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Dance Judge Mary Murphy Opens Up About Own Abuse
Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?

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Hiroine Protagonist
10/22/09

In reply to Dance Judge Mary Murphy Opens Up About Own Abuse
Good for her! I find it interesting that no one has dug up the name of her abuser - weren't they married? Isn't that public record? Or would that be a bad idea? #marymurphy
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seitzk003
10/21/09

In reply to Dance Judge Mary Murphy Opens Up About Own Abuse
Yeah, there's also a huge difference in treatment because Murphy is white and Rihanna is black. Rihanna bore the full brunt of both sexism and racism in the aftermath of her assault. I am not surprised at the disparity of the comments at all, and I'm surprised no one here has brought it up.
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Penny
10/21/09

In reply to Dance Judge Mary Murphy Opens Up About Own Abuse
Honestly, I am just shocked that those comments came from YouTube. #marymurphy
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Tippi Hedren
10/21/09

In reply to Dance Judge Mary Murphy Opens Up About Own Abuse
She may not be promoting a book, but I don't personally know anyone that watches her show... so there's that.

I'm not saying that her allegations are false, I'm just saying that maybe she DOES have something to gain. #marymurphy
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valleyval
10/21/09

@Tippi Hedren: Or maybe she's trying to speak out on behalf of victims? Maybe? #marymurphy
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georgina
10/21/09

@Tippi Hedren: I just don't see how this particular story would boost viewership for SYTYCD. I know they say there's no such thing as bad publicity, but I can't see this actually making someone want to watch a dance show if they're not into it. #marymurphy
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Harlot Brontë
10/21/09

@Tippi Hedren: I suppose it's possible that Murphy may be lying about enduring abuse; a small but significant number of people do. However, I doubt in Murphy's case that it has to do with increasing ratings for So You Think You Can Dance. It's not "her" show; it's a television show that she happens to appear on. Additionally, she's a tremendously successful and highly respected dancer and choreographer quite apart from any duties she has on television. Mary Murphy's career is eminently secure, so it seems highly unlikely that this is a mendacious stunt to gain viewers.

All people who suffer rape and assault by the hands of someone they love have something to gain by speaking about it: self respect. #marymurphy
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HistoricUpstart
10/21/09

@Tippi Hedren: Compassion FAIL. #marymurphy
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curiousgeorgiana
10/21/09

@Harlot Brontë: I really identify with your last statement. Regaining your self respect is a big deal.

I am still not open about my abuse with my family members. The reason? I'm ashamed. 5 years and countless therapy sessions, and I still feel shame. Every time I tell a friend what happened to me, it's like I get a piece of myself back. It's not easy to do, and I admire Mary Murphy. #marymurphy
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Tippi Hedren
10/21/09

@All: My comment was solely in response to "But Murphy doesn't seem to have much to gain from lying (she's not, for the cynics out there, promoting a book)."

You all can continue to freak out at me if you'd like, but I'm not interested. #marymurphy
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mikaelamac
10/21/09

@curiousgeorgiana: And is it not empowering to see someone who you wouldn't guessed ever suffered abuse come right out and say it? Put a face to this crime? I don't think she has anything to gain from the public declaration, except for rebuilding her self-esteem & potentially helping others who've shared this pain.
A woman I work with mentioned once that she'd been abused by her ex-husband. I was stunned because I can't imagine her as a victim - which is precisely why people need to speak out. It can happen to anyone, and curiousgeorgiana I really hope one day you can share this with your family and get that peace you deserve. #marymurphy
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curiousgeorgiana
10/21/09

@mikaelamac: That's a really good point as well, and thanks for that. #marymurphy
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Harlot Brontë
10/21/09

@Tippi Hedren: I don't think anyone's freaking out here, merely airing differences of opinion, kicking around the ol' conversation ball. You posited that Mary Murphy did have something material to gain through publicising her abuse, an entirely valid point. Others held a different opinion, and felt this was short-changing the value of speaking openly about abuse.

