In "No Way Out?" Rachael Combe explores the "scientifically, mathematically, and economically proven" notion that women are "kinda bummed out." She proposes several reasons for this, one of which is that we're all disappointed in the way the women's movement panned out. You see, now that women have more choices, "it has opened our eyes to new ways we might fail." Also, according to Combe, while women and men are logging in equal hours of housework, men actually enjoy it. Furthermore, now that we have this feminism-given right to complain, "misery has become a badge of honor" sending women in a downward spiral of unhappiness. Combe concludes that women can increase happiness by giving back to the community. While this is a noble notion, it seems kind of lost when the pages surrounding her article are inundated with all sorts of other "choices", namely expensive shit to buy, thin models, and gift suggestions that are unlikely to make anyone feel festive. For example, does your mom like to travel? Give her this super-useful, $50 leaning tower of Pisa replica. Does your friend like to eat food? How about a salad plate that looks like a lettuce leaf? Or a $2,730 pearl choker with gigantic strawberry charms? Below, the other "gifts" Elle is bestowing upon us this season.

If Jonathan Saunders's eight-benjamin tee (it has, like, colors) isn't quite twee enough for you, you can shell out just $70 for a wifebeater that says some bullshit about an "imposter chicken" who drives a bus. The same annoying hipster who enjoys this gift might like a class on pickling things in Brooklyn (can Vena Cava's designer Chuck Taylors be pickled? What about that wooden iPod dock by Vers?). Or perhaps a volunteer vacation — because nothing says "happy holidays" like forced WWOOFing. And for your "overstressed and undersexed" friend, why not a free checkup for adrenal fatigue — a vague and ill-defined condition best cured by the innovative treatment of getting enough sleep. Sadly not included in December Vogue is the much-needed pull-out greeting card: "Merry Christmas! I'm concerned about your glands!"

If your pal X'ortel needs advice on covering up those scales, she should look no further than Allure's "Starry Night" feature, which advocates tinted moisturizer on the cleavage and not one but two types of makeup on the legs. But where Allure truly shines is the social sphere — essential tips on activities most humanoids take for granted. Devoted followers will remember the immortal "How To Take A Shower," but the December issue expands on the seemingly-simple-activities theme by offering advice on how to talk to people. For instance, aspiring humans should try to relate current events back to fellow partygoers' lives. Allure's example: the Jaycee Dugard kidnapping. Charming! But X'ortel might not want to take her cue from alleged human Kirsten Dunst, whose insight after a recent cross-country road trip was, "wow, America is so poor." Celebrities, like aliens, want to seem down-to-earth, and Dunst is, as we say here, doin it rong.

We know Sarah Palin isn't the biggest fan of Vogue, but we think she'd do really well guest-editing her own issue. So we've worked up a sample cover in the style of our Cover Lies feature (in which we expose how little relationship ladymags, like Sarah Palin, have to reality). While the real Vogue bows to the recession with its $300 "Steal" of the Month, Palin could show us how to get a $150,000 wardrobe for free — and how to pick a $700/night hotel, complete with robe and slippers. In lieu of book reviews, she could offer up a bunch of snide remarks about Katie Couric — "the perky one" probably can't read anyway. And for balance, Palin could add some media elite contributors, like Trig-birther Andrew Sullivan and Rebecca Johnson. (Johnson works for the fake America but the real Vogue, and says all Palin wanted to talk about in her much-maligned interview was "drilling for oil" — but what else is there, anyway?) In fact, right after a Jeffrey Steingarten piece on moose-meat, Going Vogue should include a free sample of premium Alaska crude. We hear it gets rid of both wrinkles and endangered wildlife.

Fact Check: Palin's Book Goes Rogue On Some Facts [AP, via Yahoo News]
Palin's Katie Couric Myths [Daily Beast]
Palin's Ego Trip [Daily Beast]

You'd think Rihanna's first cover since her assault at the hands of Chris Brown or the First Lady would be big enough "gets" to warrant their own covers, but instead they're just two of five different versions of the December issue.



Each features one of Glamour's "Women of the Year" and, while we're thrilled to see them recognized in a women's magazine, looking at their covers just highlights what's wrong with Glamour's real "women of the year" — the ones they choose to promote during the other 11 months of the year. The magazine's previous 2009 cover girls were: Britney Spears, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Connelly, Katie Holmes, Miley Cyrus, Renee Zellweger, Sandra Bullock, Taylor Swift, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, and Scarlett Johansson. That makes December even more special, since it's the only month that features a non-entertainer, a woman over 50, or a woman of color.

