Jezebel: Cosmopolitan

Cosmo Thinks Women With Integrity Are Total Failures

Jessica — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Cathy Alter might claim that women's magazines saved her life, but we're a little more skeptical. To crib a line from Cher Horowitz, looking for advice in a Cosmo quiz is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie, and yet, something about the title of this quiz enticed me: Are You Destined For Success? Feeling reasonably content with my career trajectory, I thought to myself, I am totally going to ace this idiot quiz. How wrong I was! My lack of ruthlessness or duplicity caused Cosmo to term me an "Undetermined Dawdler." (BURN!!!) Here's the first question: "While shopping, you and a pal spot a top that you both love, but there's only one left. Do you let her have it?" The options are: A) Yeah, it's not worth fighting over. B) Hell no, you'll tear it out of her hands if you have to. C) You try to steer her toward another shirt that would look much hotter on her, hoping she'll take the bait. I chose A, because, you know, she's my friend and it's just a shirt. Wrong answer!

I did the quiz again and chose B), and that got me labeled "Blindly Ambitious," which, in Cosmo world, is a no no. Because showing your ambition makes you seem like an undainty "bulldozer," and nobody likes that in a lady. Just for the good of womanity, I took the quiz a third time, and chose C) and other answers that were similarly manipulative. Like for the question, what do you do when you hear that your crush is dating another girl, you're supposed to "Snoop around to find out how serious they are. If it's just a casual thing, you can still make a play for him." When I choose those sorts of passive aggressive responses, Cosmo was delighted, and called me a "savvy goal-getter" who could manage to be simultaneously "likely to succeed…and likable." Sigh. The takeaway: stabbing your coworkers and friends in the back with your fuck-me heels is a-ok by Cosmo standards as long as you have a shit-eating grin on your perfectly glossed lips.

Are You Destined For Success? [Cosmopolitan]

Women's Magazines Save Woman's Life

Dodai — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 12:00:00 EDT

Cathy Alter's life was a mess. She was divorced, unhappy, lost, etc. So she spent under 200 bucks and in one year, she was greatly improved. The gimmick? She used women's magazines to get herself back on track. "Women's magazines definitely have a bad rap, but… I looked at them as being full of hope, like they were showing me what this perfect life could look like," Alter says. "I sat down and wrote this list of what I wanted, the changes I wanted to make, and they really did resemble these cover lines you see on the front of women's magazines." Now she's happier! And, as the above clip from the Today show insinuates, more importantly: Married! And she has a new book: Up For Renewal: What Magazines Taught Me About Love, Sex, and Starting Over. Why did Cathy think Cosmopolitan, Glamour and In Style would help her to cope?

It was the decision to do something, to get myself out of the rut I was in. I had had enough and was supremely unhappy. You get advice from everybody anyway, why not women's magazines? It would have been great to live in Italy and Indonesia and India for a year, like Eat Pray Love, but I spent $144 on my subscriptions. It was an affordable, doable and really relatable idea. Magazines have millions of subscribers and I think there's a real common thread for the women reading them, which is the sense of possibility.

And she's right! Without Allure, we would not know how to shower. Without Glamour, we would not know how best to sexually harraass a coworker and shag him on a desk. Without Elle, we'd never know that $5,000 bags are for hiding genitalia. Without Marie Claire, we'd never know that high noon in the desert is an appropriate place for a $13,000 evening gown. Thanks, magazines! And congrats, Cathy. You actually seemed really happy on the Today show this morning. But just so we're clear: The message is not that women's magazines saved your life, but that deciding to save your life saved your life, right?

How 365 Days Of Cosmo Advice Saved My Life [Globe And Mail]

Photoshop Of Horrors

Dodai — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:40:00 EDT

This item about Scarlett Johansson on the cover of Cosmo focuses on her waist. Specifically: The waist the magazine's art department whittled for her. Is ScarJo curvy? Yes! Does she have, as seen here, a waist that is only a smidge wider than her neck? No. And we know this because M. LeBlanc at Bitch Ph.D. did the research. When seen "in the wild," Scarlett's midsection is that of a normal, fit human being. It's only on the cover of Cosmo that she takes on the dimensions of Betty Boop. Oh, and, as commenter TheGarlicSong pointed out, on this cover, her left arm is smaller and shorter than her right arm. WTF. (Click to enlarge.) [Bitch Ph.D.]

Cosmo's August 'Conversation Starter' Might Start Some Pretty Strange Conversations!

Moe — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:00:00 EDT

The new issue of Cosmo is here! And before we delved into what promises to be a riveting interview with Scarlett Johansson, we sated our thirst for "Conversation Starters," the monthly feature in which Cosmo editors offer up little tidbits of trivia that promise to "make you the most interesting person in the room — by far." Last month we learned about doga — yoga! for dogs! — and the contracts some brides-to-be are now dispensing to their bridesmaids prohibiting them from gaining weight. But this month…well, pushed the envelope just a bit further! Click for August's "perfect icebreaker"…

Yeah, that's right: RAPE! An endlessly thrilling topic, whatever the social context! Especially at the beach, I can totally see this playing out so well:

DUDE: Hey, hotness. The keg may be tapped, but I can show you a clothes dryer where a quarter-bottle of Malibu has our names engraved on them…

'COSMO' READER: Um, cool! So like, did you know, that if you slip something in my drink, I can totally find out if you had sex with my unconscious body the next day without having to drag the police into it?

Seriously though, rape should get talked about more, but it's odd to see Cosmo suggesting it's as simple and no-big-thang as, say, sticking a finger in his ass while you're in reverse cowgirl. But hey! Maybe I'm just old and rape is now so just so common it's lost its stigma as a discussion topic. How awesome would that be?

Cosmo

Reading Cosmo is Like Having Quinn Morgendorffer Stand On Your Neck

cheryl — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:30:00 EDT

Maybe it's the "beachy" weather. But something about this month's Cosmo blew out our enthusiasm clutches, making it suddenly difficult to type exclamation points or read anything in the magazine without hearing it in the voice of Daria. It's all Tracie's fault, for clipping the episode where Daria takes down the fictional Val magazine. You try watching it, only to sit down and read advice like "Invent a holiday that gives you an excuse to chow down on your favorite guilty pleasures, like First Friday Cookiefest, Cinco de Nachos, or Ice cream Brownie Sundays." (What, no pun with that?) Or how about: "Keep a set of beer mugs in your freezer. Never underestimate the amount of love and appreciation that an icy, frothed brew on a hot summer day inspires." Now, usually we'd be thinking "damn right I could use a beer right now!" But not today, probably because Daria was straightedge. After the jump, our inner Daria tries her hand at Cover Lies, and probably fails. To be honest, she doesn't particularly care.

