Looking at a whole bunch of old Cover Lies is a great way to remind yourself that ladymags just recycle the same old weight-loss, man-snagging, and faux-self-improvement tropes again and again and again. In February Cosmo, for instance, we saw the Simple Way To Revolutionize Your Life. Yes, ladies, it's breathing. Millions of women have died because they ignored this basic tip.

Am I normal? Is he? You might not give a shit, but one important goal of ladymags is to make sure you and your genitals are conforming enough. So get out the measuring tape and appraise various aspects of your "down-there."

Of course, the Weight Loss Tip is also an essential part of the woman's magazine anatomy. These tips fall into two categories: Totally Insane, and So Basic That If It Worked Everyone Would Be Skinny. May Glamour offers the latter.

Like the Weight Loss Tip, the Sex Tip changes little from month to month. May Cosmo (May was an especially lie-alicious month) offered pull-out cards with tame sex fantasies — like going to a wedding in nice clothes — for those who can't even think up lame, cliched scenarios on their own.

Another tried-and-true ladymag trick is to promise scandal and deliver saccharine. May Vogue was full of models talking about how nice other models are — just like how every celebrity in Hollywood loves every other celebrity, every famous marriage is perfect, and every star stays thin by chasing after her kids.

It might seem like it's easy just to churn out monthly variations on tired themes, but the staff at magazines actually have it rough: they have to take all the free shit advertisers send to them and somehow shoehorn it into what passes for an editorial feature. A frequent solution is the "20, 30, 40" method — age categories that are, as June Marie Claire makes clear, pretty much random.

Dividing women into age categories isn't just a way to sell cosmetics — it's a way to promote clothes too. August Vogue did this by putting the ancient, decrepit Christy Turlington on its cover, then filling its interior with teenage and twentysomething models supposedly showing off looks for older women. Also a Vogue standby: the terrifying cosmetic procedure. Here it's "Inner Eyelid Laser Incineration."

Elle is often especially good at featuring clothes that look good on no one. As a bonus, the September issue also offered some eyeshadow "tips from hos."

Related to the Completely Unflattering Outfit is the Completely Absurd Photo Shoot — and Vogue really excels in this department. In October, highlights included several combinations of things that shouldn't be combined: tennis and breakfast in bed, boxing and evening gowns, horses and hats.

Of course, the secret weapon of all ladymags is that they're completely depressing. Whether they're telling you that your man will leave you because you're too successful, or doling out confusing, contradictory sartorial advice, if you read enough of them you will not want to eat, have sex, go to work, or even get dressed. All you will be able to do is lie in bed and read magazines. Which is exactly their plan.

Anna Wintour has apparently tired of the "affordable" stuff she pretended to care about in 2009, and is back to her old tricks, sending Joan Juliet Buck on an excursion to an $800-a-night spa in Utah that Buck calls "a potent combination of comfort, sensual rewards, and privilege." Vogue even did a whole photo shoot in and around the spa, starring Daria Werbowy in climbing boots, and one has to wonder whether this little retreat — like Gwyneth Paltrow's recent getaway — was comped. To distract readers from such concerns, Vogue shows how hip it is by packing its January photo shoots with tousled young musicians. Indie rock: so cool! So now! Excuse us — we're off to buy some stocks.


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Falling into the "reformation" theme, is a profile on Britney Spears, which looks more like a publicity stunt intended to erase our memories of a bald, umbrella-toting pop star and push her new image of "doting mother". This mother, however, is wearing a ridiculous bright blue feather jacket while looking lost and sad on a playground. Speaking of returning to childhood, in "If you love him, fix him up" Rachael Combe explores the notion of proactively trying to change a significant other, concluding "to love someone is to harangue them". She argues that healthier habits are automatically formed in relationships because people are forced to give up their hazardous single ways. For those left satisfied with that information, there's information on how to drop a mere 1.5 pounds by eating only grapes for three weeks. Below, find what other suggestions the January Elle has for readers in 2010.

