In the December issue, we learn all about what men are really thinking. Or rather, what Cosmo editors pretending to be guys think men are really thinking. The article "Guy Love Diaries" ostensibly features relationship journals from two real men, but we have a hard time believing "Paul, 29" used the term "BFF." Also, he writes:

"When girls get together at showers and bachelorette parties, they usually talk about boys and swap sex techniques. Sara always comes back with new sex tricks and great fellatio.

How could a man know that "wedding shower" is really code for "getting sex tips from Grandma and Aunt Janet?"

In both guys' diaries, they mention that they like it when women pig out in front of them, but stay skinny. Cosmo explains:

"Men fear they will marry a gorgeous girl, and then a couple of years later, she'll let herself go and put on 100 pounds. If you're not eating in front of him, he's nervous about what might happen when you let your guard down later on.

Josh Duhamel must have been terrified when Fergie had to gain 17 pounds for her role in Nine. Yet curiously, he didn't stop loving her! Fergie's secret?: "In Italy, Catholic boys are raised to believe that there are two types of women: the Madonna and the whore. And me? I'm both."

That may work for pop stars, but Cosmo advises you drop the whole "Madonna" thing in the bedroom. There's one dirty move guys "crave" and "you're gonna want to drop the magazine and do it on the spot." Thing is, it isn't actually a "move"; guys just "want to be wanted." Tips? Try sneaking up behind your boyfriend while he's on the phone and grabbing his penis, putting lotion on your nipples and dragging them across his chest, or taking his dick to "massage his tip all over your upper body — lips, cheeks, breasts — all while maintaining eye contact." That should give him a hint.

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After flipping to the "On The Cover" section of the table of contents, we encountered a cover line that seems to have lost its way: "Why you love guys who are bad for you...p 266." (It refers to an E. Jean column telling women to put on their stilettos and run—-not walk—-away from the losers they are dating). So, why didn't this make it? Was it an art-department coup resisting orders to make more room by Photoshopping more of Katie Holmes arms? Was Editor-in-Chief Roberta Myers all like, "We're not Cosmo, bitches," while angrily scrawling all over the mockup? Did Bigfoot abscond with it? Below, our honest take on the lines that actually made this month's cover.

From its bizarre combination of resort-wear and guerrilla gardening (hoeing in Donna Karan wedges seems like a great way to twist an ankle) to its gushy coverage of "wwoofing" (working without pay on an organic farm), November Vogue does a great job of portraying environmentalism as a fun hobby for rich people with time on their hands. Perhaps most egregious is Sally Singer's piece on hiring consultants to help make her apartment in the Chelsea Hotel more environmentally friendly. She laments that it's hard for her to save energy because "I receive no water, gas, or electricity bills." And her cleaning lady "cannot understand why her beloved long-handled dust mop must make way for a cut-up organic T-shirt on a bamboo stick." But somehow, Singer pushes through. After all, she says, "at yoga class, they tell you that if you breathe correctly, your virtue will be contagious and the world will begin to change" — and surely, if you write about your virtue in Vogue, other rich people will make their cleaning ladies scrub the floors with T-shirts too. Be the change you want to see!

The Naked Fat Girl Extravaganza Glamour promised after the huge response to showing plus-size model Lizzie Miller's belly in the September issue is finally here, and it's nothing short of a "revolution" (according to Glamour).

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In her Editor's Note, Cindi Leive repeats the declaration she made when the photo was unveiled on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

As Kate Harding wrote earlier, "it's a good effort... But let's not kid ourselves - this isn't a revolution. Yet." Seeing seven models with average-sized bodies (deemed "plus-size" by the industry) along with an article on why that's such a rarity and Glamour's promise to change that is great. However, using the hyperbolic term "revolution" only draws attention to what hasn't changed. Rather than a full length fashion spread, all the models are crammed together into one shot. They're also naked, which solves the problem of finding 7 designer ensembles bigger than a size 4.


