Brinks commercials all follow the same basic plot: A defenseless woman is home alone (or with her young children). A male intruder sees that she is in the house and breaks in anyway, the alarm sounds, and he runs off. Then Brinks saves the day when the phone rings and a white male employee says he's "sending help."

To wit, Brinks demonstrates the dangers of exercising alone in your home (courtesy of last night's CNN programming):













And: Joggers in your neighborhood are probably just burglars waiting for your husband to leave for work!









Obviously all home security companies use affluent suburban homeowners' fear of burglars to sell security systems. But what's so infuriating about Brinks ads is that they aren't actually about securing the objects in your home. They all focus on protecting the one most important object in a man's castle: his woman.

Logically, if someone was just after your big screen TV, it would be easiest to break in when no one was home. But in Brinks commercials, the burglar often sees that there's a woman inside the home before he chooses to break in. Since there's no other reason for the burglar to break in while he knows someone's home, Brinks must be implying that the man intends to assault the woman. But we never find out exactly what he's planning to do, since the hardened criminal is easily scared off once he hears the alarm.

Then, the woman receives a phone call from one of the dashing he-men over at Brinks. Because when you're face to face with an attacker, you always want a strong, authoritative man on the other end of the line, sitting in an office hundreds of miles away.

If you stop to think about it, the entire point of the phone call is unclear. In every commercial the woman sees the burglar run away immediately with out coming near her, yet when the Brinks man asks if she's ok, she says no. In real life, "are you ok?" means, "do I need to call an ambulance?" to which the answer is no, unless she needs to be treated for hysteria. Though she does need to report the crime, since no one is hurt the only point of the police rushing over anyway seems to be so a strong protective force can comfort her until her husband comes home (unless the cops are going to repair her door). If the intruder was actually attacking her, she wouldn't be answering the phone, or she'd be telling Brinks it was a false alarm because the guy had her at gunpoint.

So, while we thank Brinks for the daily dose of irrational fear and for reminding us that as women we are vulnerable even when we're locked securely in our own homes, we must agree with the reader who tipped us off about these ads, that mostly they just bug the crap out of us. If you're really concerned about home security, rather than giving Brinks a couple hundred dollars to provide protection and "a quick link to the authorities 24 hours a day" why not take a few self-defense courses and figure out how to dial three numbers to call the police yourself?

Here are the main approaches the PajamaGram marketers use to make the sale (clip of full commercial above):

1.) Don't you like naked girls? Giving intimate clothing to someone means you might actually get to see a woman naked, since she'll have to take her current clothes off to put the new clothes on.

2.) Don't you like sex? Because some women might feel obligated. (BTW, how creepy-looking is this guy?)

3.) Don't you like large-breasted, good girls? The cut of this tank top is matronly enough, so you can safely assume that the woman you're giving a gift to — as possible exchange for a lay — is not a slut.

3.) Doesn't she expect little from you anyway? Chances are, if you're even considering this purchase, you probably haven't set the bar very high, in terms of what she thinks you're capable of providing — emotionally, romantically, financially, or otherwise — so really, you can't lose!

4.) Don't you wish she'd spend more time at home with you because whenever she's out with her girlfriends, she gets ideas in her head that you don't like? Keeping your girlfriend in loungewear will keep her close to your side.

5.) Don't you hate bras? If you order this gift, she will, too. Which means, naked breasts for you.

6.) Don't you deserve it? Treat yourself to a "thank you" you'll enjoy.

According to a story in the new issue of the Economist, selling men on scent is a tricky business, and a lot of companies have to couch it as "aftershave" and "deodorant." But a new breakthrough study reports that men are so sensitive to the way they smell that — get this — "when a man changes his natural body odor it can alter his self-confidence to such an extent that it also changes how attractive women find him."

In the article (a section of which is oddly titled, "Born chicka wah, ker-ching chicka ching,") the author explains that perfume and cologne use fall into three basic categories: masking odors; pheromones; boosting natural smells. These all are sort of real and mostly psychological. And it's the psychology that's important: which kind of explains why guys drenched in vile scent apparently have no problem attracting women.

But, what I wonder is, does the confidence a scent imparts actually offset the negative associations some of us have with cologne? A lot of women, after all, hate it with a visceral passion. "Cologne" as a concept can signify cheesiness, vanity, a certain horrible hybrid of B.O. and chemicals, and middle-school nerds awash in Cool Water. It's one of those ingrained double-standards a lot of people just can't fight. While women are encouraged to change scent with their mood, the same behavior would seem suspect in a man. The much-ballyhooed metrosexual backlash led to a lot of pieces claiming women just wanted manly smells — B.O., sweat, that kind of honest stuff.

So, if a lot of women hate cologne — not all, obviously — why does the wearing of it create such confidence in men? Are they that susceptible to lame "Axe Effect" style campaigns? Do they feel that bad about their natural odors? Are they that convinced that "cologne" equals seduction and effort? And if that's true, why is it so hard to get them to wear it in the first place? Is it more that they need to be convinced, but once they are, they are sold? Or do they require this kind of scientific justification to feel okay about wearing perfume? Or — and here is a big question? — do men not know how women feel about cologne? Inquiring minds — and noses — want to know.

The Scent Of A Man [The Economist]

The interview — published in three parts — is by no means a hit job, but Strozzi does dish on the tricks of her trade. Like, despite a specific request from Palin that Strozzi utilize Palin's personal foundation — Revlon Age Defying Makeup with Botafirm in Medium Beige, by the way — Strozzi cheated and mixed in her own preference, Georgio Armani Luminous Silk Foundation. Not that Palin needed to be covered up quite the way her running mate did:

I have said this to just about everyone I speak to...the Governor's skin is the most beautiful skin I have ever worked with. Of course, makeup always helps to create an even canvas, but the condition of her skin was flawless. I attribute it to the clean Alaskan air, lots of fresh fish and protein, and a good fitness regime.

