Taylor, the first African leader to be tried for war crimes, will speak for the first time tomorrow at The Hague in The Netherlands, where the UN-backed Special Court for Sierra Leone is trying him for 11 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity, The New York Times reports.

Taylor is only being tried for crimes committed in Sierra Leone, which neighbors Liberia, between 1996 and 2002, where he allegedly armed and commanded rebel groups that used child soldiers, raped and disfigured civilians, and killed up to 200,000 people. However, it's believed that his policies destroyed the lives of even more people in Liberia, where he first began using bands of child soldiers as a rebel leader in the 1990s and then as president.

When Taylor lost control of the country in 2003 about 15,000 children were fighting in his government forces, and since then they've been struggling to rebuild their lives. The Guardian interviewed dozens of child soldiers who say in addition to being traumatized by they war, they aren't receiving help from the state and are shunned by their communities.

In a video interview, 18-year-old Gloria Sherman, who was 13 when she saw her father and brother brutally murdered and was forced to join the army, explains how conditions were even worse for girls, saying:

For boys they have to do what they are told. If they are told to go somewhere they have to go, but for a girl sometimes we used to be raped not just by one person sometimes two or three and after that we still had to carry weapons to the front lines so girls were maltreated more than the boys.

After two years Gloria managed to escape and went back to her village, Lofa, but she ostracized by the other villagers and labeled a "rebel wife." "They say we are bad girls because of what we did in the war and what we do now," Gloria said. "But they took me and I had no choice." Now she says she can only survive by prostituting herself, and is often paid in food, sanitary napkins, or soap.

Researchers from Plan, an international children's organization which runs support programs for former child soldiers in Liberia and Sierra Leone, found that 70% of girls and 80% of the boys who were once child soldiers are at risk for suicide and 30% have already tried to kill themselves. Gloria says:

When I close my eyes, all I can see is the war. I often think about taking my own life. It would have been better if I'd died in the war, but I am still alive and I hope one day something will be different and I will be a good person.

Ninety-one witnesses have testified about the atrocities committed in Sierra Leone since the trial began in January 2008, but in his opening statement on Monday, defense attorney Courtenay Griffiths said Taylor wasn't responsible, AFP reports. Griffiths said, "Taylor was not an African Napoleon bent on taking over the sub-region. He had a front line role in the conflict as a broker of peace." Taylor's testimony is expected to last for six to eight weeks and there probably won't be a final verdict for another year.

War Crimes Trial To Hear From Ex-Liberia President [The New York Times]
Agony Without End For Liberia's Child Soldiers [The Guardian]
Video: Girl Soldiers: Charles Taylor's Legacy [The Guardian]
Liberia's Taylor 'Was Peace Broker': Lawyer [AFP]

According to a new survey of 1,244 women in Swaziland, one third had been raped, reports today's New York Times. Previous studies and newspaper stories in Swaziland have focused on rapes that are committed by teachers in school, but 17 percent of the rapists were male relatives or family friends, while 3 percent were teachers or principals.

The study, which was conducted by Unicef and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said that the small nation, surrounded by South Africa, has one of the highest rates of AIDS in the world, with 26 percent of the adult population infected. Part of the reason for the high rate of sexual assault may be the persistent myth that a man can be cleansed of AIDS by having sex with a virgin. About 5 percent of those interviewed said they had been raped before the age of 18.

While the systematic assault of women in Congo, the Darfur region of Sudan, Serbia, and Rwanda has been widely reported, the scale of sexual violence in Colombia's four-decade-old conflict is mostly unknown, according to the Christian Science Monitor. Women's organizations say there are thousands of cases of rape by right-wing paramilitaries and leftist guerrillas that are going unreported in the country. "The problem is not yet being seen in its full dimension," says Patricia Buriticá, who heads the Women's Peace Initiative, which helps victims of sexual violence.

Though paramilitary commanders claim the rapes were isolated cases, a 2006 report by the Inter-American Commission of Human rights said, "The actors in Colombia's armed conflict, particularly the paramilitaries and guerrillas, use physical, sexual, and psychological violence against women as a strategy of war." Buriticá says she has interviewed hundreds of women who say that once the groups took over a town, the paramilitaries would use village women as sex slaves. In one province a warlord would summon a different woman every night. "A shop owner refused to send his wife to Giraldo and he was killed the next day," Buriticá says.

Many don't realize how widespread the rapes are because women are afraid to report them, and don't see the crimes as part of the conflict. Buriticá says many women will report the murder or torture of male relatives, but still not reveal what happened to them. "There was one woman who reported a murder and it took two years of therapy to get her to report her own rape," Buriticá says.

Amelia, one of the women who reported her rape, said she finally decided to go to the police because she wanted to embolden other women in Colombia to do the same, "The more we are, the stronger we are," she said, adding that she worries that the fact she had to leave her village to protect herself and her family may make more women afraid to report. "I'm sure the women in my town are talking about the price I had to pay for talking," she says. "I don't think I'll be able to go back home for a very long time."

Sexual Abuse: New Study Documents Rape's Grim Toll [The New York Times]
In Colombia, Rape Now Being Prosecuted As Weapon Of War [The Christian Science Monitor]

get the revenge they deserve.

