"The key is the picture... as terrible as it sounds," said CBS anchor Chris Wragge. Match.com "relationship expert" Whitney Casey agreed. She helped CNET Senior Editor Natalie Del Conte set up her very own profile, which included a tutorial on choosing the right picture. One, where Del Conte is wearing a life jacket was vetoed: "'active girl' is great, but not for your main picture," said Casey. Another was turned down: "depressed latte girl, not a good one." (Black and white is also bad, as are old pictures, and "crop-outs, crop-out is a cop-out.") After wading through several minutes of Casey's brilliant advice, it came down to this: chose an attractive picture and don't lie.

Other important "insider" tips included: write your profile to reflect the correspondence you want to have, keep in mind that "no answer is an answer," and only mention things that you feel strongly about. This advice wasn't bad per se, it just seemed a little bit obvious. Does anyone really need an "expert" to tell them how to act "natural"?

Despite Casey's insistence that online dating is now a widely-accepted manner in which to meet a mate, this hilarious section from the Onion News Network shows the other side of the virtual coin. In a clip titled "Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently," Onion "reporter" Jeff Tate discusses the benefits of internet matchmaking: "innovative features like instant messaging and video chat make destroying one's self esteem as easy as clicking a mouse," and "the endless string of first dates is unlikely to result in a lasting relationship, but it can occupy a woman's attention enough to distract her from killing herself." It may be just a joke, but like most of the Onion's stories, there is a certain ring of truth in the parody. Many people still view sites like Match.com as a place for sex-starved creeps and desperate old maids. As Sadie discussed earlier this summer, online dating might have lost some of its stigma, but for those who truly hate dating and the sweaty palms, racked nerves, and potential for disaster that necessarily comes with it, online dating may be just as fraught as the "real" thing.

Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

Polishing Your Online Dating Profile [CBS News]
Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently [The Onion]

Related: Has Online Dating Really Lost Its Stigma?, Online Dating Expert Reveals Not-So-Secret "Secrets"

We've never had a problem with opening the car door ourselves, having sex before the 90-day mark, or paying for our own movie tickets, especially after we offer to go dutch. Guys didn't seem to mind either, but Steve Harvey has informed us of our grave error. In the clip at left, Steve explains that if a guy really loves you, he'll show it through what he calls the three Ps: "We profess, we provide, and we protect. We will give you a title if we love you. We're gonna make you our something. That's how we mark our territory." And in return, we puke!

Dating "rules" are usually dumb, and this list is especially bad. Proving yet again that, yes, women can be sexist too, Penny Isaacs and Sarah Lockett lay down the law for having a man over to dinner. The first few rules on their list of 10 are all about the setting: don't serve him champagne, don't put on romantic music, and don't dim the lights. OK, so they think you should not act like a romcom cliche, and I suppose that makes sense - and while it does enforce stupid gender stereotypes, that is kind of a given with stuff like this. They even include a few nuggets of common sense that I can get behind, like eat as much as you want, and don't criticize his mother (why this would even be an issue on a first date is beyond me, but whatever).

However, numbers 7 and 8 really bring the stupid:

7. Don't let him help with the washing up.
WHAT?! He should help clear up if you've gone to the trouble of cooking a meal for him, right? Wrong. When you invite people for a meal, do you expect them to load the dishwasher? No. And we don't offer to do it at other people's houses either. One key objective in cooking for a date is to make you look like a capable, efficient hostess who hasn't slaved too keenly over a hot stove all day. It must look as though you have whipped up a delicious spread without skipping a beat, AND without making a massive pile of dirty pots and pans. You are not auditioning as his housekeeper! Incidentally, clear up mess and conceal the work you've put into the meal BEFORE he arrives.

First of all, I do offer to help clean up at other people's houses. If any guest really wants to help with the clean up, it is ridiculous to tell them no. As for hiding all the work that went into the meal, well, they know. But Sarah and Penny apparently see the first date as an audition to be a '50's housewife, so clean bitches, clean!

And we saved the worst for last:

8. Don't forget about current affairs.
WHAT?! You expect me to recite ten members of Barack Obama's team? Well no. But you are hardly going to be whispering sweet nothings all evening, so you're going to have to hold a conversation with your Dish, and it will help to know something about what's been going on in the world. You don't have to be fluent in the Sub Prime Mortgage Lending Crisis but scan the headlines. Check out the news on MSN. Most men want a woman they can talk to. In our experience, men absorb current events as if by osmosis. Even if you just know the latest twists and turns in the Britney saga, or who won Strictly, it would give you something to discuss if conversation wanes.

Yes, because the only reason a woman might possibly want to know about current events is to impress a man. Men don't have to worry about this, because they just somehow know about current events, but we ladies have to work hard to memorize basic facts, like who is running the country.

10 things a girl shouldn't do on a first date [MSN UK]

Just start carrying a small stuffed animal as a conversation piece and spilling your drink on attractive men and you'll never be stuck at home watching Dallas reruns by yourself again!

The Art Of Meeting Men [Videogum]

The difficulty with all the post-feminist whining about how women have "rules" that change that men don't know how to follow is that it continues to be a failure to recognize that women are all different, just as all dudes are different. Some women and some men want to kiss on the first date; others want to fuck; and yet others want to wait on one or both counts. Some women want doors opened and checks paid and still others will open the door and split the check and consider it a wonderful time  and some guys will be offended if you try to pay, or open your own door, or will be ecstatic that you don't care. And  this might be shocking  there was no halcyon time when women all wanted the same thing any more than there was one when men did. Women were always individuals with individual likes, dislikes and (to a degree) moral values  and yes, so were men.

So, look, obviously I shouldn't go out with a 35-year-old Mormon virgin who wants to wait for marriage any more than he should go out with me. Dating is about finding the person with whom you are actually compatible when you're both being yourselves. If Sanghera doesn't like women that want to adopt cats, then the women he dates should probably tell him that on the first date so they don't waste anyone's time. If you're the jealous type, hell, believe me, there are guys (and girls) who are perfectly happy in those kinds of relationships. If you are looking to get married in the next year, don't date a guy for the next 11 months who isn't and then get all upset when he doesn't propose. And if you're the type of guy who just wants to fuck random girls he meets in bars, then continue trolling bars for random girls looking to fuck random dudes  just don't be mad when we aren't all looking for that. And if somebody doesn't like you for being a cat-lover or the kind of person who fucks on the first date or the one who wants to wait for marriage, don't pretend to be what you aren't to be liked or (even worse) fake liking the other person. Be who you are so that someone likes you.

Woman Have So Many Don'ts. What's A Guy To Do? [The Times]

Coloccia has many scoops like this, which is why, perhaps, she is "developing" an online dating course. Which people will be able to take online. Lord knows how much Coloccia's class will cost (her book is $16.99 on Amazon) but here's some FREE ADVICE regarding dating online:

It's dating. With e-mail.

People lie online. They also lie in bars, at dinner parties and in bed. People post old pictures online. They also wear toupees, assume an expensive car will act as bait and have clammy hands in real life. There are married guys looking to cheat online, just like in real life! You can meet a gross loser online, just like you can in real life. And! I have dated online and I can safely say: You can meet a great, funny, smart, cute guy online. Just like you can in real life. It may not be easy, but since when is dating  of any kind  simple?

Married? Sleazy? Web Dater Finds Ways To Pick Losers [Reuters]
How To Navigate Online Dating’s Depths [MSNBC, via Reuters]

Earlier: New Ruel: When Dating Online Add 20 Years, 100 Lbs. To Your Partner's Profile