As I said, it was ridiculously complicated.

The Art Of Confusing Children: Paula Abdul Edition [Fourfour]

[Sydney, October 23. Image via Getty.]

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - OCTOBER 23: Two members of The Trocks, the all male ballet company from New York, dance in Kings Cross fountain on October 23, 2009 in Sydney, Australia. Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo or 'The Trocks' were first founded in New York in 1974 and return to Australia in 2009 to celebrate their 35th Anniversary. (Photo by Brendon Thorne/Getty Images)

Confession: Dancing baby videos do nothing for me. Otters holding hands? Yes. Diapered tots? Nah. But Anna forced me to write this story. So I had to watch a lot of babies. And I think I might be coming around! And in any case, as Ada Calhoun writes for Time, the global phenomenon has reached a fever pitch:

Baby Cory's famous "Single Ladies" video has spawned SingleBabies.com, where you can donate to the New Zealand toddler's college fund. (You can also follow Baby Cory on Twitter, or be his friend on Facebook.

So why do babies like "Single Ladies"? Because, Time's Calhoun finds, the song is super simple.

"The song is very Teletubbies," says Tony-nominated musician Kenny Mellman. "If you listen to it, there is very little music. It's all drum and Beyoncé's voice." Kara Shall, communications director of Baby Loves Disco, agrees. "Young children love songs with good rhythm and repetition, and 'Single Ladies' certainly has both," says Shall, whose company once a month in 21 cities turns bars into child-proof discos. (She also notes that her own children, ages 5 and 2, are big fans of the Beyoncé song.) In addition —

OK, I'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT APPARENTLY BABIES ARE MAKING THE GREATEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. A gallery of highlights, below.

The Original! Baby Cory's video has more than 2 million views.

This kid has excellent hip action.

Award this little girl extra points for an authentic costume.

Diaper butt helps with the choreography.

A broken leg will not stop a kid from the mesmerizing chorus, "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

This baby gets by with a little help.

All the Single Babies: Why Do Tots Love Beyoncé? [Time]

69 Boyz-Tootsie Roll I was in 7th grade when "Tootsie Roll" hit the radio, and it was the jaaaaaaam as far as my 13-year-old peers were concerned. Any dance that provides instructions is going to be a hit with kids, as you can look like you know your shit simply by copying the moves explicitly laid out for you in the lyrics. Being a wallflower, I was the type who actually sat on the side and ate Tootsie Roll Pops as opposed to actually doing to Tootsie Roll, but I nodded my head and laughed as my friends hit the floor and executed it perfectly. Did they all run off and have sex immediately afterward? No. Sometimes, believe it or not, kids are just dancing. Did teachers make sure people weren't dancing too close or being too sexual about it? Yes. I suppose you have to find the line between letting kids express themselves and letting kids essentially hump on the dance floor.


Freak Nasty-Da Dip Da Dip was problematic in my school as it required "putting your hand upon my hip." The teachers were not having that. You could do "da dip" at my middle school dances as long as you did it by yourself. Still: the lyrics! I can't believe they played this AT SCHOOL! Good lord.


Ini Kamoze- Here Comes The Hotstepper Ah, "Here Comes The Hotstepper." As I'm typing this, I can't stop laughing at the mental image of my entire middle school on the dance floor, screaming "murderer!" as our teachers frowned all around us. I'm not sure what my middle school administrators were thinking, but I assume that as long as nobody danced too close or got too suggestive on the dance floor, we could scream murderer and get down to whatever song the DJ happened to play.


Ace Of Base- All That She Wants I still have no idea what this song is about. "All that she wants, is another baby!" Does that mean she wants another boyfriend? Another child? We had no idea what this song was about when we danced to it in 1994, and I'm still confused.


Naughty By Nature- O.P.P. I'm guessing that most of our teachers didn't know what "O.P.P." stood for. Either that, or they assumed we didn't.


Color Me Badd- I Wanna Sex You Up I have no idea why DJs thought "I Wanna Sex You Up" was appropriate school dance music, but they always played it. I have always, always hated this song. This is the song that would come on the radio while you were in the car with your parents on the way to McDonald's or something and it would make you want to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment. I am cringing right now, actually. I don't know if it's residual trauma or because the song is just cringeworthy as it is.