In the cover story, Portman addresses the recent tabloid stories that claim she made out with Penn behind a curtain at a party in L.A.:

He's obviously someone I'm friends with," she says. "I mean, not 'hey, wassup?' friends, but we were all on the [Cannes 2008] jury together — Alfonso [Cuaron] and Marjane [Satrapi] — and we had a really great time, and then ... It was one of those things where you're like 'Oh my God! I'm that person who's caught in this shitty rumor brigade.' You can't win. You don't say anything and everyone's like, 'It's true.' You say something and you're keeping the story alive. It's bad, bad news."

That sounds like a no, but who knows what secrets are hidden in those ellipses?

The rest of the profile emphasizes that Portman's a "good girl": she didn't go to high school parties, got drunk for the first time in college, and only tried pot when she was in her 20s. Those looking for something scandalous will have to settle for her comments on how she avoided becoming some director's muse even while working with Woody Allen, which could be interpreted as a dig at Scarlett Johansson:

"I have a problem with muse-ship," Portman says, curving into herself as if a little embarrassed. "I feel like througout history, it's been men vampiring on women's specialness. And why do that for someone?" Then she laughs, before adding: "Maybe it's fear of intimacy or something."

She's nobody's muse, but she is willing to dress up as Peter Pan if you ask nicely. (Fig. 1)

Elsewhere in the issue, Marie Claire "explores the darker side of having an affair with the guy in the corner office." The writer (who is married to her former boss) points out that several famous couples, including Barack and Michelle Obama, started out in office romances. There are several titillating (read: corny) stories about workplace hookups, like the lawyer dating her boss who would "slip into his office, sit on his lap, unbutton her shirt, and put his face between her breasts." However, the biggest consequences the women in the article face are being taken less seriously and choosing to find a new job when their office relationship got uncomfortable. None of the women experience the real "dark side," which ranges from getting fired by your ex-lover to causing a Lewinsky-esque national scandal.

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Fig. 1

Glamour's Stupids-worthy hints include not driving while reading the newspaper (or brushing your teeth), and not putting popcorn inside your vagina. According to the ever-obvious "dos and don'ts" section, you should also not expose your buttcheeks to public view. And woe betide the woman who tries to be "perfect" — she might end up falling down the stairs and breaking her daughter's leg, like Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. Using Brezinski's accident as a cautionary tale about "doing too much too soon" seems like a stretch, but if editors couldn't generalize individual women's experiences into prescriptive "tips for all women, ladymags wouldn't exist — and neither would Cover Lies.

In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

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In "No Way Out?" Rachael Combe explores the "scientifically, mathematically, and economically proven" notion that women are "kinda bummed out." She proposes several reasons for this, one of which is that we're all disappointed in the way the women's movement panned out. You see, now that women have more choices, "it has opened our eyes to new ways we might fail." Also, according to Combe, while women and men are logging in equal hours of housework, men actually enjoy it. Furthermore, now that we have this feminism-given right to complain, "misery has become a badge of honor" sending women in a downward spiral of unhappiness. Combe concludes that women can increase happiness by giving back to the community. While this is a noble notion, it seems kind of lost when the pages surrounding her article are inundated with all sorts of other "choices", namely expensive shit to buy, thin models, and gift suggestions that are unlikely to make anyone feel festive. For example, does your mom like to travel? Give her this super-useful, $50 leaning tower of Pisa replica. Does your friend like to eat food? How about a salad plate that looks like a lettuce leaf? Or a $2,730 pearl choker with gigantic strawberry charms? Below, the other "gifts" Elle is bestowing upon us this season.