The Accused:Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling her a "slut," saying women should wear Burkas because they are unattractive.
The Evidence:"This is a product of the Britney Spears diet. Her name is Alli Simms [sic] and during all the break down, K-Fed years they were always seen together. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that she looks like he and Britney had a lot in common, mainly their eating habits because she’s so fuckin’ doughy, you wouldn’t be surprised if you walked in on Britney trying to eat her leg. The good news is that she knows she’s got some pounds to lose and I guess takes the Tyra Banks advice that everyone has a bikini body, just as long as you have a really big piece of fabric to cover your fat ass and stomach up. They call the surrongs [sic], I call them a genius way to cover fat sluts up without them acknowledging that they are fat. Now if only they could find a sexy way to market a Burka so that the ugly bitch you’re fucking covers her busted up mug and thinks she’s just being fashionable. It’ll make things easier for you to get it up."
The Punishment: Wow, the shock of actual commas and periods in this post of his has put me off my balance a little bit. However, a step towards grammar will not fool me, Mr. Martinez. He will be exported to Iran where he will be forced to get a sex change (totes legal over there!) and live out the rest of his life as the burka-wearing wifey of the oldest man we can find in the hottest, most religiously conservative area of the Middle East we can find.

The Accused:What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Implying the divorce rumors about Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are the fault of Garner because of her perceived sexual prowess.
The Evidence: "I would assume Affleck is the one instigating this. He's probably losing interest. He’s got that goblin looking kid and he probably blames her, and although she’s beautiful, Garner doesn’t look like she’d be good in bed. She looks like she handles a penis like she thinks it has a bunch of sharp edges or something."
The Punishment: Have sex with the chick from Teeth. How do you like 'em sharp edges now?

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Implying Brooke Hogan looks like a man (oh yes, haven't heard that one before) and that she is unattractive because of that.
The Evidence: ""I was gonna write something about how Brooke Hogan actually looks kind of hot in these pictures from the July issue of Maxim magazine, but then I realized that can't be Brooke Hogan, because the person in those pictures actually looks like a girl. If it really is Brooke, then Maxim must have paid a lot of money for the airbrushers to work their magic, and it looks like they would have needed quite a few heavy-duty spells."
The Punishment: Castration for not having the balls to think of a new joke and forced to become Brooke's personal suntan lotion-applier for life (because we hear she needs one).

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: More implication that a woman (Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya) looks like a man/ is a tranny. Demanding a woman prove her non-tranny status by posing nude.
The Evidence: "You’re probably wondering who this weird-looking thing is, and her name is Daisy De La Hoya from VH1’s Rock of Love 2. I think she might be related to Oscar but I’m not sure, nor am I sure whether or not I find her to be hot. I’m on the fence with this one because girl’s got some dude-like facial qualities due to all the makeup she has on and definitely requires further investigation. Even the name Daisy is tranny-esque. Anyway, Daisy, if that’s your real name, let’s clear this situation up. Send me nudes."
The Punishment: An hour-long ass-kicking from Oscar.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking a woman's backside for not being unnaturally smooth.
The Evidence: "A-list nobody Phoebe Price may have finally found a way to make herself memorable — taking a picture of her loose, pasty, anatomically incorrect backside! Phoebe, age unknown, took time out of her busy schedule of standing outside the Ivy begging anyone to take her photo — to flash her congealed body, while doing something resembling a cartwheel on the beach this weekend. She's not ready for her closeup."
The Punishment: Being forced to do cartwheels along the beach from sunrise to sunset for a week.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Implying they want to kill Britney Spears for having the audacity to walk around in a bikini in her house. Also: mocking her body.
The Evidence: "Britney Spears walked around outside her house in Beverly Hills yesterday, and from what I can tell, nobody has told her that she should never ever wear a bikini. Ever. Nine years ago, I would have shot my parents in the face to get in that. Now, I just want to shoot that propane tank. If I did, I'm pretty sure the city of Beverly Hills would give me some kind of award. Like the key to the city or a parade. And several corporations around the world would offer me the glamorous position of Senior Vice President of Lookin' Suave. I'm the man!
The Punishment: Forced to parade around Beverly Hills in nothing more than a bikini for an entire month. In January.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: WWTDD
The Crime: Sexism, misogyny, ageism.
The Evidence: (Referring to SATC)

"In this case, a movie where the hottest guys in New York are lining up to bang some weathered old hags. Rawr, Samantha, you sex kitten you! It’s easy to see why hot young models (this guy, to be specific) are lining up for one night in that dusty old snatch of yours. You’re soooo sexy. I know it's a sin to day dream about sweaty deviant sex with Samantha, but God should have thought have that before he made her so hot."

Frankly, writing "dusty old snatch" is basically a hate crime. And the hate comes from fear. Why are men so fearful of older women? I could launch into a diatribe about the role of the crone in Western history — how powerful medicine women with the knowledge of herbs and cures were turned into "hags" and "witches" by the Christian patriarchy, but I'll refrain. This person probably just hates his mother.
The Sentence: Burning at the stake, of course.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Lookism.
The Evidence:

"Brooke's fugly ass was driving in the center lane of Bayside Bridge when the car in front of her lost control while trying to switch lanes. The car hit Brooke's car and pushed her into a concrete wall. The cops say the accident was not Brooke's fault. I still blame Brooke. The driver in front of her probably caught a glimpse of her fugly fug ass in his rear view mirror and this caused him to lose control."

Calling someone fugly just isn't humorous. Sue me. Your face is the result of a genetic lottery you have no part in; women are mocked if they get plastic surgery and derided if they don't, shamed if they don't fit into some abstract beauty standard, if they're not symmetrical and "feminine" enough. Humans are supposedly evolved creatures. Why do we treat each other this way? (A reader writes: "Car crashes are not funny. Calling Brooke Hogan a man is not funny. Blerg.")
The Sentence: Incredibly serious and painful whiplash.

