In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

(Click to enlarge.)

In the December issue, we learn all about what men are really thinking. Or rather, what Cosmo editors pretending to be guys think men are really thinking. The article "Guy Love Diaries" ostensibly features relationship journals from two real men, but we have a hard time believing "Paul, 29" used the term "BFF." Also, he writes:

"When girls get together at showers and bachelorette parties, they usually talk about boys and swap sex techniques. Sara always comes back with new sex tricks and great fellatio.

How could a man know that "wedding shower" is really code for "getting sex tips from Grandma and Aunt Janet?"

In both guys' diaries, they mention that they like it when women pig out in front of them, but stay skinny. Cosmo explains:

"Men fear they will marry a gorgeous girl, and then a couple of years later, she'll let herself go and put on 100 pounds. If you're not eating in front of him, he's nervous about what might happen when you let your guard down later on.

Josh Duhamel must have been terrified when Fergie had to gain 17 pounds for her role in Nine. Yet curiously, he didn't stop loving her! Fergie's secret?: "In Italy, Catholic boys are raised to believe that there are two types of women: the Madonna and the whore. And me? I'm both."

That may work for pop stars, but Cosmo advises you drop the whole "Madonna" thing in the bedroom. There's one dirty move guys "crave" and "you're gonna want to drop the magazine and do it on the spot." Thing is, it isn't actually a "move"; guys just "want to be wanted." Tips? Try sneaking up behind your boyfriend while he's on the phone and grabbing his penis, putting lotion on your nipples and dragging them across his chest, or taking his dick to "massage his tip all over your upper body — lips, cheeks, breasts — all while maintaining eye contact." That should give him a hint.

(Click to enlarge.)

[Los Angeles, October 22. Image via INF]

We didn't realize that when we learned to tie knots in Brownies, the Girl Scouts of America were actually preparing us to "turn him into our love slave" (Fig. 1) Otherwise, the November issue is actually more about being a good partner (i.e. giving in to all of your boyfriend's desires) than a "bad girl." The article "What He's Really Thinking During Sex" claims to be "educational for maximizing your pleasure," but all we learned is that the handful of guys interviewed like Brazilian waxes, feel push up bras are deceitful, and are bored by the sight of their fiancée's naked body. And then there's Jeremy, 27, who says:

When you reach in a girl's pants it's like an exploratory thing: You're reaching around, hoping you don't feel anything weird. And if I am in there and feel some kind of bump or something, I'm like, Excuse me, but what the hell is that?

Maybe it's good that Jeremy is so vigilant about STDs, but are most guys really that focused on checking for abnormal growths? We may never know, because according to Cosmo, it isn't our place to question men about their thoughts or actions. The article "The Six Worst Things You Can Say To a Guy," advises that if a man is unreasonably upset about something minor like running late, we should just apologize, not tell him to lighten up. And we should never ask a guy, "Can you really afford that?" because, "It'll make him associate you with the least sexy, least desirable women in his life: Mom." Who knew men had such terrible Mommy issues?

(Click the image below to enlarge.)

Fig. 1

Danziger's appearance on a Women at NBCU breakfast panel last Wednesday shows she really needs to learn when to cut her losses — we don't need to hear her say that "Kelly liked the picture" for the eight zillionth time, or that "we did not make her look skinny, we made her look better." But the real kicker is her explanation for whittling Clarkson away in the first place. She says,

[P]eople like to say, "Oh, the media is the problem." I would say that, if we're really honest, the reason some of these magazines get bought by people is because they want to see that image. It is a consumer-driven market. If you put something on the newsstand and they don't like it, it won't get bought.

She goes on to say we could "debate [...] all day" whether magazine Photoshopping or a consumer desire for unrealistic images came first — but it's clear which side she falls on. And even though she thinks her consumers demand Photoshopping, she still claims that Self doesn't really use it that much. The magazine is "as honest as they come," she says — except, presumably, for the whole Kelly Clarkson thing.

Danziger's argument that she's just giving her customers what they demand echoes Cosmo editor Kate White's "contribution" to the whole Ralph Lauren Photoshopping mess last week. In her (rather superfluous) appearance on the Today Show, White said,

I think women have to protest - and back it up. Because sometimes women say they want real girls in stories, but often those stories don't rate as well. Or if you put a heavy celebrity on the cover it might not sell as well. So women have to complain, and then back it up with their actions. Their pocketbooks.