When editor Cindi Leive pledged to include more plus-size models in Glamour last month, she also said the magazine would show, "A continued commitment to showing a wide range of body types — and, of course, racial diversity — in our pages..." To illustrate that the mag has always been committed to diversity, Leive said "we've put Queen Latifah on the cover twice." That's true, but she didn't mention that you have to go back two years to find a woman of color on the magazine's cover: Mariah Carey was on the November 2007 cover and Queen Latifah shared the September 2007 cover with Claire Danes and Mariska Hargitay. We'd like to take this month's covers as signs that the magazine will be making good on its promise to feature more women of color, but considering we needed a publicist to point out the plus-size model in this month's issue, we're skeptical.

As for the contents of the magazine, it seems once Michelle Obama agreed to be on the cover Glamour's editors had their own version of that frantic houseclean you do when your family visits for the holidays. The magazine is purged of most of the dirtier sex articles, since you can't have a line like "25 Naked Truths About Guys' Bodies" written next to the First Lady's head. Katie Couric, however, did manage to coax some (classy) dating advice out of Obama at the end of her interview about health care and vegetable gardens. Ms. Obama says:

Cute's good, but cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, Who are you as a person? That's the advice I would give to women: Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you're dating a man you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole.

That's advice we'd like to see repeated in every women's magazine, especially if it could reach women in a situation similar to Rihanna's. Though most of Rihanna's interview is about her career, she addresses the fall out from her abusive relationship with Chris Brown being made public saying:

Domestic violence is a big secret... It's one of the things we [women] will hide, because it's embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women , because I feel like I represent a voice that isn't heard. Now I can help speak for those women.

It's a little more meaty than most celebrity profiles, but unfortunately, Glamour ends by asking Rihanna about the really important question on everyone's mind: if she's already thinking about finding love again and having lots of babies.

(Click image to enlarge.)

Earlier: Glamour's "Big" Issue: Plus-Size Models, Plus-Size Problems
Spot The Plus-Size Model In Glamour

In "The New Male Midlife Crisis," Lauren Ianotti describes several women who are dating what are often nauseatingly referred to as "kidults." These are the John Mayer-types who keep secret bachelor pads and refuse to marry, have kids, and become normal adults. Ianotti theorizes that behind every kidult is a successful woman—- men are no longer pressured into becoming providers because, these days, more women can take on that role. How do those women deal? Dana, the head of a major global cosmetics brand, thinks she is "just lucky" that her "type B" boyfriend sticks around and "puts up with [her] shit." (Because thanking your lucky stars will totally help your man's commitment issues!)

In "The Honeymoon from Hell," Liz Fischer describes how her four-month honeymoon with her new husband, David, went sour. The newlyweds started despising each other while backpacking across South America and hanging out with vagabonds who dislike the institution of marriage. David would do things like "condescendingly commend her vocabulary" and try to visit multiple sites in one day. (Um, what an asshole?) The couple took a break for weeks and finally rekindled their love in the absence of others. So, how does Fischer deal with the inevitable tension in her marriage these days? She looks to her honeymoon for answers, avoiding exposure to her husband for extended periods of time.

Below, a summary of other tips from this month's issue.

In the December issue, we learn all about what men are really thinking. Or rather, what Cosmo editors pretending to be guys think men are really thinking. The article "Guy Love Diaries" ostensibly features relationship journals from two real men, but we have a hard time believing "Paul, 29" used the term "BFF." Also, he writes:

"When girls get together at showers and bachelorette parties, they usually talk about boys and swap sex techniques. Sara always comes back with new sex tricks and great fellatio.

How could a man know that "wedding shower" is really code for "getting sex tips from Grandma and Aunt Janet?"

In both guys' diaries, they mention that they like it when women pig out in front of them, but stay skinny. Cosmo explains:

"Men fear they will marry a gorgeous girl, and then a couple of years later, she'll let herself go and put on 100 pounds. If you're not eating in front of him, he's nervous about what might happen when you let your guard down later on.

Josh Duhamel must have been terrified when Fergie had to gain 17 pounds for her role in Nine. Yet curiously, he didn't stop loving her! Fergie's secret?: "In Italy, Catholic boys are raised to believe that there are two types of women: the Madonna and the whore. And me? I'm both."

