In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

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The Naked Fat Girl Extravaganza Glamour promised after the huge response to showing plus-size model Lizzie Miller's belly in the September issue is finally here, and it's nothing short of a "revolution" (according to Glamour).

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In her Editor's Note, Cindi Leive repeats the declaration she made when the photo was unveiled on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

As Kate Harding wrote earlier, "it's a good effort... But let's not kid ourselves - this isn't a revolution. Yet." Seeing seven models with average-sized bodies (deemed "plus-size" by the industry) along with an article on why that's such a rarity and Glamour's promise to change that is great. However, using the hyperbolic term "revolution" only draws attention to what hasn't changed. Rather than a full length fashion spread, all the models are crammed together into one shot. They're also naked, which solves the problem of finding 7 designer ensembles bigger than a size 4.


Though Glamour has used plus-size models without comment in the past, the "revolution" hasn't really spread to the rest of the magazine. The only larger lady not on pages 198-199 is a non-model learning to make her "hot self look sleeker, curvier, whatever-er" in a Spanx body suit. (Thankfully no one had to model the shapewear thong.)



As Ms. Leive mentions, the model featured in the issue's one fashion spread that ran immediately before the plus-size model article is quite Twiggy-esque.


Of course, no one is angling to have thin models banned from magazines in lieu of larger ones, but aside from the liberal use of inflatable monkeys, the story didn't scream "revolution."


The rest of the magazine features the usual articles on the products every woman must buy to ward off wrinkles, in addition to answers to readers' questions on acceptable sexual behaviors ( "Should you pee with the door open when he's home?" and "Is it ever OK to sleep with your ex?"). Larger models are not featured in any of the posed pictures accompanying the beauty, health, and sex articles, because apparently Glamour can't find the requisite plus-size long johns, bras, and pink boxing gloves.


Let's face it. At any size, we ladies need magazines to guide us through the day-to-day problems we face. Like whether or not to date vampires.


And as always, the cover was chock full of lies.

Earlier: Coming This Fall: More Naked Fat Ladies In Glamour
Glamour's Plus-Size MOdel Photo Unveiled on Ellen
Naked Fat Girls On Ellen! Sort Of!

Like just about every Megan Fox interview, her comments veer from annoying to awesome... sometimes in the same paragraph. We're tired of hearing about how she's "completely, hysterically insecure" about her appearance and hates people looking at her (well, that goes for all starlets). But then she admits to Cosmo that she lies in interviews because she's bored. Whether quotes like, "male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a shit. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own" are true or not, they're certainly entertaining. Sadly, the rest of the magazine doesn't promote Megan's view of female power. In the article "Why He Calls You a Nag When You're Not," writer Matt Titus informs us that, "No matter how much we love you, we're only capable of listening to about 20 percent of what you have to say." According to his armchair psychoanalysis:

"In guys' minds we already did everything a woman (i.e. Mom) asked for 18 years, and it almost killed us. But now that we are, ahem, all grown up, we don't want to be told what to do. If we do everything our girlfriends and wives say, we will actually lose our manly status and turn into children again. Yes, we really think that."

Titus offers a tip for ladies who want to get their man to do what they want without nagging: simply walk out of the room when he's doing something that bothers you. In Cosmo's world playing games is always preferable to having a civilized conversation or treating guys like fellow human beings. But, that goes both ways. Our favorite sex tip from this issue involves your boyfriend treating you like a piece of meat... literally:

Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral. Since you'll feel totally like his sex toy, you can add to the arousal of being restrained by begging him to "release" you and let you orgasm."

What could be hotter than having sex while hanging from a meat hook? Oh right, using your dirty thong as a hair tie.

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Earlier: Cosmo: Wear Your Dirty Panties Around Your Ponytail

The first thing we thought when we saw Vanessa Hudgens on the cover was "her?" which, as it turns out, is appropriate, because the only entertaining part of the magazine was a brief interview with Alia Shawkat about Whip It, her first major role since Arrested Development (Fig. 1). Plus, at this point in her career, Hudgens may be wishing she was a "never nude." The High School Musical star is now 20, which means it's time for her to reject her squeaky-clean Disney image and transition into adult roles. Usually this is accomplished with a few women's magazine covers and maybe a racy Maxim shoot, but Hudgens has already been involved in a nude photo scandal. Thus, throughout her Allure interview Hudgens references various Disney princess movies and emphasizes that she's still sweet and "naive."

