The difficulty with all the post-feminist whining about how women have "rules" that change that men don't know how to follow is that it continues to be a failure to recognize that women are all different, just as all dudes are different. Some women and some men want to kiss on the first date; others want to fuck; and yet others want to wait on one or both counts. Some women want doors opened and checks paid and still others will open the door and split the check and consider it a wonderful time — and some guys will be offended if you try to pay, or open your own door, or will be ecstatic that you don't care. And — this might be shocking — there was no halcyon time when women all wanted the same thing any more than there was one when men did. Women were always individuals with individual likes, dislikes and (to a degree) moral values — and yes, so were men.

So, look, obviously I shouldn't go out with a 35-year-old Mormon virgin who wants to wait for marriage any more than he should go out with me. Dating is about finding the person with whom you are actually compatible when you're both being yourselves. If Sanghera doesn't like women that want to adopt cats, then the women he dates should probably tell him that on the first date so they don't waste anyone's time. If you're the jealous type, hell, believe me, there are guys (and girls) who are perfectly happy in those kinds of relationships. If you are looking to get married in the next year, don't date a guy for the next 11 months who isn't and then get all upset when he doesn't propose. And if you're the type of guy who just wants to fuck random girls he meets in bars, then continue trolling bars for random girls looking to fuck random dudes — just don't be mad when we aren't all looking for that. And if somebody doesn't like you for being a cat-lover or the kind of person who fucks on the first date or the one who wants to wait for marriage, don't pretend to be what you aren't to be liked or (even worse) fake liking the other person. Be who you are so that someone likes you.

Woman Have So Many Don'ts. What's A Guy To Do? [The Times]

The least stereotypical women that Nerve surveyed? "Granola Sunshine," a bisexual woman who tends to go dutch on her dates and the "Long-Distance Cougar" who, despite making only $25,000 a year, spent $115 on a hotel room to meet her 22-year-old lover, while he supplied the rubbers. But both those women are sort of stereotypical in not hewing to stereotypes, so maybe it doesn't count. Even crunchy "Granola Sunshine" spent "$30 for face products from The Body Shop, cooling avocado washes and toners; trying to look good and keep my skin young," while the men surveyed spent almost zero on grooming themselves. Both the single straight men in the survey, "Coffee Yupster" and the "Dude" spent a lot of money wooing women, whether it be on meals out or memberships to dating sites.

The saddest lady, though, was definitely "Mom of Two," who is overworked and under-laid. "I don't have much to tell you, sadly. I got a $25 bikini wax, and I think I got to use it all of once," she tells Nerve. "A few days later, she bought $240 worth of new clothes 'in order to keep my husband interested and attracted.' Later that week, she got a free pedicure at a promotional event: 'I chose a saucy red called 'Kiss the Cook,' to which my husband responded, 'I prefer it when you paint your toes pink or nude.'" Um, your husband sounds like sort of a dick? You went out of your way to dress up and all he can do is criticize your toenail choices?

[Image via Charles Phoenix]

Everyone Pays For Sex [Nerve]

It makes sense that in the summer — when it's hot and everyone is stripped down — the sight of a bare thigh is rather mundane. Whereas catching the glimpse of some uncovered knees in the winter is a bit more shocking. But do men really want women to be naked in the snow? (Oh. One million Google Image results say: Yes.) Also, couldn't these scientists have just watched the Clueless, in which Cher says: "Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex." ? And isn't winter when we're all a little doughier and paler? Does this mean instead of covering up, ladies should strip down when the weather gets cold, and risk pneumonia to get laid? And why didn't the scientists test women, to find out in which season we find men more attractive? On the other hand, if you like my winter body, you're noble soul indeed.

'Female Body More Desirable In Winter' [Times Of India]
Women's Bare Flesh In Winter 'A Bigger Turn-On For Men' [Telegraph]

1. Don't pre-emptively tell me you have a small penis.
2. Don't drop the n-bomb during a discussion on the walk back to your place.
3. Don't ever say to me, "Your breasts don't look like the ones in my magazines."
4. Don't call it "my junk" or any pet names when asking me to touch it.
5. In fact, don't ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don't want to.
6. Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight "I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted." I'm not.
7. Don't lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.
8. If we are friends on a social networking site, I strongly recommend not joining groups that I can see that identify you as someone looking for anonymous NSA hook-ups. There aren't thick enough condoms in the world for me to dip my toe into that pool.
9. Don't tell me you and your wife have "an arrangement." Unless you can provide a signed, notarized affidavit to that effect, I don't believe you and if you can, see the previous answer.
10. Don't ask me if my friend might be interested in a threesome.
11. I don't care if you and your friend are interested in a threesome.
12. Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
13. Don't keep offering to buy me more alcohol to work the odds when I've indicated a desire to leave. The odds are that I will drink your damn alcohol and still not want to have sex with you.
14. Don't try to guilt me into something. You are not my mother, and you don't have her skills.
15. Don't offer to Saran Wrap my genitals to eat me out because you are scared of disease. You should be. You probably have one, but we both know it's not from eating a lot of pussy.
16. Don't ask if it's okay to fuck me up the ass because you don't have condoms and are "scared" of getting me pregnant.
17. Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.
18. Don't "neg" me. That works on insecure little 20-somethings that think they have something to prove. Me it just annoys and you are not remotely hot/smart/rich/powerful enough to intimidate me into thinking I want you to have sex with me.
19. Don't use a stupid euphemism for fucking. If The Bloodhound Gang used it in a song, it should not be called that if you're trying to actually get laid.
20. Never, ever utter the word or attempt to motorboat.

Joanna's problem is twofold: she stalked, and then she wanted to lie about it (and perhaps threefold, as she is apparently a terrible liar). And so she stalked, tried to pretend she hadn't stalked, badly covered her own nervousness about the stalking and ruined the date. Yeah, that's not really the way to do that.