The Accused: TMZ
First Crime: Name-calling, derogatory sexism.
The Evidence:

"Hills" Babes Skank Their Way To The Top. So on TMZ TV tonight, we're getting to the bottom of the skankiest question in Hollywood — Which "Hills" chick is the biggest tramp? Lauren Conrad was the original Queen Bee, until Heidi raised her game with a couple of "enhancements." But Audrina blew them both out of the water with those nude pics."

And there is a poll. Look, no one is saying that the girls of The Hills are bastions of morality. But "who's the biggest tramp" contest? Really? Juvenile. Sexist. Not funny.
Additional Crime: Lookism.
Reader-Submitted Evidence: "Celebrity But-Her-Face: Some celebs are good from far, but far from good. Check out which stars have everything goin' on ... but their face." It's a slide show of people with "hot bodies" but supposedly not hot faces. And there are men included! That doesn't make it right, however.
The Sentence: An "accident" in which this person is burned in the face with acid.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Lookism, gay-mocking.
Evidence, via a Reader: "Every time Perez Hilton mentions Lindsay Lohan's rumored girlfriend, he calls her saMANtha Ronson. For someone who proclaims to love lesbians, making fun of one because of her homo-flavored gender presentation is a little fucked up, don't you think? Dude isn't trying to look like a lady! Get over it!" Well said.
The Sentence: Temporary blindness. Oh, wait. Longer than that.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: More misogyny!
The Evidence:"

Women are catty and ugly women are catty and insecure, so of course this chick was gonna try to steal Shania's husband. She did it just so she could say, "You see, I can't be that ugly. I stole Shania Twain's husband." When in reality, she looks like Pumba. And Mutt Lange looks like he's been embalmed. In fact, I heard that the reason there are no pictures of these two together is because whenever they try to take one God kills an orphan."

Do you even understand what is going on here? People try to be edgy or snarky and push the limits, and it just comes off as hate speech. If women ARE catty OR insecure surely it is because we're living in a shitty world where we are judged by our looks and people are paid to write this crap.
The Sentence: 90 days (unpaid) working in an all-girls orphanage, teaching tolerance and kindness.

Reader-Submitted Accusation: SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com
The Crime: Should be obvious.
Verdict: SarahJessicaParkerHasMoreMoneyThanYouEverWillSoJustRelax.com
Case dismissed.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Multiple counts, mostly sexism, misogyny and stupidity.
The Evidence:

"'Lindsay Lohan Is gay' Says Dad: Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes."

I would respond to this but I am busy burying my face in my hands and weeping for the future of this planet. BRB.
The Sentence: This one is a real doozy. Suggestions, please.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Foul language; equating clothes and actions.
The Evidence:

"Linda Hogan: Prison Slut. Linda Hogan dressed up to see her son in jail ... the good news is she could go right from there to work the 2:00 PM shift at the local strip club. With barely-there shorts, a tight tee and pair of Lucite heels, Linda arrived separately from her daughter, Brooke, and soon-to-be ex, Hulk Hogan. Linda, some of the guys in the hoosegow haven't seen a chick in six months. Then again, some of them are clearly eligible."

Okay, well, you can make the argument that dressing slutty doesn't make you a slut. I wore a Playboy Bunny Halloween costume when I was in 6th grade despite never having made out with a boy. Then again, Linda Hogan is tacky. But it's not cool for "entertainment news" site to have a headline called "Linda Hogan: Prison Slut." It pisses me off that they have this team of people who go out and harass celebs and then write awful things about them and are then rewarded with a corporate deal from AOL. It legitimizes their assholery.
The Sentence: A kick in the nuts with the aforementioned stripper heels.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Rape jokes.
The Evidence:

"I wonder if someone tried to rape Kirsten. Because she's so sexy. And then things got out of hand. Sex crimes are serious. Any time a girl is raped, I think she should go to the cops immediately. Unless I'm the one who did it, in which case I think we should just let bygones be bygones. Why live in the past?"

Wow. I don't know. Half of me thinks they're baiting us. The other half is like who cares, typing those words should be a crime. It's not right and it's not funny. Rape is a brutal act of aggression and making light of it is immoral. The end.
The Sentence: A case of necrotizing fasciitis, also known as the flesh-eating disease.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Equating Britney to a manatee.
The Evidence:

"Save the Britney: Meet Britney! She’s one of the few who survived 2007, during which 78 manatees were killed by watercraft and hundreds more by water pollution and direct destruction of their natural habitats. But with the advent of Adopt-A-Manatee, you can do your part to help save Florida’s gentle giants. For only $25 you get: * A photo of your manatee * The manatee’s biography * An adoption certificate * A signed copy of "Toxic" * Four newsletters throughout the year with updated reports on your adoptee. Britney needs our help. Let’s all do our part to save the docile sea cows of the Southeastern United States!"

Britney's had a tough year and she seems to be getting a handle on her mental illness. Lord knows what kind of medications she is on. Why do people feel the need to talk about her weight? Why is any mother of two under the microscope like this? For the record, she does not look like a sea cow, she looks great. What is wrong with people.
Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: Egotastic
The Evidence:

"With her recent weight gain, and Mel Gibson whisking her down to Costa Rica, many have been speculating that Britney Spears is pregnant again. But as you can see from these Britney Spears bikini pictures, she's just getting fatter. Her belly is definitely bigger, but those rolls of fat clearly show the only things causing that bump are burgers. Or Cheetos in Britney's case."

Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Evidence:

"I'm not sure what kind of funhouse mirror glasses this dude from The Sun is looking at these pictures with, but the only curves I see is on Britney's Coke can. The rest is just Britney's fat ass squeezed into a bikini. At this point, I'm just surprised a whale didn't bite her ankle and pull her into the ocean to be it's[sic] mate. You could see how that would be an honest mistake."