If Jonathan Saunders's eight-benjamin tee (it has, like, colors) isn't quite twee enough for you, you can shell out just $70 for a wifebeater that says some bullshit about an "imposter chicken" who drives a bus. The same annoying hipster who enjoys this gift might like a class on pickling things in Brooklyn (can Vena Cava's designer Chuck Taylors be pickled? What about that wooden iPod dock by Vers?). Or perhaps a volunteer vacation — because nothing says "happy holidays" like forced WWOOFing. And for your "overstressed and undersexed" friend, why not a free checkup for adrenal fatigue — a vague and ill-defined condition best cured by the innovative treatment of getting enough sleep. Sadly not included in December Vogue is the much-needed pull-out greeting card: "Merry Christmas! I'm concerned about your glands!"

If your pal X'ortel needs advice on covering up those scales, she should look no further than Allure's "Starry Night" feature, which advocates tinted moisturizer on the cleavage and not one but two types of makeup on the legs. But where Allure truly shines is the social sphere — essential tips on activities most humanoids take for granted. Devoted followers will remember the immortal "How To Take A Shower," but the December issue expands on the seemingly-simple-activities theme by offering advice on how to talk to people. For instance, aspiring humans should try to relate current events back to fellow partygoers' lives. Allure's example: the Jaycee Dugard kidnapping. Charming! But X'ortel might not want to take her cue from alleged human Kirsten Dunst, whose insight after a recent cross-country road trip was, "wow, America is so poor." Celebrities, like aliens, want to seem down-to-earth, and Dunst is, as we say here, doin it rong.

We know Sarah Palin isn't the biggest fan of Vogue, but we think she'd do really well guest-editing her own issue. So we've worked up a sample cover in the style of our Cover Lies feature (in which we expose how little relationship ladymags, like Sarah Palin, have to reality). While the real Vogue bows to the recession with its $300 "Steal" of the Month, Palin could show us how to get a $150,000 wardrobe for free — and how to pick a $700/night hotel, complete with robe and slippers. In lieu of book reviews, she could offer up a bunch of snide remarks about Katie Couric — "the perky one" probably can't read anyway. And for balance, Palin could add some media elite contributors, like Trig-birther Andrew Sullivan and Rebecca Johnson. (Johnson works for the fake America but the real Vogue, and says all Palin wanted to talk about in her much-maligned interview was "drilling for oil" — but what else is there, anyway?) In fact, right after a Jeffrey Steingarten piece on moose-meat, Going Vogue should include a free sample of premium Alaska crude. We hear it gets rid of both wrinkles and endangered wildlife.

Fact Check: Palin's Book Goes Rogue On Some Facts [AP, via Yahoo News]
Palin's Katie Couric Myths [Daily Beast]
Palin's Ego Trip [Daily Beast]

You'd think Rihanna's first cover since her assault at the hands of Chris Brown or the First Lady would be big enough "gets" to warrant their own covers, but instead they're just two of five different versions of the December issue.



Each features one of Glamour's "Women of the Year" and, while we're thrilled to see them recognized in a women's magazine, looking at their covers just highlights what's wrong with Glamour's real "women of the year" — the ones they choose to promote during the other 11 months of the year. The magazine's previous 2009 cover girls were: Britney Spears, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Connelly, Katie Holmes, Miley Cyrus, Renee Zellweger, Sandra Bullock, Taylor Swift, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, and Scarlett Johansson. That makes December even more special, since it's the only month that features a non-entertainer, a woman over 50, or a woman of color.

When editor Cindi Leive pledged to include more plus-size models in Glamour last month, she also said the magazine would show, "A continued commitment to showing a wide range of body types — and, of course, racial diversity — in our pages..." To illustrate that the mag has always been committed to diversity, Leive said "we've put Queen Latifah on the cover twice." That's true, but she didn't mention that you have to go back two years to find a woman of color on the magazine's cover: Mariah Carey was on the November 2007 cover and Queen Latifah shared the September 2007 cover with Claire Danes and Mariska Hargitay. We'd like to take this month's covers as signs that the magazine will be making good on its promise to feature more women of color, but considering we needed a publicist to point out the plus-size model in this month's issue, we're skeptical.

