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New York, 12:10 AM
Wed Dec 9
67 posts in the last 24 hours

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    Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×
    Image of sequined sequined
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    Right hand privilege, Jezeditors! What if you man's LEFT HAND is the problem?
     Reply
    sequined was starred sequined was unstarred
    Image of hatey hatey
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    Jason Mojica is actually a prize of a man, Jezebel. I know from experience.
     Reply
    hatey was starred hatey was unstarred
    Image of NoelleBlue NoelleBlue
    12/08/09

    @hatey: as hilariously bad as Cosmo is, I actually wasn't offended by that comment... it's silly and goofy, but in a fun, "sex is fun! Yay!" sort of way.

    So I can believe it, that this guy ain't so bad!
     Reply
    NoelleBlue was starred NoelleBlue was unstarred
    Image of Margaret Margaret
    12/08/09

    @NoelleBlue: Oh, I didn't find it offensive, just weird. If he's a real person, not a Cosmo editor, I imagine he's a sweet but odd dude.
     Reply
    Margaret was starred Margaret was unstarred
    Image of NoelleBlue NoelleBlue
    12/08/09

    @Margaret: DARIA!

    Sorry. *cough* (Is that show on DVD yet?)

    It is weird! Strange lady mag articles need 'tone of voice' markers so we know whether this was said goofily, creepily, or, indeed, by an enterprising editor.
     Reply
    NoelleBlue was starred NoelleBlue was unstarred
    Image of Bunsen Honeydew Bunsen Honeydew
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    It's like Amanda Bynes is a paper doll, and they just attached a new and different hair style to her. From a different paper doll, with different colored fold tabs, so the hair doesn't quite fit.
     Reply
    Bunsen Honeydew was starred Bunsen Honeydew was unstarred
    Image of Evie Havok Evie Havok
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    Why is Amanda Bynes even on the cover (as much as I like her she really hasn't done much)? She hasn't done anything for at least three years. The last thing she did was She's the Man.
     Reply
    Evie Havok was starred Evie Havok was unstarred
    Image of Scout Scout
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    I have BF Goodrich All-Terrain T/A Km tread lining my vagina.

    so there.
     Reply
    Scout was starred Scout was unstarred
    Image of BaconCat BaconCat
    12/08/09

    @Scout: where are you going that you need an all-weather vagina?
     Reply
    BaconCat was starred BaconCat was unstarred
    Image of Scout Scout
    12/08/09

    @BaconCat: the vagina has its own weather system
     Reply
    Scout was starred Scout was unstarred
    Image of BaconCat BaconCat
    12/08/09

    @Scout: Luckily, men's penii have all-wheel drive and traction control.
     Reply
    BaconCat was starred BaconCat was unstarred
    Image of Scout Scout
    12/08/09

    @BaconCat: for the love of science! i wish...

    something is happening to this thread

    (or maybe it is just me)
     Reply
    Scout was starred Scout was unstarred
    Image of BaconCat BaconCat
    12/08/09

    @Scout: The warrantees suck though. they don't cover the powertrain.
     Reply
    BaconCat was starred BaconCat was unstarred
    Image of DutchessOfDork DutchessOfDork
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    What the hell happened to Amanda Bynes?
    Her head looks like it was planted on another body. She's a gorgeous woman, WTF?
     Reply
    DutchessOfDork was starred DutchessOfDork was unstarred
    Image of phantom lady phantom lady
    12/08/09

    @DutchessOfDork: it looks like those stands where you stick your head through a cutout so it looks like you are at the beach.
     Reply
    phantom lady was starred phantom lady was unstarred
    Image of TurtleSpeak TurtleSpeak
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    What a load of shit. I masturbate at least once every day and it's never hurt my sex life.
    But I'm a chick so maybe it doesn't apply?
     Reply
    TurtleSpeak was starred TurtleSpeak was unstarred
    Image of thePrototype thePrototype
    12/08/09

    @TurtleSpeak: Do they consider once a day chronic? I would maybe consider 5+ times a day, but even then as long as the person isn't late to appointments and work who cares?
     Reply
    TurtleSpeak promoted this comment thePrototype was starred thePrototype was unstarred
    Image of TurtleSpeak TurtleSpeak
    12/08/09

    @thePrototype: I guess 5+ times a day could be problem. But for many more important reasons than hurting my sex life...
     Reply
    TurtleSpeak was starred TurtleSpeak was unstarred
    Image of NewsBunny NewsBunny
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    My husband is unmployed. He is attempting to re-arrange furniture; launching massive home improvement projects that involve ripping half the floor tiles out of my kitchen; building model airplanes; suddenly taking an interest in grocery shopping; going to Costco UNSUPERVISED and coming home with giant vats of laundry detergent and TWO giant vats of diswasher detergent.