That may work for pop stars, but Cosmo advises you drop the whole "Madonna" thing in the bedroom. There's one dirty move guys "crave" and "you're gonna want to drop the magazine and do it on the spot." Thing is, it isn't actually a "move"; guys just "want to be wanted." Tips? Try sneaking up behind your boyfriend while he's on the phone and grabbing his penis, putting lotion on your nipples and dragging them across his chest, or taking his dick to "massage his tip all over your upper body — lips, cheeks, breasts — all while maintaining eye contact." That should give him a hint.

(Click to enlarge.)

After flipping to the "On The Cover" section of the table of contents, we encountered a cover line that seems to have lost its way: "Why you love guys who are bad for you...p 266." (It refers to an E. Jean column telling women to put on their stilettos and run—-not walk—-away from the losers they are dating). So, why didn't this make it? Was it an art-department coup resisting orders to make more room by Photoshopping more of Katie Holmes arms? Was Editor-in-Chief Roberta Myers all like, "We're not Cosmo, bitches," while angrily scrawling all over the mockup? Did Bigfoot abscond with it? Below, our honest take on the lines that actually made this month's cover.

From its bizarre combination of resort-wear and guerrilla gardening (hoeing in Donna Karan wedges seems like a great way to twist an ankle) to its gushy coverage of "wwoofing" (working without pay on an organic farm), November Vogue does a great job of portraying environmentalism as a fun hobby for rich people with time on their hands. Perhaps most egregious is Sally Singer's piece on hiring consultants to help make her apartment in the Chelsea Hotel more environmentally friendly. She laments that it's hard for her to save energy because "I receive no water, gas, or electricity bills." And her cleaning lady "cannot understand why her beloved long-handled dust mop must make way for a cut-up organic T-shirt on a bamboo stick." But somehow, Singer pushes through. After all, she says, "at yoga class, they tell you that if you breathe correctly, your virtue will be contagious and the world will begin to change" — and surely, if you write about your virtue in Vogue, other rich people will make their cleaning ladies scrub the floors with T-shirts too. Be the change you want to see!

The Naked Fat Girl Extravaganza Glamour promised after the huge response to showing plus-size model Lizzie Miller's belly in the September issue is finally here, and it's nothing short of a "revolution" (according to Glamour).

(Click images to make them larger.)


In her Editor's Note, Cindi Leive repeats the declaration she made when the photo was unveiled on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

As Kate Harding wrote earlier, "it's a good effort... But let's not kid ourselves - this isn't a revolution. Yet." Seeing seven models with average-sized bodies (deemed "plus-size" by the industry) along with an article on why that's such a rarity and Glamour's promise to change that is great. However, using the hyperbolic term "revolution" only draws attention to what hasn't changed. Rather than a full length fashion spread, all the models are crammed together into one shot. They're also naked, which solves the problem of finding 7 designer ensembles bigger than a size 4.


Though Glamour has used plus-size models without comment in the past, the "revolution" hasn't really spread to the rest of the magazine. The only larger lady not on pages 198-199 is a non-model learning to make her "hot self look sleeker, curvier, whatever-er" in a Spanx body suit. (Thankfully no one had to model the shapewear thong.)



As Ms. Leive mentions, the model featured in the issue's one fashion spread that ran immediately before the plus-size model article is quite Twiggy-esque.


Of course, no one is angling to have thin models banned from magazines in lieu of larger ones, but aside from the liberal use of inflatable monkeys, the story didn't scream "revolution."


The rest of the magazine features the usual articles on the products every woman must buy to ward off wrinkles, in addition to answers to readers' questions on acceptable sexual behaviors ( "Should you pee with the door open when he's home?" and "Is it ever OK to sleep with your ex?"). Larger models are not featured in any of the posed pictures accompanying the beauty, health, and sex articles, because apparently Glamour can't find the requisite plus-size long johns, bras, and pink boxing gloves.


Let's face it. At any size, we ladies need magazines to guide us through the day-to-day problems we face. Like whether or not to date vampires.


And as always, the cover was chock full of lies.

Earlier: Coming This Fall: More Naked Fat Ladies In Glamour
Glamour's Plus-Size MOdel Photo Unveiled on Ellen
Naked Fat Girls On Ellen! Sort Of!

Allure editors helpfully provide a breakdown of some of the crazier food (or non-food) regimens to hit Hollywood. The mild disclaimer in the introduction reads, "these weird restrictions can work, though some may not be that healthful," and those concerned with balanced meals or, like, chewing, might want to avoid the Baby Food Diet and the Apple-Cider Vinegar diet. But most upsetting is the Air Diet, which involves eating food with high quantities of air "injected" into it (Cheetos, Rice Crispies Treats). Either the editors just made this one up, or they're extremely gullible — perhaps some air got "injected" into their heads.