As for the contents of the magazine, it seems once Michelle Obama agreed to be on the cover Glamour's editors had their own version of that frantic houseclean you do when your family visits for the holidays. The magazine is purged of most of the dirtier sex articles, since you can't have a line like "25 Naked Truths About Guys' Bodies" written next to the First Lady's head. Katie Couric, however, did manage to coax some (classy) dating advice out of Obama at the end of her interview about health care and vegetable gardens. Ms. Obama says:

Cute's good, but cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, Who are you as a person? That's the advice I would give to women: Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you're dating a man you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole.

That's advice we'd like to see repeated in every women's magazine, especially if it could reach women in a situation similar to Rihanna's. Though most of Rihanna's interview is about her career, she addresses the fall out from her abusive relationship with Chris Brown being made public saying:

Domestic violence is a big secret... It's one of the things we [women] will hide, because it's embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women , because I feel like I represent a voice that isn't heard. Now I can help speak for those women.

It's a little more meaty than most celebrity profiles, but unfortunately, Glamour ends by asking Rihanna about the really important question on everyone's mind: if she's already thinking about finding love again and having lots of babies.

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Earlier: Glamour's "Big" Issue: Plus-Size Models, Plus-Size Problems
Spot The Plus-Size Model In Glamour

In "The New Male Midlife Crisis," Lauren Ianotti describes several women who are dating what are often nauseatingly referred to as "kidults." These are the John Mayer-types who keep secret bachelor pads and refuse to marry, have kids, and become normal adults. Ianotti theorizes that behind every kidult is a successful woman—- men are no longer pressured into becoming providers because, these days, more women can take on that role. How do those women deal? Dana, the head of a major global cosmetics brand, thinks she is "just lucky" that her "type B" boyfriend sticks around and "puts up with [her] shit." (Because thanking your lucky stars will totally help your man's commitment issues!)

In "The Honeymoon from Hell," Liz Fischer describes how her four-month honeymoon with her new husband, David, went sour. The newlyweds started despising each other while backpacking across South America and hanging out with vagabonds who dislike the institution of marriage. David would do things like "condescendingly commend her vocabulary" and try to visit multiple sites in one day. (Um, what an asshole?) The couple took a break for weeks and finally rekindled their love in the absence of others. So, how does Fischer deal with the inevitable tension in her marriage these days? She looks to her honeymoon for answers, avoiding exposure to her husband for extended periods of time.

Below, a summary of other tips from this month's issue.

In the December issue, we learn all about what men are really thinking. Or rather, what Cosmo editors pretending to be guys think men are really thinking. The article "Guy Love Diaries" ostensibly features relationship journals from two real men, but we have a hard time believing "Paul, 29" used the term "BFF." Also, he writes:

"When girls get together at showers and bachelorette parties, they usually talk about boys and swap sex techniques. Sara always comes back with new sex tricks and great fellatio.

How could a man know that "wedding shower" is really code for "getting sex tips from Grandma and Aunt Janet?"

In both guys' diaries, they mention that they like it when women pig out in front of them, but stay skinny. Cosmo explains:

"Men fear they will marry a gorgeous girl, and then a couple of years later, she'll let herself go and put on 100 pounds. If you're not eating in front of him, he's nervous about what might happen when you let your guard down later on.

Josh Duhamel must have been terrified when Fergie had to gain 17 pounds for her role in Nine. Yet curiously, he didn't stop loving her! Fergie's secret?: "In Italy, Catholic boys are raised to believe that there are two types of women: the Madonna and the whore. And me? I'm both."

That may work for pop stars, but Cosmo advises you drop the whole "Madonna" thing in the bedroom. There's one dirty move guys "crave" and "you're gonna want to drop the magazine and do it on the spot." Thing is, it isn't actually a "move"; guys just "want to be wanted." Tips? Try sneaking up behind your boyfriend while he's on the phone and grabbing his penis, putting lotion on your nipples and dragging them across his chest, or taking his dick to "massage his tip all over your upper body — lips, cheeks, breasts — all while maintaining eye contact." That should give him a hint.

