<![CDATA[Jezebel: dads]]> http://tags.gawker.com/assets/base/img/thumbs140x140/jezebel.com.png <![CDATA[Jezebel: dads]]> http://jezebel.com/tag/dads http://jezebel.com/tag/dads <![CDATA[To Benefit Kids, Give Dads Their Due]]> Bad moms, good moms, moms who drink — the media is so mother-centric these days that it's easy to forget many kids also have a male parent. But according to the New York Times, we ignore dads at our peril.

The Times's Laurie Tarkan describes a new study showing that low-income families benefited when fathers took parenting classes. She writes that "fathers not only spent more time with their children than the controls did but were also more active in the daily tasks of child-rearing. They became more emotionally involved with their children, and the children were much less aggressive, hyperactive, depressed or socially withdrawn than children of fathers in the control group." However, the effect was greatest when moms attended classes alongside dads, implying (unsurprisingly) that parents who communicate and support each other are best for kids. But dads may have trouble getting the support they need.

Tarkan writes that, "as much as mothers want their partners to be involved with their children, experts say they often unintentionally discourage men from doing so. Because mothering is their realm, some women micromanage fathers and expect them to do things their way." The assertion is a little annoying, reminiscent as it is of a similar narrative about chores: women just don't let men do the laundry, the thinking goes, because it has to be done their way. Similarly stereotypical are the words of Dr. Kyle Pruett, co-author of the book Partnership Parenting. He says, "dads tend to discipline differently, use humor more and use play differently. Fathers want to show kids what's going on outside their mother's arms, to get their kids ready for the outside world." Pruett adds that dads "tend to encourage risk-taking and problem-solving" — but these are pretty sweeping generalizations. I know my dad didn't "encourage risk-taking," unless you call not driving on the freeway until you're eighteen years old a risk. And slotting parents into sitcom-ready roles (Mom the protector, Dad the one who lets you get dirty) only multiplies the obstacles they have to face in working together.

But there are some ways that larger social expectations harm both moms and dads. Tarkan quotes psych professor Philip A. Cowan, who says,

The walls in family resource centers are pink, there are women's magazines in the waiting room, the mother's name is on the files, and the home visitor asks for the mother if the father answers the door. It's like fathers are not there.

By treating moms like the primary parent, research centers and other social services just make it more difficult for dads to get involved — and maybe even perpetuate the notion that only Mom knows the right way to do things. Rather than accusing individual mothers of considering motherhood their "realm," we should be tackling the widespread cultural perception that women naturally know about child-rearing and men are just bumbling babysitters who show up every now and then to teach baseball skills. Cowan says parents need to stop criticizing each other so much — "Instead, they should be saying, ‘How can each of us be the kind of parent that we are?'"— but parenting experts have some large-scale recommendations that may be even more effective. Tarkan writes,

[P]ictures of families on the walls of clinics and public agencies should have fathers in them. All correspondence should be addressed to both mother and father. Staff members should be welcoming to men. Steps like these promote early and lasting involvement by fathers.

These may seem like small changes, but they would start sending the message that parenting is a cooperative process, not Mom's job and Dad's hobby. It's a message that moms, dads, and kids all desperately need.

Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (And Mothers) [NYT]
Paying More Attention To Fathers [NYT Well Blog]

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<![CDATA[Hiding Vogue: How Dads Can Build Girls' Self-Esteem]]> We talk a lot about moms and body image here, but a moving essay by a single dad shows that fathers can have an impact too.

Simon Von Booys's piece in the Times of London runs the gamut from heart-wrenching — his wife died suddenly, possibly of Marfan syndrome, when their daughter Madeleine was just three — to the mundane — he messes up breakfast, just like in Kramer vs. Kramer. I was ready to write off his essay as good-hearted but nothing America's millions of single moms don't already know. But Von Booys doesn't discount the experiences of mothers — they're the ones he turns to for advice "on the subway, in the supermarket, at the park." And while he sells dads short a bit (on the advice of women, he says, "I buy own-brand cereal and put it in the box with cartoon characters on it. How could a man ever have thought that up?"), he sounds like he's doing pretty well.

Von Booys tells the story of his daughter pointing out "someone for you to marry" — a model in a fashion magazine, whom she thought looked like Snow White. He writes,

I now hide all fashion magazines, not because I'm against Disney-inspired couture, but because I'm worried that Madeleine will think those models are what she is supposed to look like as a woman. What I mean to say is: I think differently now about everything.