House Of Pain- Jump Around Jump Around was always the most popular song at the dance, because even those of us who were terrible dancers could muster up the energy to, you know, jump around.


Los Del Rio- The Macarena Of course, there are some dances that, despite vaguely suggestive lyrics, are always considered "family-friendly." The Macarena, which was all over the place by the time I hit 8th grade, is one of those dances. Our teachers were doing it! Our parents were doing it! Our 4-year-old siblings were doing it! No wonder we begged the DJ to play the Tootsie Roll.

While I can certainly see the logic behind banning overtly sexual dancing on the floor at school functions, like I said earlier, I think there needs to be a balance between letting kids dance and letting kids get all up on one another. What do you think, commenters? Should certain dances be banned? Certain songs? Feel free to add your input, as well as your school dance anthems and memories, in the comments.

Florida Schools Ban Sexy Dancing [UPI]

[London, August 12. Image via Getty]

LONDON, ENGLAND - AUGUST 12: A young girl dances as a brass band performs at Westminster Abbey on August 12, 2009 in London, England. A brass band will perform a free concert in the gardens at Westminster Abbey every Wednesday throughout the summer. (Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)

Need to work on your moves? Well perhaps you should order "Breakin' and Poppin'," the breakdancing how-to book written by a young Alfonso Ribeiro, who is probably best remembered for his role as Carlton Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Learn how to do the Moonwalk and the King Tut to the double album Rap Attack, all for $19.99! You can't get a better deal than this!



And if you work on your moves hard enough, you, too, can work it like this:

There are certain social abilities that, whether we like it or not, we're often expected to have. One of those skills, unfortunately for wallflowers like myself, is dancing.

I am a terribly shy person in "real life," to the point where, if I'm wearing black, it's hard to differentiate where my body ends and the wall begins. This is not because I don't want to be socializing; it's because I am dreadful at it and have a terrible time with crowds and strangers. The conversation in my brain doesn't match up with the words that come flying out of my mouth; in my mind, I'm zinging left and right, but what comes out is "Oh, yes. I like that television show as well."

However, when I'm with a group of friends, I'm good, I'm all right, I'm myself and ready to go. Until somebody says the dreaded words: "Let's go dancing!" To which my brain responds: Oh god oh no oh shit oh for fuck's sake oh what excuse can I make this time? How easy would it be to break my ankle right here?

For a non-dancer, the social anxiety attached to dancing is hard to even put into words. Let me just preface this by stating that not only am I too shy too dance, I am terrible at dancing. I make Elaine Benes look like Mikhail Baryshnikov. But dancing is an unavoidable part of socializing: it begins with middle school dances, rooms filled with peers who suddenly have abilities you didn't know about, dancing around like professionals to such gems as the Tootsie Roll and Skee-lo's "I Wish" while you, the Wallflower, stare at Brian Murphy's ears and think, "If only I could do the damn butterfly! Then he'd love my coke bottle glasses and brace face!"

In high school, of course, the proms come around. Luckily, I had mono during the prom, and actually had a physical reason why I couldn't dance. "My spleen will explode," I told everyone. "It will just shoot out and get all over your dresses and rented tuxedos." In college, I was able to avoid dancing by acting like it was beneath me: the clubs were gross and dancing was a waste of time. But that didn't last very long: at every party I went to, people were dancing and having fun, and once again I found myself on the wall, scared to death.

The recent onslaught of weddings I've been invited to has only increased my wallflower anxiety. At one recent function, I looked around and noticed that myself, a guy who was too drunk to stand, and a couple in their 80's were the only people not on the dance floor. A friend of mine came over to yell at me. "You should be dancing," she said, in her best Bee Gee voice.

"I look stupid dancing," I told her.

"Everyone looks stupid dancing," she said. "That's what alcohol is for."