We don't all have to be in lock-step agreement to have a useful conversation, right? Come on, let's not give up on this too easily. It's an interesting subject, and I'd like to hear what else you have to say. #marymurphy
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Harlot Brontë
10/21/09

@mikaelamac: Absolutely. Abuse in the abstract is sad, but so easy to drift past and forget. Putting a familiar and unexpected face on that kind of suffering inverts a lot of the lazy thinking we (by which I really mean me) have about survivors of abuse. Talking about this stuff has real value, not just for Murphy herself, but all of us. #marymurphy
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Tippi Hedren
10/21/09

@Harlot Brontë: Saying "FAIL" and starting replies with the ever condescending "Um..." are not really ways of opening conversations.

I'm cynical sure, but I made no statement about whether or not this happened to her. Only that she does, in fact, have something to gain. It seems that there is probably a better/more valuable way to open up to abuse victims than through a crappy gossip rag. #marymurphy
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curiousgeorgiana
10/21/09

@Tippi Hedren: I agree with you that it's not possible to fully assess her motives (if she has any).

I don't mind her choice of US Weekly, however. I see that magazine at the gym, at the doctor's office, in line at the grocery store. To see Mary on the cover sharing her story might be helpful to an abuse victim or even the public in general. #marymurphy
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dangerslut
10/21/09

@HistoricUpstart: And this chick has a star. #marymurphy
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whynotshesaid
10/21/09

@Harlot Brontë: Your last paragraph is so spot-on. I'm working on a book that addresses my own experiences in an abusive relationship (not the focus of the book, but it shows up), and I write at length about the battle to build some semblance of self-respect after the relationship.

Speaking out about the darkest, most shameful parts of our lives is not a bad thing, and in fact can be healing, not just for the person doing the speaking, but for anyone who has gone through something similar and hears that story, because it lets them know they aren't alone.
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Edited by whynotshesaid at 10/21/09 10:16 PM whynotshesaid was starred whynotshesaid was unstarred

midwesternmom
10/21/09

@curiousgeorgiana: I just came out to my family about abuse from 20 years ago, because my niece was similarly abused. I wanted to put a face on domestic violence--one that she knew and respected. And I wanted to take away part of her shame and blame, and give her that piece of herself back. I wish I had been open years ago, so my family had always known this part of me. So I am sending you hugs and support. Sincerely, and with love. #marymurphy
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curiousgeorgiana
10/21/09

@midwesternmom: That is such a great expression of love and support to your niece and congratulations on your bravery for doing so. Thank you so much. #marymurphy
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Adah
10/21/09

In reply to Dance Judge Mary Murphy Opens Up About Own Abuse
Maybe age is a factor? Mary Murphy looks like someone's mom. Where as Rhianna and Chris Brown were 19 and 21, right? Now, I never doubted that Rhianna was done wrong in this case, especially after the picture was leaked. But I've certainly known young couples who get drunk and violent, and neither party is innocent in the matter. I've known fewer couples who act that way at an older age. That might explain some of the difference in reaction, though I admit the Rhianna backlash has astounded me in its persistence and vitriol. #marymurphy
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Harlot Brontë
10/21/09

@Adah: I think age is definitely a factor. It's still mainly younger people who are discussing this stuff on the internet, and as a general rule, I think we tend to be one hell of a lot harder on people our own age. We project a lot of our own shit on celebrities we relate to personally, and, foolish as Mary Murphy can sometimes be, she just isn't a psychological stand-in for us. She's the slightly inappropriate auntie figure, and therefore gets a lot of our easy affection. No controversy, so no real hang-ups in acknowledging her suffering. #marymurphy
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ceejeemcbeegee is not here
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
I think those dancers should be more worried about their lack of uniformity than a blasted tutu.
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Zoerly
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
I was a dancer for 18 yrs. Nothing about ballet is comfortable. Don't even think of abandoning the tutu. What next? Point shoes make your feet hurt? Big baby ballerinas. Waaaaah.
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Zorica
02/12/09