This is poignant real-life evidence for the theory that having daughters may help men develop more feminist beliefs, as well as proof that dads as well as moms can help girls build good self-esteem. It's important for a little girl to see women who love themselves and don't insult their own bodies, but it's equally important for her to know that not all men think she's supposed to look like a model. I'm always a little grossed out by the (heteronormative) idea that a girl's relationship with her dad is a model for later romantic relationships. But it's true that a girl who grows up knowing her dad not only disagrees with bad messages about women's bodies, but actively wants to protect her from them, is probably predisposed towards healthy relationships with men, romantic or not.

The night after his wife died, Von Booys and his daughter watched Sleeping Beauty. He writes,

She missed the part where the Prince brings Sleeping Beauty back to life with a kiss, and everything returns to normal. I wondered whether she fell asleep on purpose.

Whether or not it was intentional, maybe it was good. As Von Booys surely knows, no man can protect a woman from all harm — and fathers who overprotect their "princesses" are doing them a disservice. But men can be women's allies in a difficult world, especially if dads lead by example.

The Trials Of Being A Single Father [TimesOnline]

Related: Mothers And Daughters And Weight, Oh My
Can An Eating Disorder Be Blamed On A Parent?

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<![CDATA["Plumber" Wants To Attack Pelosi • Oprah's "Power List" Revealed]]> Joe The Plumber is pissed at Nancy Pelosi, so pissed that he would like to "beat" her: "Those kind of people, I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin' tar out of ‘em." Charming. •

• Cellphone networks in the UK have been asked to remove the numbers of pimps and prostitutes from their service before the 2012 Olympic games. Kit Malthouse, deputy mayor for policing, says the numbers can come to act as a kind of "switchboard," with multiple girls working from one number. • In other cellphone news, researchers have figured out a way to accurately track friendships using cellphones. Through implanting a number of their volunteers phones with software that logged their calls and recorded their proximity to other tracked phones, they managed to create a precise picture of the various friendships and acquaintances in their study group based upon their movements. • Katherine Nadal, the 28-year-old Houston woman who cut off her infant son's genitals in 2007, has been sentenced to 99 years in prison and ordered to pay a $10,000 fine. Police believe that Nadal was high at the time of the attack, and shortly afterward she tested positive for cocaine, methadone and Xanax. • The number of men taking child-care leave in Tokyo has decreased in the past several years, while the number of women taking leave has increased. The same survey found that men left the workplace for a much shorter time, with over half taking leave for less than a month. • While it's certainly a good thing that there are now more women in journalism school—in many programs, woman make up the majority of the students—this article, which claims ladies are more suited to "creative" careers like journalism, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. • A new study, to be published in the Harvard Business Review, indicates that there is no significant difference between the number of male M.B.A.s who were laid off during the first months of the recession and the number of female M.B.A.s. However, women have fared better overall, due to the relatively stable industries like health care and education, while male-dominated industries, including construction, have suffered. • Instead of hiring broke teenagers, thrifty parents are trading babysitting duties with their peers. Some parents are actually forming babysitting co-ops to widen the pool of free sitters. • Oprah's "power list" has been released in the latest issue of O magazine. The list, which is "heavy on politicos," features Lilly Ledbetter, Sheila Blair, Donna Brazile, and Melanie Sloan. •

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<![CDATA[My Papa Diego and Me]]> Guadalupe Rivera on her new children's book: "I was so young at the time and didn't realize what it meant to pose for him. I never knew my father was such a great painter. He was just my father." [PublishersWeekly]

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<![CDATA[Father's Day: Fatherhood Initiative Encourages Dads To Man Up]]> It's funny that on the same day I planned to write a little something on Obama's "Fatherhood Initiative," a tipster should send in the clip of a guy talking about his daughter that had 1,500 women in tears:

From his campaign-trail call to fathers "to realize that responsibility does not end at conception ... that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child - it's the courage to raise one," Obama has made fatherhood a priority. The White House Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnership has launched a "national fatherhood tour, " as told by NPR, led by 27-year-old Joshua DuBois, and consisting of town hall meetings around the country that will address fatherhood, parenting, and policy. Says DuBois, "[Obama] grew up without a dad in his own home, but he also saw the impact of father absence when he was working in Chicago...So he started this national conversation about responsible fatherhood."

