Jezebel: Cosmo

MagHag

Tracie — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:45:00 EDT

Kate Hudson is apparently on the October cover of Cosmo, which hits newsstands on September 9, and this is the alleged image of the cover that's been making the rounds on the internet today. It looks more like a cereal box than a magazine. We're thinking that this can't possibly be the real thing because 1) it doesn't have a bar code and 2) Cosmo editors never allow Kate's arm to look so meaty. However, they did manage to get the word "sexy" into the very brief cover line. You be the judge. (Click image for larger version.) [ONTD]

Not Much Has Changed: The Faces In September Ladymags Are Overwhelmingly White

Maria — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:30:00 EDT

Nothing quite says "It's August" like sifting through the pounds and pounds of perfume-scented and white-washed pages from the September issues of the major women's magazines. Sure, Italian Vogue came out with an "All Black" issue in July, but even that success probably won't motivate the editors of American women's magazines into showing a little diversity, especially if the September issues are any indication. After the jump, check out our roundup of the models of color in the ads and fashion spreads of the September ladymags, where, not surprisingly, Asian models are scarce, black models sell cleaning products, and Caucasians rule.

(Models were counted as being "ambiguous/mixed race" if we weren't sure what race they are (like the Kate Spade ads where the model was covered up), they were obviously of mixed race (Kimora Lee Simmons—still starring in her own ads!), or a non-European Hispanic woman.)

Here are the results:

Lucky:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 2 (2 celebrity/non-models)
• Total Black models: 16 (4 celebrity/non-models)
• Total White models: 109 (11 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 16 (4 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 143
TOTAL ADS: 151

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Black models: 0
• Total White models: 5
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 1

TOTAL MODELS: 6
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 3

Cosmopolitan:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 15 (7 celebrity/non-models)
• Total White models: 80 (12 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 9 (2 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 104
TOTAL ADS: 109

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 0
• Total White models: 2 (1 celebrity/non-model)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 0

TOTAL MODELS: 2
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 2

Glamour:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 2 (1 celebrity/non-model)
• Total Black models: 14 (4 celebrity/non-models)
• Total White models: 91 (12 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 10 (2 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 117
TOTAL ADS: 115

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 0
• Total White models: 4 (2 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 1

TOTAL MODELS: 5
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 4

Allure:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 15 (3 celebrity/non-models)
• Total White models: 69 (9 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 12 (3 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 96
TOTAL ADS: 81

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 0
• Total White models: 4
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 1

TOTAL MODELS: 5
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 5

Teen Vogue:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 3
• Total Black models: 14 (4 celebrity/non-models)
• Total White models: 83 (13 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 7 (3 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 74
TOTAL ADS: 94

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 1
• Total Black models: 0
• Total White models: 2
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 1 (1 celebrity/non-model)

TOTAL MODELS: 4
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 4

Marie Claire:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 3 (1 celebrity/non-model)
• Total Black models: 8 (1 celebrity/non-model)
• Total White models: 70 (7 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 13 (7 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 94
TOTAL ADS: 102

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 0
• Total White models: 3
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 1 (1 celebrity/non-model)

TOTAL MODELS: 4
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 5

Harper's Bazaar:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 3 (1 celebrity/non-model)
• Total Black models: 6 (1 celebrity/ non-model)
• Total White models: 140 (13 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 14 (5 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 163
TOTAL ADS: 152

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 2
• Total Black models: 3
• Total White models: 14
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 0

TOTAL MODELS: 19
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 12

Elle:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 4
• Total Black models: 14 (6 celebrity/non-models)
• Total White models: 187 (12 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 16 (4 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 221
TOTAL ADS: 205

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 1
• Total White models: 9 (2 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 1 (1 celebrity/non-model)

TOTAL MODELS: 11
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 9

Vogue:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 7 (2 celebrity/non-models)
• Total Black models: 9 (1 celebrity/non-model)
• Total White models: 236 (14 celebrity non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 9 (3 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 261
TOTAL ADS: 214

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 0
• Total Black models: 0
• Total White models: 9 (1 celebrity/non-model)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 0

TOTAL MODELS: 9
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 7

Overall Totals:
Advertisements:
• Total Asian models: 24 (7 celebrity/non-models)
• Total Black models: 111 (31 celebrity/non-models)
• Total White models: 1,065 (93 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 106 (33 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 1,273
TOTAL ADS: 1,223

Fashion Spreads:
• Total Asian models: 3
• Total Black models: 4
• Total White models: 38 (6 celebrity/non-models)
• Total ambiguous race/mixed race models: 6 (3 celebrity/non-models)

TOTAL MODELS: 65
TOTAL FASHION SPREADS: 51

This means that in advertising, out of 1,273 ads, if 24 Asian models were used, that is 1.8% Asian. And 111 black models might seem like a lot, but that's actually 8.7% black. 1,065 white models out of 1,273 ads means the ads were 83% white.

As for the fashion spreads, 3 Asian models out of 65 means 4.6% Asian representation. And despite the efforts of Bazaar, the models were only 6% black.

Starlets Like Food And Men Like Sex In This Month's Cosmo

Anna N. — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:00:00 EDT

Magazines! You know they're all just glossy insecurity factories trying to suck your brain matter out through your thighs, but sometimes their cover lines are soooooooo tempting. Too bad they're all a lie! In "Cover Lies," former intern Cheryl Campbell and I rewrote the magazine covers to better reflect the stories within. We added up all the numbers in the cover lines of this month's Cosmo, and we got 334! Pointless? Yes — just like most of the articles these headlines reference. After the jump, we posit some more truthful teasers for September’s crop of Cosmo's please-your-man tips and unsettling beauty tricks.

Fake Scientist Finds Real Humor In Crappy Cosmo Content

Dodai — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:30:00 EDT

You can file this Onion News Network video, 'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man, under funny-cuz-it's-true. The ONN hosts interview "Dr. Steinberg" of the "Cosmo Institute." See, this is a "landmark week," because scientists have finally cataloged every possible way to please your man. Dr. Steinberg says, "We've accurately mapped every super-hot sex zone on a male human body, empirically proven to make your man's legs turn to jello." Thank goodness someone is taking on the important issues! "Cosmo's research center was founded to make sure that men everywhere get the most sexual pleasure humanly possible," Dr. Steinberg says. Ma'am, you are doing God's work. Clip above.