Though Glamour has used plus-size models without comment in the past, the "revolution" hasn't really spread to the rest of the magazine. The only larger lady not on pages 198-199 is a non-model learning to make her "hot self look sleeker, curvier, whatever-er" in a Spanx body suit. (Thankfully no one had to model the shapewear thong.)



As Ms. Leive mentions, the model featured in the issue's one fashion spread that ran immediately before the plus-size model article is quite Twiggy-esque.


Of course, no one is angling to have thin models banned from magazines in lieu of larger ones, but aside from the liberal use of inflatable monkeys, the story didn't scream "revolution."


The rest of the magazine features the usual articles on the products every woman must buy to ward off wrinkles, in addition to answers to readers' questions on acceptable sexual behaviors ( "Should you pee with the door open when he's home?" and "Is it ever OK to sleep with your ex?"). Larger models are not featured in any of the posed pictures accompanying the beauty, health, and sex articles, because apparently Glamour can't find the requisite plus-size long johns, bras, and pink boxing gloves.


Let's face it. At any size, we ladies need magazines to guide us through the day-to-day problems we face. Like whether or not to date vampires.


And as always, the cover was chock full of lies.

Earlier: Coming This Fall: More Naked Fat Ladies In Glamour
Glamour's Plus-Size MOdel Photo Unveiled on Ellen
Naked Fat Girls On Ellen! Sort Of!

Allure editors helpfully provide a breakdown of some of the crazier food (or non-food) regimens to hit Hollywood. The mild disclaimer in the introduction reads, "these weird restrictions can work, though some may not be that healthful," and those concerned with balanced meals or, like, chewing, might want to avoid the Baby Food Diet and the Apple-Cider Vinegar diet. But most upsetting is the Air Diet, which involves eating food with high quantities of air "injected" into it (Cheetos, Rice Crispies Treats). Either the editors just made this one up, or they're extremely gullible — perhaps some air got "injected" into their heads.

Inside, Swank is forced to cavort awkwardly in a pond (ruining some very nice $407 boots) in order to show she "knows how to have fun." Then Coles asks her to bust some "myths" about herself, including the somewhat contradictory assumptions that she "sits around in designer gowns all day" and doesn't have "a girly-girl bone" in her body. I'm not sure where my girly-girl bone is located, but Swank's is apparently in the foot area, because her response to this particular ridiculousness is "I'm a big foot-soaker." If all this wasn't enough to put a grimace on Swank's face, Coles also asks her if it's true she has no friends. But at least she doesn't have to wear any sequins, which appear in the magazine on a pair of ridiculous silver harem pants — and lots of other places they shouldn't.

We didn't realize that when we learned to tie knots in Brownies, the Girl Scouts of America were actually preparing us to "turn him into our love slave" (Fig. 1) Otherwise, the November issue is actually more about being a good partner (i.e. giving in to all of your boyfriend's desires) than a "bad girl." The article "What He's Really Thinking During Sex" claims to be "educational for maximizing your pleasure," but all we learned is that the handful of guys interviewed like Brazilian waxes, feel push up bras are deceitful, and are bored by the sight of their fiancée's naked body. And then there's Jeremy, 27, who says:

When you reach in a girl's pants it's like an exploratory thing: You're reaching around, hoping you don't feel anything weird. And if I am in there and feel some kind of bump or something, I'm like, Excuse me, but what the hell is that?

Maybe it's good that Jeremy is so vigilant about STDs, but are most guys really that focused on checking for abnormal growths? We may never know, because according to Cosmo, it isn't our place to question men about their thoughts or actions. The article "The Six Worst Things You Can Say To a Guy," advises that if a man is unreasonably upset about something minor like running late, we should just apologize, not tell him to lighten up. And we should never ask a guy, "Can you really afford that?" because, "It'll make him associate you with the least sexy, least desirable women in his life: Mom." Who knew men had such terrible Mommy issues?