The Sentence: All offenders must spend 48 hours treading water in the open sea, wearing a necklace of steaks.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Good old-fashioned misogyny.
The Evidence:

"Lily Allen is horrifically unattractive, so I guess she really had no other choice. Ugly girls have to compete with hot chicks somehow. Unless Lily Allen can give blowjobs with her mind, getting drunk and ripping off her clothes seems like a pretty reasonable option."

First: "Ugly" girls do not have to "compete" with "hot chicks." A woman's world does not revolve around whether men find her attractive. Unfortunately, the gossip blogging culture is making its money off of the idea that a woman's worth is in her looks. If you're not a "hot chick" you must be worthless, even though you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and a brain and talents. Gah.
The Sentence: Acute glaucoma that leads to blindness.

Three readers pressed charges against the following:

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mocking a baby.
The Evidence:

"How Do We Say This Delicately? Adam Sandler revealed to Jay Leno last night that he and his wife are expecting another baby. Uhmmmm…. Let's hope this kid isn't as ugly as Sandler's other child, Sadie, age 2. Yeah, there, we said it! Perez looks in the mirror a lot. He knows ugly when he sees it and that kid is ugly. And fat too!"

Hear that, two-year-olds? Nevermind that you're developing and growing and need all your nutrients so that you can someday have adult-sized teeth and a fully-functioning brain. You need to diet!
The Sentence: 60 days wearing a poop-filled baby diaper. Or something like that. Any suggestions?

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Icky sexualization of mammaries.
The Evidence: "Xtina's Rack — What a Boy Wants. They're real (allegedly) and they're spectacular!" See, here's the thing. Sure, breasts are sexualized in certain cultures, but Christina Aguilera: 1. Has implants and 2. Is a new mother who may still be breastfeeding. So it's supposedly funny to write "What a boy wants" cuz like, she had that song, "What A Girl Wants," but actually most men don't "want" milk-filled silicone jugs, do they? Unless by "boy" you mean "child under 2."
The Sentence: Watch the video for "Fighter" 250 times and write a 1000 word essay on these lyrics: "It makes me that much stronger/Makes me work a little bit harder/It makes me that much wiser/So thanks for making me a fighter/Made me learn a little bit faster/Made my skin a little bit thicker/Makes me that much smarter/So thanks for making me a fighter."

The Accused, via reader submission: The Superficial
The Crime: A vile commenter who dreams of homicide.
The Evidence: On topless photos of Lily Allen, Andy writes: "If I were stranded in the Artic[sic] in the dead of winter, I'd slice open that huge belly and crawl inside to keep warm and survive the night. Otherwise I wouldn't touch this disgusting fat pig." Lily Allen is many things, but she is not a tauntaun. Says our reader,"Although there have been some egregious things said in regard to females, their sexuality and their very being, this by far was the most appalling comment I have ever read." Agreed. And thanks for the e-mail.
The Sentence: A one-way ticket to the Arctic to be mauled by a polar bear and experience frostbite.

The Accused, via reader submission: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com
The Crime: Rape jokes, a gossip-blog favorite.
The Evidence: "Trannycat Doll lead singer(?), Nicole Scherzinger, has taken the first step in dispelling all the rumors that everyone in this group has cocks by getting out of a car at Villa in Hollywood. Despite what my ex-girlfriend tells you, I've seen a lot of vaginas up close, so I'm comfortable saying this chick has one. I guess this is good news. She also looks like Pocahontas, so if you're thinking about raping her, you can say it was just for a history project." How many times to I have to type this? RAPE JOKES. NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
The Sentence: 5,000 word essay on the book "Exterminate Them": Written Accounts of the Murder, Rape, and Slavery of Native Americans During the California Gold Rush, 1848-1868.

That's it for the accused today. We don't have very many because they are usually culled by our own Maria-Mercedes Lara, and she's been out this week. Why? Because she graduated from Eugene Lang, the Liberal Arts College of The New School University, TODAY! She was a double major in both literature and writing. Congrats, Maria!

And if ever any of you see a Crime Against Womanity, don't hesitate to send the link and a short description to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Reducing women to body parts; comparing and contrasting those parts.
The Evidence: "Jammed into the public eye, female celebs are forced to grow, shrink and generally just change shape right in front of our eyes." It's a gallery of breast and cleavage images. So it's not about a woman as a whole, as a thinking and feeling human, huh. It's how well her tits are holding up. Is it any wonder women actually believe that cosmetic surgery is a necessary step toward self-esteem? That cutting yourself open and inserting silicone will make you feel better? Oh! And AOL owns TMZ, don't forget.
The Sentence: A 100-page essay on the Venus of Willendorf.

Reader-Submitted Accusation: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mocking of weight.
The Evidence: "Unless we need to get our eyes checked, it totally looks like Kirstie Alley got fat again! It's a good thing she's no longer hawking Jenny Craig! Here is Alley flying out of LAX this past weekend. She probably needs to book two seats just for her these days." Reader Jen says: "I think it's pretty mean to bash celebrities over their weight, and I'm sure she knows she's not a skinny person and doesn't need the world poking fun at her. She is still an incredibly funny, beautiful (I'd kill for her hair), intelligent woman, and her weight is not all that defines her. How about sticking to gossip that doesn't always bash people's personal appearances; everyone gains and loses weight, but it doesn't change who they are, just the number on the scale." Well said!
The Sentence: A 100-page essay on Rubens