MagHag

Jessica — Tue, 20 May 2008 12:45:00 EDT

What do you say to people who say Cosmopolitan is anti-feminist? The New York Review of Magazines asks EIC Kate White. "People from the outside usually judge Cosmo that way, but the reader never does. So many of our readers write in to tell us about how empowered they are. That's what matters." I guess empowering American women to be sexually erotic is of paramount virtue to Cosmo readers, as White adds, "Readers don't come to Cosmo to learn about the genital mutilation of women in the Third World." When asked about her forebear, Helen Gurley Brown, White admits that she never really read Cosmo when Brown was running the show, and that she feels no pressure to be like the former editor because "our reader doesn't care about the past. She's all about the here and now." As long as the here and now doesn't include mutilated genitals! [NYRM]

Cosmo Dares You To Drip Hot Candle Wax Down His "Back Door"

cheryl — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:40:00 EDT

We were SUPER scared when we saw the cover of this month's Cosmo. Not because that perfectly-centered pendant on Carmen Electra's chest looks like some sort of surveillance device planted by malevolent aliens! No, it was the word "sexy." Where is it? Aside from two instances in which it modifyies the words "hair" and "confidence," Cosmo's cover is starkly, notably, indisputably absent of the word "sex." What does mean? Is ita reflection on the chastened economy? The Hezbollah victory in Lebanon? We immediately flipped it open to find out. And mercifully enough, we were virtually BARRAGED with articles about S-E-X. One story suggested dripping hot candle wax down your boyfriend's asshole. Another said you should hide in a room with his phone, then call it, and surprise him by being NAKED when he comes to answer it. Cosmo had us thinking so dirty we were in the middle of a riveting story about how to use a curling iron when we started thinking sexily about ramming it up his "back door." Click the jump for more dirty thoughts!

Heroes' Sexy Kristen Bell Has The Handwriting Of A Hermit; Kidnapper

Anna — Fri, 02 May 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Just how many blondes are there on the show Heroes? And how many of them have been on the cover of Cosmopolitan over the past year? I don't know the answer to that first question — I've never watched the show — but as to the second, the answer is, three. (Someone at NBC primetime publicity is giving his/her bosses their money's worth.) In October, we saw Ali Larter; in April there was Hayden Panettiere; and now, come May, we've got Kristen Bell. The 28-year-old actress, like her predecessors, is not only subject to a short cover profile but the magazine's 'Cosmo Quiz', in which she fills out a questionnaire about her likes and dislikes... and gives us a reason have her handwriting analyzed by graphologist Sheila Kurtz. So how does Kristen come off? The short answer: she's extremely protective, ambitious, intuitive and decent. As for the long answer, well, all that's after the jump.

This writer may be a public personality, but this sample is block printed, the variety of handwriting that tries to keep people from gathering much revealing information from it. (Cursive reveals much more.) Block printing is the choice of ransom note writers for that reason. This writer is very reluctant to allow others to know her until she knows them rather well first.

Furthermore, there are no loops on y's, an indication of a person who may seem to enjoy the company of others, but is very happy, thank you, to be all alone.

The swollen "d" forms signal a person who is acutely conscious of self, and can be wounded by destructive criticism.

Add to this an occasional slant to the left, a sign of one who represses emotions. Mostly the writing is vertical, which indicate a lack of impulsiveness. This writer thinks first, and then takes an action. The straight down-stroke of the y's indicates the determination to make an action succeed.

The bars that cross the "t" stem are placed at the top of the stem, the indication of a person who ambitiously stretches to reach a treetop tall goal. The bars are also heavy, which signals that the writer has the drive (gumption) actually to reach the treetops.

There are umbrella-shaped t bars that indicate extra portions of self-control. The block printing makes it difficult to figure out what the writer has developed controls over. The usual reason to develop such hyper-control is to stifle a recurrent fear, such as stage-fright.

The tops of the "m" forms come very close to needle-points, the sign of a very speedy thinker. Add to this a well developed "gut" intuition that skips over the usual steps of logic to get to trusted conclusions. Intuition accelerates the thinking process and allows the writer to get a handle on other people without much delay. Although some of the answers in this sample may seem dumb, the writer isn't. Some rounded "m" tops indicate that the writer can also be methodical (when absolutely necessary) and there are "V" formation in the m's and n's that signal an analytical mind that will take the time to figure out what's actually what.

Fairly strong final endings to words indicate an ability to make decisions and short t stems signal an independent thinker who makes up her own mind from information she selects.

Clean o's (the middles are without marks or blotches) are a sign of good integrity. The writer lives in the "real" world and abides by most of its rules in a way that is not secretive or devious.

There is what graphologists call a "conscious gesture" —- in this case the z's in "quizzed" are crossed. The writer has either grown up in a European-based country or has adopted the crossed-z as a kind of educated stylistic embellishment.

Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]
Bell Of The Ball [Cosmopolitan]

Earlier: Dea Cosmo Girl Hayden "Heroes" Panettiere: "Better To Be The Turtle Than The Hare"
•Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"
•Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
•Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
•Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
•'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

The Cosmos

Moe — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:45:00 EDT

"10 Questions You Can't Ask Anyone" was the tantalizing Cosmo Girl!cover line that won our hard-earned $3.49 this month. The touted story is a Nancy Redd advice column that addresses the usual array of teen "ick!" topics — stretch marks, itchy asses, third nipples. (One in 20 women have one!) But then there was this one, uh, unexpected question that for some reason doesn't seem made up. (Click the pic to see.)

Well Isn't The Cosmo"Sexy Issue" Just A Sexy Breath Of Fresh Sexual Sexy Sex Air!

cheryl — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 16:30:00 EDT

Oh goody it's the Cosmo "Sexy Issue"! We've been waiting all year for Cosmo to finally address the underexplored topic of s-e-x. They address "sex" with classic Cosmo understatement, of course: "sex" appears in only six places on the cover, meaning the word "sex" itself represents a relatively restrained 7.5% of words on the cover, in much the way that you will really find the word "fuck" in no more than 10% of the words you read on the average Jezebel post. Anyway! The Sexy Issue is really a goldmine, starting with what may be the magazine's most ingenious yet use of food in a sex act — click to find out what it is! — and an engaging interview with actress Kristen Bell, who, like most other Cosmo cover subjects, stars in the television show Heroes. Click to see the May Cosmo as interpreted by "Cover Lies," in which we rewrite the mag covers to more accurately reflect the sexy content within.