Or that picture in the attic, either way.

Oh, and those long eyelashes? If you didn't guess, they're as fake as the ones in the TV commercials. Strozzi says:

Also, she got very accustomed to the individual lashes I would put on her every morning....which, unfortunately are not so easy to do yourself!

Guess that made the winking sexier, right?

Strozzi does shoot down the rumors that Palin's lipliner is tattooed on — she says that she used "an automatic L'Oreal pencil in Nudes, which we covered the lip with and then put a gloss over it." But, if you're a woman whose ever worn lip liner with a shiny gloss, I'll bet you already knew that rumor was false, didn't you? Lip liners always outlast anything else you put on your lips.

Although Strozzi's make-up kit was limited due to space limitations, she does dish on what she regularly applied to Palin, which we've priced out below:

Foundation:
Armani Luminous Silk Foundations: $58.00 (Saks Fifth Ave.)
Revlon Age Defying Makeup with Botafirm: $12.99 (on sale for $11.69 at drugstore.com)

Powder:
Unlisted brand, though Strozzi says "we" switched to oil free face powder when the days began to get increasing long." Given Strozz's penchant for going high-end on products that could clog one's pores, we'll say she spent $30 on each of 2 different powders at a department store (which is generous, considering how much Armani's powders retail for).

Blush:
MAC blush in Gingerly and Cubic: $18.00 each (MAC)
Chanel blush in Horizon and Narcisse: $42.00 each (Saks Fifth Avenue)

Eyes
L'Oreal Voluminous mascara: $6.99 (drugstore.com)
Individual fake eyelashes: (estimate: $14 for Make Up Forever at Sephora but prices vary)
Chanel eyeshadow quads in Variations and Beiges de Chanel: $56.00 each (Saks Fifth Avenue)
MAC single shadows in Amber Lights and Romp: $14.50 each (MAC)
Sephora Slim Eye pencils in Dark Brown, Chocolate Brown, and Black: $5.00 each (Sephora)

Lips:
automatic L'Oreal pencil in nudes: $7.85 (drugstore.com)
lip gloss: prices vary — but since Strozzi won't spill until she launches her own blog, we're guessing it's not from CVS, and will price this at $30.

So, given that Strozzi probably had a couple of mascaras and glosses, multiple boxes of eyelashes and a couple of things she didn't mention, we estimate that just 10 weeks worth of makeup for Sarah Palin cost between $700 and $1,000. Of course, compared to the $35,000 the campaign spent on Strozzi's services through mid-October, that's a pittance — but it's probably more than some of us have spent on makeup in a lifetime.

Q&A With Sarah Palin's Makeup Artist, Amy Strozzi! [Talking Shopping]
Who's the Fairest of Them All? Amy Says It's Sarah Palin [Talking Shopping]
The Beauty Products Behind Sarah Palin's Look! [Talking Shopping]

Related: Top Salary in McCain Camp? Palin’s Makeup Stylist [NY Times]
The Picture of Dorian Gray [Wikipedia]
Is Sarah Palin's Lipliner A Tattoo? [Huffington Post]

Earlier: John McCain's Make-Up Artist

Bondage, rape, "sluts," girl-on-girl action, and cum shots. And we're not talking about "edgy" brands like American Apparel, or specifically male-oriented products, like Axe body wash. The ads in question are from major companies: Remy Martin, Dolce & Gabbana, BMW, Nikon and L.A.M.B. We would add non-essential toplessness to the list. But for each ad, Leo explains why the trend won't die, despite "our cultural outrage and personal boredom."

The Remy Martin "bondage" ad is supposed to be "sexy" and make you want to drink liquor. Writes Leo: "These women are obviously putting on a show for an outsider, not having a passionate lesbian love affair for themselves. These types of ads gain traction in cultural periods of female advancement—capturing the fantasy of 'putting us back where we belong.'" The Dolce & Gabbana "rape" ad is "fashionable" because, Leo writes, "the world of high fashion has been the worst offender in the violence-as-art game." She adds: "Any woman that sees those shoes instead of that message deserves those shoes." Of the BMW ad, in which the reclining, baby-faced girl has a tagline, "you know you're not the first," Leo says: "This combination of the Madonna and the whore is ultimately a fantasy of degrading both body and mind. This girl is in no way a threat: she's young and won't say no, no one has to offer her anything, she is just there for your needs, just like a car." When it comes to girl-on-girl, Leo writes, "Oh my god is this played out." How true! And yet Nikon could not resist. As for the Gwen Stefani bukkake alert, well, what was she thinking? (And why are there so many semen-squirty ads?)

Out of all of these ads, the only one ever to be banned (in Spain) was the Dolce & Gabbana "gang rape." Why do mainstream brands greenlight these ads? And why do mainstream magazines publish them? Because "sex sells"? What a lame excuse. People love the Coca-Cola ad in which there's a miniature surreal world inside the vending machine, and there's no ejaculate in it. Could the real reason these sexist ads stick around be that consumers don't complain?

Five Sexist Trends the Advertising World Just Can't Shake [Huffington Post]
Earlier: Advertising Taking Cues From Porn: What Is The World Cumming To?
Bukkake Alert
Badvertising: Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is Awesome
Sexist Advertising: Would Banning Or Boycotts Be More Effective?

First: Unless your name is Olivia, Ophelia, Obama, Odetta or, of course, Oprah, you may not find it exciting that nearly everything Oprah sells has an O on it. At first it was extremely distracting. Then you get used to it. Onward!