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Like just about every Megan Fox interview, her comments veer from annoying to awesome... sometimes in the same paragraph. We're tired of hearing about how she's "completely, hysterically insecure" about her appearance and hates people looking at her (well, that goes for all starlets). But then she admits to Cosmo that she lies in interviews because she's bored. Whether quotes like, "male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a shit. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own" are true or not, they're certainly entertaining. Sadly, the rest of the magazine doesn't promote Megan's view of female power. In the article "Why He Calls You a Nag When You're Not," writer Matt Titus informs us that, "No matter how much we love you, we're only capable of listening to about 20 percent of what you have to say." According to his armchair psychoanalysis:

"In guys' minds we already did everything a woman (i.e. Mom) asked for 18 years, and it almost killed us. But now that we are, ahem, all grown up, we don't want to be told what to do. If we do everything our girlfriends and wives say, we will actually lose our manly status and turn into children again. Yes, we really think that."

Titus offers a tip for ladies who want to get their man to do what they want without nagging: simply walk out of the room when he's doing something that bothers you. In Cosmo's world playing games is always preferable to having a civilized conversation or treating guys like fellow human beings. But, that goes both ways. Our favorite sex tip from this issue involves your boyfriend treating you like a piece of meat... literally:

Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral. Since you'll feel totally like his sex toy, you can add to the arousal of being restrained by begging him to "release" you and let you orgasm."

What could be hotter than having sex while hanging from a meat hook? Oh right, using your dirty thong as a hair tie.

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Earlier: Cosmo: Wear Your Dirty Panties Around Your Ponytail

According to Marie Claire, Drew Barrymore and Ellen Page "can't keep their hands off each other"; there's even a pullquote from Barrymore calling Page "sexy as a mother". And that's about it. This portrayal of "besties as lezzies" seems a little more fit for Maxim, no? The rest of the magazine is full of the usual items you'd expect: angry women after discount plastic surgery, ankle boots, eyeshadow, mohair, and the obligatory feature on women abroad and how hard it is to be them. Below, the usual cliches and coverline lies.

In addition to the perfect gown for bed-tennis (a variant on table tennis?), Vogue also offers a fur coat for wading around by the seaside (goes great with wellies!), and, on page 234, the perfect hat for your horse (only $237). The magazine returns to breakfast fashion with Sally Singer's profile of Michelle Williams. Williams's "great friend" Daphne Javitch has this to say about the actress's clothing choices: "So much of her style has to do with the fact that she's a soulful, practical, beautiful kind of person. [...] Can she get a bagel in it?" We tend to ask this question of our toasters, not our outfits, which we guess makes us "soulful, practical, beautiful" — and hungry.

The first thing we thought when we saw Vanessa Hudgens on the cover was "her?" which, as it turns out, is appropriate, because the only entertaining part of the magazine was a brief interview with Alia Shawkat about Whip It, her first major role since Arrested Development (Fig. 1). Plus, at this point in her career, Hudgens may be wishing she was a "never nude." The High School Musical star is now 20, which means it's time for her to reject her squeaky-clean Disney image and transition into adult roles. Usually this is accomplished with a few women's magazine covers and maybe a racy Maxim shoot, but Hudgens has already been involved in a nude photo scandal. Thus, throughout her Allure interview Hudgens references various Disney princess movies and emphasizes that she's still sweet and "naive."

The rest of the magazine seems to feature even more ads than usual, but that's probably because the article on scientific beauty breakthroughs sounds like it was copied off the back of a shampoo bottle. As usual, to make sure those jars of anti-aging creams and gels (which Allure's own editor admits are pretty useless) really fly off the shelves, the magazine resorts to scare tactics. This month's aging horror story concerns identical twins who "look years apart." Though it looks like one twin was photographed in bad lighting, in most cases the magazine claims one twin's face looks worse than her sister's because she's overweight. While Catherine Deneuve is quoted as saying "after a certain age, a woman needs to choose between her face and her behind," the article explains that:

For women under 40 the effect turns out to be just the opposite: Extra pounds can obscure youthful features like a smooth jawline and cause facial features to sag.