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man [Onion News Network]

The September issues of women's magazines ...

Jessica — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:45:00 EDT

The September issues of women's magazines are historically the thickest and most anticipated of the year, filled with a particularly frenzied orgy of materialism. WWD has the scoop on the covergirls for those issues, which will hit newsstands in late August. Keira Knightley will grace the cover of Vogue for the second time in under two years — the fourth time in total — even though her last cover from June '07 (pictured) didn't sell well. Glamour has Penélope Cruz, W is featuring Kate Hudson, In Style will highlight Uma Thurman, Allure has Carrie Underwood, Teen Vogue has Vanessa Hudgens, Elle has Jessica Simpson, and finally, Cosmo will show Blake Lively. (The teen queen's presence in Cosmo confirms our suspicion that the magazine is not actually geared towards grown women). [WWD, sub. req.]

This Week We Defended Fashion And Dismissed Deluded Ladymags

Jessica — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Sadie defended fashion from hateful Wintourish anti-heroes.
We told Seventeen's constructive criticism and eyeshadow advice to suck it.
Women's magazines "saved" Cathy Alter's life.
But not ours.
Dodai revealed her secret passion for juniors fashion..

Tracie slayed the "emotional conquistador."
Lamb cums all over Gwen Stefani's face!
We were fondly embarrassed by our fathers.
It's thankfully, oh so thankfully Friday! So enjoy your Cocktails n' Dreams and have a fantastic weekend

Women's Magazines Save Woman's Life

Dodai — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 12:00:00 EDT

Cathy Alter's life was a mess. She was divorced, unhappy, lost, etc. So she spent under 200 bucks and in one year, she was greatly improved. The gimmick? She used women's magazines to get herself back on track. "Women's magazines definitely have a bad rap, but… I looked at them as being full of hope, like they were showing me what this perfect life could look like," Alter says. "I sat down and wrote this list of what I wanted, the changes I wanted to make, and they really did resemble these cover lines you see on the front of women's magazines." Now she's happier! And, as the above clip from the Today show insinuates, more importantly: Married! And she has a new book: Up For Renewal: What Magazines Taught Me About Love, Sex, and Starting Over. Why did Cathy think Cosmopolitan, Glamour and In Style would help her to cope?

It was the decision to do something, to get myself out of the rut I was in. I had had enough and was supremely unhappy. You get advice from everybody anyway, why not women's magazines? It would have been great to live in Italy and Indonesia and India for a year, like Eat Pray Love, but I spent $144 on my subscriptions. It was an affordable, doable and really relatable idea. Magazines have millions of subscribers and I think there's a real common thread for the women reading them, which is the sense of possibility.

And she's right! Without Allure, we would not know how to shower. Without Glamour, we would not know how best to sexually harraass a coworker and shag him on a desk. Without Elle, we'd never know that $5,000 bags are for hiding genitalia. Without Marie Claire, we'd never know that high noon in the desert is an appropriate place for a $13,000 evening gown. Thanks, magazines! And congrats, Cathy. You actually seemed really happy on the Today show this morning. But just so we're clear: The message is not that women's magazines saved your life, but that deciding to save your life saved your life, right?

How 365 Days Of Cosmo Advice Saved My Life [Globe And Mail]

Photoshop Of Horrors

Dodai — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:40:00 EDT

This item about Scarlett Johansson on the cover of Cosmo focuses on her waist. Specifically: The waist the magazine's art department whittled for her. Is ScarJo curvy? Yes! Does she have, as seen here, a waist that is only a smidge wider than her neck? No. And we know this because M. LeBlanc at Bitch Ph.D. did the research. When seen "in the wild," Scarlett's midsection is that of a normal, fit human being. It's only on the cover of Cosmo that she takes on the dimensions of Betty Boop. Oh, and, as commenter TheGarlicSong pointed out, on this cover, her left arm is smaller and shorter than her right arm. WTF. (Click to enlarge.) [Bitch Ph.D.]

Reading Cosmo is Like Having Quinn Morgendorffer Stand On Your Neck

cheryl — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:30:00 EDT

Maybe it's the "beachy" weather. But something about this month's Cosmo blew out our enthusiasm clutches, making it suddenly difficult to type exclamation points or read anything in the magazine without hearing it in the voice of Daria. It's all Tracie's fault, for clipping the episode where Daria takes down the fictional Val magazine. You try watching it, only to sit down and read advice like "Invent a holiday that gives you an excuse to chow down on your favorite guilty pleasures, like First Friday Cookiefest, Cinco de Nachos, or Ice cream Brownie Sundays." (What, no pun with that?) Or how about: "Keep a set of beer mugs in your freezer. Never underestimate the amount of love and appreciation that an icy, frothed brew on a hot summer day inspires." Now, usually we'd be thinking "damn right I could use a beer right now!" But not today, probably because Daria was straightedge. After the jump, our inner Daria tries her hand at Cover Lies, and probably fails. To be honest, she doesn't particularly care.

Cosmo Dares You To Drip Hot Candle Wax Down His "Back Door"

cheryl — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:40:00 EDT

We were SUPER scared when we saw the cover of this month's Cosmo. Not because that perfectly-centered pendant on Carmen Electra's chest looks like some sort of surveillance device planted by malevolent aliens! No, it was the word "sexy." Where is it? Aside from two instances in which it modifyies the words "hair" and "confidence," Cosmo's cover is starkly, notably, indisputably absent of the word "sex." What does mean? Is ita reflection on the chastened economy? The Hezbollah victory in Lebanon? We immediately flipped it open to find out. And mercifully enough, we were virtually BARRAGED with articles about S-E-X. One story suggested dripping hot candle wax down your boyfriend's asshole. Another said you should hide in a room with his phone, then call it, and surprise him by being NAKED when he comes to answer it. Cosmo had us thinking so dirty we were in the middle of a riveting story about how to use a curling iron when we started thinking sexily about ramming it up his "back door." Click the jump for more dirty thoughts!