First stop: O Baby. There are cute sets you could pick up if you're going to a baby shower.

These bibs are bestsellers, Oprah says.

These are a lot funnier, don't you think?

The critters on this tee aren't just random; they're animals found in South Africa. Oprah has a vision!

While the puppy polo is cute, it just makes a lot more sense if your dog's name is Oscar, or Oakley.

When the Os make a pattern, like on this leash, they're less Obnoxious.

The apparel for women consists of lots and lots of workout wear. Three different kinds of yoga pants, all kinds of hoodies and sweatshirts, and almost everything has a tiny embroidered O. Obese? No excuse!

There are T-shirts with Oprah phrases on them…

…Which are either inspirational or rather demanding, depending on your mood.

Oprah has an entire section called "cashmere." This sweater comes in sizes up to XXXL, which almost never happens with cashmere, so that's great. The O logo? Not so great, when the sweater is $120.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I might buy this sweater. It's just so freakin' cute! Cashmere, with rouched sleeves. And look ma, no logo!

For men, Oprah offers Harpo logo tees, which is just not ever going to happen. Catch on, I mean. Never.

Ties seem more likely: You can't even tell there a million tiny Os on each one.

The "Home Living" section has some really gorgeous items, like these handcrafted beaded glass bowls. They're from Sizwe Umoya, a group of rural Zulu wire-weavers in South Africa. Oprah is soooo on-message.

These baskets are also handcrafted, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it: Meh.

I might buy this pillow, Oprah. Okay? Winning me over.

Oprah loves tea, so there are plenty of teapots, trays, dessert plates, cups and mugs to choose from. Still, only the Obamas, O'Connors and Onassises should have O teapots.

This O tray is pretty damn cute. And the colorful acrylic glasses are perfect for cocktails by the pool. Not that I have a pool.

Oprah says this makeup bag is a top-seller. The logo starts to grow on you after a while. Like fungus.

These makeup bags are even better: Metallic is chic, and the logo's been reduced to a mere zipper pull. Subtle!

Ladies and gentlemen, Oprah luggage. For traveling to Ontario, Oman, or, oh, Ohio.

For some reason, this piece of luggage seems even worse than the others. At least the previous ones had a sense of humor.

An Oprah nOtebook makes sense somehow.

Oprah notes: Vadgetastic?

The keychain that started it all!

Last, but not least: The O ornament. Oprah is practically a deity at this point, right? Happy Holidays!

The Oprah Store goes online [UPI]
The Oprah Store [Official Site]

The good news? Seventh Generation chlorine-free "ultra thin" pads come in recyclable packaging and, according to Grist's Sarah van Schagen, have "tremendous" absorption power. But the Seventh Generation maxi pads? "Feel like a pillow in your drawers." The Natracare Curved regular pads don't come individually wrapped, which might be better for the planet, but wouldn't you have to carry the box or some kind of zip-lock bag in your purse? As for the Natracare Ultra Pads, they're "too short." Then there's GladRags organic cotton maxi pad and liner, which — bloody hell — you have to soak and rinse after using. But the funniest review is for the Lunapads organic cotton maxi pad and liner (pictured):

One reviewer dubbed her Lunapad the "Pussy Cushion" and noted that she developed a "camel foot" while wearing leggings and needed to adjust her chair and car mirrors due to the pad's added height.

See? Saving the planet can make you feel taller!

The Red Vadge Of Courage [Grist]

I mean, I get changing your scent by season: there are, after all, some issues of evaporation, and light florals can be incongruous on a wool coat. But I'd always understood from a lifetime of casual fashion mag reading that people were basically attracted to one scent family or the other - floral, woodsy, grassy etc. Yes, there was that period in middle school when everyone wore Gap scents - and later Clinique Happy - but I'd always thought one of the lesser pleasures of adulthood was discovering a closer olfactory match to one's personality and sticking to it.

According to the Los Angeles Times,"these aren't light-and-fruity times. You can smell the gravitas in the air — and on the wrists of stylish women all over. Serene florals and cheery citrus fragrances in the family of Prescriptives Calyx and Issey Miyake L'Eau d'Issey, which have been en mode since the 1990s, are giving way to headier scents." The new-old ones are heavy on the musk and amber - which, apparently, denote either gravitas or evoke 80's excess. I don't know who these women are whose finger is so on the societal pulse that they feel a compulsion to run out and douse themselves in Shalimar a la Katherine Parker in Working Girl and throw out their frivolous old perfumes. (For my part, I choose to, ahem, increase societal stability by sticking to my usual - Frederic Malle's En Passant (for business situations and meeting parents) or the slightly sultrier Lys Mediteranee.)

I mean, people can obviously wear whatever perfume they want — even if I'm kind of baffled by the woman who says, "I'll suffer through the first two hours of a perfume being overbearing because I want it to last all day," — but I'm kind of sick of hearing lately about how we're theoretically being pushed and pulled in all directions by the cosmos. Yes, the economy is beyond our control, and is indeed effecting most spheres of our lives. But it has not stripped us of individual tastes and opinions and preferences. No magic hand is altering our skirt length while we sleep or forcing men with curvaceous girlfriends into the arms of the more muscular ideal to which they allegedly cleave in times of economic stress. There is enough out of our hands right now without some sinister force also spraying Opium on our wrists.