How The Brazilian Explains The World

Moe — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:45:00 EDT

The May Cosmo is here! And it wouldn't be a Cosmo "Sexy Issue" if it didn't come equipped with a scintillating (or something-ating!) think piece on the numerous societal implications of the mass-acceptance of Brazilian waxing. No really! It's on page 233, but I'll summarize: Men of a certain age now expect you to be bald, no more hiding those genital warts either, genital plastic surgery is up 30%...actually, the thing is too awesome not to scan. Click the pic for my three personal favorite excerpts.

Historical context!

The end of pubic lice?

And the "Beyond Gross" Award Goes To...

Dear Cosmo Girl Hayden "Heroes" Panettiere: "Better To Be The Turtle Than The Hare"

Anna — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:20:00 EDT

It's almost spring, so it's probably fitting that Cosmopolitan has decided to put Heroes actress Hayden Panettiere on the cover of its April issue (right next to the words "SEX GENIUS" in 64-point type!). Not only is Panettiere a budding star — after she gets her first big, silver-screen role her handlers will no doubt go after the cover of the glossier, more respected Glamour — and a budding adult (she's just 18), but, according to graphologist Sheila Kurtz, she's got "buds of an imagination, but no apparent follow through." (Ouch?) After the jump, Kurtz weighs in on the actress' handwriting, as seen on the "Cosmo Quiz" accompanying Hayden's newly-released cover story.

The overall slant of this writing is moderately to the left, an indication of a person who is somewhat introverted. Unless the writer knows you fairly well, you won't get close. It appears that there is little stress shown in the writing, and it's likely that even if somebody gets too close too fast, the writer will fend off and not erupt.
Letters are rounded, the sign of a methodical thinker who likes to take time and does not like to be rushed. No fast deadlines for this writer or she will tend to get scattered in her pursuits.

Writer's goals are alternately high enough to stretch for and low enough to pick off the ground. There are signs of initiative (takes action without prompting by others).

Thinking can be accelerated somewhat by the writer's intuition (indicated by spaces between letters). This writer has learned to skip over many of the logical building blocks of thought and reach, almost mysteriously, a conclusion that turns out to work. The writer has come to trust this gut thinking. Nonetheless, if this writer starts thinking too fast, a lot of confusion results (intertwined lines) that slows everything down again. Better for this writer to be the turtle than pretend to be the hare.

There are buds of an imagination, but no apparent follow through.

Good attention to small details. The writer's usual approach to things is frank and very direct.

The writer probably works well (or could) with her hands, perhaps in the mechanical realms such as carpentry, pottery, glass blowing..

Lines and letters are pressed close together and the e formations are constricted, all indications of a mind with many preconceptions that clog up the arteries to new ideas.

There are also indications of a person who usually tells the truth (as most of us may see it) and is steadfast and loyal to people and institutions she believes in.

Earlier: Heroes' Hayden Panettiere Is An American Everywoman
Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"
Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

Related: Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]

Cosmo Reminds You To Bring The Bucket Of Ice Next Time You Have Sex

maria — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 16:20:00 EDT

It's time again for Cover Lies, wherein Cheryl and Maria rewrite the cover lines of major mass-market women's magazines to better reflect the content within. Not that you were considering actually buying "Cosmo"!

Back in high school, when our sexual experience was (um) limited, Cosmo was about the naughtiest thing one could read. It was a portal to urbane twenty-something maturity: sexual positions that no one understood, shots of men sans T-shirts, and secrets that "Guys Really Want You To Know!" Now, when we read Cosmo, it reminds us more of awkward teenage girls with hysterically low self-esteem. Guess the college education wasn't a total waste! Anyway, it's a good thing we weren't ever "fearless" or "fun" enough to actually try anything Cosmo recommends, because what they recommend this month is: running your tongue along the roof of your boyfriend's mouth while kissing! Bringing a "bucket of ice" out during sex! (And also: dry shampoo.) There's also a stab at humor with the "If Men Edited Cosmo" section. It reads surprisingly similar to what happens when women edit Cosmo! Have fearless fun, ladies!

Image created by Cheryl Campbell

MagHag

maria — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 12:40:00 EST

An unfortunate side-effect of working for Jezebel (besides the carpal tunnel, that is) is that we acquire enough issues of Cosmo to fill the waiting room of a third-rate day spa. But, while organizing my collection of ladymags, I noticed an image forming on the spine of my Cosmos. The picture is the bottom half of a man lying playfully on a bed, without his shirt (because they don't have enough half-naked men in the magazine to begin with!). Dodai wonders if anyone other than us (and beauty salons) are keeping the issues around long enough to see the image form. Tracie asks if the picture was of someone famous (perhaps "Fun, Fearless Male" John Mayer?). What do you think, European model or mildly famous male celebrity? Stock photo from the late '90s or Chad Michael Murray (he's still a thing, right) or both? Click on the photo to see a larger version.

Heroes' Hayden Panettiere Is An American Everywoman

Anna — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:00:00 EST

Even though Hayden Panettiere turned 18 last August, we're wondering, is the Heroes starlet a teenager or an adult? We ask only because Hayden is on the cover of three different Hearst girly magazines for April 2008: There's Cosmopolitan ("Fun • Fearless • Female"), which, according to demographics, has a medium reader age of 31.5. But Hayden is also on the cover of Seventeen ("It's Fun To Be Seventeen" — median reader age, 16.5), and that magazine's seasonal spin-off, Seventeen Prom (median age, um, Jessica McClintock?). Are we supposed to believe that both high school sophomores and career women in their thirties want to buy into what Hayden — and Hearst — is selling?* After the jump, we take a closer look at the differences in how Hayden is presented to the ladymag-loving public.