The rest of the magazine seems to feature even more ads than usual, but that's probably because the article on scientific beauty breakthroughs sounds like it was copied off the back of a shampoo bottle. As usual, to make sure those jars of anti-aging creams and gels (which Allure's own editor admits are pretty useless) really fly off the shelves, the magazine resorts to scare tactics. This month's aging horror story concerns identical twins who "look years apart." Though it looks like one twin was photographed in bad lighting, in most cases the magazine claims one twin's face looks worse than her sister's because she's overweight. While Catherine Deneuve is quoted as saying "after a certain age, a woman needs to choose between her face and her behind," the article explains that:

For women under 40 the effect turns out to be just the opposite: Extra pounds can obscure youthful features like a smooth jawline and cause facial features to sag.

By that logic, wouldn't the best anti-aging strategy be to stay slim until you hit 40 then start packing on the pounds? We're not sure why Allure's editors seem to think there's some scenario in which our faces aren't going to age in the next 60 years (or why that's so terrible). Another mystery: How did Allure find the sets of twins for this story? Who would call up their twin sister and say, "I know we're the exact same age, but I think you look much older than me. Want to be photographed for Allure?"

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Fig. 1

Earlier: Allure Editor Defends Pushing Beauty Products That Don't Work

This month's Allure is filled with tips we'd figured out before we were allowed to wear makeup, such as how to wear a headband, tie a scarf, and kiss people on the cheek. In other obvious news, the mag interviews some of Michael Jackson's doctors - along with anonymous sources and medical experts who never treated him - to create a timeline of his changing face that looked pretty similar to those printed in most other magazines right after he died. The feature was heavily promoted in the media, including on the Today show and in The New York Times, but the article just reaffirms what we've always known: dude had a lot of plastic surgery. The mag reports more information you've heard a million times in the article "Mom Was Right," which examines beauty tips such as "don't bite your nails," "sit like a lady," and "get your hair out of your face," and declares that you really should have been listening to your mother for all those years. So if it's true that "if you keep making that face it'll freeze that way," is reading Allure every month going to make our faces get stuck in a permanent eye roll?

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Earlier: Allure: Michael Jackson Did Not Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Breaking: Michael's Face Changed Over The Years

Vogue's annual Age Issue is plastered with large print affirmations about beauty coming from within, including a strange full-page declaration that includes the following statement:

Style isn't imposed on us by the Establishment it's a daily affirmation of, well, our joie de vivre. We are each a painted butterfly, with a different pattern on our wings. The concept that adornment can—like capoeira-yoga classes or a devotion to esoteric whole grains—engender well-being is especially good news for anyone older than, say, oh, 29. It's never been more true that you are only as old as you feel. ...

The small print tells a different story! A beauty feature about four women who began obsessing about signs of aging in their 20s and 30s concludes with one woman pestering her doctor about age spots only she can see. The doctor asks, "Are you insane?" "No Limits," the issue's big fashion spread, is similarly maddening. It's ostensibly about how "fall's best looks cross generational lines," but there's no attempt made in the following pages to show the mixing of old and new styles, or how anyone over 25 could pull them off.

We've already taken a look back at some of Christy Turlington's work in honor of her appearance on this month's cover, but some comments in the accompanying profile about her younger days in modeling were troubling. First, Christy reveals that by working almost exclusively for Vogue by the time she was 16,

"I skipped that self-critical place that's dangerous for any teenager. I kind of figured, if Vogue thinks I look OK, I probably look OK. Working with Arthur Elgort, Patrick Demarchelier, Steven Meisel, I felt pretty confident in my day-to-day life."

She's right — working with Patrick Demarchelier is a great cure for teenage self-doubt (but what if the magazine doesn't think you look OK?). Later, celebrity hairstylist Oribe notes,

"There hasn't been another one like her, and she's smarter than a whip—there are so many gorgeous women that are not smart or witty and kind. She was this superclassy thing that was bigger than life, and a virgin."

Clearly Vogue's editors prize a youthful look, but we hadn't realized a model's sexual status influences how good she looks in couture.

Earlier: An '80s-Tastic Christy Turlington Retrospective

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