The speech that had the 1,500 women "a big weepy mess" at the BlogHer conference was by Mike Adamick, a writer and stay-at-home dad whose devotion to his young daughter is a running theme in his essays. In this talk, he expressed his fear that his daughter should inherit his shyness and social awkwardness, and the pain he felt when he saw her struggling with other children.

This is a lovely story, and a good illustration of the special bond that can exist between father and child. I was reminded, too, of Ta-Nehisi Coates' widely-read 2002 piece on being a SAHD, which as he points out is a far more loaded issue in the black community - and this was when Obama's sanction of the estate was but a gleam in Democrats' eyes. As Coates wrote wryly, "I am sure that even for this meager deed of fatherhood I am performing, I deserve a lot more than credit," even as he hopes it becomes quotidian ("Not only would the children be better off, but their fathers might actually discover what I already know: that fatherhood is fun, and that it really is the noble calling that I had envisioned, despite the crappy diapers.")

Coates writes that some of his moments of greatest satisfaction come from the silent approval of older African-American women he sees on the street - glad to see him assuming his role. Adamnick - or Aaron Traister, who also wrote a terrific piece about being a SAHD recently - has it easier: fewer people are going to question his choice, at least publicly, despite the continuing stigmas of perceived emasculation. But for them, too, the approval of women is clearly critical to maintaining their self-respect. I'm not talking in the sexual sense, and I don't mean that fathers should be given more credit for doing the same work mothers do routinely. But they need the same credit, the approving looks and, yes, the happy tears (because for many of the same reasons, they're not likely to get them from other men - and not just because a new study, as gleefully reported by the Daily Mail, finds that the average woman cries constantly.) I hope, for this reason amongst others that plenty of women are involved in the Fatherhood initiative - giving the support and approval that may seem obvious but that, frankly, I think we're better at.

White House Launches Fatherhood Initiative [NPR]
Confessions Of A Black Mr. Mom [Washington Monthly]
Dude, Man Up And Start Acting Like A Mom [Salon]
Video Mortified The Radio Star [Mike Adamick]
Crying Shame: Women Spend One Year And Four Months Of Their Lives In Tears [Daily Mail]

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<![CDATA[Cute Overload]]> This sweet picture, found via BuzzFeed, of a man taking an innocent nap with a wombat [the cutest animal in the world -Ed.], is hands down the adorable thing we've seen so far today. And it's still before 10am! [BuzzFeed]

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<![CDATA[Boot Camp Helps Men Prepare To Be Fathers]]> The North Carolina Women's Hospital is offering a Boot Camp For New Dads, a men-only program that lets expecting fathers ask questions, talk about their fears, get advice, and meet other dads and their newborns. [UPI]

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<![CDATA[Happy Father's Day, Dad]]> I was supposed to be a boy. The doctor had told my mother to expect a small blob with male bits in early 1981, based on some wacky 80s unscientific guesstimation that apparently did not include an actual sonogram. Whoops!

My parents had everything ready for my arrival: blue clothes, blue blankets, a male name, and, I'm sure, as far as my father was concerned, dreams of basketball games and little league games and fishing trips or whatever it is that fathers typically do with their sons. But their second daughter was born instead, and two years later, their third, leaving my father as a sort of bizarro Mike Brady, with three very lovely girls.

I write about my dad a lot, mostly because my dad is hilarious, and is pretty much a real-life version of Clark Griswold (if Clark Griswold had a Star Wars obsession). We have bonded over music and we communicate primarily through jokes from movies, and my dad is one of the few people in the world who can consistently make me laugh.

My dad often got razzed about having three girls: what a nightmare, what drama, what stress! But my father seemed to shrug it off because, as he claims, he didn't really see the big deal. My sisters and I did everything my male cousins did: we were all on a million teams, played a billion sports (and captained a few varsity ones, thankyouverymuch), spent our summer days outdoors in the woods, etc. But we also liked dolls, we also liked playing house, we also liked building forts and throwing tea parties with very glamorous stuffed animals. My dad never looked at it as "oh, I have daughters, woe is me." "Or, oh, I have tomboys, so that makes it okay." My dad, I think, just looked at us as his kids, and he got a kick out of our adventures, regardless of what gender norms they embraced. Looking back, I see how important this was: my father never made us feel embarrassed to be girls, and he never made us feel like we shouldn't be "acting like boys." My dad just wanted us to be happy, to be ourselves.