Seventeen

Appearance: Hayden's makeup is fresh, light, and appropriate for impressionable young kiddies: Light pink lips, just a hint of color on the cheeks. There is no visible cleavage, and, for the most part, her hair covers up her bare arms and armpits. Cover Lines: Talk about chaste! There's "cute" jewelry, "pretty" hair secrets and no mention of sex, save for "sexy [hair] cuts" and "The Kissing Disease No One Wants To Talk About!". And as for clothes, there's both a "free" tank top and hot celeb trends ("Under $20"). Cover Profile: Hayden expresses her love for Angelina Jolie, BFF Hilary Duff, explains her breakup with Laguna Beach's Stephen Colletti, talks about her love of shoes and gives advice on breakups. (Males, by the way, are referred to on the cover as "guys".)

Seventeen Prom

Appearance: Hayden shows more skin than on the magazine's namesake, including cleavage. Plus, there's a bit of cleavage, the Cosmo standard hand-on-hip, and a princess-y tiara set into her crispier-looking hair. Cover Lines: Not a lot of "sexy", but plenty of "amazing" "perfect" "pretty" and "best", as well as the chance to win a "free dress". As for guys, there is no mention of boys whatsoever, although their presence is implicit ("Sexy Shoes", "Your Best Prom Body (In Just Two Moves)"). Cover Profile: Written by the same author as the Seventeen profile, this story presents Hayden as just another prom-crazy secondary-schooler, explaining that her "biggest big night" was her prom, that she worries about who she should take to events as her date (um, we can think of one!), that her perfect prom date would be a "best girlfriend", and her own prom disaster story (a strap on her dress broke).

Cosmopolitan

Appearance: Standing before a va-va-va-voom red background, Hayden is shown with a lot more skin: visible cleavage, thigh and armpit. Lip and cheek colors are darker (does her slightly-larger parting of the lips indicate that she's been practicing the magazine's "Little Mouth Moves That Make Sex Hotter"?) Cover Lines: Where to start? This is definitely the slut's style guide. There's the aforementioned "Mouth Moves" — Question: Do "Mouth Moves" lend themselves to "Kissing Disease"? — the highly touted "Be A Sex Genius!", and all sorts of other suggestive words and phrases. Males are referred to as "men" as well as "guys", and there's no free tank tops here; readers can enter to win $10,000 and become "A Rich Bitch!". Cover Profile: Hayden, say Cosmo editors, is a "good bad girl" who wears sexy thigh-high boots to her interview, admits to drinking alcohol, and explains that every girl "likes feeling hot and sexy and beautiful and hearing it", does not want to be called "cute", and is "not as sweet as I look." Her heroines? Angelina, Natalie Portman and Meryl Streep. Also: There's no dishing on guys (like any seasoned, "serious", adult actress, she refuses talk about her personal life).

*Apparently, Seventeen and Cosmo have been trading female celebrity cover subjects for some time: Hayden, Rihanna, Ashlee Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Hilary Duff, Beyonce. What tends to be happen is that a starlet appears on Seventeen first, then on Cosmo a few months afterwards. How quickly these young ladies go from Swarovski-encrusted Sidekicks to Rabbit Habits!

Why New York Sucks

Moe — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:20:00 EST

The April Cosmo goes bar-hopping at some local dives and snaps photos of couples talking to submit them for body language analysis. This guy's body language revealed him to be the biggest player. Click on the pic to see. His face is blurred out, but seriously...

Ooooooh Mommy: Cosmo Said The "Jay-Jay" Word!

maria — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:30:00 EST

Yay! We are back with more Cover Lies! This month, Cosmo achieved the impossible. It made the slang term "Va-Jay-Jay" even more cringetacular! See, it's not okay to just emblazon the word "Vagina" really big on a magazine, because then all the blogs will write "Ha ha ha Cosmo said 'VADGE'" and set off a domino-effect of third grade humor. So we are glad Cosmo took the mature road by employing euphemisms like "lovely lady parts" and illustrating the vagina package — heh! — with photos of oranges and grapefruits and vinegar bottles ("Every chick has a different scent!") and E. coli under a microscope. Reading about my "V-zone" and what men think about when they masturbate (hint: sex) is like a trip down the self-hating, socially awkward, sexually misguided locker room years of early adolescence! Anyway, to that end, Cosmo's cover lines are great, but they do not do justice to the succulent fruit inside. Graphic design guru/Jezebel intern Cheryl Campbell and I update the cover lines, after the jump.

My Cosmo Advice: Why "Ask Him" When You Can Ask Me?

Moe — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:00:00 EST

Cosmo has a (seemingly new) advice column on its website called "Ask Him Anything", and though it may come as a shock to some, we kind of expected better from the ingenious magazine that brought us the cover line "Dirty Sexy Sex". But that's okay, because we were feeling service-y today and decided to re-answer some questions ourselves, starting with Should I Say Something About My Fears?:

The guy I'm seeing is incredibly well-endowed. I'm really nervous about sleeping with him; I'm afraid it will hurt. Should I say something about my fears?

Um, my first inclination is that if you tell this dude you are afraid of his dick you are going to be reenacting that scenario "Ohhhh I'm so scared your massive portion of manmeat is gonna hurty wurty my tight little child-gina" six months from now. But wait a second, how big is it that you have seen it, and yet have not put it inside you? My guess is if you have gotten naked with him and haven't, you know, done anything with his "member" and he hasn't acted like this was, like, weird at all, he knows what you're thinking and will be gentle. So drinking-game those nerves away and get fucking. Keep lube at the ready, but if you need it to get started, you're just not that into him. Which is just the thing: you're wasting time by worrying about this problem now. Down the road, if he's as big as you say, you'll have to deal with the fact that you both hate using condoms and that to blow him defies the Geneva Convention. So you'd better make some happy amorous memories while the relationship is still young and wet.

Why Did He Give Me His Business Card?

I met this boy at a party, and he seemed to be into me. He asked if he could give me his number and handed me his business card! What's up with that?

Uh, what's up with this question? You asked for his number, he gave you his business card. That way, you get his number, his email, his place of work, his title...it's like, hey lady! I'm giving you my business card because I want you to know how to stalk me! Not because I want to be stalked, but because after only a few minutes of talking to you, I not only trust that you're not a stalker, but am sufficiently interested to let you know what more about myself you can find out by me giving you this card. Look at it. Is it thin and maybe perforated and does it say I'm a "partner" or "managing director" in some company you've never heard of? Then I want you to know I'm a little eccentric and entrepreneurial and maybe work odd hours and wake up every day scared shitless of failure but hey, that's who I am and I'd be remiss not to share that with you. Is it heavy and embossed and does it read "Goldman Sachs"? Then I'm pretty fucking impressed with myself to a degree superseded only by the degree to which I want others to envy me, and that includes you, but hey at least I'm being honest about it. Is it purple or plastic and listing of a vague title like "brand heat operative"? Then I'm one of those guys who is going to talk about music and go to events a lot. Either way, I'm giving you my card with only one screening mechanism in mind: that you're not one of those girls I meet at a party who gets all pissy because I don't want to scramble while she adds my name to her phone. Dude, it's a party. What do you want my name occupying valuable flash memory in your phone for if you're looking for a lawyer when I'm an IT manager?