A long pep talk and a few drinks later, she had dragged me onto the dance floor. Everyone around me turned into Brian Murphy from 7th grade. "Oh god," I thought, "I still can't do the butterfly." But then something somewhat awesome happened: I caught glimpses of some of the people I'd grown up with, dancing terribly, with huge smiles on their faces. I was in the company of former wallflowers, former dorks and nerds and geeks who had somehow learned to say "Fuck it, I'm dancing anyway, I don't care what the Brian Murphy's of the world think." And so we danced around for a while, and I did my spot-on Elaine Benes impression, to much acclaim.

I am still not a fan of dancing, and 99% of the time I freeze up at the suggestion. It takes a lot to get me on the dance floor (and a few Shirley Temple Blacks) but like most things in life, once I realized that you don't have to be perfect at something to be successful at it, I was finally able to get past my fears and just dance like an idiot with the rest of the world. Because as stupid as I feel when I'm dancing, it doesn't feel nearly as dumb as I feel when my back is attached to the wall, staring at the crowds with a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face.

I still can't do the butterfly, by the way. But I can Safety Dance with the best of them. So get out there, Wallflowers. You can dance if you want to. You can leave that wall behind. Cause the wall don't dance, and if it don't dance, well, you know how it goes.

• Oh dear: Lindsay Lohan's Ugly Betty episodes were cut from six to four. A source says: "It was a mess. Lindsay would show up every day with an entourage of people. She smoked 24/7, and after she left, they had to repaint her dressing room it was such a mess." Plus! in a scene where Betty is supposed to pull down Lindsay's pants, America Fererra did and LL wasn't wearing underwear. But! A different source says "America was mean to Lindsay. Producers give her too much power. Lindsay didn't do the last two episodes because America didn't like her and got her kicked off." Drama! [Page Six]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham is on the cover of Vogue India dressed as an Indian bride in a sari. There's a joke here about currying favor, right? [The Sun]
• Beyoncé would like for you to call her Sasha Fierce. Her new double album will be called I Am… Sasha Fierce. She explains: "I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am. Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I'm on the stage." It's call compartmentalization. Look into it. [Reuters]
• Ali Lohan didn't go to her grandfather's funeral because she didn’t have time to get her hair extensions done the day before and didn’t want anyone to see what horrible hair she has. [ONTD]