Me, on the other hand, I go one of two ways. When I'm Googling a guy (or looking at his Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter page), I'm not looking to see how many siblings he has or how fast a mile he can run. I'm looking to find out if, say, he's recently joined a bunch of NSA-sex cyberclubs (been there), is married (done that) or has a criminal record (have the T-shirt). I'm checking to see if he's got a girlfriend, or recently got rid of one, if he's some sort of crazy I should be scared to grab a drink with or if he's gay (yeah, done that, too). I have also been known to check out some internet dating sites to determine — particularly if it's a few dates in for us — if he's out and about on Match.com even as he's calling me his girlfriend (yes, I get dicked over a lot). If I happen to find out other information, I either make sure I get to that part of the conversation early on enough in the date that I can arrange my lying face appropriately, or I happily cop to part of the Google search. Are there people that don't Google? Especially in D.C. where — as Pearson points out — dating is practically a form of networking among a certain social set?

Hell, I don't doubt — especially when I tell people what I do for a living — that men I meet look me up because it is so easy, and so very, very tempting to read about me to figure out what my deal is. And, I'm fine with that. As far as I'm concerned, life is pretty short and if a guy doesn't want to date a loud-mouthed, overly-opinionated blogger type with all of my various well-catalogued issues, then I'd rather find that out before I even waste my time putting on makeup. So I feel perfectly inclined to subject others to the same scrutiny.

In the days when my mother dated, your friends used to introduce you, or you knew each other from social circles or your parents, so you had a kind of built-in vetting system for potential dates. In this day and age, a few minutes of charming awkwardness that you were interested enough to type a name into a search engine is well worth avoiding dates with the psychos, felons and religious conservatives that can contaminate the dating pool. At least, it would be if, unlike me, you actually refrain from dating the psychos, felons and conservatives once you find that out. Everybody's got to work on something.

So, Tell Me Everything I Know About You [NY Times]

Anyway, Neel's not alone in his quest for women who are, let's say, out of his league. According to a new (no shit) study, "men were less likely than women to think that their own lack of attractiveness — based both on a self assessment and the ratings of others — should stand in the way of a date with someone 'hot,'" MSNBC reports.

According to a recent article in Psychological Science, less than perfect men "hedge their bets by asking for more dates. In fact, the men in the study requested a full 240 percent more dates than the women. Researchers didn't look at how many of these online come-ons were successful, but the number of dates most men asked for might be a sign that the less attractive among us — even the men — recognize that they may have to settle for dating someone who is closer to them on the 'hotness' scale." However, some of the grandiose ambitions of schlubby dudes may have to do with what they see on TV and in movies. MSNBC reports, "Leonard Lee, an assistant professor at Columbia’s Graduate School of Business, thinks these far-fetched movie and TV couples might explain why unfortunate-looking men tend to hold out such high hopes."

But, Lee points out something important: "unattractive guys eventually learn that their chances are slim [with uber hot ladies] regardless of what they see on screen. There’s another important finding in the study, he says: The 10s among us, both male and female, want only to date other 10s," MSNBC notes.

How Not to Hit On Models: A Primer [NY Mag]
Why Guys Go Gor Outta-Their-League Ladies

The way sites like Ignighter.com, TeamDating.com and the Facebook application "Meet New People" work is this: You and your friends form a group. Groups go out with other groups. Any individual in the group can ask another group out on a date, but everyone in the group goes. The thing is, group dating overlooks a huge problem: Some dudes have shitty fucking friends you do not want to hang out with.

If you scroll through the "groups" of men on Ignighter, you'll see a bunch of pictures of "boys being boys." They're making stupid faces, screaming while wearing sports jerseys, looking cocky while holding beer bottles. It's hard to envision a scenario in which a woman would look at these goofy photos and want to date — or even meet these men. Sure, they're probably perfectly nice guys, but there's something about seeing them in "bro" mode. It's just not romantic. Or sexy. Or appealing. (By the by, the pictures I saw of "groups" of women were smiley, classy and cutesy.)

Clearly it's important for single men and women who want to meet other single men and women to get out there and find each other. But what if you're attracted to a guy and repulsed by his friends? Or what if you're repulsed by a guy but charmed by his friends? And what if you do like the guy but suddenly find that the "group date" is just a big cockblock? (Oh, and do you need a website to teach you how to group date?)

All Together Now [Wall Street Journal]

• Meanwhile, women in India are being trained as security guards to fulfill an increasing demand for female guards in retail shops, malls, and on the subway. • A new study has linked music taste to particular personality traits and found that metal fans are gentle, indie rock listeners lack self-esteem, and pop lovers are uncreative. • Yuriko Koike, the former defense minister of Japan and current contender for the prime minister (which would make her the first female PM in Japan) says that Japan doesn't have a "glass ceiling" but an "iron plate" against female advancement. • Policy Exchange, a think tank favored by Tory party leaders, recommends that the government give tax benefits to the tune of about $1,000 a month to women who chose to stay home with their newborn children instead of working. • Meanwhile, Steve Biddulph, an "expert on parenting" in Australia says that the government should adopt a paid 1-year maternity leave for new mothers to encourage new mothers to avoid child care. • With so many male Asian American designers being shown this week at New York Fashion Week (Phillip Lim, Peter Som, Derek Lam, Alexander Wang, to name a few) it is hard to remember that the first Asian designers to take over the Western market were mostly women, including Vera Wang, Vivienne Tam, and Anna Sui. • This season Broadway will focus more on the psyche of dudes with revivals and musicals like A Man For All Seasons, Equus, and All My Sons. • The Australian-born feminist, Germaine Greer laments the lack of "proper" statues of famous women in England. • A new study has found that women over 70 who sleep no more than 5 hours a night have a 50% increased risk of falling down two or more times during the year. • Sad! Bella, a labrador from England who was believed to be the world's oldest dog died on Saturday at the age of 29. •

Professor Bereczkei and his team measured the facial proportions of 52 families during the course of the study, and found " significant correlations between the young men and their fathers-in-law, especially on facial proportions belonging to the central area of face - nose and eyes," the BBC notes, while "Women also showed resemblance to their mothers-in-law in the facial characteristics of their lower face - lips and jaw." Somehow, hearing from a guy that you have a mouth just like his mother's doesn't exactly endear. Science is creepy!