Why Does He Claim Not To Remember Our One Night Together?

A few weeks ago, I got really drunk with my best male friend. He confessed that he was attracted to me, and we ended up having sex. Now he is claiming that he was wasted and doesn't remember what he said, and he's been avoiding me. I just want things to go back to normal. What do you think I should do?

Ugh, I hate this. For one thing, he is lying, because when a person truly doesn't remember what happened when he was drunk and fucked his "best friend", he doesn't go and avoid the best friend because he doesn't know there is any reason to avoid her. Of course, that's another good reason God invented the "I don't remember anything I was drunk" excuse; so that people can go about their relationships like normal without having to submit to romantic comedy-perpetuated cultural mores such as "Sleeping with a good friend while drunk probably means there are unresolved feelings of True Love between me and good friend that would be scary to confront." But lying to you about not remembering and avoiding you simultaneously means the worst thing: he expects that you have succumbed to said romantic comedy cultural norms and that you, against all rational logic, feel there must be unresolved feelings of True Love between yourself and Mr. "I Can't Remember Why I'm Avoiding You." What a little jerk. Why are you friends with him anyway? Nevermind. Pretend you don't remember.

Should I Join Him In Playing Video Games? He Likes Them More Than He Likes Me...

My boyfriend just bought a PSP. Now it seems like he's dating his video games instead of me! Should I try to join in on his new hobby or tell him how I'm feeling?

Do you like video games? The curmudgeon in me says, fuck video games, go read Economist instead. But the self-loather in me thinks of this one time when I read the Economist and it said that women performed better in certain diagnostic testing after they played video games. I dunno. And meanwhile the hater in me thinks, wow, "he likes video games more than me" is probably the most pathetic statement I've heard in my life. Go buy yourself a new toy before you begin to project such intense self-pity it actually comes true.

Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"

Dodai — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:30:00 EST

Grammy-winner Rihanna is the March Cosmopolitan cover girl! Unfortunately, she shares the space with a huge pink VA-JAY-JAY. Poor thing. Her parents probably won't want to frame that. Anyway, the singer filled out the "Cosmo Quiz," writing that, if she wasn't a singer she'd love to be a pilot, and that her purse is filled with "a bunch of unnecessary shit." Just like us! But we wanted to delve deeper, so we sent her handwriting to graphology expert Sheila Kurtz, who determined that the 19-year-old (born Robyn Rihanna Fenty in Barbados) can be "solitary and self-involved" but also "outgoing" and "detail-oriented." More expert analysis, after the jump.

The slant of this writer's letters range from somewhat left to somewhat right, plus straight up and down. These slants indicate emotional moods that can range from solitary and self-involved, to un-impulsive and logical, to somewhat outgoing. One may never know from moment to moment which of those moods will dominate.
There are hooks at the beginning and ends of many letters including the lower case Ys and Fs. This is a writer who grasps to own things and once they're gotten they won't be let go without a terrible struggle.

The writer is a methodical, detail-oriented thinker who takes time with getting things right. Goals are set where they are easy for the writer to reach without much stretching.

There is tendency of this writer to make "gut" decisions, which is another way of saying intuition. Intuition speeds up the thinking of a methodical thinker so that the methodical thinker can compete with much faster thinkers. This writer uses intuition on occasion, but may not trust it entirely. In the same vein, this writer is sometimes open to new ideas, and sometimes preconceptions and fears clog the arteries of communication (narrowed loops in some Es).

Earlier: Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

Marc Jacobs: Blue Hair Is Not As Bad As A Bribery Scandal

Jennifer — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 11:30:00 EST

Poor Marc Jacobs. First the world calls him crazy, now he's caught up in a bribery scandal. Turns out that the superintendent of NYC's 69th Regiment Armory, where Jacobs' shows are held each season, demanded little cash prezzies upwards of $30,000 from Marc et al in order for him to grant them permission to show there. KCD, the PR firm that handles Marc Jacobs, is allegedly responsible for making the pay-offs. [WWD]
Meanwhile, Marc has invited K-Fed to sit front row at his show tomorrow night! [WWD, 2nd item]
Happy Birthday, Horrible Hagyness. [WWD, 5th item]
Fashion Week is bad for Chloe Sevigny's self-esteem, "Fashion week makes me feel very self-critical. Like I'm not wearing the right thing or looking the right way. It's stressful." [WWD, 9th item]

Samsonite creative director Quentin Mackay on why the company has tapped Chloe to collaborate on the design for the company's Black Label collection: "She has that vintage attitude. Her films are always off-the-cuff so it fits perfectly with the vintage modern feel. Design is always one step backwards, two steps forward." We think he meant that as a compliment, and yet... [Fashion Week Daily]
What do male models do when they're no longer male models? Why, they do quickie sketches of fashion shows, of course. Former model Blue Logan (and yes, we keep reading that as Blue Lagoon, too) sits in the front row and draws the crowds and as many of the looks as he can while the show goes on. Also, he owns a night club. [Vogue UK]
Ooh Amy Adams on the March cover of ELLE: Love. [Fashion Week Daily]
Actress Lindsay Price on why she loves Cosmo: "My parents never taught us about the birds and the bees. They sat us down to watch Blue Lagoon and assumed that would be how we learned about sex, but Cosmo came to the rescue." [Fashion Week Daily]
"I don't know anything cool that's going on!": Julia Restoin Roitfeld. [Fashion Week Daily]
Seriously, how is "Would you change your style for a man?" even a legit question to ask? [FabSugar]
Mazel Tov to Tommy Hilfiger on his engagement to girlfriend Dee Ocleppo. [Page Six]
Also to Alex von Furstenberg (son of Diane), who is engaged to firmly-legal girlfriend Ali Kay. [Page Six]
Victoria's Secret model Karolina Kurkova will be starring in the live-action movie of G.I. Joe. [Page Six]
First John Deere made tractors, now it's making jeans. [BrandWeek]
What a shocker: Children's sweatshirts made in China have been shown to have a defective pullstring that has been known to strangle children. [UPI]
Nicole Kidman's bathing suit: Now feeding entire impoverished villages. [NYT]

