"Social misery and cuteness seem to be linked," writes Windolf for Vanity Fair, which is the kind of line that makes this article fascinating, even if one is not so frightened by the tyranny of cuteness as the author is. Windolf covers a lot of ground in his quest to uncover why people won't quit sending him YouTube videos of laughing babies. In addition to social science, there's regular old science (cuteness is physically addictive!), business (the evolution of the Geico gecko from more realistic reptile to big-eyed, bipedal moppet), psychology (helpless and needy things are cutest, creating a "rather sick power relationship between lovers of cuteness and the objects"), linguistics ("What is the antonym for 'cutegasm'? Because that's what I'm having right now"), and history (Japan started kicking the world's ass at cute after WWII, and now that so many Americans are co-opting Japanese pop culture, "It is strange, but possibly correct, to think that every time we gaze on a cute image these days we are seeing some weird aftereffect of World War II. The cuteness created by our bombs has come back to seduce us"). And then there's music, food, cars, and a bunch of questionable bullshit.

Let's focus on that last one. Among the things Windolf identifies as part of the "tsunami of cuteness" washing over our shores: Snuggies, candy bars, cuddle parties, the teenage hugging epidemic (there is one, evidently), and yes, President Obama. Note to Windolf: At least 95% of declarations that the president is "cute" are because saying the president is "hot" would be unseemly, especially when we all love his wife. Pictures of him playing with Bo or swinging his niece in the air are "cute" because puppies and babies are cute, and also because handsome, powerful men playing with puppies and babies are hot. And the rest of these things are not actually about cuteness, but about comfort and (arguably) a regression to childhood, which Windolf conflates with cuteness.

The simultaneous popularity of all of these things is probably no coincidence, and the idea that it's all at least partly a result of "social misery" — wars, a recession, etc., — seems sound. But still, "cuteness" does not equal "anything comforting." Chocolate and hugs and blankets with sleeves might make me feel better for a moment, in much the same way as visiting The Daily Puppy does, but they do not make me squeal involuntarily and want to own five hundred of them and name them and express my love for them with deliberately poor spelling and grammar. (Well, except for the dog-shaped Godiva truffles I saw recently, or certain blankets printed with puppehs and kittehs and bun-buns, or tiny children who give enthusiastic hugs... you get the picture.) Cute is its own thing.

So, to understand the power of cute — Windolf's ostensible goal — you have to start there: Cute is its own thing. And the internet-based cute phenomenon is its own thing again. Windolf only gets around to my very first thought about the meteoric rise of online cuteness as a "quick aside" toward the end: "maybe the cuteness has come for us because of the huge change we've gone through in the last decade in terms of our relationships with our machines." Yes! The machines on which we view the cuteness are indeed related to our ravenous appetite for it! Except, his theories about that are still kinda weak:

The cuteness craze may represent a nostalgia for a lost world. Or maybe we're trying, in some pathetic way, to animate our machines, to imbue them with sounds and images that strike at the deepest part of what it means to be human: our desire to take care of helpless creatures. We're like those office workers of the 1960s and 1970s who tried to beat back the alienation they felt as a result of being the first people to inhabit sterile-seeming cubicles eight hours a day by putting up that poster of the cute little kitten hanging from the tree.

First, it can't just be nostalgia for a lost world when a large percentage of cute-lovers are young enough that they haven't lost a damned thing; they grew up online. And second, those of us who are actively engaged in the sorts of internet communities that gave rise to the whole cuteness explosion are not interacting with "our machines" but with other human beings, via e-mail, instant messaging, social media, multi-user games, discussion boards, comments sections on blogs, etc. We are not sitting around with our soulless gadgets feeling lonely and wishing we had a kitty to pet; we are talking to other people all the time. And that's exactly why we need to look at pictures of cute things: to calm down from talking to other people, who can be real assholes. The universality of cuteness is exactly its appeal at that point: Even if you can't agree with a semi-anonymous stranger about politics, religion or television, you can agree that a sneezing baby panda is hilariously adorable, and everyone feels better about the world.

