Maybe we should call this post the worst Cover Lies, as the most egregiously mendacious covers are often the most fun to mock. Regardless, here's a little tour of what some of the glossies were really saying in 2009.

This January, Vogue is promoting expensive vacations and hipster boys in skinny pants. What is this, 2005?

The Lady Gaga/Britney Elle is all about makeovers (also called "Make Better"): From reinvented Catholic schoolgirls to those who used their uniforms to turn a profit, the issue offers many reasons not to reinvent oneself in the New Year.

This month's Marie Claire includes a David Letterman-inspired article that explains why "bonking the boss" is a bad idea, yet still makes office affairs sound sexy. But more importantly, did Natalie Portman hook up with Sean Penn?

January Glamour offers lots of tips for surviving til 2011, which readers will really appreciate — if they're complete boneheads.

If your boyfriend or husband has been laid off recently, beware: All that free time has turned him into a chronic masturbator, and he's singlehandedly (heh) ruining your sex life. Cosmo recommends you crack the whip — literally.

The December Elle would like to remind its readers that they will never be happy this holiday season.

If you're the ideal Vogue reader, chances are everyone on your holiday gift list already has a gold-dipped fur and a little vintage fire engine for their kid to ride in (p. 264). Solution: $800 t-shirts.

If you've got a green-skinned friend with limited understanding of earthling manners, a copy of December's Allure may be just the gift for her.

Question: What do Sarah Palin's new book and Vogue magazine have in common? Answer: Both are glossy, insubstantial, and full of lies.

Michelle Obama, Rihanna, Serena Williams, Amy Poehler, and Maria Shriver are all fantastic choices for the cover of Glamour. Too bad they all have to share the December issue so Jessica Simpson can get her own month.

The December Marie Claire highlights the holiday season's newest trend: hanging onto the significant others you can't stand.

This month, Cosmo's editors were excited to discover that 71% of men like it when their female partner wants to have sex. We're more worried by what that says about the other 29%.

First, Harper's Bazaar was missing pages now the November Elle is missing a cover line. Where's all this lost ladymag text going?

Behind its Photoshop-of-Horrors cover, this month's Vogue is packed with the type of supposedly socially responsible content that's been its wont lately. But as regular Vogue readers already know, everything — including social responsibility — is easier when you're rich.

Good news, ladies: The November issue of Glamour features its much-ballyhooed plus-sized photoshoot, meaning that being bigger than a sample size is finally acceptable (though readers' faces, wardrobes, and sex lives still need some work).

The November Allure has hit newsstands, and as usual, it's full of obvious instructions and beauty advice. But as a bonus, it also includes "information" on the season's most ill-conceived and inadvisable diets.

Why does Hilary Swank look so worried on the cover of the November Marie Claire? Maybe because she got a look at the obnoxious questions MC editor in chiefJoanna Coles was about to ask her.

This month's Cosmo is for "sexy bitches only," so don't read on unless you're into topless feather-dusting, armpit kissing, and hog-tying your himbo.

In the October issue of Cosmopolitan Megan Fox declares, "Women hold the power because we have the vaginas... If you're in a heterosexual relationship and you're a female you win." The editors say keeping your mouth shut works too!