By that logic, wouldn't the best anti-aging strategy be to stay slim until you hit 40 then start packing on the pounds? We're not sure why Allure's editors seem to think there's some scenario in which our faces aren't going to age in the next 60 years (or why that's so terrible). Another mystery: How did Allure find the sets of twins for this story? Who would call up their twin sister and say, "I know we're the exact same age, but I think you look much older than me. Want to be photographed for Allure?"

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Earlier: Allure Editor Defends Pushing Beauty Products That Don't Work

The "secret signs" turn out to be mostly cute anecdotes from women in committed relationships. Anecdotes like, "my husband walks two blocks to Starbucks for my coffee every morning." Number one sign "he's into you:" you're married. And I'm not sure if they count as part of the "73 must-know man-facts," but the "15 Guys We Love to Look At" constitute their very own Photoshop of Horrors, given that their arms have been bizarrely manipulated to look like they're holding hands with each other (Terrell Owens, p. 302, looks especially upsetting). Also, my issue did not contain a $500 sticker. Or a kitten, which seems about equally likely.

A taste of what's on the line: a "bawdy" Charlize Theron calling some adoring fans "lesbians" (she's such a card!). A fall fashion preview with Natalia Vodianova as a bizarre hybrid of Little Red Riding Hood and Granny (why the grey hair?). And who needs fur-lined gloves when you can wear the fur on the outside, like the paws of some abominable snowman? So spend a lot of money this season — or there won't be anyone left to tell you to spend a lot of money the next.

This month's Allure is filled with tips we'd figured out before we were allowed to wear makeup, such as how to wear a headband, tie a scarf, and kiss people on the cheek. In other obvious news, the mag interviews some of Michael Jackson's doctors - along with anonymous sources and medical experts who never treated him - to create a timeline of his changing face that looked pretty similar to those printed in most other magazines right after he died. The feature was heavily promoted in the media, including on the Today show and in The New York Times, but the article just reaffirms what we've always known: dude had a lot of plastic surgery. The mag reports more information you've heard a million times in the article "Mom Was Right," which examines beauty tips such as "don't bite your nails," "sit like a lady," and "get your hair out of your face," and declares that you really should have been listening to your mother for all those years. So if it's true that "if you keep making that face it'll freeze that way," is reading Allure every month going to make our faces get stuck in a permanent eye roll?

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Earlier: Allure: Michael Jackson Did Not Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Breaking: Michael's Face Changed Over The Years

After a quick glance through this issue, we automatically deem most of the featured clothes unwearable in real life (i.e. metallic leather shorts). We know that these items are supposed to be inspiration as part of trickle-down fashion economics and that only rich and/or those in fashion actually wear such styles. But apparently, there are times when even the boldest of fashion editors don't want to be that fashionable, especially in front of men. According to Elle Creative Director Joe Zee, some of the "girls in the fashion department" typically say "I work in fashion, I don't want him to think I'm obsessed with it." He concludes that "women basically have two wardrobes—-one to wear for other women (or themselves!) and one to wear for men." This is the premise for a feature in which Zee enlists SNL cast member Andy Samberg to represent men in a battle to pick the best outfits for the fashion department to wear for non-work occasions. The result is as you would expect: Samberg picked out more classic items while Zee leaned towards the weird, fashion-forward choices. Cute, yes, but one question: if the editors of this magazine are too self-conscious to wear the very same duds they peddle, why are they pushing them on the rest of us? Find out what else the Elle is pushing in the September issue.

Did you know that breakfast is good for you, but eating fast food every day isn't? Or that a varied sex life can help keep a relationship healthy? Maybe they didn't teach us this in fifth grade, but do we really need Cosmo for "dirty sex" tips like "have fantasies" or "use a blindfold?" Or to remind us of the lame old saw that if we want to pique a guy's interest, we should stop calling for a few days (in a serious overstatement, Cosmo calls this a "risky move")? Actually, the only thing surprising in this month's Cosmo is the suggestion that you tie a necktie around your man's penis — or "lightly dust" his balls with a makeup brush. Just add some glasses on top, and you have a face!