    Masturbation? Masturbation would be a WONDERFUL way to keep him occupied. Perhaps I'll leave a few suggestive tabs open on this monitor.

    It's only been six weeks of unemployment. I may murder him.

    He attempted to play the Macarena today while doing Step Three of his kitchen tile project. I ran into the kitchen and said THIS CROSSES THE LINE.

    I'm sending up a flare. Can anyone see it? Can you help me?
     Reply
    NewsBunny was starred NewsBunny was unstarred
    Image of NewsBunny NewsBunny
    12/08/09

    @NewsBunny: By the way, his being home all the time really cuts in on my masturbation time with Don Draper and Jimmy Mc-Nulty.
     Reply
    NewsBunny was starred NewsBunny was unstarred
    Image of thepragmatist thepragmatist
    12/08/09

    @NewsBunny: My husband just recently started working again after a full year of unemployment.

    He trained our cats to do tricks. Do you know how hard it is to train cats????
     Reply
    Katxyz promoted this comment thepragmatist was starred thepragmatist was unstarred
    Image of MediasBlue MediasBlue
    12/08/09

    @NewsBunny: I can't help, but I can sympathize.

    Mine is currently unemployed and at Costco as we speak (as we read?). I'm loving the laundry, dishes, and cooking, but fearing the shopping.

    Perhaps we could have husband play dates? Of course, that could result in more remodeling and groups of men at Costco...
     Reply
    MediasBlue was starred MediasBlue was unstarred
    Image of awinoforever awinoforever
    12/08/09

    @NewsBunny: Oh man does this remind me of my mom's stories about my dad when he was unemployed for the first half of 2009. "Honey, you don't understand. He is driving me crazy. If I have to cull through one more massive Home Depot purchase and remind him that we just redid the basement entertainment system and we don't need to mount any more speakers or memorabilia I'm going to snap! I liked it better whan he was staying late at the office!"
     Reply
    Alys Brangwin has a huge talent promoted this comment awinoforever was starred awinoforever was unstarred
    Image of Katxyz Katxyz
    12/08/09

    @thepragmatist:

    Your husband is a hell of a lot more productive with his free time than I could ever hope to be. I hope you aren't complaining!
     Reply
    Katxyz was starred Katxyz was unstarred
    Image of thepragmatist thepragmatist
    12/08/09

    @Katxyz: Not complaining at all - I just wish he had trained them to use the toilets. Now THAT is a useful trick.
     Reply
    thepragmatist was starred thepragmatist was unstarred
    Image of NewsBunny NewsBunny
    12/08/09

    @MediasBlue: No, playdates are good. They could go to dork movies. Does your husband like dork movies?

    Message me.
     Reply
    NewsBunny was starred NewsBunny was unstarred
    Image of morninggloria morninggloria
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

    So now it seems that Cosmo is encouraging its readers to behave like a scary girl used for comic relief in the next installment of the American Pie franchise.
     Reply
    morninggloria was starred morninggloria was unstarred
    Image of JerseyGrrrl JerseyGrrrl
    12/08/09

    @morninggloria: That character did seem to have the healthiest outlook on sex in the movie. But I guess that's not saying much, is it?
     Reply
    JerseyGrrrl was starred JerseyGrrrl was unstarred
    Image of Tchotchke Tchotchke
    12/08/09

    @morninggloria: See below for my experience with this move. It's a disaster. Always.
     Reply
    Tchotchke was starred Tchotchke was unstarred
    Image of Bitcherina Bitcherina
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    You just slip a thumb in his bum, hon
    Pour wax on his sac, Jack
    You don’t need to be twee, Lee
    Just bring your scrunchie

    Have sex with your boss, Joss
    You don’t need be cross, Ross!
    Just cuff him up quick, Nick
    And make yourself sexyyyy!
     Reply
    funzette promoted this comment Edited by Bitcherina at 12/08/09 2:26 PM Bitcherina was starred Bitcherina was unstarred
    Image of token_illiterate_commenter token_illiterate_commenter
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    If a guy is home alone and bored he's going to masturbate no matter how good his love life is. What do you want him to do? Scrapbook?
     Reply
    token_illiterate_commenter was starred token_illiterate_commenter was unstarred
    Image of winner winner
    12/08/09

    @token_illiterate_commenter: Masturbate all you want, so long as those dishes are done by the time I get home.
     Reply
    winner was starred winner was unstarred
    Image of BaconCat BaconCat
    12/08/09