In fact, bringing enemies (or at least surprising friends) together is a thriving subcategory of Internet Cuteness. There is a reason why Cute Overload's "interspecies snorgling" tag is one of the most popular. I have yet to literally see a lion lie down with a lamb, but I've seen a Rhodesian Ridgeback lie down with a micropiglet, a bobcat with a fawn, and a tiger with a chimp. And said tiger/chimp combo is an example of an even cuter subcategory of interspecies snorgling: interspecies adoption. Seeing a chimp taking care of an orphaned tiger cub or a hound nursing an abandoned squirrel is the kind of thing that makes me think if I ever ran across a needy, stray Republican, I, too would be generous enough to overcome our natural aversion to each other and help out. That feels good.

But then, I'm a big old girl. And although he never explicitly says so, I can't help thinking that's part of Windolf's problem with all this dastardly cute shit: It's so feminine! And yet, regular people like it! The hell? In his discussion of how Japan came to lead the world in cute, he quotes Roland Kelts, author of Japanamerica: How Japanese Pop Culture Has Invaded the U.S. : "One theory, which has been proposed by a lot of Japanese artists and academics, is that, after the humiliation and emasculation of Japan in the postwar years, Japan developed this quasi-queer position of ‘little brother' or ‘little boy.' If you become ‘little brother' or ‘little boy,' the only way you can get big brother's or fat man's attention is by being so cute or puppy-like that he has to take care of you." There is absolutely no unpacking of the ideas that A) an entire country can be "emasculated"; B) this is necessarily a bad thing, synonymous with humiliation; C) the ultimate symbol of power, even to metaphorical dependent children, is a large man — not a mother; or that D) being childlike is "quasi-queer," which is offensive enough on its own, but also clearly implies "sissy," i.e., "girly." We're just supposed to automatically agree that this is a bad scene, and if we don't want America to become one big symbolic fag chick boy child, we all need to nut up and quit forwarding that goddamned laughing baby video.

Writes Windolf:

For generations, kids couldn't wait until they reached adulthood so they could smoke, drink, eat four-course meals, make money, drive cars, have sex, and, if they were the type to join the military, legally kill other human beings. Now we would rather log on and tune out, preferably in the womb-like comfort of a Snuggie, which is the perfect thing to wear as we gaze at photos of kittens while gnawing on delicious cupcakes.

Listen, except for legally killing other human beings, I not only looked forward to all those things eagerly as a child, but continue to be actively grateful that I'm finally allowed to do them at nearly 35. I do not romanticize childhood at all, much less wish I could return to a simpler time, when I had to ask permission to cross the street. And yet, I also enjoy kittens, cupcakes and Snuggies. There is plenty of room in the world for sex, drugs, rock and roll, war, greed, hatred, Cute Overload and Smart Cars, all at the same time. Not to mention blistering satire of cute culture, which Windolf mentions as a ray of hope, and which I also find delightful. (Not delightful? LOLcats and dogs delivering twee messages about pet adoption and military heroism. That is too much sap even for me, people.)

Windolf's still not optimistic, however. "I would not doubt the power of cuteness. It will bat its lashes and crinkle its nose, and it will smother its critics with its softness," he concludes. Um, dude? You know what one of the very best things about cute shit is? Unlike war, an economic downturn, or living without health insurance, for instance, it's not actually scary.

Image from White House Flickr Pool

Addicted to Cute [Vanity Fair]

[Image via Cute Overload]

Below: A cat who loves a baby so much he'll take any type of abuse.

Baby Hates Cat… Cat Doesn't Care [Buzzfeed]

[Bridgeport, CT; Images by Shannon Calvert via Zooborns.]

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. - April 22, 2009 - Connecticut's Beardsley Zoo, the state's only Zoo, welcomed the birth of eight Guinea Hog piglets on April 16, 2009. Mom and dad are two Guinea Hogs currently on exhibit at the Zoo - named Olivia and Hamton J. Pig. Visitors are invited to come to the Zoo to meet the eight new additions to the Zoo's family.