Psychology: Parental Link Found In Attraction [Guardian]
Women Pick Men Who Look Like Dad [BBC]

Nobel wants women to support his new life, and when they don't, he gets critical:

I've learned that otherwise intelligent, urbane, and morally imaginative women — the bulk of my friends — often cannot bring themselves, even when they invite the conversation, to hear my stories, to deviate from a high contrast model of human behavior, see how grey it can be in practice, to see the devil in their friend.

He goes on to lament "the derision in the eyes of and occasional open attacks from friends' wives (it's not contagious)" and "the burden of being a lightning rod for the fears of women and the resentments of burdened men (three drinks in, they all admit they're jealous)." "I've suffered plenty," he says, "I still suffer. But our reigning cultural norms demand that, like Hank Moody in Californication, I suffer more. [...] Why?"

The reason is in your parentheses, Danger Man! You say your choices are original, that "it's not contagious," and then you say all men are jealous of you. You want us not just to listen but to like you, even as we contrast your life as a "DILF" dating "twentysomething hip-hop intellectuals" with that of one of your naysaying friends, a "single, 42-year-old" woman whom you imagine "dead in her Upper West Side one-bedroom, prized dachshund licking at her corpse." Gee, Phil, do you think women might want you to suffer because, in your vision of the world, men either fuck around or want to, while single women get eaten by their dogs?

What Nobel did may not be "contagious," but it happens often enough to make a lot of women worry. We worry that a man will do grown-up things with us, like marry and have kids, or just fall in love and make us feel safe, and then he'll announce that he never really grew up at all and that he needs to go back to his twenties, with a twentysomething girlfriend to match. A few exceptions aside, this option still seems far less open to women — especially when others assume that not being married means becoming dachshund fodder.

Of course, none of this is solely Nobel's fault. It's the fault of a culture that trumpets the sanctity of marriage while painting male fidelity as lame. And that casts older women as unsexy and unsexual. The solution to this problem isn't to force people like Nobel to stay in unhappy marriages — it's to understand the sexual double standard that makes women feel so vulnerable, and to set about changing it.

Elle

It should be noted that Mr. Greengross conducted his study in Britain, which is Hugh Grant country. Greengross says: "Self-deprecating humour can be an especially reliable indicator not only of general intelligence and verbal creativity, but also of moral virtues such as humility." In other words, it's important to be smart, quick and funny when you put yourself down, because chicks dig witty, humble dudes. Another anthropologist, Kate Fox, sums it up thusly:

"Pomposity and self-importance are outlawed. Serious matters can be spoken of seriously, but one must never take oneself too seriously… As long as everyone understands the rules, they are duly impressed both by one's achievements and by one's reluctance to trumpet them."

What neither Greengross nor Fox discuss is the why. Why are we attracted to successful, smart people as long as they don't claim to be successful or smart? It's not about tearing yourself down — someone with zero confidence isn't very attractive — but humans also seem to be wary of the other end of the spectrum; shouting how awesome you are from the rooftops is a dealbreaker. So do we just like moderation? And what's the evolutionary advantage in that? Biologists would have us believe that the brightest peacock gets the hen, just like the most powerful ram and the loudest rooster, or whatever. And when "mating," looking for a mate with power makes sense, even if we have evolved beyond that and share power these days. But seriously: I love it as much as the next girl, but what good is self-deprecating humor in the urban jungle? Maybe I'm slow, but I just don't get it.

Laughter: The Secret Of Love [Guardian]
Ellie Levenson: British Men And The Art Of Seduction [Independent]
The MOST Effective Way To Get A Woman Into Bed Is By Running Yourself Down, Say Scientists [Daily Mail]

• Yes, you have every right to be in a bar without harassment. But life's not fair. So if a guy is so full of himself that he doesn't understand the word "no," just leave. If you paid a cover — and particularly if you have asked for assistance from the bartender and been refused — ask to see the manager on the way out, explain why you're leaving and ask for your money back. You might not get it, but it'll feel good to yell at someone.
• One of my time-honored plays is to direct his attention to another woman with whom he might have better luck. It's not the fairest thing to other women, but I figure if we all keep him moving, then no one has to deal with him for more than a few minutes. And, really, the type of guy who just won't quit will fall for this every time.
• Start talking (preferably in a high pitched voice) about how you recently designed your perfect engagement ring online and gave the link to your ring buddy who is just right over there and that you should probably introduce the two of them.
• Don't claim homosexuality. Dudes like this think that's even hotter.
• Grab his left hand and loudly ask the people around you if they like his wedding ring (assuming he's wearing one). Alternately, point out the tan line or ring marks on that finger equally loudly.
• Talk about your recent bout with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and the huge bruises the inter-abdominal antibiotic injections left on your stomach.
• A friend of mine offers to buy shots and then orders one of Wild Turkey and Tabasco for him (or make up your own vomit-inducing combo!) and water for her. She calls it "entertaining."
• Fish in your purse for a pen with which to write your number and pull out a tampon, preferably of the Super variety, instead.
• Use the phrase "vaginal prolapse" in a sentence.
• Any story you can tell about damage to the genitals is your friend. Bonus points if you caused the damage.
• Cry about something, preferably a dead cat or relative. Demi-Moore-In-Ghost style tears don't count, your eyes must swell and get bloodshot, you must begin to blubber and your nose must run.
• "A sphincter says, 'What.'"
• Call your mother, or fake-call your mother. It helps if you can call her "Mommy" with a straight face.
• Talk about how your sisters call you 'Terminator 3' because of all the abortions you've had.

But's that just me. What do you do?

Deflating A Persistent Pick Up Artist [Nerve]

According to a story in today's Washington Post, women 50 and older almost always tell sites like eHarmony and Match.com that they're looking for a guy 2, 10 or 15 years younger. The ladies are online, and they're looking for love! Galen Buckwalter, chief scientist at eHarmony.com says, "Age, in and of itself, is not a factor in compatibility." And yet! It's perfectly normal and non-newsworthy that men date younger women all the damn time. But women looking for younger men online? Stop the presses! The fact is, older women should date younger men. Here's why:

1. They want to. "What do older women want? Younger men," begins the article. If a woman wants a man with more energy and less experience, why the hell shouldn't she try one?