New Fragrances Catch The Scent Of Classics From Decades Past [LA Times]

First, here's where Suze is spot on: she says that credit card debt is the worst kind of debt, because it will destroy your credit rating. If you have savings, use them to pay off credit card debt, but you should never, ever raid your 401K. Even if you have to declare bankruptcy, do not take the money out of your 401K, since that money is protected. "That money is going to be there no matter what happens to you in life," Suze says. Also intriguing, Suze advises, "This is a great time to buy a home if, and only if, you get a deal of a lifetime — meaning someone is selling a home for $200,000 and you offer $140,000 and they say yes." Of course, you should only buy a house, even if it is a fantastic deal, if you can put down 20% or more and if you can get a fixed-rate mortgage.

But here's where I think Suze is giving bum advice, or at least advice I believe doesn't work in every circumstance. She doesn't really believe that couples should put all their money in joint checking accounts. Of herself and her partner, Suze says, "K.T. and I have been together for quite a while now, we don't have one joint account. Does it keep us from loving each other totally? No. Would it keep us from stepping in and helping each other? No." I don't think it keeps you from loving each other totally, but I do think not having a shared pot of money can cause a lot of unnecessary strife and haggling over expenses. According to Ms., "Splitting bills down the middle is unfair to the lower earner, says Orman, so she advocates that each person in the relationship pay the same percentage of their individual incomes — say, 25 percent — toward the common bills." I understand the reasoning behind this: half of marriages end in divorce, so even if you think you're going to last forever, there's a good chance you won't. But I picture scenarios like vacations in Cabo where you're wondering who paid for the proper percentage of margaritas, and that's certainly not any way to live.

Fall 2008 [Ms.]

Earlier: The Recession Is Bad For Almost Every Woman But Suze Orman

One of Cottle's colleagues saw an advertisement for it while watching Thelma and Louise on Lifetime (a reason he prefers to stay anonymous) and discovered that Trojan can't sell it in Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, and Virginia. Well, "can't" might be a strong word (and more on that after the jump), but Cottle wonders if this is the reason for so much of the red state frustration on display at Palin rallies.

But, first, to the law. Following a 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruling this past February that struck down Texas' sex toys ban and, by extension, Mississippi's, Alabama is the only state remaining in which selling sex toys is illegal. Crusading Alabama legislator John W. Rogers is, however, trying to fix that with legislation but faces an uphill crime because people like Dan Ireland, the executive director of the Alabama Citizens' Action Program, says the ban is needed "to protect the public against themselves."

Trojan's list of states where it cannot sell the fingertip massager — including my current state of residence, Virginia — seems a little off to me. Consulting with a lawyer that prefers not to be named, it turns out that Virginia (and the other states) don't restrict the sale of these products but do require that they be kept out of sight of minors — which means off the shelves of your local pharmacy and next to the condoms where Trojan wants to display them. (Side note: one local grocery store in my area carries Trojan's Elexa vibrating cock ring in apparent violation of state law.) So, you can walk into your pharmacy and up to the condom section and freely peruse the condom selection, many of which contain explicit diagrams on the packaging of how to place a condom on a penis, but a tastefully packaged, miniature vibrator that bears no resemblance to a penis has to remain behind the counter or at a sex shop with the smutty videos. Nothing unequitable about that at all.

So This Is Why Red-Staters Are So Angry [The New Republic]

Related: Federal Appeals Court Overturns Texas Sex-Toy Ban [Fox News]
Fighting for Our Rights in Alabama [Wonkette]

Ms. McElmore wears a wig, and the hair (underneath) that she wanted dyed is not relaxed or treated in any way. It's natural hair that could be dyed with regular hair dye. A JC Penney spokesperson issued a statement, which read, in part:

Our salon receptionist felt that we did not have the technical proficiency... to perform the service you required. She may not however have expressed this to you in a way that was not offensive. For this I again apologize. Because customer service is ... so important to our company, we would rather not attempt the service if we cannot perform it as required.

Over at Womanist Musings, blogger Renee writes, "Isn't that beautiful lawyer speak for your hair is too nappy and untamable to deal with?" One commenter posts, "That's funny because when I dye my hair, I can use the boxes with white women on them and it turns out just the same. I didn't realize that my hair was such a problem."

But the reader who sent this story to us as a tip muses: "Isn't it also somewhat true that 'ethnic' hair is structurally different that white hair? Where do we draw the line? As an Asian-American, I tend to gravitate towards Asian-produced shampoos (Shiseido's Tsubaki) and stylists because of an assumption that they'd 'get' my hair better."

Womanist Musings' Renee calls the hair care industry segregated. "We have become accustomed to the segregation," she claims. "The segregation is so normalized that black hair care even has its own aisle at Walmart… Think about the idea of a profession that specializes according to race, and what that means. By simply refusing to learn specific skills they can daily exclude blacks from patronizing their business; thus creating an all white environment."

Should a woman be able to walk into her local salon and expect services, no matter her color, race or hair texture? Or should black people only go to "black" salons, Asian people go to Asian salons, and so on?

Woman Says JC Penny Refused Service Because She Is Black [KTLA]
Salon Sued Over Racial Discrimination [KABC]
JC Penny's Doesn't Do "Black Hair" [Womanist Musings]

Here's what On Point says (they have a link to a PDF of the legal papers, by the way): So, Nelson sues Charney. Charney's legal team suggests they decide the case by arbitration to avoid the publicity of a trial. Fine. In fact, though, there was nothing to "arbitrate." Here's what Charney apparently wanted: to secretly settle, then have a pretend arbitration, which would then be "decided" in Charney's favor... and the case dismissed. At which point AA would release a statement (which they'd already written) proclaiming his triumphant exoneration. Basically, AA would pay the woman to shut up and pretend she was a liar so Charney had one less sexual harassment conviction on the record and could get back to the important business of promoting fair labor practices and half-naked teenagers. Or, as the prefab press release put it, “I am pleased that we have been able to bring clarity to the role of the First Amendment in the American workplace."