Inside, Swank is forced to cavort awkwardly in a pond (ruining some very nice $407 boots) in order to show she "knows how to have fun." Then Coles asks her to bust some "myths" about herself, including the somewhat contradictory assumptions that she "sits around in designer gowns all day" and doesn't have "a girly-girl bone" in her body. I'm not sure where my girly-girl bone is located, but Swank's is apparently in the foot area, because her response to this particular ridiculousness is "I'm a big foot-soaker." If all this wasn't enough to put a grimace on Swank's face, Coles also asks her if it's true she has no friends. But at least she doesn't have to wear any sequins, which appear in the magazine on a pair of ridiculous silver harem pants — and lots of other places they shouldn't.

We didn't realize that when we learned to tie knots in Brownies, the Girl Scouts of America were actually preparing us to "turn him into our love slave" (Fig. 1) Otherwise, the November issue is actually more about being a good partner (i.e. giving in to all of your boyfriend's desires) than a "bad girl." The article "What He's Really Thinking During Sex" claims to be "educational for maximizing your pleasure," but all we learned is that the handful of guys interviewed like Brazilian waxes, feel push up bras are deceitful, and are bored by the sight of their fiancée's naked body. And then there's Jeremy, 27, who says:

When you reach in a girl's pants it's like an exploratory thing: You're reaching around, hoping you don't feel anything weird. And if I am in there and feel some kind of bump or something, I'm like, Excuse me, but what the hell is that?

Maybe it's good that Jeremy is so vigilant about STDs, but are most guys really that focused on checking for abnormal growths? We may never know, because according to Cosmo, it isn't our place to question men about their thoughts or actions. The article "The Six Worst Things You Can Say To a Guy," advises that if a man is unreasonably upset about something minor like running late, we should just apologize, not tell him to lighten up. And we should never ask a guy, "Can you really afford that?" because, "It'll make him associate you with the least sexy, least desirable women in his life: Mom." Who knew men had such terrible Mommy issues?

(Click the image below to enlarge.)

Fig. 1

Like just about every Megan Fox interview, her comments veer from annoying to awesome... sometimes in the same paragraph. We're tired of hearing about how she's "completely, hysterically insecure" about her appearance and hates people looking at her (well, that goes for all starlets). But then she admits to Cosmo that she lies in interviews because she's bored. Whether quotes like, "male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a shit. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own" are true or not, they're certainly entertaining. Sadly, the rest of the magazine doesn't promote Megan's view of female power. In the article "Why He Calls You a Nag When You're Not," writer Matt Titus informs us that, "No matter how much we love you, we're only capable of listening to about 20 percent of what you have to say." According to his armchair psychoanalysis:

"In guys' minds we already did everything a woman (i.e. Mom) asked for 18 years, and it almost killed us. But now that we are, ahem, all grown up, we don't want to be told what to do. If we do everything our girlfriends and wives say, we will actually lose our manly status and turn into children again. Yes, we really think that."

Titus offers a tip for ladies who want to get their man to do what they want without nagging: simply walk out of the room when he's doing something that bothers you. In Cosmo's world playing games is always preferable to having a civilized conversation or treating guys like fellow human beings. But, that goes both ways. Our favorite sex tip from this issue involves your boyfriend treating you like a piece of meat... literally:

Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral. Since you'll feel totally like his sex toy, you can add to the arousal of being restrained by begging him to "release" you and let you orgasm."

What could be hotter than having sex while hanging from a meat hook? Oh right, using your dirty thong as a hair tie.

(Click on the image below to enlarge.)

Earlier: Cosmo: Wear Your Dirty Panties Around Your Ponytail

According to Marie Claire, Drew Barrymore and Ellen Page "can't keep their hands off each other"; there's even a pullquote from Barrymore calling Page "sexy as a mother". And that's about it. This portrayal of "besties as lezzies" seems a little more fit for Maxim, no? The rest of the magazine is full of the usual items you'd expect: angry women after discount plastic surgery, ankle boots, eyeshadow, mohair, and the obligatory feature on women abroad and how hard it is to be them. Below, the usual cliches and coverline lies.