2. "Older" doesn't mean what it used to. The article touches on the "new biology of aging," noting that when you calculate mortality risk, a 65-year-old woman is the biological equivalent of a 60-year-old man. Ladies with grown children are eating healthy and doing yoga, cardio striptease and Pilates (Looking at you, mom!). The character of the bitter widow or sad spinster hasn't been accurate since way before Mona was the one getting the most action on Who's The Boss?

3. Older dudes don't want women their own age anyway. According to the Post, 50 year-old men are looking for women six to 26 years younger. So a 50-year-old woman had better keep her options open... and "younger" is a pretty smart option. Otherwise how would anyone hook up?

4. To prove they can. It might not be politically correct to say so, but frankly, there's often a power in attracting someone younger than yourself. Historically, older women have been devalued and degraded. Women get the attention when they're hot young things, when they're mothers and when they're wise old "crones." The decades between child-bearing and sunset years? Overlooked. But these women are not dead! They should feel free to prove it to themselves and others.

5. Because we need a better word than "cougar." The image of a sleek predatory cat sort of captures a certain aspect of how some women might stalk and shred an unsuspecting gazelle of a man. But doesn't it conjure a certain single-minded desperation with a sexual focus? What about vivacious, smart, experienced, funny and super social ladies who just want to go on dates and see what happens? Are they cougars? Or are they more like butterflies, or owls, or, um, women? Can't we come up with something better? Maybe if legions of them start hitting the town with younger guys, we'll have to.

Older Woman, Younger Man: It's a Match Made in Cyberspace [Washington Post]

The New York Times:

There is no good reason in the world to watch “Date My Ex,” and yet there is something vaguely redeeming in its economic chemistry. Since the first season of “The Bachelor” reality dating shows have typically put striving women in the position of angling for the attention of heirs and doctors and graduates of the better business schools. These Ambers and Tiffanys and Tristas might get the keys to the hotel room or, if they’re really lucky, receive their own chance to weed out partners on television, but they weren’t going to be taken to the Stanford reunion, even as the shows persisted in the fairly tale that it could be otherwise.

“The Real Housewives of Orange County” implicitly understood the limits of social mobility, recognizing the difference between status and money. Slade is a lot wealthier than Jo, but they were equals in their lack of pedigree and everything they didn’t know. Like the other couples on the show, they looked as if they might have a fighting chance, if only because they seemed to hail from the village.

Los Angeles Times:

The guys who show up for the first round were apparently purchased directly from the Reality Dude catalog — there's a personal trainer, a real estate agent, a talent agent and a nutrition salesman. The names don't really matter since the guys are there simply to provide the venues, a series of dream "dates" designed to woo the de-luscious Jo. To say it is ridiculous gives ridiculousness a bad rap. Ol' Jo may have a smokin' hot bod and an admirable willingness to part with her thong at a moment's notice, but a conversationalist she's not, and frankly, I think anyone seeing her without all that makeup might be in for a shock. So clearly no one's looking for a relationship, or even romance. These guys are in it to win it, whatever it is. Meanwhile, Slade is having second thoughts about the whole thing and looking pained. Will he undercut the competition to make himself look better? Will he and Jo wind up back together?

Who cares. Though it is mildly interesting to watch the reality monster consume its own tail for a few minutes, I'd frankly rather spend an hour blotting my lip gloss.

And I don't even wear lip gloss.

iVillage:

Not surprisingly, the series contains some problematic — and sexist — messages. While Jo says that she enjoys her new, more independent existence, these claims are offset by her willingness to allow her ex-boyfriend to exercise some control over her romantic life. It also prompts some contestants to objectify Jo as s possession that has already "belonged" to Slade (one contestant says that Slade has "peed on the tree and marked his turf," while another claims that Slade is "auctioning her off"). All of this may make for voyeuristically entertaining television for mature audiences, but it's definitely not for kids.

Boston Herald:

Bravo could do a public service by rushing this show to its inevitable conclusion. Jo will realize that since Slade has marked her, she’s his forever. The two should marry, be spayed and shot into a space shuttle that will orbit the planet for eternity. In the heavens, they’ll be the stars they’ve always dreamed of - and they’ll be far enough away from the rest of us that we can forget about them.

'Date My Ex' premieres tonight on Bravo at 10 p.m..

Though this article is entirely depressing and mostly pointless, Gold's exploration does beg the question: is it ever productive to reconnect with your exes?

Unless there are specific circumstances, the answer is usually no, it's not productive or at all satisfying. If you're trying to contact an ex because you want to know why he or she broke up with you, you will never get an answer that feels good or useful. For whatever reason, the person just didn't like you anymore. Even if he or she could articulate the reason, it's likely something that you couldn't change, and why should you try? Love yourself the way you are! Not the way some asshat wanted you to be!

If you've reconnected with an ex because you want to enact revenge or show the person how great you are now, that doesn't really work out either, as Gold's essay shows. She did, in fact, meet "Adam" again recently. He's married. But that doesn't stop him from trying to fuck her!

We walk in the park, then go to a gallery. We are behaving like teenagers, trying to impress each other, and we are almost angry at each other for being so excited. We are on a date, and it is much more fun than it used to be, because we are not in a damp squat infested by cardboard furniture and strange bearded men. He walks me to the tube and I clutch his shoulders and hug him. He bends his head and gives me a slightly slimy kiss on the mouth. "When can I call you without being a stalker?" he asks. I feel triumphant. My 14-year-old has beaten his 19-year-old to a pulp; somewhere, my Miss Selfridge skirt is cheering.

Um…yeah. Hopefully, someday Gold realizes this is a Pyrrhic victory. For now, let her be a cautionary tale. No good can come of the manufactured ex-loverreunion!