Heroes' Sexy Kristen Bell Has The Handwriting Of A Hermit; Kidnapper

Anna — Fri, 02 May 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Just how many blondes are there on the show Heroes? And how many of them have been on the cover of Cosmopolitan over the past year? I don't know the answer to that first question — I've never watched the show — but as to the second, the answer is, three. (Someone at NBC primetime publicity is giving his/her bosses their money's worth.) In October, we saw Ali Larter; in April there was Hayden Panettiere; and now, come May, we've got Kristen Bell. The 28-year-old actress, like her predecessors, is not only subject to a short cover profile but the magazine's 'Cosmo Quiz', in which she fills out a questionnaire about her likes and dislikes... and gives us a reason have her handwriting analyzed by graphologist Sheila Kurtz. So how does Kristen come off? The short answer: she's extremely protective, ambitious, intuitive and decent. As for the long answer, well, all that's after the jump.

This writer may be a public personality, but this sample is block printed, the variety of handwriting that tries to keep people from gathering much revealing information from it. (Cursive reveals much more.) Block printing is the choice of ransom note writers for that reason. This writer is very reluctant to allow others to know her until she knows them rather well first.

Furthermore, there are no loops on y's, an indication of a person who may seem to enjoy the company of others, but is very happy, thank you, to be all alone.

The swollen "d" forms signal a person who is acutely conscious of self, and can be wounded by destructive criticism.

Add to this an occasional slant to the left, a sign of one who represses emotions. Mostly the writing is vertical, which indicate a lack of impulsiveness. This writer thinks first, and then takes an action. The straight down-stroke of the y's indicates the determination to make an action succeed.

The bars that cross the "t" stem are placed at the top of the stem, the indication of a person who ambitiously stretches to reach a treetop tall goal. The bars are also heavy, which signals that the writer has the drive (gumption) actually to reach the treetops.

There are umbrella-shaped t bars that indicate extra portions of self-control. The block printing makes it difficult to figure out what the writer has developed controls over. The usual reason to develop such hyper-control is to stifle a recurrent fear, such as stage-fright.

The tops of the "m" forms come very close to needle-points, the sign of a very speedy thinker. Add to this a well developed "gut" intuition that skips over the usual steps of logic to get to trusted conclusions. Intuition accelerates the thinking process and allows the writer to get a handle on other people without much delay. Although some of the answers in this sample may seem dumb, the writer isn't. Some rounded "m" tops indicate that the writer can also be methodical (when absolutely necessary) and there are "V" formation in the m's and n's that signal an analytical mind that will take the time to figure out what's actually what.

Fairly strong final endings to words indicate an ability to make decisions and short t stems signal an independent thinker who makes up her own mind from information she selects.

Clean o's (the middles are without marks or blotches) are a sign of good integrity. The writer lives in the "real" world and abides by most of its rules in a way that is not secretive or devious.

There is what graphologists call a "conscious gesture" —- in this case the z's in "quizzed" are crossed. The writer has either grown up in a European-based country or has adopted the crossed-z as a kind of educated stylistic embellishment.

Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]
Bell Of The Ball [Cosmopolitan]

Earlier: Dea Cosmo Girl Hayden "Heroes" Panettiere: "Better To Be The Turtle Than The Hare"
•Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"
•Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
•Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
•Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
•'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

This Week We Hung Out With A Lot Of Child Molesters

Jessica — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:00:00 EDT

We were so into the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints and their Yearning For Zion Ranch, where girls in their early teens get married off to gross molesty old men with multiple other wives, none of whom are allowed to wear red because that's Jesus' color.
Are those teens better, or worse off than the brave 8-year-old Yemeni girl name Nojoud Muhammed Nasser who was married off by her crazy homeless father, but has now successfully filed for divorce.
A study in contrasts: the marriage of Nojoud Muhammed Nasser versus the insane Southern belles of MTV's True Life who call themselves "old maids" at age 24.

OMG I almost forgot about that Australian father and daughter who fuck and have babies. Oh ew.
Can't some people just have a nice, normal wedding that doesn't involve incest, polygamy, statutory rape, fake boobs or Botox?
Mommablogger Dooce appears to be a fairly reasonable person whose wedding probably didn't involve any of those things.
Karl Lagerfeld hates Dooce's kid, though. Actually he hates all children. And also fat people!
You know who probably had kind of shitty moms? Those horrid teenage cheerleader bitches who beat the living hell out of their friend and may now face life in prison.
So make a bonfire out of Cosmo's "Sexy" issue, and rip off that bandanna you've been wearing. Let it all hang out this weekend!

Well Isn't The Cosmo"Sexy Issue" Just A Sexy Breath Of Fresh Sexual Sexy Sex Air!

cheryl — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 16:30:00 EDT

Oh goody it's the Cosmo "Sexy Issue"! We've been waiting all year for Cosmo to finally address the underexplored topic of s-e-x. They address "sex" with classic Cosmo understatement, of course: "sex" appears in only six places on the cover, meaning the word "sex" itself represents a relatively restrained 7.5% of words on the cover, in much the way that you will really find the word "fuck" in no more than 10% of the words you read on the average Jezebel post. Anyway! The Sexy Issue is really a goldmine, starting with what may be the magazine's most ingenious yet use of food in a sex act — click to find out what it is! — and an engaging interview with actress Kristen Bell, who, like most other Cosmo cover subjects, stars in the television show Heroes. Click to see the May Cosmo as interpreted by "Cover Lies," in which we rewrite the mag covers to more accurately reflect the sexy content within.

Big Wedding, Yes; Boob Jobs & Botox, No

Jessica — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

You know, every time someone writes about weddings our commenters [And me. -Ed.] are all, "I would never spend any money on a wedding!" and "I can't believe anyone would lose weight for their big day, how superficial!" and "I am so unmaterialistic and wonderful I'm getting married in a burlap sack at the bottom of a big hole in the dirt because weddings are stupid and they should really be about true love and blah blah blah." But seriously? Fuck that noise. I totally want a huge-ass wedding and a pretty, poofy dress and I'll probably try to lose five pounds by joining some retarded gym program right before the wedding. There, I said it. But I promise not to go as apeshit as the women profiled today's Guardian.

According to the paper, women are getting boob jobs, nose jobs, Botox, and more than 20% of brides polled by academic researchers "were taking an approach [to weight loss] that the researchers perceived as 'extreme', including downing laxatives, vomiting after meals and adopting a new-found smoking habit as a way to stave off hunger pangs."