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a fit woman.
The Evidence: "Well, this is an odd pairing: Pink with Bai Ling. Here they are both in their bikinis kayaking in Malibu, and guess what? I'm not turned on in the least. It's one lesbian fantasy that just doesn't work. I know I said earlier that I dig Bai Ling but that was in transfer of money kind of way, and Pink I definitely can't get it up for. The thought of both our rock hard bodies pressed against each other just made me wish I never even wrote that." Women are mocked for being too fat and for being too fit? As if Pink gives a shit about your erection. Just like her song, it's just you and your hand tonight, buddy.
The Sentence: A drop-kick and a paddle across the face from Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight.
The Evidence: The story is titled "Mimi's Wedding Pictures Coming Soon" and the image is a cow wearing a veil and holding a bouquet. Hilarious, right? The woman who writes her own songs and has had more hit singles than Elvis is a bovine, a heifer, a hooved farm animal. Yeah, I don't love MC but that is not funny.
The Sentence: Thou shalt be force-fed a cow pie covered in Hello Kitty sprinkles.

Special Drunken Stepfather Section:
So Guanabee conducted an interview with "Jesus Martinez" of Drunken Stepfather. Martinez says: "I was inspired to start the site because I was pissed off, knew I couldn't get a job working in any industry and figured I'd do it on my own. It wasn't a business and still isn't a business, it was just a place to take out my frustration kinda like my virtual punching bag. I am not and never was interested in celebrities. I guess I started my attack on them because they are the idols of popculture and I knew they were full of shit. I guess it was a combo of liking naked chicks and seeing these celebs not at their best or slippin' up on their contrived bullshit images that gave me enough content to continue tellin' my stories and spreading my irreverent word to about 5 people."

It's this ire that leads him to write things like this:

"So it's Lily Allen's birthday and she's wearing some kind of see through dress when she should really be wearing some kind of Mascot Costume because at least that way bitch would look cute. I can only assume that she forgot to wear a bra because she's so distraught that her baby will never see it's first birthday because it's living in a pair of bloody panties she just can't seem to bring herself to throw out. I guess that's the harsh reality of smoking and drinking' while knocked up and a miscarriage is just the small price you have to pay for being an irresponsible joke of an expecting mother.

Either way, here are her nipples that her baby will never get to suckle on for food, because her baby never made it out of her rotten vagina and I'd like to think that he's not the first one to feel the negative effect of her lady parts. In reality, I think every dude who's ever fucked her can relate to that miscarriage because as soon as they were done with her and looked into her face and realized what they did, they wanted to die too. "

"That's a tough call because I am the kind of guy who does take life a little too seriously at times and gets frustrated or pissed off at the world, but I wouldn't consider myself an angry or hateful person. I think I mock the norms of what is considered acceptable and say things that I think other people are thinking but are too pussy to say, but I am not an activist or really passionate about my ideals and in reality - pretty inconsistent.

I don't hate any gender, any race, any religion, any mindset other than people who choose to live the conventional suburban middle-class risk-free life. I can't grasp that shit and just see people who have given up on their dreams and passions for social acceptance.

I have Black, White, Jewish, Asian friends. I have devout Christian friends and Muslim friends. I have met all kinds of people and I would never say I hate people but I would say I hate how society represents people. And that's what I write."

Girl-on-girl crime has reached a shocking high, as 25% of high school girls have reported being in a fight in the past year, according to a CDC survey. (CNN reporters, searching for the term "girl fight" on YouTube — got thousands of results.) And the Florida teens are not alone in the current news on young females engaging in fisticuffs: In Pennsylvania, a 10-year-old girl and an 11-year-old girl beat another 10-year-old girl so severely on a playground the night of April 3, that the victim has a shattered hip. The lawyers for the perpetrators are attempting to get them tried as dependents instead of delinquents. (If the girls are determined to be delinquents, they could be put in juvy until they're 21.) According to an AP report, the girls' lawyers are arguing that they're "too emotionally immature to understand the criminal charges against them." The victim, however, understands that she is still in the hospital and may need a hip replacement, simply because she was trying to defend her little sister from bullies.

Suspects In Video Beating Could Get Life In Prison [CNN]
Attorney: Girl Too Young For Attack Case [AP via Breitbart]

Earlier: The Meanest Girls At School Are Often The Most Popular

But what about Buffy? You may ask (I definitely ask!) Hari answers:

The few strong women in Hollywood movies and TV are safely located in an unreal world: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xena: Warrior Princess. The closest to an unapologetic feminist is Lisa Simpson - and she is eight years old, and a cartoon. This isn't because Hollywood is especially sexist. Hollywood largely gives us what we want - and we don't want to idolize strong, powerful women today.

Hari notes that today, a majority of college graduates are female. We have a woman running for president. We live in a time where women are in business, in government, in outer space. Why aren't they in entertainment?

Johann Hari: Where Have All The Strong Women Gone? [Independent]

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Disrespecting the Queen of Soul.
The Evidence: "Aretha Franklin better unlock the bra, because someone is in dire need of a titty slapping! ... Aretha won't be homeless, but if she needs dough I have a suggestion. Motorboat videos! Aretha's gigantic chichizillas were made for boob sexing." Honestly, words cannot convey accurate feelings about this, so I'm reduced to using an emoticon.
: (
The Sentence: A day spent shopping for a comfortable, supportive, attractive, full-figured bra. So fucking hard to find!

The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Monitoring a pregnant woman's weight gain ounce by ounce.
The Evidence: "Contrary to what I said in my last Jessica Alba post, she does now seem to be gaining weight all over." Well, she is feeding a parasitic human. What do you expect?
Additional Crime: Alluding to the fact that Lauren Conrad may be heavy.
The Evidence: I've gotten a few emails from people saying that Lauren Conrad is piling on the weight. ...She does look a little heavier since the last time we saw her..."
Combined Sentence: A vacation. Seriously. If she thinks that pregnant is fat and LC is fat, Rian needs to step away from the celeb pix and dig her toes into the sand. As do we all.