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After flipping to the "On The Cover" section of the table of contents, we encountered a cover line that seems to have lost its way: "Why you love guys who are bad for you...p 266." (It refers to an E. Jean column telling women to put on their stilettos and run—-not walk—-away from the losers they are dating). So, why didn't this make it? Was it an art-department coup resisting orders to make more room by Photoshopping more of Katie Holmes arms? Was Editor-in-Chief Roberta Myers all like, "We're not Cosmo, bitches," while angrily scrawling all over the mockup? Did Bigfoot abscond with it? Below, our honest take on the lines that actually made this month's cover.

From its bizarre combination of resort-wear and guerrilla gardening (hoeing in Donna Karan wedges seems like a great way to twist an ankle) to its gushy coverage of "wwoofing" (working without pay on an organic farm), November Vogue does a great job of portraying environmentalism as a fun hobby for rich people with time on their hands. Perhaps most egregious is Sally Singer's piece on hiring consultants to help make her apartment in the Chelsea Hotel more environmentally friendly. She laments that it's hard for her to save energy because "I receive no water, gas, or electricity bills." And her cleaning lady "cannot understand why her beloved long-handled dust mop must make way for a cut-up organic T-shirt on a bamboo stick." But somehow, Singer pushes through. After all, she says, "at yoga class, they tell you that if you breathe correctly, your virtue will be contagious and the world will begin to change" — and surely, if you write about your virtue in Vogue, other rich people will make their cleaning ladies scrub the floors with T-shirts too. Be the change you want to see!

The Naked Fat Girl Extravaganza Glamour promised after the huge response to showing plus-size model Lizzie Miller's belly in the September issue is finally here, and it's nothing short of a "revolution" (according to Glamour).

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In her Editor's Note, Cindi Leive repeats the declaration she made when the photo was unveiled on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

As Kate Harding wrote earlier, "it's a good effort... But let's not kid ourselves - this isn't a revolution. Yet." Seeing seven models with average-sized bodies (deemed "plus-size" by the industry) along with an article on why that's such a rarity and Glamour's promise to change that is great. However, using the hyperbolic term "revolution" only draws attention to what hasn't changed. Rather than a full length fashion spread, all the models are crammed together into one shot. They're also naked, which solves the problem of finding 7 designer ensembles bigger than a size 4.


Though Glamour has used plus-size models without comment in the past, the "revolution" hasn't really spread to the rest of the magazine. The only larger lady not on pages 198-199 is a non-model learning to make her "hot self look sleeker, curvier, whatever-er" in a Spanx body suit. (Thankfully no one had to model the shapewear thong.)



As Ms. Leive mentions, the model featured in the issue's one fashion spread that ran immediately before the plus-size model article is quite Twiggy-esque.


Of course, no one is angling to have thin models banned from magazines in lieu of larger ones, but aside from the liberal use of inflatable monkeys, the story didn't scream "revolution."


The rest of the magazine features the usual articles on the products every woman must buy to ward off wrinkles, in addition to answers to readers' questions on acceptable sexual behaviors ( "Should you pee with the door open when he's home?" and "Is it ever OK to sleep with your ex?"). Larger models are not featured in any of the posed pictures accompanying the beauty, health, and sex articles, because apparently Glamour can't find the requisite plus-size long johns, bras, and pink boxing gloves.


Let's face it. At any size, we ladies need magazines to guide us through the day-to-day problems we face. Like whether or not to date vampires.


And as always, the cover was chock full of lies.

Earlier: Coming This Fall: More Naked Fat Ladies In Glamour
Glamour's Plus-Size MOdel Photo Unveiled on Ellen
Naked Fat Girls On Ellen! Sort Of!