Vogue's annual Age Issue is plastered with large print affirmations about beauty coming from within, including a strange full-page declaration that includes the following statement:

Style isn't imposed on us by the Establishment it's a daily affirmation of, well, our joie de vivre. We are each a painted butterfly, with a different pattern on our wings. The concept that adornment can—like capoeira-yoga classes or a devotion to esoteric whole grains—engender well-being is especially good news for anyone older than, say, oh, 29. It's never been more true that you are only as old as you feel. ...

The small print tells a different story! A beauty feature about four women who began obsessing about signs of aging in their 20s and 30s concludes with one woman pestering her doctor about age spots only she can see. The doctor asks, "Are you insane?" "No Limits," the issue's big fashion spread, is similarly maddening. It's ostensibly about how "fall's best looks cross generational lines," but there's no attempt made in the following pages to show the mixing of old and new styles, or how anyone over 25 could pull them off.

We've already taken a look back at some of Christy Turlington's work in honor of her appearance on this month's cover, but some comments in the accompanying profile about her younger days in modeling were troubling. First, Christy reveals that by working almost exclusively for Vogue by the time she was 16,

"I skipped that self-critical place that's dangerous for any teenager. I kind of figured, if Vogue thinks I look OK, I probably look OK. Working with Arthur Elgort, Patrick Demarchelier, Steven Meisel, I felt pretty confident in my day-to-day life."

She's right — working with Patrick Demarchelier is a great cure for teenage self-doubt (but what if the magazine doesn't think you look OK?). Later, celebrity hairstylist Oribe notes,

"There hasn't been another one like her, and she's smarter than a whip—there are so many gorgeous women that are not smart or witty and kind. She was this superclassy thing that was bigger than life, and a virgin."

Clearly Vogue's editors prize a youthful look, but we hadn't realized a model's sexual status influences how good she looks in couture.

Earlier: An '80s-Tastic Christy Turlington Retrospective

We actually can't make sense of the two-page chart below (Figs. 1 - 3), showing the length of David and Victoria Beckham's hair versus the Dow, but none of us have a degree in economics. The only pattern we can spot is that for the past two decades the Beckhams' have had hair on their heads and the stock market hasn't completely and utterly crashed. Therefore, we must conclude that, like modern day Sampsons, if they go bald, the country will suffer a complete meltdown. The bizarre hair theme continues in the fall fashion spread, in which one model poses as a hot pink wookie wielding a lightsaber (Fig. 4). Later, Amy Adams reveals she's actually a blonde, not a redhead, and Allure's editors punish her for this deception by giving her a Bride of Frankenstein hairdo and putting her in unflattering magenta eyeshadow. The only one who escapes Allure's wrath is Mad Men's Christina Hendricks (another blonde turned redhead) who explains how to look more like Joan on Mad Men (Fig. 5), which is pretty much the only beauty secret we were ever interested in. Below, we untangle the cover lies in this month's Allure.

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Don't ask guys what they likes — they can barely talk anyway. Instead, remember that 61.6% of men pay attention to "a hot body" — so get one! And you'll probably want to put your hair up, because 76.1% of guys like to see a girl in a ponytail. That scrunchy will come in handy later. Speaking of sex, 27.4% of men would like to bring "a kinky costume" into the bedroom, so wear your sexy maid outfit for about one out of four guys you sleep with. But watch out for the "backdoor area" — 60.7% of dudes say you should never touch it "under any circumstances." If all these numbers don't put enough science in your summer, flip to page 142 for an exhaustive chart that explains how you can use this season to "chill out and recharge" or "have an adventure." Because what's the point of fun if you can't graph it?

Anyone who has had the privilege of experiencing a Brazilian wax can attest to, hair removal is painful.But to further the American ideal of female hairlessness, Glamour has added another form of torture to the mix: tweezing your nipple hair. Speaking of pain—- in her interview, Taylor Swift attributes her stellar record sales to the songs she wrote about heartaches and breakups. It seems like the underlying theme in the August Glamour is "no pain, no gain." Below: more masochistic suggestions from the issue.