Chloe Sevigny Designs Luggage, Mocks Fashion

Jennifer — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:30:00 EST

Is there anything Chloe Sevigny can't do? Playing a polygamist's wife, designing a clothing line for Opening Ceremony, acting as style adviser to British ELLE, and now, designing hand-crafted steamer trunks for Samsonite. [WWD, sub req'd]
Sevigny reportedly laughed loudly and openly at last night's Miss Sixty show. From the front row, no less! [NY Mag]
Several models were burned by faulty lighting used during a shoot for Marc Bouwer last week. Says a rep for Bouwer, "No one knew the lamp was giving off that much heat until the shoot ended. If they had known, they would have stopped right away." [Page Six]
Fashion victim! A Cosmopolitan fashion editor is suing a slew of people, including Diane von Furstenberg, following the 2005 incident in which she was injured by falling lights from the fashion runway. [UPI]

The manager of an Abercrombie & Fitch store in Virginia Beach was ticketed by police for displaying overly "racy" A&F posters in the store. [UPI]
Adam Lippes, formerly the designer of AdamPlusEve and now head of his own eponymous collection, is taking on a design collection with Spanish-based chain Mango. The Adam for Mango collection will feature 15 looks each for men and women and will be in stores for the Spring 2009 season. [WWD, sub req'd]
Carla Bruni: Married to Nicolas Sarkozy while wearing Hermes. [WWD, 1st item]
"This is worse than the Stones concert in '72!" That would be photographer Mick Rock, on the ill-behaved crowds outside the Rock & Republic show on Saturday night. [WWD, 2nd item]
People will always need underwear: Hanesbrands' profits rose by 103.9% in the last quarter. [WWD, sub req'd]
The Prada party taking place Thursday night in New York is sounding more and more like cheap porn: The short film created by Prada, Trembled Blossoms, will be screened and rock band CocoRosie will perform. [Fashion Week Daily]
Have the designers at ThreeAsFour been reading Jezebel? The theme of their show this past weekend was "The good, the bad, and the beauty." [Fashion Week Daily]
Heidi Klum and I have similar feelings about Valentine's Day: "If you're only in love once a year, that would be very sad!" [Chic Report]
Costume designer Patricia Field on the look of the upcoming Sex and the City movie: "One might be dressing older, one might be dressing richer. There's always a blend of old and new because they don't change." [FabSugar]
Former congressman Harold Ford Jr.'s fiance Emily Threlkeld pays her bills by working in business development for Carolina Herrera. [Washington Post]

45 Ways To Seem Even More Clingy, And Other Things You'll Learn In This Month's Cosmo

maria — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 15:00:00 EST

If there's one thing we've learned in doing this blog, it's that you can't judge a ladymag by its cover. A cover touting a new diet tip can lead you to a story about a woman battling heart disease (True Story!) and we are pretty sure all those big numbers come from a fortune cookie, because we've never been able to fact-check them. After the jump, loyal Jezebelles Maria and Cheryl actually read Cosmo — haven't you always wanted to know how to use the power of body language to seem like a more understanding best friend? — and redesign the cover to more accurately reflect what's inside.

Thanks to Cheryl Campbell's help with all of our images!

Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"

Moe — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:00:00 EST

Katherine Heigl didn't seem to take the "Cosmo Quiz" — the written Q&A actresses are forced to take to qualify as a Cosmopolitan cover subject — very seriously. For most of the questions, such as "I think it's sexy when a guy..." and, "My favorite male co-star has been..." she circled all five multiple choice options the magazine's editors provided. Um, did they not teach you the difference between superior and superlative in America's Sweetheart preparatory academy, Katie? Or is it just because you don't take many things that seriously at all? (Here's Katie regarding her dis on Isiah Washington: "You can't give me too much credit for being brave. I was just a girl who had had a couple of drinks and was angry and got mouthy. I really did think if would fuck me.") We'll leave the handwriting-shrinking to our inimitable penmanship analyst Sheila Kurtz, who sees a great many admirable qualities — and perhaps a few stray self-destructive ones? — in Katie's answers to such questions as "I am sometimes mistaken for..." (A: "myself...that's awkward"!)

The writer is a person with an outstanding, vivid, full and fascinating imagination that affects every facet of her life. Her imagination is so large and potentially life altering that it can balloon in on and at times confuse and scatter every other part of her life. Her imagination is indicated by the fine and full lower loops of her "y" and "g" formations.

She likes to get involved with a lot of things, people, new scenes, new acquaintances. Change and variety are her emotional by-words.

Her personal pronoun "I" is a plain, simple straight up and down line, a sign of a person who is totally direct within herself and with most others, and who refuses to waste time with convoluted crap.

Her goals are very practical (the t bars cross at the middle of her t stems) and reachable with her ability and spirit.

Now and then there is a strain of introspection in her behavior (a few letters and words slant to the left). She can be entirely into herself at times, despite how outgoing she may otherwise appear. She is not as easy to get to know as some might think she is. Her "e" formations are fairly open, which signals a person who allows new ideas in and does not strain too many out because of preconceptions.

She is a methodical thinker (rounded "m" and "n" tops) which means she comes to conclusions based on a steady series of logical steps. This is a slow process, and she has developed a strong and trusted intuition, which allows her to reach conclusions by skipping steps and come to a "gut" decision that is fast enough to keep up with many others.

There is a delightful harmony and rhythm in her script which indicates a graceful and appealing mind.

Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]

Earlier: Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
Cosmo Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted
Cosmo Cover Girl Jessica Alba: Emotionally Unavailable, Intuitive, Creatively-Unfulfilled

This is the teaser from the latest issue ...

Moe — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:30:38 EST

This is the teaser from the latest issue of Cosmo's "Red Hot Read," an excerpt from the book Strong & Sexy by Jill Shalvis. (page 214). I'm just trying to figure out how you could make this sentence even more hot. Maybe if you added the phrase "Skinny Cow"? Or if, instead, the ice cream dripped down into the crevice between his penis and the scrunchie she'd tied around it?