"You could say bollocks to it and get married in something from Topshop," writer Alice Wignall says, "but it's not easy for any woman who has grown up with the beauty myth - even if she's actually read The Beauty Myth - to do that on the one day still marked most seriously by old-fashioned notions of femininity."

Cosmo and MSN took those old-fashioned notions of femininity to heart when they printed this list of Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry. (Goddamn, this list is stupid.) "Slip one of those furry covers on the toilet," Cosmo suggests; "Plan your fantasy wedding!" "If all you feel like eating for dinner is ice cream and diet soda, buy a cone and pop a Coke!" Except for the planning the wedding part, the entire list is filled with idiotic tripe that you could do when you're married, too. Isn't there some sort of middle ground between getting married in Topshop and planning your Cosmo-licious fantasy wedding years before you've even met a prospective husband?

And The Bride Wore Botox ... [Guardian]
Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry [MSN, reprinted from Cosmopolitan]

Earlier: Single Slut Crashes New York Weddings Showcase

After writing cover lines that boasted "sexy ...

Jessica — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:30:00 EDT

After writing cover lines that boasted "sexy sex" and "erotic sex", perhaps Cosmo realized it needed a little help in the header department and so asked its readers to mock up Cosmo covers of their own. And...wow. Just, wow. Cover line highlights include: "real life heroin: women who have been to hell and back," "Your va-jay-jay" and "The new look involving hats." [Cosmopolitan]

Dear Cosmo Girl Hayden "Heroes" Panettiere: "Better To Be The Turtle Than The Hare"

Anna — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:20:00 EDT

It's almost spring, so it's probably fitting that Cosmopolitan has decided to put Heroes actress Hayden Panettiere on the cover of its April issue (right next to the words "SEX GENIUS" in 64-point type!). Not only is Panettiere a budding star — after she gets her first big, silver-screen role her handlers will no doubt go after the cover of the glossier, more respected Glamour — and a budding adult (she's just 18), but, according to graphologist Sheila Kurtz, she's got "buds of an imagination, but no apparent follow through." (Ouch?) After the jump, Kurtz weighs in on the actress' handwriting, as seen on the "Cosmo Quiz" accompanying Hayden's newly-released cover story.

The overall slant of this writing is moderately to the left, an indication of a person who is somewhat introverted. Unless the writer knows you fairly well, you won't get close. It appears that there is little stress shown in the writing, and it's likely that even if somebody gets too close too fast, the writer will fend off and not erupt.
Letters are rounded, the sign of a methodical thinker who likes to take time and does not like to be rushed. No fast deadlines for this writer or she will tend to get scattered in her pursuits.

Writer's goals are alternately high enough to stretch for and low enough to pick off the ground. There are signs of initiative (takes action without prompting by others).

Thinking can be accelerated somewhat by the writer's intuition (indicated by spaces between letters). This writer has learned to skip over many of the logical building blocks of thought and reach, almost mysteriously, a conclusion that turns out to work. The writer has come to trust this gut thinking. Nonetheless, if this writer starts thinking too fast, a lot of confusion results (intertwined lines) that slows everything down again. Better for this writer to be the turtle than pretend to be the hare.

There are buds of an imagination, but no apparent follow through.

Good attention to small details. The writer's usual approach to things is frank and very direct.

The writer probably works well (or could) with her hands, perhaps in the mechanical realms such as carpentry, pottery, glass blowing..

Lines and letters are pressed close together and the e formations are constricted, all indications of a mind with many preconceptions that clog up the arteries to new ideas.

There are also indications of a person who usually tells the truth (as most of us may see it) and is steadfast and loyal to people and institutions she believes in.

Earlier: Heroes' Hayden Panettiere Is An American Everywoman
Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"
Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

Related: Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]

Heroes' Hayden Panettiere Is An American Everywoman

Anna — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:00:00 EST

Even though Hayden Panettiere turned 18 last August, we're wondering, is the Heroes starlet a teenager or an adult? We ask only because Hayden is on the cover of three different Hearst girly magazines for April 2008: There's Cosmopolitan ("Fun • Fearless • Female"), which, according to demographics, has a medium reader age of 31.5. But Hayden is also on the cover of Seventeen ("It's Fun To Be Seventeen" — median reader age, 16.5), and that magazine's seasonal spin-off, Seventeen Prom (median age, um, Jessica McClintock?). Are we supposed to believe that both high school sophomores and career women in their thirties want to buy into what Hayden — and Hearst — is selling?* After the jump, we take a closer look at the differences in how Hayden is presented to the ladymag-loving public.

Seventeen

Appearance: Hayden's makeup is fresh, light, and appropriate for impressionable young kiddies: Light pink lips, just a hint of color on the cheeks. There is no visible cleavage, and, for the most part, her hair covers up her bare arms and armpits. Cover Lines: Talk about chaste! There's "cute" jewelry, "pretty" hair secrets and no mention of sex, save for "sexy [hair] cuts" and "The Kissing Disease No One Wants To Talk About!". And as for clothes, there's both a "free" tank top and hot celeb trends ("Under $20"). Cover Profile: Hayden expresses her love for Angelina Jolie, BFF Hilary Duff, explains her breakup with Laguna Beach's Stephen Colletti, talks about her love of shoes and gives advice on breakups. (Males, by the way, are referred to on the cover as "guys".)

Seventeen Prom

Appearance: Hayden shows more skin than on the magazine's namesake, including cleavage. Plus, there's a bit of cleavage, the Cosmo standard hand-on-hip, and a princess-y tiara set into her crispier-looking hair. Cover Lines: Not a lot of "sexy", but plenty of "amazing" "perfect" "pretty" and "best", as well as the chance to win a "free dress". As for guys, there is no mention of boys whatsoever, although their presence is implicit ("Sexy Shoes", "Your Best Prom Body (In Just Two Moves)"). Cover Profile: Written by the same author as the Seventeen profile, this story presents Hayden as just another prom-crazy secondary-schooler, explaining that her "biggest big night" was her prom, that she worries about who she should take to events as her date (um, we can think of one!), that her perfect prom date would be a "best girlfriend", and her own prom disaster story (a strap on her dress broke).