Both editors neatly pass the buck to magazine readers, whose appetites they claim really dictate how teensy a cover girl must be. This is pretty disingenuous, especially given that women's magazine editors set themselves up as tastemakers in so many other areas. They sell ads — and get free shit for advertorial features — largely by convincing companies that women will buy the products they recommend. They position themselves as trendsetters at the forefront of fashion — not followers who just report on what women are already wearing. Especially in the case of Self, they give health and lifestyle advice, and while they sometimes feature reader opinions, they don't base all their tips on workouts readers already perform. Women's magazines are completely in the business of telling women what to wear, what to buy, what to eat, and what to do, and the idea that women tell them what to put on the cover is ludicrous.

Moreover, it's hard to even evaluate Danziger's claims about readers' tastes, since they don't really have very many options. There is no mainstream American women's magazine that features un-Photoshopped models of all shapes and sizes. There's Bust, but with its smaller budget and bimonthly publication schedule, it's not a real competitor. Really, the major women's magazines represent something of a cartel of unrealistic female images, and women searching for an alternative will have a hard time "voting with their pocketbooks" — there's nothing to vote for.

Of course, it's true that Danziger and White are in the business of selling magazines, not making us all hate our bodies. Their reluctance to experiment with, say, not Photoshopping probably has as much to do with fear of the unknown — and perhaps fear of advertiser response — as it does with misogyny and sizeism. But as I've said before, women's magazines are in financial trouble, and the old formulas clearly aren't working so well anymore. In fact, the biggest ad gains this month were reported, not by Cosmo or Self, but by Southern Living and Real Simple, which sport food, not models, on their covers, and which credit their success to helping women actually do stuff. So maybe it's time for editors like White and Danziger to stop making excuses about what consumers want, and give them some actual choices.

3 Minute Ad Age: October 20, 2009 [AdAge]
Top 5 Monthlies: Giving Women What They Want [MinOnline]

Earlier: Kelly Clarkson Slimmed Down On Self Via Photoshop

Ralph Lauren Fires Photoshopped Model For Being "Too Fat"

Essence, number 6 on the A-List, hosts an annual Essence Music Festival. As Larry Dobrow writes for AdAge,

In a year when consumers' travel dollars were tight, a jaw-dropping 428,000 people attended the festival over the July Fourth weekend, up from 270,000 the year before.

It helps that artists performing at the festival included Beyoncé, Maxwell, Ne-Yo, Robin Thicke, John Legend and Al Green. But Essence has "the pulse of the community," says Neil Golden, the chief marketing officer of McDonald's (a major sponsor of the EMF, along with Coca-Cola, Ford, Pantene and WalMart). "It's a proven, successful way to engage African-American consumers where they are most receptive." You may think of Essence as a "black magazine," but Dobrow cautions:

Some observers, in fact, think that those who label Essence as a niche title don't give it enough credit. "It's a crime to place Essence only in the African-American bucket — which is what has happened traditionally but is changing," said George Janson, managing partner-director of print at GroupM. "I can think of few other titles that have such a high degree of loyalty and engagement across demographic groups."

As for Cosmo — number 9 on the A-List — Dobrow calls it a "powerful" and ubiquitous" brand which uses TV, Facebook and Twitter to connect with readers (Dobrow writes that the mag Tweets "to thousands of followers with the verve of Courtney Love on an all-nighter.") Cosmopolitan senior VP-Publishing Director Donna Lagani explains why the brand is doing well: "When clients' business gets tough, they turn back to strong brands they can count on. When choices are being made by consumers to buy fewer magazines, they continue to buy Cosmo — and at a premium price." It's true: With Cosmo, you know what you're getting. In addition, the magazine stays creative with events and partnerships; Revlon sponsored this year's Fun Fearless Male Awards, while Maybelline is on board for the upcoming Cosmo Kisses for the Troops and Cosmo teamed up with Nivea on the Cosmo Bikini Bash.

With many magazines folding and struggling, it's interesting to see what works. And since 6 of the 10 publications on the A-List are magazines targeted to women, it's clear that we have power when it comes to the newsstand. Too bad we're getting stories like "Use Your Thong As A Hair Tie."