Cosmo Editor: "My Sense Of A Good Cover Is If I Want To Lick It"

dodai — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 12:00:00 EST

A thorough piece in today's WWD is chock-full of juicy nuggets about how magazine editors create a cover that will inspire you, a potential reader, to spend your hard-earned cash on their efforts. In the '80s, Dick Stolley, founding editor of People, created "Stolley's Law Of Covers", which you already know, even if you don't know you know: "Young is better than old. Pretty is better than ugly. Rich is better than poor. Movies are better than music. Music is better than television. Television is better than sports... And anything is better than politics." Kind of like looking for a date! Of course, what works for each magazine is slightly different. For Cosmopolitan, the young lady on the cover had better get "the girls" out. "It's not about big breasts like it used to be. It's just about showing off your breasts, whether they're double As or whatever," says editor in chief Kate White. Hear that, IBTC? You, too, can be on Cosmo! (And if you look at a gallery of Cosmo covers, and you'll see almost all of the women are touching one thigh, directing attention "down there." My crotch! Let me show you it!)

Over at Men's Health, however, the dudes are covering up. In 2004, half the covers featured shirtless guys; in 2007 there was only one bare-chested man. For Allure, it's all about the best tressed. "Not only abundant hair, but the blowing hair is good for us," says editor Linda Wells. "The worst thing we can do is a really tight, pulled-back style or a hat." And over at Seventeen, some kind of flair is like, totally what a girl wants: "Every cover has to have the doodad," says editor Ann Shoket. "That is, a piece of jewelry... or something that catches your eye." But the person — or personality — on the cover is a big deal as well. Kate White says Cosmo's perfect model is "Someone that you'd love to drive cross country with, you're not going to end up arrested with and with whom you're not going to get bored." Hmm, makes sense that Ms. Lohan was a choice. And Ms. White finds a great cover uh, satisfying. "My sense of a good cover that will sell well is if I want to lick it," she says. "And the Beyoncé [December 2007] cover I licked several times... Before the sun came up." Hey, at least the woman loves her job?

The Science of Covers: Celebs, Cleavage and Sparkle [WWD]

Now up on Cosmopolitan's website: "Have you ...

Anna — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 10:45:00 EST

Now up on Cosmopolitan's website: "Have you ever been embarrassed by your breasts?" Love that Cosmo! Always so adept at creating insecurities women didn't know they were supposed to have! [Cosmopolitan]

Most Ladymags Continuing To Experience Whiteout Conditions

dodai — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 14:00:00 EST

January is traditionally the month in which the fashion magazines are slimmer than usual. Not the models — the actual publications. In the post-holiday issues, advertising pages are down, and compared to December, it's a slow month in terms of projects, news and celebrities. So often, January is the month you'll find a person of color on the cover! And lo and behold, Rihanna is on Allure, looking gorgeous. (Christina Aguilera is on Marie Claire.) Our own Maria-Mercedes Lara did a tireless search through the January issues of W, Harper's Bazaar, Vogue, Marie Claire, Allure, Glamour, Lucky, Elle and Cosmopolitan, looking for women of color (she uses "ambiguous race" to describe models clearly not meant to be seen as "white.") Her tallies, after the jump.

Women Of Color In The January Fashion Magazines:

W :
Total number of ads: 30
Total number of black women: 2 (1 celebrity; 1 young girl for Marc Jacobs)
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 1

Total number of fashion spreads: 2
Total number of black women: 0
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

InStyle:
Total number of ads: 61
Total number of black women: 4 (no celebs)
Total number of Asian women: 1
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Total number of fashion spreads: 0 (not counting Katie Holmes)
Total number of black women: 0
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Allure:
Total number of ads: 50
Total number of black women: 5 (3 celebrities)
Total number of Asian women: 1 (a "real woman" for Proactiv)
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 2 (1 celebrity)

Total number of fashion spreads: 1
Total number of black women: 0 (but Rihanna is on the cover!)
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Vogue:
Total number of ads: 54
Total number of black women: 8 (3 celebrities)
Total number of Asian women: 1 (1 celebrity)
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 1

Total number of fashion spreads: 3
Total number of black women: 1 (Chanel Iman, in the accessories spread)
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Harper's Bazaar:
Total number of ads: 29
Total number of black women: 1 (1 celebrity)
Total number of Asian women: 1 (1 celebrity)
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 2

Total number of fashion spreads: 3
Total number of black women: 1 (Liya Kebede, in an actual fashion spread!)
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Elle:
Total number of ads: 49
Total number of black women: 2
Total number of Asian women: 1
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 1

Total number of fashion spreads: 3
Total number of black women: 0
Total number of Asian women: 1 (Miss Universe, Riyo Mori)
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Lucky:
Total number of ads: 43
Total number of black women: 5 (1 celebrity, 1 "real woman")
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Total number of fashion spreads: 1
Total number of black women: 0
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Cosmopolitan:
Total number of ads: 59
Total number of black women: 5 (1 "real woman")
Total number of Asian women: 2 (1 "real woman")
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Total number of fashion spreads: 1
Total number of black women: 0
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Marie Claire:
Total number of ads: 31
Total number of black women: 5 (1 "real woman")
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 2 (1 "real woman")

Total number of fashion spreads: 2
Total number of black women: 0
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Glamour:
Total number of ads: 46
Total number of black women: 6 (2 celebrities)
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 1 (Jessica Alba?)

Total number of fashion spreads: 3
Total number of black women: 0
Total number of Asian women: 0
Total number of women of ambiguous race: 0

Even though January is a slow month, there are many zeroes in the tally above. Non-white models exist! You just won't see them in today's mainstream fashion magazines — despite the fact that black models worked constantly the '80s and '90s. Advertisers know who's out there spending cash, so they attempt to show diversity in their images. But the editors still seem to think that being non-white is "unfashionable." (But guess what? Black men are totally cool and cover-appropriate!) How long are we going to look for black, Latina and Asian models? As long as the billion dollar fashion industry continues to be so blatantly color-blind.

Earlier: Merry Christmas, Black Models, Wherever You Are
Where Are All The Black Models? Let's Start By Asking Anna Wintour
Is Prada To Blame For the Lack Of Black Models?
We're Still Looking For Black Models
Men's Vogue: Not Afraid Of Black People
What's The Message Behind A Black Man In Heels On The Cover Of Vogue?

From the mailbag: Cosmo wants to know what ...