Here's the agreement Charney and his people allegedly wanted, to quoteOn Point:

According to the settlement agreement, the arbitrator would be chosen only by the defense, would be presented with 'a stipulated record of facts, and would decide that Nelson 'was not subjected to unlawful sexual harassment.' Following the filing of the arbitrator's 'decision,' American Apparel would be allowed to issue the press release.

On Point's information is said to be based on an unpublished decision from California's 2nd District Court of Appeal. And yes, they allegedly rejected Charney's "compromise." As the appeals court put it, “[T]he proposed press release is materially misleading — among other things, no real arbitration of a dispute occurred and plaintiff received $1.3 million in compensation.”

According to the article, Nelson's attorneys were predictably appalled. However, since her lawyers reportedly refused to go along with what they called a "sham arbitration," the AA people are using their non-cooperation with the charade as an excuse not to pay her the settlement. Now they're going to arbitration for reals, we're told.

I'd really like this to not be true. Because, if true, it's further proof — albeit irrefutable, revolting proof —of a sense of self-righteous entitlement that would be really terrifying in the head of America's largest manufacturer. What we already know about him for sure is damning enough! While we're likely to learn more about the case, it should be said that a lot of this squares with Charney's sense of grievance against the "selfish" women who are willing to compromise his important work for the sake of their dignity. Even were one prepared to regard the plaintiffs with a cynical eye, there would be no justifying what amounts to fraud, and at best a shocking attempt at public manipulation. Stay posted.

Fashion Mogul "Fakes" Arbitration In Harassment Case [On Point News]

Earlier: Everything You Didn't Know About Dov Charney And Weren't Afraid To Ask
American Apparel's Dov Charney Explains It All For You On SNL
American Apparel CEO Orders Subordinate To Pleasure Herself; She Services Him With A Lawsuit

Election Night:
Michelle Obama gets a slinky dress that shows off her awesome clavicles in Democratic blue.

For Cindy McCain, how about a frilly, ruffled number that says: "Don't worry, I've got my own stuff going on"?

Sarah Palin gets a plain, fitted black dress so that she can stay on message, you betcha.

Inauguration Day:

For Michelle Obama, a shift with a floral print. White House rose garden, here we come!

For Sasha and Malia Obama, pretty cardigans and skirts to complement mommy's dress.

Cindy McCain would rock the hell out of this Republican red shift dress.

Sarah Palin never really wears patterns, but she could pull off this snow leopard print dress. It's not real snow leopard, but with her, you never know!

I'm seeing little Piper Palin in velvet.

Willow Palin gets a youthful plum silk chiffon.

Preggers Bristol Palin needs an empire waist dress to accommodate that belly.

As for Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John McCain, Todd Palin and any Biden/Palin/McCain sons, J. Crew offers this:

Just add tie. And pants.

J. Crew [Official Site]
Michelle Obama Shops At J. Crew, Buys Online [AP]
Michelle Obama: We Buy the Clothes We Wear [People]

As the reader who tipped us off to this product writes, "Aren't douches
supposed to be bad for you? Does anyone actually buy this shit?" And yes, according to the U.S. Department Of Health & Human Services: "Women douche because they mistakenly believe it gives many benefits. In reality, douching may do more harm than good. Most doctors and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists suggest that women steer clear of douching."

But apparently, no one told the women who participated in the in the Waterworks clinical trial! The quotes from the Waterworks website are awesomely bad:

"I felt more confident. I felt cleaner. It is a great product, it really is."

"It actually boosted my self-esteem a lot and I felt very confident that I wasn’t gonna have that problem throughout the day. It was really great. I’m just elated with it."

"It’s always made me feel fresh and clean. It was in that first week I noticed a difference, the odor seemed to be gone and I just felt better. I was really pleased how it worked so quickly, and so easily."

And the best, and by best I mean worst:

"I feel more confident, more feminine. It’s wonderful. My husband is as happy as I am."

Because having an odorless vagina is clearly more "feminine." Dudes know and appreciate this!

Waterworks [Official Site]

DODAI: OK, I have a lot of questions, so let me just fire away: Where did you get the idea of Target: Women? Did you see something stupid one day and just snap?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes — Target Women is part of a show on Current TV called infoMania. I was writing for that show and I wanted to do something on-air as well. In my search for ideas I saw a ton of yogurt commercials and I was reminded of how ridiculous they always seemed to me. So, that started it. We built Target Women around that idea.

DODAI: And since then, you've been able to riff on a lot of companies which "target" women: In regards to ad campaigns, why do you think they have such a tough time making ads for women that make sense?

SARAH HASKINS: I think they're trying to toe a very fine line between seeming "with it" in terms of modern female roles and responsibilities while trying to do the tricky dance of selling us products that are related to much more traditional things: cleaning, cooking for your family, being a wifey… Hard to do both and not seem insane or ridiculous.

DODAI: Of the Target Women eps that you have done — yogurt, brides, pasta commercials, cleaning supplies, etc - do you have a favorite? (I know it's like asking your fave color in a beautiful rainbow, but just curious!)

SARAH HASKINS: Hrrrm. I have a soft spot for birth control (the piece) (and the idea, sure, why not?) and cleaning products. Cleaning products was just so fun to shoot and be goofy in.

DODAI: God, those needy, needy mops.

SARAH HASKINS: They just hunger for some company.

DODAI: Is there a topic you'd love to do but can't because it's maybe vulgar or, I don't know, sexual? I am not coming on to you.

SARAH HASKINS: Ha! We're pretty free- most of the time we can't do pieces because we just don't have media to play and make it interesting. I'd say one of the things I find hilarious and awful is when dudes have decorated condoms. Seriously?