Cosmopolitan

Appearance: Standing before a va-va-va-voom red background, Hayden is shown with a lot more skin: visible cleavage, thigh and armpit. Lip and cheek colors are darker (does her slightly-larger parting of the lips indicate that she's been practicing the magazine's "Little Mouth Moves That Make Sex Hotter"?) Cover Lines: Where to start? This is definitely the slut's style guide. There's the aforementioned "Mouth Moves" — Question: Do "Mouth Moves" lend themselves to "Kissing Disease"? — the highly touted "Be A Sex Genius!", and all sorts of other suggestive words and phrases. Males are referred to as "men" as well as "guys", and there's no free tank tops here; readers can enter to win $10,000 and become "A Rich Bitch!". Cover Profile: Hayden, say Cosmo editors, is a "good bad girl" who wears sexy thigh-high boots to her interview, admits to drinking alcohol, and explains that every girl "likes feeling hot and sexy and beautiful and hearing it", does not want to be called "cute", and is "not as sweet as I look." Her heroines? Angelina, Natalie Portman and Meryl Streep. Also: There's no dishing on guys (like any seasoned, "serious", adult actress, she refuses talk about her personal life).

*Apparently, Seventeen and Cosmo have been trading female celebrity cover subjects for some time: Hayden, Rihanna, Ashlee Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Hilary Duff, Beyonce. What tends to be happen is that a starlet appears on Seventeen first, then on Cosmo a few months afterwards. How quickly these young ladies go from Swarovski-encrusted Sidekicks to Rabbit Habits!

The Fun, Fearless, Fine Men Of Cosmo

Jennifer — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 10:30:00 EST

Yesterday was Cosmo's annual event honoring "Fun Fearless Men." John Mayer was this year's honoree (fun and fearless? More like brooding and interested in blondes with big tits). Carmen Electra and Sara Bareilles were there representing the finer sex, though their ensembles were less than impressive. But the menfolk? From Jon Krasinki to Dave Annable (left), they were mostly looking excellent. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Cosmopolitan's fun, fearless, fine-ass guys, after the jump.

The Good:

Maybe the tie is too short, but I like Common's look anyway.

John Mayer is mad for plaid and looking good.

Jon Krasinski: Always adorable!

The Bad:

Carmen Electra's dress: Gross color, ill-fitting.

Dane Cook: Can't help looking douchey.

Dave Salmoni: Can't help looking really douchey.

Tom Anderson: Can't help looking kinda douchey.

The Ugly:

Sara Bareilles really needs to retire the dress-and-boots combo.

This Week We Binged On Ex-Lax And Tyra

Jessica — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 17:30:00 EST

We live video-blogged the premiere of America's Next Top Model, menstrual cycle 10! We got really meta and Tracie's dog peed everywhere with glee.
We admitted the most destructive things we did to lose weight. Explosive diarrhea resulted.
But Elle told us that dudes find 'rexy sexy, and we believe everything we read in Elle.
The Sex and the City trailer leaked! Carrie gets jilted! So does Miranda! Charlotte gets knocked up! But does anyone really care?
We put orange pits in our teddy bears' heads with Marcy from The Cat Ate My Gymsuit.

Lohan posed nekkid for New York as an homage to Marilyn Monroe. We wondered whether her assets were real or manmade
Our Sephora Spy stood up and admitted to the world that she's a product-oholic
John McCain maybes fucked this blonde lobbyist who looks just like his wife.
J.Lo pushed out some spawn. We cannot WAIT to find out what she names them. Fingers crossed for Anthony and Antonia Lopez-Anthony!
Cosmo said vaj-jay-jay. We barfed.
Now go spend your blissful work-free weekend meditating on why Ginger Spice does not get more respect. Hop to it!

Reader Roundup

Jessica — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:40:00 EST

Best Comment of the Day, in response to Ooooooh Mommy: Cosmo Said The "Jay-Jay" Word!: "By the way, does anyone else's vagina smell like Starbucks' French Roast? Cause I'm a little concerned." We say: You should be concerned. Soccer moms, Olsen twins and sleep-deprived med students will start chasing you down, trying to stuff packets of Splenda into your ladyflower. • Worst, in response to Female Radio Exec: Chicks Don't "Think" About Music: "Music is the motivation for my every move, but you don't need to understand it. i prefer that you don't even notice (and for those that think the same, you know it's better that way)." We say: someone has been listening to way too much Enya on weed.

Crazy In Love

Dodai — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 16:30:00 EST

A 23-year-old British woman named Lee Amor called her ex-boyfriend 10,783 times in two months, reports Telegraph. Amor (which means love!) sent a text, video or made a call every 8 minutes for 65 days straight to former flame Timothy Mortimore. She falsely accused him of being the father of her child, sent him a positive pregnancy test, followed him and his new girlfriend and visited his home and workplace. Mortimore, thankfully, has acquired a restraining order. But don't tell Ms. Amor about this list of sex texts from Cosmo, including "naughty notes" like I'll pole dance 4 you. U bring the pole..., Ur ass looks gr8 in those jeans and Was in such a rush! 4got 2 wear a bra. LOL! And: Ew. [Telegraph, Cosmo]

Reader Roundup

Jessica — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 16:50:00 EST

Best Comment of the Day, in response to Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved": "I'm curious. What is the male equivalent of a va-jay-jay according to Cosmo? A penini?" We say: next month's coverline (er, Cover Lie!) — How To Make His Penini Pulsate! • Worst, in response to Fashion Week Runways Were Almost A Total Whitewash: "It's not the modelling agencies or fashion designers fault that black chicks aren't as hot as white chicks. But this article in itself is racist. Maybe they were rebelling against these people trying to force them to diversify." We say: we really hope that whites continue to rebel against the black patriarchy. Oh wait... you're an asshole!

[Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You]

Marc Jacobs: Blue Hair Is Not As Bad As A Bribery Scandal

Jennifer — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 11:30:00 EST

Poor Marc Jacobs. First the world calls him crazy, now he's caught up in a bribery scandal. Turns out that the superintendent of NYC's 69th Regiment Armory, where Jacobs' shows are held each season, demanded little cash prezzies upwards of $30,000 from Marc et al in order for him to grant them permission to show there. KCD, the PR firm that handles Marc Jacobs, is allegedly responsible for making the pay-offs. [WWD]
Meanwhile, Marc has invited K-Fed to sit front row at his show tomorrow night! [WWD, 2nd item]
Happy Birthday, Horrible Hagyness. [WWD, 5th item]
Fashion Week is bad for Chloe Sevigny's self-esteem, "Fashion week makes me feel very self-critical. Like I'm not wearing the right thing or looking the right way. It's stressful." [WWD, 9th item]

Samsonite creative director Quentin Mackay on why the company has tapped Chloe to collaborate on the design for the company's Black Label collection: "She has that vintage attitude. Her films are always off-the-cuff so it fits perfectly with the vintage modern feel. Design is always one step backwards, two steps forward." We think he meant that as a compliment, and yet... [Fashion Week Daily]
What do male models do when they're no longer male models? Why, they do quickie sketches of fashion shows, of course. Former model Blue Logan (and yes, we keep reading that as Blue Lagoon, too) sits in the front row and draws the crowds and as many of the looks as he can while the show goes on. Also, he owns a night club. [Vogue UK]
Ooh Amy Adams on the March cover of ELLE: Love. [Fashion Week Daily]
Actress Lindsay Price on why she loves Cosmo: "My parents never taught us about the birds and the bees. They sat us down to watch Blue Lagoon and assumed that would be how we learned about sex, but Cosmo came to the rescue." [Fashion Week Daily]
"I don't know anything cool that's going on!": Julia Restoin Roitfeld. [Fashion Week Daily]
Seriously, how is "Would you change your style for a man?" even a legit question to ask? [FabSugar]
Mazel Tov to Tommy Hilfiger on his engagement to girlfriend Dee Ocleppo. [Page Six]
Also to Alex von Furstenberg (son of Diane), who is engaged to firmly-legal girlfriend Ali Kay. [Page Six]
Victoria's Secret model Karolina Kurkova will be starring in the live-action movie of G.I. Joe. [Page Six]
First John Deere made tractors, now it's making jeans. [BrandWeek]
What a shocker: Children's sweatshirts made in China have been shown to have a defective pullstring that has been known to strangle children. [UPI]
Nicole Kidman's bathing suit: Now feeding entire impoverished villages. [NYT]

Chloe Sevigny Designs Luggage, Mocks Fashion

Jennifer — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:30:00 EST

Is there anything Chloe Sevigny can't do? Playing a polygamist's wife, designing a clothing line for Opening Ceremony, acting as style adviser to British ELLE, and now, designing hand-crafted steamer trunks for Samsonite. [WWD, sub req'd]
Sevigny reportedly laughed loudly and openly at last night's Miss Sixty show. From the front row, no less! [NY Mag]
Several models were burned by faulty lighting used during a shoot for Marc Bouwer last week. Says a rep for Bouwer, "No one knew the lamp was giving off that much heat until the shoot ended. If they had known, they would have stopped right away." [Page Six]
Fashion victim! A Cosmopolitan fashion editor is suing a slew of people, including Diane von Furstenberg, following the 2005 incident in which she was injured by falling lights from the fashion runway. [UPI]

The manager of an Abercrombie & Fitch store in Virginia Beach was ticketed by police for displaying overly "racy" A&F posters in the store. [UPI]
Adam Lippes, formerly the designer of AdamPlusEve and now head of his own eponymous collection, is taking on a design collection with Spanish-based chain Mango. The Adam for Mango collection will feature 15 looks each for men and women and will be in stores for the Spring 2009 season. [WWD, sub req'd]
Carla Bruni: Married to Nicolas Sarkozy while wearing Hermes. [WWD, 1st item]
"This is worse than the Stones concert in '72!" That would be photographer Mick Rock, on the ill-behaved crowds outside the Rock & Republic show on Saturday night. [WWD, 2nd item]
People will always need underwear: Hanesbrands' profits rose by 103.9% in the last quarter. [WWD, sub req'd]
The Prada party taking place Thursday night in New York is sounding more and more like cheap porn: The short film created by Prada, Trembled Blossoms, will be screened and rock band CocoRosie will perform. [Fashion Week Daily]
Have the designers at ThreeAsFour been reading Jezebel? The theme of their show this past weekend was "The good, the bad, and the beauty." [Fashion Week Daily]
Heidi Klum and I have similar feelings about Valentine's Day: "If you're only in love once a year, that would be very sad!" [Chic Report]
Costume designer Patricia Field on the look of the upcoming Sex and the City movie: "One might be dressing older, one might be dressing richer. There's always a blend of old and new because they don't change." [FabSugar]
Former congressman Harold Ford Jr.'s fiance Emily Threlkeld pays her bills by working in business development for Carolina Herrera. [Washington Post]

This Week We Discovered Sexual Fucking

Jessica — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:30:00 EST

Cosmo EIC Kate White taught us about fudge but appeared uncomfortable with discussions about fudge-packing.
Maybe that's why her cover lines are so tired. She needs a dose of sexual fucking instead of old fashioned erotic sex.
Forget fucking. We wanna see Christina Aguilera play Samantha from Sex and the City over and over again.
It's a sight more entertaining than that crappy SATC trailer.
Or Candace Bushnell's annoyingly needy column.
And anyway, we need some trannie humor after that Modern Love made us hate ourselves.
Let's just watch Fat Camp and be grateful that we still have our hair bows.

30 Years of 'Cosmo' Ads: Scents, Spirits, Cigarettes & Sex

Anna — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 15:30:00 EDT

Yesterday, we kicked off our first Ladymag Lookback with a look at the differences in cover models and cover lines from three decades of Cosmopolitan: October '77, '87, '97, and '07. Today we're doing a mini-analysis of the advertising contained within each issue. Here's the narrative rundown: In addition to lots of paid-for pictures of lipstick, nail polish and perfume, the older issues of Cosmo are notable for reflecting what looked to be rampant (yet unsurprising) alcohol and tobacco abuse among its readers. Marlboro cigarettes were a favorite - ads for the brand appear in every issue we looked at... except for the current 2007 issue, which features one tobacco advertisement — for the controversial R.J. Reynolds brand Camel No. 9 ("Now Available In Stiletto"). Alcohol — particularly tequila — is everywhere as well, although, much like tobacco, it is in much higher evidence in the older issues. (Special treat: The 1987 issue features a full-page printed PSA warning against the dangers of cocaine use.)