The A-List — Magazines, Essence Is No. 6 On Ad Age's Magazine A-List, Cosmopolitan Is No. 9 On Ad Age's Magazine A-List [AdAge]
Earlier: Cosmo: Wear Your Dirty Panties Around Your Ponytail

Like just about every Megan Fox interview, her comments veer from annoying to awesome... sometimes in the same paragraph. We're tired of hearing about how she's "completely, hysterically insecure" about her appearance and hates people looking at her (well, that goes for all starlets). But then she admits to Cosmo that she lies in interviews because she's bored. Whether quotes like, "male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don't give a shit. I don't need someone else's power. I'm obtaining my own" are true or not, they're certainly entertaining. Sadly, the rest of the magazine doesn't promote Megan's view of female power. In the article "Why He Calls You a Nag When You're Not," writer Matt Titus informs us that, "No matter how much we love you, we're only capable of listening to about 20 percent of what you have to say." According to his armchair psychoanalysis:

"In guys' minds we already did everything a woman (i.e. Mom) asked for 18 years, and it almost killed us. But now that we are, ahem, all grown up, we don't want to be told what to do. If we do everything our girlfriends and wives say, we will actually lose our manly status and turn into children again. Yes, we really think that."

Titus offers a tip for ladies who want to get their man to do what they want without nagging: simply walk out of the room when he's doing something that bothers you. In Cosmo's world playing games is always preferable to having a civilized conversation or treating guys like fellow human beings. But, that goes both ways. Our favorite sex tip from this issue involves your boyfriend treating you like a piece of meat... literally:

Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral. Since you'll feel totally like his sex toy, you can add to the arousal of being restrained by begging him to "release" you and let you orgasm."

What could be hotter than having sex while hanging from a meat hook? Oh right, using your dirty thong as a hair tie.

(Click on the image below to enlarge.)

Earlier: Cosmo: Wear Your Dirty Panties Around Your Ponytail

Sex Panic, Bad Girl Sex, The Sexy Ass Workout - at Cosmo, every day is your Sexiest! Day! Ever!


Cosmo's Man Manual claims to teach you to read his body language, but for some reason, this shot does not say "I love you." It's somewhere between the pensive stare you see on soap operas and the look you give someone before you hit them with an ice pick.


Cosmo ain't sayin' you a gold digger/you just ain't messin' with no broke frat boys. 59% of the magazine's readers say that they would "be more likely to go out with" a guy they're on the fence about if he was a baller. The also got Helen Fisher to say it's due to our lady biology. Cosmo's conclusion? "So when you're checking out a guy's designer clothes, as 74 percent of you do, you're really instinctually sussing out his resources."


Still wondering how to nab that Armani suit collar popper? Cosmo helps you figure out how much cash you can take him for by providing evasive questions. So posing a hypothetical about a friend struggling with debt really allows you to see if he has a negative credit score. Cosmo's expert, Pepper Schwartz, says "If he brushes it off as a common mistake, he might have a bad credit history himself." Or, he may be politely telling you to mind your own business.


On a date with Richie Rich and you need to impress him? Try using your thong (the one you currently have on) as a hair tie! It's supposed to sub in for your ponytail holder/cock ring in a pinch, but do I really need my lady juices all up in my hair? (My test panel consisting of four guys I can quickly call to fact check all had the same reaction: eww, why?)


Another sure fire way to impress a dude on a date? Act like an asshole. Cosmo advises us to get a free beer "without using your boobs" by grabbing an empty bottle, filling it with warm water in the bathroom then handing it back to the overworked bartender while accusing them of serving you a warm beer. Classy!


Later, we hear the tale of a guy with a 9 3/4ths-inch dick who calls it The Hammer and wraps his flaccid dick around his wrist as a party trick. His girlfriend won him over by telling his friends her "big vagina" could handle the Hammer.


The magazine's Sex 911 article leads with the horrifying "His Penis 'Broke' During Extra Vigorous Sex." The doc explains that we shouldn't thrust so high and wildly while on top, but how does that go with the sex advice on page 129? Am I supposed to control my thrust while doing the on-his-dick-back-bend-over-the-couch you describe?


