New York: The gals at DC in NYC suggest that your boyfriend's "bulging muscles" would "ripple" in some fire-red long-johns (with convenient neck-to-nuts buttons!). They also suggest a hanging, chimney-less fireplace that starts at a modest $1,260! Perhaps you should ditch the fire-hazard and just get a ceramic space-heater for $19.99 instead?


Boston: Get your guy away from his Wii with a Jack Spade "natural wood" — you know, lest you thought it was made of particle board — slingshot! Seriously, this is an actual thing. We suggest you buy two, so he has something with which to hurl this crappy gift back at you.


Chicago: Money clips made with the same steel they use in space! Guess what other metal they use in space? Aluminum! Yeah, not as exciting. Money better spent: $9.99 space ice cream.


Los Angeles: More long johns! Because if there is one place you need the added warmth of full-body undergarments it is LA. These are by Marc Jacobs though so your "straight" boyfriend will LURVE them! Also more space-related items: Fisher Space Pen. It can write underwater! You know that will come in handy.


Philadelphia: The only DC we've seen to target non-boyfriends, this one suggests the flamboyant, embarrassing ties you used to buy for your dad when you were in fifth grade. Oooooh, counterintuitive! So glad gift guides exist to dispense advice like this.


San Francisco: The team at DC in SF suggest a wrist camera. We know that this might have sounded like a really cool idea in the brainstorming session (where editors flip through old issues of SkyMall over green tea and designer marshmallows) but people have these ingenious contraptions called cameraphones now, so... oh Jesus Christ, forget it.


Washington D.C.: Got a lot of money to burn? How about a pair of custom-made, two-ply, 160 thread count boxers with mother-of-pearl buttons and a "roomy posterior"? At $76 a pair you could waste a lot of money on a piece of clothing that will eventually be covered in skid marks. But not as much money as DC D.C.'s other suggestion: hiring a documentary filmmaker to make a movie about his life! No, seriously!

DailyCandy Everywhere reminds us of that time we totally assured our best friend that the flower on her dinner plate was edible. Even though we weren't so sure. And then she got a stomach ache.

DailyCandy Atlanta is on crack if they think we want to vacation in Perry, GA. Some of us here are from Georgia. We can't be fooled. Lunch at the local Mrs. Winner's chicken and avoiding the Klan do not a vacation make.

DailyCandy Chicagoeditors are so weirdly plagued with I-Want-A-Baby Fever that they've turned a plug for greeting cards into an admission of their own baby-lust.

DailyCandy Los Angeles announces the death of the cupcake.

DailyCandy Miami wants us to eat candy instead. Is candy the new cupcakes? Or rather, was candy the new cupcakes 5 years ago?

DailyCandy New York suggests we replace cupcakes with yogurt.

DailyCandy Everywhere thinks antidepressants should go in our shampoo, not our bloodstream.

DailyCandy Chicago suggests that Windy City women beat the heat by piling into a chauffered SUV with their girlfriends, booze, and a personal shopper for a full day of boutiquing.

DailyCandy Los Angeles tells us we're wrong if we think that someone who reads constellations in the universe is a quack and incapable of solving all our major life problems. That's what antidepressants are for!

DailyCandy Miami wants to see our asses clad in a muumuu.

DailyCandy Philadelphia: Repeat after us: No. More. Skinny. Jeans.

Does DailyCandy San Francisco have a Jew fetish? (And do they think all Jews love food?)

Earlier: DailyCandy's Darkness Visible

Empty calories after the jump.

