Now that your company, Comcast, has bought online advertorial behemoth Daily Candy for a staggering $125 million, you may be wondering what your big bucks will get you. After the jump, allow us to help with a little tour of today's Daily Candy's offerings. Since the ideal Daily Candy reader is willing to spend tons of money on useless, expensive shit, you should fit right in!

Since the economy is shot, your corporate credit card is probably getting all flabby in your wallet. So "give your AmEx a workout" at Kirna Zabete.com, featured in Daily Candy Everywhere. Here you can purchase garments described as "high-dollar," which is how we say "expensive" in Candyland.












Even media honchos lounge by the pool sometimes, and Daily Candy can help! Check out their Miami edition, which shills for Krelwear's Resort Collection. These "one-of-a-kind pieces" go best with "a man and a mojito," so get shaking! The best part: they take up to three months to make, so the recession might be over by the time they get to you.









We know Comcast has some "crimes and vices" on its conscience — like allegedly blocking legal BitTorrent traffic. So wash them away with "white gold detoxifying salt from the Himalayas" as seen on Daily Candy New York. How do commoners clean themselves without white gold? You don't even want to know.






And finally, just in case America in 2008 doesn't seem enough like a moribund monarchy in which the poor are neglected by a thoughtless aristocracy, take a look at Daily Candy Chicago. That's right, today's headline is "Let Them Eat Cake." "Sophisticated organic" cake, that is, not from a mere bakery but from a "cake parlor." Recessionlicious!

xo,
Jezebel

Comcast Sets Deal To Buy Daily Candy [Wall Street Journal]

New York: Scraping the bottom of the idea barrel, the people at DC recommend that we try your hand at "moneygami," or, as it is more commonly called, "like, those dollar rings we used to make in seventh grade." Sure to impress our numberonecrush in Health class!
Daily Candy: New York

Washington D.C.: Raising the bar on indoor crafts just a bit higher than the DC staffers in New York, DC Daily Candy editors propose that we make our own terrariums. Educational and evidence of our loneliness! Afterwards, we can pretend that we live in the terrarium and start our own world where we talk to unicorns and make magic spaghetti out of moss!
Daily Candy: Washington D.C.

Philadelphia: To remind us of our tomboy phase (or perhaps to help us come to terms with our lack of thick facial hair?), the girls in Philly propose a $65.00 wooden mustache for us to "disguise" ourselves with. This will go great with our collection of other useless, overpriced, and ridiculously unnecessary things that end up in the bottom of our underwear drawers with bits of lint and wacky tobbacky.
Daily Candy: Philadelphia

Seattle: For all of the 8- to 18-year-olds catching up on the latest from DC, The Paul Green School of Rock Music is opening and accepting students. The awkward cynicism, acne, and sloppily-grown-out bowl-cuts are sure to be plentiful for all us future pretentious Pitchfork writers.
Daily Candy: Seattle

New York: The gals at DC in NYC suggest that your boyfriend's "bulging muscles" would "ripple" in some fire-red long-johns (with convenient neck-to-nuts buttons!). They also suggest a hanging, chimney-less fireplace that starts at a modest $1,260! Perhaps you should ditch the fire-hazard and just get a ceramic space-heater for $19.99 instead?


Boston: Get your guy away from his Wii with a Jack Spade "natural wood" — you know, lest you thought it was made of particle board — slingshot! Seriously, this is an actual thing. We suggest you buy two, so he has something with which to hurl this crappy gift back at you.


Chicago: Money clips made with the same steel they use in space! Guess what other metal they use in space? Aluminum! Yeah, not as exciting. Money better spent: $9.99 space ice cream.


Los Angeles: More long johns! Because if there is one place you need the added warmth of full-body undergarments it is LA. These are by Marc Jacobs though so your "straight" boyfriend will LURVE them! Also more space-related items: Fisher Space Pen. It can write underwater! You know that will come in handy.


Philadelphia: The only DC we've seen to target non-boyfriends, this one suggests the flamboyant, embarrassing ties you used to buy for your dad when you were in fifth grade. Oooooh, counterintuitive! So glad gift guides exist to dispense advice like this.


San Francisco: The team at DC in SF suggest a wrist camera. We know that this might have sounded like a really cool idea in the brainstorming session (where editors flip through old issues of SkyMall over green tea and designer marshmallows) but people have these ingenious contraptions called cameraphones now, so... oh Jesus Christ, forget it.


Washington D.C.: Got a lot of money to burn? How about a pair of custom-made, two-ply, 160 thread count boxers with mother-of-pearl buttons and a "roomy posterior"? At $76 a pair you could waste a lot of money on a piece of clothing that will eventually be covered in skid marks. But not as much money as DC D.C.'s other suggestion: hiring a documentary filmmaker to make a movie about his life! No, seriously!

Daily Candy Everywhere: Eat overpriced yeast rolls.
Jezebel Weekend Guide: Eat yogurt; avoid carbs AND a yeast infection!