• Madonna may give Guy an extra £5million if she can dictate when he gets to see the kids. [Daily Mail]
• Guy Ritchie was "in pieces" after seeing that picture of Rocco Ritchie in a Yankees T-shirt. "He's actually been crying over it," says a source on the set of Sherlock Holmes. "He's in a terrible state but is doing his best to be on form at work." [Us]
• Some model named Tania with 37 inch legs has claimed she continued seeing Guy Ritchie after he dumped her for Madonna... Plus, some say Madonna never got over her fear that Guy secretly liked Tania better. [The Sun]
• Michael Madsen was removed from his home Monday after a family member became frightened of his behavior. He was taken to the hospital on a 5150 (involuntary psychiatric hold, the same as Britney, back in January). [TMZ]
• Mary-Kate and Ashley were on Oprah talking about boys. They support each other's choices, Mary-Kate explains. "If she doesn't like him, I won't like him. If she likes him, I'll like him." [People]
• Adrien Brody bought a motherfucking castle. There are pictures. The poster describes girlfriend Elsa Pataky, whom he blindfolded and surprised the castle with on her birthday, as a "lucky bitch." Agreed. [ONTD]
• Matt Lucas of Little Britain got a quickie divorce from partner Kevin McGee. The first celebrity gay divorcee? [Daily Mail]
• Ellen DeGeneres has stuff to say about Sarah Palin: "Basically, she wants to change the Constitution. I don't like it. I don't agree! And maybe it's because I'm gay that I think we should all be equal." [People]
• Bare tires and debris on the runway could be the cause of the plane crash that killed four people and injured Travis Barker and DJ AM. [People]
• Jessica Alba shows off her kid- and eco-friendly house in In Style magazine. [People]
• Justin Timberlake teamed up with the Jonas Brothers, Rihanna, 50 Cent, Leona Lewis and others for a fundraiser for the Shriners' Hospitals for Children. How did he get everyone to participate? "I actually wrote letters," Justin says. "I was old fashioned. I didn't have to stalk anyone." The benefit raised more than $1 million. [People]
• George Takei calls William Shatner's YouTube rant "silliness." Takei says he did invite Shatner to his wedding, but that Shatner never replies or shows up for stuff. [ET, Daily Express]
• Julianne Hough was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday after Dancing With The Stars but she says "I'm fine." She just had a bad stomach ache. Before going to the hospital, she changed out of her Lucy costume but forgot to take off her over-drawn lipstick. "I was like whatever; I’m sure they see a lot worse there.” [People]
• Dominic Monaghan will be on Chuck, in his first major TV gig since Lost. Click for an interview with Charlie from Drive Shaft! [EW]
• Halle Berry bought a house in St. Hippolyte, Quebec, for her, the baby, and boyfriend Gabriel Aubry. It's a humble abode on 63 acres overlooking the Molson Lake. And peut-être le bébé will speak Français, oui? [Perez Hilton]
• 50 Cent has finally reached an agreement over visitation rights for his 11-year-old son. He gets one weekend a month and one month in the summer, plus half of spring and winter breaks and alternating holidays. [Perez Hilton]
• Prime Minister Gordon Brown had to explain to Nelson Mandela who Amy Winehouse was at Mandela's 90th birthday. Harder to explain: Why Amy was singing "Free Blakey, my fella" instead of "Free Nelson Mandela." [Telegraph]
• Eminem's memoir delves into his personal struggles: "Rap is one big Fantasy Island," Eminem writes. "It’s the place I always retreat to when things get too hectic in real time… If you go back and look at the abuse that I took, it’s no surprise I became who I am. Someone I don’t really want to be." [NY Times]
• Is Cloris Leachman "sucking the life" out of Dancing With The Stars? [TMZ
• Lil Wayne is the father of a new son, Dwayne Carter III. The identity of the mother is not known. 26-year-old Wayne also has an 8-year-old daughter [Us]
• Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed (father of the late Dodi) has been questioned by police over allegations of a sexual assault on a girl under 16. He vehemently denies the claims. [BBC News]
• Gavin Rossdale says Kingston's been bullying baby Zuma: "It’s mainly a one-sided fight right now because Zuma’s pretty defenseless. But he’s not a small baby, so I think that Kingston’s got a couple years left and then he’s gonna get in trouble." [Just Jared]
• Benji Madden was seen hugging a random blonde and kissing her on the cheek; the headline is "Benji Cheats On Paris!" [Star]
• Despite reports that Zac Efron would be in the fourth Pirates Of the Caribbean movie, he has not been cast. Zac says: "It's just a rumor." [People]
• As reported in Midweek Madness, Mandy Moore has stopped speaking to her mother, who left Mandy's dad for a woman. "When Mandy's mom came out as a lesbian… Mandy felt betrayed," a source says. "[She] feels as if she's been lied to her entire life." [Star]
• Peaches Geldof has been "hard at work" refining her American accent. "Her conversation is littered with the words 'dude' and 'like.'" Plus! She told people she was married in "Nevada, Texas." [Daily Mail]
• Usher will perform at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, which will be taped at Fontainebleau Miami Beach and broadcast Dec. 3 on CBS. Expect to see Heidi Klum, Alessandra Ambrosio, Selita Ebanks, Doutzen Kroes, Adriana Lima, Marisa Miller, Miranda Kerr and more strut in skimpy, ridiculous lingerie. [UPI]
• Speaking of Usher, word is his marriage on the rocks. [StereoHyped]
• Ouch, Jack White pulled out of the MTV Europe Music Awards after slipping a disc in his neck. A source says, "Jack’s still in a lot of pain. He hoped it would have cleared by now but the injury is refusing to heal." This could affect his plans to promote his Bond theme with Alicia Keys, boo. [The Sun]
• Annie Leibovitz says that when she shot the Queen a while back, "We were all very nervous. The Queen came down the hall and she looked a little perturbed. I knew something was up." She also notes: "We have to remember her age and she was wearing a 75lb cloak." [Telegraph]
• Spotted having lunch at New York media's fave restaurant, Michael's: Heather Mills and Page Six's Richard Johnson. [mediabistro]
• Pretend to be Daniel Craig with the Quantum Of Solace video game. [Independent]
• Former Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona slurred her words and had a "meltdown" on live TV earlier this week; now this paper has videos of the "Top 10 Celebrity Meltdowns." [Mirror]
• Rosie O'Donnell will star and executive produce a Lifetime Original Movie called America: the powerful story of one boy's emotional struggle through the foster care system. [PR Newswire]
• Curb Your Enthusiasm will be back for a seventh season. [Ain't It Cool News]
• Speaking of Larry David, he's written an essay for HuffPo about how he can't wait for November 4th. "I'm anxious all the time and taking it out on my ex-wife, which, ironically, I'm finding enjoyable… Five times a day I'll still say to someone, 'I don't know what I'm going to do if McCain wins.' … I'm paranoid, obsessive, nervous, and totally mental." [Huffington Post]
• "I feel like they tolerate me... like when you're burdened with something unpleasant and you cope with it. There's always, 'Oh, look at you — you don't like to wear dresses!' But they say it in such a nice way that, for the first 10 years, I guess I was like, 'Oh, how nice, even though I don't dress like them, they still like me.' It's good to be dumb because you don't get hurt. They are nice, they're honest. You know where you stand. And I do appreciate that. But (when they said) 'Oh, you have your own style,' I think after that one (comment) I was like, 'Oh, I get it now - you don't like anything about me.'" — Lisa Kudrow, on her French in-laws. [Daily Express]
• "I have been in relationships that can make you doubt who you are and what you are capable of, and doubt what you deserve. It took me a bit little longer to get it right." — Jennifer Lopez. [People]
• "We've met a couple times and he is good-looking, yes. But personality? Hmmm. He could work on it." — Susan Francia, Olympic rower, on Michael Phelps. [Page Six]
• "I've reached the time of life where father roles are coming my way and they're a hell of a lot more interesting than young lovers." — Colin Firth [The Star]