So Happy Father's Day, dad. May the force be with you, and thanks for always being there for us.

And now let's rock out to one of my dad's favorite singers:




Feel free to leave a note about your father, or the father-figure in your life, in the comments.

Earlier: What Was The Album That Made You Love Music?
When Your Dad Speaks To You Through Random Movie Quotes

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<![CDATA["I Sucked, And So Did My Life, And I Made Sure Everyone Knew It."]]> In a pretty rad Salon essay, Aaron Traister goes from stay-at-home-superdad to "stay-at-home dick-face" and back again.

Don't worry, this isn't another defiant confessional about resenting one's kids (cause doesn't everyone?!) No, the author clearly adores his children, and when it comes to the stay-at-home thing, initially, he's all about it:

The decision to stay home was a fairly easy one. My 1-year-old son displayed early warning signs of being part tornado, and our household was beginning to crack like a trailer home under the strain of 175 mph winds. My wife had the degree, the full-time job, the benefits, and most important, desire and ambition. When you compared that to my mishmash of part-time contract work and my unique inability to function around other humans, it was clear who would be the one on the front lines in the constant battle against diaper rash.

And it works: things run smoothly, their son is happy, the house is clean and organized. Traister has, perhaps, found his calling.

Being Mr. Mom was turning me into the man I had always aspired to be; I was becoming dependable. If I was at all concerned about how other people saw me, or if I experienced a vague sense of unease as I watched my male contemporaries cultivate careers, as opposed to the professional false starts I had shared with them in our early 20s, those feelings were quickly stifled by the sense that a) I was learning tools I desperately needed, and b) this was only temporary.

But then it's not temporary: a second baby and a crumbling job market mean that Traister can't so easily get back in the work force " for the sake of my own masculine vanity." And now that it's actually his life - not temporary, not novel, not an exception to his real existence - he falls into what sounds a lot like a depression.

Realizing that I was stuck brought about an ugly change in me. The financial penis envy that I had so assiduously avoided began to creep into my relationship with my wife. I got shitty and sulky when she told people in passing that I was staying home with the kid. I qualified her statements by letting whoever she was speaking to know that this was a temporary thing, and that I had held several very butch jobs up until the last year. For instance, did I mention that I worked in a prison, or that I was a bouncer?

He falls into a miasma of net-surfing and drinking, absorbed in his "crushing sense of emasculated loserdom." The household routine collapses, his son's behavior suffers, and the home becomes disorganized and fraught. "I sucked, and so did my life, and I made sure everyone knew it."

His resignation - or revelation - comes while shoveling snow with his toddler son's "help." Ironically, it's a sense of basic masculine accomplishment - "I'm big and I'm strong and I can shovel snow and install air-conditioners for people who can't shovel snow or install air-conditioners for themselves. I can do this, and my son wants to help." - that makes him realize the value of his less-traditional contribution. While some readers will surely chafe at the need to contextualize his contentment in these terms, it actually seems important for some people to recognize that being a stay-at-home-dad is more than a wimpy punchline; it's not that someone's a "Mr. Mom" - he's a dad, staying at home, providing a different set of gifts altogether along with the basic nurturing. Traister points to this need to, not abandon any sense of masculine pride, but learn to understand it along less narrow lines:

We keep hearing that women will surpass men in the workforce during this recession. As many of us (for whatever reason) find ourselves in a fiduciary timeout, we should not only think about how to repower the American worker but how to reimagine the American man. The moment our mothers entered the workforce and shattered expectations, the rules about gender roles in this country changed completely, even if our perceptions didn't. Trying to live like our grandfathers is no longer an option....As we step, or are forced, into the new roles that are presented to us, perhaps we should not lament, or vainly grasp at the responsibilities we feel we should have, but instead sack up and embrace the ones that are right in front of us.

But one of the things that's most striking about this essay is that it's not all about his masculine identity; rather, the evolution he describes - of the risk of losing sense of self, and the sense that one is entitled to some kind of recognition from the larger world - sounds much more like one we normally hear from stay-at-home moms. While notions of masculine ego certainly put a different spin on the issue, this isn't the essay we would have read five years ago: now what he writes has universal application. Whether that's a good thing, or merely complicated, is an open question.