Connecticut's Own Octomom-pig [Zooborns]


Addictional cute:

Here's a slow loris being tickled [Nothing To Do With Arbroath]

[Image via Cute Overload]

[Image via Cute Overload.]

We like disproportionately large heads; large eyes, set low on the face; button noses and soft round bodies. Hence the popularity of this and these.

But I still wonder why I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to. While my sister and I both are "meh" about most human babies, we totally squee over baby animals. And she goes a little further and gets super emotional about turtles. Not exactly cuddly, but she adores them.

When it comes to guys, I've dated all kinds and wouldn't at all say that I have a "type," although delicate, slender, olive-skinned, dark-eyed, dark-haired boys generally make me sigh. The thing is: If I get really honest with you? Truly honest? This might gross you out. But a couple of years ago, I suddenly realized that this sorta looked like this. That second link, friends, is my mother. I know. Horrifying. I saw this boy on Facehunter and thought, mmm! And then I was like, oh God. I mean: Some chicks date dudes who look like their dad. Chace Crawford went out with a woman who looks like his sister. A professor once told me that the more your parents tell you you're beautiful, the more likely you are to be attracted to someone who looks just like you. Does any of it make sense?

We Don't Need Popular Science To Tell Us Why Kittens Are Cute [Videogum]

[Image via CuteOverload.]

Alas, our time together has once again come to an end. As there were a few downer stories on the site today, I thought I'd make it up to you by leaving you with nothing but goodness: a puppy and a cupcake. Have a nice night, and thank you for another lovely weekend!

Image via Cute Overload.

Thanks for another lovely weekend!

The creator of "Fuck You, Penguin" feels the same way. A blog where the author "tells cute animals what's what", Fuck You, Penguin is a hilarious answer to the cute overload that is currently sweeping the internet. Whales, prairie dogs, dolphins, polar bears, and other adorable creatures all get a talking-to. For example: below a picture of a cute little koala, the author writes: "Holy shit, Koala. I didn't realize you were POSING FOR A FUCKING ALBUM COVER FROM THE 1970S. I bet all the songs would be about eucalyptus, seeing as that's all you can eat, you non-omnivorous little shit. Why don't you get down off your tree trunk and act like a normal animal, or are you too good for us? Get lost, Koala. My mind didn't even want to comprehend your cute little existence anyway."

Yesterday's entry, attached to the whale picture above, was also a gem: "I get it, Whale, you're busy. I've only been on this FUCKING BOAT for three and a half hours waiting for you, and the only thing I've seen so far is my lunch from earlier. It's not like you spend your entire goddamn life in the ocean, so I see why you would only come up for basically a split second. Personally, if someone was going to all this trouble specifically to see me, I would take time out of my BUSY ASS SCHEDULE to at least stop by the boat and make some small talk, maybe have some salmon. But I understand, Whale, places to go, 500 pounds of food to eat. I'll be fine. The real question here, Whale, is will you be fine? Can you really live with yourself? Maybe you need to make a change."

So you see, anti-puppy picture commenter? It's a holiday miracle, just for you, and for the rest of us who happen to find shouting obscenities at a picture of a platypus pretty hilarious.

Fuck You, Penguin via [Metafilter]

Père Noël,

I would like a nice gift, and I would like to see you.

Because I have been very good throughout the year. I have listened well, I have cleaned up my room by myself and I had fun at school, and I have played with my friends.

Also, I am going to move, I will have a nice house and a mezzanine.

I eat everything, but sometimes, I don’t.

Then I would like to see you for Christmas and Halloween and talk to you. I would like to sing you a song-poem. When is winter coming ?

Also I would like to talk to you, but if you leave and go far away, I would like to see you in your house.

If I hug you, your beard will not sting, it will only tickle.

And I would like to go into your sleigh. How will I do that ? Do I have to climb up the trees ?

Kisses,

Capucine.

[Image via Jem'appelleCapucine's photostream]

[Tralalere]