Remembrance Of Flings Past [Guardian]

I also don't find Tien's honesty "brave," I find it sad. When you share your life with someone, of course you will be frequently annoyed by them. But, beneath those frequent irritations, there is a deep affection, one that's so thickly layered that it's difficult to describe publicly without feeling you've betrayed your partner, or belittled your shared emotions by attempting to explain them in a way that's accessible to others.

Rosin describes the beginning of Tien's piece — it's "a portrait of her bumbling fool of a husband, who lies, always says exactly the wrong thing, scratches his armpit at a parent-teacher conference and then 'absently smells his fingers.'" To publicly denigrate someone you ostensibly still love in that way is kind of scary to me. Why is she staying with someone she doesn't publicly respect? Tien also writes that "Beneath the thumpingly ordinary nature of of our marriage — Everymarriage — runs the silent chyron of divorce." It seems like for her, the chyron is silent but deadly.

Divorce Anyone? [Slate]

Earlier: Slate Power Couple Attempts To Stay Within 15 Feet Of Each Other For 24 Hours

People often wonder what the fallout of a Crap Email is like. We don't often know! This guy contacted us once, thinking his ex-girlfriend had changed her name to Anna Holmes, even though her name was not Anna; when he finally figured out the deal he good-naturedly defended his doghouse-building skills and retreated back into his proverbial own. Truthfully, he seemed really nice, and I felt a little bad. The same cannot be said for "Christopher Davis," the Ayn Rand prostrating author of last week's "I Am, Right Now, Involved In Something More Important," which many of you felt to be the Douchiest Email Of All Time. Here is definitive proof it was not! A tale told in two parts: one note sent to his ex girlfriend after discovering his Crap Email on our site, one sent to us. (And yes, I bought Ayn Rand's journals last weekend and have been crafting a primer on why she is to be avoided. Although that will seem rather unnecessary in a moment.)

On Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:15 PM, Christopher Davis wrote:

Well done, Class Act.

For the record, I did rather dig you, but on the whole I found you . . . insufferable. And my ex going crazy on you — well, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but, Christ, that's a lot for *me* to deal with. You were already high maintenance enough, but if I had to do damage control every time someone I had no control over sent you a crazy, unsubstantiated email, it just Wasn't Going to be Worth It. I had school to think about. Or was it work? (I honestly don't remember when this was). In any case, something Very Much More Important Indeed, and you just Weren't Being Competitive.

But, honestly, you **remembered**? And you **kept the email?** I didn't even remember your **name**. You've sent me emails before now, and since then, haven't you? And I thought they were spam and deleted them. ("Who the hell is Cynthia O'Brien? Probably a phishing scam." That's what went through my head.)

The thing I don't get, is why this got to you so. You must have really liked me. Which, I mean, if the point is "look out for Ayn Rand fans", then I guess if I wasn't so gosh-darned attractive, brilliant, and good in bed, it wouldn't ever really be an issue, now, would it?

-oh, whatever

—-— Forwarded Message
From: Chris Davis
Date: 30 Jun 2008 20:55:22 -0500
To: moe
Cc: anna

Hi Moe!

This is Chris Davis, whose letter you reprinted in your article,
"Crap Email From a Dude: 'I Am, Right Now, Involved In Something More
Important,'" which one can see here:

http://jezebel.com/5020396/i-am-right-now-involved-in-something-more-importa
nt

Now, I could be writing to tell you that your feature is tasteless,
promotes sexism, and secures its readership by offering slanderous and
sensationalized accounts of events not only to which your staff writers are
not party, but of which they (or you) do not undertake to make yourselves
fully informed before offering your shamelessly inflammatory
editorializations.

But! that is not why I am writing at all!

No, I am actually just writing to direct you to cease and desist
immediately, under peril of potential legal action, your continued
publication of my intellectual property, the exclusive rights to which I,
as the sender of the correspondence in question, retain, which you are
currently publishing without my permission.

Your use of my intellectual property does not constitute "fair use" for the
following reasons:
1. You have reprinted the entire work in question, and not just a portion.

2. The use is not transformative — you printed the work in question word
for word and in its entirety, and there is no question of a lack of
constructive comment or criticism, but rather the purpose of the reprint is
to incite and inflame the passions and frustrations of your readers, for
the purpose of drawing them continually to your website.

3. Per #2, given the target audience of your website and the likelihood
that they have experienced similar situations in their lives, it can safely
be assumed that your sole purpose in reprinting the copyrighted work in
question is to further your revenue by strengthening the loyalty of your
readership, and not for purposes of parody, comment, or criticism on the
artistic merits of the original work.

If you do not comply with this directive within 15 days of the time you
receive this e-mail message, I will reserve the right to initiate civil
litigation for some portion of the revenue that has resulted from the sales
of advertisements that have appeared on the article in question.

Cheers!
— Chris

Basically, if you act like you trust you kid to make good choices and have open lines of communication where they don't feel like they have to lie, then they'll spend some of their energy trying to live up to that respect. If you give them a rule book, they'll just run around trying not to get caught breaking it. And, naturally, if you act like you don't care what they do, they won't either.

Look, if your teenager has responsible sex (and they will have some kind of sex) it isn't the end of the world — and it shouldn't be. It might not be in line with your moral judgment, you might think they are too young, whatever. I know my parents weren't (and probably still aren't, lo these many years later) happy about it. On the other hand, if your kid can't talk to you about it, or come to you for comfort and support because they've broken your rules and are so scared of punishment that they can't turn to you when they really need you, then you're neither keeping them from making a mistake nor helping them learn from it. And from someone who used to be a kid who couldn't in a million years talk to her parents, that just sucks.

What the Dating Rules You Set For Your Kids Say About You [Wall Street Journal]

Tormented? Driven witless? 99 problems but therapy bills ain't one? Welcome to "Save Your Life, Cheap!" in which we write about the dumb things that get America's uninsured through hard times. AA meetings, James Joyce, Ani di Franco, suicide hotlines…anything nonalcoholic can apply, the more embarrassing the better. Which brings me to: self-help. In our first installment, Sephora Spy's Loren Hunt reviews the $1 book that got her through the worst breakup ever.