In addition to the perfect gown for bed-tennis (a variant on table tennis?), Vogue also offers a fur coat for wading around by the seaside (goes great with wellies!), and, on page 234, the perfect hat for your horse (only $237). The magazine returns to breakfast fashion with Sally Singer's profile of Michelle Williams. Williams's "great friend" Daphne Javitch has this to say about the actress's clothing choices: "So much of her style has to do with the fact that she's a soulful, practical, beautiful kind of person. [...] Can she get a bagel in it?" We tend to ask this question of our toasters, not our outfits, which we guess makes us "soulful, practical, beautiful" — and hungry.

The first thing we thought when we saw Vanessa Hudgens on the cover was "her?" which, as it turns out, is appropriate, because the only entertaining part of the magazine was a brief interview with Alia Shawkat about Whip It, her first major role since Arrested Development (Fig. 1). Plus, at this point in her career, Hudgens may be wishing she was a "never nude." The High School Musical star is now 20, which means it's time for her to reject her squeaky-clean Disney image and transition into adult roles. Usually this is accomplished with a few women's magazine covers and maybe a racy Maxim shoot, but Hudgens has already been involved in a nude photo scandal. Thus, throughout her Allure interview Hudgens references various Disney princess movies and emphasizes that she's still sweet and "naive."

The rest of the magazine seems to feature even more ads than usual, but that's probably because the article on scientific beauty breakthroughs sounds like it was copied off the back of a shampoo bottle. As usual, to make sure those jars of anti-aging creams and gels (which Allure's own editor admits are pretty useless) really fly off the shelves, the magazine resorts to scare tactics. This month's aging horror story concerns identical twins who "look years apart." Though it looks like one twin was photographed in bad lighting, in most cases the magazine claims one twin's face looks worse than her sister's because she's overweight. While Catherine Deneuve is quoted as saying "after a certain age, a woman needs to choose between her face and her behind," the article explains that:

For women under 40 the effect turns out to be just the opposite: Extra pounds can obscure youthful features like a smooth jawline and cause facial features to sag.

By that logic, wouldn't the best anti-aging strategy be to stay slim until you hit 40 then start packing on the pounds? We're not sure why Allure's editors seem to think there's some scenario in which our faces aren't going to age in the next 60 years (or why that's so terrible). Another mystery: How did Allure find the sets of twins for this story? Who would call up their twin sister and say, "I know we're the exact same age, but I think you look much older than me. Want to be photographed for Allure?"

(Click the image below to make it larger.)

Fig. 1

Earlier: Allure Editor Defends Pushing Beauty Products That Don't Work

The "secret signs" turn out to be mostly cute anecdotes from women in committed relationships. Anecdotes like, "my husband walks two blocks to Starbucks for my coffee every morning." Number one sign "he's into you:" you're married. And I'm not sure if they count as part of the "73 must-know man-facts," but the "15 Guys We Love to Look At" constitute their very own Photoshop of Horrors, given that their arms have been bizarrely manipulated to look like they're holding hands with each other (Terrell Owens, p. 302, looks especially upsetting). Also, my issue did not contain a $500 sticker. Or a kitten, which seems about equally likely.

A taste of what's on the line: a "bawdy" Charlize Theron calling some adoring fans "lesbians" (she's such a card!). A fall fashion preview with Natalia Vodianova as a bizarre hybrid of Little Red Riding Hood and Granny (why the grey hair?). And who needs fur-lined gloves when you can wear the fur on the outside, like the paws of some abominable snowman? So spend a lot of money this season — or there won't be anyone left to tell you to spend a lot of money the next.

This month's Allure is filled with tips we'd figured out before we were allowed to wear makeup, such as how to wear a headband, tie a scarf, and kiss people on the cheek. In other obvious news, the mag interviews some of Michael Jackson's doctors - along with anonymous sources and medical experts who never treated him - to create a timeline of his changing face that looked pretty similar to those printed in most other magazines right after he died. The feature was heavily promoted in the media, including on the Today show and in The New York Times, but the article just reaffirms what we've always known: dude had a lot of plastic surgery. The mag reports more information you've heard a million times in the article "Mom Was Right," which examines beauty tips such as "don't bite your nails," "sit like a lady," and "get your hair out of your face," and declares that you really should have been listening to your mother for all those years. So if it's true that "if you keep making that face it'll freeze that way," is reading Allure every month going to make our faces get stuck in a permanent eye roll?

(Click image to make it larger.)

Earlier: Allure: Michael Jackson Did Not Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Breaking: Michael's Face Changed Over The Years