Jessica — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:40:00 EST

From the mailbag: Cosmo wants to know what dudes think about when they masturbate. Dear Cosmo: Porn. [Cosmopolitan]

This Week, We Learned How To Be On Top

Jessica — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 18:40:00 EST

Slut Machine faithfully live-blogged the lackluster Top Model finale.
Newly crowned ANTM winner Saleisha taught us that to be on top, you have to be up Tyra's bottom.
Janice Dickinson called Tyra's bottom fat.
You know who didn't teach us about going up the butt? Lame dudes in Cosmo.
But Cosmo did tell us about getting things stuck in uh, other uncomfortable places.
Speaking of uncomfortable places! We discussed stirrup etiquette.
We also went over necessary topics that make some people uncomfortable, including Michelle Obama's skin color, Jamie Leigh Jones's rape, and the murder of 16-year-old Aqsa Parvez.
But we laughed over some hilarrrious pictures of drunk dudes!

Reader Roundup

Jessica — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:30:00 EST

Best Comment of the Day, in response to Dude Calls Bullshit On Cosmo's Dude Decoding: "Reading Cosmo for advice on men is like asking a nun for sex tips." We say: Sister Mary Pat doesn't know about mattress moves? You don't say! • Worst, in response to Jennifer Love Hewitt Carries Big Box, Head High: "no way in hell is she a size two, but that doesn't mean her bod looks bad... there was this bitch in my grade, who use to say she looked like j-love (yeah, if j-love got hit by a mac truck). saw some pics of said bitch on facebook— holy shit she REALLY does look like her now. poor love-hew-it must suck to lose yr looks." We say: did you rip this screed out of your burn book?

Dude Calls Bullshit On Cosmo's Dude Decoding

dodai — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 12:00:00 EST

Over on testosterone-fuled blog DoubleViking, Kevin Palmer has written a piece called "Lies Cosmo Tells Women." You see,Cosmopolitan has a dude-decoding feature, "Understanding His Baffling Behavior," which explains why men do what they do, and in his piece, Palmer, an actual man, corrects the magazine's editors, laying out the truth. For instance: Why do guys always sit with their legs splayed? Cosmo says women are taught to keep their legs together as a way of not inviting sex. Notes Helen Fisher, PhD, "In contrast, a man is saying, 'Come and get it.'" Palmer's argument? "It is a comfort factor, are we supposed to sit there with our legs crossed or tightly put together with our hands placed upon our knees? That isn't comfortable." Huh. We thought it was because the menfolk like to keep air flowing around the junk area! Fascinating! So, hey, why do guys hardly ever change their sheets?

"Men have a weaker sense of smell," Fisher explains. "Guys aren't as likely to notice... that they're snoozing in stinky sheets." [Ask my ex boyfriend. -Ed.] That's not it, Palmer claims. Men are plain old lazy! He writes: "Do you know how much a pain in the ass it is to put that fitted sheet on?" Well here's one we agree on! And, for the record, not all women change their sheets all the damn time. Although maybe today we will, now that we're thinking about it.

As for why guys assume that other guys they don't really know are losers, Cosmo posits that it's a caveman thing, i.e. anyone not in the inner circle is the enemy. And a threat. Grr! Palmer calls bullshit on that too. "Guys don't do constant evaluation of other guys, unless we are sizing them up for fighting purposes. This is a feminine trait, and stating that we think in the same manner is false." Feminine trait? Hmm, not sure about that. But also, aren't guys who think strangers are losers just projecting? As for why men prefer women to be on top (Cosmo says "Pleasing you is a priority," Palmer says guys "would rather bring you to orgasm with you not leading the way... Sitting there and letting you use us like a chair-mounted dildo detracts from the ego boost."). We think, top or bottom, isn't the guy just thankful to be getting laid? Lastly, to answer the question "Why do guys need to win at everything?" (Cosmo blames testosterone, Palmer blames "No Fear" T-shirts) — we'd like to ask: Who likes to lose? And since when is it gender-specific? Also: Why doesn't Cosmo hire a man to decode dudes?

Lies Cosmo Tells Women [Double Viking]

Related: Pointless Banter [Kevin Palmer]

Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks

Anna — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 14:30:00 EST

Happy (early) New Year! For its January issue, Cosmopolitan interviews singer/actress Hilary Duff, who talks about her hockey player boyfriend, becoming an adult, and how obsessing about weight just leads to unhappiness. (Something we could all do well to remember.) Not exactly enticing stuff, to be sure, but, as usual, there's another begging-to-be-analyzed, accompanying handwritten "Cosmo Quiz" alongside Hilary's profile. After the jump, graphologist Sheila Kurtz takes a look at the starlet's handwriting so we can better "understand" the young woman behind the lavender Gaultier halter-top dress.

The slant of this writer's handwriting is basically straight up and down, an indication that she thinks first and acts later, at least most of the time. Yet there are times when the slant is somewhat to the left (introverted and little sharing of deepest feelings) and to the right (responsive emotionally). There is an immaturity about the inconsistency of the writing that is probably because she is so young (just 20).

Her printing indicates she wants to be understood clearly by others, and the printing (rather than cursive) is her way of doing that. But at times her writing intertwines with letters above and below, which indicates a tendency to occasional confusion.

She is very intuitive (she jumps over several steps of logical reasoning to come to trustworthy conclusions) which speeds up her naturally methodical method of thinking. She is not a deep prober; she takes matters as they are and deals with them, much of the time with "gut" instincts.

The straight down-strokes of the "y" formation indicate that she is essentially a "loner" who, while she can be with others, actually prefers to be alone.

Her goals are very practical, and she sets them where she knows she can reach them. She has no particular interest in stretching for pie in the sky, nor does she take the easiest way out.

The close, round dots over her letters "i" indicate both loyalty (not that often seen) and strict attention to details. She holds on tightly to what she believes in (see final hooks on the "f's" of her last name) but not to the point of stubbornness; she is open-mined and will allow new ideas into her mind without hindrance by preconceptions.

She is very direct and does not like to waste time (no wind-up strokes on any letters).

Now and then you see a partly formed lower loop on her "g" formations, a sign that she has the ability to generate creative ideas, but seldom follows entirely through with them.

She has the ability to speak expressively, but more significantly she knows how to listen, which is probably a key to her early success.

Earlier: Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
Cosmo Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted
Cosmo Cover Girl Jessica Alba: Emotionally Unavailable, Intuitive, Creatively-Unfulfilled