• A poll of British mothers reveals that 16 percent of respondents have a favorite child and 50 percent love both "equally but in different ways." • A claim that steroids may prevent a third of miscarriages raises questions about how normal early miscarriages are for women who are trying to conceive and if they need to be "cured." • A study of young girls and boys reports that boys with conduct and oppositional defiance disorders had lower heart rates and sweated less than boys without those conditions while playing a money-making computer game but girls showed no physiological differences while playing. • Concita de Gregorio appointment as editor-in-chief of one of Italy's most prestigious newspapers, L'Unita, signals the rise of women in the workplace in Italy. • The soccer players of FC de Rakt, an amateur Dutch women's soccer team, all play in short skirts (over hot-pants) because they feel that the look is both more "elegant" and comfortable. • Residents of San Francisco are split over a new proposition that would make prostitution legal in the city: The city's health department backs the proposal but the Mayor and DA say that it will ruin neighborhoods. • An internet advice site about divorces in the UK says that 10% of divorces happen during the second year of marriage and "online divorces" are contributing to a "throwaway" culture. • The "upscale bums" of Beverly Hills benefit from the neighborhood's rich residents but must "act respectful" and not be turned off by the wealthy in order to not get attention from cops. • A judge in Texas has ordered a woman to stop bearing children as part of her 10-year-probation after the woman admitted to not providing care for her 19-month-old daughter after the child was severely beaten by her father. • Computer models that are commonly used by doctors to determine if a woman would benefit from genetic testing for ovarian and breast cancer have underestimated the probability ofAsian women having a genetic mutation that could lead to cancer. • The various relationships between a Saudi woman and her driver all reveal a deep frustration with the inconvenience of not being able to drive themselves. • Why have Crayola crayons removed their old smell from their products? • A trading website for mothers in Australia called Mum Swap encourages free trading (instead of spending) of goods and services from clothes, babysitting, tips, and vacation homes. • High-class escorts in India are sharing in the country's booming economy but they are also evidence of the rising focus on materialism for women in the globalized economy. •

Related: Young Rapper With A Plan: Lil Mama Tries To Move Up From Makeup [NY Times]