Note to Cosmo: Being cocky only works when you can back it up with action. "Redesigning your company's Website...and have no freakin' idea what you're doing" is not one of those times. The sassy poses you included in the side bar are not going to fix HTML fail.


Finally Megan Fox is about to be the victim of a drive by if she doesn't stop talking about Angelina Jolie. The tabloids have it backwards - she isn't stressed out because of Brad, she's stressed from this fake celeb beef/stalkerish admiration/compulsive comparison. The pull quote above is actually Fox referring to the fact that Jolie is aging gracefully.

Cosmopolitan is the magazine with the highest-single copy circulation in the business. Meaning: It flies off of newsstands. But according to new numbers from the Audit Bureau of Circulations, Cosmo's down 7.8% over the first half of the year.

According to the NY Times:

Single-copy sales suffer more than subscriptions during recessions, as people refrain from impulse buys, and higher unemployment means fewer commuters passing newsstands.

But AdWeek has a different take: Ladymags might be growing more and more irrelevant. Lucia Moses writes:

Consumers can now get a wealth of style news and advice from any number of Web sites, blogs and TV programs. A further erosion of the fashion magazine editor's dominance has come from lifestyle and celebrity magazines, which over the years have been busy rolling out their own fashion content.

As a result, fashion editors have made the dismal discovery that slaving long hours to put out a magazine — however great an issue it might be-simply isn't enough anymore.

In addition, those "celebrity magazines," like Ok!, Life & Style and In Touch, aren't without their own problems. As MediaWeek reports, Ok!'s circulation was down about 10% the first half of the year and In Touch was down about 16%.

Then there's the mystique and allure of the magazine culture itself. A magazine editor used to be a know-it-all, a couture connoisseur, declaring items "in" or "out." These days, "real people" marketing campaigns are popular; YouTube makeup tips go viral and fashionistas are more likely to copy something from The Sartorialist than from Vogue. As AdWeek's Lucia Moses points out:

Even the famously aloof Anna Wintour has been making herself more accessible for interviews […] On September 10, Wintour herself is expected to be out rubbing elbows with the hoi polloi at a Macy's pop-up store in (of all places) Queens.

Magazines can be great, when well done: Beautiful photography, intelligent writing, a focused, edited point of view. Maybe a drop in sales doesn't signal the end — but a new beginning, in which some of the current titles are re-evaluated. Lord knows we don't need another "how to touch his junk" story.

Women's Magazines Fare Poorly in Latest Circulation Figures [NY Times]
The Delicate Balance [AdWeek]
ABC: Fashion Titles Hardest Hit for Single-Copy Sales [MediaWeek]

Earlier: The Real Reason Women's Magazines Suck
September Ladymags: "Looking Thin"
September Glossies: Same Sh*t, Different Year

Did you know that breakfast is good for you, but eating fast food every day isn't? Or that a varied sex life can help keep a relationship healthy? Maybe they didn't teach us this in fifth grade, but do we really need Cosmo for "dirty sex" tips like "have fantasies" or "use a blindfold?" Or to remind us of the lame old saw that if we want to pique a guy's interest, we should stop calling for a few days (in a serious overstatement, Cosmo calls this a "risky move")? Actually, the only thing surprising in this month's Cosmo is the suggestion that you tie a necktie around your man's penis — or "lightly dust" his balls with a makeup brush. Just add some glasses on top, and you have a face!

Don't ask guys what they likes — they can barely talk anyway. Instead, remember that 61.6% of men pay attention to "a hot body" — so get one! And you'll probably want to put your hair up, because 76.1% of guys like to see a girl in a ponytail. That scrunchy will come in handy later. Speaking of sex, 27.4% of men would like to bring "a kinky costume" into the bedroom, so wear your sexy maid outfit for about one out of four guys you sleep with. But watch out for the "backdoor area" — 60.7% of dudes say you should never touch it "under any circumstances." If all these numbers don't put enough science in your summer, flip to page 142 for an exhaustive chart that explains how you can use this season to "chill out and recharge" or "have an adventure." Because what's the point of fun if you can't graph it?