Allure editors helpfully provide a breakdown of some of the crazier food (or non-food) regimens to hit Hollywood. The mild disclaimer in the introduction reads, "these weird restrictions can work, though some may not be that healthful," and those concerned with balanced meals or, like, chewing, might want to avoid the Baby Food Diet and the Apple-Cider Vinegar diet. But most upsetting is the Air Diet, which involves eating food with high quantities of air "injected" into it (Cheetos, Rice Crispies Treats). Either the editors just made this one up, or they're extremely gullible — perhaps some air got "injected" into their heads.

Inside, Swank is forced to cavort awkwardly in a pond (ruining some very nice $407 boots) in order to show she "knows how to have fun." Then Coles asks her to bust some "myths" about herself, including the somewhat contradictory assumptions that she "sits around in designer gowns all day" and doesn't have "a girly-girl bone" in her body. I'm not sure where my girly-girl bone is located, but Swank's is apparently in the foot area, because her response to this particular ridiculousness is "I'm a big foot-soaker." If all this wasn't enough to put a grimace on Swank's face, Coles also asks her if it's true she has no friends. But at least she doesn't have to wear any sequins, which appear in the magazine on a pair of ridiculous silver harem pants — and lots of other places they shouldn't.

We didn't realize that when we learned to tie knots in Brownies, the Girl Scouts of America were actually preparing us to "turn him into our love slave" (Fig. 1) Otherwise, the November issue is actually more about being a good partner (i.e. giving in to all of your boyfriend's desires) than a "bad girl." The article "What He's Really Thinking During Sex" claims to be "educational for maximizing your pleasure," but all we learned is that the handful of guys interviewed like Brazilian waxes, feel push up bras are deceitful, and are bored by the sight of their fiancée's naked body. And then there's Jeremy, 27, who says:

When you reach in a girl's pants it's like an exploratory thing: You're reaching around, hoping you don't feel anything weird. And if I am in there and feel some kind of bump or something, I'm like, Excuse me, but what the hell is that?

Maybe it's good that Jeremy is so vigilant about STDs, but are most guys really that focused on checking for abnormal growths? We may never know, because according to Cosmo, it isn't our place to question men about their thoughts or actions. The article "The Six Worst Things You Can Say To a Guy," advises that if a man is unreasonably upset about something minor like running late, we should just apologize, not tell him to lighten up. And we should never ask a guy, "Can you really afford that?" because, "It'll make him associate you with the least sexy, least desirable women in his life: Mom." Who knew men had such terrible Mommy issues?

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Fig. 1

Like just about every Megan Fox interview, her comments veer from annoying to awesome... sometimes in the same paragraph. We're tired of hearing about how she's "completely, hysterically insecure" about her appearance and hates people looking at her (well, that goes for all starlets). But then she admits to Cosmo that she lies in interviews because she's bored. Whether quotes like, "male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a shit. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own" are true or not, they're certainly entertaining. Sadly, the rest of the magazine doesn't promote Megan's view of female power. In the article "Why He Calls You a Nag When You're Not," writer Matt Titus informs us that, "No matter how much we love you, we're only capable of listening to about 20 percent of what you have to say." According to his armchair psychoanalysis:

"In guys' minds we already did everything a woman (i.e. Mom) asked for 18 years, and it almost killed us. But now that we are, ahem, all grown up, we don't want to be told what to do. If we do everything our girlfriends and wives say, we will actually lose our manly status and turn into children again. Yes, we really think that."

Titus offers a tip for ladies who want to get their man to do what they want without nagging: simply walk out of the room when he's doing something that bothers you. In Cosmo's world playing games is always preferable to having a civilized conversation or treating guys like fellow human beings. But, that goes both ways. Our favorite sex tip from this issue involves your boyfriend treating you like a piece of meat... literally:

Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral. Since you'll feel totally like his sex toy, you can add to the arousal of being restrained by begging him to "release" you and let you orgasm."

What could be hotter than having sex while hanging from a meat hook? Oh right, using your dirty thong as a hair tie.

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Earlier: Cosmo: Wear Your Dirty Panties Around Your Ponytail