The Accused: Yeeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's incredibly normal and oh-so-fine and really almost transparent body hair.
The Evidence: "Well, my early childhood mind always imagined that poor bare Fuzzy Wuzzy looked a lot like [Celine Dion] from the knee up. Mostly skin from far away, but up close, covered in an almost transparent downy fuzz, like an old man's ear canal or a fetus left in utero too long. Unfortunately, [Celine] finished gestating close to 40 years ago, so chances are she just forgot to shave above the knee for the last two or seven months." Listen, it's not normal for women to be completely hairless. Also, this is clearly a case of odd lighting. But! In any case! Who shaves above the knee???
The Sentence: Being repeatedly nicked by a razor while slathered in sting-inducing antibacterial soap.

The Accused: Yeeeah, a second charge!
The Crime: Equating pregant with fat; comparing an impregnated teenager to Jabba The Hutt.
The Evidence: "It's nice to see that Jamie Lynn Spears has finally chinned up. All three of them. When asked for comment, she said, "Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage!" Perhaps multiple chins are the true source of Jedi mind trick immunity."
The Sentence: A big heaping serving of placenta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for the next nine months.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do
The Crime: Suggesting that creamy-skinned Liv Tyler is pasty and obese.
The Evidence: "Liv Tyler was in the Caribbean last week, possibly because she heard there was an island where pale fatties with hilariously small heads were revered as gods. Now she's all set." Liv Tyler is not fat and her skin is gorgeous. End of story.
The Sentence: Talk shit about someone clearly enjoying their vacation and you know what you get? Sunburn and diarrhea.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Baiting us. He knows what's wrong and offensive, what will really set us off, so now that's exactly what he writes. Plus he's trying to be my friend on Facebook now. Lots of you guys suggest we ignore him, but here's the thing: You may not even realize how much women get bashed, criticized and judged on the Web. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. A reminder — of how unfair, tired, shallow and systemically denigrating people can be is important. Why should we let him get away with being sexist and misogynistic without calling him out on it? Anyway.
The Evidence: "I am guilty of liking skinny chicks and appreciate any means a girl takes to get herself skinny. I am talking eating disorders, drug addiction, laxatives, extreme cardio, terminal illness, pretty much anything the world offers them to maintain their skinny bodies, because it takes some commitment, determination and it's a lot better seeing a girl frail from starving herself, than watching a girl sit on her fat ass eating donuts. Maybe I'm crazy."
The Sentence: We're still open to suggestions on this one. Thanks in advance.

The Accused: Rian of The Skinny. Sigh.
The Crime: Scrutinizing the midsection of beleaguered, 21-year-old freshly sober Lindsay Lohan. The Evidence: "Lindsay Lohan Has A Tummy Bump. Food? Baby bump? Bloat? Weight gain?" Muses Rian. Do people really not have any idea what a woman's body is supposed to look like? Ever seen the Venus of Willendorf, a painting by Rubens, or like, the birth of Venus? Or Venus and the Lute player? It's not natural for a woman's abdomen to be totally flat. She can sculpt it into submission with crunches, and it can still stick out a little. There are vital organs in there. This is the way we are made. Learn to love it and quit nitpicking. I feel like crying. The Sentence: Rian needs to write a detailed letter to LL, apologizing, even if she never mails it. And then: Forgive herself. Plus: Sessions with a therapist specializing in body dysmorphia.

The Accused: The dude behind What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Belittling a woman because she's not, in his opinion, physically or aesthetically pleasing. The Evidence: "I looked it up, and if you masturbate to a picture of [Cynthia Nixon's partner] Christine Marinoni, it counts as Sexual Misconduct in 41 states. In fact In Texas, they'll shoot you. And rightfully so. Pervert." Hey, guy, listen. A female's worth cannot be judged by her face or body. Cynthia loves this woman. Does someone love you? Do you love yourself?
Additional Crime: Mocking of Nicky Hilton's legs, weight, wishing harm upon her. The Evidence: "I'm glad to see she's supper skinny. Hopefully she has an eating disorder." The Sentence: This gentleman ought to be forced to spend a few nights in a male sexual offender's prison cell; then spend the day in the intensive care unit of a hospital cleaning the bedpans and monitoring the IVs of anorexic patients.

The Accused: A Socialite's Life
The Crime: Believing that good looks triumph over all. The Evidence: "She explained why she was experiencing trepidation about bringing a girl into this world, 'I think women suffer more a bit more than boys, and there is always conflict between mother and daughters.' However, Salma went on to say that couldn't happier that her daughter is in her life adding, "And I can't imagine there ever being conflict between us, because I'm in a state of innocence where I love everything she does.' Also, if her daughter ends up looking anything like her mother, I have a feeling she'll be able to bypass at least some of that suffering." Because if you are a pretty woman than there are no obstacles! Being beautiful is the ultimate aspiration for women. So twisted. The Sentence: A month without vision, learning to judge people by their words and actions, not their faces.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Assuming, as many of these bloggers are wont to do, that pregnant and fat are the same. The Evidence: "Wow...Jamie Lynn [Spears] is looking so....mature. Or maybe it's just her bloated face!" Gestating a human requires adding more than a few pounds, people. Educate yourselves. The Sentence: Some sort of intestinal parasite that causes discomfort and weight gain.