DODAI: Ew.

SARAH HASKINS: So, that's probably too vulgar and would shock my Mom. And she'd write me a stern e-mail. Were you thinking of something?

DODAI: Nope! Just wondering.

SARAH HASKINS: Now I'm going to think of vulgar ideas. Not as many douche commercials these days.

DODAI: What were you like as a kid, did you sit in front of the TV critiquing commercials then?

SARAH HASKINS: I wasn't allowed to watch much TV when I was little. It's definitely something I did with my friends in high school and college. Not as like, a structured activity, but I think we all make fun of commercials. And I have funny friends.

DODAI: How and when did you decide to make comedy a career?

SARAH HASKINS: My freshman year in college. I started doing improv and I just loved it. I probably never grew out of playing make believe, or wishing a door to a magical universe would open and transport me in. Besides books, improv was the closest thing to an adventure. And then I saw a Second City show that winter break and that sealed the deal. I am a nerd.

DODAI: Nerds are cool!

SARAH HASKINS: Woo! (drinks whiskey)

DODAI: What about high school? What were you like back then? Any mean girls??

SARAH HASKINS: I was fairly serious - not that I didn't have a sense of humor, I just took the world seriously. I wasn't super popular, but my classmates liked and respected me. I did student government, sports, plays. Our school was very small - most of the mean girl shit went down in middle school and I don't think anyone escapes from that unscathed.

DODAI: But you said you liked to read, which is cool, and an escape — what are some of your fave books or authors?

SARAH HASKINS: Good question! Favorite books: Wild Swans by Jung Chang. All the King's Men, Middlemarch, For Kings and Planets, Ender's Game, Angle of Repose. I love Joan Didion, especially her essay "Goodbye to All That." Now I am worried I am going to forget something and then I'll feel guilty like the Book Gods are watching over me.

DODAI: Oh no, well, you can always amend the list!

SARAH HASKINS: Phew. I hate being smote. Smited?

DODAI: Smoteth?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes. Smoteth.

DODAI: Do you ever get recognized, and what do people say to you, if so?

SARAH HASKINS: My favorite exchange was this - Drunk Guy With Glitter In Beard At Bar: You make internet videos. That are funny. Way to go. Then I got a thumbs up.

DODAI: Charming!

SARAH HASKINS: I liked him.

DODAI: What do you think you would be doing if there were no internet? (Scary thought, I know.)

SARAH HASKINS: Well, Current is technically a TV station....so I guess I'd be writing for the show and grousing about how to get people to watch it. Or maybe I'd still be acting. Or being a pioneer. Or running for vice president. Whatevs. I meant acting...ON THE STAGE. TROD THE BOARDS! HARK!

DODAI: Yes! Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were a cro-mag or something, and I usually feel like it would be the same thing: telling stories around the campfire.

SARAH HASKINS: Did you ever wonder when you were younger about what people did when they got up at dawn and went to bed at sunset? Yes — It was stories.

DODAI: Yeah, the immortal human narrative. Where is Joe Campbell when you need him?

SARAH HASKINS: Bathroom. That dude.

DODAI: UGH.

SARAH HASKINS: Put the milk down, Campbell.

DODAI: Hey, so if you could live in another era, when would it be? Would you be a saucy Victorian governess? Prohibition floozy?

SARAH HASKINS: I like the saucy governess - but of course we all want to live in the exciting fictionalized version of that era, when Young Master rips off our bodice on the boat to Shanghai but then you have true love....and not being thrown overboard for having unchristian thoughts and deeds. You?

DODAI: I'm all for some kind of rococo France Dangerous Liaisons jam, with heaving cleavage and 3 lovers and small dogs and cake.

SARAH HASKINS: Ha! Great. Giant wigs, lice underneath and a predilection for foreign ambassadors.

DODAI: But a life lived with poetry! Champagne! Beheadings!

SARAH HASKINS: Cake! I would write "lol" to your answer but I feel weird and fifteen when I do that.

DODAI: Haha. I hear ya. Do you have any comedy heroes/heroines?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes... I mean, Tina Fey. Can you get more awesome? No. And Amy Poehler. And, generally, I've always been pretty inspired by the ladies and gents I've worked with in the Chicago comedy scene. I totally ripped off Carol Burnett's portrayal of Ms. Hannigan in Annie when I was in eighth grade.

DODAI: OMG I loved Annie. When she sang "Easy Street"? That was pretty great.

SARAH HASKINS: It's great! I was Ms. Hannigan in the play and had so much fun. Also, my little sister and I used to sing "Easy Street" when we had the hiccups because it made us laugh.

DODAI: So what TV shows do you like? And if you had to pick a reality show to be on, which one would it be?

SARAH HASKINS: TV shows: 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, Gossip Girl (I am ashamed, but it's so great), Colbert, Daily Show. My roommate and I are completely obsessed with Mad Men. Completely. If I HAD to be on a reality show, Amazing Race. I am good with maps.

DODAI: Amazing Race would be fun. Are you pro Blair/Chuck on Gossip Girl?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes. I haven't seen last night's episode yet, but I love how evil Chuck Bass is.

DODAI: He's fantastic. I am not ashamed that I read 8 of the books. But I used to work at a teen mag, that is my excuse.

SARAH HASKINS: No excuse needed. The New Yorker writer loved the books. High brow alert!

DODAI: Totes. So is there any person whose job you'd love to have, even for just one day?

SARAH HASKINS: Do I get to have the qualifications to do it? Like, I don't want to say "astronaut" and then have this be a trick where I die in space.