Dude, Man Up And Start Acting Like A Mom[Salon]

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<![CDATA[New Research Says Having Kids Alters Men's Brains]]> In news that might surprise Michael Lewis, new research shows that having a baby may change men's brains to make them better dads and partners.

Craig Kingsley and Kelly Lambert, whose research lead to Katherine Ellison's 2005 book The Mommy Brain, are studying fatherhood in both humans and other animals. They found that when male deer mice are exposed to baby deer mice (even if the babies aren't theirs), motivation and problem-solving areas of their brains grow. Male titi monkeys, which made for life and help care for babies, also experience such changes. In men, the researchers found that levels of prolactin — a hormone that in women influences lactation and in men may increase responsiveness to a baby's cry — increased after the birth of a child. Testosterone, which influences mate seeking and aggression, correspondingly decreased.

However, Michale Lewis's claim that he didn't love his children initially may not be so unusual. Susan Kuchinskas, writing about Kingsley and Lambert's research for Miller-McCune, says, "fatherly love may take time to grow. After all, mom's body and brain have enjoyed a nine-months-long stew of hormones to prepare her for this role, while the overhaul of dad's brain seems to begin only at the appearance of the child."

Kingsley and Lambert's findings suggest a model of parenthood that is different from the essentialist mommy-as-natural-nurturer, daddy-as-natural-dumbass stereotypes promulgated by traditional-family types. Their research indicates that childrearing, for both men and women, is a physical process, and that contact with children actually makes parents better at taking care of them. Kuchinskas writes,

To maximize the physical changes that support parenting, the best thing a prospective father can do is take an active role in birth preparations and be physically close to his partner and their child when the baby is born, snuggling close and inhaling that unique baby smell. Research by Jay Fagan, a professor of social work at Temple University, shows that fathers who get involved in pregnancy seem more committed to their partner and the child after it's born.

Lewis writes about the strangeness of being expected to change diapers, when his dad "didn't talk to him til he was 21." But all those dirty diapers — and the physical closeness that came with them — may have made him a better dad.

Benefits of the Daddy Brain [Miller-McCune]
Fatherhood Is Good for Your Brain [Utne Reader]

Earlier: Michael Lewis Says Dads Suck At Chores, Emotional Attachment

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<![CDATA[The Mystery Of The Missing Dad]]> Times writer Damon Syson asks: why are all the fathers in children's books so very lame? Do children's books just "need to catch up," as one psychologist suggests? Or is Syson just reading his kids out-of-date literature? Perhaps most importantly, why is this article published under the "Women" section? [Times]

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<![CDATA[Daddy's Girl]]> Tiny Art Director is one blog so cute we don't begrudge its book deal! Graphic artist Bill Zeman draws things according to his four-year-old daughter's exacting instructions (ie, "A dinosaur eating a R and an O and an S and a I and a E"), she critiques the result. [BoingBoing]

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<![CDATA[Some Fathers Are Selfish & Proud]]> Two different stories about selfish dads seem sad and totally retro:

First there's "I'm A Better Dad Part-Time," by Richard Seely , who claims that from the moment his daughter was born, she and her mother were forming a bond "and I was, to some degree, excluding myself." As she grew older, Seely's daughter would go into "theatrics" in the absence of her mother. Seely writes:

I lost patience with this behaviour, and ultimately with many of her imperfections.

I became more and more of an ogre. I would snap at her. Tell her "no" sometimes for no other reason than to distinguish myself from her mother. If she got an A on a report card, I'd ask why it wasn't an A-plus. Unconsciously, I would intimidate her. Once - I can't even remember what she had done - all I had to do was look at her and my expression sent her running to her room, afraid of me. I never hit her, and have never contemplated any form of physical response toward her or anyone else, but what mattered was that I made her afraid of me.

And so, when he and his wife got divorced, he was fine with the mother getting custody of the child. He says of his daughter:

Because I don't see her every day, I have much more tolerance for the behaviours that used to frustrate me. I offer comfort instead of scorn if she misses her mother when she's away on a business trip. I celebrate the time we spend together, be it an hour or two after school or a weeklong camping trip in the summer.

I'm happier and more secure in my role as a parent than I ever was before.

But: Does any of this seem like a cop-out? Of course it's easier to be "tolerant" and happy when you've only got to deal with a kid part time; instead of being awakened in the night by fevers or managing tantrums, you're only there for ice cream and games and camping. Fun! But is that parenting, or is that just "hanging out" with a child, like an Aunt, Uncle or family friend would do?