So, it's probably safe to make the baseline assumption that self-help books are not the kind of thing that anyone reads because they think it's cool. For some reason, self-loathing became more inherently cool than trying to fix problems, which would explain the aura of lameness surrounding self-help books: the corny covers, the corny catchphrases, the corny jacket photos, and the corny titles, which are invariably presented in a corny (and really large, readable) font. There are no cool self-help books. Cool people do not write self-help books. Happy people write them. And they could give a fuck who thinks they're cool. And you know who else doesn't give a fuck who thinks they're cool? A 23-year-old stripper who just used up every last shred of self-regard finally "breaking up" with the three-timing strip club DJ she had been fucking for the past year. And that, friends, is how I came to appreciate It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, the second offering from Greg Berendt of He's Just Not That Into You fame.

Have you ever played yourself so badly in a relationship that even years after the fact the salient details are still enough to embarrass you? The kind of situation so inherently unfortunate that, upon its demise, you don't even want to tell your friends it has ended because they'll just snort, "good," and assume that it is so obvious that you are better off without it that there is nothing left to say on the topic? I met him because we worked together. At the strip club. He was living with his girlfriend when we first started hooking up, while sorting out the details of a divorce to a third woman. Our "relationship" only ever seemed to happen on the weekends, after work, where sometimes we engaged in what he liked to call "non-sex." Non-sex was when we did it, but then he denied doing it. I felt sleazy and dissolute, which, at the time, was novel and exciting. He was so nice when it was just us. And passionate. And caring. And secretly really awesome! I encouraged him to get secretly awesome all over me on and off and on and off for almost a year before I was ready to cut off my drama supply at the source and move on to something possibly healthier. But by then, I'd become attenuated to the bombast and obvious chord progressions of his Bon Jovi song style of lovin' and everything else just seemed... too quiet. Or subtle. Or something. Which was finally enough to scare me... strip clubs and nocturnal relationships with strip club DJs were supposed to be more of an interesting digression for me than a permanent lifestyle plan, and I felt in danger of falling through one of my own cracks. So I cut him off and stopped going to work lest he use his DJ microphone to manipulate me back into his good graces (this is the beauty of strip club jobs. You can take a week or a month or a year off and no one even notices). It was around then that I found a typo-ridden galley copy of something called It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy. This would have been almost five years ago. It was only a dollar and I thought maybe it would at least entertain me while I prostrated my unwashed body in front of my window unit air conditioner and flipped wildly back and forth between hating him and hating myself, murderous rage and spontaneous crying jags, fantasies in which his head exploded a la Scanners and tender reconciliation scenes that featured me in a trashy white bridal bikini.

It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken brings the added component of Berendt's wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, to the wisdom offered up in He's Just Not That Into You, which is the guide to figuring out what's really going on with all that non-sex. (Namely, break up. Or, more commonly, wait for him to break up with you, which leads to that kind of horrible soul-crushing life-wrecking freshly-dumped angst most of us are relatively familiar with.) (I was proud not to have figured out the He's Just Not That Into You part on my own over the course of a year.) Anyway, the basic premise of this book is that the Behrendts were able to fall in love and build a happy relationship purely because both parties lived through a lot of bullshit before they met each other, namely of the breakup variety. Their co-authorship serves as sort of a built-in source of hope to people who are presumably reading the book because they have just had their heart masticated, digested, and flushed down someone else's toilet. They are, thankfully, not particularly obnoxious about this, choosing instead to stick to practical coping methods that you can use to put your breakup in the past and get on with your life.

Part 1: The Breakup

The first thing I couldn't figure out about my breakup was why it hurt so much. I mean, it had been a bad time for which I had for whatever reason repeatedly shown up of my own volition. I should have known better than to get involved in the first place, I knew the whole time nothing good would come of it, and it seemed to me that ending it would be a relief, like walking away from a car crash with only a few scrapes. And sometimes it did feel like that. But more often, it was the usual, "Whyyyy don't youuuu LOVE meee?" shit. Which would in turn make me really angry with myself, like I was so dumb that I had deserved the whole thing. The first section of this book does a good job of talking you down from taking full responsibility for anything other than making sure the broken relationship stays over and consequently taking care of yourself. They're always asking you what you'd want with a broken relationship. Which is the kind of simple logic I needed after spending the past year twisted into a veritable pretzel of denial and convoluted thinking. Then, just to make sure, after asking, the book repeatedly tells you that you don't want a broken relationship so many times that by the second section, it starts to stick.

Part 2: The "Breakover"
Commandment 1 — Don't See Him or Talk to Him for Sixty Days: Actually, it is that simple, it's just not that easy. If you were quitting smoking, you wouldn't buy cigarettes, hang out with people who smoked cigarettes, go to places where people were smoking cigarettes, or get drunk and call cigarettes at 4 A.M. begging them to come over for one last smoke.

I was all set to argue with this like, "this is exactly what I would do if I were quitting smoking!" Then I remembered that I was still a smoker! They, um, refer to this as "he-tox." I picked up a few phone calls I shouldn't have during this period of time, but for the most part, I stayed away. The thing about my ex was that he was super-charming and looked like an underwear model. I did not stand a chance in the same room as him and I knew it; hence the entire non-relationship. I stayed away like my life depended on it, which, looking back, it kind of did. Not that he was ever abusive or dangerous. It had more to do with the kind of life I wanted to live, a life in which my boyfriend would publicly admit he was my boyfriend and hang out with me during daylight hours. Bare minimum.

Commandment 2 — Get Yourself A Breakup Buddy 'But he was my best friend.' So was that girl who smelled like egg salad in the third grade, but you don't still need her around, do you?

The breakup buddy is like the Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor of broken hearts, dedicated to raising your morale and being on call for commiseration, all the while keeping you committed to your sixty day he-tox. Personally, I was so embarrassed by the fact that I'd allowed myself to be in a relationship so royally screwed up that my non-boyfriend habitually disappeared when the sun came up that I didn't really want to talk about it anymore by the time the breakup happened. A big part of making the break, for me, was to finally admit that the relationship had even happened, since he'd been extremely adamant about keeping it hidden at work. I cried on my friend Tiffany, a fellow stripper who knew him, a few times, and that was pretty much that.