DODAI: You will not die! You will totally be awesome at it, for one day.

SARAH HASKINS: Oooh! So hard.

DODAI: Well, would it be easier if you could pick three?

SARAH HASKINS: Mebbe. Something way outside of my comfort zone for one day - mathematician, President of France or fighter pilot. Being a well-respected novelist would be cool. Ann Curry has a cool job. Those Today show people go everywhere!

DODAI: True, true! Travel is good. My last question is really just what is next for you? What do you see yourself getting into in, say, the next 3 years?

SARAH HASKINS: First — thanks. This is fun. I'll see where all this takes me. I want to keep doing comedy, and writing - so, I find my anxiety is lessened when I keep my focus on the projects in front of me... Also, hard drugs.

DODAI: Definitely, that was the kind of question it's easy for me to ask you but I would NEVER answer, who knows what tomorrow brings? Forget about the next three years. Drugs, on the other hand… But thank you SO MUCH.

SARAH HASKINS: Thank you - I feel like interviews are so rude because I just blather on, but I appreciate it and I think Jezebel is the bees knees. So, thanks.

infoMania is new every Thursday night at 10pm
infoMania [Current TV]

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A closer look at the young lady on the cover. It's noble how she models through the pain.

Some of the moddles are so sad, they can't even show their faces. They can, however, show you that the shiny legging trend will not go away; neither will the hideous shoe trend.
(Silence & Noise buffalo poncho, $68; leggings, $38. Jeffrey Campbell Marly platform shoe, $125.)

Luckily, Urban's got just the thing for those chilly winter months ahead: A sheer, see-through dress! Don't you feel better already?
(Kimchi Blue chiffon twilight dress, $68.)

Where does depression hurt? Everywhere.

Who does depression hurt? Everyone.

In the first shot, it's as though she's thinking, "I'm so depressed. I wish there were a bridge I could jump off of." And the second shot is: "Wait a minute!"
(Silence & Noise motorcycle jacket, $128.)

The first image, on the right: "What would Virginia Woolf do?" The second: "Hmm, too shallow."
(Kimchi Blue shadow silk cami, 48; Silence & Noise coated jean, $78; Ruby leather lace-up boot, $88.)

This is basically a work of art. It should be titled "Ennui with coke spoon."

Lastly, in addition to all of the emotional depression, Urban Outfitters has convinced me that we are, indeed, heading toward financial depression. I base this assertion on their shoes, alone: No whimsical 80s-revival neon pumps, no dance-til-dawn party platforms. Instead, they offer the following hard-scrabble Dickensian specimens:

Urban Outfitters [Official Site]
Earlier: The New Urban Outfitters: I Want To Sell You This Skirt But My Dog Just Died
Urban Outfitters: Sequins, High-Waisted Trousers & The Return Of The Miserable Model

American Apparel Is Completely Ridiculous: But you knew that. Charney lives in a "gated, marble, gold-encrusted mansion on a hill" with a rotating roster of hipster employee/roommate/assistants plus:

A young, loud, pear-shaped man named Johnny Makeup wanders in wearing a Mickey Mouse sweater, purple jeans, and shiny loafers. Johnny says Charney recruited him from an American Apparel store in New York after being charmed by his sense of style. Now he’s apprenticing in the P.R. department, where his tasks include putting together music mixes, updating his MySpace page, making Charney salads, and keeping him company. He lives in Charney’s mansion and calls him Daddy.

“Daddy,” he says, as he plops onto the leather couch next to the desk, “I saw a vagina for the third time today.”

Dov Charney Is Pervy:Again, we knew this. The not-quite-ironic retro-porn aesthetic, the legions of sexual harassment suits, the tales of sexually-charged work environments (yes, putting it mildly), underage shenanigans, one on one photo shoots with the boss, personal hiring sessions, naked and near-naked romping, coke orgies, orgy-orgies, financial shadiness, and the on-record masturbation are legendary in the bad way. Quoth The Dov,“'Fashion is about sexuality...It’s hard to be fashionable and sanitize it and take the sexuality out of it. It’s tasteful. It’s utility—it’s not Frederick’s of Hollywood. It has to make you feel attractive. Sex makes you feel beautiful or handsome.'" Well, okay then!

Dov Charney Is Genuinely Obsessed With Tee Shirts: Although An Immigrant, Charney was always obsessed with the preppy American style of the 80s; visiting his grandparents in Florida, he fell in love with Lacoste and Gant. "In 1988, while a high school senior, Charney started American Apparel." It bore the slogan, “Canada’s direct source for American-made T-shirts and fleecewear.” Even today he's allegedly obsessive about the product - weird, since it's kind of notoriously crappy.

American Apparel Really Is An Okay Place To Work: In a city full of sweatshops, AA's 4,000 plus employees make $12 an hour, get health insurance, and have access to "an in-house health clinic, subsidized meals, English-language classes, and a host of other cushy incentives." When Charney had to fire 30 workers who didn't have paperwork, he gave them each $30,000 of company stock.

Charney Seems Really Committed To Free Trade: The pro-immigration ads AA has been running lately are a testament to the company's stance; not surprisingly, Charney's been served with a notice of inspection from Immigration, which is yet to take place. Lately he's been working on prioritizing AA's "Legalize L.A." website. The company is also highly involved in the May 1st immigration protests, which apparently involves Johnny Makeup carrying around a Paris Hilton cutout and screaming, “'Immigrants are hot! Come party with the immigrants.'” How would Charney characterize his positions? “'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall! It’s because I’m a Jew! Birds are free! We want to go somewhere, let’s go! I just don’t believe in borders, in the end. The Americans who do just don’t trust humanity.'”