The guy referenced in Strollerderby's post A Dad's Point of View: Am I Selfish? Or Just a Jerk? at least seems self-concious enough to realize he's selfish. Bruce Sallan writes about a ski trip taken with his wife and 12-year-old son. Blogger Keri summarizes his story thusly:

Son got a bad nosebleed. Dad tended to him, called the hospital, found out what to do, and sat with the boy until the blood stopped, almost 30 minutes later. Dad wanted to take turns with Step-mom going skiing, so that one would be with the kid and one on the slopes at all times. Step-mom volunteered to stay with the boy the whole time. After 45 minutes on the mountain, nosebleed recommences, Step-mom calls Dad, and Dad returns to Son. Son wants to go home.

Did the dad take the kid home? No. Sallan explains: "I gave him a relatively stern talk on being a man, learning to deal with some pain, as there will be some pain in life... I explained that running away would only teach him how not to deal with life's crises… We give in to our children's whims and complaints too easily. Sometimes, we as parents need to take care of our needs... [Step-mom] chose to be over-the-board careful and I chose to be, what some might say, selfish..." Beyond the fact that teaching your kid to "toughen up" is soooo 1950s and reinforces some nasty stereotypes about what it means to be a man, don't both of these stories make you wonder why these dads feel no shame about being so selfish? And don't you wonder what the mothers think of such behavior?

I'm A Better Dad Part-Time [Globe And Mail]
A Dad's Point of View: Am I Selfish? Or Just a Jerk? [Strollerderby]
Related: A DAD'S POINT OF VIEW: Am I A Selfish Parent? [HuntingtonNews.net]

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<![CDATA[Zach Has Two Terrific "Maddies"]]> This Sunday, "Modern Love" went back to school. And we cried.

PMS time? Maybe. How else to explain weeping at the end of Jennifer Finney Boylan's
"Modern Love" essay on becoming a transgender dad? Because, I mean, this was hardly tragic; rather, it's like the Ozzy and Harriet of transgender dad stories, when you think about it. Jim has always felt trapped inside his man's body, and years into his marriage, begins his transition. His wife and sons are totally cool with it.

Because of the love of my spouse, Deedie, not to mention that of my boys, I found the courage, somehow, to traverse the weird ocean between men and women, to make the voyage not only from one sex to another, but from a place where my life was defined by the secrets I kept to a new one, where almost everything I'd ever held in my heart could finally be spoken out loud.

Deedie, he finds, "decided that her life was better with me in it than not" and their domestic routine continues, seemingly as untroubled and enviably organized as ever. Recently, the author relates, their older son came to them with a confession and the parents, Mommy and Maddy, brace themselves for a seismic revelation about gender identity. But, poignant family sitcom style, the boy just wants to become a pacifist, take up the Irish fiddle, and give up the tuba. Later, this son (who is apparently perfect) pens the following essay for school:

Once the transition had taken place, I was comfortable with it. But I was worried what my friends would think. I kept it secret for a little bit, but eventually they found out. They all accepted it a lot better than I thought they would...Maddy is funny and wise. We go fishing and biking. We talk a lot, about anything that is on our minds. One night this spring, Maddy and I had a fancy dinner at a restaurant in Waterville. It was a special night. I wore a jacket and a tie. I had a steak. It made me feel like Maddy and I were really close. Maddy said that she thought I was growing up and that she was proud of me.

In my progressive, aggressively secular elementary school, we had a bi-weekly class called "Ethics" in which we read stories, discussed them, and came to mutually satisfactory conclusions about what constituted a good person. The stories were often like this, with saintly kids undergoing family changes that other kids Don't Understand, but ultimately helping other people grow and change and appreciate difference. I was invariably moved to tears. As indeed, I was reading this. My friend returned from getting our coffees at the mediocre 60s-tinged spot where we had escaped the heat and asked me what was wrong. "This transgender father..." I choked out, and wordlessly handed her the paper. She read it and looked at me blankly.

"What?" she said. "It seems pretty straightforward. Feel-good. But isn't it pretty cliched?"

Well, yeah. Isn't that kind of the point?

‘Maddy' Just Might Work After All [NY Times]

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<![CDATA[This Dad Doesn't Like To Play With His Kids...]]> ...and that's hilarious, you see!