@Zoerly: My thoughts exactly. One of my favorite quotes from Suzanne Farrell's class was, "If you want your feet not to hurt, don't be a dancer." She didn't say it meanly or aggressively, but just as a simple statement of fact. It's all difficult, really, and that's the point.
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kityglitr
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
Former ballerina here, for 11 years... I LOVE TUTU'S. The beauty, the damn extravagance of them make you appreciate everything you're doing. It's a frigging fantasy! I'm certainly all for using different silhouettes for modern/avant pieces, but they'll never totally get rid of the tutu. It's a visible symbol of the art of ballet.
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Her Grace
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
Tulle is a horrible thing to sew, as a costumer, which is why they cost so damned much. That said, I do love the way they look. Frankly, if you're a professional classical ballerina, the tutu shouldn't be at the top of your list of complaints--the shoes come first.
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Zorica
02/12/09

@Her Grace: Top of my list of complaints isn't anything to do with ballet itself, but the competition, the politics, all the stupid games and other things standing in the way of going out there and *really dancing.* If you're going to complain about tutus or shoes you might as well complain about turnout and pirouettes and anything else that is integral to ballet, and if you're truly annoyed by those things, why be a ballet dancer?
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Glitterbug (likes life shaken, not stirred)
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
Tutus will never go out of fashion. They might say that, but there are enough snobs out there to want to keep ballet as it has been.

I'm one of them. You can't have ballet without tutus. That's like having a geisha without a kimono. Zhang Ziyi never wore a cocktail dress in Memoirs of a Geisha, did she?!
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swimmingly
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
Anytime I watch any sort of ballet/dancing film or show, I immediately start dancing around my apartment wishing I owned a tutu and some toe shoes to complete my look. While they are cumbersome, the Sugar Plum Fairy scene in the Nutcracker would not be the same without them.
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tangoagogo
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
I'm a little concerned about her complaint of not being able to see her feet... When are you ever supposed to see your feet?!?

Also, I dealt fine with the tutus and okay with the pointes, but my personal aggravation was covering my entire upper body in cake makeup. Talk about annoying putting on AND taking off.
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ceejeemcbeegee is not here
01/10/09

@tangoagogo: Yeah, erm... staring at feet and en pointe... not a good combo IMHO.
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Zorica
02/12/09

@tangoagogo: They were talking about the guy not being able to see her feet, I believe, and I have had that issue with partners who don't have good instinct for where I want my weight to be in, say, arabeque penchee. In partnering class when you're just in a leotard and wrap skirt the ones who don't quite feel it watch your foot to see when your ankle starts to pull back and make adjustments off of that. I think in general it's disconcerting for the guy to have so much of you blocked from view, he takes all sorts of cues off of what he can see you doing.
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Somepeopledance
01/10/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
I didn't start taking ballet lessons until I was 11 years old, and was told many, many times that I would never have a career at it. Thanks to the cruel winds of fate (and my genetic structure, all big hips, short legs, and flat feet of it) I never became a professional ballerina (even though I am a professional dancer and choreographer, thanks to other types of dance being much more forgiving than ballet). I did, however, have many opportunities to wear a tutu, and even though they are pretty awful to wear, I have always felt like a "real" ballerina in them. My vote is for tutus - whoever said ballet was supposed to be comfortable?
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Zorica
02/12/09

@Somepeopledance: Agreed. Ballet is about the illusion of a wolrd where discomfort and inconvenience, and physical limitation for that matter, do not exist.
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ceejeemcbeegee is not here
01/09/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
Huh? Wha?

Spinning tutus? I've never had a tutu spin around me. 'Cuz that ish be attached to my LEOTARD!
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Zorica
02/12/09

@ceejeemcbeegee: The more traditional tutus aren't building on leotard, they're build on bodices, and the bodice is usually made out of a material that has no stretch to it, a heavy material for shape and lining covered by something shiny in a pretty color. It's given its own shape by metal or wooden bones in the bodice, and then that shape has to be tailored around the dancer who will be wearing it. If it doesn't fit you right you definitely feel it bouncing around while you dance, when you turn it swings side to side at the hips and can really throw off your rhythm. A tutu that doesn't fit is like hair that isn't secure, it can start to feel like you're one of those rides at the carnivals with lots of swings on chains, the faster you go the farther everything spins away from you, and if you don't slow down *just so* everything is going to crash.
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CrankyOldBroad
01/09/09

In reply to Dangerous Beauty: Are Tutus Too Much?
Babes who don't bitch about their tulle

I cannot imagine the Trocks without their tutus.
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