American Apparel Is Really Paternalistic:Whatever its virtues, critics allege that Charney only wants his workers happy on his own terms, that he needs to play Lord Bountiful. They claim that he bullied his workers into not unionizing. Says Kimi Lee, director of the Garment Workers Center,“'It isn’t a shining star, but it’s not a sweatshop. It could be better. Even though Charney talks about workers’ rights and trumpets all the things he’s done, he’s not letting the workers speak for themselves. It’s significant that he doesn’t. It’s very paternalistic. He believes he’s treating them better than anyone else could'.”

Dov Charney Is Crazy:“'See! That’s what a beautiful, intelligent woman wants, to go to dinner in a pair of pants that makes her look good. She’s on top of the fucking world. That’s what it’s all about. The pants! The pants! That’s all a beautiful woman wants! A pair of pants that takes her into a restaurant. She looks beautiful. She looks intelligent! She’s got a pair of pants! She’s on top of the world—and it’s the pants, the pants!'”

Here is the real issue: According to the piece, Charney is for real. He's really pervy. He's really into tee shirts. He's really committed to free trade. And he's really, really crazy. His persona is not a hipster pose; it seems to be who he is. As a result, it's silly to regard anything about American Apparel as a business model; it's one (crazy) guy's dream. Charney seems genuinely aggrieved that people can't forget all about his silly old sexual harassment and focus on all his good works. "It’s a victory that we’re able to make clothing that people love in a place that isn’t embarrassing. Get over the ads. Get over the complaints. Get over the fact that I made a mistake making a comment to one or two girls. How selfish! Why couldn’t they just walk away? Think of the thousands of suppliers, the thousands of sewers, the workers!”

It doesn't seem to occur to him that living with a bunch of college students, or representatives like Johnny Makeup don't exactly enhance the company's "seriousness" profile. Says one of his defenders, "Dov is a character, and it’s easy to make him a target." Um, okay, except that no one's forced him to be the completely public face of his brain child. He's obviously infantile, thinks he's a victim, refers to himself as "an immigrant" repeatedly — allying himself with his laregly Mexican workforce — breaking into Québécois French. It would almost be one thing if he were like, "our aesthetic is offensive and demeaning but the kids like it and clearly we're onto something, and that allows us to make the changes we really care about."

But that's not what he thinks; he and the company are creepy and skeevy. Hipsters think it's ironic. Probably in the hands of marketers it is; but there's no irony or contradiction to Charney; whatever he wants is good, and right, and of a beautiful piece. Which is kind of scary. It's not unusual in the history of industry for a mogul to be a monomaniacal egotist. But for that kind of craziness to be the basis of a real lifestyle movement? Unsettling, to say the least.

Barely Legal [Portfolio]

Earlier: American Apparel Will Make You Look Like A Fat Hooker
If You Go Work For American Apparel Can You Really Expect Dov Charney To Wear Clothes?
American Apparel's Dov Charney Explains It All For You On SNL
American Apparel CEO Orders Subordinate To Pleasure Herself; She Services Him With A Lawsuit
Everything I Needed To Know About The American Economy I Learned At American Apparel

Buy Cheap Shit: Buying less expensive stuff seems to have come as a revelation to a lot of people. Like, surprise! There are generics! And bulk prices! And cheap stores like Target! And they make stuff! And you can buy it! And it's kind of like expensive stuff but it's cheaper!

Buy Old Shit:Did you realize that there are actually places where you can buy things that aren't new? I know, this is Big. It may gross you out - this is a recurring meme - but sometimes you can find really awesome things at places like "thrift stores." And "consignment stores." And on "eBay." And via "swaps." (Swaps are very big right now.) And sometimes the old things? Are different from the things you can find in new stores!

You Don't Need To Own Everything! Okay, brace yourselves. There are these things called libraries where you can get books for free. They even have music! And movies! You know what else you can do? Borrow stuff from other people and then give it back.

Don't Buy Stuff You Don't Need: Hard to grasp, I know. But if you think about what to buy, you apparently spend less.

Make StuffThere are many earnest tips about cooking your own food instead of going to restaurants. It is cheaper, you see. Apparently you can also sew on your own buttons and iron stuff instead of getting it dry-cleaned.

Do Less of Expensive Stuff:We know, we know: it's really hard to not take cabs everywhere and not get weekly pedicures and facials and buy high heels. Because we want to, and we don't like to not get stuff we want! But the thing is, that stuff is apparently very expensive and - wait for it - not essential.

Get Crappy, Small Amounts of Expensive Stuff :This kind of thing is really big on these lists. Like, going to expensive restaurants but then just ordering an appetizer or something. Or not ordering wine. Half of the alleged "cheap eats" issues are just this kind of crumminess, which sounds like a recipe for a)hunger and b)depression. Also big: getting free services from, like, massage schools and beauty academies. As someone who has done this a lot, it's seriously no substitute for the real thing.

Be Crafty:Suddenly everybody's really into the novelty of coupon-clipping, and getting airfare deals and early bird specials and various other schemes that seem to take a lot of time and sound like awesome ideas to various rich editors who don't need to do them.

Pretend Being Broke Is Really Fun: Swaps, various at-home functions and girls' nights in are another popular bromide. For those of us who don't go out, sure. I'm guessing the Cosmo brigade whose weekends consist of some SATC club marathon aren't going to really find an evening of Scrabble and Netflix an acceptable substitute. Wait, what am I saying? Those dames don't buy their own drinks!

Don't Be A Moron: Basically, all of these tips can fit under this heading. "Live the way most of us do already" would be another good one. But since we all really enjoy frugality tips from rich people, please, keep patronizing us. It's a form of free entertainment we've been onto for years!