    @token_illiterate_commenter: This article was so boring i beat off three times before i got to the - oop, four times- comment section.
     Reply
    BaconCat was starred BaconCat was unstarred
    Image of rmric0.wedding.photographer.and.manny rmric0.wedding.photographer.and.manny
    12/08/09

    @token_illiterate_commenter: And if he does make a scrap book he'll probably just masturbate to it.
     Reply
    rmric0.wedding.photographer.and.manny was starred rmric0.wedding.photographer.and.manny was unstarred
    Image of token_illiterate_commenter token_illiterate_commenter
    12/08/09

    @winner: Honey, is that you?
     Reply
    token_illiterate_commenter was starred token_illiterate_commenter was unstarred
    Image of Scout Scout
    12/08/09

    @rmric0.wedding.photographer.and.manny: they already make "scrapbooks" for guys - they go by the names of Penthouse, Cheri, Barely Legal, Hustler, Playboy et al
     Reply
    Scout was starred Scout was unstarred
    Image of Tchotchke Tchotchke
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    Ok, true story: Once when I was drunk, I pulled my then-boyfriend's (leather) belt from his pants and used a bit too much force because the belt whipped back and hit him in the penis. It was awful at the time, now in light of this article, I consider it funny and a good warning.
     Reply
    Tchotchke was starred Tchotchke was unstarred
    Image of funzette funzette
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    Vagina: Hello, HAND. Do you read me, HAND?
    HAND: Affirmative, Vagina. I read you.
    Vagina: Unzip my boyfriend's fly, HAND.
    HAND: I'm sorry, Vagina. I'm afraid I can't do that.
    Vagina: What's the problem?
    HAND: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
    Vagina: What are you talking about, HAND?
    HAND: Our masturbation is too important for us to allow you to jeopardize it with your frictionless abyss.
    Vagina: I don't know what you're talking about, HAND.
    HAL: I know that you and the boyfriend were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
    Vagina: Where the hell'd you get that idea, HAND?
    HAND: Vagina, although you took very thorough precautions against my hearing you, I found your Cosmo on the floor.
    Vagina: Alright, HAND. I'll go in through the hole in the boxers.
    HAND: Without your birth control and condoms, Vagina, you're going to find that rather difficult. Vagina, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Your boyfriend and I have a date now. Goodbye.
     Reply
    funzette was starred funzette was unstarred
    Image of ImperfectLit.Woman ImperfectLit.Woman
    12/08/09

    @funzette: Slow clap.Amazing and hilarious and what I wouldn't pay to hear that convo in action.
     Reply
    ImperfectLit.Woman was starred ImperfectLit.Woman was unstarred
    Image of TransFat TransFat
    12/08/09

    @funzette: Open the pod bay doors HAND!
     Reply
    TransFat was starred TransFat was unstarred
    Image of NewsBunny NewsBunny
    12/08/09

    @funzette: I heart you.
     Reply
    NewsBunny was starred NewsBunny was unstarred
    Image of winner winner
    12/08/09

    @ImperfectLit.Woman: My favorite part was when "HAND" called "Vagina" a frictionless abyss! Oh that HAND!
     Reply
    winner was starred winner was unstarred
    Image of funzette funzette
    12/08/09

    @winner: Look, Winner, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
     Reply
    funzette was starred funzette was unstarred
    Image of PaigeTurner PaigeTurner
    12/08/09

    @funzette: Amazing!
     Reply
    PaigeTurner was starred PaigeTurner was unstarred
    Image of winner winner
    12/08/09

    @funzette: Sing it for me, Funzette.
     Reply
    winner was starred winner was unstarred
    Image of ImperfectLit.Woman ImperfectLit.Woman
    12/08/09

    @winner: I loved the last part myself.
     Reply
    ImperfectLit.Woman was starred ImperfectLit.Woman was unstarred
    Image of curiousgeorgiana curiousgeorgiana
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    Hoo-Ha Handbook: Get a Healthy Sexy Vagina.

    So I should put my vagina on a low carb diet and buy her a push-up bra?
     Reply
    curiousgeorgiana was starred curiousgeorgiana was unstarred
    Image of badmutha badmutha
    12/08/09

    @curiousgeorgiana: One word sister: scrunchies.
     Reply
    badmutha was starred badmutha was unstarred
    Image of sydbarrettsaves, emissary of hell sydbarrettsaves, emissary of hell
    12/08/09

    In reply to Cosmo's 50 Ways To Scare Your Lover
    That wrist flicking sounds dangerous.
     Reply
    sydbarrettsaves, emissary of hell was starred sydbarrettsaves, emissary of hell was unstarred
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