DailyCandy Everywhere thinks that music works better than pills for easing your problems. Ha. Fools.
DailyCandy Dallas reminds you that nuts are a healthy snack. Especially when they're coated with butter, sugar, and chocolate!
DailyCandy Dallas wants you to eat yummy chocolates even if, like, you'll then have "a long, long way to run to work those calories off." But you're soooooo undernourished right now.
http://www.dailycandy.com/article.jsp?ArticleId=31128&city=9">DailyCandy London called you a "lardarse." Right after they said you're "committing social suicide" and "have pubes down to your ankles." Ouch.
DailyCandy Los Angeles thinks that an entire store devoted to 70's pool party style is a meaningful contribution to society.
DailyCandy New York wants you to become a lardarse and is pushing a late-night cookie delivery service.
DailyCandy San Francisco thinks you get off on adorning your body with 18-karat gold and black diamond animal heads. "Yeah, they're on the pricey side," DailyCandy concedes of the taxidermy-inspired pins. How pricey, they do not say. We are sooooooooooo tempted!

DailyCandy Everywhere wants us to drop $3500 on an ass. Not our own, mind you, but a 4-legged, miniature one with big beautiful eyes.
DailyCandy Boston seems to be implying that coffee mugs can double as sex toys.
DailyCandy Dallas thinks that ambiguous, pretentious sayings contain hidden meanings. They also think we should gain access to such phrases through expensive jewelry, as opposed to, oh, a fortune cookie.
DailyCandy Los Angeles seems to be out to offend the Gilbert and Sullivan estate.
DailyCandy Philadelphia thinks adult women still aspire to be the fairy princesses they wanted to be at age 5.

DailyCandy Everywhere thinks we're real sickos and have nothing better to do than staging murders.

DailyCandy Chicago is under the impression that women shave their boyfriends' backs. We're not sure if we're more confused by the idea itself [We thought women prefer picking their boyfriends' zits! Or maybe that's just us! -Ed.] or by the notion that such an act of bonding is intrinsic to the city of Chicago.

DailyCandy London thinks we have 1) money to burn 2) no friends and 3) would like to go in on buying a racehorse with a shitload of strangers.

DailyCandy Los Angeles thinks we're sadists who'd enjoy watching our pets restrained and tortured before our very eyes.

DailyCandy Miami has not an ounce of respect for The Clash.

DailyCandy Seattle thinks that women can't drive without lessons.

DailyCandy
Related: In Grossness And In Health [Salon]
The Nutshell Studies Of Unexplained Death
Earlier: Women Drivers Don't Know Hot To Shift Gears, Start Cars, Or For That Matter, Dress Themselves

DailyCandy Atlanta has forgotten that it spends most of its time telling us to starve ourselves pretty and suggests we spend our weekend gorging ourselves on fried Twinkies.

DailyCandy Chicago seems to have forgotten that the whole point of DailyCandy is that it's supposed to refer us to something. Saying "Don't get a sunburn" with no external link = not doing their job.

DailyCandy Dallas thinks we should see Space Jam this weekend. You remember Space Jam, don't you? That cartoon/live action movie starring Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons????

DailyCandy Los Angeles thinks we care about bars that serve things other than booze. And more specifically, about bars where we can pick garden plants.

DailyCandy Philadelphia seems to think it makes sense that we'd fork over $10 to lead ourselves on a self-guided tour.

DailyCandy San Francisco thinks that design-your-own-salad spots are still a new thing. Yawn.

They say: "He's sure to reciprocate in an adorable gingham shirt and a perfect hoodie."
We say: Straight men don't wear gingham and snug hoodies. Why? Because they don't know what gingham is.

They say: "It's your job to keep him in style, and a Psycho Bunny, Sovereign Beck, NOLA Couture, or corduroy tie will surely do the trick."
We say: Corduroy tie? How... Anderson Cooper at age 12!

They say: "So he's not entirely tactful, and he likes his thrills cheap. But you love the guy. He'll be in hog heaven with MarieBelle's pinup girl chocolate bars..."
We say: Straight men want good old-fashioned porn they can watch, not retro sex-symbols in the form of chocolate molds.

They say: "...send him to the beach in Billabong's wet suit/MP3 player to hang loose, dude."
We say: A zipperless piece of body-hugging "silk touch" jersey? Uh, it probably isn't the waves he's cruising.

DailyCandy Everywhere