So, will having many partners loosen you up? Cosmo's complete answer: "No." Well, at least we didn't get a lengthy made-up explanation for the made-up question. Although, we wish Cosmo's editors applied this kind of brevity to their other relationship articles, like "4 Signs He's Into You." According to their experts, if he's making fun of his friends in front of you, he's totally smitten and going to propose next week. Oh boy, this is the kind of advice that turns insignificant male actions into false hopes and unhealthy obsessions. Below find out what other useful tips the issue has for you:

This month's issue was so comparatively tame we're wondering if it was penned by the Seventeen readers Gossip Girl is actually aimed at. Leighton Meester's profile notes in the headline that she's "not really a bitch." Reassuring us that she's a "good girl" in real life is a total teen mag move, and frankly, we enjoy Meester's teen series forerunner Shannen Doherty more because we know she's as bitchy off-screen as she was on 90210. This month's sex advice was also more taint-free than usual. Basically, if you prolong sex, you'll stay aroused for a longer period of time. The mag says this is how people achieve a one-hour orgasm, but quickly squashes readers' hopes by explaining that won't actually happen. In "Recession-Proof Your Love," we learn that "a guy's self-worth is often directly tied to his ability to earn big," so we should be sweeter and less demanding of pricey dinners if he loses his job. Finally, an article reveals that it freaks men out when you "try to be sneaky," "when you're jealous," or "when you're downright crazy." Below, we take a look at the various ways this month's Cosmo recommends taming our inner Blair.

These fantasies — helpfully printed on punch-out cards for you to take to bed with you — are actually fairly tame (example: "We've just been to a wedding, and we look pretty damn elegant . . ."). But that's okay, because sex in the Sexy Issue isn't just for fun, it's also a tool. Sex can help you lose weight (try reverse-cowgirl for maximum calorie-burning) and it can help you secretly find out if a guy is on the rebound (if he spoons you too much, he's not over his ex, and will probably never love you). Helen Gurley Brown may be gone from Cosmo, but it's still about her three favorite things: sex, being skinny, and manipulating men. So put on those wedding clothes, hook your guy up to his lie detector, and settle in for our version of this month's cover lines — we burned 40 calories writing them.

Helen Gurley Brown, octogenarian Cosmo Girl For Life and pioneer of man-catching, nipple-rougeing, semen facials and general proto-SATC chicanery, is being lauded in a new book by Jennifer Scanlon as a feminist icon. Some, oddly, scoff. Says the Wall Street Journal's Charlotte Hays, "Ms. Brown's relationship to the feminist movement has always been, at best, ambiguous. Yet Bad Girls Go Everywhere, the first full-length biography of Ms. Brown, is inexplicably devoted to claiming her "rightful place as a feminist trailblazer." Well, good luck."

We know the arguments "con" bedroom canonization: Brown's ethos seems to have taken the "women's liberation" concept, subbed in "girl" and "the sex part" and ignored everything else. She's said a lot of tone-deaf things, espoused the gospel of "Skinny is God" and seemed more committed to a blithe amorality - an "if you can't beat 'em, join' em! attitude - than the advance of her sex. If it's not fun, she seems to say, screw it.

That, her biographer would say, is kinda the point: semen facials, single sex, man-pleasin' - all this was taboo before HGB and represents a freedom of sexuality - and a fun attitude - that would have been impossible if we'd just left the Women's Movement to those serious debbie downer do-gooders with their comfy shoes and pale nips. Then too, when it comes to actual cred, Brown's always been unflagging in her support for women's choice. Brown may have made her bones on essays with titles like "How to Get Men to Give You Presents," but the very fact that she could be tongue-in-cheek about this stuff was, some would say, a weird kind of empowerment. Think Mad Men: these were the times, Brown was just making the best of them.

Of course, Brown was a product of her time, and if she hasn't dated very well, does this tarnish her accomplishments? Any list of feminist heroes is littered with women whose positions were beholden to their times and who were less-than-progressive in certain respects. The difference is, Brown was a contemporary of a lot of women whose legacies are less ambiguous - Betty Friedan, anyone? - and so "realities" like being a "kept woman" for a series of rich men, then forcing a guy to marry her when she thought she was too old, don't go down quite as easy. In Brown's world, fish needed not only bicycles, but deluxe ones.