Commandment 3 — Get Rid of His Stuff and the Things That Remind You of Him Be strict about it, but reasonable as well. Let's not pack up all the glasses because he loved orange juice, but the framed pictures of the two of you, his toothbrush and toiletries, and his CDs have to go.

The Behrendts also recommend recruiting your breakup buddy to deliver your stuff back to your ex so that you don't have to break your he-tox period and risk backsliding by doing it yourself. This was probably the most effective chapter for me, because it required absolutely no hard labor: I didn't have any of his stuff. Even after a year. This spoke volumes I was finally ready to listen to.

Commandment 4 — Get Your Ass in Motion Every Day Besides, you've got to have a life, because when you do meet the next guy and he asks you what you're into, you don't want to say, 'My ex-boyfriend.'

That is some real talk. The book predictably advocates exercise as a good way to fill your newly empty days, but it takes into account the fact that when you're truly devastated, getting out of bed counts as an achievement. Then it discusses hobbies, as well as making a list of all the things you didn't do because you were with whoever and doing them all by yourself. When I was ready to get off the couch, I walked into another, better strip club and got another job. It was so easy I suddenly understood why he'd been so clingy even while totally unwilling to behave the way a real boyfriend should: he'd known that this day would come. He'd been wondering what was taking me so long. And the bonus of working at a club that he did not also work at was turned out to be that he wasn't there to distract me. I rearranged my whole work strategy and finally started making the kind of money they tell you strippers make.

Commandment 5—Don't Wear Your Breakup Out Into the World Indulging in messy public breakup behavior only makes those around you uncomfortable and makes you seem unstable. So keep it to yourself and your dearest friends after business hours, and make a pact with yourself to try to live the vision of what you want your life to look like. Every time you step outside, you should make an effort to reflect the person you are on your way to becoming, not the shell of the shattered woman he dumped. Turn that husk into a tamale!

Tamale status begins with dressing cute at all times and refraining from crying at work. Earlier in the book, they reference the Lili Taylor character from Say Anything, the one accompanying herself on guitar to a song called "Joe Lies" in the middle of a party. And here is the thing about that character: what is awesome and hilarious at a party in a a romantic comedy is pathetic and uncomfortable at an actual party, for everyone, except at the time perhaps the one too grief-stricken and wounded to care much about superficial shit like "pride" and "dignity" in the moment, but oh my god that will change. The book recommends that you abstain from this kind of behavior, and I was good at this. Few people who knew both of us even really knew we were dating, and would have been surprised at the level of involvement and how hard I was taking it if they did know. I kept doing like I'd been doing and eventually started believing that it hadn't been such a big deal. In a lot of ways, it began to seem mutually convenient that we hadn't had a "real" relationship. I realized this a few months later when I attempted to be a breakup buddy to Moe and had the distinct pleasure of watching her send a text to her ex that read "I want to shit in your eye." I laughed hysterically. I probably wasn't cut out to be a breakup buddy.

Commandment 6 — No Backsliding! Once you give in to it, you find yourself caught in the worst kind of relationship purgatory—the demotion—because you are in effect telling your ex that he can still have access to you WITHOUT the emotional responsibilities. Backsliding doesn't mean you're getting back together, it just means you've lowered your standards and accepted a demotion from ex-girlfriend with self-esteem to ex-girlfriend whom he can still get busy with if he wants to.

Ouch. The fact that my entire non-relationship was a demotion out of the gate was ample reason for me to avoid backsliding. That didn't mean I didn't want to hear his voice or turn the lights on to inspect his perfect hip ridges up close one more time. But I didn't. Okay, I did, but years later, and when I was totally over him. They really are perfect! But by then, I felt like Jennifer Connelly at the end of Labyrinth, surprising herself by realizing that it's actually true when she says to David Bowie, "you have no power over me." This day will come. You know it will come. So think of it this way; the faster you stop having unsatisfying, emotionally fraught post-breakup sex with your ex, the quicker you'll be able to have hot unattached meaningless sex with him!

Commandment 7 — It Won't Work Unless You Are Number One! You are the prize, the sun, the moon, and the stars. Not him or anyone else. You can love your friends, you can love your family, and you can love every stray dog or stray drummer that crosses your path. HOWEVER, you have to learn how to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting relationship you're looking for.

Yeah, this is the hard one. Do I love myself yet? I'm getting closer all the time! I haven't begged anyone to use me as a convenient repository for all of their bullshit quite as flagrantly as I did while dating the DJ, and my boyfriends have become increasingly realer and realer as time has passed, with none of them counting as completely brutally gnarly Bad Ideas. I'd call it progress. While I have not yet found the healthy, loving, and lasting relationship I'd like to have yet, it is also true that I've gotten infinitely better at coping with the resultant breakups and in the process, wasted a lot less of my own time. I'm still not sure that rules are necessarily as ruthlessly applicable to the human heart in the way that the Behrendts suggest they might be, but I do have faith that I will now be able to recognize which rules are made to be broken in a way that I didn't before.

It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken [Amazon]

But most importantly, how low do housing prices have to sink before these guys start mixing with, god forbid, female lawyers? And who will they hit up if it truly is the next Depression? Teach for America? God I love this country.

Fashion Meets Finance

Coloccia has many scoops like this, which is why, perhaps, she is "developing" an online dating course. Which people will be able to take online. Lord knows how much Coloccia's class will cost (her book is $16.99 on Amazon) but here's some FREE ADVICE regarding dating online:

It's dating. With e-mail.

People lie online. They also lie in bars, at dinner parties and in bed. People post old pictures online. They also wear toupees, assume an expensive car will act as bait and have clammy hands in real life. There are married guys looking to cheat online, just like in real life! You can meet a gross loser online, just like you can in real life. And! I have dated online and I can safely say: You can meet a great, funny, smart, cute guy online. Just like you can in real life. It may not be easy, but since when is dating — of any kind — simple?