The Accused: The demented little boy known as Drunken Stepfather.
The Crime: Insulting, misogynous remarks about Kim Kardashian, and, of course, her posterior. The Evidence: "She doesn't have cellulite because her fat is so compacted that the skin looks smooth, when really it's just tryin' to hold it all in there without exploding all over the place. Most fat chicks swim in their t-shirts, but this bitch seems to think it's ok to wear a bikini. She also thinks it's ok to pose for Playboy. What bitch needs to do is spend some time with her boyfriend's personal pro-athlete trainer, not more time thinkin' her body is good enough to flaunt, even though I'm still checkin' it out, but I am a easy to please." Well. We all know that Kim Kardashian is not fat. We all know that DS is trying to incite controversy, or outrage, or attention, or all of the above. But it's still not right to type these words about any woman. The Sentence: I don't even know anymore. Suggestions?

(If we banished the Best Actress category, and just had "Best Acting Performance," would women ever get Oscars?)

Continues Churchwell:

Women do badly in awards in which attractiveness doesn't count, which is why they are so under-represented among producers, directors, and Nobel laureates. By the same token (pun intended), beautiful women on display are used to sell everything in our culture, and the Oscars are no exception.

And The Best Frock Is... [Guardian]

Earlier: Diablo Cody: A Flash Of Leg, A Tear And An Oscar

The Accused: Rian at The Skinny, who must be feeling some post-holiday self-loathing. The Crime: Implying that Laetitia Casta is not thin.
The Evidence: "Some former supermodels stay extremely thin (like Janice Dickinson, for example) and some just kind of let it all go... I think Laetitia kind of stays somewhere in the middle." There is some serious body dysmorphia going on here. Keeping in mind that the camera adds ten pounds, Laetitia Casta appears to be a size two. Since when is that "somewhere in the middle"??? The Sentence: Rian clearly needs some affirmations to recite. And maybe a therapy sesh. Many docs have sliding scale fees, sweetie!

The Accused: The Superficial. The Crime: Calling Pink a man. The Evidence: "Pink and Carey Hart will continue boning random strangers but now without their wedding rings on. While some might say Pink will technically be boned and not do said boning, I stand by my statement. Feel free to do the math and check your work with the Answer Key at the bottom. Answer Key: X = Pink has a penis." Eyeroll. Such a cheap shot, such a 5th grade joke. The Sentence: A swift kick in the nuts. (From Pink.)

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather, whom we know loves us. The Crime: Calling 21-year-old recovering addict Ms. Lindsay Lohan a whore. The Evidence: "I know having a sheet between you and lohan[sic] seems pretty shitty in pictures because it's blocking out her pussy, but if this was real life that sheet is a necessity but preferably in latex because skin to skin contact with this whore has some serious repercussions." Please, dude. Like you wouldn't reach out and touch LL, or any living breathing woman — if you could only get close enough to one. The Sentence: A painful case of the clap, just for fun. Kisses!

The Accused: The unfortunately monikered Yeeeah! The Crime: Mocking Kirstie Alley's weight struggles. The Evidence: "After working for Jenny Craig for the last three years, actress Kirstie Alley is "stepping down" as the spokesperson for the weight loss company. Translation: her fat ass got fired... She's also grateful for KFC's big box variety meal and Sam's Club bucket o' bread pudding. And those Fresh Bath-Bathing Wipes for those days you're too fat to bend over in the shower." Newsflash: Crass≠Funny. The Sentence: Carry around an extra 75 lbs. of bodyweight for 30 days while simultaneously going without hot water for 30 days. Enjoy!

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna. The Crime: Suggesting petite actress Natalie Portman needs breast implants. The Evidence: "Natalie, on the other hand, still has some work to do. Surgical work that is. Yes, she's flat and I know it's not politically correct to talk to about a girl's shortcomings, but if she's not going to make an effort to show off what she does have - that being her ass - then just stay home!" So! Women have two choices: Get elective, dangerous, possibly life threatening surgery or stay home. What a wonderful world. The Sentence: An excruciating dental procedure sans anesthetic, while being forced to watch Natalie's shitty movie Where The Heart Is. Open wide!

Ms. Min explains: "Women don't want to read about men unless it's through another woman: a marriage, a baby, a breakup." She's just giving the people what they want! Though some say that the stars who court attention get it; whereas celebs who demand privacy are granted discretion, the fact remains that as a woman in Hollywood, your life is ripe for plundering by gossip blogs and tabloids. As anyone who reads Midweek Madness knows, the tabloid covers are revolving doors of predominantly female faces. And sometimes the only "news" is that (gasp!) some women have cellulite. Meanwhile, if you're a man in Tinseltown, you're having a great year, thanks to films like No Country for Old Men, Michael Clayton and There Will Be Blood, reports Telegraph. Though past Oscar seasons have brought us The Queen, Erin Brockovich, Chicago, Monster and The Hours, women are mostly sidelined this year. Why do we mock women for their trainwreck lives and laud men for their talent while shrugging off their indiscretions?

Boys Will Be Boys, Girls Will Be Hounded by the Media [New York Times]
Why Is Hollywood Going For Bloke? [Telegraph]
Earlier: Are Women With "Issues" Treated As Sensitively As Men?

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Mocking Britney's nethers. The Evidence: "Britney Spears flashed her nasty ass crotch the same day she was released from UCLA Medical Center." Points For Good Behavior: None. Just cuz everybody does it doesn't make it right. She's touched, OK? And at least she was wearing underwear! The Sentence: "Unmentionables" detail in a women's prison laundry center.