How do we define "icons" or "heroes" anyway? I think part of our resistance to Brown is that her path doesn't seem to have been exactly difficult: she was already a rich woman with a richer husband when she got the gig and the time was ripe for her brand of self-serving, man-pleasing liberation. But the funny thing is, Brown probably never wanted to be anything but what she was - a glamorous, thin "girl" whose sassy exuberance must have felt remarkably fresh in ways we can't understand in our Cosmo-fatigued culture. Should she have evolved? Ideally - and to be a "feminist hero" she would have had to. Is her legacy a problematic one, giving vapid, man-pleasing acquisition the gloss of feminism? Well, yeah. But at the same time, would a site like ours exist without her? Probably not.

Says Hays, "Readers will be pardoned if they refrain from buying into the theorizing of Bad Girls Go Everywhere. Maybe Ms. Brown is best understood "merely" as a shrewd and ambitious woman who knew how to get what she wanted by exploiting the less-elevated aspects of male desire — and how to publish a racy, self-help magazine for "girls" who wanted to be like her." Here's the question: is it her fault that there were - and are - so many?

The Secrets Of Her Success [Wall Street Journal]

Earlier: Sex & The Single Girl: Why Cosmo's Helen Gurley Brown Got Canned
Helen Gurley Brown Still Alive & Kicking; Still Hates Her Muffin-Top
Is Rubbing Cum All Over Your Face The Secret To Eternal Youth?
Oldie But Baddie

Cosmo's list was compiled by WB.com actor Ryan Hansen (who maybe should've added "That you've heard of me" to his wishes). In his top 10, he included that he wishes women knew that we look better without makeup, that we can use our breasts to grab men's attention, that men like it when we laugh at their jokes, and that we aren't supposed to poop.

Here's what we wish guys knew we know:
1.) We know the heterosexual among you you like boobs. We know they have multiple uses — like getting your attention — besides feeding infants. We just wish you knew that part, too.

2.) We know that you think we look just as good without makeup, and that we walk faster when we're not wearing heels. But we wish you knew that you are not our concern when we're getting dolled up. We dress to impress gay men and other women.

3.) We know that you like it when we laugh at your jokes. And we do — perhaps too often — even when they're not all that funny. Actually, many of us are more likely to fake laughter than orgasms, out of politeness.

4.) We know you think we're crazy at times. All you really need to know is that there is, indeed, a method to our "madness".

5.) We know that we have friends who can be total bitches. We wish you could even begin to know and understand the complexity of female relationships.

6.) We know that many of you like to pretend that our butt holes are strictly for anal sex (and, if we're lucky, some rimming), and that you don't want to hear about our bowel movements. We wish you knew that we don't give a shit, and that we will always talk about poop.

7.) We know that you don't like it when we make you look stupid in front of your friends. We wish you knew that you don't need us to make you look stupid in front of your friends.

8.) We know when our nipples are hard. And we know when you're staring.

9.) We know every hint, and pick up on every subtlety made in regards to getting a blow job. We wish you knew that if it ain't happening, it ain't happening.

10.) We know that you can sometimes smell our periods when we haven't showered. We wish we knew what to tell you about that, other than: "breathe through your mouth"

Ryan Hansen: 10 Things Guys Wish You Knew [Cosmopolitan]

Most of Cosmo's ideas will seem obvious to anyone with a brain stem. Did you know you can roll up your jeans? Wear a dress with a sweater? Pair a white tank top with — gosh, anything? A few don't really seem like they would help much — is putting a belt on "last year's bright sack dress" really going to make a whole new outfit? But the whole spread might look better if the model wearingCosmo's on-the-cheap ideas wasn't pictured with a whole mess of designer shoes — and the boxes she apparently just bought them in. Thanks for the tip, Cosmo — our closets would be a lot more fun to shop in if they magically contained a whole bunch of spanking new Louboutins.

Say your flabby ass is getting you down. Turn to swimsuit model Marisa Miller's detachable workout cards (Cosmo is Self now)! Her moves are apparently best performed while standing Photoshopped in front of an ocean — and with skin airbrushed to the texture of latex. But what if your friends suck or (God, no!) you're single? That's easy — you should change your life, but not too much. Maybe you could grocery shop on weekends in order to meet men. Or just "stop to take a breath midday" (ah yes, breathing). "The changes you make," say Cosmo editors, "could improve other areas of your life . . . including ones you didn't even realize needed an upgrade." It's true! I slept with my feet on the pillow last night, and today the world economic crisis is totally gone. Who knew that was even bothering me?