It should be said that this is merely a corollary to a light-hearted article by author Tom Hodgkinson railing against the tyranny of expensive "outings" and promoting the joys of staying at home with kids. Or, as he puts it,

One happy day, I sat in the armchair reading my William Morris biography while Henry played on the floor with his toy tractors, Delilah cut up bits of paper, and Arthur read The Beano. Later I found myself making a pair of sunglasses out of a cereal packet with Delilah.

Indeed. His friend "James" takes another approach:

Fertile neglect is the name of that policy: leaving the boy to his own devices so I can pursue mine and he can develop those solitary skills that will serve him in future airports, waiting rooms and prisons. It came about simply because I found actual down-at-his-level waving-tiny-figurines PLAYING to be, for some reason, soul-destroying-the arbitrary and despotic movements of the child-mind and all that. Bonus side effect: when you do consent, in moments of magnanimity, to lower yourself to their play-level they are incredibly grateful.

This is, one presumes, humorous. I hope. Because it's quite bad enough to not get to spend time with one's dad - because of work, divorce, responsibilities, any number of realities. To have him there - but unwilling to spend time with you - must be great for a small child's self-esteem! Poor guy, one can hardly expect him to enjoy playing with his own children - it's not like one can obtain joy from watching a child's pleasure! No, only those arrested types who enjoy playing with toddler toys can actually bear this sort of thing. And he's absolutely right; God forbid your child take your attention for granted! One can only imagine how effective his mind games are with women!

I get it: dads want to get in on the trend of exploding domesticity myths. Raising kids isn't all sunshine and Full House-style learning and growing. But for some reason it's different when it comes from a father; we don't yet, as a society, take their involvement enough for granted for this to be funny. A dad emotionally neglecting his kids? Not comedic. Maybe it's a double-standard, fellas - and that, we've heard, is rough.

The Idle Parent [Slate]

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<![CDATA[Dads Compete In Hannah Montana Lookalike Contest]]> This weekend dads competed in a Hannah Montana karaoke contest at the Mall of America for two airline tickets and the title of "Mr. Montana."

WCCO in Minneapolis aired video of winner Pat Ebertz dancing in a blond wig and gold jumpsuit on the news. After seeing him explain in the full video that he's willing to make a complete fool of himself for his daughter, we can't help but find his performance a little touching, albeit disturbing. [CBS News]

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<![CDATA[Daddy's Girls]]> Study says: women are, increasingly, going into the same fields as their fathers. This is apparently due not just to shifting norms, but to closer relationships and stronger "job-specific" communication. [Eurekalert]

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<![CDATA[Study Shows Men Attracted To Women Who Look Like Their Mothers]]> The media has long noted Lance Armstrong's preference for wiry, long-faced blondes, and a new study shows he might have a hard-wired reason for his sexual predilection: these women look like his mother. (Pictured, from left: Lance's mom, Linda, his ex-wife Kristin, and ex-girlfriend Sheryl Crow). According to a new study, "men were more likely to pair up with women whose bone structure was similar to their own mothers, with a similar effect holding for womens' choice of men," the Guardian reports. Psychologists call this "sexual imprinting" and the study leader, Tamas Bereczkei at the University of Pecs in Hungary, says that this imprinting isn't just due to familiarity alone. "If that were the case, women would be drawn to men whose faces were similar to their mothers as well as their fathers," the Guardian points out.

Professor Bereczkei and his team measured the facial proportions of 52 families during the course of the study, and found " significant correlations between the young men and their fathers-in-law, especially on facial proportions belonging to the central area of face - nose and eyes," the BBC notes, while "Women also showed resemblance to their mothers-in-law in the facial characteristics of their lower face - lips and jaw." Somehow, hearing from a guy that you have a mouth just like his mother's doesn't exactly endear. Science is creepy!

Psychology: Parental Link Found In Attraction [Guardian]
Women Pick Men Who Look Like Dad [BBC]

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<![CDATA[This Week We Defended Fashion And Dismissed Deluded Ladymags]]>

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<![CDATA[Yeah, We Were Gonna Say Something Obvious And Cliched About Bad British Teeth But You Know What? Amy Winehouse Looks Kinda Cute. As Does Her Doting, Pot-Bellied Dad.]]>

[London, July 6. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

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