The Accused: Yeeeah! The Crime: Mocking a woman's big feet.
The Evidence: "Today's mystery celebrity boasts a size 11 1/2 shoe. And boy, what a shoe. It's the kind of shoe that ought to be flung from the foot of a post-op tranny in a fringed satin mini-dress and rhinestone eyelashes doing a high kick as he belts out the chorus to 'I Will Survive.' But mostly, it should be on the foot of someone born with balls." Points For Good Behavior: Yeah, it was Paris Hilton, but a woman should not be judged by her massive hooves. We try not to assume that men with small feet have small dicks, so lay off. And some people like a chick with giant clodhoppers. Anyway. The Sentence: Being roundhouse-kicked in the face by Paris and some big-footed babes for about six hours.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way. The Crime: Making fun of a woman's pubic hair. The Evidence: "'Scandal' must translate into something different in Mandarin, because the only thing that's shocking to me is the horror that's going on in between this chick's legs. She's 27, so if my calculations are right, they stopped selling razors or wax in China sometime around 1997. Either that or she's giving birth to a Panda. And although that might be good news to the Panda population in the area, I'm struggling to understand how they expect me to masturbate to this." Points for Good Behavior: None. The Sentence: This person should be force-fed a heaping bowl of pubes.

The Accused: That dude from WWTDD? who has a crush on Brad Pitt or something. The Crime: Is thinking like a 15 year old illegal? The Evidence: "And according to my calculations, Marisa Millers [sic] vagina smells like strawberries. My research prompted some drawings I made that back this up. Also they show that her vagina is serviced every day by cartoon bluebirds and there's a rainbow and a smiling sun looking down and giving a thumbs up, as if to say, 'lookin' good Marisa!'" Points For Good Behavior: Well, it is supposed to be a compliment. The Sentence: The problem here is that this guy equates thinness and beauty with food and Disney brainwashing. He needs to be sent to his room and forced to read Our Bodies, Ourselves. And grow up.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna. The Crime: Confusing the hell out of us, calling Alyssa Milano hirsute. The Evidence: "Alyssa is saving marriages everywhere, allowing us to be selfish bastards but making our significant others think we're considerate - and she looks pretty f%#king hot while doing it. She's the kind of girl who understand guys, maybe it's cuz she's as hairy as one." Um, what? Points For Good Behavior: None. The Sentence: Getting your ass kicked by Tony Danza, while he repeatedly shouts, "Who's the boss??"

Related: The V-Day Event Of The Decade [VDay]
Earlier: Why Is The Word Cunt Still Such A Big Deal?

The site, which purports to be a matchmaking service between men on the outside and women in prison, bills itself thusly: "Imagine having a wife who is always glad to see you, never cheats or stays out all night, and who rocks your ever-loving world twice a month with a pent-up vengeance you haven't felt since college." And though the site is probably a joke, the sentiment it communicates isn't: It's all about kicking a woman when she's down. Prisoners may have a committed crimes, but when a family is destroyed, don't we all suffer? Maybe the image of a shackled, busty inmate who has "the perfect amount of freedoms and rights" is hilarious to someone, but around here it's what we call a Missdemeanor.

Women prisoners need life support [Guardian]
Conjugal Harmony Website [The News Leak]
ConjugalHarmony.com

The Charge: Spewing Endless Amounts of Bullshit
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira from Perez Hilton
The Evidence: Basically every post he's written about Britney Spears in the last fucking year, including this one, in which he has scrawled "INSERT" between Britney's legs.
Points For Good Behavior: None. I am so fucking fed up with Perez's "concerned for the children" routine. Like he gives a fuck about Tater Tot and Small Fry! Like he gives a shit about children anywhere. Obviously Britney is a fuck-up and a less-than-awesome mom. But Perez loves and eats up her downfall, no matter the cost to her children. If I have to read one more iota of pseudo concern for Sean Preston and Jayden James, I am going to stab myself in the eyes.
The Sentence: I don't know, I just want him to rot.


YAY! Now for the real winners this week: our usually offensive, piece of shit bloggers who actually broke out the funny and shut out the cruelty.

The Funny: Coining the nickname "Tommy Girl" and other hilarities about the farce that is TomKat.
The Winner: My future gay best friend forever (call me!) Michael K at DListed.
The Hilarity: "Awwww...poor Katie. Somebody really needs to sit her down, pour her a cup of Chamomile and gently break the news to her that babies don't come from storks. She's probably sitting by the window every single day waiting for her delivery. I mean that's where Tommy Girl said Suri came from, so what's Katie supposed to think?"
The Prize: An invitation to a Jezebel Cuddle Party.


The Funny: Finding something interesting to say about Fergie and John Duhamel
The Winner: Still-a-loser-but-atleast-he-has-one-redeeming-moment-in-his-life Todd at I Don't Like You In That Way.
The Hilarity: "Josh Duhamel is on a Mexican beach painting. Seriously, he has an easel. Painting. Maybe next time he can sit under a parasol and wear a silk scarf. Which would be about 100 times better than what Fergie is wearing. Apparently she went to Mexico to read people's fortunes. Is she some sort of gypsy? If so, will I get that big promotion? Oh Fergie, please do tell what the stars have foretold!"
The Prize: Duh, our stamp of approval for once.


The Funny: Totally calling out Milo Ventimiglia for his weird stroke face, which has bugged us since episode one of Heroes
The Winner: Surprisingly-docile Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Hilarity: "[Milo Ventimiglia] talks out of the side of his mouth like he had a stroke. It's wildly irritating. I feel like he's trying to tell me something in code, like he's trying to whisper that someone is behind me, so an episode of "Heroes" is nothing but 60 minutes of me turning around again and again and saying, "what, where?""
The Prize: That was so funny, we might be willing to kiss him, should he ever get the privilege of sharing the same breathing space as us.