Jezebel 
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New York, 1:04 AM
Tue Nov 24
65 posts in the last 24 hours
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10/27/09
LiveLove#savagelove #dansavage #andysambergjoannanewsom
10/27/09
08/24/09
08/24/09
I smell Marketing Fears all over the subtitle copy.
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But his advice strikes me as extremely practical and non-judgemental--he knows what makes people tick sexually and he doesn't sugar-coat the reality of it. I also like that he never moralizes to people about their fetishes or kinks (provided everyone is a consenting adult).
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08/24/09
I love him, overall. He's not perfect, and I don't always agree with him, but he's always entertaining. And occasionally he'll apologize for previous advice.
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@valhalla_i_am_coming: In his book 'The Kid' (about adopting his son), he talks about how lots of people in his family are overweight and he jokes it will happen to him when he gets older.
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I think his take on the Pitt. shooting is interesting, but if you read Slog (the Stranger's blog), he absolutely blasted the guys who perpetrate this "you deserve to fuck a young hot woman and if they don't get you, it's THEIR fault" theories. He put a lot of the blame on them, but I think the column focused a little too much on the idea that if he'd seen a sex worker (and he freely said he wouldn't want this guy to see any of his sex worker friends), he might not have shot up a room of women.
(Disclaimer: he lives near me, I've bet him a few times, so I'm pretty biased.)
08/24/09
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08/13/09
I don't think men realise that a lot of women's "suck-up"-ness is because women's physical disadvantage means we have to put up barriers. Especially in nightclubs, at night time and in any other environment where men can be lecherous and women can be vulnerable.
One day when I was out riding my bike, my boyfriend and a male friend of mine drove past in the car and, recognising me, beeped at me. When they got no response, they slowed down and called out. I had been harrassed by about three other guys on my ride and I was at the end of my tether. When I told them to fuck off (not realising who they were) they were genuinely horrified - it had never crossed their minds that beeping at women and calling things out (things they had undoubtedly never done before) could be upsetting.
That was the day that I realised men really don't understand this one fundamental thing about women.
I also think this fear - even when it's pushed to the backs of our minds - makes us more suspicious of awkward, nervous or socially-inept guys, because they're the less predictable ones. And if there's one thing Law and Order has told us, it's the social outliers to watch out for. It's sad and unfortunate, but it undoubtedly makes things worse for genuinely shy or nice (as opposed to self-described "nice") guys who aren't comfortable.
I wonder how many men have "beeped" (in a metaphorical sense) at women in bars and thought they were bitches because they didn't respond in a warm and open manner.
08/12/09
08/12/09
Sex work isn't the issue, the issue is the insane entitlement some men have. 50 years ago men didn't think that having a string of casual relationships with very young women was possible, so they were happy being with reasonably attractive women around their own age. Most mentally stable men are still happy with this. Its the fringe group who buy into the myth that he is entitled to porn star sex with college students until his penis falls off.
But I'm really not convinced that visiting sex workers can often be a reasonable form of counselling. Not only does the guy have to be open to it (and not write her off as a cheap whore), the sex worker has to have a pretty advanced understanding of the different ways people interact romantically and be skilled enough to deliver the information in ways the john can use. A lot of trained therapists fall short in this area, so I'm not trying to disparage sex workers when I say I think the odds of a sex worker being able to help a guy who truly can't date aren't great, even if he doesn't have crazy unrealistic standards.
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08/12/09
Pro's are people too folks. Let's not throw them under the bus.
08/12/09
Then again, maybe my problem is I have no idea why anyone would want to go on a date with me, while this asshole thinks, or at least tries to think, that everyone should want him and he's too good for most of them. Self-loathing can manifest itself in a lot of different ways.
08/12/09
I'm not sure if he still feels sexually frustrated, but he says he envies his more conventionally attractive, sexually experienced male colleagues at work, and said that if he didn't have regular contact with friends and siblings, he would go insane (and I believe him...his major depression escalated into serious OCD during college, where he was at his lonliest and most isolated).
I think I agree with Dan Savage...you could argue that a therapist is a like a special friend (or at least a well-meaning acquaintance) who is paid to provide a non-judgmental environment that focuses on your problems.
"Listening" (and thoughtful responses) is the service that some people have to pay for, while others can go to friends or family and get it for free.
Why should a heavily regulated, well-paid sex industry--one that protects workers from potentially violent assholes like Sodini and takes human trafficking/child prostitution at least as seriously as now--be any different?
(I realize some of the protests--it feeds into the notion that people have perpetual access to women's bodies, period. Doesn't that ignore the self-determination of women who would work in the sex indutustry, under ideal/legalized/heavily regulated circumstances? Doesn't it make the concept of "mutual consent" too narrow, to just say ALL sex work is like rape, because women have no choice over what they will and will not do? What if they DID have choices and could negotiated their boundaries while still earning a living? Again---couldn't you argue that my getting a therapist feeds into the false notion that I simply DESERVE someone who will listen to my complaints, someone whose expression of criticism or judgment will likely be more focused and restrained than even a friend's? Why is that any less necessary than sex, so long as the sex isn't violent? )
I will say this...I wonder how many sex workers' clients want to go to prostitutes because they insist on acts few women do willingly, even for money...things that are violent or especially degrading.
Whatever that portion is, if sex work was legalized and regulated (instead of underground and in the shadows), couldn't sex workers be better protected? Wouldn't that part of the market--of women wrangled into dangerous tricks for psychos--dry up? (I guess that's where trafficking would come in...hmm.)
08/12/09
I'm a sex worker, and Dan is right that Sodini would likely be a horrible client, and maybe even dangerous. He might not have been dangerous back in 1991, but he would have certainly been the kind of douche to completely look down on the sex worker.
I do have clients who think of me as a person and treat me with respect. I also have clients who think I'm a worthless whore. And you know what? I don't actually care. Their money is just as good, and frankly I can always just remember that I'm young and hot and they're old and paying for it.
If George Sodini had been a douchey John for the last twenty years instead of marinating in his own bitterness, would he have shot up the gym? Would he have killed a sex worker instead? Would he have gotten his shit together before now and started dating actual women? Would he still just be a perpetual john with no outside dating life but a lot less anger? The sad truth is that we'll never know.
08/12/09
Sorry, that sounded really bad.