Married? Sleazy? Web Dater Finds Ways To Pick Losers [Reuters]
How To Navigate Online Dating’s Depths [MSNBC, via Reuters]

Earlier: New Ruel: When Dating Online Add 20 Years, 100 Lbs. To Your Partner's Profile

Ever lie to your significant other? Does s/he ever lie to you? According to a new survey by the esteemed scientists at Harlequin Romance, one in two American men and women have lied to get out of a date. (What do you use? An old friend is in town, I think I've got the flu, I have to work late?) The study also found that 61% of men think it's okay to lie when a woman asks "does this make me look fat?" (Something you should really never ever ask anyone. I think that just saying the word "fat" puts it in the person's head and then they will always look at you that way.) And so while everyone thinks these little white lies are all well and good, you've got to wonder: Is lying a slippery slope?

Most of the time, honestly is the best policy, even if it stings. At least you know "the truth." Because isn't lying kind of addictive? I'd had friends who dated guys who suddenly turned out to be married. With kids. These are the same guys who say stuff like, "You always look gorgeous" (lie!) or "You're the best I've ever had." Once you get in the "tell 'em what they want to hear" mode, is it hard to break out? Is it okay to tell a guy he looks great when he doesn't? Is it okay to tell a guy his cooking is great (when it's not)? Is it okay to tell a guy he's great in bed (when he's not)? Where do you draw the line? Personally, I think lying about sex, exes and money is a no-no. But that's just me. What is it not okay to lie about?

Lying Not Bad When It Comes To Dating, Survey Shows [Reuters]

A quick survey of the other Jezebels shows that half of us have indeed met dudes at bars — and not just for sex! Tracie made two good friends when she lived in London at the local pub. Is it regional? Personal taste? Maybe it's just Brooklyn, as, at the end of Nicole's night, she found herself "text-messaging friends for real, live human engagement...finished a second beer and headed to a house party nearby. Surrounded by friends, finally, I was poured a shot of sake by the host and introductions to new guys were suddenly fluid and simple. And then I realized they were all gay." Sigh.

Brooklyn, The Borough: Bowling Alone in Williamsburg [Observer]

Love finds a way. The teenage girls interviewed for this story are sneaky and clever, as teenage girls are. Some dress up as men and visit men-only establishments. And while unmarried men and women may not speak to each other because Islam forbids a stranger to hear your voice, this is the era of Facebook and cell phones. Instant messaging and text messaging bring some young people together. Not everyone is comfortable with it, however. Sara al-Tukhaifi, 18, says: "One test is that if you're ashamed to tell your family something, then you know for sure it's wrong. For a while I had Facebook friends who were boys — I didn't e-mail with them or anything, but they asked me to "friend" them and so I did. But then I thought about my family and I took them off the list."

While there are penalties for being caught with an unrelated member of the opposite sex (arrest, flogging) — the worst is the dishonor that would be invoked. Explains Enad al-Mutairi, a 20-year-old police officer: "One of the most important Arab traditions is honor. If my sister goes in the street and someone assaults her, she won't be able to protect herself. The nature of men is that men are more rational. Women are not rational. With one or two or three words, a man can get what he wants from a woman. If I call someone and a girl answers, I have to apologize. It's a huge deal. It is a violation of the house." Enad's cousin, Nader al-Mutairi calls himself "a romantic person." He feels that the way things are set up in Saudi Arabia, "there is no romance." Yet his ring tone is a love song; he is engaged to Enad's sister and they text message each other. When she calls, or writes a message, his phone flashes "My Love" over two interlocked red hearts.

Meanwhile, the Times also interviews a 17-year-old girl named Shaden (seen veiled in the photo above). Her favorite DVD is Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet. "It's a bit like our society, I think," She says. "It's dignified, and a bit strict... When Darcy comes to Elizabeth and says 'I love you' — that's exactly the kind of love I want."

One has to wonder: In a country which offers young men very little in the way of entertainment — no movie theaters, few sports facilities and with shopping malls off-limits — couldn't Love be a worthwhile pastime? If only it were not so difficult to find? As one commenter on the Times blog noted, "[It] is dangerous... to have too many young men in their twenties who have too little to do. They become prey to ideologues of seventh-century political cults, and ultimately, willing cannon fodder." When you don't take Love for granted, when Love is all you need, can Love save the day?

Love On Girls' Side Of The Saudi Divide, Q&A: Love in Saudi Arabia, Young Saudis, Vexed And Entranced By Love's Rules, Love In Saudi Arabia (video) [NY Times]

My friend Ryan just dedicated a blog to pictures of couples engaging in PDA. It's called "Your Love Hurts Me." And it is probably a testament to his character that my friend Don steadfastly refuses to make out in public, even when he is really really drunk. Which leads me back to the subject of Memphis principal Daphne Beasley.

Is there a more depressing place on this earth than the high school hallway after school during homecoming season when there's a couple sucking face at every third locker and your crush doesn't know you're alive??

Okay, Baghdad is a more depressing place. Our old reliable Yemen isn't looking too great either.

Principal Allegedly Outs Gay Students [ABC News]
Your Love Hurts Me

Also, defending a woman's honor frequently? Like the Times of London writer Arion McNicoll jokes, "Frequently? Are we talking fisticuffs or pistols at dawn? I am embarrassed to confess that I fall into the lily-livered 66 per cent, who would rather shuffle off quietly than take matters outside when my lady's virtue is at issue." In college I had a boyfriend try to start a shoving match at the campus bar with a hockey player who was hitting on me in a really gross manner. Part of me was secretly titillated that he was willing to get the crap beat out of him by a Neanderthal on my behalf. The other part of me just wanted to get the fuck out of there and avoid a messy, possibly-violent conflict. So basically I thought he was being an asshole but I loved him for it. Sigh.

Chivalry Is Dead, Long Live Chivalry[Times of London]

[Redacted] (Franklin Township) 30 years old | Software engineer for a financial firm. | 5' 6" I think it is important to continually try to improve myself. It's important for me to be in settings where I will meet new people, and to create romance in a relationship. I enjoy mingling with people on social occasions. I strive to understand other people's points of view.