Daily Candy Boston: Get some henna tattoos at a "henna tattoo party."
Jezebel Weekend Guide: Buy a sharpie, paint your nails with it at a bar, where sharpie will magically enable you to pick up tattooed wannabe vandals that you harbor no illusions of ever actually dating in honor of National Singles & Unmarried Americans Week. Stupid but it will actually work.

Daily Candy Chicago: Buy greeting cards, become an instant witty asshole!
Jezebel Weekend Guide: Buy drugs, become an instant witty asshole.

Daily Candy Dallas: Pay $35 for coffee and a light breakfast, and the luxury to spend the morning sketching with others.
Jezebel Weekend Guide: Pay $5.90 and do this exact same fucking thing at Starbucks.

Daily Candy Miami: Show your third nipple and try out for the acrobatic freak sex show troupe at Spiegelworld.
Jezebel Weekend Guide: Uhhh, for those of you without third nipples, do cartwheels at a park and apply the acrobatics to sex and/or beer bongs.

There are fecal references in both the Dallas and London entries; whoever wrote Kids maybe kinda hates their children, Travel features a photo of a dog wearing a ridiculous contraption and plugs Gas-B-Gone, a "fart absorbing cushion" and Seattle's review of a newly opened diner is written to the tune of "Casey Jones" by the Grateful Dead. "Trouble ahead/lady in red/Ultra-fresh BLTs and chopped salads will knock you dead."

[Daily Candy]

DailyCandy Everywhere reminds us of that time we totally assured our best friend that the flower on her dinner plate was edible. Even though we weren't so sure. And then she got a stomach ache.

DailyCandy Atlanta is on crack if they think we want to vacation in Perry, GA. Some of us here are from Georgia. We can't be fooled. Lunch at the local Mrs. Winner's chicken and avoiding the Klan do not a vacation make.

DailyCandy Chicagoeditors are so weirdly plagued with I-Want-A-Baby Fever that they've turned a plug for greeting cards into an admission of their own baby-lust.

DailyCandy Los Angeles announces the death of the cupcake.

DailyCandy Miami wants us to eat candy instead. Is candy the new cupcakes? Or rather, was candy the new cupcakes 5 years ago?

DailyCandy New York suggests we replace cupcakes with yogurt.

DailyCandy Everywhere thinks antidepressants should go in our shampoo, not our bloodstream.

DailyCandy Chicago suggests that Windy City women beat the heat by piling into a chauffered SUV with their girlfriends, booze, and a personal shopper for a full day of boutiquing.

DailyCandy Los Angeles tells us we're wrong if we think that someone who reads constellations in the universe is a quack and incapable of solving all our major life problems. That's what antidepressants are for!

DailyCandy Miami wants to see our asses clad in a muumuu.

DailyCandy Philadelphia: Repeat after us: No. More. Skinny. Jeans.

Does DailyCandy San Francisco have a Jew fetish? (And do they think all Jews love food?)

Earlier: DailyCandy's Darkness Visible

DailyCandy Everywhere thinks we're S&M queens with money to burn. So hell, why not invest in black croc spats?

DailyCandy Atlanta seems more invested in mocking the speech patterns and colloquialisms of our native South than promoting some stupid owl pendant [Hey. I like owls. -Ed.] that was popular with women, like, oh, a year ago?

DailyCandy Boston thinks we're sinners. Because we eat.

DailyCandy Chicago thinks we're stupid enough to pay good money to have our coffee grounds "read" (yes, just like tea leaves) by some sort of psychic quack tasseographist. Over the phone.

DailyCandy Los Angeles gets pleasure (or financial kickbacks!) from the pain of our bad hair days.

DailyCandy Seattle has the hypochondriacs among us convinced that we're going to die a slow, painful, bacterial infection-instigated death from working at our computer.

Empty calories after the jump.

DailyCandy Everywhere thinks that music works better than pills for easing your problems. Ha. Fools.
DailyCandy Dallas reminds you that nuts are a healthy snack. Especially when they're coated with butter, sugar, and chocolate!
DailyCandy Dallas wants you to eat yummy chocolates even if, like, you'll then have "a long, long way to run to work those calories off." But you're soooooo undernourished right now.
http://www.dailycandy.com/article.jsp?ArticleId=31128&city=9">DailyCandy London called you a "lardarse." Right after they said you're "committing social suicide" and "have pubes down to your ankles." Ouch.
DailyCandy Los Angeles thinks that an entire store devoted to 70's pool party style is a meaningful contribution to society.
DailyCandy New York wants you to become a lardarse and is pushing a late-night cookie delivery service.
DailyCandy San Francisco thinks you get off on adorning your body with 18-karat gold and black diamond animal heads. "Yeah, they're on the pricey side," DailyCandy concedes of the taxidermy-inspired pins. How pricey, they do not say. We are sooooooooooo tempted!