As for sex, strangely, of the four issues analyzed, there is an equal total number of ads for fertility devices/conception products and contraceptive devices. (This, in a magazine founded and long-edited by the writer of Sex And The Single Girl?).

And while we're on the subject of vaginas? Apparently women didn't get yeast infections back in the fall of 1977. The first ad for a yeast infection treatment crops up in the October 1997 issue; in the issues for the two previous decades, the only ads related to a woman's reproductive organs are those for sanitary napkins, tampons and things like "herbal-scented" douches and "feminine deodorant suppositories"... also available in "unscented" or an "herbal". Below, some numbers:

1977 - 335 pages
Number of perfume ads: 18

Number of ads for liquor or mixers: 21

Number of ads for cigarettes: 13

Number of ads for contraceptives: 2
Number of ads for fertility/conception aids: 0

1987 — 331 pages
Number of perfume ads: 15

Number of ads for liquor or mixers: 8

Number of ads for cigarettes: 7

Number of ads for contraceptives: 2
Number of ads for fertility/conception aids: 6

1997 - 297 pages
Number of perfume ads: 15

Number of ads for liquor or mixers: 1

Number of ads for cigarettes: 4

Number of ads for contraceptive products: 1
Number of ads for fertility/conception aids: 0

2007 - 269 pages
Number of perfume ads: 14

Number of ads for liquor or mixers: 3

Number of ads for cigarettes: 1

Number of ads for contraceptive products: 2
Number of ads for fertility/conception aids: 1

Earlier: 30 Years of 'Cosmopolitan': It's All About The Sex And Hair
Helen Gurley Brown Still Alive & Kicking; Still Hates Her Muffin-Top

Old Lady Shows Others Lost In The Wilderness How It's Done

amparry — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 17:00:00 EDT

Three cheers for 76-year old Ora Doris Anderson; the senior was thought to be dead after she went missing in the Oregonian mountains for two weeks but rescuers found her alive yesterday. Way to go, Grandma! [CNN]
A Daily Mail writer has her panties in a wad over usually demure women being fond of topless sunbathing. We were laying out topless yesterday not because it was a way of letting out our inner whore but because white boobs look stupid. Besides, Sienna Miller does it and she's a trendsetter. [Daily Mail]
Is breast-feeding the word of the day? Lactivists (heh) took their "nurse-out" national as protesters demonstrated at Applebee's restaurants in 30 states. It would be so much easier to just refuse to eat at Applebee's from here on out — their food is nasty anyway. [Kentucky.com]

The UN has been meeting with women's rights activists from Iran. Um, they give us oil right? Okay, who gives a shit then. [Ms.]
This news story is all in French but a reader translated it for us — seven French riot police are accused of raping prostitutes, blackmailing them into having sex for free. But seriously, they were just kidding! It was all a joke! That really is what one of the officers is using as his excuse. [France2.fr]
A British police chief says the legal drinking age should be raised to 21 because of the rising booze-fueled rape occurences. Um, yeah, it's really worked for us here in the States. Now, where did we put our pepper spray? [Daily Mail]
Side effects like muscle aches and hot flashes are causing women to stop taking cancer pills that prevent the disease from returning. Unfortunately, the possibility of death increases if the women don't take the pills for the recommended five years. [MSNBC]
The Senate voted to lift restrictions on family planning aid to overseas organizations that performs abortions (Bush is expected to veto it anyway). Will the FBI come running into our home office if we dare say we wish he had been an abortion? [Let's find out! - Ed.] [LA Times]

CNN Schools Us On The Concept Of Female Frenemies

amparry — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 16:00:00 EDT

CNN the news network, known for its in-depth coverage of the Paris Hilton Goes To Prison Scandal, gets all deep in their exploration of "frenemies". Listen, sometimes really shallow girls turn on their friends over things like boys, and drugs, and fame. Is that so hard to understand? [CNN]
A professor at Harvard's Dental School says dentists should be at the forefront of combating domestic abuse, as the most common injuries are to the victims' head and neck areas. [Boston Globe]
Research supposedly shows that men who were born to overweight mothers have "poorer quality" sperm. In other words, KFed may LOOK cheap, but his spunk is actually quite expensive. [Daily Mail]

Black women are at a higher risk of developing the most deadly form of breast cancer and 77% are more likely to die of the disease than white women. Mother Nature is a fucking racist. [CBSNews]
Speaking of breast cancer, survivors of double mastectomies will bare all in an upcoming calendar. Normally we'd decorate our cube with a lovely Anne Geddes calendar or something, but this sounds like the kind of objectification we can get behind. [USA Today]
Duke Medical School has hired Dr. Nancy Andrews as the first woman to lead its prestigious medical school. The other medical schools in the Top Ten are all run by men. One small step for womankind... just another day on the job for man. [Breitbart]
A pair of friends may have worked together to commit over 20 rapes and upwards of 60 additional sexual assaults in Melbourne, Australia over the last decade. The assaults were dubbed "The Hot Chocolate Rapes" because the loathsome criminals slipped drugged their victims with roofie-laced hot drinks. Hopefully someone will be inspired by these two pigs and will give their disgusting willies a good scalding. [NEWS.com.au]
There's been a huge crackdown on brothels across England, but law enforcement has also discovered that many of the UK's sex slaves have been auctioned off at pubs — this is why we go to wine bars. [Guardian]
Democratic NY Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney wants to establish a global women's rights office that will have the government advocating for women around the world. Fingers crossed that Bush actually signs off on that! [Ms. Magazine]
The Times of London erroniously labeled Christina Aguilera and Avril Lavigne anti-choice in its story about Amnesty International's new abortion stance, alienating some of its rock star supporters. Oh, and it also erroniously reported that Aguilera and Avril are, in fact, "rock stars". [The Times of London]

'Cosmo': During Your Period, It's Best To Wear Underwear

Moe — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 13:20:49 EDT

We can't wholeheartedly hate the new trend whereby magazines advocate going "commando," because it's fun having something to blame for Victoria's Secret's shriveling sales and, duh, stories like 'Ditch Your Panties' from this month's Cosmo, which explains that men will have an easier time "picking up on your pheremones" when you're panty-free. (Plus no panty lines!) But better check what time of the month it is!

