You're Too Good For Her," writer Jason Moore lets all the bros know when it's time to let a girlfriend go:

No.10 - You're always dumbing down conversations around her
And it's not just her — it's her entire social universe. Her friends, her family and her coworkers all seem to have an extremely limited vocabulary, one that contains more four-letter expletives than a U.S. Army boot camp. If your cat can match her wit, it's one of the signs you're too good for her.

Ok, look. Nobody is saying that you need to (or should) stay with someone who doesn't stimulate you intellectually, but being smarter than someone doesn't necessarily make you better than they are. This isn't a case of someone not being "good enough" for you; it's just a case of someone not being the right match. I'm sure there's some oh-so-lucky lady out there who can match wits and pretentiousness with you, bro. Trust.

No.9 - She f*cks like a porn star

Sure, we all have those fantasies, but if your woman is taking you into uncharted territory that has serious repercussions for personal safety, there's a good chance it's a sign you're too good for her. No limits or boundaries in the intimate sphere means serious problems with self-respect and control in general. Sure the sex will be mind-blowing, but you'll never know where she's been or even how she learned her maneuvers, which can only mean one thing…

And you know what that "one thing" is, ladies! You're a total slut! Being skilled in bed, confident in one's sexuality and enjoying mixing things up a bit obviously means that you're a big ol' whore with a self-esteem problem, and Captain 2Good4U can't handle it. You are just too good at sex, and that means you're a terrible, terrible person. It couldn't possibly mean that your dumbass boyfriend isn't good enough to keep up with you, could it? Naw, that couldn't be. Men who are good in bed are studs, and women who are good in bed are filthy tramps who aren't worth the Axe bodyspray, right brah?

No.8 - None of your friends like her

Your friends don't like her and they seem to have independently verified, double-blind proof, that she's awful. You've spent a lot of time cultivating your social circle to serve as just this type of guard when you're in completely over your head, so trust your safety net. If she can't make simple conversation with your friends, it's a sign you're too good for her.

This is somewhat legit, in that often times, when people don't get along with their partner's social circle, there are problems. But using "bros before hos" as a means to gauge whether or not someone is "good enough" for you is a fairly juvenile solution. And if you need your friends to tell you that your girlfriend is "awful," you probably need to work on your own relationship skills.

No.7 - You're always encouraging her
If, on a regular basis, you find yourself encouraging your girlfriend to go out and really experience life outside the couch or mall, you're in all likelihood too good for her. There are certain people for whom ambition or enthusiasm for the future are just plain anathema. You're not going to be her catalyst and all you're doing now is wasting valuable energy and focus that you should be spending on your own life.

Again, this is more about a mismatch than being "too good" for someone. And not for nothing, but it might be a drag to have a boyfriend who finds it such a bitch to be supportive and understanding, which may account for her general lack of enthusiasm.

No.6 - She can't pay for anything

When it comes time to pick up the check for a dinner, a movie or just about anything else the two of you are undertaking she is nowhere to be found. There are two types of women for whom this is a problem: The first is just oblivious to the fact that she should actually pitch into the relationship. The second is just without the ability and just doesn't seem to have any income. Life's too short to waste time on either of them.

Ugh, poor people, am I right? It's not that she's cheap—she's broke, bro! That is like, the worst, man. I mean, why would anyone waste their time on a genuinely good person if said person can't even afford shots at T.J. McThursdaytown? You can't be seen riding around in your pimped out Toyota Corolla, blasting the latest Asher Roth, with some broke-ass chick in the passenger seat. It's a total no-go, bro. No go fo' sho.

No.5 - She's amazed by what you take for granted

At a certain point in life, certain realities set in and some things are just taken for granted. After college, a paycheck certainly falls into this category. If your girlfriend is dumbstruck by your ability to garner income, you're staring into the abyss of someone who cannot hold a job. This may be a warning sign of future problems.

Other things that she's awestruck by include paying bills, utilities or credit cards on a monthly basis. These should all let you know you're too good for her.

Again, we go back to the idea that women are dumb, immature, and lacking basic life skills. You should kick her to the curb, bro. Because if you don't, she might end up broke, and well, we know what a buzzkill that is, right?

No.4 - She has poor hygiene

If you've noticed on numerous occasions that there is a certain unpleasant odor emanating from your betrothed, it may be time to move on. Some people are merely untidy while others endanger your health. You can try mentioning in passing that there seems to be something amiss, but by and large, you're going to be facing a recurring and uphill battle if you want her to change.

First of all, "betrothed" means that she's already your fiance. She may be stank, but you already asked her to marry you, even though you find her disgusting, so it looks like you're the one with crap manners.

No.3 - She is devoid of natural curiosity

The universe is a strange and mysterious place. Every day you come across phenomena that nearly cry out for further explanation. At least you thought so, until you met your current girlfriend. If you've been together for a while and you've never heard her mention travel or a book she has read, you're in trouble. Conversations based upon first-hand experience from your day are both powerfully limiting and dull.

Have you noticed that every "tip" seems to revolve around the fact that some women just can't keep up with this dude's intellectually superior rock and roll lifestyle? At this point I'm just concerned about him. He seems to have issues getting over the dumb, broke, poorly smelling one who got away.

No.2 - She gets into trouble with the law

There is a time when authority figures are challenged and boundaries are defined. It's called adolescence. It's when your juvenile record can be sealed and expunged. If she's still shoplifting or finding herself on the business side of a DUI conviction, that's just reckless and is endangering your future. It shows that she hasn't developed a sense of what is right or wrong, nor does she have any respect for the possessions of others.

Is it me, or is the language here really creepy? Sure, he's talking about breaking the law, but the disdain he has for women who seemingly don't "know their place" is fairly evident, and ties in with the "she's too good in bed" tip. I'm not saying that we should all start dating criminals, but the way this guy talks about women who take control or break rules, be they laws or sexual taboos, as disrespectful and wrong, is quite telling.

No.1 - Her best asset is her looks

Relationships are a growing concern. You're supposed to find other qualities that endear her to you beyond the initial physical attraction. If you haven't found anything like that and in fact have found many qualities that the good looks are covering up for, then you're too good for her. You need to move on and find someone else. If you don't, you're selling yourself short. Strike out in a new direction and find someone who is both physically attractive as well as your equal or better in the other 98% of life.

She's too pretty, which means you're way too good for her. Obviously!

While there are some decent arguments to be made here, namely that relationships need to be based on more than looks, that couples should enjoy spending time together, and that money troubles often pull couples apart, the way this writer approaches these concepts is all wrong. His sense of superiority, aside from being irritating, also shows a self-centered approach to dating (and to life, really): it seems as though no one will ever be good enough for this dude, and when women are too good at something, he feels they need to be knocked down a peg. Perhaps this dude should just come right out and say it: it's not that women aren't "good enough" for him, it's just that's he's too in love with himself to admit that anyone else has any redeeming qualities whatsoever. But don't worry, dude. You'll always have your bros. And bromance, they say, is the greatest love of all.

Top 10: Signs You're Too Good For Her [AskMen]

[Image via stock.xchng.]