Going panty-free during your period makes you more vulnerable to infections.

Uh, yeah, and also more vulnerable to expelling sizeable globules of dark red PERIOD BLOOD everywhere you go?

And let us not forget the perennial risk that you're with a really cute guy while wearing a really short skirt and he pulls on what he thinks is a loose thread hanging from your garment that turns out to be the end of a blood-soaked tampon? We read about that in Seventeen's "Trauma-Rama" when we were twelve and we haven't gone commando during our periods since.

Ditch Your Panties [Cosmo]

'Cosmo' UK Plays Fast And Loose With Something Other Than That Scrunchie

Moe — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 18:24:21 EDT

What's the difference between Cosmo and Cosmo UK? Despite its enticing cover promises of 16 sexy new hairstyles and 7 Boundary-Pushing Moves we always seem to find ourselves thinking "cigarette money" when we check it out at newsstands. Meanwhile over in cool Britannia, however, readers are being bowled over with headlines like "Be 100% Happier" and "HOW DID MY HANGOVER LEAVE ME PARALYSED FROM HEAD TO TOE?" OMG how???

Um, yeah, she had some crazy illness three years earlier and her hangover had nothing to do with it. It was completely incidental. In fact, this whole story is just another testament to why you should aim to have a hangover EVERY morning, because you never know when you might end up paralyzed from head to toe and unable to enjoy a good drunk one-night-stand. So with that, we're gonna go get fun, fearlessly fucked-up! XO!

Tough Love

eurotrash — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 06:20:10 EST

Dear Gawker-for-Girlies

"I have been dating this man for six months and I really really love him and hope to marry him one day. The only problem is, he only comes round twice a week for sex and won't take me out anywhere. When he does, he insists I wear a beret and a false moustache. He won't let me phone him or know where he works or lives or who his friends are. But he is so caring because sometimes he comes round at 2am and has sex with me. Do you think we can make this work?"

Dear Fuckwit,

He's married and you're an idiot.

Hugs,

Gawker-for-Girlies

[Is he using me for sex?] Cosmo UK

Too good to be true. Dammit.

eurotrash — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 12:38:29 EDT

Cosmo takes a squint at the buzz surrounding chocolate diet pills this month.

Yup, you read that right: chocolate diet pills. The theory behind the Euphoric Chocolate Diet Pills is that they trigger the good feeling you get when you munch on the brown stuff, which will make you more likely to stick to your diet because you're happy. Yeah, right. And they also contain a green tea extract that allegedly speeds up fat burning.

So it's basically the miracle we've all been looking for, right? Eat tons of chocolate and actually lose weight.

Not so fast. Cosmo's diet Guru Brigid McKevith is here to harsh your chocoholic buzz:

"Not enough research has been done to confirm that any of these ingredients will actually help you lose weight. Having a cup of green tea and a small bar of dark chocolate will provide the same so-called weight loss ingredients, not too many calories, and is cheaper and way more enjoyable than popping pills."

We'd say that depends on the pills you're popping, Doc. But we get the message. Sadly.

Unsafe sex.

eurotrash — Wed, 24 May 2006 12:09:41 EDT

Hey! Cosmo's trying to pep up your sex life AND get you arrested at the same time. Find out why, after the jump.

There's nothing quite like Cosmo when it comes to sex tips. They adopt a no-nonsense bright and breezy approach, much like a 1930's gym teacher giving a pep talk on menstruation. The penis is a "member" and it is to be approached with clinical and athletic efficiency. I picture that gym teacher bellowing, "Come on girls! Grasp the member! Tally Ho!"

Now I confess, I've never tried a cosmo sex tip, not because I'm repressed, but because I find the idea of having sex while reading an instruction manual somewhat offputting. And also, because I don't want to get arrested. Take this month, where Cosmo unveils its new book, Aqua Karma Sutra. Yes! It's sex tips on the beach, in the pool, in the bath! As it lightly glosses over the uncomfortable truth that condoms can slip off in water, that women tend to lose their lubrication in swimming pools (ow!) and that perhaps the entire beach doesn't want to watch you do the 'Randy Raft' or the 'Deep Water Dare', it comes up with some moves that are unfathomable at best, and frightening at worst.

The 'Beachball Booty' promises passionate pelvic pumping if he takes you from behind while you're lying on a beachball. A beachball. With your back to the ocean. That's apparently important - like a sexual Feng Shui. Does it promise you a night in jail for offending public decency too? Alas, Cosmo fails to address that point.

As for the 'Get a Leg Up', well, a prize to anyone who can translate this into diagramatical instructions.
"Fill the tub with a few inches of water, then turn on the shower and let it run lightly. Lie on your side, propped up on your forearm (bend your knee if you need to.) Lift your top leg, then have your man straddle your other leg. Once he's entered you, rest your lifted leg on his shoulder."

Phew! I'm glad they gave me permission to bend my knee. Given that most American bathtubs are merely extended shower trays, I'm wondering if this is more a recipe for dislocated limbs than sexual bliss. And yes, they did use the expression "entered you". I remember one old Cosmo sex tip that told me I should have sex with my leg sticking out of the window of a taxi. And all I could think of was who I could sue when it was ripped off by a passing truck. There's much to be said for the missionary position in the safety of one's home.

Oh K.

eurotrash — Tue, 23 May 2006 13:26:30 EDT

I've never really known what to make of Cosmo's bedroom blog. It's written by someone called Jessica Hulett - online and in the mag - and is a 'fictional' account of someone called K's attempts to get laid. Or married. Whatever. There doesn't appear to be an awful lot of sex going on, and the current storyline is that:

"Last month, K. found out what a drag it is to date a workaholic because Suburbs Guy kept blowing her off. To take her mind off things, K's best friend Sarah, invited her out to meet the ridiculously H-O-T star of an indie movie... and K. was more than happy for the distraction. Will Suburbs Guy ever get it together? Can K. successfully schmooze with the rich and almost famous?"

Can I take a shotgun and blow my own head off here? I thought we'd done Bridget Jones to death. At least you got a bit of anal action with Bridget. Something tells me that K's rump will remain eternally unpunctured. I bet she uses vaginal deoderant and is entirely hairless below the eyebrows, too.